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Parents don't like DP - what can I do?

(27 Posts)
Azquilith England Mon 15-Jul-13 14:25:44

My parents have never really liked my DP, he is from a different background to mine and earns less, and has a child from a previous relationship - and I think they don't think he's suitable, relations are very cold etc. We now have DD (4 months) and have been going thru a rocky patch - DP is very stressed at work and has been taking it out on me thru being very snappy, difficult to live with. After a bad row at the weekend, I told my mum what was going on -DP and are now trying to work thru problems but now I feel bad for having told my mum, as she's got even more reasons not to like him. DP is also upset that I told my mum but it was such a bad row that I thought we had broken up and I had to get some support. Any advice?

FriskyHenderson Mon 15-Jul-13 14:41:50

Your parents need to accept that they are the Welcoming Party, not the Selection Committee.

Your DP might be a complete nobber but you need to say/think/do something about that; they need to keep schtum and be there to support you in whatever you want to do.

Dressingdown1 Mon 15-Jul-13 14:43:59

So sorry you are having a bad time, it all sounds very sad. Maybe your parents are worried about you and your DD as they could see some of the problems in your relationship with DP, even before you told your Mum about the row over the weekend?

I would try to keep your parents onside while you work things through with DP. If things in your relationship go wrong again you may need your parents' help.

It can be a very tough time when you have a small baby and it puts a lot of stress on you and your relationship.

Without more details, it's hard to give any real advice. Just try to keep the lines of communication open all round.

Hope everything works out for you.

BadLad Mon 15-Jul-13 14:59:01

The likelihood is that you will get caught in the middle, and end up trying to keep everybody happy, managing to keep nobody happy, and taking the flak from both sides.

I speak from experience. I have no advice, but I wish you well.

Nanny0gg England Mon 15-Jul-13 15:14:03

they need to keep schtum and be there to support you in whatever you want to do.

Not easy. Especially now the OP has semi-confirmed what they were thinking.

Is your DP taking on board any of your concerns, OP?

pictish Mon 15-Jul-13 15:16:20

Stress is no reason to be nasty to your spouse, so don't go telling yourself it is.

I'll be honest and say that I wonder if your mother actually has the measure of him.

Sorry - I know it isn't what you want to hear.

Dahlen Mon 15-Jul-13 15:20:54

What's your relationship like with your parents generally?

If you are generally close to them, they know you well and don't have a habit of interfering unnecessarily in your life, I think you should have a long hard think about their reasons for disliking him. They may have a point. I tend to agree with pictish.

If, however, they have a habit of making you feel bad and undermining your autonomy, it's important to make a united stand with your DP against them.

themaltesecat Mon 15-Jul-13 15:25:31

If you ring them moaning about him after every tiff, it comes as little surprise that they don't like him, OP.

He, however, should not be "taking it out" on the mother of his four-month-old baby, though. What do you mean? Surliness? Shouting? Breaking things?

JumpingJackSprat Mon 15-Jul-13 15:25:33

Do they have a point? My mum hated my ex and he turned out to be an abusive bastard. So she was right. i wish she had spoken up sooner about how she felt, i may have seen the light earlier.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 15:28:31

"DP is very stressed at work and has been taking it out on me thru being very snappy, difficult to live with"

Maybe your parents are right not to like him? No amount of stress warrants taking it out on partners and children.

Azquilith England Mon 15-Jul-13 15:31:10

Thanks everyone.

Dressingdown1 and Pictish I think you are right, and my parents had picked up that things weren't great, but the problem is that my DP is always working from a negative perception with them, and all the amazing things about him aren't noticed. So now that I need to work out whether he is being unreasonably they don't have a balanced view. We've been together a couple of years and for the first year my mum completely ignored his presence in my life, never mentioned him at all. They only met for the first time the day I told her I was pregnant....

We've really had it out over the unreasonable behaviour this weekend, he's unreservedly apologised and admitted how unacceptable he's been, we've talked through some coping strategies for him with work and some things to look forward to but I am crossing my fingers a lot. Not prepared to be in a relationship where I'm walking on eggshells - I read another post here about someone dreading the sound of the key in the lock and its getting like that. (Not in any way violent, but nadgy.) even the baby's picked up and he finds it more difficult to settle her now, she must be able to sense his tenseness.

GoshlyoHeavens Mon 15-Jul-13 15:37:18

It is nothing to do with your parents.

My mum hated my husband and he's lovely and has been for many years.

I think only you can work this out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 15:39:47

You can't change their perception of him by hiding the truth. It's a pity they behaved badly towards him to begin with. It was almost certainly a mistake on their part because it probably made you leap to his defence (as you're doing here) rather than assess his behaviour more critically. We've all done it. The guy mum and dad say is a bad 'un is the one that suddenly looks like a great catch and very attractive...

Unreserved apologies are all well and good but, sadly, domestic abuse often starts with the arrival of the first child. If the atmosphere is tense enough for a baby to pick up on, it's pretty bad. So rather than crossing your fingers, make it very clear to him that should he ever speak to you that way again, he packs his bags. As harsh as that... and mean it.

Azquilith England Mon 15-Jul-13 15:41:25

In terms of his behaviour, sometimes belittling me for silly things I've done wrong (not cleaning steriliser, putting wrong wash on, not giving baby infacol), 'why haven't you done this', sometimes snapping (raised voice) if I ask him to do things or I suggest things - last week I got a tirade because I offered to finish off some tiling which I've been waiting for him to do for ages, he saw it as a criticism. Generally snappy and unpredictable but never physical or violent.

themaltesecat that's a good point. It was the first time I've raised anything with them but kind of wish I hadn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 15:45:02

Oh dear.... everything you're describing is classic 'emotional abuse' or 'psychological bullying'. The belittling, the short temper, the criticism, the obsession with petty things, the blaming, the unpredictability, irrational anger .... These are all very bad signs - including, ironically, the unreserved apologies. It's why you have to set that ultimatum because, if you let this kind of behaviour go by making excuses such as 'job stress', the bully will only gain in confidence and your life will be a living misery.

Bonsoir Mon 15-Jul-13 15:47:54

IME it is best never to tell your parents anything bad about your relationship with your DH/DP, unless you are definitely getting divorced. Parental input is invariably useless and puts strain on all your relationships.

pictish Mon 15-Jul-13 15:48:13

Well...I don't like my friend's dp, even though I don't know him from Adam really.

He barks her name as though he were calling a dog, and has that swaggery walk that cocky, entitled arseholes often do.

She gives him away in the stories she tells....things he has been annoyed about, how she can't have anyone in the house during certain weeks because he's on nightshift, how she mentions he is bad tempered and rude to her. How stressed he is, as if that explains it all away.

She says these things in all innocence - just letting off steam about her life.

She doesn't know how I feel, but I have the measure of him.

pictish Mon 15-Jul-13 15:51:57

And wg-hat Cogito said as well.
Sorry OP - O know you didn't come on here looking for an analysis of your relationship...but unfortunately you have unwittingly revealed very good reasons why your parents don't like him.

Fwiw - there are certain men I dislike pretty much on sight. However, I'm not a judgemental person and will always give a person the benefit of the doubt, as there are always exceptions to the rule, and what do I know anyway?

Rarely been proved wrong though.

pictish Mon 15-Jul-13 15:52:39

Maybe your mum is a bit like me in that respect?

Jan45 Mon 15-Jul-13 15:56:50

You'll have to suck it up, you went running when you knew they disliked him so.....now they still dislike him! I'm sure you can live with it, sounds like you have for some time, maybe, one day, they'll have a change of heart but seriously, don't let it dominate your thoughts.

Azquilith England Mon 15-Jul-13 16:11:42

Thanks everyone.

pictish and CogitoErgoSometimes I will make it clear about future expectations. We are usually fab together and i'm certain we'll work through but I'm in the lucky position of being well able to be independent of him if necessary.

Jan45 good point

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:46

She may have to suck up their dislike, but the OP doesn't have to suck up the bad-tempered, criticising, unpredictable rubbish from the partner does she?

GoshlyoHeavens Mon 15-Jul-13 16:16:01

cogito - everything about being alive is a bad sign in my experience.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:16:39

?

Jan45 Mon 15-Jul-13 16:22:13

That's clearly not what the OP thinks of him.

GoshlyoHeavens Mon 15-Jul-13 16:27:39

Sometimes parents are wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:42:51

I don't think anyone's denying that sometimes parents can be wrong. If the thread was 'parents don't like DP' and the OP had gone on to describe some fabulous example of a human being without a nasty bone in his body then we'd all be saying that her parents were batshit crazy and she should go NC and all the rest. But even if you take the parents completely out of the OP's situation, the behaviour she's describing isn't exactly going to win this man any fans.

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