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The memories are so painful...he dosnt get it.

(44 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 00:22:47

Dp & i have been together 14 years. We have 3 dc. Last December i found out i was pregnant. Not planned but we were both happy, especially me.

Went for my 12 wk scan, no heartbeat, baby had been dead for 4 weeks. I was devastated. Totally fell apart. Had an ERPC. Dp didn't come to the hospital. He decided to tidy up after he dropped the dc to school. He never normally does. He eventually turned up at lunch time. I was waiting to be collected. Never in all my life did i feel so lonely. That was a Thursday. He had a long weekend off work. So didn't even take any time off. He went back to work on the Monday. No shopping in. No uniforms organised for dc. House a total tip.

I was so offended & angry at him. My mum & sister were equally useless. Ive actually cut contact with my sister & have very limited contact with my mum. I warned dp he'd be next.

Im pregnant again. Im 12 weeks this week. Im due to have my scan on Tuesday. I get the screening results Wed & depending on results, a CVS is booked for Thursday. Im 40 & its hospital policy but i would want a CVS if the results weren't good.

Dp has been utterly useless. After i gave him the warning after the MMC he dramatically improved. This last week & next week Im incredibly busy with work, dc, school stuff & hospital appointments. Dp mum has long term health problems & has had a relapse. I've spent most of Thursday in hospital with her & this afternoon &evening as she's very unwell but at home now. Dp has never taken on any of the issues around his mum's heath problems. I cared for her for 2 years, 9 months of that she was house bound.

Dp did Fuck all at home today. He literally brought a few bits of washing in off the line. No uniforms washed. Didn't cook. Didn't bath dc. Didn't tidy up. Went to the supermarket but bought doughnuts &ice cream. Yet i can't make the dc packed lunches as i didn't get to do the shopping as i was dealing with his mum.

He's so useless, I can't see it ever getting better. I instruct him like a child. I don't consider him my equal. I don't know if i expect too much. He works but its shifts so hes hardly here but it dosn't actually make much difference if he's here or not.

Im exhausted, worried & angry. I keep remembering how i felt at 12 weeks in the last pregnancy. I realise I've not forgiven dp, Im verging on feeling hate for him. I feel like he's taking the piss out of me & dosnt give a Shit about me or what Im feeling at the moment.

Should i just call it a day? When do you know its a lost cause? How can i make him take responsibility for things like his mum, dc, the house etc?

Thanks for reading...i know its long but i need to get this out as Im so angry right now.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 00:35:13

Sorry to hear about your mmc. I had one a few years ago. We cried lots at the scan but didn't afterwards at all. My DP came and sat with me during the day of the d&c and took me home after. Not sure what we would have done if we had children at home though. He might have stayed with them. I didn't expect my family to do anything though. I was back at work the Monday after (this was the Friday).

I'm not trying to excuse your DH just giving you my story to compare it to.

It sounds like you have lots of chores and drudgery - do you ever do anything fun, either as a couple or family?

Everyone reacts differently to this type of thing and no one way is better than the other.

Good luck with your scan. I hope it goes well.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 00:37:10

Also you say you instruct him and treat him like a child - do you think that helps? It probably doesn't. Try treating him like your equal and maybe he'll start acting like it.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 00:45:56

I did treat him like an adult but he did nothing...literally! If i say could you tidy up, he wouldn't actually know what to do. I suggested when we moved into this house, that i would do the inside & he would do the outside &garden. Nearly 10 years later the gardens never been done. I finished the inside in about 18 months!

I didn't expect my family to do anything but my mum & sister were really nasty when i told them i d
had the MMC. They both said it was for the best & it might have been like my Ds (ASD).

As for dp returning to work the following Monday, it was the fact he left so much for me to do as he didn't pull his weight. I was back at work too but still had to deal with all that he didn't do whilst i was in hospital & recovering from GA.

notanyanymore Mon 15-Jul-13 00:45:56

Op you sound understandably stressed to the hilt right now. I honestly think you need to concentrate on not making any emotional decisions regarding DH at this point. There is so much wrapped up in all this I'm not sure how you can see the wood for the tree's? Take a step back, concentrate on yourself and DC, get through the scan. don't make any hasty decisions on the back of stress/emotional situations or you'll always be looking back.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 15-Jul-13 00:49:07

You do not have to call it a day. It's not over Shelly. I think that you both went through a very hard time when you had the MC. His way of dealing with it was to withdraw when you needed him most and this has caused the rift between you now.sad

I think that couple counseling would help you both by providing a safe space to talk about what happened then and how it is impacting your relationship in the here and now.

I wish you all the best in this pregnancy and your relationship with your DH.

notanyanymore Mon 15-Jul-13 00:50:19

Fucking hell! Sorry, just read what you wrote about your DM's and DSis's reaction to your last MC, I'm speechless.
I imagine you have in no way reconciled yourself with that (how could you?). But try not to allow that to get mixed in with your feelings re DH because he's the one that's still there flowers

justkeeponsmiling Mon 15-Jul-13 00:51:21

Hi There Shelly

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever bring back those precious moments of your hand on your tummy and the joy you felt feeling the life growing inside of you. To have this snatched away when you thought everything was fine is cruel, cruel, cruel. My heart goes out to you, it truly does...

Here is what I think to be true about men... You need to tell them EVERYTHING. They are not like us. They need instructions, not hints. They do NOT anticipate, like us women do. Sorry for being sexist, but for me, it has proven true! They don't mean to abandon us in our moment of need, but I really think they don't know how to help.
My husband once said to me: "I will do anything you say. But please don't expect me to anticipate, or read your mind. Just tell me what you need me to do!" And I truly think he meant it!
You need to say:
I am still heartbroken about our little baby that we lost.
I made all these plans. I imagined him or her in this or that outfit. I thought, how lovely will it be Christmas time. I thought, this is what the birth will be like. For me, a little part of my, of our future has died. I am heartbroken and I need a little time to deal with it. This is what I need you to do:
-Think about what we might need for shopping (what will we eat? what do we need to do a packed lunch? can you do a shopping list? and then buy whatever is on it please?
- Keep our house tidy - do a bit of hoovering, cleaning, washing... whatever you can
- Be there for the kids. Just be nice and have a laugh, cos for a little while, I am finding it hard.
- Please, please, just look after me for a few days. That is what I need the most.
I wish you all the best.
Remember, they can do it, they just need to know how!

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 00:53:34

I agree you sound very stressed - understandably!

Well your mum and sister are mean and of no use so don't worry about them.

Do you need to worry about the garden right now? Really really? You probably don't. Take a breath and focus on what matters and in this heat that means taking it easy, keeping cool and not being stressed. It doesn't matter if the house is messy either. Could you get a cleaner in twice a month? That would ease the burden.

What you are obviously really upset and very angry about is you feeling your DH wasn't there for you when you needed him.

Have you told him? Not shouting, not tacking it onto the end of an argument about cleaning?

I sometimes am angry about things that happened ages ago but I'm just honest about it. "I know this happened ages ago but I'm still really upset about x y and z. It really upset me when x y and z. I just wanted you there with me. Please don't do that again." Chances are your DH will be upset you were sad, comfort you and not do it again.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 00:55:55

Big xpost. GreAt advice from keepon.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 00:57:17

He does this everytime theres a problem so i end up dealing with all the hardest bits by myself.

I asked him to go to relate a few months ago but he won't take the time off work. Really hes totally incapable of communicating about anything that involves feelings or emotions.

Actually the way i feel is so angry i might ask him to go to his mums this week so at least i won't have to deal with him & the dc.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 01:03:40

My DP isn't great at talking about feelings either. But that's just how he is. I talk about them enough for the both of us smile

Seriously though, some people just aren't. It doesn't make them bad people.

Please don't throw him out. It won't change him. He won't come back a different person. It will just cause further breakdown.

Go to your scan together, go out to dinner after and have a nice time without chores/children chat.

Can you remember why you fell in love with him? I akways find it helps to remember when I'm feeling angry or sad with dp.

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:08:57

justkeeponsmiling what a load of old Stepford rubbish.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:11:05

The issue of the garden was to give an example of how he won't take/ can't do anything without clear instructions.

I said to him the week before last that i would need him to be here for me. Im really busy at work. My days start at 530/6am go on til11/12 pm. I asked him to help with dc, washing & general stuff. He's not stupid just lazy.

He could change his shifts but didn't. Hes at home all day. Goes to work in the afternoon & i have dealt with dc every evening for the last week & will do for all of next week. He will do absolute bare minimum in house.

I've got 3 hospital appointments this week. 2 things to attend in the evening at Dd school. Ds finishes school on Tuesday. Youngest Ds is being assessed by Camhs in school on Wednesday. I also need to take mil to the drs. Oh & do my job in between all that, shopping, cooking,swimming lessons, karate lessons& clean the house...

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:12:58

just keeponsmiling im sorry you have both had losses That is heartbreaking. But having to instruct a man like a child Doesnt that get wearing.
We seem to be going backwards because my DH is 63 and ive never had to instruct him like that. He does tiny little bits that he can manage but he has disabilities and fucked up lungs.
So if he can do it without being asked......

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:14:14

I have to go back to work after the scan outing.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:17:14

Thats my point darkesteyes. I get knackered& drained sayin every little thing. Hes a man not a kid! I don't think its about age, more laziness & respect.

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:17:23

Shelly he is taking advantage of you. If i were you i would stop all his washing cooking and cleaning and tell him to deal with his own mother. And he should be cleaning the house too.
And please please dont use the phrase "helping out" when referring to a DHs cleaning etc Because that implies that both you/he see it as womans work.
And thats why he wont do it Shelly. Because he sees it as womans work and beneath him Because he sees women as beneath him. Lazy entitled arse.

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:21:37

Exactly its wearing I once dated a man (ive mentioned him on here before Long story) who said to me that he loved being nagged "Nag me i love it"
I quickly told him i would find that very wearing and tiring and i would lose respect for him. He never mentioned it again but i still saw it as a red flag.
Sorry Shelly but the way your DH is treating you makes me fucking RAGE.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:22:53

Sorry on phone but no outing i can't remember why the hell i fell in love with him!

Hes changed so much its not really relevant.

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:25:38

Remembering why you fell in love with him is hardly relevant with whats happening here. How about he remembers why he fell in love with the mother of his children and show her some damn respect.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:27:53

Ive just picked all his crap up from living room &banned it! Including the £120 i bought him.

He would leave his mum to rot, long story but he had a horrible childhood.

I don't know if he sees cleaning up as women's work but he dosnt think its important. We have very different standards. He would lay in a stinking bed, wouldn't bother him. Our house would be a hovel if it was left to him. The dc would look like tramps.

Darkesteyes Mon 15-Jul-13 01:30:06

Shelly hes GOT to buck his fucking ideas up What the hell would happen to the DC if (God forbid) you got ill or something happened. (touches wooden coffee table)

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:39:43

If & when i have got ill, i just carry on. Take few nurofen &get on with it. If i die the dc will probably end up in care- seriously!

Im a bit of a health free& even given up smoking as this is a very real worry for me.

The school have asked me if Im a single parent as dp never goes to the school. Hes not even on the list for contacts in case of an emergency as hes normally miles away from dc school.

Angelina7 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:40:41

I would get very angry & upset with him to his face, tell him all the reasons why you are angry & upset, tell him he wasn't there for you when you needed him & he still isn't & he doesn't have to be there for you, but if he makes the decision to continue to not be then you won't be there for him, his mum etc either and your relationship could possibly come to an end because you feel alone anyway.

I don't think you need to treat him like a child but you do need to let him see your emotions clearly and explain why clearly.

Wish u all the best and take time for yourself, it's an important time for you and your newest lil 1 xx

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 01:52:03

I have explained to dp very clearly why i get so upset with him. I've done this calmly, crying & even screaming at him. He either ignores me or says, tell me what to do. I tell him what to do& he dosnt do it!!!

I warned him after the MMC that i was so strong because he was so utterly Shit at supporting me, that i no longer feared being on my own.

The house is mine. I work, i do everything. & i would bleed him dry for maintenance. I have a exh so been there & done that!

What Im realising now is that once again dp has let me down. So i either do what i said i would or put up & shut up. Im deeply hurt by him but i should be used of it as this is what hes always done. He's never supported me when i really needed it. Through pregnancies, births, PND, Ds being diagnosed with ASD. Younger Ds now being assessed as well. The MMC... Im talking about life events that i experienced by myself instead of with my dp.

oracleselfservice Mon 15-Jul-13 04:59:37

It seems all you want to do is vent about how awful he is. That's fine - its one of the reasons this forum exists. But it won't actually help.

You're clearly overwhelmed with life issues so your first step should be to focus on YOU and how to take some of the pressure off.

I can imagine with all that seething resentment inside you and how stressed and overloaded you are you must seem like an utter cow to live with. Having you in this state can't be good for your kids.

Yes ideally your DP ought to be the one to take some of the load but if he won't then you need to find other solutions.

Have you investigated what care your MIL is entitled to? Does she receive help from the state? My grandmother was taken care of almost completely by carers / district nurses / meals on wheels / got free transport to hospital / lived in sheltered housing. All we did was visit. I wonder why you are having to do so much for her?

Can you afford a cleaner occasionally? How old are your children? Do you have a fixed routine with them? That helps hugely in structuring your day and keeping everything under control. Is the oldest of an age to be given household tasks?

What else can you do to manage your stress?

Your partner is clearly not going to be helpful with this so you need to stop expecting that. Whether you stay with him or kick him out is irrelevant really - he sounds as useless there as not there. Your main problem is your work load. Fix that and the issues with your partner will likely fix themselves (hopefully because he becomes superfluous).

Having said all that it amazes me that you thought it a good idea to have a FOURTH child...at 40...with an ASD child already...really?

Butterflywgs Mon 15-Jul-13 05:26:48

No. Sorry Shelly, but DP is an arsehole. I agree entirely with Darkesteyes.
Men can't mind-read, but I get very angry about the 'treat him like a child' thing. A grown adult should not need to be told to on occasion run a Hoover round their own house, put a wash on, etc. I don't care what hours he works, he does not get to do nothing around the home. Adults contribute to the maintenance of their home.
Equally, a grown adult does not need to be told that their partner might be a tad upset that she had a mc.

Fairylea Mon 15-Jul-13 06:09:39

You say the first baby wasn't planned... was this one? I'm wondering if he's feeling resentful as he didn't and doesn't really want another child. Are you both using contraception? (Or were you)...

That doesn't excuse any of his behaviour and generally being an arse but I do wonder if that's where it's all really coming from.

outingmyselfprobably Mon 15-Jul-13 07:37:21

Sorry if my advice was shit.

You're clearly not going to change anything you're doing. DP won't. You should though - a fourth child is going to tip you over the edge if you don't.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 09:38:47

Thankyou for the replies. The first baby wasn't planned. I had a coil but suddenly last September started to have very heavy bleeding. Coil was removed in November. Started the pill to control the bleeding. Found out i was pregnant in December. I was shocked as i had never considered another child but was strangely happy, Thats partly why i reacted so badly to losing the baby.

I had the MMC in February. In April i went to my GP as my periods hadn't returned 10 after MMC. He did blood tests & i was diagnosed as having an underactive thyroid. My GP said it would take a few months of medication for my periods to return as the underactive thyroid had stopped me ovulating. I wasn't concerned as i wanted a coil if possible & due to work etc we only dtd twice, used condoms both times.

As my thyroid levels weren't stable, i presumed i would lose this pregnancy as well. I will find out tomorrow.

I appreciate most people would consider a dc with ASD a difficult situation but in the main Ds is great. Most of his difficulties are at school. I recieve 6 hours a week restpite from ss. My decision not to have any more Ds was a career choice. Ds needs were not a factor.

Mil wasn't entitled to any help when she initially became ill. SS offered to send a carer in twice a day for my£140 per wk. She's a widow, not very well off but not poor enough for pension credits. We set up a cleaner, on line shopping, a volunteer from her church useful to visit, that sort of thing. She will be going into hospital this or next week so once i know when Shes coming home i can organise things for her.

Someone asked about routine, we have a very strict routine due to Ds ASD. All dc have jobs, even the 5 yr old!

Im venting as i am so frustrated at the moment. I will finish up the majority of my work load by the end of this week, as Ds gets summer holidays tomorrow. I work in education so over the summer i do only a few hours aday, mainly from home.

Its fact i can't make dp see he should do more. Due to his hours, yesterday was the only day in 16 days he was at home when the dc & i were. I don't demand much of him normally as his job is pretty stressful, mad hours & i know i couldn't do it. Its just occassionly i need a bit of support.

LittleFrieda Mon 15-Jul-13 09:54:14

Might your DH be on the spectrum?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 10:08:31

Oh I've thought about that, for a time i considered he might be but actually i think his behaviour or how he reacts to situations that are difficult or complex is due to his childhood. I work with children & young adults with ASD so Im very familiar with the traits/ behaviours/etc.

Dp had an awful childhood. His mother was an alcoholic. She stopped drinking 10 years ago. His father was & still is a religious fanatic. Dp parents were violent to each other & dp witnessed things from the age of 5-11 no child should see. Eventually after 6 years of fighting, his mother got his father out of the house.

My father has Aspergers without a doubt but never diagnosed. Dp isn't offensive. He blends into the back ground whereas we revolved around my father as a family. My father speaks as he sees it so is incredibly rude at times. Dp isn't rude or shouty, he withdraws into himself wherever he's stressed or upset.

LittleFrieda Mon 15-Jul-13 10:30:25

Shellywelly - apart from having low standards for housework grin and being a bit of a tit about anticipating your needs, your DH sounds nice. We all have different ways of dealing with sadness. Is there any way you could afford a cleaner during the summer holidays, to help your family keep on top of the housework?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

TheWysticManker Mon 15-Jul-13 10:37:31

Why on earth did you get pregnant again if you feel like this about a) your husband and b) your life ?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 11:28:25

WysticManker...read the thread!

Handywoman Mon 15-Jul-13 12:15:05

In answer to the advice about making your life less overwhelming I suggest booting the OP's partner out. In one fell swoop that would get rid of one child and a whole swathe of (understandable) resentment.

It worked wonders for me!

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 18:26:46

Love it Handywomen! I've two grown up dc i& remember the freedom of the weekends they went to their dads...

Very tempting indeed. I think i need to get through the next week or two and then seriously think about what i want out of life...

ageofgrandillusion Mon 15-Jul-13 20:50:54

He sounds thoroughly pointless OP, he really does. But then you chose to have another child with this useless fuck-wit with full knowledge of his utter uselessness, so maybe he cant be that bad then. Can he? Or am i missing something?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:25:59

Read the bloody thread!!!

I'd hold off making any big decisions as you are bound to be over anxious over the baby and the stress of it all.
I too went for scan at 16 weeks and my baby had died at 12 weeks , the sadness I felt was horrific.
my pregnancy after my mmc was so stressful and my husband and I nearly split up due to the stress.

Anyway my daughter is nearly 3 now and we also have another newborn daughter , things did get better even though we had those dark times.
Talk to him and ask him for more help.

CailinDana Mon 15-Jul-13 22:12:13

Shelly i think some people are being very rude and unfair to you. You absolutely do not have to justify your pregnancy to anyone. Congratulations on that and fingers crossed all will be well at the scan.
You sound like a hugely capable woman who has dealt really well with a mountain of stress. I'm guessing the mc shocked you into looking at your life more clearly and made you realise you are putting up with far more shit than you should be. Your dp sounds like a nice person who has no idea how to function in a relationship. While you've compromised and changed and stretched yourself he's just suied himself and doesn't see a problem with that. He might not care about cleaning but he should see that he needs to do it because he cares about you and it is important to you.

CailinDana Mon 15-Jul-13 22:13:18

suited himself

CailinDana Mon 15-Jul-13 22:17:16

It sounds to me like you've tried everything but your message just isn't getting through. I agree with others that right now isn't a good time to make a decision about this but i don't think things are going to get much better. You want your dp to change quite fundamentally and that is unlikely to happen.

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