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If you were to pass on just one piece of relationship advice to your DC....

(132 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 15:58:31

... distilled from your own experience, observation, or what you've read on MN and elsewhere, What would it be?

On balance, I think mine would be 'be yourself' in the sense of ... be very wary of getting together with anyone for whom you feel you have to change personality or who openly wants you to behave differently in order for them to love you. If they don't love you for yourself, move swiftly along.

Treat your partner in the same manor which you would expect to be treated - learn not to raise your voice or use profanities or unkind words.

Vickibee Mon 15-Jul-13 16:01:08

they wouldn't take any notice!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:10:55

Kids not taking any notice of the wrinklies is a given Vickibee.... smile But it's nice to theorise.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:08

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. (Treat others with kindness and respect too, obviously. But just make sure that YOU are receiving the respect you deserve)

Don't waste time and energy on people who only have one toe in the relationship, but keep you dangling anyway for their own convenience or their own messed up reasons. Again, you deserve better than that. Walk on.

flipchart Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:58

Be like your dad and you won't go far wrong.

BabCNesbitt Mon 15-Jul-13 16:13:54

I'm not sure that I would have taken any words of advice from my mother about relationships because for decades my parents have provided a model of exactly what I don't want a relationship to be. I'd just be open to giving advice if asked, and otherwise try (with DH!) to provide an example of what a decent relationship might look like. (NB not a perfect one - seeing how disputes can be resolved reasonably calmly and how people can make up without sulking for days or bitching about each other to the DC also helpful!)

amessageforyouYoni Mon 15-Jul-13 16:15:24

Dont take advice unsolicited advice on relationships from people grin

lurkingfromhome Mon 15-Jul-13 16:15:34

Don't put up with any behaviour from a partner that you wouldn't from a platonic friend, family member, colleague or random stranger. Your partner should be the one who treats you better than anyone else.

And, conversely, don't treat your partner with any less respect than you would show to a platonic friend, family member, colleague or random stranger. Be kind.

exexpat Mon 15-Jul-13 16:15:55

I think I'd say pretty much what you'd say, Cogito. Certainly it's what I realised about my own relationships.

OddSockMonster Mon 15-Jul-13 16:17:39

Be kind to others and know that you deserve the same back. Don't lie, respect others' feelings, and know you have the right to truth and respect back.

PlainOldVanilla Mon 15-Jul-13 16:20:24

To never let any one make you feel like your not good enough the way you are.

MulliganandOHare Mon 15-Jul-13 16:24:27

Be unlike your dad and you won't go far wrong...

Do the right thing.

Don't be too concerned with what you think other people think about you.

NoComet Mon 15-Jul-13 16:26:17

I'd pass on my DDad's "humans are programmed to fall in love, make sure you like the person first"

The first time he scares you or you feel physically threatened, leave, walk away, run as fast as you can.

For some reason, this lesson seems to be one learned in later life. I certainly wouldn't tolerate the behaviour of several of my exes nowadays.

PeppermintPasty Mon 15-Jul-13 16:37:23

I would say, don't imagine that you can "fix" someone, they are what they are. Don't hang on like grim death ignoring your gut instincts.

Poledra Mon 15-Jul-13 16:37:40

If you're planning to have children with a man, look very carefully at the size of his head.

I'm too late with that one for my DDs - they all inherited their father's bonce <wince emoticon>

chamonixlover Mon 15-Jul-13 16:42:23

don't have children, I wish I hadn't

Poledra Mon 15-Jul-13 16:47:53

Sorry, have posted frivolously on a serious thread. My apologies.

HeadFairy Mon 15-Jul-13 16:49:07

Treat your partner in exactly the same way you wish to be treated. Actually that's not a bad philosophy for life in general.

RabbitFromAHat Mon 15-Jul-13 16:51:05

Always have enough money of your own to walk away.

ShatterResistant Mon 15-Jul-13 16:53:10

My mum has spent my entire life giving me excellent relationship advice. It's only now that I am happily married that I realise she was right all along! I will be telling my (5 month old) daughter that if you have to work at it less than 2 years in, it's almost certainly not worth the effort.

Talk, don't accuse. Finger pointing causes arguments, but talking, sharing, and being kind about it saves relationships.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:55:33

Wasn't necessarily a serious thread Poledra smile The head-size thing is something I wish I'd paid attention to. <pelvic floor sagging at the memory>

VodkaJelly Mon 15-Jul-13 17:06:31

Always earn your own money, never ever become finacially dependent on another person.

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:06:58

"If you are in trouble I will fight tooth and nail to help you. If I find out you caused the trouble and lied I will make sure you will never forget my wrath and I will drag you round to apologise to each and every person". DD learnt this lesson very early on.

<Horrible mum>

Learnt from my Mum who always waded in with teachers/parents/neighbours/friends to defend my brother who was a little shit and watching Mum making a total idiot of herself over and over again when she believed his lies.

Make sure you like who you love.

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:11:00

Actually that came out wrong! I meant 'if you were in danger/trouble not of your making'

blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:13:04

I like 'like who you love', if that's not too confusing. confused The 'own money' one also gets my vote as it served me very well when things were bleakest.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Mon 15-Jul-13 17:13:08

My advice would be to find someone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself. Someone who makes you feel comfortable being exactly who you are and who loves you for being that person.

Never date a man you feel you need to mend or change. It won't work.

Watch how a man treats waiters, shop assistants, etc. If he is an arse to these people but nice to others, it is the arse bit that is his true self.

GetStuffezd Mon 15-Jul-13 17:13:45

Learn to be happy single! Don't ever feel the need to be in a crap relationship for the sake of not being alone. Keep yourself financially independent and make sure you could go it alone of needed.

All relationships should be friendly, loving and supportive.

Mine is pretty similar to getstuffed's. Learn to love yourself first. You don't need to be in a relationship to feel happy and validated in yourself. A crap relationship can be the loneliest thing in the world.

If you can't agree on the biggies like marriage and kids don't expect they will change. There's a small possibility they might but don't bank on that happening.

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:24:50

Save 10% of your income or more if you can.

If he hits you/cheats on you/lies to you then leave the first time he does it. DO NOT HANG AROUND.

Wear what you like and not what is fashionable. You do not HAVE to follow the crowd.

Learn how to revise for exams. It is a skill and will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

Learn how to touch type.

Look after your female friends - do not drop them the second you get a boyfriend and expect them to be their in an instant if/when he dumps you or you dump him. Why should they?

Watch how he treats him mum/sisters/women. Is he a little prince and doesn't lift a finger? Yep - you will be his lackey in the future.

Prozacbear Mon 15-Jul-13 17:26:02

Make sure you are financially independent.

Don't date a man that you are capable of resenting for any long period of time, or who makes you feel stupid or small.

Be with someone who you can laugh with - just because someone looks good 'on paper' it does not mean that you 'should' be with them.

IT'S OK TO BE SINGLE FOR MORE THAN TEN MINUTES!

You can't change him. But if you may be able to change his clothes (I'll stand by this one).

pinkpanther79 Mon 15-Jul-13 17:34:23

My grandma gave me 1 piece of advice "be kind to each other." Works for me!

OTheHugeManatee Mon 15-Jul-13 17:39:21

If it doesn't feel right, that's probably because it isn't right, not because there's something wrong with you.

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:41:23

If he has children from previous relationships that he doesn't see or support please don't think you are 'different and special'. You aren't - he won't see or support your DCs either.

If someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Always have enough money to stand on your own two feet.
Make sure you like someone before you get into a relationship with them.

TerribleTantrums Mon 15-Jul-13 17:46:50

Don't rely entirely on one person for your happiness, and don't allow another person to hold you entirely responsible for their happiness.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 15-Jul-13 17:48:46

If someone doesn't treat you in a certain way/display certain behaviours at the start of a relationship, they're sure as hell not going to start when you've been seeing them for months! If you don't like the way things are at the start then stop it there and then.

YY to Poledra also, the head thing is v important!

BalloonSlayer Mon 15-Jul-13 17:50:25

You are supposed to treat the person you are in a relationship BETTER than you treat friends/relatives [except children]/colleagues/people in the pub/strangers.

So . . . if you are in a relationship with someone who is nicer to others (apart from DCs) than they are to you, that relationship is a crap one.

themaltesecat Mon 15-Jul-13 17:52:18

Don't be with someone stupider than you. You end up dying when you're with your family and your boyfriend says, "Who's Dr Faustus? Don't you mean Dr Phil?" ^ and he isn't joking^ (true story).

Keeping your own money and marrying someone you fancy are both very important.

Be kind to each other.

Murtette Mon 15-Jul-13 17:56:04

If, after a series of bastard boyfriends all of whom you have tried to fix, you have the luck to end up with one who is really nice, kind & caring and puts you first do NOT think he's "pathetic" and dump him and then spend another 10 years (and a lot more bastards) trying to find someone who treats you in a similar fashion.

Chigley1 Mon 15-Jul-13 17:57:29

If you feel loved, you are.

When someone tells you what they're like, believe them.

I realise that's 2 things!

flowerpotgirl12 Mon 15-Jul-13 18:00:40

Date a kind man who will treat you well and makes you want to do the same. Someone who treats you as an equal not a housekeeper/cook/sex toy. If you're not happy or it's not right stop making excuses for the reasons and do something about it. Be strong enough to listen to yourself and the confidence to walk away when it's wrong.

momnipotent Mon 15-Jul-13 18:07:08

Never be dependent on someone else, either financially or emotionally.

FortyFacedFuckers Mon 15-Jul-13 18:07:12

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship

Samu2 Mon 15-Jul-13 18:08:19

Hurt and drama is not love. It is hurt and drama, do not confuse the feelings of that with love.

noddyholder Mon 15-Jul-13 18:09:38

Enjoy being young and wait for someone great. Anything else is hard work and being single is amazing

Lancelottie Mon 15-Jul-13 18:12:23

One I've already had to ofer up to DS at 14:

It's only a relationship if both people want it.

Ipp3 Mon 15-Jul-13 18:12:27

Marry someone who is your favourite person to be with. Knowing that you just really like being with the other person will get you through sticky spots.

Lancelottie Mon 15-Jul-13 18:12:43

ofer = offer

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:16:45

I particularly like yours OTheHugeManatee. It's a crap relationship..... you are not 'expecting too much' or 'not trying hard enough', you do not have 'trust issues' and you probably wouldn't need half as much medication if you were out of this crap relationship.

bleedingheart Mon 15-Jul-13 18:23:57

A relationship often involves compromise but love isn't hard.
Don't mistake dependency for soulmates.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:25:07

Another one I read somewhere.... 'never mistake the absence or cessation of unkindness for love'

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:26:40

If you are lucky enough to earn a good salary make sure you run your life to be able to live on a third of it if shit hits the fan.

If you cannot afford a sofa sit on boxes until you have saved up for one. If friends come round and sit on the boxes and come back - they are friends. If they sneer they are not.

Never get into debt to gain approval of people who do not matter.

Learn to cook from scratch, buy your dc's a cook book and teach them from the earliest age how to make simple dishes. It will save them a fortune in the future.

NumTumDeDum Mon 15-Jul-13 19:27:00

Trust is easily broken and difficult if not impossible to fix. Don't break someone's trust in you. You will never wash the bad taste out of your mouth. Be the person who keeps their promises.

ALittleStranger Mon 15-Jul-13 19:38:06

Enjoy being single. It is an excellent time to forge friendships that will probably outlast many a lover and find out who you are.

Failure is fine. I do not want you to marry the first man who kisses you and a series of relationships help make you a better partner and work out what you want.

Learn to recognise the sale by date on a relationship and get out in time.

But be kind to people. 'Because you can' is not a reason to do something, 'because you should' is.

The majority of people do not lie, cheat, hit etc. Allow yourself to trust and fall in love on this basis, but be as intolerant as hell because of it too.

34DD Mon 15-Jul-13 20:01:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

34DD Mon 15-Jul-13 20:04:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarahseashell Mon 15-Jul-13 20:29:08

it's a relationship, not an ownership

Sondosia Mon 15-Jul-13 20:48:11

A great piece of advice which my own mum passed on to me: "Experience living with someone before you make a commitment to them (marriage/kids/mortgage/etc)"

bestsonever Mon 15-Jul-13 21:04:35

Respect and love and value yourself first, don't look to others for validation, relationships should enhance what you already have.

CityGal29 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:09:18

Marry the best looking, best in bed & best potential dad you can find with a good job who can compromise and is kind. That's 100% happiness if you want to work too (or if you don't ) wink

Be brave enough to fall in love. I never thought i would, or at least never thought if i did it would be like this. It is by far and away the best thing that has ever happened to me. And i say this after 14 years together. I so nearly walked because i was scared about how i felt. Very glad i didn't.

MumOfTheMoos Mon 15-Jul-13 21:58:49

Love really shouldn't be hard, complicated or impossible because of someone's issues from childhood etc, etc. people who love you are kind to you and generally want to be with you and spend time with you, more than anybody else. The baggage may still be there, they just don't let it get in the way of being with you. Excuses tend to mean that they're just not that into you.

Lweji Mon 15-Jul-13 22:10:31

Love the other person as much as you love yourself, and vice versa.

and Always have a FYF (Fuck You Fund)

Januarymadness Mon 15-Jul-13 22:12:35

Allways know you COULD survive without them.

redrubyshoes Mon 15-Jul-13 22:13:00

Never get a pet unless you are prepared to look after it 100%.

<Looking at you my neighbour who views them as disposable toys for your kids>

MarianneM Mon 15-Jul-13 22:15:09

Find a lovely man like Daddy and you will be happy. Don't waste any time or attention on arseholes.

MarianneM Mon 15-Jul-13 22:16:30

And completely agree with this sarahseashell

"it's a relationship, not an ownership"

williaminajetfighter Mon 15-Jul-13 22:23:30

The best relationships are those that started off as friendships and will always have friendship - not lust, a desire to marry or procreation - as their basis...

Don't judge a book by its cover. Some very nasty pieces of work come in a very attractive package and tick all the right boxes - don't get fooled. Watch how they behave and take some time to check them out. Keep your feet on the ground - difficult to do in the beginning of a relationship I know but could save you a lot of heartache.

That sounds like more than one but it's all stems from critically evaluating who the person really is and not what you want them to be.

WafflyVersatile Tue 16-Jul-13 02:11:00

Don't throw good money after bad.

cory Tue 16-Jul-13 09:17:35

A relationship is about reciprocity. If that isn't happening, then it isn't a relationship.

also:

There is no obligation to be in a relationship. The world doesn't come to an end if you are without a boyfriend/girlfriend for 5 minutes.

maleview70 Tue 16-Jul-13 09:30:54

Best advice for my daughter would be

"Never become financially dependant on a man"....the number of posts I read where women in terrible relationships have to stay for financial reasons.

For both

" live live to the max and don't settle down until you are in your 30's"

Kione Tue 16-Jul-13 10:30:39

Only you can make yourself happy. Don't rely on other or material things for that. Learn to love yourself the way you are and other things should add to your wellbeing, not be the base of it.
Too "selfhelp" but true nevertheless.

Always maintain financial independence.

DP has a massive head, we've not had kids yet. I think I'm screwed.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; if yours taught you damaging lessons then these need to be unlearnt.

You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

EBearhug Tue 16-Jul-13 14:58:18

My mother always said you should always have a running away fund, too.

Financial independence is very important. Money can't buy you love, but it sure as hell gives you more options for everything else in life.

GoshAnneGorilla Tue 16-Jul-13 19:05:18

Wait before you have children with someone, until you really get to know them and are sure you are compatible.

I read this elsewhere, it sounds depressing, but it's good preparation/antidote to fairy tale ideas some people have about married life, IMO: marriage means facing all life's problems times two.

Wellwobbly Tue 16-Jul-13 19:08:20

Watch their family of origin very carefully. Know that that is how they will revert to in terms of coping skills.

Always earn your own money.

Wellwobbly Tue 16-Jul-13 19:12:24

No, Peppermint Patsy's advice is the best!

I am telling D14 that one...

bakingaddict Tue 16-Jul-13 19:17:22

Respect the person you live with but above all respect yourself in a relationship. If you have that covered you can solve most problems together

fabulousfoxgloves Tue 16-Jul-13 21:06:17

Watch their family of origin is a good one.

But I am now just wondering if exH learned my (former) tolerance of abuse from watching my family of origin.

I am not sure I can give dcs relationship advice, as I have two failed marriages, just teach/encourage/model healthy boundaries and self-respect and that they can say no, accept no, etc, and be happy themselves, and hopefully find someone who they can be happy with.

Always maintain a source of income - yy
And like the sitting on boxes example. So true.

Newstart13 Thu 18-Jul-13 15:32:06

Read this thread grin

Am bumping 'cos it is ace and worth reading ...

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 15:37:39

Only you can make yourself happy. Don't rely on other or material things for that. Learn to love yourself the way you are and other things should add to your wellbeing, not be the base of it

Totally agree with this Kione - another good piece of advice I have learned from (the hard way grin) is you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change how you react to it.

Jan49 Thu 18-Jul-13 15:42:19

When you see negative things about the other person's behaviour, don't assume they are one-off incidents or things that will change when they are a little older. Better to assume this is how the person will behave forever. I saw lots of things in my teenage boyfriend's behaviour which I thought were one-off incidents or just because he hadn't yet grown up properly or lived independently. Big mistake. He's now my ex after a 20 year relationship and dc and he still behaves the same in his 50s.angry

If we all followed the advice never to become financially dependent on one person, no one would have children, since very few people with children have a lifestyle (house, mortgage etc) that they could afford to continue if one of them were on their own with the dc.

anklebitersmum Thu 18-Jul-13 15:45:02

Don't settle for second best. Ever.

BeCool Thu 18-Jul-13 15:54:00

I agree re "be yourself" and have confidence and belief in yourself.

But I will also be passing on the amazing wee mantra picked up from MN - "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!"

<bangs head on desk at how long it took me to learn this>

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 16:01:05

Wow, Cogito!

When I saw your thread title, I thought "be yourself".

If your partner doesn't like that person, better to know sooner rather than later!

NoComet Thu 18-Jul-13 16:31:45

Just as well you lot are not my mothers, I've earned £0.00 for sixteen years and I don't give a fuck.

GetStuffezd Thu 18-Jul-13 16:50:50

Well done you.

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 18-Jul-13 16:56:32

I would advise DS to ensure he doesnt have children until well and truly settled and married, ensure he chooses a partner with similar interests and work ethic and never leave contraception to just one partner but both.

LittleFrieda Fri 19-Jul-13 20:34:12

Only marry your lover if he is also your best friend.

ccsays Fri 19-Jul-13 20:38:54

I'd pass on the words of wisdom my mother passed on to me:

"Never shag anyone who doesn't have a proper name". Sage advice.

sulkygirl Fri 19-Jul-13 20:44:45

To echo many people on this thread I would stress till I went blue the importance of never becoming totally financially dependant on anyone else.

ccsays Fri 19-Jul-13 20:46:18

Also, from my own experience never shag anyone whose career plan is 'the band'.

MaryBateman Fri 19-Jul-13 21:13:29

Take it slowly, get to know each other properly and don't rush it. I know when you're 20 and 'in love' that you want it all now but honestly you have ages. Better a year or two or three spent dating, going on holiday, seeing each other in different circumstances and building your relationship than moving in together/rushing up the aisle, having a couple of kids, finding out that he/she is the laziest/most unfaithful/moody twat since the year dot and it all falling apart horribly. You're young. There's no fecking rush!

bumblebeaver Fri 19-Jul-13 21:29:11

I don't know if this is the only thing I'd say, but one thing would be listen to what your friends and family are saying about them. If one friend doesn't like them, no biggie, but if none of the people who love you express positive feelings about your chosen partner, you need to give that some weight.

Also, never worry about the fallout of following your heart - if it doesn't feel right get the hell out.

I wish I had the link the the SATC when Samantha explains that if a man makes you smile, you stay, if he makes you frown, you go.

MaryBateman Fri 19-Jul-13 21:42:37

Yeah actually what bumble says. If you are the only one who can see any good in someone when everyone else is telling you that you are blind and are being treated appallingly then chances are that you are the one who is missing or denying the obvious.

Took my friend ten years and too many bruises to realise that he really was an abusive shit and that they didn't actually have a special relationship.

Lazyjaney Fri 19-Jul-13 21:48:45

- Does he treat animals kindly and service people with consideration.

- Always have a Fuck You fund

- 2 strikes, then out - if it's not working out, exit early rather than late

Lurleene Sat 20-Jul-13 00:09:00

Base your feelings on their actions / behaviour NOT on the words that come out of their mouth.

I've wasted too much time on twats who knew the right things to say however I've been married for 13 years to a man who is not verbally demonstrative at all, but proves himself by being kind.

calmingtea Sat 20-Jul-13 07:35:37

Sooo many things:

Fairy tales are just stories

Always stay financially independent

You need to feel lovable, loving and loved

Trust those who are trustworthy

Don't rely on others for your own sense of worth

Learn to communicate with others clearly

Value your own thoughts and feelings as highly as those of others

Love is not falling in love before you have any real information about who that person is and what they can contribute to your life

Relationships are made of two equal, distinctly separate beings that enjoy each other

If it barks like dog and looks like a dog....

The most important relationship you can have is with yourself first and foremost

Extreme loyalty is not a virtue

Learn what your boundaries are and that it is ok to enforce them

Learn to listen and believe yourself

Believe someone for the actions they take not the words they utter

Don't be afraid of change or being on your own

TheFallenNinja Sat 20-Jul-13 07:40:39

He/she is your partner, not your possession.

If they don't laugh much brace yourself for a boring life.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Do your share of the chores.

However old you get you can always pack up and come home.

Don't value possessions over your happiness.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 07:45:34

Appreciating the lists and all the great ideas but can we do a Desert Island Discs style .. 'if your tips were threatened by a freak wave and you had to save just one, what would it be?'. smile

Lazyjaney Sat 20-Jul-13 12:03:06

Treat others as you want them to treat you, but if it is not reciprocated get the hell out.

bumblebeaver Sat 20-Jul-13 18:30:03

It's ok to be single. I had more single years than relationshipped ones - and I think that drove me to make mistakes, because I was so keen to meet someone. Sit back, sift through the men you meet, chuck away the duff ones and wait for a good one. No rush.

cheerfulweather Sat 20-Jul-13 18:31:22

Don't rush into anything. Don't even think about marriage or children until at least 30!

smile

cheerfulweather Sat 20-Jul-13 18:32:53

Oh yes, how could I forget. And never, never become completely and utterly financially dependent on somebody else. Very important.

KingscoteStaff Sat 20-Jul-13 19:59:28

Look at how he behaves towards people who are lower status than him.

fishybits Sat 20-Jul-13 20:05:51

I'd pass on the only piece of relationship advice my mother gave me.

"Make sure he or she is kind"

nooka Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:14

Mine assumes that the relationships that my children have are generally good ones so:

Talk about stuff!. Don't assume he/she is a mind reader

BlackeyedSusan Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:15

if he hurts, frightens or threatens you, leave IMMEDIATELY.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 20-Jul-13 22:51:53

poledra, yep that too. things have never been quite right since the 91st percentile heads and one set of forceps... <wince>

steppemum Sat 20-Jul-13 23:07:53

I second the kindness ones

Be kind to each other.

Men are only after one thing....

Januarymadness Sat 20-Jul-13 23:34:50

No... really no...not all of them are...

BOF Sat 20-Jul-13 23:45:01

Only marry the best person you have ever met. They need to be great company, make you laugh, be kind, share your values, and be a generous lover. Basically, the person you'd most like to be stuck in a lift with.

Kaluki Sat 20-Jul-13 23:49:15

If you he to fight for someone they aren't worth fighting for.
And
Never settle for second best!

Kaluki Sun 21-Jul-13 00:11:32

I wish I'd had mumsnet in my 20s
It took me till I was 40 to figure these out!

Januarymadness - I know! Not all men are after your money.

CailinDana Sun 21-Jul-13 17:52:30

Respect is the cornerstone of a relationship. Once respect is gone, the relationship is over.

Twinklestein Sun 21-Jul-13 19:35:14

Do not do in the first year of marriage/relationship anything you would not want to be doing for the rest of your life. So don't go OTT on cordon bleu & S&M. And get a cleaner.

calmingtea Sun 21-Jul-13 19:38:30

Desert island discs style - my absolute favourite is: Love is not falling in love before you have any real information about who that person is and what they can contribute to your life. (The reason is that by definition is includes all the others, self-esteem, boundaries, knowing who you are and having a good relationship with yourself, and wanting a healthy non enmeshed relationship).

akaWisey Sun 21-Jul-13 20:32:51

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.

Pilgit Sun 21-Jul-13 22:33:55

Always sweat the small stuff. They may only be pants on the floor now, in 5 years they will be a symbol of all the crap in your marriage. Kind of similar to look after t h e pennies and the pounds look after theselves.

scottishmummy Sun 21-Jul-13 22:37:05

Get a career don't be financially dependent upon anyone

Wuldric Sun 21-Jul-13 22:40:55

The person who loves you for yourself will set you free to be yourself

The person who loves you for himself will set down rules and conditions and be angry if you cannot fulfill his idealised dream

Be true to yourself, keep being independent (financially and emotionally) keep laughing. If someone takes the laughs away, they should not be with you

Oh and avoid four things:

1. Men who sulk
2. Men who take pleasure but do not reciprocate
3. Men who try to take control
4. Men who want you to control them.

MyDaydream Sun 21-Jul-13 22:41:04

Life's too short to be with someone you don't like just because you think it's easier than leaving.

Januarymadness Mon 22-Jul-13 09:41:40

First time i have ever recounted an mn thread to my husband. After i explained that op still wasnt invited even if she helped he said "well that woman (bride) is batshit crazy then. And a selfish arse"

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