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Can someone calm me down please?

(29 Posts)
midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 16:55:59

God, I feel so stupid writing this, but I don't know where else to turn. I was going to namechange, but what's the point?

I'm 26 weeks pregnant. have a toddler and three older children from my first marriage, live over 500 miles from any family and on Monday, whilst away with work, my husband told me it was over. I have moved around with him to follow his career.

He was supposed to get home tonight and we had a weekend of functions at his work to attend. Except, he's not coming back, he's going straight there. He says he will come and take our DD out tomorrow so he can see her. He hasn't rung or text all week, he has just ignored me like I am not important and don't exist.

I am in absolute pieces. I have just had to leave a party with the DC as I burst into tears when someone started asking about the baby. The baby that I will now be giving birth to and bringing up alone, because my pregnancy is high risk and there's no way I can move nearer family in the next three months.

I want with all my heart to just phone him and ask him to come home, but he's left before and I'm pretty sure he just thinks if he leaves it long enough I'll ask him to come back, which is what always happens. I don't want that, because nothing will change, but it is so hard not to just phone. I just feel so alone.

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 05-Jul-13 16:57:55

Sorry this has happened. I would try not to phone him if you can. Is there a friend you can call to come over?

changeforthebetter Fri 05-Jul-13 16:59:50

god what a bell-end he sounds sad it seems this is a pattern and a really destructive one at that. you are very vulnerable which presumably is how he likes it. how much older are your older dc?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 05-Jul-13 17:00:30

<holds hand>

I'm sorry, love, that you're going through this.

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:01:13

OMG what a nasty piece of work, that's the pits, how can he be so cruel. You need to get in touch with your friends, you need lots of hugs and support. Are you saying he leaves you quite regularly and then comes back, if so, do you really want a life with someone who treats you like that? I'm really sorry you're having to suffer like this, he sounds unhinged tbh.

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:02:53

Thankyou. It helps to hear it's not just me, because he has convinced me that it is I suppose.

My older DC are 9, 12 and 17. The 17 year old doesn't live here as he is doing an apprenticeship with his Dad, but he's due to arrive this evening for the weekend as he was going to babysit while we went to these work things. I've arranged to go to the cinema with a friend instead.

cocolepew Fri 05-Jul-13 17:02:54

I'm so sorry midori x

Cocktailsorcakes Fri 05-Jul-13 17:03:02

Someone with more experience will be along long soon.

Until then please think about if you really cant move? If there are friends and or family who you know would be there for you then call your midwife and see if your care can be transferred to that area. It might be complicated for them but explain your support network is there. Then call your family, tell them what has happened and (if care can be transferred) arrange to go to them.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 05-Jul-13 17:04:25

well done on arranging something for yourself with a friend! You are already putting in place great coping mechanisms

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:06:13

I think he's massively insecure. He's always thought I would leave him and so he throws himself into his career as he feels that if I leave that will be all he's got left. His working hours in themselves put a strain on things.

He doesn't do this regularly, but he's done it a few times before. He has accommodation at work, so he can just go there.

DHtotalnob Fri 05-Jul-13 17:07:23

What's his rationale? Is it the same as last time?

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:12:24

It's always the same I suppose, although there was a different trigger. I am a horrible bitch, want him to leave his job, don't care about him, don't support him etc etc.

cocktails, I really can't move. Financial reasons are one and I've had blood clots in my lungs in this pregnant despite already being on blood thinners, so travelling that distance isn't a great idea and I am not allowed to fly at all. Plus, I would be further from the nearest hospital there. It's possible my Mum can come up here for the birth, but that depends a bit on when it happens.

I know it sound stupid, but I can't help but think about the fact that my baby and toddler will have to grow up without their Dad around.

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:17:28

But they don't have to grow up without a dad, that's up to him, not you, it's his responsibility if he sees his children.

I'm glad you're meeting a friend, it will help you and keep you company too. I just don't get it, he's either seriously not right or is just a complete and horrible person, to do this to you makes me wonder what else he is capable of, how he can sleep tonight knowing what he has done to you is just beyond my comprehension.

Midori I know you from elsewhere (will pm your my iv username so I don't out myself).

Please, please ring your UWO, they can do so much, and contrary to popular opinion they do not take their side. If he is avoiding talking to you they can bring him backed and they will support you through whatever.

He is running to avoid dealing with the shit bomb he just dropped, but sorry, with you pregnant he doesn't get that luxury.

The only way to sort this, one way or another, is to talk. Your UWO will facilitate that, and whilst he can refuse when you ask, he can't refuse them.

So sorry you are going through this.

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:34:25

Thanks Coola, I don't really want to involve the UWO tbh.

My husband is back from being away today, he just hasn't come back to the house and will instead go straight in the mess and presumably continue ignoring me.

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:35:23

Obviously if he says he is coming to see DD tomorrow then he will be here then anyway, but I don't really see what will be achieve by taking to him tbh.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 05-Jul-13 17:45:41

Oh love, I am so sorry to hear this sad

WTF does he think he's doing!???

But you are right not to ring him and when he comes tomorrow do not ask him to come back, leave it this time, this cycle can't continue.

I don't suppose he would consider counselling??

Big hugs
xxx
(I have to go out now (work, nothing nice!), but will check back later)

CookieDoughKid Fri 05-Jul-13 18:50:19

First of all big hugs. The welfare of your baby and you come first so please rest when you can and take great care there.

Could you give a little background on your DH? How old is he? Is your baby his first? You say your DCs are from a different dad? I ask this because my DH was a complete twat in his younger days and really didn't want to accept responsibility but 6 years on, he has really grown up. We did couples counselling too.

My DH actually said, his reasons for being a twat were:
:- he didn't want to be pigdeon

Not all men, but from what I know ...men like their ego stroked (!), they are very self-centered. If we could explore some of his insecurities, it might help address why he is being like this.

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 19:02:46

Thanks again. It's suprising how much replies help, emotionally and to make me think more clearly.

I'm an idiot, I stupidly emailed him saying I hope he can have a nice time tonight, because I had to leave the party with the kids crying. He hasn't replied and I wish I hadn't done it now, I'm just going between feeling desperately sad and absolutely furious that he is treating me like this.

Cookie, my DH is 40, so not exactly young! He has two DC from his first marriage (grown up almost) and we have a toddler together and this baby on the way. He had a pretty shit childhood, tbh, neither parent really gave a shit about him, but he's never really faced up to any of it. I remember the first time I met his Mum, when we left she said she loved DH and when we got in the car he had a tear in his eye and he said it was the first time ever his Mum had told him she loved him! He was 32 then for goodness sake! I also think the reason his career is so important to him is that he has done extremely well and holds a very important position and I think that feeds his ego tbh. I probably did when we first met, I suppose I was very much the 'trophy wife' and I absolutely adored him. I still do I suppose, but obviously when you've been together a long time, things change.

Counselling may be a possibility, I think it's essential if there's any way of sorting this out. I'm just not sure if trying to get back together is for the best and that may not be what he wants anyway. I'm just hoping that I can avoid asking him to sort it out or even try and talk to him about it all tomorrow, I know Chipping is right about that. I'm not sure if he is assuming that if he asks me to go with him to the work thing tomorrow, I'll just go and he can just come back as if nothing's happened. Then again, maybe he just doesn't love me any more. sad

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 19:17:03

Is there another woman ? (women ?)

It sounds like it, and it sounds like a string of them with a pattern evolving that he comes back to you when the shine of the new pair of tits wears off

sorry x

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 05-Jul-13 22:01:23

Midori - sad I wish I could kick him up the arse for you. He has reasons to be insecure (his childhood etc), but at some stage he needs to take responsibility for that. He can't keep treating you like crap & leaving etc.

It is particularly bad this time, you are 26 weeks pregnant with a very vulnerable pregnancy - you don't need this much stress, but this much stress brought on by someone who is suppose to love you, cherish you, protect you and your baby... is really unforgiveable sad

Can you go out when he's due to collect/drop off the little one - let your older one do the 'handovers'?

Cocktailsorcakes Fri 05-Jul-13 22:29:44

Midori thanks for explaining why you can't leave. Is it possible for you to look at getting a doula to be there with you as support during the rest of the pregnancy & birth?

Second Chipping's idea of you not doing the handover. Can you get a bag packed ready & then just be busy upstairs when he gets there?

Hope you have eaten something & that you can get some rest

midori1999 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:10:59

I'm as certain as anyone can ever be that there are no other women. That's definitely not why he leaves anyway.

I don't even know what time he is supposed to be coming to collect DD tomorrow. He has emailed me back to say he is upset too apparently and has 'lost his kids again'. Funny how that hasn't stopped him going to his work function in order to try and sort it out.

Getting DS to do the handover would be sensible. I want to see him. I want him to want me, to say he wants to try again, but I know I somehow need to find the strength to not think about that and to avoid it, not least as if he doesn't want that it will hurt me even more. I don't even know which would be worse anymore...

A doula is a possibility and I'll look into it. I do have a few friends who could come to the birth with me, but I'm not sure I'd want them there tbh. They're good friends, but we're not really that close, if that makes sense and obviously it's going to be a very difficult and emotional time for me. Plus, I may have to rely on friends for childcare.

I've eaten, but nothing decent. I had a hot dog at the cinema, which I'm not meant to eat as I have gestational diabetes, although I am on insulin and I think I took enough to keep my blood sugars down. I just feel like eating junk when I get like this, which isn't good for the baby, so I need to get a grip of myself. I've got a hospital appointment on Monday and my first growth scan in two weeks.

Sorry for going on, it helps to get my thoughts down. It really helps that at least someone cares, even if he doesn't.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 23:15:23

he is just an utterly cruel fucker then ?

sometimes, an OW is the better option, tbh

practicality Sat 06-Jul-13 00:10:32

Sounds like he plays mind games to me. Is there anyway you can get to where he is staying and make sure he is alone?

midori1999 Sat 06-Jul-13 00:29:55

He's definitely alone. He will be at this work thing until the early hours and staying there and he would be seriously risking his job if it was found he was having an affair or if he had a woman back there, it would be thought extremely badly of and he wouldn't do it for that reason alone, if nothing else.

midori1999 Sat 06-Jul-13 10:26:11

Well, he's here. He turned up 45 mins or so ago. He hasn't really said anything at all, barely even a Hello. I asked if he wanted me to get DD ready and he said yes, so she's now been ready about 20 minutes and he is just sitting in the living room with her. confused

I was almost in tears getting DD ready, but thankfully managed not to cry. I don't really know what to do, short of actually telling him to bugger off. It's all very awkward. I could do with going back to bed for an hour really, as I couldn't sleep last night and woke early, well before the DC, this morning. I don't really want to do that while he's here though and I don't really want to go in there and say I'm going back to bed.

why can't he just fuck off?! sad

ElectricSheep Sat 06-Jul-13 10:43:59

Stay strong and calm Midori. Don't bring anything up - let him do the work. You've got to be sure now that this won't happen again for your own sake and your DC's.

Some time and space may be just what you need to for him to understand what he's missing sort out your feelings and whether you actually want him back. There's nothing so draining as an emotional pygmy, which is what he sounds like. If he really has to leave then he should - but to muck about about putting you through this sort of crap, then come back? That takes the biscuit angry And he's done it before? Words fail me.

Look after yourself first and foremost. A nice lazy day in the garden today?

midori1999 Sat 06-Jul-13 10:56:37

Thankyou.

He's gone now. I asked him what his plans were, because he had told me he was taking DD out. He didn't really say much, then got DD to put her things back in her bag and asked for the zoo membership cards. They've sent new ones, so it took a while for me to find them, so I said it would have been helpful if he'd let me know in advance he needed them, to which he replied he was sorry. I lost it a bit then and said that no, he wasn't sorry, he wasn't ever sorry for anything.

Now he's gone out with DD and I am sat upstairs crying. Why is this so hard? I feel so angry and I just want to scream at him that he is splitting our family up and he can't just come and go as he pleases and treat me like a fucking mug.

This is so awful.

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