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(89 Posts)
mummytasha11 Mon 08-Jul-13 20:49:47

Hi everyone

Have posted on here quite a lot recently and found all the advice great...hopefully this will be the last time..

So my ex fiancé has said he has now realised (4 months) later the mistake he has made and asked if its too late to sort things. Last week he said he loved me and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but now he's saying all this.

Background is he left me in march our wedding was booked for aug. he also left me 2 years ago when i was pregnant with our ds

He did find out yesterday that I have been speaking to someone else ( nice guy I met out a few weeks ago)

I have said that I cnt see a future for us as a couple because I don't trust him and can't see me ever feeling the same

Am I doing the right thing?

Doha Mon 08-Jul-13 20:52:53

Yes without a doubt.

I you go back he will do it again but you know that don't you

KnittedWaffle Mon 08-Jul-13 20:55:31

You are definitely doing the right thing.

You can't live your life wondering if he's going to do a runner every time something serious (baby, marriage) happens in your life. They are the times you need stability and support the most.

Xales Mon 08-Jul-13 20:55:33

He has left you twice. You cannot trust him not to do it again and again.

It is not fair on your DC for him to be in and out and you are right not to trust him.

Was there someone else the green grass has died a bit with?

Or just that you are only attractive to him when you are interested in someone else and they are interested in you?

mummytasha11 Mon 08-Jul-13 20:55:36

Yeah I do know that it's not if he will its when. He makes me feel so guilty though.
I just don't want to be in a relationships where I'm constantly worrying about where he is, who he's
Talking to, etc!

I just don't want to regret saying there's no way

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 08-Jul-13 21:00:58

You are doing the right thing.

He is just having a flash of 'oh I dont want her right now, but i dont want someone else to have her if i change my mind'

He would just leave again once he knew he 'had' you again.

You and your dc require much better!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten Mon 08-Jul-13 21:04:13

Unless he has had some kind of miraculous personality transplant, you KNOW how it's going to end.

Come on, wake up OP. Do you honestly think there's no connection whatsoever between him discovering that you are talking to another guy and his sudden "realisation"?

He sees that you are moving on and he doesn't like it so he's going to reel you back in again for more of the same. More fool you if you let him walk all over you AGAIN.

mummytasha11 Mon 08-Jul-13 21:26:16

I need to be strong and just say it don't I?

Mixxy Mon 08-Jul-13 21:27:22

I was left 3 weeks before my wedding. I married another lovely man a few years later and have an adorable DS.
Funnily enough, there's a better man out there for you too.

I never looked back. Not even to spit on him.

You have the baby with him, so enjoy him squirming while some nive bloke sweeps you off your feet.

TimeofChange Mon 08-Jul-13 21:28:20

OP: Please, please, please do NOT give him another chance.

You deserve much better treatment.

Wake up, woman.

tribpot Mon 08-Jul-13 21:31:09

He makes me feel so guilty though.

So he's left you (twice), once in the run-up to a wedding and once when you were pregnant. And you feel guilty? The guy sure knows how to push your buttons - leaves you at moments of high emotional dependence, tries to reel you back in as soon as there's a hint someone else might be on the scene.

You would have to be crazy to resume a relationship with someone this flaky/manipulative just because you were worried you might regret it later. You have ample reason to consider that this guy is not a good bet. You can't ever know what the other option would have brought you but of the two options in front of you, one seems staggeringly more likely to let you be happy than the other.

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 21:36:15

Interesting timing, huh ?

He found out you had been talking to another man, and suddenly he can't live without you

What bollocks. Look at his past behaviour and ask yourself if he is any good for you.

mummytasha11 Mon 08-Jul-13 21:44:38

I know it's logical but a part of me is clinging on and I don't know why

MissStrawberry Mon 08-Jul-13 21:48:33

Sounds like neither of you really want to be together. He is messing you about and you are flirting with another man. Call it quits.

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 15:32:15

He's been asking me what I'm thinking, saying he will do anything....arghh pulling my hair out over this

Is it bad that I don't want to and just want to draw a line under it and move on..feel like I should give it another
Go if only for my ds

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 09-Jul-13 15:39:43

Is it bad that I don't want to and just want to draw a line under it and move on

No, it is not bad. That is your last shred of self-esteem talking. Listen to it.

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 15:39:50

The same DS he walked out on? No, don't do i t for your son. Tell him he blew BOTH of his chances for yourself. I know its tempting to try to tie a nice little bow around your former fiance and the father of your child and play happy families, bit this guy hasn't changed.

It is bad that you dont want to to draw a line and move on. Sorry, but it is. And you know that yourself. There's even been another guy interested in you, proving that there are other fish in the sea and that they are interested in you.

Lemonylemon Tue 09-Jul-13 15:42:26

"He makes me feel so guilty though." About what? Not going back to him? He's a knob....

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 15:56:26

He will do anything .. but he can't change the past, can he? He has demonstrated a willingness to walk away from you when it suits him; even last week he was saying he didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Stop letting him into your head to mess you up - you know what your instinct is telling you. Your ds does not need to grow up seeing his dad repeatedly leaving and coming back.

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 16:39:18

I just feel like one day I might regret not giving him another chance but how many chances should one person get?

He is the only person I have ever been with and I thought we would be together forever but he ruined that.

Nothing would ever be the same and I can't ever imagine marrying him or having any more dc...just no future for us

PoundlandClareRayner Tue 09-Jul-13 17:00:47

You are completely contradicting yourself in every post, love

You know he isn't worth it

Let it go

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 17:06:09

He's a twat and will always let you down. You have the chance of a new life without him - grab it with both hands. How dare he let you down and then complain when you find someone else?

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 17:50:55

You might regret it. Or you might end up regretting having wasted more years of your life on someone who clearly isn't interested in making you feel happy or secure. Meanwhile, you might be missing out on meeting someone better, or having a joyful, secure life on your own with your ds.

Why am I sensing that he used these exact words to you, 'you will regret not giving us another chance'?

Life is a series of calculated risks. If you think the risk of letting him back in is worth it, that's your choice - but you dont' even want to, you're just being made to feel guilty for not wanting to.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 17:55:01

Has he been seeing anyone else meanwhile?

Jux Tue 09-Jul-13 18:26:18

You're far more likely to regret giving it yet another go.

Put him behind you. Your child may have a relationship with him, but you don't have to.

Don't you think it might not be coincidental that you've been speaking to another guy, and ex has suddenly decided he loves you yada yada yada?

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 20:18:30

He has talked to a few girls I think..not sure to be honest.

I definitely need to tell him don't I?

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 20:36:25

Why did he leave you when you were pregnant?

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 20:38:53

He panicked and now hve found out it was guilty conscious because he slept with someone else when we were together and pregnant...I have only found this out in the last few months. We got back together before our little boy was born.

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 20:39:47

He really is a charmer, isn't he?

You are happy without him. End of.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 09-Jul-13 20:47:14

I am sorry. You are doing the right thing.

Do you have to speak to him at all? It sounds like it makes you waiver. Could a family member or a rude friend do the telling to go away if you are too weak right now?

Also, would you consider time for you to reflect with a counsellor maybe why you feel guilty and think such behaviour is acceptable?

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Jul-13 20:48:05

Yes, mummytasha, you definitely need to tell him.

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 21:00:08

I don't know what to say though to make it clear

You blown it. I can't do it anymore

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 21:23:29

You don't have to explain yourself. He left you - you're not in a relationship with him. And you certainly don't have to resume it just because he wants to. You just say (repeatedly) "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in a relationship with you. In future I would like our discussions to be around contact with ds". And then you leave.

If he doesn't seem to be getting it it's probably because he knows he can wear you down. So avoid that situation being possible, by avoiding him.

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 21:24:11

Yup. Just that. No need to elaborate. He knows why you're rejecting him. And don't debate it with him. You don't owe him an explanation.

Tell us about the new guy showing interest in you. Is he a good bloke?

PoundlandClareRayner Tue 09-Jul-13 21:30:44

You don't have to convince him he is no good for you

It's enough that you know

You will never make him see the error of his ways. You could throw the rest of your life away on trying to make him understand and it would be wasted.

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 21:32:24

He seems nice. We met a couple of weeks ago the bumped into each other again and exchanged numbers..if nothing else it has been nice to take my mind of my ex and has made me realise that there Are other men out there....

I know I'm definitely not in the right place for anything serious but a bit of fun can't do any harm surely?

I don't know if this is blighting my decision to get back with my ex though in a bad way..

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 21:42:29

Your decision to reject the ex should stand alone: abandoned you while pregnant then left you before the wedding. Thats it.

Maybe meet this new guy for a coffee or lunch. A flirty bit of fun would be good for you.

Badvoc Tue 09-Jul-13 21:47:29

He sounds a real catch.
Don't look back would be my advice.

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 21:52:44

Did he say that to you? Your head's been turned and now you're not thinking about putting the family first and other such bollocks?

Let's face it. If you really wanted to get back with your ex, the most harmless bit of flirtation imaginable with someone else would hardly be swaying your decision.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 21:56:27

He broke your relationship. You say you know that logically, which is good. It is just taking a little while longer for your emotions to know that too.

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 22:16:51

I have told him I don't see a future for us and I can't ever trust him

He is now saying he will go to counselling, will talk more about his feelings, that I am his one true love and he will always feel like this.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 22:24:19

Sounds like he has swallowed a book, or been on MN.

Personally I dont trust him.

In my book, trust has to be earned. In his case, I think it would take 6 months of near perfect behaviour for me to trust him.
Can a leopard change it's spots - not very often imo.

What do you think?

mummytasha11 Tue 09-Jul-13 22:26:32

I think he's saying all the right things but actions speak louder than words

Doha Tue 09-Jul-13 22:30:10

Remember NO is a complete sentence !!

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 09-Jul-13 22:50:45

Reduce contact to just details concerning your DS, contact arrangements etc. and via email or text if you can. If he persists in bugging you is there anyone else you can get to do handovers for a while?

He is only doing this because he can tell you are healing and moving on.

He wants you to remain on that hook.

You are there only to give him an ego boost. Regardless of what he says, this is what he actually means.

Zynnia Tue 09-Jul-13 22:55:43

My x loaded a lot of guilt on me when I left him. I had left and gone back to him as well btw (big mistake). But I realised that just because he was not 100% bad; that didn't mean I owed him another chance. He'd made me think that because he had some good in him that I owed it to him. Of course I owed him nothing. My life was not a sacrifice to his convenience. I wish I'd realised it sooner.

tribpot Tue 09-Jul-13 23:46:11

he will go to counselling, will talk more about his feelings

Still all about him, isn't it? What about you? The problem is not that he won't talk about his feelings, it's that he craps on yours on a regular basis.

This has been going on for less than a week. He's tried 'saying the right things' for a few days to see what happens.

mummytasha11 Wed 10-Jul-13 07:50:06

I've told him there's no way back and that we both need closure
and woken up this morning wondering if I've done the right thing...confused

Officershitty Wed 10-Jul-13 08:36:55

I have just read this thread and think that this man is emotionally damaging you. Your relationship to him is not healthy. It is normal to wonder whether you have done the right thing, of course, but you have.
You have done yourself a favour by breaking away. Do not go back to him. Get some RL support and sort out contact for your DS but be businesslike. If he starts that crap about 'I'll change' etc bollocks do NOT engage with it. Do not respond.
You do not need some flaky bloke in your life pissing you around.
Give this new guy a chance and do not entertain the flaky bollocks your ex is throwing you. Go out with 10 other blokes if you need to see there are more fish in the sea.

pictish Wed 10-Jul-13 08:45:35

For the love of GOD do NOT even consider entering into further relations with this flakey, selfish, immature man!

mummytasha11 Wed 10-Jul-13 09:18:54

I have rl support and all of them say the same thing but something still tells me I'm doing the wrong thing.
Keep looking at my ds and crying we could have had a great life

tribpot Wed 10-Jul-13 09:23:09

There is every reason to suppose you and your ds are going to have a better life without this guy around 24*7. It's not surprising you feel daunted by having made a significant decision but you only have to re-read your comments on this thread to see that your brain is telling you to protect yourself and your ds from further hurt.

BIWI Wed 10-Jul-13 09:27:36

You could have had a great life, if your exP was a trustworthy man with integrity and respect for you.

In fact he cheated on you and abandoned you and your child.

What kind of great life would you have with a man like that?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 10-Jul-13 09:32:45

You could have had a great life, if he was a totally different person: the man that you wanted him to be.

But he's not.

He's the man that he is, and you wanting it to be different cannot change reality.

He. Will. Not. Change.

If you go back to him I'd put money on you being back here in a few months time because he's fucked off again. You'll be back to square 1 only worse because it will have screwed up your son.

He's talking out of his arse. Don't listen to the crap.

Officershitty Wed 10-Jul-13 09:35:47

You're mourning for your ideal of the future, not for what really will happen if you did go back to him- more of the same. Try and be brave and don't take the coward's way out of going back for more shit. With a brave face, look to the future.

FruminousBandersnatch Wed 10-Jul-13 10:00:48

You could have had a great life if he hadn't cheated on you, if he hadn't walked out on you when you were pregnant and if he hadn't done a runner before your wedding.

All that to me says you should find someone to whom there are no 'ifs' attached.

You should be with a man who feels honoured to be with you and is man enough to look down the barrel of any challenge with you. Not some spineless git who does a runner when faced with a perfectly normal life event.

This guy is a deadbeat and he will NEVER change. NEVER EVER. Believe me - seen it, done it, got the t shirt.

Please move on, OP.

mummytasha11 Wed 10-Jul-13 13:58:50

He's been sending me pictures of the good times we had and saying he feels empty inside

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 10-Jul-13 14:03:04

why are you even opening the messages he sends, still?

BIWI Wed 10-Jul-13 14:04:35

Bet he isn't sending you photos or recollections of the bad times though, is he? Oh wait - he didn't have any bad times. But you did - and they were his fault

Don't open the messages.

Doha Wed 10-Jul-13 14:06:03

you have been warned but you don't seem to be listening.
He will not change, he only wants you away from from the OM and as soon as he has got you back he will smirk to hmiself, give himself a massive pat on the back and then dump you again. He really does not want you he just doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Just delete his texts before opening them

LisaMed Wed 10-Jul-13 14:23:25

He is saying very clearly - here is a picture of a happy time now shut the fuck up and let me shag other women. And don't you DARE be happy without me.

You shut up long enough to take this picture so swallow and smile and do what I want. Be miserable and available and make me feel needed.

that's my opinion, anyway. Give yourself a holiday from replying to him about anything except your child. There is no law that says you have to reply to him. There is certainly no law to say you have to reply immediately. You can try running things past here or your friends in rl. How concerned is he with the welfare of your son during this? I hope this point of view helps.

Officershitty Wed 10-Jul-13 16:11:12

Classic actions of a manipulative git. He wants to manipulate you, he doesn't care about your feelings. it's about power and pride with him. Classic dysfunctional behaviour, I'm afraid. Refer back to my previous post AND all the very good advice that has been given to you by other posters. Don't be fooled, get a bit hard- hearted FGS.

wispa31 Wed 10-Jul-13 17:08:17

do.not.go.back. EVER!! someone once said something to me which i think you need to hear - look back, but dont stare.
no good will come of going back to him. he is only sniffing around as another man has shown an interest in you, give this man a chance, even if just for a coffee or lunch or something, doesnt have to mean declaring undying love for him but just for you to see that it is possible to enjoy life without this pathetic loser.

Jan45 Wed 10-Jul-13 17:09:16

When you said he left when you were pregnant I immediately thought into the arms of another woman, which you have now confirmed, then he left just before you were due to get married, there's enough signs there now to tell you this isn't going to work.

And, now, that he knows you're in conversation with another man, he's all over you, what does that tell you?

Have your fun with the new guy, in fact have fun with whatever guy takes your fancy, go enjoy your life and don't let this deadbeat drag you down any more, he's not for you, if he was, you wouldn't be in this situation.

By all means give him one last chance if you must, but I'm sure if you do you will realise pretty quickly that it's the end.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Jul-13 17:11:06

I suspect we are all wasting our time here

Officershitty Wed 10-Jul-13 17:16:14

AnyFucker, sadly I have the feeling you might be right. But I hope not.

Xales Wed 10-Jul-13 18:31:38

Those pictures he is sending you. When are they of? Had he left the first time? Or the second?

The pictures may be of fantastically great times.

They can never replace the heartache and shit that your child has gone through the last 4 months.

They will never make it worth having this man back for when he does it again. You know full well he will do it again.

Because if you take him back you are showing him no matter how shit he treats you and your child you will have him back so he can do what he likes.

Who cares how your child copes with it?

Xales Wed 10-Jul-13 18:36:43

How did you when he left you?

How did you feel phoning up and cancelling the wedding venue?

How did you feel cancelling where you were having your service?

How did you feel cancelling the dress? The cake? The flowers? The rings?

How did you feel telling all your friends and family?

Did you take off an engagement ring? How did that feel?

Did your child cry for him since he left? How do you think your child feels?

You are just starting to pull yourself together and move on.

Don't be a fool and take him back.

tribpot Wed 10-Jul-13 18:52:16

He's been sending me pictures of the good times we had and saying he feels empty inside

Yes. He's manipulating you. Newsflash: it's what he does.

yamsareyammy Wed 10-Jul-13 19:19:40

He is very emotionally clever isnt he?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Jul-13 19:34:46

And why, pray, are his feelings of emptiness your responsibility?

What did you do to make him feel empty? You gave birth to his baby, you forgave him for shagging around and running off, you booked a wedding, you looked forward to a life with the father of your child. And what did he do? He fecked off again. I bet you felt empty inside 'n' all, but did he take responsibility for that? No - he's just telling you now how he feels.

I totally agree with everyone who's said it's actually to do with another man sniffing around "his" property, er, fiancée, er, ex-fiancée... basically that if he ever should feel like strolling back into your life you might not be available to be strolled back to. This has caused him a temporary panic, but you can be pretty sure that once everything is back to what previously passed for normal he'll be ready to bolt again.

Ever heard the saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? He's heading for a third go. The only shame you should feel is letting yourself be taken for a mug yet again.

Now play this old, cheesy anthem, swiftly followed by this one, and any others you like that basically say "sod you for leaving me", dance around with DS and revel in a lucky escape.

Zyn Wed 10-Jul-13 21:52:15

listen to Annie. I agree, what is he like telling you about his feelings of emptiness after he left you twice confused

Jux Wed 10-Jul-13 23:02:26

Annie is soooo right. You owe this pathetic excuse for a man nothing.

What will happen?

You take him back: you spend the whole time walking eggshells because you will never know whether he's just going to dump you again today. And your ds getting older and noticing when his dad suddenly disappears from e family home and that mummy is sad and upset.

And you know beyond all doubt that he will dump you again.

Youd don't take him: you get stronger and stronger without him. You go out on some dates, some of which will be better than oers. You meet a genuinely nice man who loves you and ds and you live a happy life, and so does your ds - who is completely OK with his dad not being around as it's always been like that. He grows up feeling loved and safe, and well adjusted.

Block his number on your phone, or simply change your sim and do not give him the number of the new one. Use the current sim for calls from him but only put it in the phone once a month when you have a friend with you so you can be strong when you see his texts etc.

Tell your ex that he can only contact you via email and only about contact with ds.

mummytasha11 Thu 11-Jul-13 19:34:57

I have asked him to give me some space and we will talk at the weekend and I will give him my final answer....can't see it going well

Doha Thu 11-Jul-13 19:38:20

So why wait until the weekend for the final answer?

I hope that does not mean that you are considering taking him back. If you are more fool you. If you are not wanting him back pout an end to this nonsense now and stop dragging it out.

fruminousbandersnatch Thu 11-Jul-13 19:56:00

OP, You've been given brilliant advice on this thread and you've ignored it.

What is the point of talking at the weekend? You know that if you see him you will be talked into giving him 'another chance' to fuck you over again.

I give up.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 11-Jul-13 20:16:51

Just because he isn't a complete ogre and does have some nice points does not mean you owe him the rest of your life.

You have many reasons to end it with him but you don't seem to feel they are valid. Honestly, because you want to end it is a good enough reason alone.

Doha Thu 11-Jul-13 23:20:57

Are you actually enjoying the drama of it all Mummytasha11???

Mixxy Fri 12-Jul-13 04:17:48

I hate to attack OPs, but doha has a point. Nobody here has told you, in any way, that taking him back is a good idea. In fact, it seems like a no-brainer. However, if you want to walk down the aisle with this pig, go ahead. Sounds like you want it. Just don't complain when it goes tits up. Which it will of course...

Walkacrossthesand Fri 12-Jul-13 07:18:41

Here's the thing. You've been unable to hold out against his wheedling/guilt-tripping even when it's not face-to-face, and you've agreed to meet up with him. Chances of you holding fast and not giving him 'another chance' when you meet up? Approximately zero. Chances of you being back here in 6months/1year/whatever, because history has repeated itself and you wish you hadn't? Approximately 100%. You're the only one that can change the course of this particular river. He doesn't want to - he likes the way things are - and we can't do it for you.

Beckamaw Fri 12-Jul-13 07:52:49

I don't know your ex, and nor do the other posters. This is probably the thought that is keeping your hope afloat.

However, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always had.
You think your child deserves a chance at a stable life with both parents. Your ex has never, ever given that option!!
Put your child first. A child deserves stability; not some prick who swans in and out as he feels fit.

Choose. Choose to have yourself and your precious child crapped on again. Choose to confuse your child completely. Choose to have your child think this is a normal and desirable way to conduct relationships. Or choose to reject your ex and give him the stability he deserves.

The power is all in your hands.

Jux Fri 12-Jul-13 08:54:36

Don't meet him at the w/e. you can easily text him with a short message "can't make it, sorry". If he wants to know why, you don't actually owe him an answer and you don't have to explain. You can, if you must, just say something has come up. That's the absolute most he's entitled to. Don't give him more.

You have no need to meet him, to listen to his lies again.

Get on with your life. Make it a happy one without this lying tosser figuring in it.

Your son will be fine seeing his dad every other w/e, like millions of other children are. Your son will not be fine with a dad who is constantly lying, controlling you, making you miserable and stressed. Call a halt to it now. You have nothing to gain by allowing this to continue and everything to lose.

Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to your boy.

mummytasha11 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:28:07

I have sent him a text message saying basically I have thought about it and my decision is the same and I don't see any point in meeting up as will be too hard.

He replied saying I was afraid of that

Now I have to face him tomorrow as he is having his son....

Hope I have done the right thing

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 22:01:30

Are you naturally an indecisive person?

mummytasha11 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:14:45

I think I probably am or maybe it's just fear of the unknown

NettleTea Fri 12-Jul-13 22:27:41

arrange for someone else to do the contact handover. the longer you go without seeing him the stronger you will feel, and the more you will realise you dont need a creep like that messing with your head

Jux Sat 13-Jul-13 10:35:54

You probably aren't indecisive really. You've had your head messed with so much for so long that you don't know which way is up. Ibet if he said that black was white you'd be spending some time seeing white - just because he said it was.

Keep any contact with him as short as possible. Try not to see him at all - do you have someone you can ask to do handovers for you? The less opportunity he has to mess with you, the more sure you will become. You'll see things so much more clearly.

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