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Still struggling with husband's infidelity

(34 Posts)
Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 14:31:18

About 4 months ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair. I found out completely by accident and our relationship was in my opinion anyway good at the time he was being unfaithful. He immediately ended the relationship with her (she lives in another country and he had met her whilst on business there ) and he has been full of remorse and has himself started going for counselling about it. I have agreed to marriage counselling but just can't face it at the moment. However I still feel insanely angry about it and just so let down. I just don't know how I can trust him.
To make things worse - and please bear in mind here I think I had some kind of mental breakdown over the last few months - I slept with another man ( just a one night stand nothing more ) - it was the first time I had been unfaithful to him in 14 years. Then - prompted by some crazy argument with DH - i joined an online dating site and have started a relationship with someone else ( we have not slept together - we just go out - talk - and then invariably kiss ). This guy is married with young children - I feel guilty about it but my relationship with him makes me feel better and able to cope. My DH has even commented that I seem much happier. I am not sure if it is a revenge affair - it is definitely something that has no future - I am not entirely sure what to do now. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position ?

imademarion Fri 12-Jul-13 14:35:52

Oh dear, it sounds an awful mess.

Directing your attention to other relationships might give you a short-term ego boost but I suspect you know deep down that you need to face things with your DH and sort your marriage out before you get anyone else involved.

Horrible painful situation and I hope things work out for you.

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 14:41:03

Yes it is a mess - not sure if it is about boosting me ego - I just like this other man and its not really about mutual flattery

PrincessKitKat Fri 12-Jul-13 14:50:05

First I'm do sorry your DH did this to you. You must feel like your worlds been shaken upside down. I can't imagine.
But honestly, do you think the married man is a good idea? 1) he's a shit like your DH 2) his wife is innocent (just like you) and do you really want to make her feel like you have been made to feel?
I'm not judging I just think you're going to end up with far more grief/ guilt if it continues. And truthfully, this sounds like a plaster fuck (I know you're only kissing at the mo...) to cover the hurt.
Would some time away from all of them help? To think about what you want?

Phalenopsis Fri 12-Jul-13 14:55:32

It does sound like a mess and I don't think you're helping yourself in any way by having these other relationships/joining dating sites but you probably know this anyway. It sounds as though you did it initally for revenge but you've got yourself into a right pickle. Perhaps the relationship with the married guy is a way of deflecting the pain you feel because I suspect that once you're left alone with your thoughts you'll feel even worse.

I think that you and your husband need some time apart and then perhaps try counselling because from your posts it sounds as though there's a lot going on here that you both need to work through. I also consider going to your GP because if you have had some kind of 'breakdown' then you'll need his/her help.

Xales Fri 12-Jul-13 14:57:30

While he is the one married you are doing to this other man's wife exactly what has been done to you. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else on that dating site. That is how special you really are to him.

Do you want to be involved in making his wife feel like you have? Or hurting his DC?

He makes you feel wanted after your H made you feel shit.

It isn't right though. Knock him on the head.

Sort yourself and you marriage out first.

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 14:57:35

Yes I think some time away would help - i will try to do it. I feel terrible about his wife and children and cannot understand why I am behaving like this. I was so angry with the other woman - yet I am just as bad now.

Jan45 Fri 12-Jul-13 15:43:22

I think you and your OH should split; there's no trust there at all now, it's worrying that when he had the affair you felt everything was good....so he cheated that easily then.

Sorry but what you are doing is just as bad if not worse, esp re the kids, you both clearly want to act like single people then simply do that, become available but find yourself a man that's worth having, these two sound a pair of deadbeats, your OH and the guy on the side; he must be a lovely guy to do that to his family and it sounds like it's just for fun, you don't even have proper feelings for each other, sorry to be brutal but time to grow up.

Upnotdown Fri 12-Jul-13 16:22:34

Two wrongs don't make a right. If your method of 'getting through it' after an infidelity is to get revenge, you should have just walked away.

Understandably, your head wasn't in the right place but would you take that as a valid excuse from your DH? Would you accept that?

You really need to think about the effect your actions are having on the people around you and do something about it - that's the only thing that will stop you sinking deeper.

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 16:41:22

Not sure why what I have been doing is any worse than my husbands actions to be honest

My head being messed up is not a valid excuse you are right. I think it was partly revenge but also escapism from what was an intensely painful time

You are right of course - i will put an end to it with the other guy - to be honest I am not interested in sleeping with him. I know he too is a cheat - I did just like spending time with him in a non sexual way

PrincessKitKat Fri 12-Jul-13 16:47:02

Sounds to me like you wanted someone to be kind and to talk to, not a bedfellow.
I can understand that, but this creepy married man is more trouble than he's worth.
Do you have any friends nearby to confide in? If you've been acting happier, maybe they think you're ok when actually it sounds like you need some support of the non-sexually motivated variety.
Or if it helped that he was a stranger are there any support groups or counselling services you can tap into?

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 16:56:13

I am very lucky as I have lots of good female friends - I have confided in them and they have been supportive. I have told a few of them about this other guy and they can understand why it happened - they haven't told me I should stop seeing him - but I will. The reason being I cannot bear the thought of another woman going through what I went through a few months ago. If he was unmarried however I think I would pursue it. I like him to be honest.

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 17:04:05

We'll what your doing is worse because you know exactly what it feels like to be cheated on. Your marriage was unlikely to have been happy . There would have been warnings in the year before. Have you talked to your husband about what led him to become vulnerable to the affair and what he got from it that he needed. You have said what you are getting from your emotional affair so you both need to see if this relationship has anything left worth repairing. You have slept with one man, now having an emotional affair with another. Will you come clean and tell him.?

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 17:08:21

No I will never tell him about my actions as I do not see the point of hurting him. I wish I had never found out about his infidelity to be honest

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 17:12:53

But everything your husband is doing now is pointless because you are now the one cheating. You day you won't tell him but it will come between you if you dont. You don't need more lies. That will just erode away at what you have rebuilt. He might find out anyway and he might not want to be with you.

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 17:17:15

I do understand how you feel but you actively sought out other men through dating sites. Your self esteem was very low and you needed it boosted by other men wanting you and what could make you feel more alluring than another married man who prefers you to his own dw.

MissStrawberry Fri 12-Jul-13 17:20:19

Tell your husband and see if you both want to try and rebuild your marriage on an open and honest footing. And stop snogging another woman's husband! You know how shit she will feel when she finds out.

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 17:24:58

Yes but i am not going to see this other man again. I never really understood why people confessed to having affairs - emotional or otherwise - particularly when there was no inention to leave the spouse

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 17:40:23

Maybe your husband was having some sort of mental breakdown when he had his affair. If you want to be with your husband then yoy both have a lot of talking to do. He is getting counselling . Have you discussed with him what he feels led him to have an affair?

HmmmWhatAMess Fri 12-Jul-13 17:49:15

I discovered my DH's affair in Feb this year. Just like you with someone when if was working away on business. I can't put into words how it has affected the whole family. I think for me the most. Its almost as if their actions have given up carte blanche to do whatever the hell we like.

You have put yourself in this situation because you want to feel attractive. You want to hold the power on the situation...but you already know what a big mess it all is. Do you really want to make it any worse for you, your family, and another family?

What you need to do is end it. Focus on yourself and what you want. Forget about the one night stand and this other guy and give yourself chance to heal. Then see if you want this marriage to continue.

flowers

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 17:49:29

Yes we have discussed it in great detail. I think I had some kind of breakdown when I found out - I feel like I went completely off the rails. I know what I did was wrong but I found some kind of comfort in it. I assure you I will put an end to it - I was just curious to find out if anyone else had reacted in the same way. I do love my husband and I would prefer for us to stay together. I am not ready for counselling yet though - although he is and I am pleased he has taken that step

MissStrawberry Fri 12-Jul-13 17:57:54

" I never really understood why people confessed to having affairs - emotional or otherwise - particularly when there was no intention to leave the spouse."

hmm

Maybe because they are trying to do something right after doing something so wrong.

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 18:20:38

I guess we all go off the rails in different ways . I think you need to find out more about who you are now because something like this changes everything about how we see ourselves in the world. You need to work on you. Discover you again as an independent woman separate from the you who has been part of a couple for years. smile

chubbymomie2012 Fri 12-Jul-13 18:27:51

How could you? In my honest opinion what you are doing is worse! You know how devastating this is. You are doing that same thing to another woman for your own selfish reasons YABVU! shock

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 18:29:39

You can get through this and make a stronger relationship but it takes work and understanding and acceptance to be able to move on .

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 18:59:29

Chubbymommie I am not on the aibu board you know - it is very easy to judge others - you do not know me and what i have been through this year

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 19:06:18

The thing I find hard is how you could do that to another woman when it was done to you. But you are not in your right mind when you go through the fallout of an affair and your not really your " normal" self.

Rulesgirl Fri 12-Jul-13 21:23:42

A lot of us do know what your going through op....and its always going to be a bad time but you can get through and be a couple again if thats what you want smile

Justconfused Fri 12-Jul-13 22:26:04

Thank you rulesgirl

chamonixlover Sat 13-Jul-13 09:03:53

Put yourself in the place of all those you have hurt, that means your husband, your children, possibly family of the first man you slept with, the family of the man you are currently seeing, anyone else. Then try and put it right.

chamonixlover Sat 13-Jul-13 09:25:17

BTW just remembered my neighbour who discovered her partner was having an affair, she immediately slit her wrists and was found running around in the street in a dazed state, her mum had to look after her for over a year. It affected her to the point of wanting to kill herself and not surprised since she came home to find her husband having sex with the OW, it affected her mum and family who had to come from abroad to look after her, it affected the entire street of neighbours. All for a fuck hey, how considerate of her partner and the OW, both guilty. Please please think of what you could be doing to others and when your children grow up, how do they think they will view their parents to have both done this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 13-Jul-13 09:48:46

You need to ditch your husband either temporarily or permanently. Because you've taken him back you feel cheap, unloveable and worthless... he's utterly smashed your self-confidence..... so you behave like the cheap, unloveable, worthless person you think you are. Get rid of the cause and you will get your pride & self-respect back

Good luck

Justconfused Sat 13-Jul-13 22:49:01

Cogito I don't feel like that at all - I want to stay with my husband and do not think him moving out is a solution

I ended things with the other guy today and already am starting to feel better

Thank you for everyone's advice

Rulesgirl Sun 14-Jul-13 19:30:31

I'm really pleased that your decision to end things with om has made you feel better. You can now re invest in your relationship with dh. smile

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