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Whirlwind online romance gone sour - advice pls

(73 Posts)
Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:25:23

FYI I don't have children (yet!) I just respect your opinion, Mumsnetters!

I started chatting to C online six months ago. We met after 2 months when he flew from London to Edinburgh to meet me. On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me. He said the most amazing things, he was so complimentary and loving.

We got engaged 2 months after that. I handed in my notice at work, got tenants into my flat and moved to be with him. I have been here six weeks now and it has been awful! He has just started a new job and the agreement was we would move into a rented flat together near his new work. This hasn’t happened though and I am stuck most days alone in his house in a small village whilst he rents a single room. I can’t look for work as I don’t know where we’re going to be. I should say though, that his job is far more highly paid than mine. He says he doesn’t want to rent somewhere until after six months because his new job isn’t that secure.

He hasn’t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he “really loves me”. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.

I am due to go on holiday with my parents in 2 weeks for one week and it is my thirtieth birthday when I get back. (He is 35). I can’t obviously move back to my flat as it has tenants in it and I can’t afford the mortgage with no job. I can, however, move back in with my parents in Edinburgh!

Do you have any advice? Many thanks.

All I can say is that if it's like this after 6 months... what's it going to be like after 6 years?

What do you mean by 'He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine'? How much do you actually drink? Are you pissed every night? (That's not judgemental, btw, I just want to know so I can get a better idea of the situation.

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 16:34:12

So are you his housekeeper, secret bit on the side in the country? It sounds all wrong.

saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:00

Well, you have given up a lot to be with him and you aren't happy. I wouldn't say it is his fault or yours, it is just that that reality bites and perhaps you are repenting at leisure after making a hasty decison?

If you want to be in London, you could try finding a job and a flat of your own and to continue dating him and starting over without rushing into living together and talk of marriage. But if you are missing your flat and friends and life in Edinburgh then stay with your parents until your tenants move out. It depends whether moving was all about being with your BF or in part starting a new life in London. You can still do that if it was.

best of luck x

snotfunny Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:08

Massive alarm bells here, I'm afraid. Too much, too soon. You don't even know one another! What made you make such an enormous decision so quickly?!

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:18

I only drink once a week but it's a bottle and a half of wine. He has got pissed plenty of times too though but he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him. I find it easy not to drink though, it's just when I have one or two I get carried away. So my plan is just to stay sober!

I suppose I wonder if it's just his new job (which is extremely stressful, long hours) and him getting used to having someone in his space.

TerribleTantrums Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:43

Move back in with your parents, find a new job, get you old flat back when you can afford it.

Then read the relationship threads on here and google 'relationship warning signs' before you start a new relationship. There were lots of red flags in your current relationship, it would be a good idea to familiarise yourself with them before you date again.

Bant Sun 07-Jul-13 16:37:42

So he rents a place near his work, while you're a house-sitter for him - and presumably you see him on weekends?

This whole thing has gone very very quickly. Speaking to someone online and by phone is not the same thing as meeting them in person. Him wanting to marry you when you first met. He didn't even know 'you' - he wanted to marry the image of you he'd constructed in his head, based on your emails and calls. He didn't know if you bite your toenails, if you have chronic flatulence, if you have an annoying laugh, if you wake up screaming at 3am and don't know about it..

I'd take it very carefully, work out whether you want this or not, see how you feel on holiday and move out if you need to. There are all kinds of red-flags here

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:37:59

"He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head."

The word 'whirlwind' is often a bad sign. I know Gavin and Stacey lasted the distance but this is real-life and 'whirlwind' early declarations of love, moving in together and marriage are often a front for people who want to rush you into decisions before you get chance to see what they're really like.

So you're jobless, stuck in a small flat, he's distant already and now you're modifying your behaviour just to please him. Assuming you're not an alcoholic I'm thinking 'slippery slope'.

RUN

4yoniD Sun 07-Jul-13 16:38:28

"He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head."

Could be totally innocent - all relationships involve compromise - but I read that and thought red flag. What is he going to ask you to change next? Apologies if it's totally innocent!

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 16:38:44

My advice ?

End it, and learn a lesson from this.

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 16:39:33

I doubt it is his new job, that is who he is.

Aetae Sun 07-Jul-13 16:39:36

So early in a relationship everything should be easy and lovely. The fact that it's not and you're unhappy due both circumstances AND his behaviour is not a good sign. And don't even consider changing your behaviour to suit him, that's no way to make a relationship last.

Moxiegirl Sun 07-Jul-13 16:39:52

Run away fast!
Red flags all over it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:40:00

Signs You Are Dating An Abuser

'Abuse' may be rather alarmist/premature but I think you should read the article and see if you recognise any more of the warning signs mentioned.

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:40:45

Snotfunny - I guess it was because he seemed so genuine and I wanted to believe the fairytale. I hated my job at home but at least it paid the bills!

Saggy - thank you for the idea. The move was to be with him but I could find work here I guess. He has said that he will support me financially whatever happens til I get sorted.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 16:42:59

Of course he would like to "support you financially"

It would give him more control over you

I doubt he would tolerate "his" money being spent on wine

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 16:43:48

Is he really in a room elsewhere? Are you sure this flat is not a mistress flat, only you are not aware?

NatashaBee Sun 07-Jul-13 16:43:52

I'd run like the wind. If this is how he is after such a short amount of time, what will he be like in 5 years?

You hardly know each other. It's hard to understand why you didn't wait to get to know each other.
Mark it down as an interesting experience and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:46:17

The only fairytale you're in is the one where you're trapped in a gingerbread house being fattened up for dinner...

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:47:19

Deep fried sage - no, he's only taken the room up recently, he was commuting for a few weeks. And I've seen his tenancy agreement etc.

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 16:49:34

He could have told his wife he was working away for a few weeks, and faked a tenancy. Who close to him have you met?

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 16:52:20

You don't know him at all, OP. That much is very clear. You have hitched your wagon to somebody that didn't fulfil the promise of the lies they told about themselves. There is no shame in that for you, but you would be very foolish to carry on believing the fairy tale in the face of hard evidence to the contrary.

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 16:53:25

I've met his sister and brother in law. And his dad over Skype.

Or someone pretending to be those people!

I just wonder if I would regret it if I didn't give it my best shot! Perhaps we could look back and say it was hard for a bit when we first moved in together but look at us now...?

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 16:56:21

No, that's now how it works, love

The beginning of a relationship should be fantastic...full of fun and making each other feel like the most important person in the world (and not just the beginning either..)

Not miserable and confusing, making you doubt yourself.

Cut your losses now, before you get in any deeper

I have a feeling you will continue to flog this dead horse though. Try not to make yourself any more vulnerable that you already are, though. And for God's sake, don't complete the cliche by getting pregnant.

Xales Sun 07-Jul-13 16:59:12

He drinks but doesn't like it when you do so you have modified your behaviour to his likes.

He won't rent a place for 6 months (but has rented a room). You cannot look for a job until you know where you are going to live. Why not? You know the rough area you will be living in don't you? Or has he told you not to worry about looking?

He is having doubts 'but really loves you' now you are dependant on him.

I would say look for a job back home, get one, give your tenants legal notice and move back into your house and retain your independence. If you want to stay there get a job and have your independence up there.

deepfriedsage Sun 07-Jul-13 17:00:15

They will be genuine then.

I agree with other posters, this should be the best of times, cut your losses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 17:03:45

Give it your best shot? This is a six month fling we're talking about, not a 30 year marriage that's got a bit stale. Early days aren't a question of 'best shots' - and if you're moving in together and thinking of marriage, it shouldn't be on the basis of 'let's see how it goes' you should be 100% convinced it's the right thing. Agree with the above that you seem to by psyching yourself up to turn this into Happy Ever After if you can just change to please him and keep making the excuses.

Are you that hard up for a boyfriend that this is honestly the best you can do?

ofmiceandmen Sun 07-Jul-13 17:11:03

Kirsten I wouldn't react to fast to some of the responses. Ironically if it did turn out to have been his Dad and family and a real flat/room you would then be more susceptible to falling prey to other future abuses (you'll always think- but he was right the last time I doubted him)

Concentrate on the more important issues.

Get yourself sorted, work, accommodation etc. Then regardless of how it goes with your DP you will be on a string footing.

It was fast, but there is no shame in stepping back and reassessing. No shame at all.
So start anew today- what do you want to do and what job would you like to take on. He is secondary right now.

Get you sorted and the rest will fall in place - with or without him.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 17:15:53

On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me.

he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him

he's only taken the room up recently - but can't rent with you?

Enough red flags here to start some bunting OP. I think you should enjoy your holiday and then move back in with your parents, work on finding a new job til you can get your flat back. Put it doen as an interesting chapter and a life experience, but not one that worked terribly well. Good luck lovely.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 17:18:59

Oh, and this bit:
He hasn’t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn’t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he “really loves me”. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.
You mentioned something you weren't happy with, he turned it on its head so it's YOUR fault for drinking once a week and YOU end up modifying your behaviour, and probably apologising. This rings every alarm bell I have.

He sounds like my ex. this book helped me

TerribleTantrums Sun 07-Jul-13 17:22:04

I wouldn't be surprised if some reason comes up to try and stop you going on holiday with your parents too as he won't want you to have space to consider your options or talk it over with your parents. Perhaps he'll book a romantic overnight trip and get angry if you don't want to cancel the holiday, or possibly his car will breakdown/run out of petrol meaning you will miss your flight/train.

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 17:28:59

You have given up your life and gone to live with this man because you were unhappy in your own life and thought he was your escape. As you now know he wasn't. You have no job, no life there, no friends there and he is living elsewhere. Unfortunately you have made all this too easy for him and he is now bored with you and he wants out. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but you need to wake up and see that for him it is now pretty much over. He is trying to end it slowly. Actions speak louder than words. You need to get some self esteem back by moving out straight away and get yourself a job. Then plan on moving back to your old place asap. sad

You gave up your job. You gave up your home. You are giving up the drink(!) For what? To be with a guy you don't know well and who has given up NOTHING. Love isn't like that.
You know you have the power to change things - because you managed to change things for him. Now change them for yourself.

RoseFlowerFairy Sun 07-Jul-13 17:41:03

What did your friends and family say to you when you announced that you were packing your life in to live with this Man?

Bloody hell, he did not have to do much at all did he?. You also dug the hole you now find yourself in. You need to take also a long and hard look at yourself, you now need to completely re-assess your approach to relationships. The phrase, "too much, too soon" springs to mind.

Go back to your parents and end this before you invest any more of your emotions in this. You do not know him at all.

As others have stated, he has enough red flags on him to make a long line of bunting. Charming and persuasive controlling (aka abusive) men like him make for being dangerous lovers; what on earth persuaded you to jack in your previous life to be with such a man?.

Get the hell out of there as soon as possible. This man is a womanhating arsehole.
Unfortunatley, OP, you are either very young or a bit of a mug, as well. If your life is unsatisfactory, you need to fix it yourself, not wait for The Right Man to do so. If you remain as gullible and desperate as you sound, you will go from one abuser to another and probably end up dragging one or more children into the mess. Right now, while you have no DC and no need to stay in an unfamiliar town, just cut your losses, dump this man and cut off all contact with him. And promise yourself a whole year of being single while you sort out who you are and what you want and get your knob radar properly calibrated so you don't end up in a mess like thsi again.

Officershitty Sun 07-Jul-13 18:17:19

FGS, what does your family say about all this? Or your friends? Surely someone must have warned you against the moment of madness that has got you to the place you are now? Not that that stops some people. I agree with some of the other posters- get yourself out by accepting some practical help from your family and then chalk this one up to experience.

OhTiger Sun 07-Jul-13 18:35:54

I do sympathise though OP, is very easy to find your way flattered into all sorts of situations, but now you have realised it's not right (and you have or you wouldn't have posted) there is no shame in changing your mind. It is the grown up and sensible thing to do, although disappointing.

There was a thread here a little while ago discussing the guilt that we feel on ending a relationship, it's never easy, especially when you have made such public commitment. But its a v brief relationship, he'll live with the dumping (that you really should do), and you will live so much better without him. Please trust the ladies on here that have seen this before, and think yourself clever you have got wise to the situation so quickly. Well done for questioning and not accepting the crap.

<but he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him>

Who cares? confused

Right, I think you have made a massive mistake. It happens to the best of us, love. Just cut your losses and gtfo. This bloke sounds like a dick, and he's only going to get worse.

There's nothing wrong with fucking up, we all do it sometimes. Just dump him and move on. He's no good for you.

CashmereHoodlum Sun 07-Jul-13 19:59:36

Please move in with your parents until you can get your flat back. This is just the beginning and it will only get worse. There are some serious red flags here, and you are in a vulnerable position. Run like the wind while you still can.

Kirsten1983 Sun 07-Jul-13 20:21:06

Thanks everyone, for ALL the messages - even the ones pointing out I've been a fool!

I've sent him away to think and unless he comes back soon and says he's sorry and will buck up his ideas, I'll leave. (I need to give him a chance just for my own peace of mind and closure).

I've told my mum about it and she says all I have to do is say the word and she will come and bring me home.

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 07-Jul-13 20:22:30

flowers for your mum.

So you sit in his house waiting for him to come home and be nice to you?

You are putting yourself in a crazy position - I hope you say the word to your mum soon.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 20:41:10

He will say he is sorry and he will buck his "ideas" up

But it will just be empty words

Like those he fooled you with the first weekend he met you

GetYourSocksOff Sun 07-Jul-13 20:42:38

Bless you. What does he need to do for you to be sure that he's bucked up his ideas? What exactly are you hoping will change and when?

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 20:45:03

Op....love is irrational and lovely but you need to tell your lovely mum to come get you anyway. You have told him how you feel now show him you mean it. Go to Mums and make him work for you. Seriously.

Rulesgirl Sun 07-Jul-13 20:45:23

wink

He might 'work for you' but it won't last very long. He's not really all that arsed, imo.

Bin him off and get someone that deserves you thanks

SecondRow Sun 07-Jul-13 21:32:42

What GetYourSocksOff said.

Which actions - not words - will you accept as indication of him bucking his ideas up?

wizzler Sun 07-Jul-13 21:34:21

Run

LessMissAbs Sun 07-Jul-13 21:59:22

You gave up your job and your home for someone you've known for 4 months??

You sound so surrendered. Do you not value your own life?

And would you have done the same if his job wasn't so well paid.

Sorry, no sympathy for you here. It sounds like a car crash. With you steering.

Officershitty Mon 08-Jul-13 08:58:37

Bit harsh, abs hmm . OP came on here for advice. OP hope you take the advice of the people on here.

Have you never made a mistake Abs? hmm

She just wants some help, that's all.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 08-Jul-13 09:23:51

He wanted to marry you when you first met. You had spent hardly any time together and got engaged, gave up everything and moved to London. Unless you are 18, that's really living in cloud cuckoo loud behaviour on your part. Possibly controlling on his.

Get out, get out now.

HuwEdwards Mon 08-Jul-13 09:33:05

At this point in your relationship, you should be wildly delirious about eachother, not having to change your behaviour in order to try and win him round.

I'm sorry, I really don't think he loves you.

kotinka Mon 08-Jul-13 09:46:49

Kirsten, I've been where you are and it's lonely and unnecessary. I ended up as an unpaid housekeeper for 7 years til HE booted me out because he'd met someone else. don't be like me, act on the warning signs now.

go back to Edinburgh and start fresh. good luck to you. 30 is no way too late to find a bloke who treats you with equality, love and respect.

You don't know the man at all. Open your eyes and realise that. You have to let to of the fantasy because it never existed.

BeCool Mon 08-Jul-13 10:28:37

You are walking on eggshells after 6 months.
You are trying to change yourself to suit his "ideal" of "you" after 6 months.
You have changed everything to "be" with him and you aren't even living with him!

The phrase "start as you mean to go on" leaps to mind - as others said this should be the easy, loving head over heels stage.

You are both trying to make this relationship be something it's not. There is no point in this is there?

Run for the hills. Or better still call your Mum and get her to drive you smile

Hold your head up high - you are wise and responsible to yourself. Feel proud of your commitment to yourself and your happiness by realising this is not a man/relationship to settle for.

If you really must stay with him, get yourself into a flat share, get a job and date him. But I don't think it's worth your time.

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 12:19:14

I'd be looking for a new job, probably in Edinburgh.

Rulesgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 13:01:05

Op...you sent him off to have a think ? How did that go?smile

BonaDrag Mon 08-Jul-13 13:09:12

Don't feel bad OP, you have it a shot. If it doesn't work out you can always go back home with your head held high knowing you won't be plagued with what ifs.

But if I were you...I'd run for the fucking hills..

Nerfmother Mon 08-Jul-13 13:18:16

I think we could also look at the possibility of this bloke not being a total knob?
I am shocked that I seem to be the only person thinking that a bottle and a half of wine in one go, on your own is a lot. I lived with a binge drinker and it was horrible.
It sounds like he has cold feet and is not as keen. That is allowed!
I would suggest moving home or moving out and dating on equal terms.

Gingersstuff Mon 08-Jul-13 13:34:48

hmm at the "womanhating arsehole" seriously??
I do feel for you but he's probably just a bit lazy, really. Or more likely, having a rethink after a couple of months of madness and realising that actually you don't know each other at all. You handed yourself and your life to him on a plate with a side salad to boot and now he doesn't have to make an effort. You're not a teenager anymore so put your big girl pants on, knock this fantasy on the head and move back to your own life. Put it down to experience as we have all made mistakes.
Honestly I can't imagine that any relationship starting off on such a wrong foot can really go anywhere. I think you need to take time out and assess why you thought it was a good idea to give up your entire life after a couple of months, before getting into another relationship. Good luck.

Sorry but I think there is a pretty good chance of him being a woman-hating arsehole. He's targeted a woman online who must have given off signals of being a bit vulnerable, a bit naive - sorry OP but a woman with high self esteem and some reasonable experience would not jack in her whole life to run off with an online boyfy. He's isolated her from her friends and family, got her stuck in some tiny flat somewhere and is criticising her behaviour and telling her to change. Those are fairly classic abuser tactics.

Of course, he could just be an immature fantasist as well, and now he's got the Love Of His Life right there in front of him, doesn't know what to do.

Either way, OP, dump him, go home, sort your own life out and then worry about dating.

Nerfmother Mon 08-Jul-13 15:22:12

He hasn't asked her to change. I don't think it's unreasonable to object to someone drinking either nothing or 1.5 bottles of wine at once. That would be a red flag to me.
If his job is not secure it would be madness to take on a big rent until he knows he will be staying on.
You are thirty, you have up a lot and its not what it seemed. Get out and get on with something else. Date him on equal terms.

I hope you are ok, op.

Rulesgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 21:11:19

Totally agree nerf and ginger I more or less said the same. She gave it all up to quickly to a man she didn't know who thought he was in love. Reality kicks in and its all a big mistake.

Rulesgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 21:12:47

He didn't isolate her from anything....she chose to do that to herself.

Nerfmother Mon 08-Jul-13 21:23:00

I think you can have sympathy without making him the bad guy. It's just a poor choice; worth a shot though. I moved in with dh after three months and ten years later we are together.

BeCool Wed 10-Jul-13 18:52:19

I read something on here ages ago which has stuck with me since:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Really good advice.

How are you getting on OP?

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