Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I didn't sign up for this

(48 Posts)
FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 19:01:10

Please forgive any disjointed waffling. This will most likely be long. Please stick with me.

I need to stress, I know 100% there is nobody else.

ExP woke up 18 days ago and casually announced he no longer loved me and he left.

I have a 14 yr old DD from a previous r.ship and we have a 7 month old DS.

I haven't seen him since he left but agreed that he could pick DS up from my sister and DBIL the following weekend. (I didn't trust myself to beg him to come home and I refuse).

He dropped DS back at my sis and that was 10 days ago. Since then he's only asked after our baby twice and on both occasions, it was initiated by my contact with him.

I've been getting angrier and more upset as every day has passed and eventually, yesterday, I sent a text saying I was so sad and really upset that he's showing no interest in the baby. He replied saying DS is the most important thing in the world to me...I need my DJ equipment.

He's not a professional DJ, it's his passion.

I was fuming at this response and told him he'd gain access when it was convenient to me.

Within the hour, he was banging on my door for his equipment and I didn't answer as I wasn't having this in front of DS. I was livid.

In all that time where was the passion for our beautiful baby?

I'm bereft. He's a stranger to me. But I'm so unhappy. I don't want to be a single parent again. I've been left with all the responsibility of the family he discarded.

I'm being treated for PND and I believe I have PTSD (another story but related to birth and immediately after). And I have no support other than my teen daughter, who I try not to put on but I rely on her to see to the baby while I wash/ sterilise/ make bottles, make dinner, go to the bloody toilet!

I had no idea ExP was unhappy. Lets just say he must be an excellent actor, as I never saw it coming and the first I heard was when he left.

I'm struggling to get my head around it. I know he wants his responsibility free, party days back and I believe he's let his family down.

I have wondered why it is that it's so easy for men to throw the towel in on something so bloody important. What would the people around us have thought/ said if I'd walked away without a backward glance from my family?

I'm so frustrated. Please hold my hand,

MNiscold Wed 10-Jul-13 19:08:23

Feegle - I have a friend who was left just in this way. She is now very happily married to a man who absolutely adores her and supports her in every way. You may not want another man after this treatment, but even so I have to say her life is better without the Ex.

Some people just can't handle normal day-to-day life; they want more excitement, and they definitely get that by leaving abruptly! Some are just Twunts.... but whatever the reason for his behavior, people here will hold your hand for as long as it takes.

Where is your family? Your mom? Can you get real life help? A friend who adores your DS? You need these people now, so do talk to them and actually ask them for specifics. Ie: can you babysit Friday night? You'll be amazed what help you will find.

Another thing to try is take time each day to write down the good things that happen. I had this as an assignment from a counsellor years ago, and it was amazing how many things turned up! We do tend to overlook or not quite appreciate them, but they're there, and once you start looking for them, you start to notice them more and more and to feel better.

Good luck. You are stronger than you think.

SunshineBossaNova Wed 10-Jul-13 19:09:05

<proffers hand>

Big hugs, lovely flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 19:09:42

I'm not great at hand-holding, sorry. Your ex sounds extremely selfish and it's not exclusively 'men' that do it, unfortunately. I can't share your certainty that there isn't someone else. It's possible, via the internet, for someone to get emotionally attached to people they've never even met and without ever leaving the front door. Few mentally sound people walk out on a perfectly nice family and home unless they think they are getting something better.

Look after yourself and your DCs. Get plenty of RL support and be with people that love you. Stay busy. You'll find out more shortly and you'll need all your strength to cope.

SlimePrincess Wed 10-Jul-13 19:13:13

Another hand for you here.

He's a selfish twatbadger.

Boosterseat Wed 10-Jul-13 19:15:06

You're DD sounds like a fantastic help, we'll done on raising such a wonderful daughter. You must be very proud.

I'm so sorry you're going through this his behaviour is truly disgusting.

If you are being treated for PND please tell your GP/counsellor about your change in circumstances, I hope they can give you additional support.

There are many amazing posters here who have been in your shoes at some point, you're in good hands.

Please take care.

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 20:06:02

Thanks everyone. I had a couple of threads in chat but it's 'real' now if that makes sense? So felt I needed to come to relationships.

I agree, it is possible Cogito but highly unlikely. He is however, exactly as you describe - selfish.

I'm very proud of my DD but I feel shite asking her, especially when I know she really doesn't want to.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 10-Jul-13 20:31:05

What a shitbag. DJing equipment over a beautiful baby son. Tosser.

Glad to see that you can focus on the wonderfulness of both your DC even as you deal with this fresh handgrenade in your life.

Keep calling on all the support you need from friends, family, GP, other authorities... I'm sorry you are going through this.

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 20:45:27

Hot I don't understand that. Our son is a joy! I understand my DD isn't his, but she's feeling devastated too. She looked at him as a good father figure and even bought him a Father's Day card from her pocket money, without me having a clue! Her feelings are of no importance to him either, I'll never forgive him that. The baby turned 7 months on Sunday and has cut his first two teeth over the weekend. His DF missed these milestones sad yet we cried together the very first time he smiled.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate you taking the time and offering your support.

I think I need to see my GP. I don't want this to take me under.

something2say Wed 10-Jul-13 20:52:46

I'm very sorry to hear what has happened. May I ask, did he agree to a family? Hope that isnt a rude qs, its just that sometimes I think one person wants this, and the other wants that, and one thing leads to another and the days roll by and then suddenly you're in a boat you didn't really want to be in. I would say people have to think about what they do....but also that the partners have to ask themselves if their partner really wants things they do.....and hope they dont lie of course and take everyone down a blind alley...

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 21:15:02

something believe it or not, it was me who didn't want more DC, but I got caught and after flaking out he calmed me down and immediately started making arrangements for us to move from a 2 to a 3 bed property, in a better area.

It's like he's had a malfunction. He's not the man I know. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 21:19:56

When you say DJ-ing is his passion, does he do that entirely at home or does he get gigs?

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 21:28:31

No he doesn't get any gigs.

He is good and he'd love a break but it's house music and progressive dance as opposed to a wedding DJ and never getting his break is one of his big regrets.

I've always supported him in this and have reminded him nobody will come knocking on the door for him and to give it a push if it's what he really wants. He never does though.

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 21:35:17

I've a sneaking suspicion he's just cracked under the pressure of responsibility.

We're both exhausted. DS still wakes up to 5 or 6 times through the night and no matter what we've tried, will not settle for night-time until at least 9:30pm so we never had any down time together.

I think it's all got too much and his immature, selfish self has decided the grass is greener.

Of course, I won't ever really know, I just feel it fits.

Hopasholic Wed 10-Jul-13 22:56:15

Hi feegle, I remember your initial thread, I also remember how strong you are. You will get through this, you're going through a cycle and the anger phase made you strong, you've popped back to 'disbelief' but you are strong and you will make it.

One day he's going to be looking at his 'deck' and he'll realise that actually its his deck of cards that have fallen. Of course it will be too late then. You realise what you've got, you're ahead of the game. I don't know if that gives you any comfort at all as understandably, you're still very raw. He's chasing a dream. You deserve better. flowers

superstarheartbreaker Wed 10-Jul-13 23:06:13

Your ex might be a 'good' DJ but he's also a massive twat who dodn't deserve a break. He's not going to get one either.
A new baby is a shock to the system and many women as well as men have a hard time getting their head around what a massive life change it is. Trouble is most of us women stay by our kids why all too many men fuck off their responsibilities. Trouble also is that us girls get branded as 'failures' for being single mums when actually it is the man who is the failure. This society makes me spit feathers about how mysogynistic it is!

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 23:06:59

Hop I remember you and your excellent support. Thank you so much for taking time again.

I know you're right. I already feel sorry for what he's losing. I just wish my DC weren't caught up in this shite. Especially DD, if I'm honest. She's well aware that the man she looked to as her role model and a father figure, for years,won't be interested in making time for her. sad her DF lives 350 miles away and ExP really did step up. They got on amazingly well. So sad for her

superstarheartbreaker Wed 10-Jul-13 23:10:33

Your dd will be gutted for a bit and then she will be fine and have a realistic view of the ups and down of love. Stay strong for her and show her that a woman can be tough and dosn't need a man. (Not easy I know when devastated and heartbroken.)
In the mean time I would get some more support; doctor, health visitor, friends and family can all help.

FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 23:11:54

superstar that's what I mean! Can you imagine the uproar if I'd abandoned my family and left him holding the baby?

I've only got my sister and DBIL as support in RL (we shared some friends. I say shared as nobody has asked how I'm coping, none of them have been to see me. He's actually living with these friends so its a social club every night).

I do feel like I've failed my children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 06:13:52

How have you failed your children? You're the strong one that has stuck around and is taking responsibility for the next 18-20 years. The weak one disappearing into the distance with his silly hobby and not even pretending to be interested in his own son is the comprehensive failure... as a decent human being, as well as a father.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 07:57:20

I feel like there must be something I could have done to ensure that he didn't stop loving me. I know that's bloody stupid but if I knew we weren't the happy couple who were a team, getting through the hard realities of having a baby together.

We had no RL support, it was just us two and we were supposed to bloody stick together and dig our heels in until things were easier with the baby and he was sleeping better through the night.

I feel like I've failed to keep the family together and failed my DC as a consequence.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 08:04:02

*If I knew we weren't the happy couple working as a team to get through the exhaustion together, I would have tried everything to change that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 08:23:50

You can't make anyone love you or stop loving you. You can't prevent someone from being selfish or irresponsible if that's their nature. You can't make someone happy if they don't want to be happy. You can't keep a family together when one member of it has decided the grass is greener elsewhere and doesn't want to be part of that family. You can, however, keep your new family of three together.... and you are doing.

What he's done will hurt, torture and baffle you on a visceral level, but (and I mean this kindly) it isn't really about you. Relationships break up all the time and it's sad when people stop feeling the same way about each other. There's no good way to say 'it's over'. But he's handled this spectacularly cruelly and selfishly and, by blaming yourself, you're simply letting him off the hook

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 08:42:17

I know you're bang on Cogito my head tells me the same logical things I just need the stupid heart to catch up.

TheWysticManker Thu 11-Jul-13 08:59:31

I would bet to £100 there IS someone else, or he would like there to be.

sorry, but you need to be realistic

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:07:24

" I just need the stupid heart to catch up."

There will come a point - shortly I hope - when you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will feel absolutely furious. That's the point when you'll start to recover. You have to feel the anger in your heart as well as your head.

When I said you can't make anyone stop loving you, this is a case in point. He's done this appalling thing and, eighteen days on, you're still defending and trying to rationalise his behaviour. It's very tough to switch love off so, whatever he's been saying and however he's been acting, he didn't just wake up one morning feeling this way, he's spent quite a long time mulling it over and reaching a decision. You're just the last to know.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:12:13

I'm not naive I'm well aware what could be but it's really improbable rather than impossible.

It isn't helpful in the slightest to anyone to say your opinion is being realistic. It isn't realistic, it's speculation and easy to throw out there to explain almost any situation in which a partner leaves.

Realistically, an OW is a possibility, unlikely though. Realistically, he could be overwhelmed by his responsibility, he could be an immature, self-serving arse who thinks he can easily slot back into his stress free pre-baby party lifestyle with only his needs to consider, realistically he may be experiencing depression, and realistically it could be any or none of the above.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:15:42

I've been living on anger Cogito but I know exactly what you're saying makes perfect sense.

I suppose I'm sad and sorry that the dream shattered suddenly.

I'm doing a lot better than I appear to be, here. mostly

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:17:32

The only 'real' you've got to work with is that he's gone, says he doesn't love you and isn't bothered with the family either. His motives could be anything and nothing... you may never even answer that question. I also thought it was highly unlikely my exH had an OW. He was no oil-painting, had a tendency to melancholy and didn't seem to have much in the way of opportunity to shag around. He also left because he suddenly 'didn't love me any more'. It's almost a cliché...

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:24:49

Exactly, I'll work with what I have and quite honestly, my life is rich. I have the better 'deal' here and I'm under no illusions that I am blessed.

I've been through this before and it's probably because of that fact that despite being sad that it's come to this, I know it will pass and there is happiness ahead.

I was single for years before him. We were friends for a couple of years before we became a couple and I know I'm grieving for a lost friendship as well as my relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:26:30

You'll be OK.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:28:06

I guess today is a strong day grin

To be honest, his shite attitude makes it easier for me. I can work with anger and frustration. I just really need to make sure I speak with my GP as I don't want to hit a massive low at the very time my DC need me to be at my best.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:31:08

I know Cogito but please believe me when I tell you that I appreciate you saying it.

I feel MN is my support system at the moment and I do appreciate the support and the time you all take to reach out.

I feel like I've failed to keep the family together and failed my DC as a consequence

he failed. Him alone. For whatever selfish reason he literally left you holding the baby. That in itself should show you that he wasn't worth a tenth of you to start with. Don't feel bad that you didn't see it coming or prevent it...he didn't want you to.

In a way, it's easier that he's a grade A selfish twunt because it's easier to just think 'bugger you' and get on with things.

This will pass and we're here until it does and beyond. Just do your best to forget about him...every time you feel yourself going round in angry imaginary-conversation circles with him in your head just get up and do something, anything to distract yourself. It won't last forever and one day you'll find you just don't care any more. Until then concentrate on keeping yourself well for your DCs and taking any help you can get, even if it's just posting on here for a bit of support.

Every little helps and plenty of people on here have been through the same and can talk to you from the 'other side' of all this smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:44:05

Are you sure about the GP? Your 14yo probably knows all about heartbreak either personally or via friends. So if you crumble occasionally, I don't think she'll freak out or see it as you letting her down. And your baby is the thing that can fully focus your attention in a positive way, leaving you less mulling time to feel upset.

^ and agree with C .

It's not going to do them irreparable damage to see you cry once in a while or show the odd sign of heartbreak. It's normal and as long as you're not having a full on breakdown then try not to worry too much.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 10:20:18

Orchard thank you. I've not been able to cry yet. The anger and frustration I'm feeling is my energy right now and I'm thankful for it.

My DD is an amazingly mature young woman and I am bloody blessed I have her. I'm also extremely lucky that the baby is a very happy boy, it makes it so much less stressful.

Cogito I'm don't understand your question about me speaking with my GP. Sorry if I'm missing it.

Anger can certainly be a fuel in some cases!

My mum was an LP and I remember 'being there' for her sometimes when she had the odd moment (they were quite rare as she's generally quite strong) and I never felt like it was too much for me or like I shouldn't have to deal with it. It's just the way it was sometimes and it just showed she was human and hurting. I never thought much more of it than that so try not to worry about it too much.

Glad you have a happy baby, they do make things easier! (And make a good distraction) smile

RalphGnu Thu 11-Jul-13 10:32:09

Rubbish at advice, Feegle, but I'm great at hand holding. I'm sorry you're going through this. sad

Jan45 Thu 11-Jul-13 10:36:32

You will be fine, he's not for you, he's not good enough, let him deal with his own emotions when it comes to his baby, that's between him and his conscience, you can't make him do anything. I do agree though that men seem to be able to walk away a lot easier than women, can you imagine if they could give birth, there'd be abandoned babies everywhere.

You are doing a fantastic job and have a lovely daughter to help you, you will be fine. The anger will eventually go and you will realise you are well rid. I would also wonder if there's AW on the scene, he sounds like a total coward tbh.

FeegleFion Fri 12-Jul-13 01:07:13

Thanks everyone!

orchard he wakes every morning with a massive grin then proceeds to tell me all about what happened in his dreams. The way he babbles is so cute. He looks very proud of himself grin

Ralph I'm really only looking for support. Thank you. I'm extremely grateful. grin

Jan that's also a very kind post. I do feel I'll see the trees sooner than later. I'm extremely blessed and the only way is up! grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Jul-13 06:00:06

About the GP I meant, don't be too keen to go the anti-depressant route

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 12-Jul-13 06:29:01

Hey, Feegle, I remember you.
You seem very strong and together - I'm sure there will be ups and downs but as you said yourself, you can do it!

FeegleFion Fri 12-Jul-13 07:19:26

Cogito I've been prescribed AD's for PND. I'm already taking them. I also think I'm suffering PTSD and I just think it's prudent to chat to my GP to let him know I'm dealing with this additional stress.

Miffy I remember you too. grin I'll get there. My wobbles are very few and far between. I don't really have time to indulge. I mostly feel really strong and positive for the future. I can't not feel positive, I'm left looking at two amazing DC and that's what I need to focus on. Thanks flowers

FeegleFion Sun 14-Jul-13 15:51:29

So, we eventually sat down and begun discuss things.

He admitted he'd been unhappy for a while and explained I seemed short tempered a lot of the time since giving birth. He felt that we'd lost 'us' and had become just 'parents'.

He held his hands up and was able to say that he needs to be able to communicate better and I suggested we go to Relate to find a way for us both to communicate better and he thought that was a sound suggestion.

We talked long into the night and we both think what we have is too much to abandon without exhausting every avenue trying.

So, that's where we are and we are committed to investing in rebuilding our breakdown of communication.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reach out to me. flowers

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 15-Jul-13 11:38:13

Oh Feegle, I'm so pleased.
Fingers crossed for the future!

Hopasholic Tue 16-Jul-13 20:36:27

Pleased to hear that Feegle smile

Wish you both well. flowers

FeegleFion Tue 16-Jul-13 21:44:07

Thanks Miffy and Hop smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now