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Does this sound like husband is cheating? Or has a drinking problem?

(59 Posts)
HappyRexManningDay Tue 16-Jul-13 22:23:18

Constantly promises he's on his way home on the phone to me, only to turn up stinking drunk hours later. Most often around 1am, sometimes as late as 3am.

This happens maybe 3-4 times a week, always on a week night after work.

I work full time, look after our 2 year old and am almost 9 months pregnant.

Does this sound like he's cheating or maybe a drinking problem?

He's not secretive of his phone or emails, is happy to let me look through them both. i've openly asked him a million times and he denies it, but I don't know what to do a at my wits ends.

We row, have awful awful rows where we say disgusting things to each other, I'm usually crumpled in a heap crying hysterically, the next day he's sorry will never do it again, but by the end of the week he's back to lying and staying out all night til the early hours.
I take care of everything - finances, parenting, every single piece of responsibility I look after. I'm falling apart here doing everything and being constantly let down and lied too.

We can't afford couples counselling and don't know how to fix this.

We love each other and we're both so sad the next day, he's always sorry and hates himself for doing this, but can't seem to stop.

An advice is welcome.

CocktailQueen Tue 16-Jul-13 22:27:30

Wow. This happens 3-4 times a WEEK? I'sd say he has a drinking problem for sure. Not sure about beng unfaithful - I'm sure he's not v attractive when stinking drunk! Where does he go?

He sounds like a useless manchild, not parenting, not being part of a couple. I suggest he moves out to sort himself out. This is the last thing you need with a baby due. Save your attention for your new baby.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 16-Jul-13 22:27:50

Sounds like a drink problem to me.

Skillbo Tue 16-Jul-13 22:28:01

Wow Rex - i don't know about the cheating but i would say there is definitely some problem with alcohol. 3/4 times a week is madness, especially as you've made it clear you hate it and have such young DC.

Wiser posters will be along but it doesn't sound like much of a life at the moment!

coffeewineandchocolate Tue 16-Jul-13 22:30:58

does it matter which one It is if it is having the same negative effect. sounds like it would be much less stressful to kick him out. you are already doing everything anyways

kittybiscuits Tue 16-Jul-13 22:33:26

You can afford couple counselling, it's just that your OH is drinking all the money. Sounds like a desperate situation. In the first instance, does it actually matter what he is up to? I can't see how he could be any possible use or help to you given how he is currently behaving. I would never advise someone as pregnant as you to kick someone out, but I'm not sure what you have to lose here. I would read him the riot act and tell him it stops immediately or he moves out. If he is drinking very excessively every day, he should see the GP to consider medication to support him in his withdrawal. If he has days off anyway, cold turkey will do him no harm. Are you afraid to challenge him forcefully? Do you have any support? If you have friends/family who will back you and stand up to him, I would consider an intervention. Hope you keep posting. x

tribpot Tue 16-Jul-13 22:37:31

Drink problem. A bad one. You probably think because he can still get up and go to work that (a) it's not that bad and (b) he can't be an alcoholic. It is and he is.

Joint counselling will not help you; this is not your problem. The fallout from his problem is, however. I would recommend you read this book, talk to Al Anon and stop arguing about it - it won't do you any good. He needs to realise how serious his problem is, and how much it affects his whole family. At minimum he needs to go to his GP to seek help for his alcohol problem (I have been there myself, this is not a judgey post) - but realistically I think you need to ask him to leave. You cannot live like this.

3HotCrossBuns Tue 16-Jul-13 22:43:48

I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice that differs from the GP, Al-Anon suggestions but I would say that my H was drinking heavily AND having an affair - he was self medicating his issues with alcohol and another woman, which in turn made him feel worse so he drank more. I was wondering about Al-Anon myself when he had a semi-breakdown and calmed down on the drinking. A month later he confessed to the affair.

I appreciate you are not really in a position to be dealing with his issues on top of a young DC and v heavily pregnant. I agree that you should try to save your energy for coping with the new baby - he should sort himself out.

All the best.

HappyRexManningDay Tue 16-Jul-13 22:48:57

Thank you all for your advice.

We love each other and when he's here adores our toddler and is good to me. I would hate to have to go though life without each other, that's not the problem.

The problem is he's hardly here and is always letting me own, lying to me that he's "on his way" or "just jumping on the tube" then I hear nothing until he rolls in steaming drunk.

The longest he's been home from work straight after work is 3 days, but we row a lot when he's home with no drinks after work as I feel, he thinks he's doing me a favour by being home and not going out those days.

I've tried talking to him about his drink problem but he denies there's a problem and says he just wants to escape the pressure of life.

Recently he's said that he finds it tough that we've not had sex recently...the last time was just over a week ago. However it's boiling hot and I'm due very soon, have a toddler and still working full time. Besides how can we have sex when he's never here.

Shall I insist he sees the GP about his drinking? What would the GP suggest?

kittybiscuits Tue 16-Jul-13 23:01:12

From what you are saying OP, he is nowhere near to admitting he has a problem and seeking help. His excuses have blame attached to them. You cannot make him face his problem - you can only be clear on your own boundaries and what you will and won't tolerate for yourself. What he does about that is up to him. How long can you continue to cope if he carries on just as he is now? Or if he gets worse. Not trying to be harsh OP. You are not describing someone who is ready to seek help.

HappyRexManningDay Tue 16-Jul-13 23:06:07

kitty I agree, he doesn't think he has a problem and gets angry when I "nag" him about this....what can I do then?

What can you do? Not a lot. You can decide how much you will put up with and where your line will be drawn. I'd guess that having a newborn will make this problem much worse.

tribpot Tue 16-Jul-13 23:13:13

I know that what I'm writing won't make any sense to you - but perhaps at some point you will return to the thread and it will then. You can't fix this problem. Love can't fix this problem. You may not want to live without him but he is not giving you a choice. He has a very serious problem and he is choosing to prioritise the problem over you and his dc.

He won't go to the GP. Or if you force him, he will go and tell the GP he has a pint after work and you've exaggerated this into four-nights-a-week binge drinking.

You need to get help for yourself - you are very deeply in denial about the problem if you can write 'when he's here he's good to me' and then immediately note that you frequently row when he's there because he acts like he's done you a favour not to come home hammered for once.

Please do seek some help for yourself. You will find out how common these patterns are, how many other spouses felt as you do. No-one has suggested ending your marriage, only asking him to leave.

kittybiscuits Tue 16-Jul-13 23:15:22

It depends on your support network rex. I'm not hearing that you're ready to tell him to leave, though that might be the wisest thing. You have to start to think about you. What is the best you can do for yourself to manage the impending birth and being at home with your two little ones? They, and you, are much more important than him at this time. Your toddler and your STB newborn are completely helpless and dependent on you. He is an adult who is compromise your ability to even look after yourself and your toddler. Although you are upset and angry with him, at the moment you are allowing him to do this. You cannot stop him, but you are allowing him to do it in YOUR life. You have to start to draw boundaries and state what is okay for you and what will happen if he does not adjust his behaviour to take you and your babies into account - and you may need friends and family to support you with this, and to see it through. Do you have a support network? Look at the Alanon website, and start to learn about the situation you find yourself in. Hope this doesn't sound harsh. I feel very sad and angry for you about his shitty behaviour. x

kittybiscuits Tue 16-Jul-13 23:16:29

compromising

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Jul-13 23:42:32

Does he have an iPhone? There's a tracking device you can set up.

I think it sounds more like an affair than drinking, to be honest. If he just wanted to drink, he could do that at home.

calmingtea Wed 17-Jul-13 07:13:32

This is not a happy, healthy, loving relationship. I can tell you right now, couples counselling will not help. You each have to deal with your issues independently. He has a serious drinking problem, it is not normal behaviour. I am hazarding a guess you are already quite deep into codependency, as my logical self is saying why on earth have you not set down strong boundaries.

My experienced self left my xh 2 years who, who behaved exactly this way. I was convinced I loved him and convinced I should work for the marriage, we had young children and where would I go anyway. I lived with it for 7 years of marriage and it was hell on earth. Absolute hell. When he 'behaved' normally I was high and happy and in love, and when he called telling me he was on his way home I was in the depths of anxiety, tried to control his drinking, desperate, alone. Nothing I said ever made him change his behaviour, it just got worse. He would call or text telling me what time he was leaving the office and just not come back until he was finished drinking. He slept in parks, benches, railway stations, graveyards - too drunk to make it home. Othertimes he came back aggressive and we would fight. No changes in our life made a difference, nothing I did made a difference. I ended up in a very codependent and unhappy relationship and really lost every sense of self. A 'symptom' of codependency is not feeling happiness. He spent many many 1000s of our money on drink. tbh who knows what else he did. I raised my young children a single mother, which I am now and I am getting more support from friends and family than I did in my marriage. And I could go on.

What I do know now. He told me he loved me. He didn't he loved himself and he loved drink. No man who behaves that way is capable of love. He had many excuses for drinking, unhappy at work, depressed etc etc etc. But in retrospect these things were excuses for being allowed to behave in the way he felt like. I should have kicked him out the first time he did it and regret every day I didn't. But hindsight is a bitch. I would never stay in a relationship again where there was no trust or honesty and alcoholic relationships are just that. His first and only love was beer. My children are happier now and flourishing without him, they heard all the fights and stress. It really affected them. When he went they didn't even ask for him, he had been so deeply involved with his love-affair of beer (rarely drinking at home) that they weren't used to him being around.

calmingtea Wed 17-Jul-13 07:14:57

Oh I was going to say, 2 years now without that and life is hard as a lone parent, but oh my god. I am happy. And I had forgotten what that felt like.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Nothing that you have tried to date has worked so it is time for a different tack. Doing the same old over and over in the hopes of a different result is madness. You are playing a role here to him; that of enabler. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control. You absolutely must not take ownership of his drinking problem.

At the very least he needs to move out and now.

His primary relationship is with drink; everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second even if you do even figure on his priority list which you actually don't. Like many alcoholics he is in complete denial of his drink problem and likely also badly underestimates how much he is drinking. You cannot make him go to the GP if he does not want to. Unless he himself wants to sort his own sorry self out there is frankly nothing you can do to help him.

He has a serious drink problem that may or may not predate your relationship. You are now pregnant with a second child who is going to be brought into this dysfunctional situation. You say he is good at home but he's hardly ever there. You'd honestly be better off apart but its hard to leave because you think that with love and time you can save him from himself. Wrong on all counts there. You cannot rescue someone who does not want to be helped.

Do you really want your children to grow up within such a household where their dad (when he is bothering to be at home) is drunk?. What sort of example will he set to his children?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They also won't thank you longer term for staying with him.

I would also suggest you read "Codependent no More" written by Melodie Beattie as there are often elements of co-dependency within such relationship.s

HenWithAttitude Wed 17-Jul-13 07:26:08

Your mindset is how can I fix this?

You can't.

Adjusting your mindset is the first step to giving your children a better family life

HenWithAttitude Wed 17-Jul-13 07:26:47

A better family life is not accepting this btw

CityTiliDie Wed 17-Jul-13 07:27:30

He is a Twat!

He is an alcoholic.

If he is upset because you havent had much sex recently even though you are 9 months pregnant then he is an insensitive bastard. He has no respect for you or you body.

You should ban sex completely for months after you dc is born and TELL him to be home EVERY day straight after work or FUCK OFF as you dont need another child to contend with let alone a pissed one.

You say you love him and he's good to you! He is not! he's treating you like shit.

You say you dont want to be without him! You are without him most of the time. Your DC dont need the stress and conflictthat tis behaviour brings.

Kick his drunken childish arse into touch b4 you waste anymore time on this wanker.

MultumInParvo Wed 17-Jul-13 07:31:27

Happy. You can't fix it.

Nothing changes until something changes. He is not ready to do the changing yet, but it sounds like you are.

The best of luck to you.

HappyRexManningDay Wed 17-Jul-13 09:25:53

Thank you all for your advice, support and encouraging words.

When he finally came home last night we had a huge row and I ended up getting so stressed I had awful cramps and was doubled over in pain, and thought I was going into labour but after 45 mins or so they subsided which was a relief.

He flitted between being apologectic and being very agressive and angry.

he admitted he may drink a bit too much, but then in the same breathe he said it was largely my fault for not getting him any help. I exploded and we got into a huge row. i don't see why it's my sole responsibilty to fix his problems.

I have enough stresses with working FT, juggling being heavily pregnant and a toddler, plus I deal with all our household fiances including our tenants, mortgage, rent, all bills, all the hh cleaning, food shopping, cooking etc. It's too much to ask.

he was angry that i went out for dinner with my friends last weekend (the first time I've gone out with them in over a year, and I go out for dinner with friends in general maybe every 6 months if that).

He then chnaged his tune and got very angry and agressive and esentially blamed me for any problem sin our marriage and said he was leaving to go sleep ina hotel. At this point I was petrified as I genuinely thought i was in labour and had no idea who i would call to look after our toddler while i gave birth.

anyway, I'm rambling....thank you all for listening. It's been really helpful to talk and have someone listen. Really appreciate it.

JaceyBee Wed 17-Jul-13 09:43:53

Jeez, he sounds horrendous! How dare he blame you for not getting him help! Can he not hear how much of a total fuckwit that makes him sound? I think he has a huge problem with alcohol and I think you will wear yourself down trying to manage it when he will take no responsibility at all. I think you should ask him to move out, this is not an atmosphere a toddler and baby should have to live in. It will be hard but not impossible, plenty of women do it and do it very well.

He's pretty awful, isn't he.

Dahlen Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:15

He's an alcoholic. He doesn't have a drink 'problem' at all. He's an alcoholic.

THis sort of behaviour 3-4 times a week, which is badly affecting family life, is classic. It won't be long before he loses his job IMO, as the lack of sleep and effect of spending significant amounts of time drunk will begin to affect his performance.

IME you can plead, bargain, threaten, do whatever you like, and nothing will change until he accepts he's an alcoholic and decides he no longer wants to be. You may be able to help him reach that point sooner rather than later if you stop enabling him, but that's only a may, not a guarantee.

I know you really don't want to hear this while you're in the latter stages of pregnancy and already overwhelmed with responsibilities, but the only sensible solution for you and your DC is to kick out your DH or leave yourself. If you're lucky, the drink may not have addled his thinking too much and he'll realise that it's a straight choice between family and alcohol. If you stay, no matter how unhappy or angry you are, you're enabling him to have both.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:24:34

So what exactly do you get out of this relationship? How can you love someone who clearly prefers the company of anyone else 3-4 times a week, gives you no support whilst pregnant and doesn't help with his child.

Sorry but what does he have to do to make you see that he doesn't give a hoot about you or the children - he thinks he's still a single guy. Any guy going out drinking (wasting money for the family) 3-4 times a week has a problem and I wouldn't be surprised if there are OW on the scene too.

It's ultimatum time, he either acts like a father and partner or he has to go. Saying you love each other is not enough, you also need respect, support and team work in any relationship.

Skillbo Wed 17-Jul-13 12:33:55

Your last post Rex is heartbreaking and i am worried about you given the cramps and his clear inability to put you first. Please call a support service such as Al Anon or Women's Aid who will be able to help you.

I hope today is better but i really think you also need to start putting yourself and your DC first! Even if things can change (and it's not sounding likely at the moment) it's not going to be before you give birth so i would start making some plans.

Have my first ever ((hug))

HappyRexManningDay Wed 17-Jul-13 18:28:18

Thank you all, and thank you skillbo. Felt quite down today and felt pretty teary all day. The craps have comeback this evening, don't know if its stress or heat related or both.

Haven't seen husband since this morning when we argued before leaving the house. His phone is switched off of presumably he's out drinking again.

I actually found a text on his phone when he was asleep last night from a female work colleague who he talks about often. He has said she has recently split up with her boyfriend and although the text seems innocent enough she did a "lol" at the fact he went home to his "heavily pregnant other half" and ended it with three xxx.

Do you think I'm reading too much into it? I felt hurt that he's chosen to spend his spare time and evening/night with this woman instead of me.

And to top it all off a ,ale work colleague told me my new haircut which I thought looked quite nice looked terrible and made me look like a boy.

Wow I'm full of self pity today.

Writing this all out and having someone to talk to makes me feel better at least. Thank you all.

HappyRexManningDay Wed 17-Jul-13 18:28:52

Should rea cramps not craps....at least made me smile reading it back.

PattyPenguin Wed 17-Jul-13 18:43:22

Happy, I'm really rather worried. You said about last night "At this point I was petrified as I genuinely thought i was in labour and had no idea who i would call to look after our toddler while i gave birth."

What will happen if you go into labour this evening? Or any other evening when he's out drinking? Or during the night when he hasn't come home or he's there but he's still bladdered? Who will look after your toddler?

I think you really have to consider other support in the short term, because I don't see how you can rely on him.

In the long term, I think you have to consider whether you can cope with a full-time job, two children and all the responsibiltiies of runnning a home with a man who is worse than no help, he's actually a liability.

Sorry if that sounds a bit brutal, but as I say, your story has got me worried.

TheWysticManker Wed 17-Jul-13 19:20:19

I am so so sorry for you being in this awful position. I can see you dont yet think its as bad as it is, that's because you have become co-dependent and immured to this atrocious behavior.

Realy this is not a way you would treat your worst enemy

He has a very very ad drinking problem. You cannot fix it. You cannot make him understand it IS a problem. You can only take care of yourself and your child(ren)

I wish you luck and strength. Please, talk to people IRL Be honest. You will need their support

joblot Wed 17-Jul-13 20:20:41

I'm not clear what he brings into your life apart from occasional niceness? And more than half the week he's thoughtless unkind and downright mean, even abusive???

Please talk to someone intelligent in real life. You sound I'm afraid to say like a doormat who is putting up with a poor excuse of a partner, and for what? Life's way too short and your kids really don't deserve it either.

Skillbo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:46:27

Evening Rex - hope the craps have died down a bit wink although its a good point around support for when you do go into labour. You need to be concerned with your soon to arrive baby, not how you're getting to the hospital or who will look after your other child.. just madness!

Have you heard anything from him yet?

Do you have family nearby you could decamp to for a few days until you're less worried,tearful & scared (sorry if you've already mentioned this). I just think you need some time to get your head clearer so you can start to make some plans.. if not family, some dear friends who can look out for you! I'm on the south coast if i can help?

I know it's hard but i have two small ones and whilst my H is still involved, you will surprise yourself just what you can accomplish if you have to!

suburbophobe Thu 18-Jul-13 01:10:03

God, you sound amazing with all you do. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I think your absolute priority at the moment is to get a birth plan in place. Do you have family/friends who can take care of your toddler when you go into labour?
It's obvious there's no way you can entrust their care to him!

I went into labour at 8 months, I honestly believe due to the stress and violence caused by my then H.

calmingtea Thu 18-Jul-13 06:46:01

OP I think you need to focus less on whether he is cheating on you and more on how badly he treats you. I know how hard it is to accept when you are in the middle on the situation (search here for similar posts, they all are similar), but listen to what everyone here is saying.

He is behaving in a absolutely disgusting way towards you and the children, leaving you extremely vulnerable. I can tell you know, if you detached from him, in time you would have flashbacks to things he did and it would shock you like sharp punches to the pit of your stomach.

Please get yourself support for your birth and tell someone in RL what is going on. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy, and you need to focus on getting support for you - not hiding away. FGS the stress of his behaviour is giving you stomach cramps. ((((hugs))))

JustinBsMum Thu 18-Jul-13 07:04:06

He is a mess, his life is a mess, he is selfish and cruel. You would do him a favour by asking him to leave. You would do your DC a favour by asking him to leave. And on his own he might start on the road to recovery but the present situation is bad for all of you.

Is there someone who can stay with you for a while, DM, Dsis or a friend?

Orchidlady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:26:10

Happy your DH sounds like a horrible selfish man child. So what happens if you do into labour whilst on one of his little piss ups?

HappyRexManningDay Thu 18-Jul-13 22:11:30

Thank you all for the advice and support. Honestly, I'm very worried about going into labour whilst he's out drinking and uncontactable.

We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.

He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.

kittybiscuits Thu 18-Jul-13 22:22:37

Hi rex, you're right to be worried about this. You need a back up plan for when the inevitable happens. Who can you ask? I feel anxious about you being left high and dry. Who will look after your 2 year old and who can be there for you? Please plan something.

So he's thinking maybe he's pushed it a bit too far (again) and he's saying the usual stuff. I'm sure he is ashamed - who wouldn't be - but this sounds to me like a late-in-the day-token-gesture in case you're thinking of booting him out. Maybe you'll have a couple of days of him being nice, then he'll make an excuse to start a fight and fuck off to the pub saying no wonder he drinks cos he has to live with you. Please don't make any appointments for him, or remind him at all. Leave him to it and see if he means it.

How are you doing physically today? Any more cramps? Have you been eating and drinking, and did you get any peace/quiet/rest?

Skillbo Thu 18-Jul-13 22:32:52

You said he's done this all before... what is he going to do differently this time? That lovely saying 'insanity is doing the same things but expecting a different outcome' or something like that!

I am lucky enough not to have shared my life with an alcoholic but have read lots of sad threads on here and the same truth seems to always come out... loss and hitting rock bottom is the only thing that will motivate genuine change and that's why i think it's important that you either ask him to spend some time away or stay with your family for a bit. You can then sort out some cover for your birth and he will realise what he is jeopardising... Perhaps he can then really start to turn it round (and you won't be worrying about labour).

I don't want to doom & gloom you but i will be surprised if he can go from 3/4 nights heavy drinking to nothing without very strong motivation. Losing his family and having to work to get them back could be it!

I hope you are having a calmer night and here's to no more craps till the real thing smile

calmingtea Fri 19-Jul-13 06:44:33

<We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.

He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.>

When I used to hear this I would feel so relieved and happy and think that it was worth sticking around and working on the relationship because finally he admitted it so then we could do something to stop it. It didn't usually last long, either he got smarter at hiding it, or he would play nice for a few days to keep me happy and then do straight back to his old behaviour. It is all part of the rollercoaster of living with an alcoholic. The only way he may stop is by reaching absolute rock bottom, and your H is not there. By the way, I was stupid enough to hear and believe that statement on average twice a month for seven or more years.

Words are cheap and I am sorry to say he has more likely than not told you what you have so wanted to hear again. Thus the merry go around that is alcoholism continues.

There are no guarantees with alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards.

You cannot save or rescue him but you can certainly help your own self more. Have you spoken with Al-anon?.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 14:33:59

I have lived with an alcoholic in my life and it was all exactly like you have described Rex. I second the suggestion that, first things first, you get a plan sorted for the birth that does not involve him, as you cannot guarantee that he will be around when you need him.

I speak as someone who was booked in for a spinal epidural (v bad slipped disc) and "the love of my life" was going to a) take me to the hospital & b) bring me home again (I needed to be with someone for 24 hrs after the op or they wouldn't allow me to be discharged, just in case my legs fell off or something). My mum had died suddenly about 5 days beforehand - not only was he too pissed to take me to the hospital (at 10 in the morning - he'd started drinking before I woke up) - please note that even in this circumstance, when I needed his support the most, he was unable to not prioritise the drink over me - but come discharge time he'd turned his phone off. I had to pretend someone was waiting for me at home so they'd let me out. He turned up 2 days later on the morning of my mum's funeral - pissed.

And do you know what? I thought he loved me - I just couldn't understand how it could be that someone who loved me so much could do that - it took me a long while to truly understand that an alcoholic is not capable of loving anyone while they are in the throes of their addiction. How could he think of me like that? The truth was, he wasn't thinking about me at all - he was just thinking about his next drink.

Sorry, went off on one there but I am trying to show you why you need to start prioritising yourself: he may or he may not start dealing with his alcohol problems, but that is not in your power to effect and as a wise person said above, you can't cure it, you cant change it and you certainly can't control it.

I am so sorry this is happening for you Rex and am sending you much love. Keep talking to us on here.

MysteriousHamster Fri 19-Jul-13 23:22:45

Hi OP,

Sorry going through this. My initial thoughts are 1) he's an alcoholic, 2) can you even trust him to look after your toddler during labour and 3) would you trust him holding a tiny baby? It's a horrible thing to bring up but what if he fell asleep holding him/her on the sofa etc? He's a risk to your children in this current state sad

GladToBeBack Sat 20-Jul-13 00:18:23

Been there, done that - unfortunately sad

It will only get worse - he has no idea that he is addicted to alcohol, that it rules his life, and that it will destroy both your lives, and your children's lives.

the misery, for you, will only intensify

can you afford a nanny?

You need a short term plan before you can start looking at the bigger picture lovely.

Put family members in place for your imminent birth

or friends

do not even think about relying on him - but you know that already....

Stay strong xxxx

GladToBeBack Sat 20-Jul-13 16:35:15

are you OK Rex ?

HappyRexManningDay Sat 20-Jul-13 19:46:26

Hi everyone. Well husband has been (predictably) on great form. Came home ear ly last couple of days, very helpful with toddler etc. the sad bit is this happens a lot, after a massive row about his drinking there is usually up to a week of great supportive behaviour, which is then slowly followed by snappyness, irritability and then episodes of staying out til past midnight - 3am uncontactable drinking, followed by a huge row.

He hasn't mentioned making a doctors appointment since the night after the row. I'm nt sure whether to bring it up or not.

I don't want to be a mug but at the same time I want to give him a chance to prove himself.

Haven't had any cramps or painful episodes but do feel a bit unease withy he situation almost like its to good to be true, and waiting for the next crazy drink induced row.

Is that a negative way to behave? Should I give him the chance to prove himself or have another talk about what he's going to do to address this drink issue going forward?

Isabeller Sat 20-Jul-13 19:49:43

Have you talked to your midwife?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:58

I know someone who is 12 years down the line with a man like this. It is destroying her. He has never been any use to her and now the children see it too. And he's had an affair too.

She has given him so many chances.

tribpot Sat 20-Jul-13 20:16:13

If you don't feel you can remind him about the GP appointment you are walking on eggshells around him.

Please get in touch with Al-Anon. You need to understand what 'giving him a chance' means in this context.

And please please make sure you have some alternative support for your birth.

Sorry to say this Rex but you're stuck on that merry go around that is alcoholism as well. You're still propping him up and enabling him. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control. Talking to him about his drinking is a wasted effort. What does that really achieve?.

You need to realise that his primary relationship is with drink and is still with drink. Everything and everyone else does not matter. He's wondering where the next drink will come from.

Now we are in the "nice" bit of this cycle of abuse till he needs a drink again and that will happen sooner rather than later. This is all so sadly predictable.

What has really changed here - nothing from what I can see.

He does not want a chance from you to prove himself. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him besides which he does not want your help anyway. Not at all surprised he has not spoken to the GP, he likely will not do so either. He will just keep telling you what you so want to hear and to believe that this time he means it.

You are very vulnerable currently and he will let you down again. I would find an alternative birth partner because he will find any excuse to drink again either before or especially after your second child is born.

You need to read this as well:-

www.frogpondpickers.com/inspire/merrygoround.htm

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 20-Jul-13 20:29:56

Attila

That is so true

SnoopyLovesYou Sun 21-Jul-13 03:28:10

So many of us (inc me) have been through this. Abuse & drink. It's so hard to take. Here's a big hug. Be strong and most importantly, try and keep away from him (hard as this may seem) as much as possible. Good luck with your delivery and try to just focus on yourself and kids.

Lizzabadger Sun 21-Jul-13 11:45:38

It's very sad to read all this. Please focus on a birth plan and looking after yourself and your toddler for now.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Sun 21-Jul-13 22:33:39

Oh my god Attila. Every word of that, ^every word^: all true. Thank you so much for posting it.

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