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Husband taken by aliens(100 Posts)
Hi, never posted on here but up in the night again.
My husband and I have been together 10 years, got a 7 yo son and got married in November last year. I was his 1st girlfriend and our son was unplanned but he's amazing dad and I thought we were the perfect family and had everything.
To start from the start, last year I wanted to get married and he agreed. It was more my thing but he seemed quite happy looking at venues, choosing rings etc. The 2 weeks before the wedding he was unbearably short tempered and mean to the point I considered calling it off. He would not explain what was wrong. I decided to put it down to pre wedding nerves and ignored it as best I could. We had a fabulous wedding in Nov 2012 had 3 days honeymoon where we got on great. Xmas was fine, went skiing in Feb had great time. March fine. April fine. I mentioned to him at the start of May that I was feeling that we weren't spending much time together but he said he was quite happy pursuing his own interests and didn't want to stay home watching s##t TV with me. (Not that I had suggested this). I was hurt, cried and sulked for a few days but it blew over. It was about this time he stopped wearing his wedding ring and stopped wanting sex. he seemed to be struggling to maintain stiffness so i decided not to pressure him about it. We went for a long weekend away with our son which was slightly strained but we agreed we all had a good time.
Everything was ok-ish until 3 weeks ago. We were both pursuing our own interests (he's a mans man and plays a lot of sport) but not spending proper time together but I thought I would leave him be. One day I said To him "what are you doing this week" and he said he was busy 5 days out of the next 7. I said "don't you think that's a lot" (I'd like a chance to go out at some point!) and he just said "we're married now, what do you expect?". He's very difficult to talk to, when confronted usually picks up a newspaper, puts subtitles on tv and ignores you, picks up phone etc. over the last 3 weeks we got in a bad situation where every time I tried to speak to him he would refuse to engage but throw out some comment like "I never wanted to get married" "just don't love you" " you're so hard-work/intense" "my feelings have changed". So things were strained but I thought they'd settle down.
He sent an email to me at work asking if I wanted him to leave to which I said no. I kept trying to get him to talk to me but got no-where. About 2 weeks ago he was awake when I got into bed and he instigated sex. The way he kissed me was different than normal, it was passionate but didnt feel intimate. Sex was good but after orgasm I unexpectedly burst into tears through release of emotion. We finished off the job(!) me trying not to cry then he went to sleep and I went downstairs ( upset and not sleepy). The next day he said "you enjoyed sex last night didn't you?" He was like a little kid wanting a pat on the back for maintaining an erection. I said "yes but it did feel like you were using me" he said " you're such hard work" and stormed off! He wasn't interested in why I cried.
Since then we carried on in the same vein, me questioning him, him pushing me away. On Sunday I had had enough and suggested he went to a hotel for 2 nights for space and worked out what he wants. I was clear it was just for space , still loved him and hoped he would come back. He came back but said he still wanted to split.
I had a sort on mini breakdown at this point because all the time this had been going on I couldn't really believe it was happening (we'd been so happy 6 months ago). I'd not slept properly in 2weeks and my weight dropped below 7 stone. I felt i was going insane trying to figure it out. This week on Thursday I checked his phone and found a flirty email where he was inviting a work colleague to a dinner he was supposed to be taking me to, inviting her to "get changed in my room :;". I didn't look at anything else but totally lost it, repeatedly punching him. He didnt retaliate (he's double my weight). He wouldn't tell me what was going on, just begged to be allowed to go to sleep. He said he didnt fancy me anymore. In the end I fell asleep on sofa after large drink. Next day I tried to find out what was going on and it seems they've been having a flirty friendship, drinks after work, lunches etc but I don't seriously believe anything more (but don't know for sure). He went out for a drink with her on Thursday night (work thing), but on Friday he said he'd told her not to come to the dinner (don't know why).
On Friday night while he was out I decided current tactics weren't working and would try just acting normal and telling him he wasn't allowed to just walk away and he had to put some effort in at least until we get back from holiday (go away this week). So everything is friendly but he won't let me touch him, he won't look at me and he's acting like the injured party, probably because I told his mum we weren't getting on and for hitting him. He's insisting on sleeping in spare room "too hot". I suppose I will have to be very strong and brave faced and brazen it out. There might be a chance on holiday to straighten things out but he's never not wanted sex before. He starts new job on 1 sept so I don't have to worry what he's up to with this work friend.
After analysing and tearing myself apart over last 3 weeks I can only conclude that I haven't been paying him enough attention and he's been enjoying someone else giving it instead. I don't know where to go now. I've always kept myself slim and attractive, nice clothes, make-up so I haven't let myself go! If he just doesn't fancy me there's nothing I can do to change it. I need to somehow turn off this mental torture but I wake in the night and puzzle and puzzle trying to work out what to do. I still love him and just want us to go back to being a family. Please help!
I think he just doesn't love you any more, and with the abuse in the relationship I think you'd both be better off apart.
I am sorry but you can't make someone love you and it looks like the only option is to split.
It is hard but there is absolutely no point in begging, trying to be the perfect wife etc. Keep your dignity and ask him to move out.
The other thing is, I don't know whether to say this, but the things he was saying and doing in May are part of a classic affair script.
When people tell you what they are/feel, listen to them.
Sadly, I think this is gone. And I think he couldn't make it more clear, except by walking out on you.
You are losing control (punching him) and suffering.
You cannot make him love you.
So, get your life and self respect back and do tell him to leave.
He emotionally checked out of the rerelationship a while ago. I think the only option you bave is to seperate.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
It sounds to me as if work girl hasn't be the first, and perhaps he's been seeing another woman. You need to ask him if he wants this holiday, or if he'd prefer to go it alone from this point. Would he agree to couples counselling?
Have you apologised for repeatedly punching him? It does sound like he has emotionally detached from you and just wants it to be over regardless of whether he has had an affair or not.
Would you stay with him if it was him doing the punching?
Reading your title again, it feels like you are excusing him.
However, he's telling you in every way he can that he doesn't want to be with you.
He's just gutless to actually leave.
(or he's playing up to make you fall in line with taking care of his child, himself and shut up with demands)
Either way, stop trying to fix the unfixable.
He is responsible for what he's doing (it's not aliens or another woman).
Thanks all for your advice. You're probably right it's over. It seems wrong just to give up after such a short time of marriage. He says he does want to come on the holiday. I apologised profusely about hitting ( i am only 5' and 7 st and he is 6ft and 13 st but i know its still not acceptable). We had a short and reasonable chat this morning where I said I had listened to what he said but wasn't going to just let him leave without trying. I said i knew i couldn't hold on to him forever if he wanted to go but we have to try and sort things for our sons sake. I asked him if he had ever cheated and he said no. I suggested we went to see his family on getting back from hols and he agreed. He is very emotionally immature and has always refused to talk about our problems. I feel ready to let him leave after the holiday if that's what he wants. I've had an estate agent round to see the house and I know me and DS will be ok because I have a very flexible managerial job which pays well. I am optimistic that I will meet someone who can love me as I deserve if we split because I am still young and ok looking (if I say so myself!). Thanks for honesty even though its not what I wanted to hear! X
You can't make him love him. You've tried being good, you've tried being sexy and you've tried being violent. You can't make him love you. This reads like a very unhealthy relationship and one of you needs to make the difficult decisions sooner rather than later.
I think you're in for a grim holiday. Unless you're going to the States where there is a chance he'll be abducted by aliens.......
It may be a short marriage but you've been together 10 years.... that's more than a lot of people stay together. Sadly 'not letting him leave without trying' is just the equivalent of grabbing hold of his ankles as he's trying to get out of the door.... it's demeaning. So let him go, take control and retain your self-respect. You can work something out for your DS's sake but it'll be co-parenting from two locations rather than one.
Sorry you've had such a nasty shock.
He's checked out and he's having an affair. That will be the bear bones of the problem. Probably nothing you've done. So sorry. You will get lots of advice on here. Good luck.
He says he doesn't know what he wants. He gave me a hug this morning and said he was making baby steps to sort things. He always throws out random comments in rows then later says he didn't mean it. So ive trained myself not to listen! He hasn't told anyone, except I saw a text to his (male) friend where he said "we're having problems but nothings decided". i phoned said friend for advice (best man at our wedding) and he said "he definitely does love you and you know he would argue black is white"
I think I will keep things friendly until return from hols then just say "go then if you're going". I do want to be amicable with him for ds sake. I think he's too cowardly to just go by himself and wants me to chuck him out. Because he's so difficult to talk to I am going to arrange mediation for when we get back so we can discuss how to arrange things when we split (contact/ financial etc).
We're supposed to be having a family day when he gets back from golf (his idea) apart from sport and work he doesn't really do much else (doesn't have many friends near where we live because he moved to where I was when we met - entirely his idea)
Doesn't help that I'm stubborn too - if someone tells me I can't have something it usually makes me determined to get it. Not good in this situation!
Doesn't help that I'm stubborn too - if someone tells me I can't have something it usually makes me determined to get it. Not good in this situation!
No, definitely not good.
Not for you, your husband or even your child. I'm sure he's picking up on all the bad vibes.
'Doesn't know what he wants' IME either means 'doesn't know who he wants' i.e he's got alternatives he's weighing up ... and 'I do know what I want but I'm too cowardly to tell you' Either way, it invariably means there's someone else in the picture and you're just expected to sit there being friendly and carrying on as if nothing has happened, waiting for this knob of a man to decide if you're worth still being married to or not..... If you let him be in control of your destiny like that, what's left of your self-esteem will be all over the carpet.
There's something unusual about the way you describe him and your relationship, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Could you wilfully be not seeing the true situation? You appear quite critical of him, whilst describing unacceptable behaviour of your own.
He's a coward and wants me to chuck him out. He adores his son and will find it hard. I don't think he's had an affair because he never hides his phone, I always know where he is, always answers when I phone etc. I think he has just fallen out of love with me. He can go but he has to sort it. He will try and blame it on me if I chuck him out so going to play it cool. I'm not going to start finding him somewhere to go. If he wants to go he will and I will wish him good luck.
You can give him a deadline to decide.
And distance yourself in the meantime.
Vivacia - you are right that's why I can't understand it. Yes my behaviour this week was unacceptable but unusual. I normally squash a full time professional job into part time hours, do everything at home (apart from have cleaner, but washing cooking etc) do school runs, organise sons life and ours, book all holidays. He works hard in his professional job and plays golf. He went to a boys school and doesn't understand women. Every time we watch 'girls' I would chuckle and he would go ' I just don't understand this show'. I'm a bit alpha female and probably too strong for him. I'm normally pretty calm and laid back but was driven insane by lack of sleep, emotional connection and not eating this week.
He is having an affair but wants you to end the relationship so it's not viewed as his fault.
Sorry but I think that basically it.
Bags packed by the front door would be my advice.
So he's a coward.... so what? Isn't playing it cool just you being equally cowardly? Is it really so important to you that he leaves of his own volition - i.e get dumped - rather than you assert yourself and end this charade?
Yes I'm being a coward. Marriage means to me making a commitment and working through problems not bail at the 1st sight of trouble. I envisage that if nothing changes over the next few weeks I will put house on market. I do love him, this is out of the blue and I owe it to myself and my son to at least try and resolve it. If I chuck him out now I will never know if it could have been sorted. If he leaves and then changes his mind I won't take him back because I never want to go through this again.
Sorry but I think your clinging on to something that doesn't exsist any more. By making him stay your not making anything better. If he doesn't love you then going on holiday isn't going to fix that and IMO will make it worse
Posted to soon...
It's a horrible situation and I feel for you but I think you need to try and accept that there's nothing you can do
Would you consider counselling? Relate can support couples who are separating as much as they can help those who want to stay together.
Ok, you were all right. Dirty git is shagging someone from work. She sounds like a right cow! Showed him the door but he didn't go. Offered to pack his bags. She's got 2 little kids and slept with my husband either side of her wedding and phoned my husband on her wedding night. No idea why he's not gone. I've put champagne in fridge as so happy there's a logical explanation and I'm not nuts! Haven't thrown him out cos that's what he wants just got utter contempt for him. Thanks for your words it was the truth even though no one who knows us can believe it. Peace to all x
Wow Littlet, you've had a heck of a day. Are you sure you're feeling ok?
And if you've not thrown him, what are the arrangements for tonight??
Not throwing him out isn't a way to get peace for all.... Why torture yourself a minute more than you have to?
I think it's because she doesn't want to let him play the martyr Cogito, although who would see him as a victim in this, I really don't know.
I am glad that you found out the truth, as it was obvious from your posts that he was seeing somebody else, as they always start to criticize the wife and tell them that they don't love them any more, because they have feelings for somebody else.
No you are not going crazy, but your husband has cheated on you. You really need to decide what you want to do next, but obviously you have had a huge shock.
Just caught up with your thread OP, really sorry to hear what you're going through. How on earth did you find all this out...?
His behaviour did sound to me like classic OW stuff, but I always hope that its not.
Hope you're ok and that the champagne is nicely chilled
I think I would kick him out. Otherwise you're just playing mind games.
Hope you are alright. How did you find out?
He took our son swimming and I went through our iPad. Found this weird picture of a smashed up kitchen. Then logged onto Skype and saw their sad conversation "want you etc" . Turns out she chucked out her husband and he smashed up house and her. I phoned him and just said "right, I know, just come home and be honest you owe me that". So he did. Told me everything. Sad git thinks he loves her after 5 shags. Pointed out what a shit life he's going to have bringing up 2 kids not his and my life will be ok. Offered to help him pack, told him to go if that's what he wants. He said he was torn between me,her and being on own. We had the most communicative chat ever. He said I'd taken away his masculinity and she let him be a man. I said, ok you're right, I am too controlling, be a man then, go if you want i'll help you. But didnt go. So we drank the champagne I said ok I know what you did, know why you did it lets go to bed. Had great sex. He's asleep now. He still wants to go on holiday. I said well you're right we are incompatible should split, enjoy time left etc. do hols come back I'll help you move out. Welcome to my fucked up, have to be in control life. Enjoyed the sex though. Mumsnet feminists let rip!...
Yeah I know, not healthy. Better move on etc. He is a silly git but very inexperienced and immature. He answered every question I had. He's just a lost little boy. Obv there's no future in it now.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Why don't you let him wake up to the sight of his packed bags?
(I hope you used contraception, better a condom, who knows what he picked up from her)
Yeah I know. Will have my dream hol then sort my life when I get back. He can come on hols, have time with son while I laze around, give me sex when I want it, then he can move out when we get back. Evil controlling bitch I know but alternative is take son on own and do everything myself. At least I know what he's up to. Yes, I know I'm totally controlling.
No, she's on pill apparently they didn't use anything, I need to get to clinic ASAP. Ranted at him about this already cos we had sex before I knew.
You don't seem happy about your plan.
you rock, in a weird fucked up way that I can relate to..................
If I say don't come on holiday then I'll end up whole holiday wondering what he's up to and what I'll come back to and whether they've been in my house etc. I'll help him move when we get back. Yes I know I've got issues I'll see a councillor when dust settles.
How bloody dare he blame you! What a crock of shit that you emasculated him and this somehow forced him to put his dick in another woman. He could at least own up to his own fuck up.
Throw the cunt out and stop listening to his self pitying drivel. He has watched you fall apart and have a near breakdown of his lies, emotional abuse and monstrous selfishness.
Get him out - don't let him think about what he wants. What do you want? Do you really want to be with this douche bag?
oh yeah, sti check, make him go pre hol.
Could your mum/sister/friend go on holiday with you instead? Why the hell should he get a nice holiday?
Feel happiest I've felt I quite a while. If I chucked him out tonight, he'd be straight round there, they'd be drinking wine, having sex, "oh poor us etc". I opened the door and offered to help him pack several times. He didnt go. It gives me sick satisfaction he was home having great sex with me.
I want to have my lovely holiday,knowing where he is, free childcare, sex if I want it, new life for me starts on return. Yes I know I'm sick.
No you are not sick.
I get it - "I might not want him but you are not having either"
Very good revenge. Not sure I could do it or pull it off but you do sound very strong.
I suggest on Monday you see a divorce lawyer and get all your ducks in a row before you go on holiday.
Why would it be easier to let him go after the holiday?
You say if you kick him out now then he'll be round there drinking wine, why will you be happy with that then, if you're not now?
Is it really wise to go on holiday together?
Wouldn't a total break from this creep be better?
Get your house keys off him so he can't shag his piece in your home. She sounds like a really classy lady. Just like your ex. It's really not going to be roses for them but you sound very strong.
I've decided it's over. But I am complete control freak. Can't bear the thought of them in our house while I'm away. I don't think for a second he'd be happier with her. I've done everything I can to make him happy, If they think if they can be happy then let them get on with it. He told me her husband did all childcare, washing cleaning etc while he never lifted a finger in our house. Let them resolve that one! He admitted it was all very Jeremy Kyle and be was ashamed. I said hows it going to look to our son if you leave him and move in with these 2 kids and only see our son (who he adores) every 2 weeks and he looked visibly shocked. I don't think he's thought it through at all. He admitted shes got a hard side and I said I didn't want her near our son. He said he loves her though! I dont think he does.
Christonabike, you never did like him much, really, in the first place did you. You talk about him so disparagingly. Yes he's been a total arse. But I'm afraid of you and i don't even know you. You want him to come on holiday with you to fuck you and look after your son?? nice role model as a mother you are.
Maybe but give me a break! 3 weeks of mental torture them find out this! I do love him and and going to find it very hard to let go. I've already acknowledged I'm fucked up. Her wedding video of 5 weeks ago is on Internet, just seen it. Would youth want your son with this woman?
You are hysterically angry. I don't blame you and kinda in awe of your fury. But I think you would look back and regret the holiday. I went on one that was part of our last efforts to salvage things. It was excruciating and I felt trapped with all this head space and head spinning, while stuck in his ever present company as I tried to unravel it all. It was a mistake.
Let them rot with each other while you are away. It's over.
little - things are too raw and heated to be rational with each other right now.
i would suggest couples counselling.
relate. pronto. This will help you decide in your mind what you want. For my friend who went it helped her decide she wanted to split.
for me it sealed our relationship and we are here 22 years down the line, still happy, still together.
you are hurt. Its hard to discuss anything while you are hurt, and thats why a third party in the room is helpful.
You have been together a long time and have a child. I would take a step back, go to relate, really examine what it is you would both like and where it went wrong and why - and see if you can put things right or whether its right to call it a day.
Well you may have to accept that your son will visit this woman? You don't sound like you properly love your husband. Three weeks is nothing.
May I just add however that, if you really want to screw him over you need to play a longer and more intelligent game. Start with cutting him off at the knees. Lose him and go no contact. Instruct a solicitor. No holidays ( in the guise of being a strong woman who can take it - I kindly suggest you are probably nothing of the sort).
Cut your losses. Tell him how much maintenance you require (CSA would say 20% of his salary as a starting point) and that you want fuck all to do with any of his family either,.
So what if they are drinking wine happily and fucking whilst you are sunning yourself abroad?
They deserve eachother.
Stop playing mind games and trying to 'be in control' You are not in control. Your 'husband' does what he wants with who he wants. Don't let him 'have his cake and eat it too'
You'll only screw yourself up further - Your husband doesnt care about you.
Gosh. I'm guessing the harsh judgey posters are lucky enough never to have experienced similar.
vicar speaks sense op. read her post through carefully.
I have been betrayed badly but somehow I managed to stick my nose in the air, kick him out and remain dignified.
10 yrs later I'm so glad that I didn't show them how they'd broken me.
I secretly wished bad shit on them and was the angriest I've ever been.
We had a holiday booked too. I changed his name and took my sister instead.
Give him up sweetie, don't waste another second of your life on him.
Let them be together, it's unlikely to be happy for long with his emotional state and two step kids.
It will hurt but not as much as its been hurting already I promise.
Dug deep today and find the fabulous strong woman inside you and concentrate on making this easy for your son.
bbq it's not her son it's their son and she's going to be looking after him for the foreseeable so why shouldn't he help with him??
You don't always act rationally when upset and angry.
He sounds like an arsehole tbh op. Do you really want to be with an arsehole?
What gets me the most is that he was happy to screw around with ow and still have sex with you. What a looser he is. I would cut your losses and tell ow she is welcome to him.
I just do not get why people bother getting married if they cannot relaitically stick to the promise 'til death do us part.' I would like to rephrase the vows to 'Lets stay together until some pretty man/woman at work turns my head.' Uggggrrr. Sorry for rant op but am angry on your behalf.
"Had great sex."
It's known as 'hysterical bonding' and it's a really common reaction to the threat of your relationship ending. Done it myself in fact. When you blame yourself (as you did originally) for the problem, there's a twisted logic says that if you can be the best one in bed, he'll choose you over her.
Trouble is that it's not only demeaning but also very bad for your self-esteem because you've still 'lost'. Right now I think you're rather confused, panicking and thrashing around for an answer. The holiday sounds like a terrible idea but maybe it'll give you time to collect your thoughts and work out what to do next. I know the holiday I and my exH took shortly after his infidelity was revealed was the end of the road for us.
I was going to post 'he's fucking someone' but you found out yourself.
Classic affair behaviour.
Little, you are spinning at the moment. There is a LOT of pain involved in affairs, and you are overwhelmed by yours at the moment. This stuff hurts!
Ask him to leave, and spend time on focussing on how YOU think and feel, and not on what he is doing. Have you got time in your busy day for counselling?
There is a huge need for you to learn this: this has all been sent to you for this very reason.
please dont let the coward have his cake and eat it! Your not in control your just naturally using instinct to save something you love! But in time you will realise the way he has treated mum of his ds.
It's dead in the water, he has no respect for you! Find that respect for yourself and boot him out.
Get to STD clinic asap and get yourself checked.
So he now says he loves her but doesn't want to be with her, he wants everything to go back to how it was before. Wishes he could turn back clock etc. It's only our 7 yo son that's stopping me putting bags outside, believe me. Just chilling tonight and enjoying not thinking about it. i think i might have ended in hospital if had gone on any longer. Going to spend the next few days putting myself back together, eating, getting some sleep, beauticians tomorrow for pampering (even more time sneaking out of work). Been to solicitors today.
Yes I will get a better share than I thought so that's another point on the "kick him out" pros list. I just wanted to check I was doing everything I should beI feel very ignorant of the law in this situation. She said don't move out.
Op, I don't know how to say this tactfully but you seem very preoccupied with appearances and the physical side of your relationship. You've mentioned your own appearance several times, you've mentioned his a bit, you are naturally really upset by his physical intimacy with someone else but you react in kind... Really it doesn't seem very healthy. Please try and set aside concerns about whether or not you're attractive enough or good enough in bed. Do you enjoy his company? Does he enjoy yours? Do you like him? Do you think you could learn to like him again in time if not?
I know these are all hard questions ... I think a holiday without him would do you a world of good.
Seems like reality has hit him.
So he's even more of a cowardly toad who can't take responsibility for his actions.
Apart from anything else, surely this is not attractive to you?
Think your ds will not thank you for staying with his father and teaching him how to treat women like dog dirt.
I'd suggest you go to relate and ask them to help you split up in order to do the best by your child. All this bollocks can't be good for your DC.
Well we're on holiday in paradise he says he wants to be with me, not her. I'm rebuilding myself, prepared for a split. I was never so low as the day I posted on here. I will be ok either way. X
of course he wants to be with you-while you are on an brilliant holiday and the "real" world is far away he has got caught up in the moment. I think as soon as his feet touch home ground reality will kick in an he will be off quicker than shit if a shovel..And he is shit !!!
I hope l am wrong tho!
So you've won your 'prize' of a man.
Well, it's quite easy in paradise I guess.
Have a great holiday.
I don't suppose you'll ever be able to forget what this toad of a man you're with is capable of.
This thread horrifies me.
I'm with you toad
So he now says he loves her but doesn't want to be with her
So only a little while ago he was telling you he loves another woman and you let him go on holiday with you.
Wow - just wow!
Yep, he sounds like the perfect man!!!!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OMG I don't understand, how can you even be in the same room as him after what he has done and now he's in paradise sunning himself. It's not great sex I can assure you, it's desperate, please don't leave me sex, he must be loving it, as for your self esteem, grab it back, don't let him demean you anymore, get strong, you're well rid, they will never last as a couple meeting under those kind of circumstances. Do the right thing for you and your son and move on without him, you'll never get a normal relationship with him, as soon as I started reading your post I realised he was shagging some OW.
I hope this is just knee jerk reactions you are having cos if not, then you seriously need counselling esp on your self worth and self esteem.
This thread is utterly horrifying. Another one who thinks you are trying to behave in a way that you think is strength, kid yourself etc
Please, I urge you to think about your poor son. It isn't splitting up that will harm him the most it is a relationship of the kind you have with your husband and the way you are each dealing with the split/problems.
This is just a relationship with one man.
There are plenty of other men you could be with.
Nobody is worth this.
There is abuse in your relationship. This means it must end.
I can't believe no-one has even mentioned the time he shagged you, knowing you were crying, probably knowing that was as a result of his cold treatment of you. This cold treatment being a punishment for you not being obedient/meek/deferential enough. The affair being the same.
He is a horrible man.
He is not some prize.
Too much abuse has happened and you cannot save the relationship.
It makes it seem as though he is sexually aroused by demeaning you, without it he can't get it up... Scary...
I would not go to counselling or anywhere else with this horrible man.
Also, it is not about being thin, good looking, sexy or wearing nice clothes. Those things, and the controlling behaviour you believe you exhibit are often a sign of the emotional insecurity created within an abusive relationship.
Thanks for your kind and experienced words . We've both been together since kids and have no experience, utterly devastated etc. he's now said he wants to be with us as family but his actions are showing no sign of remorse ( moody if try to talk about what's happened, entitlement attitude, although suggested counselling ) . It's all so confusing but utterly devastated as still think the world of him. Don't know what to do - there's a chance f sorting things out but it seems to be sacrifice everything I'm feeling for the sake of my son
His behaviour suggests to me that he is actually not sorry for the hurt he's caused you.
He's done something wrong and is looking for a way to wriggle out of it and make you the 'bad guy'
Before you discover the affair he had you thinking you where going mad. If you're not careful, he'll do it again.
You need some head space.
Kick him out for a little while to try to make sense of things.
The way you have both handled this is appalling!
He's an absolute cock and you know it.
Get him out until you decide what you want.
I wish I'd asked him to leave when I found out. I was weak. We're still together, he's finally showing remorse. I still love him and it's a happy home on the surface ( son doesn't know) but the hurt is still very deep for me. Some days I'm ok, some I'm not. I'm able to be a decent Mum. I'm ashamed of how broken I was in the summer. (I remember giving my son beans on toast for tea 3 days in a row). I can function at work. Soon I think I'll be ready to end it. (Don't shout at me I've always had rubbish self esteem). I'm still a bit scared of the future and can't imagine life without him. I hate being in this place. I've ended relationships before I don't know why I can't end this one.
Hello, welcome back.
Stop beating yourself up, you did what you thought was right at the time and right for your son. Don't be ashamed at all.
What is right for you now? You have tried, he is allegedly remorseful, you are coping. Super, but where does that leave you?
Life without him, I assure you will be hard but you will cope. You'll have to. But can you imagine life at the other side of all this? Without the OW, without the endless eggshells and wondering? If you can, then make you move when you are good and ready.
If you think it can be salvaged to a place where you are both happy, perhaps now is the time for counselling.
But do what's right for you, we only get one chance.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
shit - ignore my post - i think i have missed a lot of posts!! i am so sorry
little I think you needed some time to come to terms with his betrayal. Not everyone is able to say "fuck you get out" on day one. But now you have to find some strength and ask him to leave REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU WANT LONG TERM.
Basically there are two options right? Split up/Stay together
Option One: Split Up
To me - his lack of remorse and immature selfishness are almost as bad as the affair. Everything about him - right down to not bothering with condoms - is selfish selfish selfish and for my own sanity I would split up. I could never trust him again and I would always feel like he was there because I had made it easy for him. On this basis I would be asking him to leave sooner rather than later, because the quicker he is gone, the quicker you can start the process of getting over him and recovering from a shit year.
Option Two: Stay Together
As long as he is under that roof having been 'forgiven' having put zero effort into winning you back, he cannot respect you. And if he doesn't respect you, it WILL happen again.
So you need to ask him to leave to give yourself some head space and to give him the fucking wake up call that it doesn't sound like he's had yet.
It doesn't matter where he runs to - even if it's OW - he will be there out of lack of other options, not choice. And frankly, if he does end up there -you need to know that too.
It's going to be really hard, but it really is the only viable option unless you want to end up on this horrible merry-go-round for the entirety of your marriage.
Littlet932, I've been in a situation somewhat similar to yours. One thing I can say, and you actually mentioned it in your last post, is that you seem to have a very low self-esteem. You keep saying that you are the strong one, that you are in control or controlling, but I feel that this is all just a cover up. Your relationship is comes across as extremely unequal, even without the affair. He has his high-powered job and you are left doing all the housework and childcare despite having a job yourself. He does not consider it necessary to explain his behaviour to you. You are not worth of even a stupid excuse for him. Even of a lie to calm you down for a bit. And you are just taking it all in.
Consider why you wanted to get married after 10 years of supposedly happy cohabitation. Were you feeling insecure for a long time and hoping that marriage would somehow raise your significance in his life?
You instincts are right. Of course you are going mad when you are treated like shit. But you've got to get beyond just "going mad" and simply rationally and consciously admit that shit is shit.
You are bending over backwards for a man who does not seem to give a hoot about you. Saying "I love you" just air when it is not backed up by deeds. And I see no deeds here.
Whatever you do, please do not sell yourself short. Demand what is rightfully yours - respect, communication and care. but I don't think this man is going to give you these.
Your first wedding anniversary is this month, what a hell of a way to spend the majority of your first year married . I won't say you were 'weak', back in the summer. You were caught off-guard, you loved him and you were probably in shock still.
H's new job may have taken him away from that particular colleague, is he now working in a monastery or are there women present? I don't see how you can possibly trust him. He's only now showing remorse? He knows he can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the next OW, if her enraged H kicks off and she starts making demands of him.
You can't seriously believe your DS will not have noticed the change in atmosphere between you two.
If you act now it won't be a knee-jerk reaction, it won't matter if you go back on whatever you convinced yourself and him of 3 months' ago. He wasn't satisfied with how life was, he took you for granted and felt entitled to more, every step of the way he only took his own selfish wants into account. Months' later he is still calling the tune, you sound numb and unhappy.
Wow, if I knew he was sleeping with somebody else AND admitted he loved her, I would've taken all his clothes, burned them and thrown him out of the window!
How you can even share a bed with that man let alone have sex!
He'll do it again....
It's so common to think you want to 'fight' right after an affair is found out. Then come the stages - hysterical bonding (sex) thinking you're a great team against the world (her) feeling like you've won - then the scales drop and you actually realise you don't love, trust or respect him anymore. Sadly lots of women feel like it's too late at this point and limp along unhappily. It's not too late.
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