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Anyone remember me?

(86 Posts)
MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:07:27

I can't link to my old thread. H had affair while I was pregnant and life-threateningly ill. 8 months on still horrific. Can't live. Hate everything. So so so sad. I'm sorry to moan.

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:12:14

Hand holding mummy. Keep strong , you will get through this for your little one ( ?? ) how recently?

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:12:45

I can't do it

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:13:04

And don't be sorry lots of us been there and survived and thrived!

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:13:29

He's 8 months old. Found out about affair when I was 35 weeks preg.

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:13:37

Yes you can you can do it for your beautiful baby

myroomisatip Fri 05-Jul-13 00:13:53

I cant say I remember your old thread but then I dont have time to read all of them.

I am sorry things are so bad for you, please feel free to moan away though! I know how much it helps.

I am sure someone clever will come along and link your old thead for you.
Do you want to say what has been going on over the last 8 months?

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:14:22

Men are crap !! His loss look what you have he will never have that bond x

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:17:20

8 months is still early days , were you together long? ( not that it matters)
Do you have RL support? Why do you feel you can't cope? Have you spoken to HV / GP ?

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:20:08

He has begged and pleaded and tried everything. He went to my parents house alone and told them everything. He called her in front of me when I found out and told her it was over. He went for std check up. He has showed his face at school lots of times (she is school run mum and my friend if 23 years). He has been to counselling. He has installed Find My Friends on his phone so I can track him. He has done everything I have asked and more. But I can't let it go. He now says all his love for me has died. He says its been eroded by me throwing it back in his face, or bringing up the affair every single day. Which is true I have. But I see her every single day. 3 times a day at school and preschool runs. Our eldest and middle schildren are in same classes and are best friends. She's a snake and he is worse. I'm trying but I just can't do it. But still I love him to distraction. Help me.

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:21:15

We have been together 10 years. Married for six. 3 DC

myroomisatip Fri 05-Jul-13 00:23:53

I wish I had some wise words sad Hopefully someone else will.

It must be incredibly hard for you. Have you had counselling? Just for you?

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:28:56

Im presuming you are still together. Do you think it's time to call it a day . I couldn't do it day in day out with it all screaming at me in the face. Perhaps you need to extricate yourself somehow.
I vaguely remember the thread , is moving schools dot Dcs not an option ? ( recall you said not)
For some an affair can be moved on from for others it's a deal breaker ( it was for me) !

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:30:20

And you did not 'erode' his love , he did that by betraying you!!!

myroomisatip Fri 05-Jul-13 00:30:46

If you have not had any counselling then I think you should get some.

I also think you should go and see your GP. You have had an enormous amount to deal with, the birth of a child is enough on its own without your H having an affair. I do not think it is reasonable for you to be able to 'move on' in any given period of time.

Your husband seems to be working to his own agenda! He cannot expect you to fit in with his imagined time scale of when you will forgive him!

lowercase Fri 05-Jul-13 00:30:55

I remember you I think...

So, you've eroded his love- nothing to do with him having sex with your friend.

No wonder you feel like this, double betrayal with pregnancy / new baby to cope with.

My instinct says, how dare they rob you of this special time with your baby and other DC.

You have been though a hell of a lot, and until you get him out of your life / see the truth of the situation, you are going to go through a lot more.

What is your ideal from here?
Is he living with you?
Do you want him back?

suburbophobe Fri 05-Jul-13 00:33:24

Yes, you can do it...

I was beaten during pregnancy. He left when my son was 6 months old told him to fuck off

With all due respect, he had his own problems, which is why it didn't work out.

My son is going into his 3rd year of university - dancing emoticon -

I won't say it was plain sailing, even now it,s not..

You just get on with it, in whichever way you can really..

I had to deal with taking care of my parents, and them dying too during all that. - Dad cancer, mum 7 years Alzheimers....

Never mind the office boss bitch! fuck her

That is life.

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:36:21

It's hard when you get to this point , I remember getting there and saying is this the kind of mum I want to be? Is this how I want my kids to think of me ( barely functioning , exhausted and depressed constantly on the brink of tears) at that point you have to decide what's best for you and them. He is the one who's created this situation and I agree the timescale is immaterial !!

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:40:57

If you decide to go it alone you WILL cope and you will be happier than you are now.
You did your best and tried to forgive him, but I really think sometimes some people are not made that way.

overtheraenbow Fri 05-Jul-13 00:47:53

Try to get some sleep ( unless you are in a different time zone) get up tomorrow , put on some lippy smile and say good morning fuck you to the OW. Walk through the playground with your head held high
Make an appointment to see a solicitor and take some control of YOUR life. Do it for yourself and your children( time to get angry it really helps)
That well worn saying on MN ' fake it till you make it' and you will . Sorry got to go as important meeting tomorrow and can't be falling asleep !!will check in in the morning ((hugs)) be strong for your beautiful Dc's they need you. Xx

Allalonenow Belgium Fri 05-Jul-13 00:49:08

I don't have any advice, but I know how awful it is, and how much it hurts, so sending you courage and strength. It is early days for you, you will get through this.

MollyMollyMolly Fri 05-Jul-13 01:27:31

Its very hard to deal with an affair. Your oh seems to have been trying very to turn things around hasn't he but if you are bringing it up every day then I don't think any relationship can survive the constant stress that that brings. I know its hard but if you really want to move on and start afresh then you have to let go and start a new relationship with him. If you can let go of the affair (which is totally understandable) then maybe you have to call it a day as you and he cannot live like that. Relationships can and do survive affairs especially when the husband is prepared to do as much as yours has done but 8 months of daily picking over the wound will definitely kill off whatever you are trying to rebuild. What happened is mind blowing. If he has said that he has no love left then maybe he cant do it anymore. What do you want Op? Do you think there is any chance that he will try again if you can move on? Do you want to?

ChipsNEggs Fri 05-Jul-13 05:32:45

I remember your thread. Wasn't he the one who was happy to let you think that you were going crazy as you knew something was wrong? It was tearing you apart for weeks. He wasn't sorry that you were going through hell, he was still happy to shag your 'friend' it only bothered him when he got caught. How long would he have let it go on otherwise? That's the behaviour of a total selfish bastard.

I couldn't get over it especially not with having to see her 3 times a day.

I think you need space from both him and her. Time to get your head together and decide what you really want.

Don't let him blame you for this, for any of it. He betrayed you horribly when you were pregnant and that was his sole choice. Its going to take a lot more than a few months of platitudes from him to heal from that.

hesterton Fri 05-Jul-13 05:44:57

It took me 2 years of doing, feeling, raging to forgive and move on when this happened. I only forgave because for 2 years he took it all and never blamed me or angered at my sheer grief and fury.

Then ten years later he started another affair. This time we both knew there was no point in trying to fix stuff- the process is so fucking agonisingly painful.

You are going to be ok without this man.He won't stand by you while you try and mend. Your happiness lies elsewhere. Keep talking and writing; there are some wonderful women on here with the best advice and support. I wish I had had MN all those years ago.

Mixxy Fri 05-Jul-13 06:54:32

You don't owe him forgivness or a reconciliation, so if you can't forgive and forget, its not your fault. Its still all his. Not only are you out a husband, you're also minus a friend. And I'd say your confidence has taken a knock.

I know you love him in some sort of way, bit this is eating you up. Tell him to leave. Giving it a try didn't mean you had to forgive him. It still his mess. Move on now. Tell him to sling it. You'll feel better for it.

How is your new baby? Healthy?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 07:00:17

You don't love him to distraction, you're just so frightened of the alternative that you're clinging to a memory of a functioning relationship & not the reality I can't quite work it out from your posts if he's still living with you and the DCs but, assuming he is, then please get him out of your eye-line and out of the house. Living with someone who has shown you this level of betrayal and contempt, thinking you have to 'move on' and accept their apologies, track their movements etc., reliving their disrespect for you on a daily basis will make you physically & mentally ill.

You can console yourself that you gave him more than a fighting chance, if that kind of thing is important to you. But for your own self-respect, ask him to leave now. It's painful but the only way to recover from something like this.

Good luck

toffeelolly Fri 05-Jul-13 07:07:08

Good luck.x

diddl Germany Fri 05-Jul-13 07:10:53

So he's now trying to blame you for what he did?

TBH, I would have got rid straight away.

I think that you deserve better & have done more than enough giving him a chance-although I see why you did.

Does he want out but is trying to get you to end it?

cozietoesie Fri 05-Jul-13 07:21:50

How are your DCs?

You're still with him? shock

He's annoyed you couldn't suck it up and won't give him his cushy life back, he's not truly sorry.

Stop torturing yourself and make him leave. You won't start feeling better until you do so, seriously.

Sorry you're P was such a vile git to you but you can do without him.

Hissy Brazil Fri 05-Jul-13 07:44:20

Sweety, you will be ok. Atm you have a millstone around your neck, so cut the ties, ask him to go, MOVE if you can, and start a new life without HIM or HER in it.

I have to say here that I have been through some godawful times in my life, and I owe my continuing existence to my friends, I know that a good friend is worth a billion inconsequential husbands/crappy family etc. I would never, ever cheat, and certainly never ever with a friend's husband.

That really IS, to me a bigger betrayal. There is no way i'd ever be able to forgive either of them. Like you it'd eat me up every second of every day.

I second counselling, you need a safe space to talk and express your feelings about this.

You tried. It didn't work out. You can't forgive him. That's that.

It'll be ok love, it really will.

BerkshireMum Fri 05-Jul-13 08:11:07

I thinki this is your original thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1603711-Help

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 08:29:38

Interesting that your biggest fear in your original thread was 'what if he leaves me for her?'.... and you wanted to keep hold of him at all costs. I think this is a sobering example of 'be careful what you wish for'.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 05-Jul-13 08:31:06

You tried

It was a mistake to try

It's not too late to put that mistake right

Mixxy Fri 05-Jul-13 08:52:25

anyfucker is right. You "won" him in the "contest" against the OW. Now you are realizing it was a shit bag prize. Get rid of. Honestly, you'll feel much better.

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 05-Jul-13 09:11:57

You have tried but you are beginning to realise this may be a dealbreaker for you no matter how hard either of you try.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 05-Jul-13 10:26:47

I advised you on your other thread not to fight for this booby prize

You did, you won it

But, not surprisingly, it is now not what you want or need

Throw it back

I guarantee that you're feeling the way you do right now because of him How can you feel ok when a man who did something that bad to you is still bloody living with you & has the audacity to be annoyed that you've not gotten over it yet hmm

It's a shame he didn't go off with the OW, or you'd have been shit of him ages ago & have been able to get some perspective on things.

*shot, not shit...

Wellwobbly Fri 05-Jul-13 10:53:59

MillyMollyMandy says something so important:

Its very hard to deal with an affair. Your oh seems to have been trying very to turn things around hasn't he but if you are bringing it up every day then I don't think any relationship can survive the constant stress that that brings. I know its hard but if you really want to move on and start afresh then you have to let go and start a new relationship with him. If you can let go of the affair (which is totally understandable) then maybe you have to call it a day as you and he cannot live like that. Relationships can and do survive affairs especially when the husband is prepared to do as much as yours has done but 8 months of daily picking over the wound will definitely kill off whatever you are trying to rebuild. What happened is mind blowing. If he has said that he has no love left then maybe he cant do it anymore. What do you want Op? Do you think there is any chance that he will try again if you can move on? Do you want to?

- I don't know what the answer is. Because, at this very moment there is a disconnect. You ARE traumatised. You ARE obsessed. You ARE thinking about it all the time. You ARE furious, wounded, all things that are hard and ugly.

- So you have to swallow these feelings down?????? I call this 'eating shit'. Swallowing the humiliation, the hurt, the shame, the grief, the rage.

WHAT DO YOU DO? It is kind of not dealt with in our IC. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

AnyFucker Germany Fri 05-Jul-13 11:01:36

My thoughts are quite simple.

If someone makes or has made you feel like this, they do not deserve to be in your life

skyeskyeskye Fri 05-Jul-13 11:28:26

I think that if a couple are trying to get through an affair, then it will never work if one partner does keep bringing it up. But in order to get through it, you have to talk it all through, have counselling and then put it away. or there really is no future is there?

I am not saying that is what you should do, some people simply couldn't do it and I don't think that I could. My XH was having EA with his best mates wife. I begged him to come back, but in reality, I would have never been able to trust him ever again, because I am a very loyal person and he totally betrayed my trust.

But he is wrong to blame you for ruining the relationship, because he did that all by himself. He can do as much as he likes to put it right, but he cant take away the fact that he did it.

and if you really cannot get past what he did, and I don't blame you for that, then there really is no point in continuing.

If a partner decides to try and make it work with a cheater, then at some point you DO have to forgive and forget, or you will never get past it.

Agree with af

If someone truly loved you they probably wouldn't have bloody done it and was truly sorry then they'd brace themselves for the unavoidable backlash from their actions. What is sounds like he's done is try for a bit to see if he could turn it around but now he's realized the extent of the hurt/amount of effort it would take to do, this selfish man has decided it's not worth it and that she should put up & shut up now or else hmm

Also, if you can't stop bringing it up then that's a sure sign that you wouldn't be able to get past it, no matter how much time passed. But you're not in the wrong for that.

It's the risk you take when you cheat. That you'll be caught and that the trust will be permanently ruined and the partner will be too hurt to move past it.

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 05-Jul-13 12:12:15

I posted this is response to Wellwobblys post, but on another thread.

I think that expecting the betrayed party to "let go and start a new relationship" is more damaging than the ranting.

If the betrayer is not shown exactly how much hurt they caused then it could leave the false impression that the betrayed isnt actually that bothered! One of the things that made my STBX realise just what he had done was the fact that 6 months later I would still cry about what he did. He admitted that he never thought it would hurt me so much or for so long. It was that final realisation that it wasnt just a bit of fun that I would soon "get over" that pushed him into therapy.

He is actually making good progress although he has been very down recently as he has been forced to look at the true him, not the image of himself that he had. He has said that it has been very hard for him to accept that he is a liar, a coward, a cheat and a very very selfish person. As I said, he is making progress and is working very hard to change that part of himself, and I hope for his and our DD's sake that he manages it. It may be too late for us, I dont know yet, but it is never too late for him.

Had I swallowed it down and not let me feelings out then none of that would be happening.

I also think that if someone kicks off about the fact that their betrayed spouse isnt "over it" within a time scale the betrayer thinks is reasonable then they probably dont actually care that much about their spouse. If they truly loved them, truly wanted to make it work and was prepared to do whatever it takes then they would accept that the ranting and the pain is a natural consequence of their actions. By allowing the betrayed to scream and shout and get their feelings listened to and validated the betrayed is likely to recover more quickly than if they are subtly or not so subtly pushed to hide those feelings and "get over it".

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 05-Jul-13 12:15:20

Also OP I would seriously consider changing schools. You cant possibly be expected to move onto a new future when the best friend who betrayed you is there everyday. I think you have done incredibly well to cope so far, but there are times when you have to say "enough" and I think that time is now.

Agree about changing schools! That must sting every single time and make it impossible to heal from everything, regardless of your P.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 05-Jul-13 19:14:42

Ah I was wondering what wobbly was referring to.

As the betrayer, he has to suck it up - he can't expect you to be fine with it all. He betrayed you in the most terrible way - shagging OW while you were carrying his baby.

Of course you are still recovering- you've given birth and had a newborn to cope with on top of everything.

He should be doing everything he can to reassure you of his love - sadly, it seems he is incapable of this.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 05-Jul-13 19:15:59

Many people in a similar situation say it took them TWO years to recover - and that's without a pregnancy/newborn.

Wellwobbly Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:46

Orchard keeper, you genius. This was EXACTLY the deal I was offered:

'What is sounds like he's done is try for a bit to see if he could turn it around but now he's realized the extent of the hurt/amount of effort it would take to do, this selfish man has decided it's not worth it and that she should put up & shut up now or else'

But Skye has put her finger on the problem in 'reconciling'. That the betryaed person has been mortally wounded, and as in any traumatic thing has a real need to 'go on about it'.
But they are required to 'keep the peace' and not talk about this momentous thing that has happened, and all the sh*tty emotions that go with it. Even in IC this is expected.

There has only been one psychologist I have read who keeps the focus clearly on the cheater and says: you caused this, you take it. And you keep on taking it until she gets it out of her system [and outlines the process of ranting, screaming etc to renewed trust and healing].

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:30:29

Hello.
Thank you so so much to all of you who have replied. Just reading now. Have had very busy day, so not been online since last night. DH is here, he does still live here, our 3 DCs are beautiful, and the baby is healthy and got his first tooth this week. H lets me rant and complain. He has offered to leave, lots of times, but I've said no. I still believe there is good in our marriage. He said today that he was angry last night and does love me. I pulled the rug out from under him, he said. I had told him I felt like I was forgiving him as feeling almost positive again. That made him really thankful he said. Then I had a crap day and told him that it wasn't true. He says he'll do anything it takes, but I am making it harder for us both by constantly changing my kind about what I want him TO do. He text me this mining to say that he thought we were further on than we are, but that he's prepared to put the work in. I don't mean to change the goal posts all the time. I guess I'm unsure about how exactly I feel. The thing which keeps me going and let's me know I'm doing the right thing, WE'RE doing the right thing, is that's I feel better now than I did last week, and was better then than the week before that and so on. I am immeasurably better than I was six months ago. I want my Marie and interning. It's hard but we do love each other. Thank you again. I sound like a tool, I know.

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:32:44

Jesus. Typo city. Marie means marriage. Interning means we're trying. Exhausting day plus toothache. Grim.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 05-Jul-13 23:35:34

and so the the wheel turns

now that is fucking grim sad

feel a little optimistic until he cuts you down to shit again

what a way to live, what an example to set for your children < sigh >

MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 23:46:33

He didn't cut me down to shit. We were both feeling positive then I told him I didn't feel positive at all and he said it was confusing. I'm not defending him in the slightest. I know what he did was indescribable ad despicable. I know that. But I decided to let him stay. There is no point in us trying if either of us keeps sabotaging it. My children aren't being set a bad example. They are very young and we have never involved them.

ChipsNEggs Fri 05-Jul-13 23:58:47

He is a twat, a total and utter twat and he knows exactly how to play you.

He said that you were eroding his love for you, he said it because he knew you'd panic and start to dance to his tune again, he's right you have.

This 'man' holds you in utter contempt. He is treating you like shit, he was happy for you to think you were going mad whilst he continued to shag your friend. He has never been sorry about anything except being caught.

You deserve so much more than this. He does not love you and you've won nothing.

I'll bet he's learned a lesson though, next time he'll use a secret phone to conduct his affairs.

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 06-Jul-13 00:00:57

Thanks

lowercase Sat 06-Jul-13 00:03:06

Even tiny babies sense stress from ones sweat, children do know, and will be affected.

What a cheek he has to get arsey with you, saying you are making it harder?
These are consequences of his actions.

I'm very much in the LTB camp in this situation, though you want to stay, get away from OW then.
Different schools have been suggested.

What a mess, and none of it is your doing.
Bless you OP.

ChipsNEggs Sat 06-Jul-13 00:06:38

You do deserve so much more than this. You come across as a lovely, caring person, you don't deserve to feel like this. You deserve someone who appreciates that your special and treats you as such.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 06-Jul-13 00:13:46

Mummy I know you are feeling got at, but the problem is that because we are on the outside we can see that you are being manipulated. Now it may be that he isnt doing it consciously but it is still happening.

My worry is that his hot and cold behaviour, his accusations etc will have the desired effect and you will end up "putting up and shutting up" on the name of trying to make your marriage work, because he kicks up if you dont.

Please do read my post above, every word that I wrote about my own marriage is true. I refused, and still do refuse, to keep a lid on my feelings because it might upset him. I also changed my mind on a daily basis about whether I felt positive, little things like him taking too long in the bathroom would set my down the "I hate him, this marriage will never work" route and could end up feeling that for days. There is no security for you yet so any happiness or trust you feel is very fleeting, building that back up takes years not months. Silly little things that would never have bothered you before suddenly become "proof" that he will never change....I remember one being that he forgot to put the babys nappy in the bag, something I often forgot myself. But when he did it it led to a Battle Royale and me not speaking to him for 3 days.

And sweetie, the kids will know something is wrong even if they dont know what it is.

Take care

skyeskyeskye Sat 06-Jul-13 00:19:00

A family member had an affair with her husbands friend. She moved out, was disowned by half the family. After a few months when OM wouldn't commit to her and she realised the grass wasn't greener, she asked her H if he would take her back. He made her wait six months then he took her back and said " we draw a line under this and never mention his name again".

He is a far greater person than I could be in that situation. But he was right in that they had to put the past behind them if they were to create a future.

But there are not many people who could do what he did and I really don't blame them.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 06-Jul-13 00:23:37

Wow, that is something else Skye

I dont know anyone who could do that, I know I couldnt!

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Jul-13 06:45:50

Neither could I Bogeyface. I would far prefer to be in a marriage where communication is open and honest - otherwise it must be like having an elephant in the room. It helps my DH understands where I am coming from when I get into a strop/mood and he is the one who helps me out of it.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 06-Jul-13 08:31:56

I actually do think you have to draw a line under it, but only when you are ready.

You are not moving goalposts, you are having conflicting emotions.

I think it is admirable that you have tried.

I think from what people say, two years is the starting point, then is he prepared to work towards that?

Change is school seems like a good idea.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 08:40:41

I think it's unfair to accuse the OP of 'keep bringing it up'. His very presence is bringing it up. Living in the house where the crying and yelling took place is bringing it up. Dropping kids off at school bumping into the DH's mistress is bringing it up. When basic aspects of everyday life are connected to the traumatic event, it's always going to be top of mind.

My marriage ended a long, long time ago now but I still get surprise flashback moments triggered by a song on the radio, the mention of a particular name, and can feel suddenly down. OP, you will never forget this and if you never forgive him, that's perfectly OK too.

I remember your threads. The contrast between how lovely you are and how appallingly he was treating you was, sorry, quite unforgetable.
To people who haven't read those threads- he was fucking her friend, telling the friend he loved her, and telling op that she was mad, sick and 'needed help'. (This while op was pregnant.
I would never forgive him.
I remember he has threatened to leave before because you won't let it go. Fuck him.
I remember you are catholic and under some community pressure. That's fine, as long as you are aware of what a cruel twat you are choosing to stay with.

Hissy Brazil Sat 06-Jul-13 09:35:01

I think for you to truly gain some perspective and strength, you need some peace in your life. Time and space to work out what it is you have in your life, what you want and need.

I think you need to ask your H to move out for a bit.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 06-Jul-13 09:35:16

Sorry OP.
what a nightmare year for you.
I think you are coping amazing having a new born is hard enough let alone everything else that has happened.

My partner had an affair last summer and I do remember your threads. I have removed myself from where we were living, being close to where she used to live and knowing I could bump into her at anytime was not for me and when occasionally I have to go back it does trigger emotions. How you can do this daily is beyond me.

I know how hard it must be to make a decision and you don't want to give up on your marriage but in a kind gentle way of me asking, is it what you really want for the rest of your life? You will never forget and might forgive who knows but would you be truly happy?
You can do it on your own and you may meet someone new and wonderful, many people do.
Maybe give yourself a time frame to work to-if it's no better by then make the changes to be on your own.
Or ask him now to leave a d give you space. Space to work out what you want without the drama.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 06-Jul-13 09:35:54

Cross posts with Hissy smile

FeegleFion Sat 06-Jul-13 10:04:44

OP, my P left, two weeks ago. No OW, just a manchild who is selfish and not the person I believed he was.

I have 2 DC. DS is 7 months old today.

I know it must be scary for you to consider being on your own but I'm living it right now and although I'm terrified I am also experienced enough as a single parent (dc1 is not his and I brought her up alone for many years) and I know life will be good for me again.

It's bloody hard but I have no choice.

If you are determined to stay then you must find a way to draw a line under the past and move forward. Maybe you need to consider counselling.

Good luck, whatever happens.

skyeskyeskye Sat 06-Jul-13 10:26:22

I am not saying that she should forgive him but there is no future in the marriage if she can't move on from this. How can there be?

I couldn't do it, but if OP wants her marriage to continue then she does need to find a way through this. If she can't then the marriage is over. You cannot stay together as a couple continually discussing the past. It needs to be discussed to death and laid to rest.

Yes he deserves everything he gets from OP but that cannot continue forever.

It's only eight months since discovery - yet twice the dh has told her to get over it.

Perhaps the onus should be on him to suck up the shit storm he so merrily created.

skyeskyeskye Sat 06-Jul-13 11:02:22

I agree it's still very mych early days and that H should be doing everything he can to make things right but long term it has to be resolved or there is no future. That is something that only OP can decide.

How do you think you can move on from this OP? What do you need to move forward? Your H needs to understand that and work with you to sort everything out.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Jul-13 11:37:07

Skye - how do you define long term? 6 months? 1 year? 18 months? 5 years?

Its not about "discussing" it, its more about working through your emotions. Its not about punishing him either.

And it can take years for the cheater to work on himself and make changes - especially if certain traits such as selfishness are so ingrained.

Recovery is a long and ongoing process and not everyone can hack it.

My DH knows where the door is if he no longer wants to listen/reassure/comfort me when I need it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Jul-13 11:40:51

The best way OP to move on is for her to see that he has changed - is he going to counselling? doing some reading? has he gained an insight into why he chose to cheat? into his issues, values and beliefs? is he working on his character flaws? investing in the marriage? established boundaries etc?

skyeskyeskye Sat 06-Jul-13 12:15:23

It's just obvious though that it is never going to work unless it is put behind them. They both have to want to make it work or there really is no point. I know that betrayal is a huge thing but you cannot want to move forward and keep the marriage if it is continually dragged up over and over again. There is no timescale but how can there be s future if its never let go? There has to be a point where it is put away surely?

how can there be a marriage otherwise ?

My counsellor told me that both parties have to want to make it work or there is no point. if you make the decision to stay with a cheater then surely part if that decision is all about moving on from what has happened?

I agree that her H needs to prove himself and do everything he can but it surely cannot continue in this way.

If it would still be an issue five years on then there is no marriage is there? Surely? Just two very unhappy people.

TheConstantLurker Sat 06-Jul-13 13:00:00

Sounds to me as if you are simply going through a process which you hope will end up with your marriage stabilising. You say things are getting better, easier but it would be totally expected imo for you to have days/weeks/months when you are in agony again. Similarly your husband is working his way through and at times has difficulties.
When he makes his crass comments in future remind him forcibly that you are entitled to take as damn long as it takes, forever even and he has to eat that shit!
Agree that moving school would be better.
Good luck op. I'm sure you are showing your children a great example and don't let any fucker tell you differently.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Jul-13 18:57:24

Skye - The more one is able to process their feelings, the quicker they are able to let go. Sweeping things under the carpet and pretending it never happened is unlikely to work in the long term.

FeegleFion Sat 06-Jul-13 19:23:30

I think both Mad and Skye have very valid points.

Each time I read one or the others' responses I'm convinced more that, in fact, you are both right.

This is only going to go away when the OP has worked through her own feelings of betrayal and when her DH has proven to her that he is doing all he can to win her trust and her heart back, but the marriage will fester and die, if the OP can't begin to move forward and see a time when she can draw a line under it.

I have no idea how long that will take but for her own well being and self esteem, she must work on letting herself heal to be free of the torture of the betrayal.

In essence, there's a lot of work to be done by both to heal the marriage. If both are committed, I'm sure it can work.

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 06-Jul-13 20:59:30

Thank you again everyone. Been out at a l

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 06-Jul-13 20:59:53

Tut!

Been out at a k

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 06-Jul-13 21:00:55

FFS! Too much sun! Been out all day, just reading replies now.

OW is a HCP who works with pregnant and new mothers. City wide expert. I may have just outed myself.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Jul-13 21:42:22

Feegle - I also think much will depend on the circumstances surrounding the affair (e.g length of affair, was it during a pregnancy, how did he treat betrayed party, who was OW etc).

In OP's case, because she was pregnant and had a life threatening illness, she will find it very hard to come to terms with it. I don't really know if she ever will as I don't get the impression her H is doing enough to help her recover.

PeppermintPasty Sat 06-Jul-13 22:48:53

Frankly, from my very personal point of view, it has taken years and years for me to deal with my partner's betrayal.

It's around 7 years ago and we stayed together(after a prolonged period apart). Some things he did I will actually never talk about on here, they were so appalling.

It's been hard hard work, on both sides.

The point in my posting is to tell you about the time it took me, and actually, to say that if I'm honest, it still affects me, and us. At the moment, and probably for the last year or so, I've been struggling with trust issues. Nothing to do with betrayal, just trust over supposedly everyday issues in our relationship.

And this, I've come to understand, is the legacy of his betrayal. Without that betrayal being directly linked to things we're going through in the here and now (by that, I mean I have genuinely forgiven him), it in fact colours all issues that come up relating to trust.

It's very very hard to deal with. One day I may even start a thread about it ho ho.

I can't read this back as I'm on my phone and it won't let me, I'm not at all convinced it makes sense.

comingintomyown Sun 07-Jul-13 07:01:58

I would ask your husband to move out for a while , if finances permit take a 6 month rental somewhere nearby so he can still be close to the DC

I think the detail of his affair ie with a friend and while you were pregnant is what I wouldnt be able to get past

PeppermintPasty Sun 07-Jul-13 08:05:07

I forgot to add that one thing my dp hasn't done, is expect me to shut up about it. If it ever comes up now, it's in a historical sense in context, depending on what we're talking about. He knows he has to suck up whatever I throw at him.
8 months is no time at all.

MollyMollyMolly Thu 11-Jul-13 14:11:08

Op....this is your marriage and you can get all the opinions you want, but at the end its you and your relationship and if you want it to work and believe that you both have enough love left then you should do it. grin

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