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Another Thread (LoserNoMore...again)

(436 Posts)
LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 16:58:49

Hi, so on another thread but not really much further forward, in fact I feel worse. Anyway I've been to the doctors and have Anti D's and referred to a counsellor. Hopefully these will work.

Thanks to everyone for their support on previous threads and PMs too, it is all very much appreciated.

Alwayskeptalidon Wed 10-Jul-13 17:32:36

Was worried about you LNM.

You have come on. You have been living on anger and adrenalin. You are now experiencing the next stage on this terrible road that has been forced upon you.

Take it easy and give it time for the meds to work.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Wed 10-Jul-13 17:35:40

Bless you. And well done. I have lurked often but didn't feel I had anything to add to the great advice you were getting. Just wanted to post to fill the space before your 'regular' posters come along.

You have been so brave and inspirational and strong. But you do not always have to be that way. Vulnerable and in need is fine too.

Your girls need and love you. You know that. You are the centre of their world. Wishing you well with all my heart.

ChipsNEggs Wed 10-Jul-13 17:38:17

Glad you're back LNM. You may not feel further forward but you've taken the steps to get you moving in the right direction. You probably feel temporarily worse as it was a very hard thing to do to go and speak to someone face to face and admit how your feeling.

Anti-d's can make you feel a bit sick when you start taking them, if I found a couple of tablespoons of plain boiled white rice helps your stomach to settle.

Try and get to bed as early as you can and make sure you eat. Even a milkshake or a smoothie if you don't feel up to it.

Got to go as I'm sitting in MaccyD's carpark nicking internet. Our home connection has gone down again angry. I'll check in on you a.s.a.p.

Big hugs and flowers

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Jul-13 17:56:01

Hey you! Well done today. You have taken a massive step forward and please don't feel like you've let yourself or anyone else down.
You are a human being, just like the rest of us - there are limits to how much shit we can get thrown at us before we blow a fuse and you've had more than your fair share!
You may not feel further forward, but in a way you are. How long has it been since that first 'this doesn't look good does it?' post? You've survived everything that's been thrown at you so don't beat yourself up. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Having moments where you want everything to be over is not a son of weakness. You are not weak at all. You are human and can only take so much.
Try the Ads and see how you get on. They worked so well for me when I was in that dark place. They will make you feel bloody awful for the first couple of weeks - I felt terribly sick - but once you begin to see the difference it's amazing. And I had counselling for 18 months or more and it was the best thing I ever did. Just brilliant and I don't know where I would be if I hadn't had it. So I hope something works for you and clears some of the fog so that you can one yourself again.

Just as an aside - the ADs - the worst side effect for me was losing the ability to climax during sex! Wasn't impressed at all so if that happens with JD (not even sure if you will but you know, just in case wink be warned!!!)

Big hugs LNM thanks

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 18:14:08

Thank you.

Just as an aside - the ADs - the worst side effect for me was losing the ability to climax during sex! Wasn't impressed at all so if that happens with JD (not even sure if you will but you know, just in case be warned!!!)

Kick a girl when she's down why don't ye ;) On the subject of JD, I'm not sure if I should knock that on the head. I don't want to set myself up for more hurt. On the other hand he makes me feel good and not worthless. I don't know.

I went to pick up prescription a wee while ago and spotted ex with the girls walking along the street. I felt sick seeing them. My heart actually ached sad they didn't see me which is probably a good thing.

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Jul-13 18:28:12

Sorry!!!!!!!! it may not happen to you but I thought there was something wring with me when I found my new man wink.

Do what you feel comfortable doing. If he makes you feel good about yourself and you enjoy it and he knows where you both stand then where's the harm? It's going to be so hard to trust someone again and let them get close. But you absolutely don't have to do that yet. Deal with yourself first because that's most important. Don't knock it on the head if its going to make you feel worse. Throughout your posts you've been at your happiest when you've been with him. Don't think about it too much, if you feel like seeing him and he makes you happy then why not?

That's just my opinion. Most importantly just do what YOU want to do.

Ouch re seeing the girls - that was bad timing. Do something tonight to keep your mind occupied!! wink

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Wed 10-Jul-13 18:42:08

LNM good to see you back. Give the pills time to kick in, and gradually you'll get stronger. Counselling will help, but it'll take time. If you don't feel the AD's are working, you can get the dosage changed, or switched to something else that's better. Just stick with it. You'll get there, slowly but surely. Sometimes it's not about getting better as such, but learning new ways to dealing with things when everything seems so bleak.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Jul-13 19:38:17

Glad to see you, LNM. Very good call, going to the doc asap.

Some people can access private treatment through work. Just putting it out there, don't know your situation.

It is hard being without your kids for a week unexpectedly. I know you have had a LOT else going on too, but I actually think people underestimate how hard it is for mothers to be separated from their children (sometimes wink ). And it can sort of set off all other kinds of linked reactions. Anyway.

Hopefully you can sleep tonight....bath with bits in? Bit of telly? Paint your nails? Nice food that the kids won't eat?

Waterwater Wed 10-Jul-13 19:39:06

Good to hear from you again. There's no right or wrong about how long things take until you feel you are you again. MN is here for the long haul and for you to drop in and out of as you need.

You are probably feeling physically battered by the emotions. It's good to rest and not look for answers or make decisions and just gather your physical strength back.

The anti depressants might not be the right ones for you etc, dosage will probably go up etc. so you are at beginning of a process to find what's right for you.

I've noticed all of us posting have said the anti d will take time, might not be right so there's certainly lots of people on here to help you work out if you are happy with what you have been prescribed etc.

Don't feel bad about feeling you haven't got your chin up etc you are going through the equivalent of an hgv running you down. Somehow you are still standing, eventually you'll be out of the daze and start to dust yourself down and notice you can see the horizon again. The fog - once you're through it you'll know why we keep calling it that.

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 10-Jul-13 19:39:21

Glad you have the ads and I hope they kick in soon.

Keep JD going as long as it is fun and you don't feel you're getting too emotionally invested.

Thinking of you this week.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 20:06:25

Defintely need rest, if I could sleep away the next few weeks I would. Wish there was a quick fix.

Waterwater Wed 10-Jul-13 20:29:13

Don't try to look too far ahead. This will get easier to do.

What I found was I couldn't see any hope and I was projecting so far ahead into the future. However, at the same time I only pictured myself in same state of mind but in the future iykwim?

That's not your future. When you are feeling yourself again well, you will find you naturally will start living in the moment again. You'll think about next couple of days etc but what you won't do is keep trying to see somewhere far into the future.

You really won't feel like this forever. So your future is brighter than you can imagine now. Try to get through each bit of the day and don't project yourself on to tomorrow etc. (well try to, as I know it's more difficult than it sounds where you are).

MissStrawberry Wed 10-Jul-13 20:52:03

IME I had severe side effects so I would advise you read the pamphlet so you know what might happen. I didn't and freaked out whereas if I had known it was a possibility I might have been okay.

It can take up to 2 weeks for them to start working.

With JD could you talk to him about how you are feeling and see if between you you can't come to an arrangement for how you want things to go?

Don't let your ex take any more of your life away from you. You are an amazing woman - I read your initial thread and thought then you were incredibly strong - and while things are shit now nothing lasts forever and you will be fine. Just take it steady and try not to stress about things you can't change.

<sends chocolate cake (calorie free of course), a masseur for relaxation, treat snacks and a glossy mag>

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 10-Jul-13 20:56:29

oh god yes, I had forgot about THAT side effect. It doesnt last too long though iirc.

Glad Ive found new thread.

You have done so well, this is another step in the process. A totally, shitty part, but another step. Remember the boulder > gravel scenario?

mumat39 Wed 10-Jul-13 21:13:29

Water, you write so beautifully. I wish I had your way with words.

LNM, hello again. I'm so so glad you've been to the gp and that they've been able to get you on the road to recovery.

I've been thinking about you alot today. When I discovered my exH had been cheating on me, I was devastated. We didn't have children, so it was different in that sense, but he was my everything, and I felt so so awful. I would spend evenings just sitting and staring into space and would get up in the morning and go to work and just get on with things. I didn't tell anyone, I just carried on. Smiling on the outside but felt like a massicve part of me had died. Gradually I stopped noticing the numbness. About a year or so later, I met my DP. We started going out and having fun and it was great. However, when things started to get serious and I started having feelings for him, that's when I started to feel really insecure and it got worse everyday. I remember not being able to walk down the street without seeing women who I was convinced were better than me and who would be better than me for my DP. It was crazy and it got so bad that I couldn't function. Thats when i used to wonder about the speeding trains. the only reason i didnt jump was because i couldnt do that to my family, or to the commuters on the train and definitely not to the train driver.

That was the first time that I asked for help and went to see my Gp. I got anti-depressants and thank goodness I did. I am still with my DP 13 years later and we have two lovely children.

I'm not all 'fixed' and perfect, but I am also no longer in that place where you now find yourself.

I think I'm sharing this because I didn't deal with the fallout from things at the beginning, when I first discovered just what my exH had been up to. I blocked it out. But it caught up with me and I had to go through the dark days in order to actually accept what happened and to move on from it.

I have been on anti depressants again for the last couple of years for different reasons.

As water said, you are just at the beginning. If these anti-d's don't work, then go back to the gp and talk to them. Don't give up on them. Don't give up on yourself.

Wishing you all the very best for the next seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months ahead.
Xxx

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 10-Jul-13 21:19:57

I thought you'd gone all quiet - then I found the new thread!!
I hope the ADs work quickly.

minkembernard Wed 10-Jul-13 21:40:34

i found the same issue hmm with a ds. sky i got a piercinggrin fixed that problem and also helped out the navigationally challengedgrin no need to draw them a map anymore.

hang in there LNM. think you are a bit like me in that you deal with stuff first, then you skate along pretending too be fine because you are determined to be fine. but eventually you will have to grieve properly and admit it really is utterly shit and that you are entitled to feel a bit shit..but if you let yourself be down about it for a bitbit then from there the only way is up. smile or that is my fervent hope.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 22:23:24

I really can't thank you all enough for your support and invaluable advice. Restores my faith in humankind.

I've had a long shower without sustaining a head injury, tidied up, eaten ice cream, spoke to the girls on Skype and just relaxing. Feeling a bit better, still a bit weird and 'floaty' is the only way to describe it.

perfectstorm Wed 10-Jul-13 22:25:05

I'm only lurking, really, but Loser I am so sending you all the good wishes in the world. I wish so much things were fair in this life. You're amazing.

Waterwater Wed 10-Jul-13 22:41:57

That's really good to hear LNM. I am off to bed but Just dropping in to wish you a good night, and hope to catch up on here again tomorrow.

Mumat39 very sweet thing to say to a bloody waffller like me! It's sad but inspiring to read so many of us know and understand how LNM feels. Inspiring because we are all making our way and relieved we found a way to get through.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Jul-13 22:45:29

Sleep well, lnm. xx

toothgenie Thu 11-Jul-13 00:03:08

Another lurker, sending positive thoughts and best wishes. I have followed you from the beginning and you've been an inspiration to me. You are a truly decent human being and your girls are lucky to have such a loving mum.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Jul-13 08:00:30

morning everyone. brew coffee on the side for all who want.

LNM - so glad to hear that you have had a mind shift. I hope the meds kick in soon and work for you. Be kind to yourself, but stay away from the vodka. wink

Waterwater Thu 11-Jul-13 09:28:46

Good morning LNM, jax and all. Thanks, you make a lovely cuppa.

Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance. Mind shifts good but they do shift all over the place, so remember the good ones and get through the bad ones.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 10:01:44

Morning,

Perfectstorm and toothgenie thank you for the kind words.

I'm still in bed, can see a clear blue sky and sunshine out the window. I still can't force myself to get up. I've taken today and tomorrow off work anyway. I just need to find something to motivate me from bed...

buildingmycorestrength Thu 11-Jul-13 10:05:33

You are allowed to stay in bed. No problem. Later you'll get up without thinking about it and it will be fine.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Jul-13 10:08:47

stay in bed, open the windows, let some fresh air in. You dont have to get up if you dont want to. Got a good book? If not, get one.

lazarusb Thu 11-Jul-13 10:13:29

I'm glad yesterday evening was a bit more positive. As others have said, you don't have to end things with JD. If you can keep it as 'just sex', why not? If you feel either of you is developing feelings of a more romantic nature reassess then. You may decide you're ready for that some months down the line, you may not. You may find yourself beating him off with a stick.

Your first week away from the girls was always going to be hard, it wouldn't be normal if it hadn't got you down, but it will get easier as time goes on. Glad you spoke to them on Skype. My ex wouldn't let me have any contact at all with ds when he was with him. Even if I saw them in the street I wasn't supposed to say hello...he really was an arsehole!

Waterwater Thu 11-Jul-13 10:20:33

I agree with everyone - stay in bed and lick your wounds, metaphorically speaking, of course smile.

Really listen to what your body wants and not your mind ifykwim?

As someone said previously your mind isn't your best friend at the moment. Your body wants you to get stronger and it'll know what's best for you - that's probably staying in bed.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 10:46:47

I always feel guilty for lying in bed too long. I got up, needed a cuppa anyway.

JD has text a few times since Monday. I haven't replied but I think he thinks he's done something wrong which he hasnt but I'll speak to him today. If nothing else he's always there to listen. I'm just not going to over think the whole thing.

Waterwater Thu 11-Jul-13 10:54:26

Sounds like an excellent plan. You're very wise not to over think or project yourself into the future. Plan for today and that's your focus. Well done.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 11:05:19

Overthinking is never good, not in my head anyway. Pity there isn't a little switch to turn off.

Lazarus, what a total arsehole your ex is.

mumat39 Thu 11-Jul-13 11:13:41

Morning LNM. So pleased to hear that you have a couple of days off.

Don't feel guilty about not getting up. If you were at work, then nothing would have been done at home until after you got home later anyway.

There are some good apps for relaxing to. Maybe something like that would be a good distraction.

Xxx

lazarusb Thu 11-Jul-13 12:20:24

yep! grin

As far as JD goes, don't feel you have to explain this to him. Tell him you've been busy, preparing to go back to work etc. Maybe reiterate this is a casual, no strings arrangement....he may be surprised to be on the end of a statement like that! grin

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 12:31:26

Thanks mumat39. It's too hot for housework anyway. I'm not used to this heat, it is nice though.

Lazarus, we kind of had that conversation s few weeks ago. We both agreed it was nothing serious yet but in the distant future maybe. He has said he's happy to go at my pace so I'm probably worrying unnecessarily.

MissStrawberry Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:00

Ask him if he is bothered if you don't reply to his texts. What he says will give you a clue as to how he is feeling. Some people say they want no strings etc but find they really fall for the person or can't actually cope with things being casual.

Alwayskeptalidon Thu 11-Jul-13 12:47:34

Enjoy the weather LNM. It's not often like this.

Glad you are feeling a bit better.
Go at your own pace with JD. He seems OK with that.

As for feeling guilty about staying in bed, it seems to happen to us all after we become Mums!

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 13:52:37

I know always what's that all about. I could lie in bed all day pre kids!

MissS I don't think he was bothered as such, more concerned maybe. It's confusing for me. I like him, he's good for me but I'm not used to this. I've only ever been with ex. It's too soon to jump into a relationship and I'd hate to hurt him or set myself up to be hurt. See I'm over thinking again.

lazarusb Thu 11-Jul-13 16:09:03

It was because he's worried about why you aren't responding to texts I said that. It suggests a bit more investment than just FWB to me. However, you know him better than I do!

Just go at your own pace. A good shag is great medicine ime! grin

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 16:49:27

Very true, Lazarus.

I cannot be doing with these mood changes. Feel like I'm going mad. I have too much time to think. I'm wandering around, can't concentrate on one particular thing to occupy my mind. I've never felt in such a dark place.

Waterwater Thu 11-Jul-13 17:34:14

Did the gp go through the checklist I mentioned?

Have you been depressed ever before? Been to gp about it. I'm just wondering how much you know about depression is reason I'm asking. The more you know and see how many of the ticks you are ticking you might make more sense of things you feel?

I expect you know one of the most common aspects of depression is a loss of pleasure in things you were able to previously enjoy.

For instance I was always very much into music and humming a tune. Loved reading. Those things slowly ebbed away until I was at the stage of genuinely not understanding the point of listening to music? What's the point? That was the most common thought I had.

Readingdidnt happen because there was no point obviously! But also I would never have had the concentration.

Brain on the one hand flits from thing to thing and not concentrate but on the other hand I could concentrate for hours on black thoughts.

Although I knew all these things it didn't actually dawn on me I was depressed. I kept thinking it was in my control and tomorrow things would seem better. It was when I finally accepted I wasn't going to do that without bit of help that I went to gp.

D

Do read the leaflet in your tab box. Very important to know that some people react in first few weeks and have blacker thoughts almost to a compulsive feeling. I know someone that this happened to. It's very important to speak out if you find that happening to you.

Sorry if loads of typos on my phone.

lazarusb Thu 11-Jul-13 18:46:27

When I had depression I felt like I was constantly under a blanket, struggling to get out. A bit like swimming through treacle, trying hard and getting nowhere. Nowadays when I have a dip (like last week), I recognise it immediately and can find ways to pick myself up again. I'm acutely conscious of it at times.

The good news is you will get through this. You are a great, loving Mum and a fabulous and amazing woman and this is a blip - a bloody nasty one but a blip all the same - in the path that is your life. In the meantime, ask for help - if your friends ask how you are, tell them! Keep posting here. Read any info about depression you can, it can make things clearer.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Jul-13 21:19:35

Water, no chekist, just 2 or 3 questions the he done the prescriptin.

Thank you both.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Jul-13 21:32:11

AARGH! just lost my long post.

The point was, 'this' affects us in different ways, but we all have the 'black cloud' symptom. I struggled to do anything, but felt agitated at not doing anything. Didnt WANT to go/do stuff, but didnt want to be in the house. Couldnt concentrate to read/music/cook.

Awful. But Im better now. So much better.

MissStrawberry Thu 11-Jul-13 21:40:06

You aren't over thinking things. You are right to be cautious but don't be too hesitant. JD might turn out to be the one. Just keep talking to him and being honest with yourself and what will be will be.

imtheonlyone Thu 11-Jul-13 21:48:10

I'm always astonished, when getting to know people better, how many people I know who've had anti depressants or have dealt with depression either for themselves or a partner.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, just something to help you through a really bad time in your life. That's how I looked at it and for me that's what it was. I knew when I was ready to start to come off them, and it was fairly quick when it happened.

But boy did it help. I don't think I would ever have managed without them. And it was great for the weight loss too smile esp the first couple of weeks!

Jax - I know that feeling having lost a post you've spent ages typing out angry what a pain angryangry

I've given up tonight and we've had a chippy tea and cracked open a bottle of wine. Since I flipped out over his lack of help round the house, DP has been over attentive, got a pandora charm and he's been really really helpful!!!! I must flip out more often winkgrin

Waterwater Thu 11-Jul-13 21:50:30

Good night LNM - catch up with you again tomorrow

Alwayskeptalidon Thu 11-Jul-13 23:00:17

Night night LNM.

Try to get some sleep.

Bless you.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 12-Jul-13 06:33:46

Morning!
I'm hoping it is another cooler day today...

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Jul-13 07:34:01

morning everyone. brew brew brew flowers

Its Friday. LNM - any plans for weekend? How are you feeling now?

Im meeting a friend today, havent seen her for ages, she moved away for a year and is now back!

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 07:51:30

Good morning all. How are you? Was wondering which anti d was prescribed. I had v bad reaction to proZac. I'm on mirtazapime which is one that's good for sleep too. Helps establish a routine.

I was prescribed another one which can't remember name of but it did absolutely nothing. I was literally willing it to work but seemed like I was on a
Sugar tablet!

PyroclasticFlo Fri 12-Jul-13 08:29:19

LNM I havne't been on your thread for a while and horrified to read it this morning and see how low you are / have been.

Just wanted to send huge, huge hugs to you and say well done for getting yourself to the Dr's. I hope things start to work soon and in the meantime just rest and be kind to yourself.

You've been through so much my love, and there are so many of us willing you on and sending you our love.

HUGS]

siezethenight Fri 12-Jul-13 08:56:46

lmn As above, I also have not been on thread for a while and read this one this morning with sad
You have got to give yourself time to grieve for the relationship and the future you thought you had. Its all changed and we as humans, don't generally take to change too well. We have to adjust. It takes time, especially when its been such a huge change. An emotional change that hurts.
Your ex is a bastard, pure and simple and although its tough to see it right now in your fog of pain and depression - you are far, far better off out of it all. He will go on to hurt another woman little doubt about it but he can not ever hurt you again. You have to hold on to that and pull yourself up a little bit.
The hurt this man has caused to you is disgusting. You can't get off scott free with hurting another person, you soon get your turn. Remember life has a funny way of dealing out payback and concentrate rather on him and his behaviour but on yourself and your healing and moving on.

That's it really - I shall scuttle back off to no-man's land now and leave you with your good posters here. Listen to them - they are right in all they say. I wish you good luck.

Conina Fri 12-Jul-13 09:12:19

LNM - I'm a lurker too, and rarely post, but I want to tell you that it sounds like you're fighting your way through the storm. (Which sounds wrong in bright sunlight but I'm still drinking coffee and not yet eloquent).

What an utter prat your ex was to have screwed something up with you - you've behaved with dignity and a decency that Id be hard pressed to summon - which is a testament to your love for your girls. Sorry if that is all a bit full on...

The ADs made me feel quite spaced out - try to take the opportunity to just give your thinking a rest. I felt like I was somehow surrendering and just 'being' for a while. I was exhausted with thinking unhappiness all the time. All a bit 'woo' I suppose but honestly, shhing the relentless monologue of questions in my head was appreciated!

flowers

lazarusb Fri 12-Jul-13 10:11:33

imtheonlyone I'm glad your dp is being a bit more appreciative. Can I amend the toblerone cheesecake recipe a bit please? I felt it needed something crunchy as I like texture so we smashed up a Daim bar and sprinkled it on top - it works really well....also added whipped cream and strawberries (because we're pigs & were celebrating!).

LNM I hope the ADs are beginning to kick in a little bit and you're slowly beginning to feel lighter. When are the girls coming home? I bet they've missed you as much as you've missed them. Don't feel downhearted if he's been the 'Disney dad' this week either, it's all part of the game they play. Take care.

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 11:04:43

Hi LNM if you get chance just drop us a hi. I know you may feel like just being quiet at the moment, but just a hi to keep in touch would be good.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 11:15:27

Morning,

Water, it's Fluoxetine I have. Can't wait for the side effects to kick in hmm Sounds like fun! I've been reading up and I know the effects don't last forever but still apprehensive.

Thanks for all your posts and delurkers for support and advice too thanks

Girls are back on Sunday, seems like ages. No plans, might just potter around the garden. Was going to start a vegetable patch in the garden but don't know where to start...maybe a trip to Homebase for some pointers. I don't really do gardening but it's something to do outside too.

Sounds like fun Jax, have a good day.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 11:18:32

Took me so long to post that, Water. I x posted with you.

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 11:27:14

Hi there. I don't know how it works in general but for me the ones I'm on, and that worked for me, didn't cause any side effects at all.

The leaflet didn't make fun reading, but I was prepared and didn't get any. Don't know if there's a correlation there or not. Ie whether other people have had terrible side effects and then gone on to be really happy on the ones they are using.

So you might be lucky and not get side effects like me. Only one I did get was the one previously alluded to. And I was mighty pissed off! However, that then disappeared after a few weeks as settled in my system I guess.

Trial and error to get to the ones that suit you. Did you contact JD in the end?

lazarusb Fri 12-Jul-13 11:28:03

I'd love to give you advice about gardening but I'm completely, hopelessly shit at it. I think I may have even killed my roses and I've been told that's impossible. hmm

Orchidlady Fri 12-Jul-13 11:34:23

LNM, have followed you thread so hope you don't mind me joining in ,sorry to hear you are feeling bad at the moment but you have been through so much. Well if you need any pointers on gardening I would be glad to help, I find it very therapeutic, your girls would love it.

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 11:51:55

The gardening is an excellent idea even the seriously cack handed (me).

When I was in a similar situation to you about 15 years ago now and split from dh everything was grey. Looking back don't think I was depressed I was in shock.

Anyway, when I got to the stage of trying to pick myself up I thought of cheering garden up. Pots with 'cute' and cheerful flowers did wonders. Normally can't say I'd have taken any notice of flowers at all. But I remember back to that time and going home to check on my little fifi flowertots in the garden did give me a focus.

I think when everything has lost its shine is when really cheerful cutsie kind of flowers are the only things bright enough to notice. Think it takes us back to our childhood when we were smaller, down near the flowers height and seeing everything for the first time. There's something therapeutic about it.

If you're not thinking I'm nuts yet ! Think back to some really cheery flowers you remember from playing ouyltside on a sunny day when you were a child. Or of course, if you're not mad like me then there's plenty of proper grown up flowers too!

When I said thinking back I wasn't depressed, I was in shock is something wanted you to think about. The depression that I've taken medication for is , I think, actually a culmination of different knocks over my adult life that just wore me down.

I think you may find similar with you. Things like the massive shock of you being there trying to save your step father etc. the worrying about your mum etc.

It may be lots of little bumps along the way have led you to feel how you do today. This is why you need to be kind to yourself and not think - oh other people just get on with it. Everyone's back history comes crashing through their protection barrier when another blow comes their way.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 12:11:58

Thanks OrchidLady, of course I don't mind. I'm hoping an Idiots Guide to Gardening exists. I'm the same Lazarus, I kill house plants merely by being in their presence!

Water, I spoke to JD just now. He has a day off so he's coming over. May rope him in on the gardening front.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 12:15:59

Water, I think youre right, it is a culmination of everything. I've just ignored my real feelings about it and made out I can cope when really all it's done has come back and bit me on the arse.

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 12:26:37

Speak again soon. Hope you have a good day x

Orchidlady Fri 12-Jul-13 13:04:57

LOL, LNM I think you should also get some flowers. Go grab some Petunias, compost and some plant food. And water each day, really you could not kill them promise. Easy veg, Courgettes. Grow really quickly and look great. Am always here for gardening tips. Have a great day

PyroclasticFlo Fri 12-Jul-13 14:08:57

LNM I think gardening is a great idea, it's definitely one of the two things that keep me sane and always lifts my spirits. Maybe try some simple salad things that grow quickly so you get results fast - radishes and mixed leaves / lettuces are dead easy and will germinate in a day or two in this weather. And if you want bright flowers nasturtiums are very quick and easy to grow and you can even be posh and put the flowers in your salad! wink

The other thing that helps my sanity is writing a journal - maybe it would help you too? To have a place where it's completely safe to write out how you really feel and what you really want rather than the 'public' face you have to put on for others and the 'brave' face you have to put on for the DDs. Somewhere you can be yourself and hear yourself think, admit things to yourself, say the things to yourself that you can't say to anyone else.

If you do try it, make sure it's always a 'safe' space i.e. that you're always kind to yourself when you're writing, and that it's kept somewhere that you know no-one else can find it. I find it unbelievably therapeutic, and it's free grin.

Hope you're feeling a bit brighter today. flowers

lazarusb Fri 12-Jul-13 14:13:11

Hope you work that man hard LNM! grin (I'm so shallow - don't you feel sorry for my dh!).

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 14:16:14

I've located my nearest garden centre so going shortly. We are going for a detour to the beach so that'll put a smile on my face smile

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 14:16:55

Ha Lazarus, filth!

Thanks Flo

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Jul-13 14:45:14

Hello ladies grin see you've been busy this morning wink

Lazarus you've made me laugh - that sounds like a superb amendment to the toblerone cheesecake - may have to go and get the ingredients for it now!!! Including the cream and strawberries lol!

LNM - beach and garden centre sounds good! I'm pleased to hear you're off out with JD. You can't beat a good sea breeze in this sunshine for lifting the spirits! The man is just a bonus grin. Hope you have a fab time

Afraid I have no gardening tips at all - I too kill things as soon as they enter my possession!! I'm a carer and had to go and buy and plant some dahlias for this old man I look after. I've just been there this morning and I'm pleased to say that 10 days on and they're still, thankfully, alive!!!!! My own garden is a sorry mess!!

Hope you all have some lovely plans for the weekend!

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Jul-13 14:47:36

Anyone heard from SAF or little esme?

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 15:21:02

SAF is on holiday in Egypt envy LittleEsme, has been mad bust at work I think sad Hopefully she will check in soon.

On way to garden centre, JD is lost but won't admit it. I'm pretending to be oblivious and let him get on with it. I was taking the sat nav to the car and not only did I drop it I kicked it accidentally across the car park, oops!

Can't beat the beach, fish n chips, ice cream and watching the waves. Only thing missing is the girls. JD has a calming influence on me. I just feel untroubled by everything when I'm with him. Wtf!

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 15:36:16

Also, Cabbage/HWA. Hope you're alright too.

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Jul-13 16:33:23

Maybe they haven't found new thread yet? Thanks for the updates on others grin

That's great that he has a calming influence on you. Probably just what you need lovely. Enjoy yourself and smile smile. Smiling and laughing really is good for the soul grin. as is sex, chocolate, ice cream and fish and chips!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Jul-13 16:34:48

hmmm, so JD has a nice affect on you. That is NOT a bad thing. That is a good thing. Take it, store it, FEEL it.

Now... all the yukky stuff that you have stashed under the rug HAS to come out at some point, get sorted, boxed, binned and moved on. Counselling will help, ADs will help and just acknowledging things and knowing how you can/will react helps. There comes a time when you just cannot ignore it any longer. It (emotions) ends up erupting like a volcano and then wont stop unless its dealt with properly. Trust me, Ive been there, done that, got the t shirt. I have also worked through it, found the light and got out of the tunnel of shit. IT can be done.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 12-Jul-13 17:48:55

I'm jealous of your beach trip!
I tried growing vegetables. Then I found out fruit was so much easier but maybe I'm just too lazy!

pmgkt Fri 12-Jul-13 19:26:07

Lnm I have no experience to help you but I was concerned at the end of the last post but glad things have moved forward. Re JD stick with enjoying it, have something happy but don't put the pressure on yourself of ifs and maybes and futures. Just go with the flow

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 20:57:56

LNM realy good to see you are busy having fun time today. The JD thing makes sense to be cautious but when I read today how you said he makes you feel - well I think you just have to accept a bit of serendipity when it comes your way, girl.

When things feel right, that's what it feels like : effortless. In fact it feels so easy you could be fooled into thinking that feeling is easy to come by. It certainly isn't though.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 21:17:24

Well we didn't get to the garden centre. Ended up in a nice little seaside town. Decided spur of the moment to book into a little B&B. Made a trip to Tesco for some essentials underwear and spent the rest of the time sitting on the beach. Considering the crappiest days I've just had its a welcome break and good to be away from the house for a night. JD having a shower and we are just heading out for a bit. Certainly beats sitting in on my own feeling sorry for myself.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Jul-13 21:25:00

Oh and I will be going to the garden centre tomorrow, going to get started on the vegetable patch when I get home.

Waterwater Fri 12-Jul-13 21:37:04

Really happy for you. Life as it should be : spontaneous and fun. Sounds romantic in the proper sense of the word ie about enjoying your time together.

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Jul-13 23:23:04

grin Yay! Good for you! Just what you needed! wink

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Jul-13 01:20:27

sad

tightfortime Sat 13-Jul-13 01:37:45

What's up?

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Jul-13 08:20:52

You ok LNM? envy

buildingmycorestrength Sat 13-Jul-13 08:29:55

Hi LNM. Feeling blue? These are difficult times.

Waterwater Sat 13-Jul-13 09:16:01

LNM ?

lazarusb Sat 13-Jul-13 10:34:08

Please check in. However you're feeling, there's always someone here.

Waterwater Sat 13-Jul-13 10:56:00

Ups and downs are par for the course. Let us now how you are , just even a hi.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Jul-13 14:52:23

You ok?

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Jul-13 14:56:54

I hope you're busy gardening and that's why you've not had chance to check in.

I'm just off to make myself and DP if he's lucky a toblerone cheesecake grin

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sat 13-Jul-13 16:59:53

Hey, LNM, what's up?

MissStrawberry Sat 13-Jul-13 18:15:39

LNM - if you post sad at half one in the morning and then don't return people are going to worry about you.

Post by all means but let people know what you need. If you just need to post sad and nothing else and don't want a response then let people know.

No one wants you sad alone.

Waterwater Sat 13-Jul-13 20:21:16

I keep checking backs. Would just assume you are busy and don't have phone charged, except for the blue face message. Can't help worrying. Do just give us a nod, eh?

lazarusb Sat 13-Jul-13 22:32:42

Bumping again. Hope you're ok LNM x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Jul-13 22:39:21

also just checking in before I head off to bed. LNM hope you are ok, and had a nice weekend. Despite the sad face.

Could it be that tablets interrupted a 'nice time'?

Waterwater Sat 13-Jul-13 23:01:18

Good night x

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Jul-13 23:06:44

Night all. Am in cheesecake heaven gringringringringrinwink

ChipsNEggs Sat 13-Jul-13 23:42:11

Oi! I've logged in on dial up to check you're ok as our villages cables have been nicked again and 3G connection is non existant, we're lucky if we get a mobile signal. How did we ever think this was acceptable?

You don't need to explain yourself, just let us know you're ok. We care and you do matter.

Alwayskeptalidon Sun 14-Jul-13 00:54:30

Me too*LNM*, let us know you are OK,

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 14-Jul-13 09:06:12

I am going to make this bloody cheesecake soon, I am desperate for a bit, but it may be like when I make millionaire shortbread - its TOO good and it all gets scoffed so I dont make it again for years.

LNM - just check in, we care, we want to know how you are. <hug>

When we go on holiday end July I will be in a place with hardly any signal for internet or mobile. Its quite nice, until you want to do something that uses internet.

Leaves lots of lovely coffee brew for those in need.

Waterwater Sun 14-Jul-13 10:03:18

Good morning - hope to hear from you today

haribogal Sun 14-Jul-13 19:34:52

Long time lurker just writing to say please check in LNM. I've followed your threads from the start and you can't see it as you are IN IT but you HAVE come such a long way and are such an inspiration. You are in a dark place but you WILL come out the other side. Please don't give up.

perfectstorm Sun 14-Jul-13 20:16:30

Thinking of you, LNM.

Waterwater Sun 14-Jul-13 20:36:07

Me too. When you are ready to speak again there will be someone here. X

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 13:51:26

Shit, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to worry anyone. I'm ok, I've just not been able to get online all weekend for various reasons. I'm on A/L from work this week and next so just enjoying time with dd's.

Also need to try and get into interview mode for interview later. I thought about cancelling it but I really want it and I'd regret not going.

Sorry again thanks

MissStrawberry Mon 15-Jul-13 13:53:01

Good luck for your interview.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 15-Jul-13 14:09:53

Hello LNM! REALLY good luck with the interview today! Hope it goes brilliantly.

ChipsNKetchup Mon 15-Jul-13 14:16:08

We're all worriers here and just glad to see you're alright.

Good luck with the interview, I'm sure you'll be brilliant. My top tip is to not feel like you have to start answering the question immediately, take a second to gather your thoughts and then give a more considered answer. Its certainly stopped me from spouting some crap in the past - in interviews anyway, I spout a lot of crap elsewhere blush

Waterwater Mon 15-Jul-13 14:20:03

Good luck! Glad to hear you've been busy smile

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 14:21:10

Thank you, I never get nervous at interviews for some reason but I feel sick with nerves today! It's at 4.45pm so trying to keep calm

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 14:36:16

Ha Chips, I'm scared my mind goes totally blank and I don't know what to say, long silences are never good.

mumat39 Mon 15-Jul-13 14:44:47

Good Luck LNM!

Glad to see you back. Hope you're having lots of fun with your DD's.

whitesugar Mon 15-Jul-13 15:02:09

Bring in some notes with you and leave on table in front of you. If you go blank just stay cool and say I am a little nervous and am just going to check my notes to make sure I cover everything. I do this and even if I don't use them it calms me knowing they are there. Good luck!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 15-Jul-13 15:21:58

Good to hear from you, LNM!
Good luck with the interview. Remember silences always seem much longer to you than they really are!

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 16:24:59

Thanks for the tip, not an ideal day for an interview, I'm hot and sweaty and my hay fever is terrible! Grr.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 15-Jul-13 16:55:17

good luck with interview. Glad all ok, just busy. But dont feel you have to post if you dont want to, we were all just worried after your sad late at night.

Wear something that you feel comfortable but cool in, hopefully where you are going will have air con.

Just catching up with you.
Well.... You're in the interview now! Eeekkk...
Hope it went really well.
Let us know how you got on.
Keep it all going, you'll get there!

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 17:46:33

Holy shit that was intense! Think it went ok, I had literally no saliva in my mouth and it was so hot. 3 people interviewing me but I answered every question. I'll find out this week'

buildingmycorestrength Mon 15-Jul-13 18:53:24

You got through it and it sounds like you did well! Fingers crossed for you.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 15-Jul-13 19:09:15

You answered every question? That's just blown my theory out of the window - that there is always one question that you (I) blank on!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 15-Jul-13 19:10:13

glad it went well. now, treat yourself to something nice this evening.

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 19:17:30

Miffy, probably answered wrong though.

Oh well, what will be will be. Honestly I don't think I'll get it. There are loads of people in for it.

A treat sounds good Jax, Ben and Jerrys it is.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 15-Jul-13 19:21:46

ooh, whats your fave flavour?

I am a fan of choc brownie, phish food and cherry garcia. Actually, B&J (not to be confused with any other kind of B or J) are my two favourite virtual males in the world.

Dont think you can answer interview Q's 'wrongly' - its your interpretation of the answer... so long as you didnt answer in the style of that Randoms advert I think you'll be fine. wink

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 19:26:31

Ha I definitely didn't spout Random stuff, that I can remember. What is the best answer to 'What are your weaknesses'? I always fear I'm going to turn into Spud from Trainspotting at his interview.

Choc Brownie is the best, Phish Food 2nd. Not keen on fruit in ice cream at all.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 15-Jul-13 19:44:07

Can't do anything about it now so I agree, bring on the ice cream and forget about it!
grin

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 15-Jul-13 21:01:40

well the 'funny' answer is "I am very honest" - interviewer says, I dont think honesty is a weakness and interviewee says "I dont give a flying fuck what you think!"

<boom tish>

ChipsNKetchup Mon 15-Jul-13 21:14:38

That's my most hated interview question! I love Jax's answer and if I was the interviewer I'd give them the job, but that's probably why they don't let me do grown up stuff at work.

imtheonlyone Mon 15-Jul-13 21:32:05

Evening all!! Good to hear from you again LNM - did you get any gardening done??

Well done on the interview grin fingers crossed for you.

Choc brownie all the way for me. But personally I would choose Belgian chocolate Haagen Daaz any day!!!!

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:33:48

Just wanted to wish you thwarting bedtime of luck.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:35:01

So sorry-bloody phone!!

That was meant to be

Waterwater Mon 15-Jul-13 22:07:17

How are you feeling LNM? Have you had any side effects?

LoserNoMore Mon 15-Jul-13 23:12:37

Imtheonlyone, no gardening done yet, that's my mission this week.

Thanks Shelly.

Nothing major, Water. Apart from wanting to sleep at really inconvenient times.

Waterwater Mon 15-Jul-13 23:17:23

Night LNM hope to catch up tomorrow. X

ChipsNKetchup Mon 15-Jul-13 23:50:49

Feeling sleepy at strange times or a bit sick is par for the course. It should settle in a couple of weeks. If you feel strange mentally though its worth seeing your doctor again, AD's are not one size fits all, sometimes you need to try several before you find what works best.

Hello just checking in. Glad you had a little getaway with the man and everything crossed for getting the new job.

Lovely here but also looking forward to seeing my dogs and shock horror a little less sunshine. Very much hoping for decent weather there but was over 40 degrees here yesterday which kind of saps you.

Big waves to all

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 16-Jul-13 07:34:44

morning everyone, its going to be another v hot one here. 32C! I struggle, I love the heat, the sun and everything related, but I need breeze. And it is very still here.

leaving brew for everyone.

Waterwater Tue 16-Jul-13 08:54:30

Hi, hope you are ok. you said you had some things on at moment. Did you want to talk about that today or still need time to think?

imtheonlyone Tue 16-Jul-13 11:43:54

Hello all, thanks for the daily brew Jax!!
SAF - good to hear from you, hope you had a nice break and it managed to take your mind off things for a bit.
LNM - I felt so sick during the first two weeks of my tablets, I lost nearly a stone!!! Not the best diet to recommend though! I'm sure the heat isn't helping with the tiredness either. I don't know about you lot but I'm so tired in the mornings I'm really struggling to drag myself out of bed!!

Could also have something to do with the non stop activities during the day!! Last night was making and decorating gingerbread men people for today's school fair!!! The fun never stops grin

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 16-Jul-13 12:52:47

imtheonly I hope your icing sets in this heat. grin And welcome re coffee. Im a disaster without a few a proper coffee in the morning.

LNM - hope you hear re interview soon. What you doing with kiddies today?

LoserNoMore Tue 16-Jul-13 14:05:12

Nice to hear from you SAF. Over 40 degrees would kill me, in fact over 30!

Imtheonlyone, I can't get out of bed either, thankfully dd's are the same. 10.30 we were up this morning.

Been swimming Jax, thinking about going to see Monsters University later, not sure.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 16-Jul-13 15:49:31

its over 30 here and I have retreated inside with a fan and tub of phish food, im hot, its making me grumpy and hayfever is kicking in because everything is still.

LoserNoMore Tue 16-Jul-13 17:48:12

It's only around 22 degrees here, that's just nice for me. Good excuse for ice cream though.

ChipsNKetchup Tue 16-Jul-13 20:06:34

I want ice cream now!

I don't do the heat well, or the cold, I'm a proper miserable cah most of the time.

9pm and 39 degrees here. So glad our apartment has air conditioning. Crossing fingers the good weather there stays. Sporting an embarrassingly red face tonight

LoserNoMore Tue 16-Jul-13 21:07:57

I bloody hate evenings, I'm always fine during the day but my mood just drops dramatically at night.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Tue 16-Jul-13 22:22:13

Yeah I know what you mean. It's a classic time to feel shit. Early bedtime?

Fairenuff Wed 17-Jul-13 08:29:01

The mornings are so lovely and fresh though LNM. I think this 'early to bed, early to rise' lark is not such a bad idea after all. Those old wives knew what they were talking about grin

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 17-Jul-13 09:44:27

Im not so early to bed, but early to rise, especially in summer. In Winter I am early to bed cant get out of it in the morning. grin

Leaving lots of brew for all.

LNM - the evenings are the worst for everyone when things are on your mind. <wee hug>

imtheonlyone Wed 17-Jul-13 21:40:47

I remember my friend saying how awful she found the evenings. She tried to find herself a little hobby - but had no idea what to do! She ended up doing online courses and found a new lease of life!

I totally understand that they are the worst time - too much time on your own to sit and think confused.

If all else fails - there's always mumsnet!!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 18-Jul-13 07:54:14

morning, hope you are busy with kiddies and not got time for MN - I cant wait to get up to Scotland to see everyone.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 18-Jul-13 15:49:05

Hey LNM, just wanted to check in. Hope all okay. I have melted, sadly.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 19-Jul-13 08:21:49

hi everyone, LNM hope you are ok. brew flowers

I slept well last night, managed to keep upstairs quite cool, but feel like I havent slept enough... no chance of sleep during the day, just cant do it unless Im ill.

But so glad its the weekend.

morning all. home after an epic journey and man is it nice to come home to sunshine for once. used to always go away in winter and coming home would feel like hitting a very dark and painful brick wall. this time it's actually nice to be back though i feel a bit lonely already twattishly. ds is hanging out at grannies for a couple of hours so i can get a start on the house and sorting before we go pick up the dogs. not used to having any time alone or sitting in a house anymore even after two weeks. i have the front door wide open to avoid claustrophobia.

on the evenings front i find i get into american series that i missed whilst being too busy with a baby or actually having a life and hey presto there's a whole five series back catalogue to work your way through. must confess most nights by the time i put ds to bed i'm ready to crawl into my own and watch crap on the laptop till sleep time.

BUT other people do crazy shit like get babysitters and go out and take up hobbies and crazy shit like that. i'm thinking that's probably a better strategy. shagging some guy who makes you feel ace and isn't putting any pressure on sounds like a pretty good hobby to me LNM so maybe keep on with that whilst it's fun.

pretty quiet on here. hope everyone is doing well. my appointment with the consultant and tests etc is on monday. have managed to put it out of my mind over the holiday and even now don't feel stressed. worrying won't make a bit of difference.

i thought you guys were exaggerating about sunshine but fair play it's only 10 or so and already looking like a lovely day. long may it last.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 19-Jul-13 11:56:05

SAF Glad you all home safe. Told you it's hot! But no aircon or pool here.

That's a good frame of mind to be in re hospital appt on Monday. X

imtheonlyone Sat 20-Jul-13 18:55:54

Hope everyone is well

wine All round smile

I've had a busy day on a deserted beach with four boys and a good friend grin

Shattered. Bring on the cider wink

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 21-Jul-13 21:52:53

got a banging headache, too much sun and not enough liquid today. Was lovely though, super busy, had a bbq - DS girlfriend came over and she is a nice girl. How did I end up with teenager? Who has a girlfriend? When did I get to be 'old and grown up'

LoserNoMore Sun 21-Jul-13 22:39:12

Hi,

LoserNoMore Sun 21-Jul-13 22:43:05

Stupid phone.

Hi, I decided to go and visit my friend for a few days and left phone/laptop at home. Had a lovely time away now back to reality.

I hope you're all well. I'm getting used to this weather now, it's great.

I'm feeling ok on the tablets, was a bit down when I arrived home this evening, just the usual back to reality feelings probably.

imtheonlyone Sun 21-Jul-13 22:55:59

Hi, must have been nice to 'get away from it all'. When are your dd's home? Wasn't it a week they were gone for?

Good to hear that you're feeling ok - probably very normal to feel down coming home to reality - who doesn't?!

Hope everyone had been enjoying the weather - quite unbelievably hot for the uk!! Was cooler here today and yesterday - honestly a welcome relief as Friday was quite unbearable!

Has JD been in touch whilst you were away? Any plans to meet up?

LoserNoMore Sun 21-Jul-13 23:01:26

They girls came back last week, I went away in Wednesday morning. Was so good spending time with them, I missed them so much when they were with ex. I always feel worse when they are with him. It's like a constant reminder of everything that's happened.

It's still as warm here, not as warm as down south. Think it was around 26 degrees today. I managed to get all my washing dried in about 2 hours when I got home.

It's to be just as warm tomorrow so we are going for a full day at the beach, can't wait!

ChipsNKetchup Sun 21-Jul-13 23:18:15

I think that would be the worst thing, you didn't do anything wrong so why do you have to lose out too. Its so bloody hard.

Glad you enjoyed the break, one of the things I liked most about being in a remote part of Scotland was the lack of connectivity, it was hard for a day and then it just became peaceful as I realised I didn't need to respond to texts, check the net constantly. It's a much more relaxed way to be instead of being plugged in constantly. Plus 99.9999999% of the time, there is bugger all you could do in a crisis anyway.

Have a lovely time on the beach, I expect sea glass reports!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 22-Jul-13 08:04:03

enjoy the beach! I cant wait to get 'home' next week. Ooh actually end of this week, but we arent going to parents, we are up North of Scotland and no phone where we are staying, but sporadic internet when out and about. I love it.

I dont even care if its sunny, dry would be nice, but we will have fun anyway. grin

Glad you had a lovely time at friends, enjoy the beach.

LoserNoMore Mon 22-Jul-13 13:37:23

Imtheonlyone, I haven't spoken to JD much the past week. We are going to meet up on Friday though.

I haven't heard about the job I went for the interview for last week. They said the would let me know by the end of last week. It's so annoying. My friend said I should call them but I'm not sure? Do people generally do that. I hate waiting but I can probably assume I didn't get it. I have no voicemails on mobile or landline so didn't miss a call when I was away. I just want to know for sure.

LoserNoMore Mon 22-Jul-13 16:02:49

SAF, how did your appointment go?

buildingmycorestrength Mon 22-Jul-13 17:48:20

LNM do call...to ask for any feedback. Standard practice. And a nice way of reminding them you exist. grin.

imtheonlyone Mon 22-Jul-13 19:02:53

Yeah, I would call - and defo ask for feedback. I find it hard to do but useful smile

I'm sweating today - not stopped yet all day. Worked till 2.30 then went to school to run my little after school cooking club then into town to buy leaving gifts for teachers then big mossers shop. Got home put it all away and only now managing to get myself a drink whilst the boys' dinner is cooking!!! Got cubs treasure hunt to sort once boys are in bed!!!! Why do I do it all?!?!?!!!! confused

a long and bullshit story that i just don't have the energy to tell tonight i'm afraid. especially as i popped into a 'family' pub where kids are welcome and where ds was happily playing on the bouncy castle and then having a game of pool with another boy his age and all was well until some misogynistic twat decided to reign forth his judgement on me for having my child in a pub. note he didn't decide to do that to the women whose children were there who had husbands or boyfriends with him but targeted the one without 'a man'. this from a man standing in a pub pissing away money who wouldn't have a clue what his kids were doing at that moment because his lovely long suffering wifie takes care of all of that.

if anyone has any advice on growing a thicker skin and not giving a shit about what complete arseholes say to them please do share.

i hate myself for giving a shit. they guy is a total wanker yet i let him throw me into shame and wanting to cry afterwards because i have those buttons.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 22-Jul-13 21:35:59

SAF you need to read the Dr Brene Brown book - on Shame!

How dare he have a go at you, so what if the kids are in the pub. Its a lovely evening.

How did your appointment go today?

thanks jax. had a look at her ted talks and have ordered a couple of books. i have also, rightly or wrongly we shall see, made an appointment with a counsellor. i seem to be struggling at the minute - not all the time but little things seem to trigger a huge amount of shame and vulnerability and fear that is really not nice and making me feeling very alone. not a great believer in counselling but have to try something and hope just getting some stuff out might help.

appointment was a bit of a nightmare - total, middle aged male god complex cliche type consultant who actually fucking gaslighted me making out i must be confused and upset when in fact i was actually quite clearly neither of those things but just logically disagreeing with him. what i have may indicate other stuff going on that would be cancer in need of treatment, may indicate that it's just this and we can watch and wait or may indicate pre-cancer. the only way to know is to have a full screening including a mammogram but the nhs dictates that i can wait till 40 for that due to statistically the risk of there being more going on only becomes financially imperative at 40+. i've challenged it and pointed out i'm not a statistic but a person and a mother of a six year old child and i can't wait 3 years to find out if i have cancer and he is going to bring it up at the team meeting on thursday and discuss my case properly with the pathologist who saw the carcinoma (who he hadn't gotten round to talking to) but it is looking likely i will have to find the cash to do it privately. was all a bit depressing and upsetting and luckily the nurse was lovely and talked to me afterwards reassuring me what i said was perfectly rational and my friend sat in on it too so was able to reassure me the gaslighting was his shit not mine.

god sorry - long splurge of a post as i seem to be in emotional wreck state today. wrong place for it - sorry lnm.

lazarusb Tue 23-Jul-13 16:35:54

Is this a good time to get health insurance SAF, before any diagnosis? I agree you shouldn't have to wait or pay for it either. No wonder you're feeling a bit vulnerable. Ignore the knobend in the pub - what an absolute idiot. I bet he's either single or there's a very miserable woman at home (hoping he won't be back soon).

LoserNoMore Tue 23-Jul-13 18:20:15

SAF, I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. The guy at the pub is nothing but a bully. I wish I had tips for dealing with people like him but I don't. I need a thicker skin too.

Going private does sound like a good option when faced with doctors like that. Why in gods name would you wait 3 years! Bloody hell.

I'm well and truly hacked off today. Everything's pissing me off. I wouldn't even know where to start. Ex is driving me nuts, the girls are at his tonight so trying to avoid the Echo Falls in the fridge screaming my name.

having wine here but trying not to guzzle despite temptation. won't help.

guy is a bully and basically a misogynistic who hasn't the balls to pick on women whose partners might belt him one but happy to do it to the woman alone. his wife is absolutely lovely, i was stunned when i found out they were married and she actually put up with the egotistical twat.

the 3yrs is nhs funding stuff - as in women don't screened till 50 because that's where they have balanced the risk/cost analysis. if you do have rogue cells like this (even though in x% of women further screening shows it's comorbid with a more advanced cancer) then they let you start from 40 instead. i asked the guy if i was just 20 would he be saying the same, as in wait 20 years and he said yes. it's the only thing that materially motivates me actually - the idea of being able to afford the healthcare you need when you need it rather than be cap in hand to the nhs. my sister had a lump not long back and the doctor actually said 'yes, it's a lump and it 'could' be cancer but as you're under 50 we have to wait 6months to see whether it goes away and if it's still there we'll give you a mammogram'. it is unbelievable how much they are governed by rules that are all about costs. sorry - another mini rant.

lnm how about setting yourself a limit of one/two glasses and not having one till after you've had a relaxing bath for example and seeing if you still actually feel like it?

btw - rationally i know the guy was/is just a twat and i shouldn't let it get to me but it doesn't happen at the rational level unfortunately. i was kind of raised on shame, guilt and a combo of emotional neglect punctuated with verbal abuse. seems like even now, or weirdly perhaps even more now, it is easy to trigger me into that shamed, whale shit on the bottom of the ocean state. the counter of it is that i get over defensive and put on a big tough front whist inside crumbling. twattishness and i hate it but can't seem to magic or rationalise it away.

lazarusb Tue 23-Jul-13 18:32:26

Hi LNM, sorry to hear you're having a bad day. If it makes you feel any better I got soaked today, wearing a very thin red top. I'd just been to my bi-annual hairdresser appointment too so looked like a bloody poodle by the time I got home. I walked past a neighbour who stood at his door laughing at me!

Exes are meant to drive you nuts btw, once they've been kicked to the kerb it's all they can do. I haven't seen mine for 5 glorious years but the very mention of his name (even in relation to other people!) pisses me off grin I comfort myself knowing the very fact I'm alive and happy annoys him even more! wink

oh and another btw - apologies for all the bad language - stress makes me swear like even more of a trouper.

LoserNoMore Tue 23-Jul-13 18:40:39

He's just being an awkward bastard. The nice approach wasn't working so he's trying this one.

I didn't get the bloody job either. Nothing is going my way, don't know why I'm at all surprised.

I could scream my head off, literally.

I won't be stupid with the wine...I'll try and be sensible.

lazarusb Tue 23-Jul-13 20:59:33

I was always suspicious when my ex was being nice - usually rightly so. He wants the upper hand but won't ever get it. Sorry to hear about the job, I understand your frustration. There are a lot of people on your side here, you know. You still have your girls and JD as a distraction. You also have your self-respect and pride. That all counts for a lot you know. smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Jul-13 21:10:03

right you lot! Absolutely no navel gazing allowed.

SAF - your consultant was shit, but sadly, not unusual. sad lets get you sorted out, one way or the other. If you can get private insurance, then go ahead, but make sure you get a decent policy. Although Im not sure whether you would have to disclose the appt - probably yes, otherwise they may not pay out in future.

CBT can be a brilliant way of therapy, but the therapist has to be good. Its not just about talking but about changing your reaction to triggers, learning how to switch off, disengage while keeping yourself 'safe'

Its not an easy skill, but once mastered and practised it is better.
I also 'get' the tough outer and mush inside. You my lovely need a great big HUG.

LNM - no wine, or just one glass. Dont drink it because ex has pissed you off. Drink it because its a lovely evening and a nice chilled glass will be perfect while you have a long, bubble bath.

Dont worry about the job, just keep trying. Did you get any feedback? Or just a case of too many people going for same job? Its tough out there at the moment.

Chin up everyone! smile

<<hugs>>

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Jul-13 21:15:35

well said lazarus

I am going on holiday vv early Friday, and I have tons to do. DS going off to friends straight after school tomorrow (last day yippee) and staying over... not coming back until Thurs sometime, so I will probably have to sort his packing out.
DD got an appt at 4, then I promised Id take her to cinema to see Monster Uni. then dinner just the two of us. Online shop to do for holiday place, packing for me, dog and a million other things.

LIST! I need a list. grin

LoserNoMore Tue 23-Jul-13 21:50:29

Ah thanks Lazaruz smile

Hope you manage to get packed tomorrow Jax. I absolutely despise packing. I was thinking of visiting my friend up north near Loch Lomond but I really can't be bothered with the packing and travelling.

I've not had wine, I thought better of it. JD is coming over after footie training.

cjel Tue 23-Jul-13 22:20:25

LNM I am sorry you are feeling rough. I lost you there for a while but hope you are feeling bit better now . Also another one advising not too much wine after a bad day!!x

LoserNoMore Tue 23-Jul-13 22:27:02

Cjel, thank you. it's so nice to hear from you. I was thinking of you the other day. I hope things are going well.

cjel Tue 23-Jul-13 22:29:15

Thats lovely to hear,(in fact made me a bit tearful!!) I'm ok thanks although have had touch of heat exhaustion which made me a bit sad at not having lovely other half to take care of me( not that i ever really did!!)

LoserNoMore Tue 23-Jul-13 22:41:02

Oh sad It is hard not being looked after sometimes isn't it. Hope you've recovered from the heat, a bit cooler here tonight, thank God! Take it easy flowers

buildingmycorestrength Tue 23-Jul-13 22:41:31

LNM, well done thinking better on the wine. I know how tempting it is, seems like a perfect escape...sad

cjel Tue 23-Jul-13 22:42:47

Thanks, I just saw on the tv really bad thunder and lightening last night here and I slept right through it with the windows open!! Must have been iller than \i thought!!

flowers to you to.xx

ahh cjel - totally understand that. think stuff i've been through lately has had similar effect on me. it's when you need taking care of or just really need a cuddle. can suddenly feel very alone and vulnerable. the storm hit us in the morning yesterday.

think we're all allowed a bit of sadness sometimes. can't be strong, got it all in hand etc all the time.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 24-Jul-13 08:05:39

morning, leaving brew for all. mega busy day here today.

but mostly waiting around! Going to get organised as soon as DC are at school for half a day. We've already had the 'whats the point of today' conversation with DS and 'can I just stay off'

DD is excited its last day and doing fun stuff. I suppose thats the difference between primary and secondary schools. And the fact that DS is nearly 14... full of hormones and attitude - then flips and is sweet as pie again! I dont like this stage at all.

tbf though jax - what is the point? (worries i am still a hormonal 14yo with attitude)

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 24-Jul-13 11:07:19

SAF BECAUSE its the law/because I said so & also if you don't get out of bed right NOW you are not going over to your friends later for sleepover & see your gf. Combination of those worked.

I'm not entirely sure what the point is though. I just knew I'd be on a slippery slope if I let it happen!

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 11:31:24

You got to love teenagers eh. There's not much point to anything really.

I'm tired and grumpy this morning. Hardly slept a wink, I had dd3 on my shoulders yesterday and my back aches. Not the same as the other week but I think I pulled a muscle or something on the right side. I've ran out of coffee and can't be arsed going out. I've to pick the girls up at 3.00 and the thought of seeing ex is getting to me. I need to find my happy place...

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 24-Jul-13 11:40:04

There is no happy place without coffee! Get yourself some then all will be fine. brew

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 12:00:48

That's true. I've seen a job advertised too, just to hand a CV in so I'll pop to Starbucks on the way.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 24-Jul-13 12:26:35

see? every cloud! now find your oomf and get that CV in there! grin

Ive got so much to do and I am procrastinating a LOT today. Ive done some jobs, but others I cant be arsed... and I cant find DD school report, I need to take that with me today. I had it, put it in a drawer and its not there. god sake!

i am not only procrastinating i'm doing so in style by fucking around with nail varnish. must have painted and removed ten different coats by now.

it is a gorgeous day and should be outside really. or sorting this tip of a house out.

lnm - get ye coffee! the world is a dark place without caffeine. have you done a cover letter tailored to the job?

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 14:06:38

Yeah I did, SAF. Probably wont get it anyway, so fed up applying for jobs now. I really wanted the one I went for last week.

Had coffee so feeling a bit better. Just have to encounter ex in an hour and then I can relax.

loser it'll come. i'm trying to remember that even when life is sucking the biggest donkey dong ever there's something else around the corner.

call JD - get some action - laugh, come, dance, whatever! do you know the song 'shake it off' by florence and the machine? think we need to both listen to it damned loud.

"and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake it off"

sorry it's, "shake it out". here play it LOUD

to be perfectly honest at this point in time i feel like i'm either on the verge of a massive fucking breakthrough or a total bloody breakdown.

i'm either going to learn to say FUCK YOU and mean it or cower in a corner and eat myself with another bout of depression. no particular 'YOU' in that btw just the whole general shebang.

also just been chatting to a friend whose wife is going to die soon from pancreatic cancer after they did it all right, the treatments, the hell, got the all clear and then the very next tests showed it was back and beyond redemption. hate myself for being self pitying in that context but jesus we're sold a load of shit growing up! we should just tell our kids dance and live whilst you can and learn to stick your fingers up at everything that tries to crush you.

but we're good girls and boys and we try and teach them to be good girls and boys. i had the crushing of catholicism and sin and never being good enough for my mum to love me so i'm maybe a less than 'normal' example but god knows there are those who had it a million times worse. please do something that makes you feel alive, rebellious and unbeatable today. because i may be paranoid but it doesn't mean they're not out to get you wink

and advance apologies for sharing my meltdown/breakthrough on here. it is one of those days i guess.

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 15:35:49

Hope you're ok SAF and it's just a breakthrough you're having. You do need to learn to say fuck you sometimes. I'm slowly learning. Sorry to hear about your friends wife. Life is so bloody cruel at times.

I'm not that keen on Florence but I do like that song. I thought it was Shake it Off too!

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 15:52:29

right, have still been feeling overheated so have just spent ages scrolling through all last thread and this so I feel back with you all now.!
SAF - I rate counselling , I am training myself.Person centred. Very gentle, client led and not directive or leading in any way. I had loads myself found it so helpful decided to qualify, 3 years down, 2 to go!!! Hope you manage to get twat of a doctor sorted to get the tests you need.
LNM You've been on a roller coaster since I lost you, glad you found JD when you needed him and got yourself to drs for some help.
Everyone else!! Hope you are doing ok, glad to be back with you all.xx

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 16:19:08

Blimey! There was no action all weekend on here - then I go and have 3 really busy days and come back and look what's happened!!!

Hello everyone. Welcome back cgel, good to see you back! SAF - thanksthanks for you! Jax - where would we be without your brew? LNM - hope the meeting with the ex went ok. I still hate seeing mine an that's almost four years on now! Different maybe but still a pain in the arse. I wish I could never have to see him again really, that would make it all much easier!!

My boys break up tomorrow - they had two weeks off at whit so means that they finish a little later than others. Can't wait for Friday - I'm staying bed till 10!!!!!! So tired and just running round like a blue arsed fly this week. End of term madness and I'm not even a teacher lol!!!!

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 16:35:01

Good to see you back too Cjel.

Imtheonlyone, you do sound like you need a break. We haven't been getting out of bed until at least 10am since the start of the holidays. Halfway through the 4th week here, 3 more to go. I should really think about school uniform shopping soon.

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 16:37:57

Oh forgot to say, ex is moving into his own place this weekend. Think his sister gave him his marching orders.he was moaning to me about the price of it, like I give a shit.

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 16:48:51

LNM how can you be so uncaring ? a good xw would either offer to subsidse the poor little thing or let him move back, How can you be so cruel?

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 17:11:08

Haha! Let him moan about the price? Has he been paying you maintenance? Or continuing to pay your rent? Good that he's getting a place of his own. He might well realise you're being serious about all this now? Surprised his sister let him stay as long as she did!! They must have just cottoned on that you weren't just 'letting him suffer for a bit' !

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 18:04:23

I know, how selfish of me.

Yeah he's paying maintenance, imtheonlyone.

Dd1 asked me if her dad has a new gf. I said as far as I was aware no. She said she heard him on the phone last night talking to someone and she asked him who it was. He said just a girl that's a friend. Ex has just text me telling me he's seeing someone and can the girls meet her.

Fuck sake.

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 18:08:58

Idiot. I'd say not at the moment, its a bit early and they are still unsettled!!

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 18:39:11

Far too soon for that. I know he'll think I'm just being awkward.

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 18:41:54

He could also be asking to be awkward and get reaction !

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 18:54:13

I would say no too. How long has he been seeing her? Is it serious? Why would they need to meet her at this stage? Does she have children? If so, would they be meeting them too? Lots of questions! And very early for new partners to be introduces to your dd's who are very young

That's my pov anyway!!! grin

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 19:00:58

I have no answers to those questions either imtheonlyone ha!

It's just too soon. I only ever see JD when dd's are with ex. Its too much for them to deal with.

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 20:09:09

Exactly! They're just having to deal with mummy and daddy not living together anymore. They don't need any other complications right now.

Ps how was last night with JD anyway ��

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 20:40:47

It was nice. Was just a flying visit, stayed for a cuppa and I even got a foot rub! Bonus. He's too good to me.

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 21:47:11

I asked him would he care to elaborate, he replied "forget it, doesn't matter. Probably wont last". Nice.

what an idiot! uh yeah hun sure, introduce your kids to every random you decide to shag for a bit. why the hell not? he is beyond belief.

i am getting together with vasectomy guy tomorrow. good idea/bad idea i have no idea but i want to and i'm glad. right now a decent cuddle, aside from the rest, sounds just what i need.

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 22:23:20

what happened about being a week late SAF did I miss that?
I thinkmr Lloser just said it to try and make LNM jealous and get a reaction.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 24-Jul-13 22:30:12

christ, I am busy afternoon and evening and stuff happens! grin

Just caught up, what a cock he is LNM. Just trying to get a rise out of you, see if he can add salt to the wound is all. sad

SAF - I feel like that sometimes when things are shit and bad news just follows bad news, makes me want to rebel, do daft stuff and generally misbehave! You have a lot to do to dissolve that cloak of catholic guilt shame that has been painted on you, but you will get there.

Overtheraenbow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:34:38

Agree with the feedback call advice LMN a friend who hadnt gotna job did this just as another staff member announced she was leaving and they offered her the job there and then, also ask them to keep your CV. On file in case another vacancy comes up( shows you are keen!!)

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 22:40:39

When me and xdh ran our own business we used to interview and sometimes took ages to make decisions. Once someone rang up and we gave them the job because they had!!!

LoserNoMore Wed 24-Jul-13 22:42:31

Vasectomy Guy grin have fun SAF, sounds like you need a bit of tlc.

Who knows what goes through ex mind. Don't know if I'm coming or going with him. I did feel a bit hurt when he first text though sad I don't think he needed to be so matter of fact about it. Wish I didn't feel like that.

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 22:47:42

anyone know where i can find a JD or vasectomy guy? although i need long term before sex (sorry ladies - just how i am wink)

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 22:54:55

His response to you just sounds like he's made it up to get a reaction out of you!! More lies in the long list of shite that he's dealt you hmm. The man is a fool LNM who has realised far too late what he's thrown away.

imtheonlyone Wed 24-Jul-13 22:56:20

I could kill for a foot rub grin my feet are killing me!!! Asked DP last night but he refused hmm

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 25-Jul-13 07:23:18

Morning. Usualbrewbrewbrewbrew for everyone.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 09:23:56

Morning, I need gallons of coffee today. I can't sleep at night but can't get up in the morning, so tired.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 09:49:33

LNM hope coffee has worked,I just woke at 9, 10 yesterday and 11.15 tues so must be getting better!! I'm usually 7ish,
I think his attitude is definately a front to try and make you think he doesn't care - he is full of bs.

Have you thought more about ringing for job?

buildingmycorestrength Thu 25-Jul-13 10:10:59

LNM, I've been really unsure about whether to post this. The main thing it shows is how little he thinks about anything else but his cock. If the following sounds unlikely then sorry... obviously I don't know him or this woman so this is basically pure speculation.

Sorry if this is blunt. 'New girlfriend' probably means someone he slept with more than once, and it would be convenient for him if he didn't have to boot her out when the kids are over. Plus she is probably saying stuff about 'how much she loves children' in order to keep things going, and he wants to show off his 'parenting skills'. <hollow laughter>

He may kind of know (deep down) that it's not on to involve the girls, and may want you to tell him that, as he is probably slowly gaining some measure of respect for your opinion since you aren't bending to his every whim. You know, like children kind of realise they need boundaries and want you to be strong mum. He also doesn't care at all if it hurts you, not because he is just a pig but because it will not have entered his head. He has no real room there for anything but what he wants. This will happen again as he has so little self-control.

And of course it hurts. Of course it disturbs your sleep. It must feel like getting 'the news' all over again, realizing all over again that he is NOT A GOOD MAN AFTER ALL.

brew brew brew thanks thanks thanks

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 10:24:15

That sounds about right Core. Now that he is getting his own place he has more freedom to have woman there. If I ok it for dd's to meet a new "girlfriend' then he can relax and won't have to worry if they cross paths. He's not a good man, I don't know why he's changed so much.

I called about the job on Tuesday, Cjel. They told me then I didn't get it. I'm back to work on Monday sad

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 10:27:56

Oh sorry LNM, I really haven't been with it this week, Hope better new job is waiting for youx

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 10:35:41

Thanks cjel. I hope so too.

but did you hand in the cv for the other job yesterday lnm? i'm crossing everything for you again.

cjel - i got my period 10 days late in the end - was a little hair raising! think it must just have been because i'd gone away so travel, change of climate etc.

i have Vboy tonight and counsellor in the morning. keep getting tempted to cancel counsellor with the whole oh what's the point and there's nothing they can say or do that i haven't tried kind of thing but yesterday i blubbed on a friend and i clearly have stuff to let out and don't want to end up overburdening her itms? so i think i better go. not sure i'm capable of opening up with a stranger though.

anyhoo. another day another... something.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 13:19:21

Yeah I handed the cv in yesterday. Exes friend works in the same place, it was him I handed it to. He's a nice guy and I've always got on with him so shouldn't be a problem.

I know what you mean about the counselling. I kind of feel the same but sometimes I feel like my head will explode with the stuff going on in it just now. I think you should give it a try. I'm still waiting on my appointment...

Have fun tonight with V Boy!

i probably shouldn't see vboy in reality - i'm probably way too vulnerable and needy at the minute to be dabbling with men but i really want to have a nice night of sex and good stuff you know? that outside of time stuff that seems to soothe the soul.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 13:56:39

Yip, I know exactly what you mean. It's a bit of escapism.

yep. it is totally 'away from' or outside of everything else. like a little bubble in time. back to reality can be a bumpy though.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 14:21:54

SAF, just start to say the !st thing that comes to mind in counselling and the rest will follow. i used to go in sometimes and not know what to say and by the end of the session had discovered stuff i didnt know was there!! its brilliant.also found it great for going over stuff i didnt want to bore friend withx

good advice cjel - now what do i say/how do i start things when i go to vboys tonight?

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 17:22:36

What do you want to say SAF? Sorry if I missed that further up thread?

Good luck with the job LNM - fingers crossed again for you!

They've finished school today, finally, so I get home and think that's it I can relax now for a bit .... Then realise ds2 has his bloody swimming lesson!!!!!! In desperate need of wine now!!!!!

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 17:32:33

It depends SAF, what do you want. Is he a good listener, do you just want some fun?

Thanks imtheonlyone. Just think of the lie in tomorrow!

Sounds like ex is in the pub going by the text he's just sent. Along the lines of its ok for me to go picking up men but he's not allowed a girlfriend and there is no way he will ever be replaced, I'll never get better than him blah blah blah. Then ends it with he'll never get over this, please forgive me.

Oh dear.

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 17:39:22

Oh dear LNM - certainly sounds like one of his drunken messages! Perhaps remind him that you will never get over what he's done to you either and there's no way you can ever forgive him for betraying you in the way he did. And that he's only got himself to blame for all of this! He really is unbelievable!! He really thinks the best way to get you back is to make you jealous!!! What makes a man think like that???? I just don't get it?!?!!!! Perhaps best ignored for now though of he's in pub and you respond, he will see it as carte Blanche to keep going and that he could be in for forgiveness and just moving straight back in!!! Last thing you need is him turning up on your doorstep again hmm
Wish he would stop all this LNM - it must be so awful for you. I'm so angryangryangry with him!!!

i would be tempted to reply that it sounds like he's talking about himself not you ergo - he'll never be able to replace you, he'll never get better than you etc. drunken numpty doesn't even know he's projecting.

i don't know what i want lnm and am feeling a bit paranoid that he doesn't really like me but maybe feels badgered into seeing me blush

lazarusb Thu 25-Jul-13 17:53:57

I'd be tempted to text him and say 'I've already done better than you. The person I'm seeing is faithful'.

You don't need to justify yourself though. Isn't a little bit satisfying that he isn't any further forward than he was when you first caught him out? wink Let's face it, the children in these situations don't need to meet new partners, especially transient ones, in the early days. I waited nearly 6m to introduce my ds to now dh. By that point I knew that our relationship was more than a flash in the pan and we wanted a future together. He's being an arse, in more ways than one!

ds knows the vguy because i knew him before anything happened and he's seen him and been treated kindly by him in the pub and such in the past. if anything develops between us i think i'd just let george know we were friends iyswim - as in not 'hide' it as such but not make a big deal out of it and not encourage him to think it was some huge thing itms. i'm really not sure of how best to deal with things like that with kids but my situation is very different to your ex's in that there's not been a relationship breakdown or family torn apart to hurt ds and leave him needing to heal and process. it's always been me and him. considering your kids are just going through their family breaking up and adjusting to you two not being together anymore the idea of him introducing 'girlfriends' is ridiculously stupid.

it occurs to me (thinking of the nobhead the other day and your ex) that some men think they are fantastic fathers when in fact they've just got fantastic wives who make everything go well. lose the wife and you get to see exactly what kind of parent they actually are.

lazarusb Thu 25-Jul-13 18:29:46

Totally agree SAF. A lot of men only feel the brunt of childcare after separation because that's the first time they have any prolonged, solitary contact with their children. I think your approach re:your ds and vboy would be a good one if he's around a bit more permanently...although you may not want to refer to him as 'vboy' of course! grin

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 18:30:32

I'm tempted to text him back but I won't. I think he has some sort of radar which picks up when I'm feeling a bit down and vulnerable and he bombards me with this sort of crap.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 18:31:40

SAF do you want deep and meaningful with vguy or erm...not!!
LNM what a stress for you can you block his number or get another phone just for dcs contact messages? Glad hes opening up about how good you are though???

lazarusb Thu 25-Jul-13 18:54:29

He's a complete dickhead. He hasn't managed to win you round as you're so unreasonable so he's back to stupidity and insults. You might feel vulnerable but you're in your own home with your dds and you have JD's stomach to look forward to.

He has lost access to his dds on a daily basis, he's moving into a crappy flat without his own furniture, he's possibly having a fling with a woman who doesn't know what a twat he is (yet) and most importantly, he's lost the love and respect of an amazing woman.

I know who the stronger party is here.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 25-Jul-13 18:54:38

He's such an emotionally incontinent child. What a dick.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 19:26:43

That sums him up nicely, Core.

Cjel, I'd rather he didn't, it's probably all bullshit anyway. Too little too late. He never asks how I am. It's always about him, he thinks because I'm the one not taking him back that I'm perfectly happy and over it. Little does he know what he's actually done to me and the girls. But he doesn't care about that, it's all about him.

Ah thanks Lazarus. When you put it like that...don't know about the amazing bit though.

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 19:33:34

Oh you are amazing LNM - you may not realise it, but your are!!

And so say all of us!!!!

envy

ChipsNKetchup Thu 25-Jul-13 19:38:43

He is such a knobjockey and I feel for you having to put up with this.

You're so right about it being all about him. Spouts bullshit about winning you back then all he does is stamp his feet squealing what about meeeee!

Console yourself that he will always have been this selfish. Its just much easier not to see it when the benefits for him just happen to be mutually beneficial for you. Now the shit has hit the fan it's clear that he puts himself right at the forefront and everyone else should just STFU. This side of him would have come out eventually, better now than in 10 years.

Its probably best not to text him but I'd be very tempted to let him know you can do far better than a selfish, cheating loser like him.

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 19:48:28

SAF - you speak perfect sense re men being good fathers etc!! I couldn't agree more!!!

lazarusb Thu 25-Jul-13 20:24:34

Honestly, LNM, I would love dd to grow up with your self-respect and attitude. I would hate her to be walked over by a man and not be able to show him the door if he stepped out of line. I want her to grow up knowing her own worth as an individual and as a woman. I feel that you are a shining and amazing example of that.

Too many people take second best too often and for too long. I was cheated on by a bf when I was a teenager and I stayed with him despite him doing it several times. Then I stayed in an abusive relationship in my early 20s for so long I finally felt nothing and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of leaving my ds with him alone. So I DO think you're amazing and I wish I'd had half your strength, resolve and self-esteem. I'd never put up with any of that shit ever again and made that very clear to dh in the early days of our relationship! I didn't want life to be a constant fight any more.

flowers and wine to all the strong women on this thread.

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 20:44:18

wine Hear hear Lazarus!!! winewine

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 20:50:08

Believe it or not my self esteem is at an all time low. I think the girls would think I was amazing if I let their dad move back in. It's a huge responsibility knowing that having their family back together is down to me. Even though he was responsible for the whole thing I know I only have to say the word and our family could be back together. It's not going to happen but I'd hate to think the girls ever resented me for just forgiving and forgetting. I hate that he's put me in that position.

Thanks for the kind words, there are lots of amazing woman on this thread and others.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 21:05:41

Sorry, reading that back, it doesn't really make sense but I know what I mean.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 21:36:39

LNM - I was being sarcastic about him realising your wonderfulness being a good thing.
YOur family being broken is down to no one except him, don't let the thought its you cross your mind. You have only reacted to what he had already done.
Don't let idiot grind your self esteem any lower.xx

ChipsNKetchup Thu 25-Jul-13 21:36:53

I understand what you mean. Your girls are too young to understand the dynamics of what is going on, but they will as they get older and you are modelling strong positive behaviour for them.

Remember that for all his words he has done nothing to try and put this right. He's tried getting aggressive, manipulative, controlling, guilt tripping. At no point has he made any real attempt to try and recover things, it is about him and him only. He has also tried to manipulate your girls by saying he's been silly and trying to make you at fault. His behaviour since is actually more deplorable than the cheating.

When you think that you can put the family back together for your girls all you will be doing is showing him all he needs to do is squeal what about me long enough.

You deserve better and your daughters deserve to see relationships when women are not treated like a piece of shit on his shoe.

You ARE amazing and will get through this.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 25-Jul-13 21:45:35

It wouldn't have been too long before he began to disappoint them, or even betray their trust with selfishness. They will see through him in time and understand. thanks

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 21:48:19

Sorry Cjel, I get you.

I think to the girls it's very cut and dry, well for most children that age really. They'll understand better when they're older.

He's called twice in the past hour. He's an idiot, especially after last time, same scenario. He knows better than to turn up, still feel a bit nervy though.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 25-Jul-13 21:54:59

WHY IS HE CALLING?!?!?! angry angry angry angry angry

Ahem. I'm sure you feel the same, LNM. grin

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 21:56:32

Is there anything you can do to make the calls stop? Its hard enough going through it without him making it that hard.

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 22:05:08

Oh what a twunt!! Seriously?!?!?! I'm sooooo angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry

Oh LNM sad why does he continue to do this?

Have some thanks

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 22:08:10

Ha yeah Core, just a bit! I know I'm assuming he's drunk but this is what he does when he's had a drink but he's meant to be picking the girls up tomorrow. I'm not bothered if he doesn't but he said he's taking them out somewhere so they are excited.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 22:11:29

I could switch my phone off but I'm a bit apprehensive to do that Cjel incase he texts that he's on his way or something. He doesn't like being ignored. I'd rather have prior warning.

I don't know imtheonlyone, alcohol? Thank you.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:13:51

yes thats a problem isn't it. AT least if you know hes texting you have a bit of control.
Is it time to report all this to the police? I'm the biggest softy on putting up with crap from my 'poor' xdh but I can't bear the thought of you having to put up with this especially when your feeling crap already.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:19:34

just had a thought about what you said and realised that he will have to get used to you ignoring him if you don't want contact and that the police will have to help him understand. Its really bad threatening , bullying behaviour and its not your problem any more.

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 22:22:43

The police are already involved. I have a direct number they gave me. I don't think he'll appear unless he's really drunk and extremely stupid.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:25:05

Thats good, i think they need to have a word to stop the txts not just the visits?

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 22:28:40

He's been warned about it all, he's obviously forgotten.

whitesugar Thu 25-Jul-13 22:30:30

Hi LNM you are going through a very difficult time, I am 14 years out of it and to date it is the toughest thing I have done. You stand a very good chance of getting through it. I know its seems unlikely but you have so much ahead of you it is kind of exciting.

When you think going back would be great for the girls just think what advice you would give them if they ever (God forbid) have to go through this situation. From the sound of you, you would 100% support them and advise them to hold their head up high and not go back to someone who doesn't deserve them. He can rant and rave as long as he likes he is just making himself out to be a tool. I know you loved and trusted him and that is why it's so hard for you right now.

I really admire you getting up every day, running a house, minding the girls, going to a job you hate, putting up with your ex. You are fantastic and a great example to your girls and others going through this. You think it's impossible but your future can be bright. If you had stayed with him it would have always been crap. You have chosen the right road.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:40:02

perhaps he needs reminding? you could do without this crap

imtheonlyone Thu 25-Jul-13 22:51:09

You could ring the police - say that he's harassing you with texts and calls. Ask them to give him a call and warn him to stop. They would probably do that for you?

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 22:51:59

Thanks whitesugar, it's encouraging to hear that many people think I'm doing the right thing. I appreciate your words.

Cjel, he likely does but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:56:55

like I said I am biggest softy for benefit of the doubt with x, but can't bear to see you suffering!! Your X doesn't deserve benefit in my mind!! Now I know how frustrated my friends felt when I did it!!!!xsmile

LoserNoMore Thu 25-Jul-13 23:03:41

I know, I'm far too soft. I'll see what happens if anything.

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 23:13:29

Yes good, look after yourself or I'll be cross!!!flowers

ChipsNKetchup Thu 25-Jul-13 23:34:40

I think it's got to the point where for you and your girls you need to make it clear that it's the end of the road. Speak to the police and ask them to have a word about the phoning and texting, then get the divorce ball really rolling.

After this amount of time he still thinks he can fix things but without actually doing anything. It is hard being the one to make things final but you need to do it for you.

Its like clearing things from your physical space but he is in your mental space. Get him out of there, get beyond. Its hard, scary and oh so final but at the same time enlightening, positive and a sign of your new future. Take matters into your own hands and press forward. That is where the path to happiness lies, its just hidden under all the mess he left right now.

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 00:07:18

I know you're right, Chips. I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Now I'm just getting worked up, pacing the floor. I don't feel well at all.

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 00:55:58

I wish I'd never started on these AD.

whitesugar Fri 26-Jul-13 01:03:20

LNM I know it's hard but you can and will cope. Don't underestimate how tough it is but you can get through this. Please put your shoulders back and head high and keep saying I Will get through this. I know lots of women who I met over 14 years ago when our lives were truly crap. We see each other out and about now, all in our late forties, and we survived and had lots of great times since.

I don't know much about self help books but one of the first of the genre "The road less travelled" starts off by saying that life is difficult and once we accept that we transcend it. It probably doesn't help you at this point in time but you are a strong woman who has had a big knock. Do your best to believe you will get through this time. You are most certainly not alone.

Go to bed and get some sleep. Good night, sleep well.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 26-Jul-13 05:11:49

Morning LNM, sorry you had a crap night.
I hope he didn't come over or call/text again and you were able to get some sleep.

morning!

LNM - hope he didn't turn up. are you regretting the ADs because you're having side effects or because you think you're feeling worse? how long have you been taking them now? talk to us about it because it seems many of us on here have first hand experience with ADs so will help if we can. i can't remember when you started taking them but it's at least 2wks to start working for most of them and side effects can last longer that. they continue to improve how they're working for 12wks - as in that's how long before they're at their peak best effect having rejiggled your brain chemistry around and your brain having settled around it. if you've started on a low dose of a very mild one such as prozac and have been taking them a few weeks without any improvement it may be time to increase the dose slightly. is the doc seeing you regularly or just prescribed and sent you off into the world?

i've had about 2hrs sleep and am supposed to be seeing a counsellor at ten for the first time. numpty.

personally i couldn't take prozac as it made me SO anxious and jittery but i know other people who couldn't tell they were taking it and it just quietly worked well for them.

cjel Fri 26-Jul-13 08:29:20

Morning LNM. Hope you had a peaceful night. Do you want to see if you can come off ads?

SAF. Go to counsellor and talk, talk, talk!!!!

imtheonlyone Fri 26-Jul-13 09:11:05

LNM - hope you managed to get some sleep in the end. Sounds like you had a terrible night. I would seriously think about speaking to the police about his harassment - cos that's what it is!! Ask them to call him and warn him off - they will do that and it might stop him doing it which will ease your mind a little? He really shouldn't be doing it to you, at all, and should know better by now! Really hope you're ok!
Morning SAF - good luck with the counsellor - just talk! I wouldn't be where I am today without my counselling sessions! And I would be a whole lot more miserable for it!!! How did it go last night with vboy????
I've just got up - woke up around 7.15 kids slept till 8! Hayfever has dragged me out of bed as keep sneezing and nose and eyes streaming now!! And the neighbour is mowing his bloody lawn angryangry!!!!! Still feel tired. DP got in bed last night and asked me if I still wanted to be with him!!! God knows where that came from!!! He snuck out of bed this morning at 8am so best go downstairs and sort that out!!!!! Just told him I was super tired and needed to recharge batteries!!

lazarusb Fri 26-Jul-13 10:08:57

imtheonlyone - SAF said she had 2 hours sleep so I'm guessing it went well! wink

LNM - I'm sorry he's back to being an idiot. I think it would be worth reporting it to the police again or at least keeping a log to mention to your solicitor.

FWIW, when I was 11 my dad found out my mum had been cheating with his best friend for 3 years. She left and they moved in together shortly after. The big showdown was on Easter Sunday. For some reason, my parents felt it would be a good idea to get back together for Christmas for the sake of my little brother and I. She came back on Christmas Eve evening and spent the whole night crying. Christmas Day was tense and miserable and she disappeared on Boxing Day.

My brother and I were (and still are) of the opinion that watching my dad try so fucking hard to make her happy and avoid any tension/stress was the most painful thing we've ever seen. Don't put yourself through it - if it's over, it's over. Your girls might be happy in the short term but long term it would be awful for them. You would never be happy or relaxed with him again. It would also give him the idea that he could cheat again, but be more careful, or he'd suffer for a couple of months and then come back.

You deserve better and you will be happy again. Properly happy. It takes time but it will happen.

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 10:21:55

2 weeks I've been taking them. Just didn't feel right last night, maybe side effects. Not helped by ex right enough.

Think I got to sleep around 4am then woke up at 8.30 with kids ringing the fucking doorbell. I don't even think coffee is going to cut it this morning.

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 10:22:58

Oh and thanks for replies.

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 15:58:14

My woe fullness has scared you all away...

I shall retreat with my bottle/s of wine now dd's have gone sad and hope things look up soon.

cjel Fri 26-Jul-13 16:19:19

Hello Lnm, you didn't scare me away.Are you sure you want to drink on your own?smile

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 16:50:14

Not really, but what's the alternative? Sit watching crap TV all night. It's the only thing making me feel calm just now.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 26-Jul-13 16:55:15

I'll tell you what is better than wine, is getting addicted to reddit. Honestly. Go to reddit.com, then go to the subreddit r/funny and you will laugh your arse off all night.

Do NOT go to some of the other subreddits like wtf, nosleep, or gore. They are dark places and you will see things you can't unsee.

But r/funny is totally brilliant. And r/pics.

I have to spend a lot of time resting and it is so boring, but reddit saves me. And MN. grin

cjel Fri 26-Jul-13 19:00:48

I don't drink and would say that using the internet or tv to find calm is better, drink or drugs will make you feel better for a little while and numb you but the hangover/comedown is less fun than the boring tv. I used to txt or phone people for a chat or spend evening crying and alone but at least i didn't have hangover/ comedown!!!!

BUT not trying to make you feel bad - just saying what worked for meflowerswinesmile

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 26-Jul-13 19:14:12

Sorry LNM, I'm not scared away! But I'm moving country tomorrow so I've been a bit caught up with stuff.
I do check up on you every single evening at the very least. I have done since your first thread. And I worry about you too when you're down. I just don't post much as I don't think I have anything useful to say blush

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 20:34:31

Thanks Core, I'll have a look.

I know you're talking sense cjel. It doesn't really make me feel better but it's a kind of release away from the crap.

Good luck Miffy, how exciting. All the best with the move.

cjel Fri 26-Jul-13 20:37:29

i know and we all have to do it our own way, i guess i just came over all maternal!!!

LoserNoMore Fri 26-Jul-13 20:45:45

Ah thanks, it's nice to know someone cares smile I do appreciate it, enough to make myself a coffee instead and take JD up on his offer of a DVD night.

cjel Fri 26-Jul-13 20:48:39

Thank you I do care.that sounds much more healthy and maybe an early night ! perfect,

Alwayskeptalidon Fri 26-Jul-13 22:03:02

I care too lnm.
May be now is the time for the two of you to sit down and set down some ground rules.
It is hard when everyone is hurt. You did love each other once.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 26-Jul-13 22:22:15

Been traveling all day. I care too. I'm just bloody done in. Been on the go since 4. And not long got wifi sorted out

Lnm it takes a few weeks for tablets to kick n. give it some time.

And do get some counselling. It will help with self esteem & can give some coping strategies for twunt

Enjoy DVD night. thanks

LoserNoMore Sat 27-Jul-13 09:31:11

Morning, hangover free and feeling a bit better. Breakfast in bed, can't beat it. Had a nice night with JD, and morning wink

LoserNoMore Sat 27-Jul-13 09:33:03

Thanks Always. Have a good time away Jax.

cjel Sat 27-Jul-13 09:33:28

well done, glad today has started bettersmile

lazarusb Sat 27-Jul-13 10:54:12

smile I really like your style LNM!

imtheonlyone Sat 27-Jul-13 11:00:16

������
Morning!!! I've just got out of bed!!! ���� but feeling better for it! Glad you had a good night and morning too wink. I myself have not had a bad morning wink. Child free till Friday now which is rare for us with all four of them between us smile

not scared away either. just been a bit awol and distracted by the men are like buses phenomena confused and i think grin

glad you had a good night and morning with JD. i tend to think the mornings are even better iykwim.

awaiting jax's coffee. love to all who've been travelling and on missions or preparing to move house or being poorly.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 28-Jul-13 09:12:06

brewbrewbrewbrewbrew Has arrived. Morning all, hope everyone is ok. It's raining today but we had a lovely day yesterday. Just walking, playing with dog, fish & chips by river skimming stones

Both kids said they love it here, feels like home. They've got Scotland in their hearts. Made me feel quite sad but happy.

lazarusb Sun 28-Jul-13 16:21:12

We've done an Activity Day today to raise money for a local Hospice. Was really good except for one family where the adults insisted on 'joining in' (pushing children out of the way), swearing as much as possible, commenting on the chest size of the three women present....we left early in the end angry. So annoying. Never mind, the Hospice will get their cheque nevertheless and ds still had a good time.

Hope everyone is well.

yuk lazarus. sound like such classy folk!

it's a bit cooler today after last night's storm and it's actually quite a relief! was beginning to feel like cooked meat.

lazarusb Sun 28-Jul-13 19:24:10

I agree SAF. Felt very sorry for the children they were with (as well as the rest of them!).

Definitely a breeze here, not overly keen myself. I like it in the mid 30s. But I know very few other people who like it like that! grin

LoserNoMore Sun 28-Jul-13 19:43:02

They sound lovely Lazarus! Tell us more SAF?

I've not done much this weekend. Feel sick about work tomorrow. Dark cloud following me around at the moment sad bleurgh.

buildingmycorestrength Sun 28-Jul-13 22:43:23

Bleurgh indeed. sad sad.

The thing I hate about going into jobs I've hated is the feeling that it will be forever and I'll NEVER leave and I'll ALWAYS hate my job. But you are applying for other things and something will turn up eventually, and until then it is just an unpleasant way to pay the bills.

Hope it isn't awful. Hope you can detach from it, and surround yourself with a bubble of 'why would I give a shit about that'-ness.

LoserNoMore Sun 28-Jul-13 23:35:37

Thanks Core. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I'm expecting. Would help if I could get a decent nights sleep too, I'm wide awake.

cjel Sun 28-Jul-13 23:41:47

hoping you have sleep soon. an you go to work and feel they need you more than you need them? May not be true but helps to change your mindset about it.

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 04:14:45

Managed to sleep for a couple of hours but wide awake again. I'm so tired but just can't get a decent sleep. I'll probably be in a deep sleep when the alarm goes off at 6.30. Always the same...

cjel Mon 29-Jul-13 08:59:06

LNM. I've only just woke up. Hope this morning is good for youx

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:25

will be thinking of you today, hope its not as bad as you expect.

daily brew for everyone

lazarusb Mon 29-Jul-13 11:42:13

Hoping today will be ok at work. Maybe your boss will have left had a personality change!

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 11:54:26

Work is fine, well as it can be. I'm not, I can't concentrate. I'm having a quick break outside and a bit of a cry. Don't know wtf is wrong with. Thank god for waterproof mascara.

cjel Mon 29-Jul-13 14:11:52

Nothing wrong with you LNM, its all the otherssmile

imtheonlyone Mon 29-Jul-13 15:58:06

Hello everyone grin

Yeap, nothing wrong with you LNM, it all the others! And probably a settling down of the ads too I would bet. Possibly with a combination of being shattered also - a little cry is probably the best thing. Best to let it out rather than let it build up inside. Try not to worry about it wink

Just had my first cup of tea of the day! Was bloody gorgeous!!! brew

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 17:26:13

Hi,

That's me just finishing up for the day. Don't know how I managed to get through it without falling asleep. I just want to go home straight to bed. I have no interest in doing anything else. Crap mother as well as everything else.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 29-Jul-13 17:29:56

The ads will be settling in now. I've had a shocker of an afternoon. Dd had complained of itchy scalp. I checked thoroughly, combed through her hair which is bum length, curly & thick. Nothing there... This was 2 weeks ago. Went to put a necklace on her today & saw nits! She totally freaked out. So had to dash to local chemist for nitty gritty, hedrin & some new brushes, hair ties etc.

Have spent last 2.5 hrs combing etc. have stripped bed got everything on boil wash! Who said our holiday wasn't full of drama?

Our planned afternoon out didn't go ahead.

Oh well I shall be with winewinewinewinewinewinewine in half an hour.

lazarusb Mon 29-Jul-13 17:55:15

Jax you have my sympathy. I hate hate hate nits!

LNM, you aren't a crap mum and you know it. You're tired, it is allowed. We've spent today half watching dvds and I have fallen asleep more than once on my chair! It isn't your fault that you work in a shit environment - I think most people have at some time or other. I had to stop myself walking out more than once at one particular place. My mother was the Manager too - she was an absolute cow to me.

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 19:46:51

Oh Jax, I've been so lucky with nits. None of mine have had them ever. I'd run screaming from the house I think if I ever spotted one. Hope the rest of your holiday is drama free. How long have you got left?

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 19:49:34

Lazarus, I bought Wreck It Ralph on the way home so the girls are sitting quietly watching it now.

lazarusb Mon 29-Jul-13 20:25:52

Ah..I like Wreck It Ralph, well, the first bit - PacMan & Street Fighter brings back many memories. But it did get a bit over girly/pink after about 20 minutes for my taste!

lazarusb Mon 29-Jul-13 20:28:07

Dd broke her arm when she was 6 and it her first bout of nits then, typically. So plastered arm in a bin bag to keep it dry, washing head over the side of the bath and endless, endless combing. How I didn't strangle her friend with constant nits I will never know!

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 21:58:56

Oh what a nightmare, Lazarus.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 29-Jul-13 22:19:24

I've still got 2 weeks hols left. We have a total of 5 adults and 8 kids here, huge family holiday. All of us looked like monkeys in a line checking hair earlier, then I brought dd back to our place.

I hate nits too & so cross as she must have got them in school, just before holidays. This is her first time, so probably lucky!

Hope it's last time too

I feel like shit mum of the year. 3 loads of laundry I've done. Going to wash, condition & re comb tomorrow. Hoping I've suffocated them and combed all out. Between nitty gritty comb, loads of conditioner & then hedrin surely they'll be dead?

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 22:27:53

Yeah that should do the trick.

I'm very jealous of your holiday, I'd kill to get away right now.

cjel Mon 29-Jul-13 22:29:12

LNM I was just thinking how lovely jaxs' holiday sounded - without nits of coursesad

LoserNoMore Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:52

Yeah nits not invited, Cjel. Little buggers.

How are you?

cjel Tue 30-Jul-13 09:28:32

Morning LNM. Thanks for asking , I find it weird when you ask for some reason I don't think this is a two way conversation!!!!
I am ok, feeling better every day, but as I have been unwell find I feel sad about ex. It'll fade again as I recover. Onwards and upwards!! How are you today?

nits - best bet is not even to bother with the nasty chemical stuff which does bugger all in my opinion. if you do the hair plastered in conditioner and comb, comb, comb every other day for a week or so they HAVE to be gone as even though you miss eggs you are taking them out as soon as they hatch so they cannot reproduce if that makes sense? it's just interrupting the breeding cycle. i had nits once from 2 little girls i used to look after and ds has had them once.

glad work is 'ok' lnm and sorry to hear you're not sleeping. don't know about others but when on ads before i've fiddled around with the time of day i take them - re: if i was taking them at night and finding i was wide awake/couldn't sleep i'd take them in the mornings instead or if i was taking them in the morning and was really tired before the day was out i'd take them in the evenings instead. however if you were having sleeping problems before taking them and it's just not got better then it might be you need a higher dose before they help.

lnm don't want to laden your thread with me, me, me but in answer to tell us more just as it was becoming apparent vguy was actually up for messing me about a bit as his life is so messy i went out with friends and ended up meeting someone else confused i literally usually only meet someone i like and have a spark with every few years so was a bit of a surprise to me. we've gotten together a couple of times and he is actually seeming really nice and sorted yet seems to like me for some reason grin i guess even if it turns out to be nothing it has given me the incentive to stop playing with fire with vboy and his messy life. however my familiarity with nice guys with good jobs and tidy bedrooms and grown up cars is sketchy to say the least so am feeling a little out of my comfort zone.

i think you would approve of his teeth and shoes btw.

cjel Tue 30-Jul-13 10:09:42

SAF if vboy and your experience includes messy lifestyle sounds like nice guy stretching comfort zone may not be a bad thing!!! Especially if shoes and teeth are good.

yeah. when 'comfort zone' is self destruct and not feeling you deserve a nice guy then it definitely needs stretching. i'm reading that book someone on here (sorry memory of a sieve) recommended and it's very timely.

how are you doing cjel?

LoserNoMore Tue 30-Jul-13 11:03:34

Oh Cjel, sorry to hear you're feeling a bit sad. Also, of course it's 2 way, although I do probably come across as too self involved to notice.

SAF, I'm glad you found this out about vboy sooner rather than later. New guy sounds good, teeth and shoe approved too.

lazarusb Tue 30-Jul-13 12:54:18

I met a man 18 years ago who wasn't at all what I was used to SAF. He was nice, kind and thoughtful. Despite doing my best to scupper it, we're still together and have added 2 dcs to my ds!

cjel Tue 30-Jul-13 15:19:55

Ha Ha Laz, some men are just useless aren't they? won't even let you scupper a perfectly good relationship Huh I don't knowsmile

Am feeling very loved, all this concern. thankyou. LNM yuou don't come across like that, Its me not yousmile I suppose I find it hard to accept nice people!! Have had lovely morning coffee with friends then haircut. Alls right with the worldxx

grin cjel they just really are so objectionable. this one should definitely target himself at some cath kidston type flower arranging cupcake baker but he has to go and subject his niceness and sorted life onto me ffs hmm

glad you have had a lovely morning cjel.

i've repatriated my chickens, been to the park with friend and children and am now home for a bit of an mn doss and a rest before tackling whatever is next on the sort the house/pigsty out agenda.

lazarusb Tue 30-Jul-13 16:56:23

cjel - that's the trouble, dh is a genuinely nice person. I'm not and didn't feel that I deserved someone who would actually treat me well....having being told how bloody awful I was for many years by more than one person, I believed it.

I am getting over it though! As will you, SAF smile It really is quite...nice!

cjel Tue 30-Jul-13 17:08:00

my laptop won't get put down and I want to do some weeding but my legs won't move!!
I think i secretly wish I'd be given the chance to see if I could get over it too.

well if nice guys can like messy cow packs like me cjel i'm sure there's one out there for you. pretty sure this guy would run for the hills if he saw the state of my house.

LoserNoMore Tue 30-Jul-13 19:29:44

Sometimes the least likely guy can be perfect.

I'm still knackered, girls are away to ex for the night in his new house. Wasn't planned but he has them during the day tomorrow when I'm working so it's easier all round and I only need to get myself ready in the morning which means an extra 30 minutes in bed, bonus.

Bubble bath running just now, wee glass of wine maybe and flop on the sofa.

cjel Tue 30-Jul-13 19:33:34

thats reassuring although I suspect you are 'normal'! I have moved the washing pile to one corner of the sofa so I can sit down and just stuck to my kitchen floor as i made tea!! my daughter rang and asked me to have her girls tomorrow and i said i was going to housework and she said I haven't go it right she said if you have an allocated space for things its not a mess its tidy. Her allocated place for her ironing is the floor under the window in her bedroom, then people who go past can't see it but its tidy - its in its placesmile I am having girls so won't be able to house work.

LoserNoMore Tue 30-Jul-13 22:26:29

Jus

just say no?

hope you're ok - bit of a random post there.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 31-Jul-13 11:06:01

Morning! Washed, conditioned, combed, nit combed, re conditioned, rinsed dd hair and a few eggs, nothing major. Will do again today but not expecting any more of the horrid beasties

We BBQ last night and just as the coals were hot and food was cooking nicely the heavens opened. It was hilarious, fil put a tarp above BBQ, I was standing with golf brolly covering BBQ, kids in gazebo attached to tarp awning

Dh and I got soaked, my sis in law and bil were in charge of keeping our camp fire going. We looked like drowned rats, tinkers but we had lovely food, toasted marshmallows and cake!

Then about 9 it cleared up. We all sat around the fire, kids singing and having fun, adults having a few drinkies

The only downside is ds gf has cheated on him, twice. He is upset, understandably, but one of the boys is his good friend. Teenagers!

I'm more cross with his gf, she's spent time with us, had dinner etc at our house. Bloody ally cat!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 31-Jul-13 11:15:39

Apologies. Last post all about me! blush

SAF you deserve a goog guy, and get reading that book! It helps

Cjel, feel better soon, there's someone for everyone.

Lnm keep on going, you are doing great. If this place we are staying in was mine I'd invite you up. But we just rent round corner from my fils place. I need my own space away from them all. Lets just say my bil is polar opposite to my dh in every way!

brewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewthanksthanksthanksthanksthanks For everyone.

thanks for the coffee and flowers. i need to find a deserted area and scream like a loon.

went down this morning to disgusting dog mess all over the kitchen floor and a wet patch on hall rug. did the whole wretching disgusting clean up identified which dog it was and gave them only some toast for breakfast and kept an eye out. came back upstairs with cup of coffee only for ds to announce that the other dog has made a big mess and to have to go through the whole thing again.

don't think i was wrong about the first mess but it seems it's both of them and i let the little one have a normal breakfast.

it is at times like this that i want to explode with the seeming amount of pressure on me which is utterly stupid. but suddenly it feels like, child, animals, house, job, money etc etc etc is all too much to deal with. 9 times out of ten it is cleaning up poo that is the straw that breaks this camel's back.

so there is my rant!!!!

i like animals and i really value ds being able to grow up around animals hence putting myself in this situation but at times like this i think i must be a bloody lunatic to take so much on.

have just had to do that really controlled anger thing of explaining to ds that i am not angry at him and no i'm not really angry at the dogs i'm just angry and frustrated and had enough. wonder if he'll ever realise how much better he has it than i did just from someone bothering to make that distinction clear? doubtful.

oh AND i've managed to forget tax credits and today is the deadline and you can bet the phonelines will be jammed with hour long queues.

do i bother ringing or do the paperwork and send it off today and hope for the best? sorry - i'm not a thread starter so you lot get all my angst and questions blush

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 31-Jul-13 12:36:22

Can you still do it online SAF? If not get on the phone pronto.

Think we all have those moments when it's all just too much. Put dogs outside if its nice and air the house. Then only do what you have to do today. And lastly, yes I think it's important to explain the difference of being angry at a situation as opposed to a person. He will get it. thanks

i've filled it all out and it's in an envelope. have decided posting it today should be fine as realistically they can't instantly sort whose is in and whose isn't at midnight tonight iyswim.

yes definite too much moment. dogs are outside and access to back passage (no pun intended). house is airing.

yes i think it's important too - i just remember the constant knot in my stomach as a kid from people's generalised anger and shouting. anger is unavoidable sometimes but owning it and pointing it in a construction direction is important.

and thank you!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 01-Aug-13 10:22:13

Hi. brewbrewbrewbrewbrew

Peeing down here so we are off to do some inside things today. En masse 3 cars of our clan. It's hilarious, we communicate with mobile phones used by kids, sort of ends up like Chinese whispers

grin

sounds lovely jax smile you will be a mass descending upon whatever unsuspecting place you invade grin

no poo or drama here today. dogs had toast yesterday and slept in the passage and have had plain rice this morning. if tummies still ok i'll give them rice and scrambled eggs for tea. which reminds me i collected my first eggs from my hens that were cockerels that were hens again yesterday smile

lnm i hope you're ok - very quiet sweets?

cjel Thu 01-Aug-13 11:22:22

Morning LNM, Thinking of you this morning.

don't want to detract (as usual) from lnm's thread but to the ladies on here who have been so lovely to me please read and comment here

cjel Thu 01-Aug-13 22:18:10

LMN, you are quiet my lovely are you OK?x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 02-Aug-13 10:33:54

Morning everyone. Ybrewbrewbrewbrewbrewbrewthanks. Hope everyone's ok

Lnm you're very quiet. How are you?

We had fun yesterday, went to crannogs and made fire, played at being olden days. Then a walk around loch Tay, then into aberfeldy. Then home, dinner, fire, few drinks and brought my nephew back for sleepover. I'm loving toasted marshmallows! Very tasty, but naughty. I won a bottle of lambrini at a bottle stall at a fundraiser the other day so my sil and I drank that too

Weather hasn't been the best, but we've made the most of it.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 03-Aug-13 13:32:07

Where's everyone gone? brewbrewbrewbrewwinewinewinewinewine

cjel Sat 03-Aug-13 13:47:05

Jax thanks for drinks.SAF has been around on her other thread, but haven't heard from anyone else!! Summer Hols perhaps?

lambrini - you classy girl jax grin

i'm around but no word from lnm.

LoserNoMore Sat 03-Aug-13 22:26:39

Hi, I've had the week from hell. I'm staying with my friend for a bit, the girls are with ex. I think I had some sort of breakdown. Sounds so dramatic and don't really like saying that but it's the only way I can describe it. I felt like just ending it all on Tuesday. I couldn't cope. Everything just got on top of me, I think trying to put on a brave face backfired. Asking ex to take the girls absolutely killed me but its just temporary. I miss them so much.

I had a 2 night stay in hospital and had my anti d's changed. I still feel pretty low. I have so much stuff going on in my head I can't see the end of it all. I just want to leave here go and pick the girls up and go home but its not fair on them.

Thank you for thinking of me .

cjel Sun 04-Aug-13 00:02:54

LNM so sorry to hear that. I've had several breakdowns, but none since i left ex so i'm the other way to you.take a little time to get yourself straight , don't rush back to life. do whatever you need to take care of yourself for a little while. Glad you had a friend you could go to.flowers

LoserNoMore Sun 04-Aug-13 00:21:01

Thank you. On the plus side I'm not tired any more, I've done nothing but sleep. If my friend tells me to get some rest one more time I may scream. Bless her, she does mean well. I've just watched Paranormal Activity and I think I'll be sleeping with the lights on tonight.

I know there's only 2 or 3 of you left on the thread but thank you, it means a lot that you've stuck with me offering support.

mumat39 Sun 04-Aug-13 00:29:06

Oh LNM, I'm still here. So pleased you have you're friend. Those dark thoughts can occur sometimes with AD's so fingers crossed the new ones are better.

Sleeping in good. Especially when you haven't been sleeping so well lately.

Sending you big hugs. Xxx

I'm going back to lurking now, but I am here. Xxx

superstarheartbreaker Sun 04-Aug-13 00:31:06

Can I join? Just been on POF and ex is on there. I miss him although he dumped me in the most horrid way (ignored me then messaged me on Facebook. ) Pah; he cares not one jot for me!

HollyuponPoppy Sun 04-Aug-13 02:34:15

I'm a total lurker, LMN, but here I am to cheer you on through your tough time. You are amazing. I bet there are many folks following your journey and supporting you even if, like me, they don't say much. I'm on the left coast USA so I miss most of the active discussion times, but I check on you every day. Your posts shine with wit and honesty, and sincerity, even when you are obviously totally blue. I can't add much here, but know that you've made positive impressions on people like me, who admire you.

HollyuponPoppy Sun 04-Aug-13 02:42:15

Also, I know your name is really LNM. Not LMN. I don't know who THAT is! (If I knew how to insert an eye-rolling emoticon I'd do that here now)

pmgkt Sun 04-Aug-13 03:10:09

There are lots of us still here, just not sure what to say as have had no experience to help you. I would say that you recognising that you are struggling and having a 'breakdown' of any sort is actually really good, it would be far harder for you and your friend if you couldn't see this

JollyGolightly Sun 04-Aug-13 06:37:22

Hey, I'm lurking. Can't post.much.on this crappy phone - see all the random fullstops? That's just one of its little ways. I bet.I'm just one of many who check on you quietly, willing things to improve for you. I'm sorry things are so shitty. I have faith that you'll come out the.other side and that the future holds better, but its probably hard.to feel that when you're in the middle of it. Can you get to a beach today?

ktef Sun 04-Aug-13 06:37:41

I'm here lurking too. I think you've handled this so well and are doing a brilliant job at showing your daughters how to live with self respect. I imagine you are feeling a lot worse at times than you are expressing on here. Maybe try telling us all the bad stuff too? You have been admired on your threads for your strength, but don't let that stop you showing and expressing your weakness/sadness etc on here as we will all still support you and admire you. Back to lurking.

themidwife Sun 04-Aug-13 06:44:27

Hi LNM - I was around on your first thread & have just lurked since. So sorry to hear you've been unwell & things have got on top of you. You've had so much on your plate the last few weeks so it's no surprise you've had a breakdown. I'm glad your friend is looking after you. Thinking of you thanksthanks

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 04-Aug-13 08:10:04

I'm still here too. brewbrewbrewbrewbrewthanks

So sorry you aren't in a good place. What have the hospital done to help you? Do you have any mental health care plans in place?

Feel free to pm me anytime.
It will get better, the old cliche of time.

sorry to hear this LNM but glad you're staying with a friend and taking a break from home and the girls, much as you miss them.

how come you ended up staying in hospital? and yes as jax has i'm wondering what support they've left in place now you've been discharged.

cjel Sun 04-Aug-13 09:20:17

Morning LNM, So glad you are back , love the joke about getting more rest!!! Trouble is there is activity and activity!! I think its a good idea now to almost do some sort of occupationally therapy type stuff. I don't know what you like (after me and ex split someone asked me what I did for fun and I burst into tears because I had no idea what I did for funsad) It really is the things like art, writing, baking, walking, listening to music etc. do you have any of those things? I can remember sitting on a beach with my sister, she wrote and I had oil paints result was rubbish but we laughed at what we were doing, results don't matter its what you get from doing it that counts.
Hope you are feeling bit better today and also echo about you don't always have to be bright on here, this is a place where you can be open - we can take it!!flowers

LoserNoMore Sun 04-Aug-13 10:39:01

Oh thank you, it's nice to wake up to such kind messages flowers

I have a counselling session this week which was arranged by my GP a few weeks ago. I also have a CPN who will contact me too. I do feel like a total failure. If it was anyone else I'd tell them it was far from being a failure and I know it's not. Taking help in times like this is the right thing to do. I just hate that things have spiralled out of my control. I feel terribly guilty that I don't feel I can provide emotional stability for the girls right now. I need to get better, fast.

Sorry, waffling on. No plans today, weather isn't great. Just going to find a book to read and lose myself for a few hours.

cjel Sun 04-Aug-13 10:56:00

Don't think you 'need to get better fast' Get better properly how ever long it takes, do it once and for all not quick fix that won't last. takeyour time to care for yuorself for a bit . dds are fine.x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lazarusb Sun 04-Aug-13 11:21:27

Hi LNM. Sorry to hear things haven't been so good. I've been lurking for a few days as you were quiet, but I have been thinking about you. I spent Thursday on the beach with the dcs and thought about you a lot, I know you like beaches. The crashing waves and the smell of chips. No sand here though - just bloody great pebbles.

I had a breakdown in 1999 related to bereavement. Don't feel guilty about it. I've said it very often and it bears repeating - there's no shame in asking for and receiving help. I'd go so far as to say that there is great strength in doing so. You are being very hard on yourself - give yourself a bit of time and love. You are not a failure by any means, you are a great mum and a lovely person. Don't worry about 'losing control', sometimes we have to, however difficult it is. Reaching rock bottom means we start moving back up. You aren't alone LNM, we are all here. PM me any time, I'm always checking e-mails! smile & flowers - I'm guessing you're not really a flowers woman but have some anyway! ((((hugs))))!

LoserNoMore Sun 04-Aug-13 11:26:14

Wow saf, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not going into every last detail of my life on here. I was told I would have a visit at home from a CPN. If you are doubting the credibility of things I have said I can't prove otherwise.

Anyway I'm out of here also. Thanks for all the support the past few months, I'd have been lost without it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wooly31 Sun 04-Aug-13 13:19:40

Saf-I am delurking to say i work in a general hospital and in certain situations/circumstances what lmn describes is very likely. Lmn that is very sad and i hope you get well soon. Take all support you can. Re-lurkingx

VulvaVoom Sun 04-Aug-13 14:06:08

Delurking to say I'm sorry you're so low LNM and to wish you all the best.

SAF I think whatever your feelings are/were you should have kept quiet, I can see you've given lots of support over the past few months and I imagine what you've said was a bit hurtful, especially at the moment.

I'm not trying to have a dig at you but feel someone had to say it.

JollyGolightly Sun 04-Aug-13 15:00:09

Public services are indeed very different in Scotland, I can understand that Southerners might find that surprising. Still no grounds for openly questioning a poster's veracity, SAF.

ArtemisFoul Sun 04-Aug-13 15:09:23

I always change a few minor details online as I'm terrified of being found out, anyone with sense does the same. I've been called out due to this in the past.

Hope you're feeling better LNM.

bleedingheart Sun 04-Aug-13 16:28:58

I check this thread often to see how you are LNM, I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it but I'm glad your friend has come through for you and I hope you have time to start healing so you can be reunited with your lovely girls soon.
Take good care.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Sun 04-Aug-13 16:37:20

I'm a frequent lurker. You are a brave, strong, witty woman LNM. Things will get better. You have done all the right things to help yourself. There are many here who hope you will come back to the thread. But only if it's helpful to you.

lazarusb Sun 04-Aug-13 17:13:18

Have PMed you LNM.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 04-Aug-13 18:33:30

Hey LNM, I'm still here and and noted and worried as you've not been around. I just got busy moving country and trying to deal with an unsettled toddler (among other things). But I'm glad things are moving in terms of counselling etc. i hope you find it helpful.
Rubbish weather and losing yourself in a book sounds lovely - it's been 35+ degrees here and I can't take it! My first day here was spent completely indoors with the shutters closed. Still, at least it was cooler today.

cjel Sun 04-Aug-13 20:29:58

LNM. Hope you will be ok. love to be in touch again when you feel up to it. Look after yourself.x

NoMoreLoser Sun 04-Aug-13 20:42:25

Thanks cjel, and thanks to everyone for all the support. I couldn't just leave on a sour note. I won't be posting again on the thread, I'm not flouncing and not leaving in some dramatic way. It just doesn't feel right any more.I appreciate every post of support since way back in April. I can't quite believe its now August, it'll be Christmas soon.

It's probably a good thing, I can concentrate more on RL support I guess.

Thanks again flowers

Ps- if anyone is wondering about my username I deregistered but came back to pick up some pm's.

themidwife Sun 04-Aug-13 22:25:26

Good luck & I'm sure it'll all work out in the end thanks

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 05-Aug-13 17:48:25

Good luck to you.

toothgenie Mon 05-Aug-13 18:29:50

Good luck, be kind to yourself, you deserve it. J

thistlelicker Sun 11-Aug-13 00:27:16

Sorry to see u have decided to leave your thread! All the best for the future x

minkembernard Tue 13-Aug-13 00:39:56

All the best hen. I missed keeping up on your thread for a bit and now you have gone.
You have been through some rough ride through no fault of your own.
I hope it gets betterflowers

Fairenuff Wed 28-Aug-13 10:32:57

Just checking in to see how you've been these last few weeks. Not sure if you're still reading this but we are still here for you if you want to come back with an update, a rant, a moan or a happy anecdote or two.

NoMoreLoser Sun 01-Sep-13 00:27:24

Ah thanks for thinking of me fairenuff.

I have finally left my old job and I'm much happier now in my new job. Much less stress for the same money, win win!

Dd's are great as always. Nothing else happening really
, just plodding along with work and girls. Took a step back from JD but still in contact.

I'm a bit tipsy tonight, girls with their dad and I'm soaking my feet after bring working from 7-5 today omg not used to it!

NoMoreLoser Sun 01-Sep-13 00:37:03

Ahhhh I felt like it had been months since I posted but its not even been a month.

I'm kinda scared to post for advice for some reason and believe there is lots to say but I don't want to leave mysf open to be accused of lying blah blah. smile I've missed the support of here tbh but I've managed.,.somewhat.

JollyGolightly Sun 01-Sep-13 01:46:30

It's good to know you're still there. Brilliant result with the job.
Lots of support here if you need it, I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking of you and hoping that things continue to improve.

Conina Sun 01-Sep-13 02:07:45

Oh NML im so pleased something good has happened. Congratulations on your new job. I was a lurker and typed oyt message after message but I never found the right words. Its why I dont post much - fat fingers, tiny phone and a translation error between brain n screen.

There are other boards you could post on?

Im so pleased youre still here and Im sure Iim one of several who have been lookibg out for you x flowers

lazarusb Sun 01-Sep-13 19:46:18

Congratulations on the new job flowers I've been looking out for you (although August has been a bit mad!). Have been thinking of you though. Hoping things have settled a bit for you in all areas and you are beginning to move forward one way or another x

skyeskyeskye Sun 01-Sep-13 20:57:39

I've been lurking mainly but I hope you feel much better soon and wish you all the best for your future.

tinfoilhat Mon 02-Sep-13 00:44:26

Good to hear from you and so glad you found a new job and that life is moving forward. We are all still here for support/whatever!

PyroclasticFlo Tue 03-Sep-13 18:15:06

Hi LNM (or NML?) wink I've been off MN for a while, just checking in today for first time in ages and really sorry to see what a tough time you've been having.

It's great to hear that you're in a new job and looking after yourself. As someone else said, don't think about needing to get better soon - there doesn't need to be a time scale. Just treat yourself kindly and use this space to vent / rant / ponder as much as you like.

What a shame someone had to upset you by questioning the truth of what you'd said, this should be somewhere you can come for support.

Sorry I've not been around much lately, but have been thinking of you - big hugs and well done for carrying on, seeking and receiving help. It's all positive, and getting ever more so flowers

NoMoreLoser Mon 07-Apr-14 20:58:12

Taken me ages to find this thread but I just thought I'd pop by. Not sure if anyone will even remember me but thought I'd come on to say hi and thanks to you lovely people who gave me so much support.

I can't believe a full year has passed since my original thread.

flowers

Singingbird Mon 07-Apr-14 22:15:29

I remember your threads. Hope things worked out for you.

Terrortree Mon 07-Apr-14 22:25:08

I was thinking about you the other day. How are things?

Name changed but yes l remember your threads..
How are you and your DC's?

NoMoreLoser Mon 07-Apr-14 23:11:35

We are all good thank you.

Dc's are doing great, just enjoying the start of Easter holidays.

It's been a very long hard year but things are finally falling into place and we are happy.

Bitofkipper Mon 07-Apr-14 23:24:50

I remember you and what a rotten time you were going through.
Horrible when posters are driven away from their own threads and cut off from the support on offer.
So pleased things are calmer for you.

MushroomSoup Tue 08-Apr-14 09:23:31

I'm checking in too! Lovely to hear from you x

middleeasternpromise Tue 08-Apr-14 10:11:33

well done you I love to see people coming through that awful life breaking experience, gives hope to others x

NoMoreLoser Tue 08-Apr-14 11:38:11

Thank you smile

Itsfab Tue 08-Apr-14 12:45:38

I remember you, NML and saw your first post on your first thread. I can't believe it has been a year so goodness knows how you feel.

I hope you are feeling more positive.

Livvylongpants Tue 08-Apr-14 12:48:11

I remember you, has it been a year!!! How are you all now

wooly31 Tue 08-Apr-14 15:08:54

I remember you and I'm sure lots of people do too!! You were very brave. Hope the job worked out and you are in a positive place. Thanks for updating - it gives hope.

DangerRabbit Tue 08-Apr-14 15:13:57

I remember your original threads! Glad to hear you are doing well

Thank you for popping back to say hello; I have been thinking of you. I remember your first post and how strong you've been since then.

Onwards and upwards! thanks

NoMoreLoser Tue 08-Apr-14 15:42:37

Ah thanks.

We are good livvy

Job is good and we also moved house which I'm in the middle of painting. Got lots to look forward to.

Ex is still being his usual self wallowing in self pity but no surprise there.

I can't believe it's been a year either, so much has happened. I read my first thread yesterday trying to find this one and was very weird. It kind of took me back to those first initial raw feelings but made me think how far I've come.

Fairenuff Tue 08-Apr-14 17:04:05

Hi LNM, so glad you came back with an update, it's good to hear you sounding so happy smile

What a difference a year makes!

NoMoreLoser Tue 08-Apr-14 17:16:04

Hey Fairenuff, thank you. Really nice to hear from you, hope you're well.

A year makes the world of difference.

BakerStreetSaxRift Tue 08-Apr-14 19:27:19

I remember your thread, I've thought about you a lot since! Glad to hear things are going well for you, you copied so admirably well with what was thrown at you.

lazarusb Tue 08-Apr-14 21:08:52

Hi! brew Nice to see you back, I hadn't forgotten you either. Some posters just stay in your head. I'm glad you and the children are moving forward, I'm sorry your ex is still being a pain in the backside - some things never change wink

It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself in a year on your own smile

NoMoreLoser Wed 09-Apr-14 00:12:00

Thank you Baker, that's very kind.

Really nice to hear from you too Lazarus.

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