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Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

(142 Posts)
Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:09:37

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 16-Jul-13 23:13:17

I'm sorry, this relationship is not good for you. You are being abused, being gay makes no difference. You need to end it, and give yourself (and, indeed, your stbx) the chance to find a relationship that will make you feel happy.

Gruntfuttocks Tue 16-Jul-13 23:13:18

This isn't a healthy relationship, and you know it - it's making you unhappy. If you split up, chances are your ex will go on to have another abusive relationship with someone else, and you will have the chance to try again with someone who doesn't constantly try to control and belittle you.
You are feeling shit about yourself BECAUSE you are in an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don't cause you to cut yourself off from your friends and feel bad about yourself....
Good luck!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Tue 16-Jul-13 23:17:47

She may move onto another relationship that looks great to begin with... but the same elements of control and abuse will be there. She won't change without serious long-term work on her attitudes, because what she does works for her and she is most important in her life.

Don't stay in this abusive relationship. You are worth much more than this.

WafflyVersatile Tue 16-Jul-13 23:19:00

your girlfriend will not go on to have a lovely relationship because she will bring her abusiveness with her.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. No one does.

NomNomDePlum Tue 16-Jul-13 23:19:55

much better to be single than to be coping with this sort of abusive neediness. she is doing a number on your confidence - trust me, you'll both be better off. ditch, delete her number, post whatever you want on facebook, talk to whoever you want. seriously, she sounds like a prison sentence.

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Jul-13 23:23:23

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Tue 16-Jul-13 23:24:04

You can't stay in a horrible relationship that makes you miserable to stop your DP from having a better relationship with someone else.
You don't need to label the specific type of abuse she doles out. She's being nasty to you. You've only been together 8 months, it should be fantastic but it's not, it's awful and it isn't going to get better.

Leverette Tue 16-Jul-13 23:24:15

This is not a partnership.

She is your jailer and is trying her best to hold you captive in isolation.

You need to leave urgently as this stuff causes deep psychological harm.

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:24:41

Thank you for replying.

My mum says the same as you that I'm being abused. It's a shock because I never thought I would be or that she is an abusive person. She can be so lovely.

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:25:50

I'm worried that she is going to really mess me up.

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Jul-13 23:26:13

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Jul-13 23:26:41

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Jul-13 23:27:21

sorry I posted three times! my internet doing funny things!

MsHighwater Tue 16-Jul-13 23:30:04

It doesn't matter what kind of relationship she goes on to have. All that matters is that your next relationship is better than this one. Which it can be.

BombayBanana Tue 16-Jul-13 23:30:13

All abusers "can be so lovely." Don't stay in an awful relationship just because she can be lovely sometimes. Nobody should try to control you and it sounds like she is very controlling.

Run for the hills.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Tue 16-Jul-13 23:30:59

My ex could be lovely, and in fact was most of the time. I told myself that he only got jealous because he loved me. Turned out it was just a controlling abusive twat. I wish someone had pointed it out when I was only 8 months in, I would have saved myself a lot of time.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Jul-13 23:32:51

Someone like that will do everything they can to make you think they are having a great time without you.

Don't you remember girls from school who were like that? They would be laughing really loudly but one eye would be on the audience. "See how much fun I'm having!" Don't you remember that? You've got one of those girls.

Dump her. She's toxic.

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:39:38

Thanks everyone. GF is 22 and I'm 18. I finished the relationship once before and I was sure I would never go back. We didn't have contact for days and then suddenly she mailed me on fb and didn't stop until I agreed to see her. She told me she'd change and she was sorry. I saw her and now I'm back to square one a month later.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 16-Jul-13 23:41:14

Whatever label you put on it, this is a relationship where you're being treated badly and it is making you unhappy. There is no reason for you to stick with that.

You've had some good advice already but just to address this point you made:

"I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now."

This fear shows how successfully your GF has made you think you are rubbish in relationships, rubbish generally, lucky to have her etc. It's just not the case. People who are controlling bullies do not go on to have 'lovely relationships' that are lovely for the other person, because the other person is yet another abuse victim. If she appears to go on to have a lovely relationship after you, I'd feel sorry for the new partner because they will soon be in the confused and upset state you are now. It may not show but they will.

You, on the other hand, can feel good about yourself after it's over because you can then be yourself and won't be bullied anymore. Seriously, life will be better - it might not look like it straight away, but it will.

Do you live together? If so, can you move in with your mum for a bit? She sounds great. If not, then tell her it's over and block all online access she has to you.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 16-Jul-13 23:42:24

Having just read your latest post, block her on FB. Right away.

apatchylass Tue 16-Jul-13 23:44:37

Seems unlikely that if you split up your GF will go on to have a great relationship elsewhere. She'll still be the neurotic, domineering control freak she is with you. If you love her and want it to work, stand up for yourself. Get back on FB and out with your friends and really stick up for yourself if she starts to try and manipulate and accuse you.

Or leave. I would.

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:48:44

Snazzy No we don't live together but we are half an hour away from each other. I already live with my mum.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 16-Jul-13 23:51:42

You left her before, leave her again. She said she'd change, and she has - for the worse. As Snazzy said, block her on fb. You're 18, you should be having fun as a priority, this woman makes you unhappy.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Jul-13 23:53:56

18? There's no way you should put up with this rubbish at your age in particular.

Block and delete.

Yes, she'll find someone else to torment and she'll make sure you know about it. Be prepared for that, but don't give in.

Now is the time to make lovely plans for your future. Are you going to university? What sort of career do you want?

chipmonkey Tue 16-Jul-13 23:54:30

This is abuse. She is a controlling cow and you need to end the relationship. She may go on to have a lovely relationship, but it will only be lovely for her, not for the other poor girl she ends up with!

Of course she is lovely, sometimes. If she was horrible all the time, she'd never get a GF! People like that reel in their victims, then start the abuse.

Don't ever be afraid of ending up alone. It is honestly better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable. You are so young, get out there and have fun! The right girl will come along and when it's right, you'll know it's right, you won't have to come and ask a bunch of old gimmers like us! grin

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:57:52

ImperialBlether I know what you're saying is right.

I'm at college studying at the moment, my career plan could go in any direction, I'm interested in a lot of things. I don't know anymore if I want to go to University, I want to get out there and work!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 17-Jul-13 00:00:13

Abusers are always as lovely as they need to be to get you hooked.

Then they are just lovely enough to keep you dangling on their line.

Your mum sounds great and so do you.

End this toxic relationship and you will find happiness with someone else.

What happens to your ex is irrelevant.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 00:03:36

GF was cheated on by her last partner. My DF cheated on my mum. I would never do that. I've experienced second-hand what it's like to go through that. So I try really hard to prove that I'm not like that. That is part of the reason I don't text my friends, don't have any numbers saved, and don't see people, because then she can't say much.. Unless she convinces herself I'm lying and in fact I'm texting everyone, seeing all sorts of people behind her back and lying about where I am and who I'm with.

chipmonkey grin

laeiou Wed 17-Jul-13 00:11:44

The problem with abusive relationships is that people don't punch you in the face on a first date. It's subtle, starts small and occasional, and builds up as the abuser gains control.

There are loads of sites online that describe signs of abuse. You may find this useful
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/women1839/Pages/Teenrelationshipabuse.aspx

Please stop thinking about this other person and think about yourself.

Jux Wed 17-Jul-13 00:37:47

Run for the hills, Wiseysdaughter, as fast as you can and as soon as you can.

This will only get worse. There is a 'script' which alternates nice and nasty. She's nice for a while - long enough to get you back to behaving yourself - and then she'll be nasty.

Stay with her and you will get this:
She'll try to isolate you from your friends and family (she's already doing that, and you, by trying to aoid angering her, are cooperating. You will find that you have no friends soon).

She'll probably persuade you to give up on Uni. That way you'll be financially dependent upon her and she can dole out a fiver when you go to her cap on hand, probably having to tell her exactly what you want it for and how much it will cost, and she'll check the change.

Her accusations of infidelity will become worse. She'll grill you at midnight and go on and on until 4am. If you do manage to get a job you'll be too knackered to do it properly and too emotionally frail to cope.

You will become a non-person. You will lose any confidence you have, all your self-esteem and all hope for your future. You will be miserable and confused. Aythong you try to do will never be good enough. You will never be good enough.

Or leave her.

You are 18. The world is your oyster. Make your life a happy one.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jul-13 00:38:18

Look, if you're in a relationship where you can't text your friends, you're in an unhealthy relationship.

If you kept eating something which was giving you heartburn and there was a high chance it would make you ill, you'd know you were doing something wrong and needed to cut it out, wouldn't you?

This is just the same. She's bad for your emotional health and your future will change as a result of her continued presence.

Dump her!

middleagefrumptynumpty Wed 17-Jul-13 01:09:50

This relationship is toxic. Look at it this way, whilst you are with her, you will never meet someone who has your best interests at heart.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 01:11:49

The thing is, you can never disprove a conspiracy. You can never prove you aren't cheating. Unless you lock yourself up in one room with no phone or no computer, with a loo in the corner. Just like prison, really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 07:34:16

It's a controlling relationship. Never be with someone who isn't happy with you being yourself. If you would normally text your friends and be sociable and this person is forcing you (because you want to please her) to drop all of that... you are not being yourself. It isn't cheating to have friends and a reasonable person who loved you would love you for having those friends, not guilt-trip you, exploit your DF's behaviour & demand you are a hermit.

There are lots of internet articles on the subject. This one is typical and worth reading. Signs of and Emotionally Abusive Relationship If even half of the points mentioned sound familiar to you, get this woman out of your life.

fantashtic Wed 17-Jul-13 08:27:26

Cogito has it in one:
'Never be with someone who isn't happy with you being yourself.'
Choose happiness.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:07:25

Thanks everyone. You're advice is clear and screams that I should run for the hills. But I worry I'm not strong enough for that, and worry how upset I'd be if I did.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:13:59

You don't have to be strong enough, you just have to have a plan to stay away and don't be frightened to ask for the support of others to help you achieve it. Manipulative people can be very charming as they draw you in and I think it's like a form of hypnosis i.e. the more opportunity you give them to mess with your mind, the harder it gets to detach. Put some time and distance between you, get help to stay away, be with all those other friends that you haven't seen for a while... who will probably be only too glad to see you out of her clutches ... and, even though you might be upset short-term, you'll succeed.

Remember, 'no means no' and if this girlfriend doesn't accept 'no' and leave you alone, she has no respect for you.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:14:49

You'd be upset for while....but after a fashion you'll feel fantastic!!!

Your girlfriend is fucked up and malevolent, and o amount of good loving from you will change that, I'm afraid...even if she swears blind it will. It won't.

She will continue to conduct her relationships as a controlling, possessive domineering bully, for the rest of her life.

Don't, for fuck's sake, let it be the rest of yours!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:15:23

no amount...sorry

Jux Wed 17-Jul-13 10:21:41

The end of a relationship is always sad. You mourn what could have been, rather than what actually was; it's a lost - possible - future. Hope of what you had thought the relationship was going to bring you.

Keep giving yourself reality checks and look this relationship squarely in the face. Enlist the support of your mum (she sounds like a good one!) and other people who do actually want the best for you.

Think about your own future. Why did you start thinking that you'd rather get out to work, instead of going to Uni? What sort of work do you want to do? Think about your dreams for your future; what do you want really?

I do wonder what sort of job you thought you would get in today's market without a degree. And I wonder why you changed your mind about going to Uni; it's the best way of maximising your potential these days, and without a degree you are looking at minimum wage jobs with few prospects. I wonder how much influence your gf had in your preference for getting out there to work.

You really are being abused. She really is abusive. Your horizons are being shrunk every moment you continue with the relationship.

Listen to your mum!

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:24:17

I've heard that you can become addicted to a relationship like this, because you get so used to it you would rather live in a relationship which is horrible than leave and be without them. I'm in no way addicted to it, I'm just convinced that I wouldn't be okay without her.

My DM has said in the past that she wouldn't be surprised if GF cheats on me?… Personally I don't think she would as she is too busy texting me 24-7 making sure I have no time to do anything...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:30:54

Your DM sounds very wise, quite lovely and you're so lucky to have her. smile Controlling bullies are all about them. It's an ego-trip for them to have someone on a string. They talk about 'undying love', 'I'd die without you', 'we're soul mates' and so forth but they don't really care about the target. They just want them to say 'how high?' when they say 'jump'.... that's what they get a kick out of. Power. Being ego-trippers they're quite happy to have two or three victims on the go at once. The more the merrier.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:33:56

You're 18 and the world is only just opening up to you. Of course you'll be okay without her! You'll go on to do all the things you want to do, without explaining yourself all the time, and you'll meet someone else who doesn't text you constantly and keep tabs on your every move, like a fucking keeper!

It is deeply unhealthy. She is deeply unhealthy.

You are not. Live your life girl!!

rockybalboa Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:47

I don't know what gas lighted means and I'm not gay but I can't see that either of those things really matters. The crux is that your GF sounds like an over bearing controlling bitch and is sucking all your self confidence out of you. You need to get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. You won't be left feeling shit because you do not need that grief in your life and who gives a shiny shit whether she is happy or not. Your happiness should be your number 1 concern and she is NOT making you happy. Get rid and good luck. You will find someone else better for you, I promise.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 10:41:39

Actually, your Mum might be right about that. If a person is mistrustful, isn't it because they are projecting how they might behave on to you? Possibly not always but I'd say it's true a lot of the time.

I don't think people get addicted to relationships like this but I do think that a person like this can undermine your self-esteem so that you feel it's all you deserve. And also, you do have to be careful that you don't go from a Grade A abusive relationship to a Grade B abusive relationship just because it seems like an improvement!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:42:45

No doubt she'll have it that you are responsible for her emotional wellbeing.

She'll die without you. She loves you more than she's ever loved anyone. She's terrified of losing you... she's so so so sorry...yadda yadda....

But it is all about her. Her feelings. Her needs. Her way.

She doesn't love you at all. She just wants someone to own. Someone to drain. Someone to control.

When you love someone, you celebrate what brings them joy and happiness. You celebrate their successes, and encourage them to grow.

When someone wants to consume you, it i not love. It's ownership. Quite quite different.

gamerchick Wed 17-Jul-13 10:45:00

After 8 months you should be still right in to each other stage.. Not trying Desperatly to satisfy an abusive partner.

She'll use her own issues to make you into a shell of a person. It sounds as if she's done a decent job already. You can't help her and you'll make yourself I'll trying to make her happy.

Do yourself and your mental health a favour and block her arse on Facebook afterwards.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:51:08

It's obvious she doesn't care until I say I am going to leave her. I don't understand what she's doing because I think she shows quite clearly, on purpose, that she doesn't care about me. And then I react and feel shit because my GF doesn't care about me. I confront her and tell her how I feel and she gets angry at me and tells me it's not fair because she does show she cares.

For example, if I go to football training, or I go to the gym, or do something along those lines, instead of what you'd expect and what you'd like to receive after like a text saying 'how was it? did you have a nice time?'… I will get something along the lines of 'Who was there? bet all your friends were there, cool'…

She tries to convince me that I 'make out' she's a dick all the time, when she isn't and she is always telling me to go have fun with my friends… But if I do, she goes mad! I can't win!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:52:52

You will never win. Never.
And that's the reality of this situation.

She absolutely doesn't want to share you, and she doesn't see why she should. You are hers after all. All hers.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 10:52:56

Oh and it does hurt when a relationship ends. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't end.
When it does end, that is when you will need your friends, so never let anyone keep you from them.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 11:00:54

She hates that I don't talk about her to my friends, but what am I supposed to say?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 11:02:28

"You will never win. Never."

A big FB-style 'like' for this. You will never win because you are being set up to fail by someone who is highly possessive, selfish, craves attention and can only get it by being contrary and demanding reassurance.

'You hate me'
'No I don't, I love you'

'You have more fun with your friends than me'
'No I don't, I want to be with you because I love you'

'Your friends hate me'
'No they don't, but I'll stop seeing them if you don't like it'

'You think I'm a controlling witch but I'm only anxious because I love you so much and I'm frightened someone will take you away....'

See how it goes.....?

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 11:06:20

All abusive people will try to tell you that they are being entirely reasonable, and that you are overreacting and twisting things. This is because as far as they are concerned, they are being entirely reasonable! They see it as their God given right to suffocate their partners to meet their own fucked up needs.

What's more - they are incredibly convincing too! You will end up thinking 'well...she does have a point' or 'I never saw it from that point of view - how selfish I am!'

Abusers are master manipulators. They leave you doubting your own mind every time, and as soon as that chink in your rational appears they pounce on it and exploit it for their own selfish ends.

The fact that she endeavours to control your every waking moment, yet will then tell you she is happy for you to see your friends, before having a hissy fit if you actually dare to, while blaming you for 'not caring' by doing so says it ALL.

Get out. Get out. GET OUT!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 11:06:31

" what am I supposed to say?"

Stand up to her. Tell her the truth. You have a great time with your friends so you tell her you have a great time. If she can't cope with you having friends, you tell her that's her problem not yours. You don't drop the friends or hide the friends or lie about your activities just because she can't cope with the idea that she can't monopolise you.

BTW... If she's bugging you with messages 24/7 just don't reply to any of them. Obsessive texting like that is 'stalking'.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 11:08:52

Yes it is. It is stalking.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 11:13:53

And that, , making out that YOU are the problem, that YOU are the one who is making her out to be a dick, that SHE is reasonable, that she wants you to see your friends, that there is gaslighting.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 11:15:10

Yes yes it is!

THAT is gaslighting OP.

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 11:21:16

I am going to take a slightly different stance and say that what you describe is controlling, jealous, and damaging behaviour - however it is not gas-lighting in the true sense.

However, you still need to leave!! Listen to your mum. Your self esteem is on the floor (and I bet that's not where it was when you met?)
The questions to ask yourself are
Am I still the person I was before, or am I changing who I am to fit the control?
Is this the way I thought the relationship would be -and does the reality make me happy?
Do my friends/family think I have changed - why are they worrying about me?

If you answer honestly, I suspect you may be off tpo pack your bags!

MmeLindor Wed 17-Jul-13 11:27:09

Listen to what everyone is telling you. She is abusive.

Block her on FB and change your number so that she can't call you.

Yes, it will hurt but the hurt will fade in time and you will have a life.

Don't you want to enjoy the life your friends are having? To be able to have a fun time without worrying what your GF will say afterwards. To be able to meet friends without hiding from her.

She has isolated you from your friends, so you have no way of meeting another girl. That is deliberate and it will get worse.

Would it help you to get away for a couple of weeks? How about applying for a live in job for the summer, somewhere far away?

Your mum sounds pretty damn special.

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 11:28:02

I am going to take a slightly different stance and say that what you describe is controlling, jealous, and damaging behaviour - however it is not gas-lighting in the true sense.

However, you still need to leave!! Listen to your mum. Your self esteem is on the floor (and I bet that's not where it was when you met?)
The questions to ask yourself are
Am I still the person I was before, or am I changing who I am to fit the control?
Is this the way I thought the relationship would be -and does the reality make me happy?
Do my friends/family think I have changed - why are they worrying about me?

If you answer honestly, I suspect you may be off to pack your bags!

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 11:29:05

whoops really sorry for double post!! I got a "site offline" screen, so thought it hadn't gone through blush

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 11:33:56

If you were my daughter, I'd be so worried about all this. So frustrated by it. I'd be desperate for you to see the light!

Hell...I'm frustrated anyway, and I'm only a random on the internet!

Your mum loves you and wants you to be happy and fulfilled in your life. Your girlfriend doesn't love you, and cares not a fig about what makes you happy...she simply wishes to mould you into her emotional servant.

Listen to your old ma will you? Please?

Jux Wed 17-Jul-13 12:10:42

"She hates that I don't talk about her to my friends"

Do. Pick your best best friend. Arrange a leisurely evening - not out on the razz - and talk about her. Tell your mate exactly what she's like, how she behaves. Explain that you see much less of them because she makes you feel so bad about seeing them at all. Tell your mate everything.

This is not going to be cured by your love. This will result in your complete and utter subjugation.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jul-13 12:57:36

Ipsissima, she's not living with her girlfriend.

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 13:35:11

....but still needs to leave the relationship.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 13:44:50

Do what Jux says. Tell your best friend. I'm sure she'll be horrified. Sometimes it's better to get things out there rather than have them fester and it really helps to get some perspective. When you're actually in a relationship, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 14:01:37

I have told my friends what she's like as live with them in the week, they see it and they see all the texts and everything. They hate her. One time my friend just had enough because I received a text after sticking up for myself saying 'how could you do this after everything you have done to ME' and as soon as I told my friend she got so angry and called my GF. My friend called her all sorts of things such as a psycho, and told her she needs help. GF now hates me for that as I should have stopped it and stuck up for her. Apparently relationship will not work because my friends get in the way.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 14:02:09

Also, thank you for your replies, they are really helpful.

WafflyVersatile Wed 17-Jul-13 14:10:56

Have you dumped her yet?

MmeLindor Wed 17-Jul-13 14:52:07

Wisey
Your friends are not in the way.

Relationships work because the two partners have their friends to rant about the silly stuff to, and to get some perspective of any issues.

Relationships work when the partners have the freedom to live outside the relationship.

You are not ending the relationship. She is, with her irrational actions and jealousy.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 14:53:23

The truth is, your friendships won't work because your GF gets in the way!
Listen to your friends, they sound like they really care about you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 15:25:47

Your friends sound FANTASTIC. They are not getting in the way, they are defending you, and I want to give whoever called her a psycho a very large, very unmumsnetty hug for being a top sister.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 15:42:09

IMO, hugs are very Mumsnetty. I don't know why people keep saying that they aren't

Mind you, they are hearty hugs, none of your flowersflowersflowers and "r u ok, hun?" wink

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 16:05:32

OK then... it's a very Un-Coggy hug... <considers self corrected> smile

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 16:14:27

? if mumsnetty is as mumsnet does, and mumsnet is currently 'doing' some hugs, whats un-mumsnetty about it?

<<ponders>>

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 16:16:39

Vipers don't have arms?.... <straw clutching ever so slightly>

mummytime Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:26

Do listen to pretty much everyone, it doesn't matter if you are straight or gay; there are some people out there who are just like this. They are no good as friends, and certainly no good as lovers because they are no good to have a relationship with.

You are 18, you are not supposed to know what you want to do with your life. You are definitely too young to commit to a really long term relationship yet. You should be going out, having fun. Trying lots of different and new things.

Imagine it was a friend of yours and her boyfriend. What would your advice be? In the early stages of relationships it is supposed to be fun and pleasurable. (If it wasn't there wouldn't be any long term relationships, because without good memories it is very hard to get through the really tough days.)

Ipsissima Wed 17-Jul-13 16:36:47

cogito
<<wonders whether there is such a thing as a Xbred viper/constrictor>>
<<smugly decides it would be called a 'victor' >>

<<runs, in case remaining straw has broken a back>>

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 17-Jul-13 17:10:53

I'm in no way addicted to it, I'm just convinced that I wouldn't be okay without her.

That is addiction: needing a prop in order to function.

And, as with all addictions, the solution is to go cold turkey. Cut contact. Block her on all messaging systems. Do not cave, as she piles on the pleading, manipulation, and threats (which she will do).

You are in an abusive relationship; she is unable to treat you with respect. Get out, because you deserve better

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 18:20:16

Thanks everyone.

Just had a KFC in order to think about this over dinner wink
This KFC obviously means I had done something wrong as her reply to me going to KFC was 'you don't even like it' to which I told her I did… And then she says 'well i'm sure you'll go and see your mates there'… Hmm.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 18:24:14

Fuck sake.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 18:30:03

I went with my mum...

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 17-Jul-13 18:32:08

You should be having fun. Why would you ally yourself with someone who has a problem with you seeing friends?

rubylovesshoes Wed 17-Jul-13 18:35:00

Wisey does your gf do anything that can be classed as being caring? Does she want great things for you? Is she a high flying career woman who wants to drive you to similar aspirations (maybe she sees your friends as "wrong" kind of friends?
The only thing I will say is maybe its time for you and gf to go out socially with your friends and hers and see how that goes? When me and my boyfriend go out amongst friends, we are still very close and affectionate.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 18:45:48

My GF works in an office, she is pretty well paid for her age and is doing well for herself. She has a nice car, she has just moved home from living in her own place, she has a good job and she plays sport to a very high level. On paper, she has a lot going for her.

When I told her I didn't want to go to uni she just shrugged it off and said don't go then. It did in fact end up as an argument as I was saying how I was worried about what my parents would say and she argued it was my life and I needed to grow some balls and grow up.

If I ever talk about college she tells me to get on with it, I get a bit of advice, like 'do it and its out the way'… Then one time I said how a certain week would be good for me as I would be the only one at college. She then turned this and said 'oh so you don't do your work because you're distracted by your friends, cool.' So back to square one.

It's not that she's worried about my friends at all because my friends are the best, I live with them and we all get on like family. I love them! They don't force me to do anything I don't want to do, the only thing they want to force me to do is leave GF… Understandable.
So no, it's not my best interests she has at heart.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 18:50:00

My GF has been there through a struggle of a time for me… Thinking about it now I probably feel worse because of her but still she was there through a hard time. She was there on the evening that my dad called and told me my Granddad had passed away. Straight away she was there as the caring person, and maybe that has stuck in my head…

It's very head f*cking because she makes me angry, upset, low blah blah but then she picks up the pieces and is there to calm me down… So maybe I've become dependant on her, I don't know.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 17-Jul-13 18:53:31

I was married to someone like that. Being naive and inexperienced when we met, and inclined to think the best of everyone, I thought that once he had grown to know me properly he would trust me. 25 years later he still hadn't, and I left the bastard (24.5 years too late, but at least I got some lovely children out of it). Nothing you can do will make a person like this trust you because they don't believe in trust, they believe in control. You may never find out whether she really believes you are shagging around or is just saying it to keep you desperately trying to prove you aren't; but either way it doesn't matter.

I am one of your mum's greatest fans.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 18:54:39

What would happen if you just didn't call or text this person for a day or two? The KFC thing, for example... she must have known you were there in order to text the snidey remarks. So how about doing your own thing for a few days, switching the phone off, not letting her track you, and not giving her chapter and verse on your every movement?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 18:59:23

"she was there as the caring person"

Abusive people do not have three heads and they are not abusive all the time. They are often attractive, charming and pleasant when it suits them to be. However, what she wants is you as a possession, not a person in your own right. Any decent human being would have been kind to you knowing you'd just lost your grandfather. You don't owe her anything for being kind.

flippinada Wed 17-Jul-13 19:03:14

What everyone else has said: she's an abuser and will only get worse. Take it from an old fart who's been round the block a few times. Also echo others who have said that abusers can be nice sometimes...that's how they reel you in.

Imagine if your girlfriend introduced herself by walking up to you and said "hi, I'm going to trick you into falling in love with me, then I'm going to fuck with your head, isolate you from your friends and family and treat you like shit until your self esteem is completely destroyed and you've turned into a complete nervous wreck?" You'd run like the wind, wouldn't you?

However, because there are episodes of niceness, you think oh, it's not so bad...and meanwhile she gets away with exactly that.

It sounds like you have a great mum and good friends. Please listen to them.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 19:03:39

If I didn't call her or text her she would be very shocked for a start. I don't think she would know what to do with herself.
I can't decide whether she'd bombard me with messages for the first day or so and then text me a few times the next day and with no reply f*ck of and think whatever and go out. Or she would sit in her house and go mad thinking about what I'm doing and completely work herself up. I don't really know which way she would go.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 19:10:18

It's so hard. I completely take in, and understand what everyone is saying. And I know everything is completely spot on and true. Like I was saying to my mum.. In a healthy relationship I know it's not normal for people, whether it be friends or complete strangers (like you lot wink) to be able to talk about someone's GF in this way without the person in the relationship sticking up for their GF automatically and getting the right hump with these people. However, I can't say anything because actually, it's all true. And of course, I have come to you for advice anyway.

Oh lord this stuff's hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 19:20:32

It's hard because you're obviously a kind person that cares about what effect you have on others. You'd probably have a lovely, calm, happy few days if you switched your phone off but already you're thinking solely about how horribly she'd behave and react ... so you won't do it.

You'd never treat anyone badly, restricting their freedom or saying nasty things to them, so you struggle with the idea that someone would be doing it deliberately to you. You like or love your girlfriend and you really want her to be different so that you can be happy together. But she'll never be different because she's insecure, possessive and a bully.

It's always sad when you realise that a relationship has run its course - no-one wants upset and heartbreak - but that's the whole point of dating when you're young. Finding out what makes people tick, making a few mistakes, breaking a few hearts and working out what you want and - more importantly - what you don't want in a partner.

HandbagCrazy Wed 17-Jul-13 19:34:27

I hope you dont mind, but this sounds so similar to my first relationship that I had to comment. My ex started with the sweetest things "i want to be around you - you're so beautiful of course other men will want you, who can blame them?" and it seemed so lovely I just went with it. Why not bring him on a night out? Why not go back to his straight from college? It didnt take long to become - because I had to. Because if i didnt then i could have been anywhere with anyone and that wasnt fair on him because it "made him worry". So i stopped. I did what you do, i let friends go, i didnt go out, anything to make him happy. But the big problem with that is, whatever you do wont be enough, and by the time you realise it, you're friends are long gone living their lives and you feel too low to let your family know how bad things are.

Luckily for me (and you it seems), we have amazing mothers. Mine waited until i got so stressed that i cried, and asked me 2 questions and left me with 2 pieces of information
1 - do you spend more time happy than sad?
2 - if you knew he would leave you alone if you finished it, would you?

and then 1 - you can always stand behind me and i'll protect you, and 2 - you know you deserve to be happier than this.

After a few more rows I ended it. And it was hard. He went from missing me and promising me the earth to hating me and calling me ungrateful.
BUT - i leaned on my mum and she was amazing. She took his calls, she spoke to his family, she threatened to go the police, and he left me alone. And not long after I met the person who is now my dh. He was so nice, so sweet, went out of his way to make me smile and (and this is how its supposed to be) - made me go and make up with my friends and played taxi driver when we went out.

Please please please turn to your mum and let her help you. Your gf is probably insecure, but if she wanted to address that, she could. like you said, she's doing well for herself so she's smart. But she's also mean, abusive and dragging you down. You can do better, and you deserve to xx

rubylovesshoes Wed 17-Jul-13 19:41:31

I think have a contact break and see how that makes you feel. Can she follow this basic request?

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 20:02:27

Handbag, your Mum sounds wonderful!

HandbagCrazy Wed 17-Jul-13 21:03:16

She is Chip grin

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 21:16:37

sad

WafflyVersatile Wed 17-Jul-13 21:19:43

Why sad face? Has something happened?

brokenhearted55 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:21:56

It doesn't sound like gaslighting as it makes you doubt your perception of reality.

She is just jealous and insecure.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 21:28:08

Because it's all just shit

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 17-Jul-13 21:35:36

It is shit. You will end it and you'll feel horrible. You will feel guilty about hurting her and you'll feel scared about her reaction. You will worry about her phoning you or running into her when you go out but then it will start to feel better. You will be able to call and text and meet your friends without worrying about her reaction. You will be able to go where you want without having to consider whether she is going to kick off or not. You will be allowed to enjoy yourself again. Your life will get better and better. Eventually you'll meet someone else who you have an equal relationship with, whose reaction to you meeting your friends is 'have a nice time' and who has something better to do than time your journeys. It's awful extracting yourself from a situation like this but the awfulness is temporary and it's a million times better than staying.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 21:56:49

I need to go back to the beginning of the thread and read everything that you've said. I'm still trying to accept that this is abusive and that I need to escape it. And what i thought was love isn't after all.

DM says I should get some sleep and she's right. I'm tired.

Thank you so very much, I will come back tomorrow when I hope to feel stronger than I do now.

WafflyVersatile Wed 17-Jul-13 22:01:05

On the bright side you are 18 years old. You have good friends. And you have another (predicted) 80 years left on earth with which to find real love. In that time you will probably find several real loves. But even if you don't it's got to be better than this.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:01:50

Yes you should sleep on it. Kneejerk reactions are never a good idea anyway, largely because they tend towards adding to the stress.

All the frank advice from us randoms will still be here in the morning. And no one will have changed their minds. xxx

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 00:01:32

Oh, bless you, Wiseys, it is hard, isn't it ? When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I really felt like it was the end of the world and I really had thought it was love. But it wasn't. And you know what? With my now-dh, I fell madly "in love" with him but with hindsight, I'm really not sure that love was what was at the start. The actual love came later. Proper love is really finding the person who is your best friend and that you also fancy and that you can share everything with apart from hiding the odd receipt for shoes.

Aww Wiseysdaughter, it is hard. A relationship that is only 8 months in is supposed to be so much fun and excitement, It's supposed to be making each other feel great about life and being happy for each other. This is way too hard work it doesn't get better, it starts out the best it will ever be. If this is the best you have with her then you don't want to stick around a minute more, life isn't supposed to be this hard and upsetting.
Once you dump her be aware she will up her game and tell you whatever she thinks she needs too, to get you to fall back in line and behave. Don't listen, don't answer, don't read her messages. Go non communications with her so you can have a chance to get over it. They have a script it comes naturally to them, others here will tell you what comes next.
Delete her from facebook and block her number, she will eventually leave you aline. Don't try to explain yourself, you don't need to, you can't win with her so don't bother trying.
You deserve a better, happy loving relationship and the right one is out there and you'll meet one day. Uni is a good place to start grin

Wiseysdaughter Thu 18-Jul-13 17:51:08

Okay so shit day number 3000 (or how ever many days there are in 8 months….).. Maths isn't my strong point and neither is relationships by the looks of it.

Just got home from my meeting at CAHMS. We spoke about GF the whole time. She said that she understands that it's hard to leave someone like this and I need to find the strength. I slagged the hell out of GF and it felt good.

Been accused of all sorts again today, including lying about someone fancying me in the first month we met.. Ages ago right?… aaaaand turns out, I didn't lie. For some reason she is now saying she wants me to go to my ex and all the people who fancy me and I fancy.. Weird. Apparently she doesn't care anymore.

So she has just said to me… 'you speak to exs, speak to people u slept with and fancy you so it's ok for you so its ok for me to do' so I said 'Nice game, go on then' and she said 'Yep.' So to that I replied.

'I hope your ex's are very happy to hear from you. I know I won't be.'

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Thu 18-Jul-13 18:08:26

Now, delete her number and block her on Facebook, do not engage any more.

It's pointless and you deserve more.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 18:12:31

Agree with the above. Delete, block, de-friend, avoid, change your phone number and do whatever else you have to do to stop this poisonous person spoiling what should be the best time of your life. Then go get that degree, travel, make a life and think back on what you've learned from the experience so that next time you meet someone this twisted, you spot them before they get a hold of you. She's got some serious problems and it should be her getting the psychiatric counselling if there was any justice in the world.

Wiseysdaughter Thu 18-Jul-13 18:16:25

Thanks I will do! Now off to pick up my friend and go to football training, finally!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 18:18:01

Phone off? smile

Jux Thu 18-Jul-13 18:45:17

Well done thanks, tell all your friends so they are prepared to help you, encourage you, support you, and get in between you and her in the event that she turns up at your place. And so they can get you going out with them regularly and keep your spirits up and distract you when the need arises.

You've had some exes, so you know it's hard at first but you get over it. Remind yourself of that when you feel down or guilty.

Start living like a normal, young person should. Having fun and worrying about exams and holiday jobs.

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 18:55:25

Well done! Now stay strong! And do block her number etc as that will make it harder for her to make contact again.
Onwards and upwards!

laeiou Thu 18-Jul-13 19:38:25

Great stuff ! And great one-liner!

Don't be surprised if you have the odd wobble wondering if you've done the right thingand what's ahead of you etc. Uncertainty can be difficult to deal with which is why many people find it difficult to change their circumstances. However you have the backup of your lovely mum and many internet strangers all of win are certain that you've done the right thing.

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 19:40:07

Yes, you have the support of your own Mum and 250, 00 other Mums! We are all very proud of you!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 18-Jul-13 20:07:43

Just caught up here.

Well done Wisey, you will have learned a lot from this relationship, stay strong. Look after your mum and your friends and they will always be there whatever happens.

I have to confess to a bit of welling up at the end here; the kindness and generosity of mumsnetters never ceases to amaze me - well done you lot too flowers

And i don't care how soppy that sounds smile

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 20:52:53

By the way, you are NOT bad at relationships. You have a great relationship with your Mum, you have a great relationship with your friends. SHE's the one who's crap at relationships, it just took you a while to figure that out. But we all have to live and learn.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 18-Jul-13 21:05:47

Yay, good response!

And if you ever feel like you're wrong and she's changed and maybe it wasn't so bad and perhaps you should try again... confess all to your lovely-sounding friends so that they can confiscate your mobile, distract you or whatever it takes to get you through the wobble and out the other side!

Because even if she suddenly turns into best-ever lovely person, seriously - who wants to be with such a shape-shifter?

akaWisey Thu 18-Jul-13 21:18:29

Mum here.

Thank you. Thank you all. She's out and doing what she wants to do for now. The more she does that the better.

She knows I'm here, reading this thread. She shares it with me.

What power we all have when we join together.

You have another MNer in your midst. And take it from me, when she's outta this shit she'll be invincible (like moi).

akaWisey Thu 18-Jul-13 21:21:38

Shit, she IS invincible!

Brilliant one liner, what a girl. grin Well done.
I must make sure to get Dd on her when she starts to date so you can all set her straight for me and hold her hand through those first few loves.

Get Dd on here, not on her! Unless that what she wants LOL.

Wiseysdaughter Thu 18-Jul-13 22:53:43

Thanks everyone.

So I went to football and saw my friends but my mind was elsewhere sad Maybe not ready to be the old me but will be.

Home now, where I've wanted to be all night, feeling a bit sad. All I could think about when I was on my way home was "I need mumsnet"!!

Thanks everyone, you really do help xx

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 23:06:40

Just give it time. You will feel better again, one day, I promise.

WafflyVersatile Thu 18-Jul-13 23:37:53

time can be a slow healer but however long it takes to get over this it will be 6 months sooner if you end it now rather than end it in 6 months.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 23:43:28

Can you have a holiday? Even a short one? The weather is great just now...maybe it would help you to focus and get perspective.

I can't state enough how I know you are doing the right thing in ending this relationship....but that doesn't help YOU to know.

Take a break and do some reading up on emotional abuse, mind games, gaslighting, controlling behaviour...etc. Educate yourself, so that you may be a certaib as I am. Then it will seem an awful lot clearer. I promise you.

This is a good one to start with...

I'll see if I can find one or two more.

Best of luck chick. Sounds like you're getting stronger already?

Jux Fri 19-Jul-13 00:12:35

It's the first 24 hrs. Natural to be distracted. It will get easier. Stick with your mum and your friends, come here if you wobble. Read up. The more you know about abusive relationships the easier you'll find it to avoid them. And the more you will recognise, too. That is probably the most potent safeguard you can give yourself, not just for now, but for the whole of your life.

Sleep well, my lovely.

middleagefrumptynumpty Fri 19-Jul-13 01:38:59

You are having withdrawal symptoms from a toxin, you are bound to be feeling crap. Treat the next few weeks as a recuperative time. Make a list of things to do for yourself (mine would be new hair do, spa, mani/pedi, shopping, nice dinner, clearing out my cupboards) to keep your mind off it. Don't contact her.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 19-Jul-13 04:18:44

Well done.

You know what? So what if she goes on to have an amazing relationship after this? It's doubtful, but do what?

That is completely and 100% separate from your relationship with her.

The fact of the matter is that the two of you are incompatible, and no amount of prolonging it is going to change that. You broke up, got back together and it went straight back to what it was.

The two of you don't 'go' together. Square peg, round hole. And by staying with her, you're stopping yourself from meeting someone you will 'go' with. Hell, you're stopping yourself being free and easy and light, as a singleton. By staying with her, you're stopping yourself from being happy. She is a roadblock to your happiness.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 14:14:38

Just read the whole thread in one go - all power to your elbow Wisey (and Ma Wisey as well!). I know this is a such a cliche, but this genuinely is the first day of the rest of your life - onwards and upwards! flowers flowers flowers

maddening Fri 19-Jul-13 22:10:20

Remember that you are young - I don't mean this in a patronising way btw - there are so many things waiting for you. It isn't as much of a roller coaster as 13-17 - it's an age where you have done a great deal of learning who you are and what you want - but you are still shaping the adult "you" - lots of changes and discoveries.

This is an age to go out and experience - whether that experience is starting uni, going travelling or starting work, moving out, starting a family and big romances are a part of that - sometimes it is "the one" anf others it is a relationship you will look back on fondly and others wull

maddening Fri 19-Jul-13 22:13:07

Will be full of drama and angst - and those relationships can destroy you or you can learn from them.

I would leave this relationship before you do yourself any damage - go and enjoy your life - love doesn't feel like this - it sounds more like infatuation.

Go and discover your world as it doesn't wait smile

Wiseysdaughter Wed 24-Jul-13 18:27:57

Thank you for your messages.

It's over… And I can't help but feel that I have lost myself, and I don't really know who I am and what to do with myself now…
My mum says this is very common...

SecretSix Wed 24-Jul-13 19:44:33

It does take time to feel yourself again but the really hard bit is done. It isn't a week yet, you aren't expected to feel happy immediately. It will come back gradually.

Be with your friends and your lovely mum.

Jux Wed 24-Jul-13 21:00:30

Your mum is right, it's very normal to be unsure about who you are. You will need a bit of time to regain your natural instincts and sense of self. Don't worry, you'll get it all back.

chipmonkey Wed 24-Jul-13 21:04:17

You are dazed and confused. But it will get better. Give it time

Scrabbleyurt Wed 24-Jul-13 21:48:34

You have done the right thing. It may not feel like it but you really have. No one should live like that, on eggshells all the time.

You're so young, you have so much time to meet someone lovely, who doesn't control you like this.

Wishing you strength to stay away from her and lots of happiness in your future.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 25-Jul-13 10:29:18

Enjoy the process of finding yourself again - and go easy on yourself. You have done the right thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 10:44:38

" I don't really know who I am and what to do with myself now…"

To be fair, few people at 18 know who they are and what they want to do. That's why it's a particularly dangerous time to get involved with someone manipulative.

You have so many choices and so much potential now and the beauty is that you can try everything. Take a few risks, make a few mistakes and let life's experiences (including the unhappy ones) shape the person you want to be. Good luck

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