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I’ve upset my BF’s Mother

(55 Posts)
LiveFastDieOld2 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:36:46

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for seven months. But yesterday was the first time I had been invited to travel over the 30 odd miles to their small-holding.
His Mother had suggested that we might go out for a (horse) ride in the afternoon which was fine with me. So at the correct time +/- 5 minutes I drove up and parked in the yard. His Mother came out and the visit went fine for the first 30 seconds, right up to the time when I mentioned that my horsebox, complete with John Boy (my horse), were just a couple of minutes behind me.
It now seems that bringing my own horse was bad but getting somebody else to bring him over for me was “pretentious” and so doubly bad. Honestly it had never occurred to me that it would be a problem.
Any suggestions as to what I might do to get back into favour?

Viking1 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:40:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiveFastDieOld2 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:47:46

You haven't been tapping my phone have you?

Yes it was my boyfriend who provided the feedback and yes he told me that "she is like that with most people"

I'm still keen to get back into favour though!

TotallyBursar Sat 06-Jul-13 17:51:47

More fool you then.

Boundaries, get them, enforce them.
She's putting you in your place early on isn't she, is he mummy's darling boy?

LiveFastDieOld2 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:59:00

Not at all. He takes after his Dad who seems both sensible and nice. Now BF's younger brother ........!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 18:14:30

NEVER be 'keen to get back in favour' with ANYONE because that's the road to a lifetime of submissive misery and self-hatred. If she's the outspoken sort that freely insults others, square up to her. On no account apologise or kiss her backside just because your boyfriend exited her genitalia once upon a time.

TotallyBursar Sat 06-Jul-13 18:32:35

Pity the younger brother's partner then.

But yes, don't kiss up or get back in favour. Her behaviour is tantrummy and spoiled - don't set yourself up for it.
She sounds delightful.

Ponders Sat 06-Jul-13 18:42:00

She doesn't keep rodeo horses by any chance...?

LiveFastDieOld2 Sat 06-Jul-13 19:04:07

I wonder if I can dump her without dumping him? Or I could just ignore her and carry on regardless or even gently wind her up by calling her estate a smallholding. 400 acres of her 900 are only rented hill land after all!

SoulTrain Sat 06-Jul-13 19:10:19

Welcome to my world, I'm married though.

You won't ever do right for doing wrong, these eruptions will come up bi-annually, you'll begin to care less over time.

Pass over it with a quick "whoops, sorry didn't realise. Haha! Anyway..."

Bloody MIL's. I'm going to be AWESOME if DS ever marries. smile

Lweji Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 08:45:20

Why did he tell you this?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 07-Jul-13 08:51:30

Yes - why did he tell you this? My MIL can be a bit if a tit too. However, I only recently found out how much when I had to borrow DH's phone and found a whole load if that texts he'd never told me about.

Basically, I PM nice and peasant to her. Keep myself right and then I couldn't care less what she thinks as she's got no reason to complain.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Italy Sun 07-Jul-13 08:51:57

Pleasant! I don't advocate acting like a "peasant"!

Hissy Brazil Sun 07-Jul-13 09:46:48

Ignore, ignore ignore.

What you did was fine! If she's got a problem, so what?!

You can go riding with people you want to ride with!

Fwiw, when you have your own horse, why would you want to ride someone else's stranger horse. I found that most disconcerting tbh.

Lweji Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 10:08:10

I don't know the exact circumstances, but being invited to ride together could be like a lunch invitation. You wouldn't take your own food, would you?
I can sort of see why she might feel a bit miffed.
But she could easily have just said something like "no need to bring your own next time, we have plenty/a lovey horse for you".

But your bf does seem to want to stir trouble between the two of you. Maybe so that you don't become too friendly?

You have to think that he may well be telling her anything you say about her.

I remember my now ex, then just bf, telling me about what future SIL and someone else had said about me. This through his mother.

Lweji Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 10:08:42

lovely, not lovey

Iwouldratherbemuckingout Sun 07-Jul-13 10:21:26

I suspect there must be a backstory here! I must admit if I invited someone to ride, the first thing you'd do is make proper arrangements, you know, clarify your bringing your own horse, that sort of thing. It's only good manners! Or, good communication.

And I hate to say it, but someone else driving the wagon with horse up, rightly or wrongly, would make me mutter about being pretensious too UNLESS you can't drive the wagon though and someone doing that for you was a special treat. Then I would feel touched that you had gone to so much trouble to ride with me.

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 07-Jul-13 10:45:59

I honestly never thought that much about it. The invitation came via BF and I just assumed that bringing my own horse was what she had meant me to do. I'm not very confident or experienced with driving the horsebox, especially on roads I don't know well, and as the groom hadn't anything much urgent on I asked her to drive it over for me.

All my possible MIL needed to say was "no need to bring your own next time, we have plenty/a lovey horse for you" but to go frosty on me within 30 seconds of seeing me for the first time was OTT.

I think BF told me because he thought I needed to know. I would rather be told than to keep on repeating a mistake that I didn't know WAS a mistake.

PoppyAmex Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 11:34:34

"gently wind her up by calling her estate a smallholding. 400 acres of her 900 are only rented hill land after all!"

I can't imagine why she would think you pretentious.

Sorry OP, this might be your attempt at humour but it comes across as crass and in poor taste.

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 07-Jul-13 11:49:29

But I didn't actually say that to her. I was wondering aloud online why me having my horsebox driven over by a groom was seen by her as pretentious while her own use of the word estate (for a small to medium sized farm) and staff (for her part time cleaner) wasn't. smile

PoppyAmex Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 12:02:40

Well, maybe she has cottoned on to your feelings about her "smallholding" and her "part-time cleaner". These types of feelings are often harder to disguise than we think.

I boarded with a few girls whose parents had come into money recently and they also had this habit of mentally toting up people's "assets" and comparing; it's odd.

Anyway, I hope you and your MIL can find a way to communicate effectively so it doesn't affect your relationship. Good luck.

tattychicken Sun 07-Jul-13 12:14:26

You don't just tip up with your horse in tow. You would check first, eg where can I park the lorry, have you a spare box/paddock I can bung him in, blah blah blah. Anyone who had a horse would know that. You don't sound genuine.

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 07-Jul-13 12:17:02

Hi PoppyAmex - Could be, but the frostiness started almost the minute I arrived. Well before I could have leaked any feelings about her estate and cleaner because she hadn't said anything about them then.

Please Miss, she started it!

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 07-Jul-13 12:19:12

Hi Tatty. I knew that she had a farm and kept horses. It was hardly a massive leap of faith to do what I did. If she lived in a urban semi then I agree but she doesn't!

pigsDOfly Sun 07-Jul-13 12:58:36

I'm sorry OP, but turnin up with 'the groom' and your horse following in your wake does sound pretentious.

If she invited you to ride with her I would assume she would be providing the horse. As you say, you knew she kept horses.

I'm not surprised she thought you were being a bit precious.

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 07-Jul-13 13:03:04

OK I was wrong then. A lesson learned. 'twas the folly of youth!

LiveFastDieOld2 Mon 08-Jul-13 07:59:13

I've had second thoughts. I reckon that whatever I had done she would have tried to score points. It could have been a moan about what I was wearing or some grumble based around "she's got her own horse but expected to use one of mine"
On balance I'm glad I had my own horse for the ride she chose to take me on!

Hissy Brazil Mon 08-Jul-13 13:35:46

Main thing is that you didn't intend to offend, so carry on as normal.

Sounds like her 'staff' and 'estate' issues are more important than her grip on reality.

ilovechips Mon 08-Jul-13 16:38:02

Why do you insist on calling it a smallholding? OK she is pretentious by insisting on "estate" but equally you sound deliberately goading - 900 acres is not a smallholding by any stretch of the imagination, do you have thousands of acres too? Why do you even know or care how many acres are owned or rented? It sounds like you are equally matched tbh.

Fragglewump Mon 08-Jul-13 16:44:15

FFS get a life, new boyfriend, horse, groom whatever. You both sound like precious spoilt bitches!

Jan45 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:53:48

You are coming across as pretentious yes so not surprised at her reaction, it does sound like you were trying to `show off` to her as you hadn't explained you were having the horse brought to her place but tbh who cares, it might just be that you two will never get on.

She sounds like a Hyacinth Bouquet and you sound like a younger version.

Bedtime1 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:57:58

If she invited you for a horse ride why would you take your own? I wouldn't I'd have thought she would provide one if she invited me and to take my own its like saying " yours aren't good enough for me" and to go to trouble of hiring a driver especially and fafffing about with a horse box . It sounds like your competing with her or she could have taken it that way.

schoolgovernor Mon 08-Jul-13 18:11:33

Horse owner here. When invited to ride with friends I tend to assume they are going to provide the horse. I then check because I'm a bit choosy about what I ride.

I took your comments about a smallholding as a joke though, and think people are being a bit unfair laying into you about that one. Maybe they think you are stealth boasting as a rich horse owner, not realising that the majority of horse owners are kept poor by their hobby. grin

Mixxy Mon 08-Jul-13 18:44:33

Sounds like two Mrs. Buckets having a daft barney TBH.

LiveFastDieOld2 Mon 08-Jul-13 19:29:03

Thanks Schoolgovernor. I'm getting attacked from all sides for something I didn't say. I didn't say anything to her even faintly rude or sarcastic. The comment about the smallholding was a joke on this thread.

Having her as a MIL might be a problem but I'm more than a bit keen on her son.

PS I didn't "hire a driver" for the horsebox. She works on the farm and I asked her to drive my horse over as part of her paid work as a groom. That's a bit different.

Lovecat Mon 08-Jul-13 19:42:51

Hmm... a bit on the fence, as I had my own horse for several years and while I was happy to ride him wherever as I knew what made him tick, to ride an unfamiliar horse on unfamiliar terrain would have scared the shit out of daunted me.

However, I could see that she might have been looking forward to showing off her horses and been a little miffed that you rocked up with yours when she'd planned for otherwise.

I'd have rung first and clarified with her what the deal was re. horses, the nature of the ride, and what she intended to put me on, THEN said would you mind if I brought my own horse over as I'd be more comfortable on him?

The pretentious comment is just nuts. I've never driven a horsebox/towed a box and would have either hacked over there or got someone to drive if I'd been taking my own horse.

lustybusty Mon 08-Jul-13 20:06:54

<disclaimer: not a horse person>

If someone invited me on a bike ride, I'd take my own bike (if I had one). If I didn't have one, I'd mention it and ask to borrow one (from them or someone else). Is a horse that different? She invites you for a horse ride, she knows you have a horse, I'd take that as an invite to bring the horse and have a good day-why take a strangers horse out for a ride when you be (presumably?) paying someone to exercise yours at the same time....? (Like I say, not horsey, don't know if that's how it works!).

Lweji Portugal Mon 08-Jul-13 20:22:25

In fairness, she was probably projecting.

It does seem she was trying to show off and felt put down by you.

Next time you know to ask about details such as who's going to bring/provide what. smile

What is your bf take on it?
That's important if you are to consider life together in the future.

Earthworms Mon 08-Jul-13 20:27:15

Lusty has a good point......

( and I am a horse person)

hesterton Mon 08-Jul-13 20:37:59

I blame the bf who did nothing to sort out details of the visit and is clearly enjoying stirring up a bouquet of trouble by 'she said'ing. Old gossip.

I mean he must have known you were planning to bring dobbin and the groom- especially if you have been Jilly Coopering for 7 months now.

LongTimeLurking Tue 09-Jul-13 08:32:53

Invited for a horse ride by family who keep their own horses and then going to the effort to have someone transport your horse 30 miles down the road for you....... Kind of implies you thought her horses weren't up to your standards or something and I'm not surprised she was a bit put out.

ps. am I the only one who dislikes horse riding? Do the horses really enjoy carrying around snooty fat middle aged women (stereotype) for their jollies.... Shouldn't they be running free in the fields or something?

LiveFastDieOld2 Tue 09-Jul-13 09:42:59

On a farm almost everything has to earn its keep. Sheep, pigs, machinery, people. Its just the same with horses, people pay to have their horses (just) stabled or pay more for a full service. The money they pay us gets paid out to pay the grooms and other costs. Horses running free in fields with no thought of money doesn't feature much in our business plan!
We have to make a profit to support Dad, younger sister and me (as a minimum).

Crinkle77 Tue 09-Jul-13 15:45:54

Maybe next time just make sure you clarify the details. Don't apologise because I just don't think you realised. It sounds like no one would be right for her precious son anyway and what ever you did would be wrong.

Busybusybust Tue 09-Jul-13 15:55:14

Live - I had the MIL from Hell. Now, with hindsight, I shouldn't have even tried to ingratiate myself with her. No one, not even Princess Anne (yes, I am that old!) would have been good enough for her little darling. She constantly tried to make me feel socially inferior - when actually my family were far above hers socially. I should just have laughed at her idiocy. I honestly think she would have respected me more.

Give as good as you get, without being overly rude, is my advice!

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 16:11:07

but she didnt say anything to you either confused...your delightful boyfriend passed on what his lovely mother had said about you

you are both or maybe neither to blame...it doesnt sound like much went on, for any blame to be aportioned; 2 people met and didnt like each other...and? confused

PoppyAmex Portugal Tue 09-Jul-13 16:28:35

"Social inferior/superior"?

Good god.

I agree with Mixxy and Jan - this is the MN thread version of Mrs. Bucket x2.

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 16:58:27

why did you get someone else to drive your horse over?

LiveFastDieOld2 Tue 09-Jul-13 17:54:02

Boomba - I'm not very confident or experienced with driving the horsebox, especially on roads I don't know well, and as the groom hadn't anything much urgent on I asked her to drive it over for me.

Busybusybust - I think I will take your advice and anyway there isn't any reason why we should meet too often

LiveFastDieOld2 Sat 27-Jul-13 17:40:53

Seemingly prospective MIL has been telling anybody who will listen how nice I am! Perhaps FIL, who is lovely, has talked her round? confused

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 28-Jul-13 13:30:50

I should get out more. I found this thread entertaining as much for the out-of-my-zone how others live aspect as the acerbic comments of others.

Sounds like things have thawed since you first posted. I think you'll be a match for MIL but BF might want to watch what he relays between the two of you if there's to be a harmonious alliance.

rainbowfeet Sun 28-Jul-13 13:39:21

Goodness me... Do you need a hand holding, I mean everyone else's problems must sound so trivial compared to yours!!!!!!! winkwinkwink

Does 'Tatler' not have a problem page!!!!!!! shock

LiveFastDieOld2 Sun 28-Jul-13 15:57:02

Is the Tatler like Farmers Weekly for townies?

But I am so posh, "I've just spent 45 minutes attacking the baler with a hammer" posh.

OTOH I did hire a new groom this week!

Lweji Portugal Sun 28-Jul-13 17:10:52

Or it was your BF just stirring trouble between you two...

Cabrinha Sun 28-Jul-13 18:31:11

Ah, whole thread was just to drum up traffic to OP's blog I think.
Which (yeah, I clicked) is I think a bit out of order, commenting on groom candidates publicly.
Not going to be hard to identify in small circles.

Tilpil Sun 28-Jul-13 19:35:36

Why ride her horse If you have your own if you can't drive your horse then it would of been illegal explain u didn't understand she wanted you to ride her horse and if
That doesn't work forget it my soon to be mother in law is an aboslute arsehole to. The point she won't be attending the wedding because I don't need negative people around me on the day making snide comments and my dp having to try and keep her out of mine and my family's hearing or she ll be hung upside down and left till she learns to behave. Sorry not very helpful I just don't like people who think they can get away with it just apologise if that isn't enough then nothing will be so you will have to learn to let it go over your head

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