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If you found out 'd'h lied about where his was staying while working away

(45 Posts)
Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 00:39:00

Would you confront or store the information...

He stayed with someone he once had an emotional affair with but is now married. Her husband was there too, I don't think anything untoward is going on other than he knows I wouldn't like him staying there. He told me specifically he was staying elsewhere.

The emotional affair was about five years ago when she had split from her partner (who she is now married to)

I've read his messages so def know where he stayed.

BlameItOnTheBogey Thu 04-Jul-13 00:45:28

Do you definitely know her DH was there?

LegoCaltrops Thu 04-Jul-13 00:47:57

Are you certain her DH was there as well?
Personally I'd have to confront, it would eat away at me otherwise.

Hope someone will come along soon with more advice.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 00:50:04

Yeah cause he spoke about taking a certain gadget to show him and she mentioned that he always liked to see him...

fortyplus Thu 04-Jul-13 00:51:21

Definitely confront - he's lied to you

BOF Thu 04-Jul-13 00:51:33

I'd pack his bags.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 04-Jul-13 00:57:36

for me, the lying about it would be a massive abuse of my trust, regardless of whether his "OW's" DH was there or not.

As an aside though, does the DH know about the emotional affair? I can't imagine any partner who would be happy welcoming a previous OM into their house, even if he and his later DW were apart at the time <speaking from experience>

TalkativeJim Thu 04-Jul-13 00:59:11

I second BOF

BOF Thu 04-Jul-13 01:00:31

I doubt the husband was there.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 01:06:32

No I don't think the husband knows... Am sure as I can be that he was there. 'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny the emotional affair even though we almost split up... They were always just good friends... hmm

At least if I don't say anything I can still see what's being said, and feel a little in control (yes I know how stupid that sounds supposedly being in control) only problem is I can't stand being near him sad

NatashaBee Thu 04-Jul-13 01:11:38

I'd store the information and keep watching. If the husband doesn't know, then it doesn't give you any indication that it was innocent... (Sorry). For all you know they could have been in the house alone before the husband returned from work or after he left the next morning.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 07:09:24

Def going to keep watching, am totally prepared for it not to be innocent, although I do think it is innocent, it is its the lying that gets me, never really realised how easily that came to him...

HenWithAttitude Thu 04-Jul-13 07:24:31

The emotional affair in the past wouldn't worry me (ESP as her husband was there by the sounds of it). What would bother me is being lied to. I could not be with someone who lied, no matter what about

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 07:27:40

Why are you frightened of calling your husband out on his deception ?

Because you looked at his messages ?

Fuck that.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 07:29:35

Good luck at keeping your mouth shut as you look at his smug and deceitful face over the cornflakes

I couldn't do it

Do you keep your mouth shut about a lot of things to hang onto to a cheating partner ?

Boosterseat Thu 04-Jul-13 08:45:52

He lied about where he was staying?

And you’re going to sit on this?

Ex EA or not it’s not bloody acceptable to lie about where you are staying.

Sorry, I couldn’t and wouldn’t live with that

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:52:38

He can still stay in a hotel and show her dh the gadget. Why does he have to stay over and lie to you about it? Agree there is the risk that he could be using this as a convenient cover for sneaking things in the cracks of time.

Does she work outside the home during the day? What time is her dh at home? Are you sure he even went to work that day?

Wellwobbly Thu 04-Jul-13 08:53:11

'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny

- I was talking with a male IC about this very thing this week.

This apparently, is the hugest mistake that women make - their assumption that men do not know exactly what they are doing. Instead, they are 'confused' 'depressed' or 'can't remember'.

Male IC said: it lets men off the hook all the time, whilst being controlling and patronising.

My take on it: we do not really, or are not really able to, take on board just how much [immature/abusive/not straight] men lie to us in order to keep a position of advantage.

And the position is beautifully illustrated by chumplady.com 'the unified theory of cake'. EVERYTHING boils down to cake.

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:57:00

You never forget an emotional affair. Did he have the emotional affair during your or her marriage or both? Even more reason why he would not forget!

blueshoes Thu 04-Jul-13 08:58:54

I'd be hopping mad. But will resist the temptation to confront him immediately. Is it possible to do more investigation as to whether this is the first time he has done this or is this part of a bigger pattern of behaviour? If it is the former, you have to nip this in the bud but build your case first before tipping him off.

How often does he work away?

Fairyloo Thu 04-Jul-13 09:05:36

You would leave for that? I don't believe you BOF

Lies, secrets, omissions.... those are what destroy a marriage. Confront him. If he was really over her, and really respected you he wouldn't have any contact with her, or go anywhere near her out of respect for you.

brilliantwhite Thu 04-Jul-13 09:16:01

although I do think it is innocent, it is its the lying that gets me, never really realised how easily that came to him.........

if its innocent he would not of lied .

It's surely a given that it's never going to be salvageable after this?

He had an EA anyway...and now this!

You're not going to trust him again and no trust = a bad/unhealthy relationship.

I'd confront him with the general belief that this was the beginning of the end personally.

Sorry for you, you must feel so hurt to know he could lie to you so easily and would probably continue to do so, as long as you didn't 'find out' too late, the idiot hmm brew

(and innocent or not, he lied because he knew you'd hate it, rightly so, rather than just not bloody doing it. That speaks volumes. Also, he can't have much integrity if he's able to be around her DH who has no idea, which is pretty cruel in itself?

If you aren't up for leaving for the time being then I bet keeping it to yourself and watching him think he got away with it/doing it again will help you make your mind up. Good luck).

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 04-Jul-13 09:36:26

He's lied, why would he lie if it was innocent?

Ahhhcrap Thu 04-Jul-13 10:13:38

If he forgets the EA he'll forget he lied about where he was staying... His lack of memory serves him well for brushing his wrong doing under the carpet...

You can either choose to confront or live with it?

ageofgrandillusion Thu 04-Jul-13 10:37:31

Dont get why her partner let him stay if he had emotional affair with his missis. Wtf is that about? What did the EA entail?

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 04-Jul-13 10:51:10

You don't trust him, can't bear to be near him and you're living in tenterhooks because of his actions. You need to think about whether you'd be happier alone.

MrsMelons Thu 04-Jul-13 12:07:27

I think it is more likely he has lied to you as he knows you won't like it.

My DH lies about stupid stuff for that reason but I have told him he cannot do this anymore and that if it genuinely is something he doesn't want me to know then may he shouldn't be doing it. If it is something that he thinks I won't like due to my own issues then he needs to man up and tell me outright!

I would have to say something, it is about trust and you cannot trust him if he is lying to you about this sort of thing.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 21:17:07

MrsMelons you have it spot on, that's exactly why he's lying, and agree, he should bloody well just man up and be honest about it.

Onesleep, I wouldn't be unhappier without him, iysim?

I don't really know what I want, if it were easy to move out then I prob would. However, we're in loads of debt and his business isn't bringing in enough money. It would destroy our almost teen boys, I think. At the moment I think it's just easier to live with it. I have life of my own, good job, lovely friends... I can just get on with it for now... It's not like I'm stuck in the house 24/7, I'm very independent.

God I must sound stupid. I'd be saying the same as most of you if I were reading this. Funny when the shoes on the other foot, I always think its clear cut...

Xales Thu 04-Jul-13 21:28:47

He lied so he could do exactly what he wanted.

He knew it would hurt and upset you. He didn't care that it would hurt and upset you. He lied so he wouldn't have to deal with you. If he actually cared it would hurt and upset you he wouldn't have done it.

He knew that sleeping over at the place of someone you got emotionally involved with and almost lost your relationship over is generally not the done thing.

He lied for his own benefit.

I wonder how many other times he has lied for his own benefit.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Jul-13 22:54:55

'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny the emotional affair even though we almost split up... They were always just good friends...

If I understand this right, he had an emotional affair. You confronted him. He denied it. You almost split up over it. He continued to deny it. You stayed in the relationship and he has never admitted it or apologised for it or shown any kind of remorse for it?

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 22:56:34

...and he is still at it

Boosterseat Fri 05-Jul-13 10:30:00

You don’t sound stupid at all but I really do think you need to assess why you think it’s easier to stay?

Is it really easier to live with the suspicion creeping in every time he goes away, leaves the house or takes a phone call outside.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, to echo the other posters – he lies to suit his own needs.

That’s enough for me to leave.

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Jul-13 16:40:28

I agree.
He had an emotional affair.

He lied about it. You don't trust him, snooping at messages - FFS why bother? Get rid.

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 16:57:48

Why are you not calling him out on this, esp after him having an affair, when he did that to you, he killed the trust, maybe not completely but once a partner has been unfaithful, it's tainted forever. Ask him why he lied, you won't know until you do.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 17:08:46

OP has disappeared

Come on, love. Get your Big Girl Pants on now. This bloke is taking the piss

He doesn't remember his ea does he? But he remembered that he needed to lie to stay at her house. Doesn't add up. Pretending that he cannot remember and effectively re writing history, is a way to control and weaken you and your argument. He is manipulative, he doesn't deny, he claims you made it up,, therefore you are in the wrong, and you should question yourself and not him. Wanker.

Id walk.

akaWisey Sat 06-Jul-13 08:01:02

That's a WHOPPER of a lie in my book OP and it's not just about where he laid his head that night either, is it?

I'm with AF because I've been where you're at now. Watching and waiting turned out to be the worst thing I could have done, my biggest mistake.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 06-Jul-13 08:08:24

Ummm I hate to point this out, but....

Even if the husband was there it is hardly unheard of for people to get a bit naughty!

Fifteen minutes alone, partners asleep, come on you've heard the stories.

SacreBlue Sat 06-Jul-13 08:15:14

A very good friend invited me up to hers, sat talking long into the night, her DH went to bed then I went shortly as there was a funny atmosphere between her and her DH's male friend (also visiting) Needless to say she admitted later she was having an affair - under the same roof as her DH

If people are determined to cheat they will, regardless of where they are or who they are with. If you are happy to turn a blind eye now then that is entirely up to you. Personally I couldn't manage that disrespect from a partner.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Jul-13 12:27:13

At the moment I think it's just easier to live with it. I have life of my own, good job, lovely friends... I can just get on with it for now... It's not like I'm stuck in the house 24/7, I'm very independent.

If this is what you really want, you would need to accept that the relationship is over and you are just staying for these reasons. There would be no need to check up on him because you wouldn't even care what he was doing.

You would need to let go emotionally and make plans to leave when the time is right. Don't expect him to be faithful - he won't. Do expect him to continue to lie to you.

You can live like this if you want but you need to take steps to protect yourself from the emotional and mental distress his actions will cause you.

Perhaps doing it this way will be the more acceptable option to you for now. You can take your time to look at the relationship in a more detached way and see what sort of person he really is. You can work on your own self esteem and decide what you want for yourself.

Make a five year plan. Where do you really want to be in five years. That's long enough to get a new qualification or learn a new skill, or change career, whatever. Make a plan, work out the steps you need to take to achieve it and start putting it into practice.

Small steps. Start now.

OctopusPete8 Sat 06-Jul-13 12:35:12

I would definitely confront,if he had a short memory why would he deliberately deceive you?

AnyFucker Sat 06-Jul-13 14:10:51

where has OP gone ?

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