Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Struggling with the loss of my mum and my son being adopted

(49 Posts)
StupidMistakes Fri 12-Jul-13 16:11:05

I cant stop crying i had goodbye contact with my gorgeous ds a week ago and have cremated my mum just over a month ago. my son was always my reason for staying strong and now i have nothing, i just want the pain to end and go away but i know that it wont, it feels like it would just be easier to end it all and done with it and then i wouldnt hurt anymore. I miss them both so much.

bemybebe Fri 12-Jul-13 16:12:41

sad

Why was your son adopted if you don't mind me asking? thanks

I'm so sorry for your loss. Both of them x

Mama1980 Fri 12-Jul-13 16:14:04

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum thanks
If you don't mind me asking why was your son adopted? What is the contact arrangement?

StupidMistakes Fri 12-Jul-13 16:18:42

Failure to protect, yet another rubbish relationship and my baby got hurt because of it, i admit i wasnt coping, i was struggling but no one was listening. i wont see him again.

Dackyduddles Fri 12-Jul-13 16:21:08

Grief. They take children and disallow any contact?!
I'm very sorry. Will he be with family?

Can you write to him regularly?

StupidMistakes Fri 12-Jul-13 16:23:03

I get two letters a year, unfortunately during the court hearing my mother got diagnosed with liver cancer and was given months to live, as she is my only family he is being placed with adopters. I was allowed to see him throughout court proceedings but now hes been found a placement which took just two months for my perfect little angel, i was given one goodnye contact and that was it.

Onetwo34 Fri 12-Jul-13 16:26:28

What would be the best thing to do for your son now? To make sure that you are ready to be a wonderful presence in his life if / whenever he is ready to ask for it. When he is 18, or 25, or 40. Become a person who can offer him love and security.

How old is he SM?

I agree with Onetwo, the best you can do for him now is be there when he needs you.

CinnabarRed Fri 12-Jul-13 16:44:08

OP, you are not alone. You just haven't yet met the people who are waiting to stand by your side. Give them time to find you.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself more. I know you're hurting now, more than you think you can bear, but hold on. Hold on just a little longer. The Samaritans will listen if you want to talk.

Lilka Fri 12-Jul-13 16:44:23

I'm sorry for your losses sad

Coping with your mum's death alongside the court hearings must have been extremely difficult

If you are feeling like going on is too hard, you might want to talk to the Samaritans or another organisation? The Samaritans number is 08457 90 90 90

How would you feel about visiting your GP or somewhere else to ask for counselling? I understand that you may be feeling very wary of health professionals, but it's very hard to go through depression and these experiences without help. You can also try and get counselling to help you deal with relationships. It isn't your fault if your former partners were abusive to you but that's also very hard to cope with.

Mama1980 Fri 12-Jul-13 16:49:18

He old is your son?
I can't imagine the pain you are in right now but just hang on in there, keep breathing. I agree with onetwo you need to take baby steps and build a life for yourself, be the person you want to be, and be ready for your son if he ever needs you.

Bonsoir Fri 12-Jul-13 16:51:07

CinnabarRed - your post brought tears to my eyes.

StupidMistakes - hold tight. Good luck.

Dackyduddles Fri 12-Jul-13 16:54:53

Have you posted in legal? Were you represented properly? I don't know if you 'deserve' him back but there must be support out there I'm not knowledgeable to give. Try them.

Dackyduddles Fri 12-Jul-13 16:55:49

I can't think of another way to put 'deserve' don't be down hearted at my poor phrasing

BlingLoving Fri 12-Jul-13 16:58:43

Can they force you to let him be adopted? I imagine they can take him away and foster him, but surely they cannot force adoption? You should talk to someone and get advice as I just don't see how he can be removed permanently, including all contact, and become the actual child of someone else without your permission.

I'm sorry for your loss.

giddywithglee Fri 12-Jul-13 16:59:55

I agree with Lilka, please speak to someone about how you are feeling, don't go through this on your own.

Chubfuddler Fri 12-Jul-13 17:01:09

They can with a court order.

Please seek some support op.

maja00 Fri 12-Jul-13 17:06:16

Bling, of course children can be permanently removed and adopted.

I think some people need to think about what they are posting. If the situation is at the stage where the OP has said goodbye and her child is being adopted then telling her to get legal advice is cruel.

Chubfuddler Fri 12-Jul-13 17:08:40

I meant emotional support, not legal advice.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Fri 12-Jul-13 17:09:22

What increadibly difficult circumstances for you - whatever the reason for the adoption

Can you contact social services and ask for some support and counselling? If not, your GP

Lilka Fri 12-Jul-13 17:24:41

Bling Of course the courts can order a child to be adopted without consent. Nearly all children who are adopted in this country are adopted without consent, it's very rare now to see a relinquished baby.

Generally to everyone, please don't focus on the legal aspects of this unless you know a bit about adoption law and processes. I'm not saying everyone has to be experts or anything but know the very basic facts including the fact that consent isn't necessary. If the placment has been found and contact has stopped, in reality it's over. Yes there are still months of the legal process left, including the last point of appeal, but in reality by this stage the adoption is as good as done.

OP Wishing you all the best and I hope you are able to get some help. Please don't give up - whatever has happened, you deserve to live and your life is precious. If you go now, your son will also lose any opportunity to ever communicate with you. You can write to his new parents and they will give you updates about him. Your letters can provide information that your son might really want to know later on. But having said that...you deserve to get help for your own sake, to build a life because YOU should have a better future, not just for your sons sake.

noisytoys Fri 12-Jul-13 17:52:38

sad This post makes me so sad. Biggest unmumsnetty hug OP I can't begin to imagine what you're going through but wanted to be there for you.

Latara Fri 12-Jul-13 18:23:17

Have another hug from me too.. please hold on and live, concentrate on taking one day at a time.

SodaStreamy Fri 12-Jul-13 18:35:01

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chubfuddler Fri 12-Jul-13 19:05:00

That was really helpful soda.

ImAfool Fri 12-Jul-13 19:30:01

Soda that probably the nastiest post I have ever seen on here. My dd is adopted under similar circumstances and I have so much sympathy for her birth mum. op your DS still needs you, your letters will be so precious to him. Please try and get some real life help. You can turn things around and be happy again, massive hugs for you.

valiumredhead Fri 12-Jul-13 19:35:05

Fucking hell sodashock

OP,I don't know what to day but didn't want you to think I hadn't readthanks

valiumredhead Fri 12-Jul-13 19:35:34

say

TalkativeJim Fri 12-Jul-13 19:36:34

OP, I am so sorry that you have been through all this.

This is the lowest point. Things can and will get better. As Cinnabar said - there are people out there who you will laugh and love with in your future. You just need to get through the here and now and look to the future.

Please get help, not only to get you through this bit but to help you put things in order so that they can be better than they were. So that you can make better choices, and feel stronger and happier.

Do this for your son as well as yourself. We are all adults for a lot longer than we are children. There are many many years ahead when you can and hopefully will have a relationship with your son. Get strong and live a good life until you get to welcome him back into it. You have two letters a year - those years will fly by. In the meantime take strength from the fact that your son has now been given more people in his life to love and support him, to help him start out well.

Good luck for the future.

Badvoc Fri 12-Jul-13 19:42:44

I am sorry to hear this op.
From your post I would suggest working in your self esteem. This will help you avoid further bad relationships and in time you and your ds may have contact again.
Good luck x

CurlyFox Fri 12-Jul-13 20:00:06

I'm so sorry about what you have has to go through. Is there anyone in RL you can call on?

brokenk Fri 12-Jul-13 21:30:50

Please stay strong

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 22:07:37

I think you posted on here when you're son got taken away. If that was you, I really think it is in your son's best interest to be adopted.

However, I still want to say that I feel sorry for both of your losses. It must be very hard for you.

Oh op, what a sad time for you.

Have you got some support in rl?

I'm sure your mum would want you to hold your head up high, get stronger, be brave...

Palepinkflowerinsummer Fri 12-Jul-13 22:24:50

OP, honestly, I lost my Mum at 17, and I would not have been in any fit state to care for a child for a decade after that. Not just because of losing her but the instability it caused (my dad threw me out and I had no home for a while.)

I'm educated and professional but I don't doubt had I had a baby he would have been taken from me. What I'm saying is don't hate yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. Your little DS will grow surrounded by people who love him including yourself and children can never have too many adults who love them. flowers x

PoppyAmex Portugal Fri 12-Jul-13 22:33:26

Cinnabar that was a lovely, supportive post - it brought tears to my eyes.

Spero Fri 12-Jul-13 22:38:15

Please do get some help and support. The LA should offer you post adoptive counselling. You have been through two extremely traumatic experiences, so no wonder you are reeling.

But I think it is more than likely your son will come and find you when he is older so this is not the end of your story.

sittinginthesun Fri 12-Jul-13 22:46:12

OP, this is the time for you to ask for help for you. Your son is safe, will be well cared for. This is now the time for you to find support for you.

I have some knowledge of the fostering/adoption system, and this is not a decision that is ever taken without a huge amount of thought and time.

Are you safe now? Do you have people you can talk to? A good GP, counsellor, vicar, friend? Someone who you can turn to?

Keep talking.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 12-Jul-13 23:07:59

Op.

I'm sorry for your grief and can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I am adopted and all the adopted people I know all think the same when thinking of their birth mum.
I promise you, we like to hope that you are fit, well and have a good life and that you have done good things for yourself.
The best thing you can do is live your life, be good to yourself, and be ready if and when your dc comes to find you. I wouldn't want to build your hopes up but most adopted people want some contact if only a letter.
So sorry for you thanks

strongerandstronger Fri 12-Jul-13 23:56:23

I'm very sad for the loss of your DM. Please stay strong in regards to your DS. i think at the moment you should focus on yourself. Seek counselling, cognitive behaviour therapy, whatever it is that you may need in order to fix you. I mean that in the best possible way. Once you manage to master this, you will feel a lot stronger, focused and your mind will be clearer in order to think and make decisions. Take control of your future and put things right in order to get your son back. If you can't get your son back, you still do this, so that when he is older he will see you have tried to put things right from the moment he had gone. I hope you do this and please remember that everyone makes mistakes, but what matters is how we deal with them in order to try and put things right and also to find peace within ourselves. Look after yourself. There is still hope. Hugs xxxxx

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Sat 13-Jul-13 00:05:06

Have you got a contact in the social services team that placed your child, op? There is a lot of post-adoption support available. I know you feel crap right now but its crucial for you to engage with as much help as possible.

I'm sorry to hear what a sad time you are going through. You might find After Adoption helpful. They can be contacted on 0800 840 2020 www.afteradoption.org.uk

StupidMistakes Mon 22-Jul-13 13:08:33

A little update, I am doing post adoption counselling but 6 sessions I don't think will be enough. I go to my dad's grave to talk sometimes, and I have a friend who is like a big sister to me and who has become very close over the last 7 months, I don't know what I would do without her, I cry more than people realise though and still find myself just trying to hold it together. her brother messaged me telling me to stay strong, because ds will want to know where his mum is when he gets older and see me. I plan on doing him a birthday and Christmas card every year and keeping them in a box for him with a picture of me inside so he can see how mummy changed over the years. He's still my baby though I know at three he isn't a baby but I always said even when he's forty with his own kids he would still be my baby and my precious gorgeous little miracle

Spero Mon 22-Jul-13 14:43:50

I hope the counselling helps and the cards sound lovey.

NotYoMomma Mon 22-Jul-13 15:37:06

OP I am adopted and I cried reading that about the cards, its a lovely lovely thought xxx

stay strong ((()))

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 22-Jul-13 15:46:45

I'm very sorry to read that such painful things have happened to you. Cinnabar and TalkativeJim have put it really well. Hang in there. Your son will come looking for you one day and you will be able to show him how much you have always loved him.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 15:14:20

OP am so very sorry for both your losses, please do get some help flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now