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I just need to vent. I am so annoyed/frustrated/a ngry/tearful

(69 Posts)
ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:12:21

I don't know what else to say. Dh has really annoyed me today. I had thought recently we were making progress but the last week things have slipped.

To be honest I think we are drifting apart. Never spend any time as a couple and I almost feel 'awkward' around him now.

We have 4 dcs with serious health problems and we are both exhausted as have health issues ourselves. Money is another issue, I am in charge of the finances as dh ends up lending to feckless members of his family or buying what he cannot afford.
Also he is going on a 10 day holoday alone in aug and tbh I am massively pissed off that he is going.

We had a row today as he said he needed new clothes for holiday I said I'd get some from primark/h and m as its not too expensive and he said he wants better make ones and I lost my temper. I'm working to a tigfht budget with our finances and he doesn't understand that he can't have the best of stuff. He criticised a pair of asda shorts I had once got him so I cut them up and threw them away, took my wedding ring off and cried. It doesn't help I have pmt but I'm at the end of my tether.

I really feel like we cannot ever go back to how we once were too much has been said/done and we have drifted apart I think.

I get the impression he hankers after an easy life, relaxing holidays and dcs seem too much for him to deal with.

I'm so fed up.

GingerJulep Sat 06-Jul-13 16:25:21

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day.

In terms of the finances can you give him (and you, to make it fair) some kind of allowance (not suggesting you negotiate this after a row today, but longer-term) so that you can both choose to spend on holiday/clothes/whatever you want for yourselves and when it runs out, it runs out?

Of course he hankers after an easy life... I bet you do too... most of us do!

BUT you're in this together and need to ensure you both get breaks.

Chin up!

NatashaBee Sat 06-Jul-13 16:28:25

I've read some of your other threads, OP. something has to give, you can't carry on with things as they are.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:31:30

I have tried that, I transfer some money each week to his account but if it runs out he goes iverdrawn and gets credit cards which I then have to take, it makes me feel controlling but I can't have him spending what I need for bills/running up debts.

I have to take his debit card or he will waste money on lunches/coffees/drinks/anything which will add up to hundreds in a few weeks (I go through his statement).

And I'm so annoyed he thinks its ok to go on holiday. Do I have any right to put my foot down and tell him not to go? I want to.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 16:37:39

Are you his mum?

It sounds like it sad

I don't know how much of that is you and how much of it is him - but I wouldn't want to be with someone I had to watch like a teenager. Of course he wants an easier life - who wouldn't, when you've 4 ill children? I'm sure you would too.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:49:34

I hate having to take cards/check statements etc but if I don't he wastes money or worse lends to family (who never repay) and with 4 dcs we have to be careful with our money.

I'm just annoyed today. A combination of pmt, too hot and too much to do. Dh just doesn't get why I'm annoyed about him spending money we havnt got and going on holiday. I'm tired and frustrated and it makes me angry.

I deserve better than this.

MagzFarqharson Sat 06-Jul-13 16:56:35

Why does he not get it? How old is he? And don't look for excuses why it's your fault - 'pmt, too hot, too much to do' - he's the one acting like an irresponsible teenager...

Walkacrossthesand Sat 06-Jul-13 17:19:06

You say that 'you are in charge of the finances' but it doesn't sound like he really thinks you are - maybe in his mind, you take care of the everyday stuff so he doesn't have to think about it, and he just spends what he likes! Why do you take on his credit cards that you never agreed with and he runs up bills on - they at least could remain his problem Cosby they?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 06-Jul-13 17:20:38

Cosby?? How did that happen? 'Couldnt' of course.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 17:30:23

I just wish I could say to him that for, say, 3 months he was in charge of the finances. Then he would see exactly what we have to pay, the bills,food etc etc and how tight it is then he would realise why we can't have 'treats'.

Unfortunately I think if I did do that he would just get us in more debt, give up then I'd have a bigger mess to deal with. Just want to scream.

Never mind HIM going on a 10 day holiday, the selfish twat, what about you and kids?
Ungrateful git, having a paddy because he wanted fancy clothes.
Yes, you are right You do deserve better thanks

Just read that back to myself and it seems a bit harsh, it wasnt meant to. x

Walkacrossthesand Sat 06-Jul-13 19:54:52

How does he react if you sit down together and look at a 'in/out' sheet showing total income, necessary outgoings, what's left (if anything) and why there's no spending money? What was his family like - did they run up debts too?

3littlefrogs Sat 06-Jul-13 19:59:26

I don't know your circumstances, and I don't want to seem harsh, but honestly, why are you with him? He doesn't seem to be contributing anything. You already have enough to deal with, don't you think it might be easier to separate everything, including finances?

You might find it easier to manage living separately, in control of your own money, and no responsibility for his debts and fecklessness, particularly his family.

TimeofChange Sat 06-Jul-13 20:01:13

Ariane: Sorry I have no suggestions for you.
But I do know that many £££s can be frittered away buying coffees, sandwiches, lunches, cakes, newspapers.

Why is he getting a 10 day break and you're not?

Best wishes to you all.

joanofarchitrave Sat 06-Jul-13 20:06:31

I can't put my finger on why but I do feel it is possible you can get through this. Things do have to change, though.

What was the trigger for you to take over the finances? Was it a mutual decision? Were you going bankrupt?

Might it be better if he did go bankrupt so that he's restricted from getting credit? I actually don't know the rules about married couples and debt, would you be liable for credit cards he took out in his own name?

TimeofChange Sat 06-Jul-13 20:10:56

How long have you been married?

Is he the DCs father?

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 20:21:28

We have been married just over a year but together on and off for last 13 years. Yes he is dcs father.

I took over finances as he kept lending to family and would spend too much on 'treats' even toys for dcs which then left us short for bills. His wages go into my account now and I transfer back to him what he needs-he only has 'his' bills come out from his account (car insurance, phone, aa membership) so that his account is still being used.

I tried to talk to him again this evening but I ended up in tears as he can't see how we just don't have the money to get the 'best' of everything.

I honestly feel like what we had is just lost. All we speak about is dcs and their problems and money. We have nothing oin common, his family never thought I was good enough for him, he detests my family and I feel awkward and embarassed around him now. I am tired and not looking my best and I feel like he notices that as he never compliments me anymore.
He never ever sleeps in our bedroom anymore and he just irritates me.

poorbuthappy Sat 06-Jul-13 20:23:29

I think you know what you have to do.
You are not his mother. He has to take responsbility. You are better off being responsible for 1 less.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 06-Jul-13 20:30:55

I'd ask him to move out for a month to his mother's and see how you feel after that

My hear sinks everytime I see one of your threads

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 06-Jul-13 20:36:06

He sounds like a childish,entitled ,selfish twat TBH.

wtf is he doing swanning off on a 10 day holiday while you look after 4 sick kids??

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Sat 06-Jul-13 21:21:08

What if you changed the locks and took all his clothes to his parents during his holiday?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sat 06-Jul-13 21:43:16

ariane you were given some really good advice and encouragement on your last AIBU thread.......what happened since then?

TalkingintheDark Sat 06-Jul-13 21:56:46

You have 4 DC with serious health problems and he is going away on holiday on his own for 10 days in August???

Jesus wept.

Ashoething Sat 06-Jul-13 22:16:45

Op you have been told time and time again to kick this manchild into touch.But you never listen.Yes you do have a right to tell him that no fuckin way is he going on this boys holiday.But I bet you wont :'(

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:41:44

Yes I got some very good advice and things were ok for a while.

Dh has to be fair been doing his fair share and helping with dcs, etc.

Today the issue about clothes/money/holiday cropped up again and I was just grumpy anyway due to pmt that I lost my temper. He has changed a lot yes but he still cannot see that we can't be frivolous, he still doesn't think he is BU to go on holiday.

I just snapped. I am pissed of with him and fed up with the situation. Whatever changes he has made just don't seem enough. I feel horrible saying that but he was saying that he "needs decent clothes" and "can't wear cheap stuff like the kids" and it made me so angry. I'm budgeting hard and go without myself and to hear him being so materialistic was horrible.

He has helped with dcs and cleaned the house this evening but hasn't redeemed himself I seriously just wanted to walk out as couldn't stand the sight of him.

Spero Sat 06-Jul-13 22:46:36

Sorry, is there some back story I have missed? Money is tight yet he is going away on his own for ten days? And wants a new holiday wardrobe? And you have four children?

On what I have read here, I cannot see what he brings to the party.

Who is paying for this holiday?

When do you get your ten day break?

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:53:05

Forgot to add, rather than leave I went to my bedroom and had a cry.

After a while he started calling, and calling and calling. Eventually I answered and he said "come down and take ds2 so I can put dd2 to bed" I just said to him "and what if I say no, what will you do? You will have to manage just like I will for 10 days when you are on holiday".

I can't even be bothered giving him an ultimatum. I shouldn't have to. I can't even be bothered to tell him if he goes that I won't be here when he returns I feel like just saying for him to go now. The more I dwell on it the angrier I feel. He's had chance after chance, he improves for a bit but never really changes.I cannot for the life of me understand why he thinks its ok to go on holiday alone. He knows looking afterdcs takes 2 of us.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:59:55

Yes lots of back story. Dh family have over the years borrowed and not repaid.

Dh is awful with money and has never been the most helpful although improved recently when I had an operation.

I had issues previously with my family but see them a huge amount less so that situation in hugely improved.

Money has been very tight on some occasions and dh cannot seem to understand we can't live the lifestyle he wants to. Dcs have cheap or second hand clothes but he wants new expensive stuff and I can't get through to him.
He paid for his holiday as did extra work (he works for bil so got paid cash). I refused to give him any but he got a tax refund of 217 pounds 2 weeks ago which has gone on things for his holiday. I am livid.

Dcs are hard to look after. It is near impossible to do it alone as they have quite complex needs and iam dreading nights when he's away. He KNOWS that we each have 2 dcs at night, I deal with dd1 and ds2 he looks after ds1 and dd2.

I may as well get used to being alone though as I can't see a way out this time. For some reason my severe pmt is giving me the kick I need to feel angry about all this.

maras2 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:03:38

Ariane,you have your work cut out for you with the kids' ill health,your illness and DP's too.Who is he going on holiday with?Is it his family who are also his employers? has he been coerced or voluntarily going,leaving you and the children without a dad/husband for 10 days.Also did he re do the DD's bedroom decs that you couldn't take to? Sorry to ask so many nosey questions but whenever you post,my heart sinks as I have never met anyone as unhappy as you are.Hope that this doesn't sound too patronising.If you are in the West Midlands I could help for a day or so with the kids when Himself goes off on his 10 day jolly.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:06:33

Oh yesn my 10 day break. That will never happen.

Last year we decided we would save for a belated honeymoon in 3 or 4 yrs time. Then dd2 got diabetes and dh said we would never go on holiday as nobody would have dcs with all their problems and that it would be too difficult ever going on hol with dcs.
So I will probably never get a holiday.I'm not too bothered but iam very bothered that he thinks he can just swan off and leave me.

Now that I have started to feel awkward and uncomfortable around dh in my own home I think that means its time to call it a day.

I could ask for a transfer and be nearer dcs schools etc. If I downsized I could possibly get moved really quick.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:09:22

I think he has had huge pressure from bil who is going too and also mil who wants her precious ds to "relax as he does a hard job".

Still, even with that pressure he should have just said no but its like when they ask for money he can't say no as he's a doormat.

Thankyou for the offer, we are in nw london so a bit far away but thankyou for thinking of us.

maras2 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:17:27

Always thinking of your family.EDS is a very cruel but not properly recognised illness.How you cope on a daily basis Goodness knows.

Fairyegg Sat 06-Jul-13 23:19:27

Sorry if I Have the wrong person here but weren't you so skint a little while ago you had to get food from the food bank? Regardless, money is tight but he's taking himself on holiday?! Why exactly are you with him?

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:24:16

Yes in march and april we had absolutely no money as dh hadn't worked for weeks after dd2 was diagnosed as I couldn't manage dcs needs as well as get to grips with her injections etc.
It was awful but clearly dh learnt nothing from it.

Fairyegg Sat 06-Jul-13 23:32:44

And that would be my issue clearly dh learnt nothing from it. Doesn't sound like he ever will.

Lweji Sat 06-Jul-13 23:38:15

The alternative is that you swan off for a couple of days the day before he's supposed to go on holiday.
Although, personally, I'd just call it a day then.
No warnings necessary.

joanofarchitrave Sat 06-Jul-13 23:49:05

I'm sorry to say this but i have looked at some other threads. You have a very young baby not long out of hospital? I personally don't feel it is a good time to make decisions this big - you must be beyond exhausted. I agree that it's truly incredible that he's going on holiday solo at this time.

Could he/would he take the older 3 children on holiday with him and his family, if they would pay for it, so that you can just have 2 weeks with the baby? Why not ask him,or perhaps your MIL?

Myimpression from the law firm of Google is that you would not beresponsiblefor any debts he took out withoutyourname on them (but check his access to the house equity,if any). So I think I would tell him that I no longer have the energy to police his finances or save him from debt, and that the clothes he chooses are up to him. If he runs into debt he can't pay, let him go bankrupt. Stop it taking up mental energy.

You're distanced from your family - you need a network. Are there any sympathetic members of his family (or your own-cousins, nieces?) who might support you, take the children out for a treat or lend a hand at bedtime for a day or two?

I would just think shorter term for a bit. It's a very extreme time.

ariane5 Sun 07-Jul-13 22:46:56

I've just had one of my worst days ever.

Really really horribly awful. Didn't even know whether to come and post or just hide away and cry.

I tried today to speak to dh. I tried so hard to make him understand that we need to change things.I told him this:

1. You need to manage your money better and you need to keep to the strict budget we are on as money is tight. No wasting money/no treats etc.

2. No holiday. I cannot manage alone for 10 days.

He sulked. Apparently I nagged.

He told me that as he "allows" me to have a relaxing bath each night (wtf? I have a bath once dcs are all finally asleep and technically he is 'on duty' if they wake up during that time) that my having 1 bath a day over the course of a year adds up to his 10 day holiday and that's his relaxing time and he will be going.

Each time he moaned he was tired today I said "oh well you are getting a holiday" in a sarcastic voice (petty I know).

I mentioned again how buying unnecessary things needs to end and he decided I had made him ill "oh no, I feel panicky, I'm going to be sick.it feels like the walls are closing in and I have palpitations. Please stop talking now" etc etc etc.then he went to sleep after putting dd2 to bed for 2hours.he wants a tattoo done in september that will cost 300 pounds and I said absolutely not, I will not be providing the money for it as dcs need new school uniform/school boots etc over the holidays. He was livid.

I am devastated at his disgusting attitude. Every single day I am exhausted with no prospect of a rest ever and I've been told that my bath every day is a "luxury" and that "you could save time and from now on have a quick shower".

Its over. Completely over.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:03:39

Christ alive. You poor woman. Who the hell does this entitled twat think he is?!

I cannot see how you can go forward with this man, as you seem to be operating alone in so many respects. His bath comment is despicable. WTAF? He has no concept of partnership, does he?

I'm pleased you're angry. You have every right.

ariane5 Sun 07-Jul-13 23:33:11

I can't go forward with him that is very true.

I am completely finished with the whole thing. I can't do this anymore. He has really made me realise today with his ridiculous comments and behaviour that I am better off alone.

MrsTomHardy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:49:27

Yes it does sound as if you will be better off alone. Sorry you are going through this sad

harrap Sun 07-Jul-13 23:54:25

He can't honestly believe your "luxury baths" are the same as a holiday, he can't honestly believe he is entitled to spend £300 on a tattoo when money is tight, can he? Do you think he really believes the things he says or is just responding like a guilty child with the first ridiculous thing he can think of?

Makes no difference to what you need to do. As hard as it will be I really think you will be better off without him. Hopefully your devastation will be replaced by steely calm and resolution soon. Good luck.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:58:46

I'd be tempted to shove the shower head up his backside.

Fucking cheek, really. He's incredible.

I hope you have some RL support and can see a solicitor soon. He's taken 'taking for granted' to a new level.

Good luck, OP.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:59:53

And tell him to tattoo TWAT on his forehead.

HansieMom Mon 08-Jul-13 00:42:28

I read some of your other threads yesterday. If you had one child with the serious version of ED that would be a lot to handle but you have four, all ill. Reading of the pain your little boy has, well, it is so much for one little person to suffer with.

I assume you and 'D'H both have ED and so kids get much more terribly affected?

Please keep your resolve and lose this creep. Can you get any help in that would be paid for by agencies?

Ashoething Mon 08-Jul-13 08:58:36

Destroy his passport and that's the holiday problem sorted.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 09:09:10

Yes, wouldn't it be terrible if his passport was missing...

Seriously though OP, I have lurked on your other threads. You deserve so much better.

Managing the finances of the family is very stressful and even harder when you aren't agreed on spending.

What is he bringing to your relationship?

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 08-Jul-13 09:25:49

ariane from your posts you are married to a cocklodging emotionally abusive bloke. Adding all the illness in has clouded the issue, I suspect if you were all in the best of health he would be just the same.

And being employed by family is further clouding things.

If he wants nice clothes on a tight budget he should look in TKMax, George at Asda, and above all charity shops. I have some v smart looking friends who use this strategy.

Why not take a look at the Emotional Abuse support thread?

ariane5 Mon 08-Jul-13 10:59:55

Illness has really clouded things I think as I have needed huge amounts of help with dcs but tbh I could if pushed manage it alone. Looks like I will have to.

As tempting as it is to hide his passport I won't. He will still go I know he will.

I suggested he goes back to mils but 'apparently' his GM will be moving in with mil so there will be no room. I have told him to look for somewhere else asap.

Portofino Mon 08-Jul-13 11:04:20

You need to TELL him he is not going. He has responsibilities and you cannot afford it. End of. If he kicks off tell him to fuck off.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 11:11:30

Oh ariane it sounds like you are having a really tough time.

I think your "D"H is enjoying his cake and eating it. He is playing you off against his parents. They'll take their "poor wee lamb" on holiday but when it comes to it, and you ask him to leave there's no room at the inn for golden boy.

I think you're right, he needs to find somewhere else ASAP. Where that is and how he affords it is no longer your concern. Tell him: you have a week to pack your things and get out.

DameFanny Mon 08-Jul-13 11:16:08

I'm so glad you're finally going to get out of this. I too have lurked on other threads - you can manage - you're an extraordinarily strong person and not having to worry about H will give you more headspace to manage all of you.

Are you going to ask for the transfer as well? That will force him to find his own place.

fuzzpig Mon 08-Jul-13 11:25:48

I'm glad you've posted that it's over, this has been coming for a long time.

You will be better off without him. I wonder if as a single mum you will be entitled to more help with caring for your DCs - charities etc (I have no idea if that's true, just a thought) not to mention the fact that he will have to pay maintenance and also presumably have access visits where he might finally realise just how difficult it is to do it on your own.

That and the fact you will no longer have a money draining, emotionally abusive arse in your house. That'll be the biggest difference!

WireCat Mon 08-Jul-13 13:53:16

I'm glad you've seen the light.

He is a total asshole.

Spero Tue 09-Jul-13 09:21:38

O ffs. I think they all age the same script. I was told that a weekend with my friend and our two babies was the equivalent on the relaxation scale to a long weekend skiing with other adults so how dare I complain?

These men are just selfish and entirely self absorbed. I don't think they will ever change, they will simply go from relationship to relationship until they have entirely used up every last drop of your goodwill or until they find someone utterly desperate who will just put up with them.

He is making things worse for you when a relationship should be about both of you benefitting for each others love and support. He is a leech.

Good luck. I don't think the future can be as bad as this. And hopefully will be 100s times better.

Eliza22 Tue 09-Jul-13 09:29:49

Jesus Christ, woman! Please remove this useless man from your life. He is selfish, abusive and really not worth the effort. Shocking.

I'm sending you a virtual hug.

He is a class one t**t.

Jux Tue 09-Jul-13 19:20:25

I don't think there is anything more you can do. He is either thick as shit or he just doesn't want to know.

Once he's gone, the possibilities for people popping out of the woodwork and offering help rise. Not to mention that you'll get more help from officialdom.

What's your situation vis a vis housing? If you're renting you could see about changing the contract into your name oly and then changing the locks when he's away.

nkf Tue 09-Jul-13 19:24:33

Are you the poster who can't get her glasses fixed because H lends money to feckless family?

Onetwo34 Tue 09-Jul-13 20:37:15

It will be hard alone but not as hard as it must be to put up with him.

ariane5 Tue 09-Jul-13 23:11:35

Yes that was me nkf-glasses broke in jan, I had eye test etc and only picked up new (Well old glasses with new lenses in and frames fixed) 3 weeks ago as didn't have the money till then!

We have a council house but when dh moved in I deceded not to make it a joint tenancy and so he is just down as living here but the tenancy is in my name. I can swap/transfer if I want to.
Dh is still here, we havnt spoken. He has been at work till very late today and yesterday. He has slept downstairs and I've told him to look for somewhere to live but made it clear I will still need help with dcs and that involves him driving them to school each morning, helping with any medical appts, having contact at weekends and paying maintenence.

Shylepite Tue 09-Jul-13 23:32:53

Every thread of yours I have read has had me shock at what a child he is! I'm sorry you're having such a shit time atm but things will be a million times better when this waste of space is out of your life x

Jux Tue 09-Jul-13 23:36:53

Good luck, ariane. I have read a couple of your old threads and I'm completely horrified by what you have to put up with in the children's father. It's not like you're being supoer-human already, but with him on top......

At least you won't have to bother about mil at all after he's gone.

wispa31 Wed 10-Jul-13 01:01:11

what the actual fucking fuck!?! you poor woman! havent read any of your other threads but jesus christ! what a total fucknugget he is!! get rid asap!! how the fuck is your daily bath a 'luxury' that then equates to a 10 day jolly while you are left with 4 ill kiddies??
get him out to fuck!

wispa31 Wed 10-Jul-13 01:01:56

shit i said fuck alot in that post! oops!

Eliza22 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:49:14

Ariane5, love, you're life is going to get so much better now that you've made your decision. I don't know you but, I salute you! thanks

Eliza22 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:51:49

Wispa I don't think you've used excessive "fuckery". A few "c" and "t" words wouldn't have gone amiss but, I'll not say them out loud this early in the morning (dc's sat next to me!) smile

wispa31 Wed 10-Jul-13 10:36:51

eliza - lol, i was very cross after reading this thread! he is a cunt of the highest order and i really hope ariane gets the support she needs to ltb!

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