Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trying to start again with DP after split, I'm so confused :(

(30 Posts)
WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 07-Jul-13 21:38:41

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just trying to make sense of it all in my head. I posted about this about a month ago when it happened- DP and I split up while he was working abroad, after he decided he wasn't attracted to me anymore as I was too fat, that was the only real reason he gave at the time. He's since come back from working abroad and apologised, he claims he was under a lot of stress at the time and he didn't mean to upset me and went about it all the wrong way, admittedly it was out of character for him. He now wants to start again. I don't really know what I want in all honesty, in some ways he's really trying to make a go of things again properly, in other ways I'm not so sure. I feel like he's behaving more like himself again, but then I didn't see it coming the first time and I'm not completely sure he's not going to do the same thing again the next time he's particularly stressed at work. Not sure what to do for the best really.

ThedementedPenguin Sun 07-Jul-13 21:42:21

It's a tough decision.

On one hand you say it was out of character but it was totally unacceptable. How would you feel/react if it happened again?

I'm not sure what to write here to be honest, but didn't want to read and run

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 07-Jul-13 22:05:35

I should probably reread the original thread and remind myself how rubbish he made me feel, but I can't. I'm trying to lose weight but it comes off all the wrong places, rather than the areas he has a problem with. I think I still want to be with him, I'm just not sure if I want to be with him the way he was, not the way he is now if that makes sense.

Ihavetopushthepramalot Sun 07-Jul-13 22:19:43

Try not to concentrate on what he wants, what do you want? Things will never go back to how they were so you have to decide if this new relationship can make you happy or not.
Only judging by what you've said it seems like you want to lose weight for him which is always going to end badly. Maybe take a step back and think about what you're getting out of this. What do you like about him? In the here and now, not the past.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:23:53

Very convenient that you're 'too fat' when he's away from home but, now he wants back in, you're suddenly OK again. hmm Sounds like he had someone on the side when he was away.... stress my eye. Cherchez la femme I'd be telling the lying, condescending, insulting bastard to get out and stay out until I'd decided if he measured up to my new exacting standards for a partner... and not to hold his breath.

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 07-Jul-13 22:43:29

push that's a good point, thank you. I think I am thinking too much about what he wants and making him happy, I feel a bit like I want to make this work for him, not so sure if it's for me. But then I feel like it could be for both of us, if it works out. But I don't know if it will.

I think I'm still too fat cogito, the difference is he knows I'm trying to do something about it. He does accept his attitude needs to change though, so it's not just me trying to make this work. But then I'm not totally convinced I'm seeing evidence of that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:50:59

Your size is irrelevant. This is your self-respect we're talking about. He has no respect for you. If a random stranger walked up to you and said they found you unattractive because you were a bit too fat... would you be examining whether they were stressed and prepared to change their attitude or would you punch them on the nose and tell them to piss off?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 07-Jul-13 23:02:47

I remember your original thread.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result sad

LTB

Ihavetopushthepramalot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:19:21

Don't make this decision on what he says, make it on how you feel.
He cannot make you feel better about yourself/your relationship. I'm willing to bet no matter what he says/does, there will always be a niggling doubt in your mind that he doesn't find you attractive.

Do you live together? If so maybe ask him to move out for a while, while you decide what you want. It's only fair you get some time to think about it without the added pressure of him being around.

I think you'd be better off spending some time putting yourself first. What do you enjoy doing? Build up you confidence to a point where if you do decide to try and make things work you're both on an equal footing. At the moment your doing all the work for a relationship you're not even sure is worth having.

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 07-Jul-13 23:19:48

I guess he thinks he's helping, I'm not sure. He thinks there are some things only those close to you can be honest about, this being one of them- I guess he does have a point. That's probably his excuse for not mentioning he thought I was fat when we first got together. I don't know what I want to do tbh, the more I think about it the more confusing it gets. I do know I can't go on like this.

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Sun 07-Jul-13 23:27:04

We don't live together, no- we did until a month ago when we split up, although he works abroad a lot. He's currently renting a few minutes away. I don't really know how to get any confidence back if I'm perfectly honest, I can put on a good facade but I do know a lot of it's been trashed. But I still want him back (I think), which makes me sounds absolutely insane when you put it like that.

Ihavetopushthepramalot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:50:08

But he didn't say it in a helpful way he used it as a reason not to be with you. That's really hurtful and quite spiteful.

Think about it this way, if you made your OH feel as shit as you do and messed him about like he has you, would he stick around? And if he did do you think he would be the one agonising over what he could do to make it work again?

If you can't break it off straight away, just distance yourself, until you feel better about yourself. Every time you want to meet/speak to him think of something better to do. Meet some friends, read a book, go for a run. Whatever makes you happy. There is no magic way to become confident, losing weight won't suddenly make you happy and your relationship perfect. You just have to start putting yourself first more often. Eventually you'll feel better and realise how much you're worth.

Dozer Mon 08-Jul-13 06:10:21

Those who have seen your thread are unlikely to tell you this is a good idea.

He criticises loads of things about you, like being "lazy" and housekeeping, not just your weight, and anyway, you are not overweight AT ALL! Why are you still talking about yourself as if there is something wong with your weight?

Your dumping him has shocked him, but if you take him back, for how long would he be nice to you? He'll be angry that you dumped him, and clearly still thinks its his role and right to speak "home truths" (as he sees them) that make you feel shit.

Understandable that you're sad about not bring with him anymore and still have feelings for him. But really really not a good plan to get back with him.

It won't be anywhere near as confusing if you don't get back with him, or contact him, and talk to your mum and others in RL about what being with him was really like.

Dozer Mon 08-Jul-13 06:15:40

"I am slimmer now than when we got together. I'm a UK size 8/10.... I go to the gym, I swim and I do dance classes. I don't think I put any less effort into my appearance than I did three years ago, but DP clearly does."

Your BMI is fine. Your size is fine. Your physical health is fine, mental health not helped by him! Don't let him make you think you are anything other than fine!

Also, lots of people on the other thread thought he may well have an OW (he obviously wouldn't admit to that!), and he works away a LOT.

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 06:29:52

I lurked on your original thread.

Whatever you look like, size 0, size 4, size 6, whatever, will never be good enough for him.

Because its not about you, it's about him and his need to make you feel bad about yourself to make him feel good about himself.

Don't get back together with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 06:36:22

"I don't really know how to get any confidence back if I'm perfectly honest, "

I think a big part of getting your confidence back is to reject the person that is responsible for dragging it down. Andy Murray won yesterday in part because he has a team of coaches and sports psychologists constantly telling him he's a winner and getting him to believe in himself. You've got the exact opposite!!!

'Screw you'... would boost your confidence as would reinventing yourself as an independent woman that doesn't need some bloke telling her she looks nice in order to feel worthy. So kick this miserable liar to the kerb, dust yourself off, get a life for yourself... enjoy.

onefewernow Mon 08-Jul-13 08:31:21

Whatwouldbeyoncedo has it.

This man must have a sodding microscope on you. He is abusive.

If you want to feel better about yourself I suggest counselling. And staying away from him.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Jul-13 09:10:24

I remember your other thread.

Stay away from this nasty abusive bastard.

TotallyBursar Mon 08-Jul-13 09:44:34

I also remember your other thread.

Only you can look after yourself in this situation.
There was a lot more to this than feeling snug in your jeans.
You are minimising and justifying really unacceptable behaviour - he doesn't deserve it.

Why, if you are so fat and shit, are you perfectly ok when he has no shag or housekeeper at home? You either are all the things he said and it's a deal breaker, cruel but ok, or you are acceptable to have sex with and live with - if so the things he said and way he acts is just bog standard cheating cunt.
He wants to get back with you because you're already well trained and he gets bed and breakfast without the effort of pretending to be a decent bloke to get some other poor cow to accept him.

You can diet until you fit in baby gap, clean until even your carpet shines - it won't be enough because once the goal has been achieved he will want something else. You will never be good enough.
Why don't you deserve better than that?

I remember your other thread. Go and read it. Don't do this to yourself.

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:19:10

Are you a masochist, OP ?

I can't think of any reason why you keep clinging onto a man who is nothing but hurt and pain for you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 08-Jul-13 13:03:32

Your size is not the problem.

His demeaning of you, and your acceptance of it, is. He tells you "You are too xxx for me," and your reply is "Yes you're right, I'll try harder."

Whatever the adjective he might choose -- fat, thin, clever, stupid, posh, uneducated, ... -- this man has told you that you are not good enough. There's something very sad and wrong if you accept that this is so.

Far from being not good enough, OP, in fact you deserve far, far better than this man. Get rid of him, and work on your self-esteem with the energy that you used to spend trying to please him.

As I remember, you have also become guardian to a little girl? Is that right?

Either way -- do NOT get back together with him. First off, you can do so much better than this idiot. Second, if you do get back together, he will know that he can get away with this stupidity in the future. And most important, you need to have enough respect for yourself to tell people who mess you around to fuck off. I mean, look at this thread, you are worried about trying to lose weight even though you are not fat, don't let this guy fuck with your head anymore.

It's natural to still want him a bit but those are just the normal lingering feelings of regret and uncertainty after a relationship ends. They don't mean you should get back together. It just means you need to give yourself time to get over it, and probably stop contacting him until you do.

MaBumble Mon 08-Jul-13 14:06:28

I remember your original thread . I also remember thinking that you do not need to lose weight. 5'2" size 8-10?
If you want to be fitter and healthier for yourself, fine.
If he still wants you to starve yourself to a size zero, not fine!

The reason you are so confused it due to the damage someone who is supposed to love you did to your self confidence.
You are worth so much more. You deserved someone who fancies and cares for you, not your image,

Jan45 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:15:07

I don't know about your previous threads but it sounds to me like he was with an OW whilst abroad and that's why he ditched you but why he was nasty I don't know, maybe he's a nasty person, he now wants you back now he is here, how convenient.

To actually end a relationship with someone and use the words fat as a reason would indicate to me that this man only cares about himself and not you, sorry.

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Jul-13 16:33:09

I agree this man is why you don't have any confidence. You will find that once you are away from him your confidence will return by the bus load! He is dragging you down, it will hurt your life isn't going the way you thought it would.the dreams for the future all changed . But speaking as one who knows once you accept yourself and realise his negative attitude is about him not you , you will become so much happier!! I have just started dating someone who thinks I am smart and funny and clever all things I knew but having been ground into the ground for the last few years had forgotten about myself - and so will you, remember its easy to go back but what if 6 months down the line he rejects you again?? You've done the hard part, tell yourself you are fabulous the way you are and he was lucky to have you, his loss!

WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool Tue 09-Jul-13 16:45:40

I think I need to differentiate between how he used to behave towards me and how he does now. It probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like it's my fault, I'm not good enough for him. He's not making me happy at the moment and I know that, but I feel like it's my fault he's making me unhappy IYSWIM. Or maybe I'm just in denial and don't want to admit he's not going to go back to being lovely.

Dozer Wed 10-Jul-13 18:44:16

It's not your fault, he's not behaving like this because of you or anything you've done or not done.

You have, however, put up with poor treatment from him and believed bad things about yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 18:53:21

He was never lovely. It's not denial that's holding you back here, it's because your confidence has been brought so low that you think he's the best you can do. He's feeding you negative PR and you're buying it. Once you get past that hurdle and kick him properly to the kerb, everything else will fall into place. Your confidence will improve, you'll stop thinking you're fat and you'll see him for the miserable, controlling git he really is.

Courage

Jengnr Wed 10-Jul-13 20:25:00

Why are you trying to lose weight?

You've lost 12 stone* of knobhead. That's more than enough. Just make sure you keep it off.

*guess

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now