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Help Me overcome Hatred

(57 Posts)
buthow Wed 03-Jul-13 15:02:29

Hello Everyone

im sorry if this is long and please no offence

Ever since I was left by my BD I hate men so much I feel they are all the same. Every time someone stops me or asks for my number I feel disgust. My friend and I had a terrible argument the other time when I was telling her not to trust her bf because they are all the same. i was pissed at the fact that she saw what happened to me but continued to have unprotected sex with her bf i thought somehow she would learn from my mistake. i know it was wrong and I know there are some good guys out there but I feel most of the population of men are selfish and evil. they leave women suffering with kids abandon pregnancies and move on with no guilt just deny and walk away. the few good men out there are clouded by the bad men . if there is someone married trace their life its eighther he is cheating or abusive. truly I have hatred in me I hate the man who made me have an abortion once and now I hate the man who got me pregnant and left I wish I could only hate these two men but its growing to all the men I see users liars cheaters. I have to change I know but right now I feel forgiveness is so far from me

How do I cope?How do I stop hating every other men and jus focus on hating the bustard who left me. no offence to men please and all the ladies who are happy with good men out there I jus wish I could change the way I look at men but if they are not benefiting something they will be cruel. There is one time some gal was stranded with transport and got a lift from a man way older than her easy enough to trust but when he picked her he wanted her to pay for the ride through sex. I mean really couldn't he just help her with transport and not ask for sex. I feel like there is no men who can help a woman out of the kindness of his heart if he is doing something somehow its benefitting him. am I damaged

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Jul-13 15:48:00

At least you realise how you're feeling is irrational/excessive, if understandable. That's half the battle, I'd suggest. It's true there are an awful lot of horrible people in the world and it's equally true that you have to keep your eyes open for these horrible people but they are a) not exclusively male and b) not the entire population.

So you're not damaged, don't worry, you're just experiencing 'once bitten, twice shy' defensiveness and you're super-sensitive to even a hint of male twattery. I don't know how long it's been since your last bad experience but, given that hatred is such an exhausting state to be in, I think it'll fade as time goes by. What you'll be left with is a healthy cynicism and very strict boundaries... not a bad thing

My suggestion is keep an open mind best you can. Kind, decent men do exist, but if you put up too many barriers, the only ones that will dare approach you (and I mean as friends and acquaintances, rather than prospective boyfriends) will be the arrogant bullshitters who see you as a challenge. Quiet, 'nice' men might be too intimidated and back off.

buthow Thu 04-Jul-13 07:02:34

CogitoErgoSometimes thankyou needed to hear that

You say you want to just focus on the bastard who left you. Try not to; hate is destructive, time-consuming and frankly, boring. The best way to get him back is to lead a happy and fulfilling life. Concentrate on that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 10:24:32

You mean 'get back at him'... not 'get him back' ?

buthow Thu 04-Jul-13 12:50:43

That should mean "get back at him" I really don't want him back. I just feeling much better hating him seeing him in pain the way I am feeling now. OMG tht sounds bad but it feels so good to me to say that he needs to be in pain

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 13:05:24

They rarely do experience the same pain, though, do they? That's the futility of hate. It's maddening... you want them to suffer in some horrible way and for cosmic 'karma' to find them out, but they seem to walk off without a backward glance and go on to lead a charmed life. I can't tell you how cheated I felt discovering that my exH wasn't on the casualty list of the next big accident after he left me smile I used to have stressy dreams where I'd be hitting him... left, right, left, right.. and he would stand there taking the punches and looking not in the least bit ruffled.

Yes, I didn't mean get him back!!! shock sorry.

Onetwo34 Fri 05-Jul-13 09:11:01

You could always turn to the other side? I know two women who did, one after domestic violence, one after just general fuckwittery.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Fri 05-Jul-13 09:20:54

Some of the recent media stories have filled me with disgust ..Rapes and disrespect of women in India and the UK grooming stories of children. But as Cogito says the majority of people are good and also hate will ruin your life if you push everyone away.
There are good people just you have been let down.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 09:32:10

'turn to the other side'.... you mean suddenly choose to be gay? hmm

buthow Fri 05-Jul-13 20:22:20

Onetwo34 other side? Which is the other side is CogitoErgoSometimes correct you mean gay? Lol too bad I have been meeting very wrong dudes but I'm straight, so the other side I will probably turn to is being a nun,

taintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin you see how women are treated by men you see, eish its so sad and so painful. And somehow truly hating them makes me feel better.

Oooops I almost hired some street kids to attack the stupid Sperm Donor and cut his balls so he won't be able to have anymore babies and that pain will be worth it. The thought satisfies ma heart I somehow smile when I think of him in tht kind of pain. I truly hope I will heal before I actually do something stupid to hurt him

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 07:47:57

It's kind of fun to fantasise about inflicting terrible pain on the person that has insulted you... but waste too long wallowing in thoughts of revenge and a perfectly good life can just slip through your fingers, all kinds of opportunities wasted.

pinkdelight Sat 06-Jul-13 08:09:34

It's good that you can step back enough to see how this is affecting you and see that it's the result of what's happened to you and the hurt you're feeling rather than a universal truth. Did you get any help to deal with your abortion? It sounds like you've still got a lot of pain to deal with there. Can you get some help now, to go through your feelings and ease the pain? I'm no counsellor, but it seems like you're giving men too much power in how you feel about yourself / the world. At some point you have to accept what has happened rather than stay consumed with the blaming and hate. That may seem like a long way off from how you're feeling right now but really you are incredibly strong and it's in your power - you already recognise that it's what needs to happen and that's massive. Maybe the answer lies in flipping it - turn all that energy wasted in hating men around and invest it in l

pinkdelight Sat 06-Jul-13 08:12:56

Sorry -

Invest it in loving yourself? You can't change men but you can change yourself. And then how you perceive everything, including men, will change.

Hope that makes some sense and doesn't sound too zen. It's really just a first step. Hopefully someone else will know some books that might help.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 08:57:58

It shows how deeply you have been hurt.

I hated my exH. It got me off to sleep at night thinking of various tortures I could inflict on him (not for the faint-hearted, gruesome).

Hatred can also be about powerlessness, really. Have you had any counselling about this? It might be an idea. If you take this hatred around with you for too long it will blot out your whole life. However, I'm a great believer that intense hatred is ok, appropriate, for a period of time - and imo you know when it's right to start finding ways to let it go. Because if you permanently hate, you are the loser.

buthow Sat 06-Jul-13 09:15:33

I haven't had counselling but really I know tht I might destroy myself in the process of hating someone jus tht it feels good. Any way its a good thing i don't see him often otherwise if I did I might have done something harmful to him already and that might result in me gng to prison or something.

Gosh I hate him so much I want him dead sometimes but you guys are making me realise truly that hatred will indeed destroy me and I'm so afraid that I will inflict this hatred I have for him on my child and he too will grow up hating his dad. I wonder how I fell for such a cruel man. (And every sunday he goes to church). He is wolf in a sheep skin

You guys have helped me at least not hate all men they are not all to blame for what this guy did to me but for now I will continue hating him. This is satanic hatred I have I'm now going to church and I will get help from a church councellor coz I know hatred is not Godly. I need to heal

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:25:24

The ex I fantasised about torturing was also a church goer. A more saintly man you couldn't wish to meet <boak> . That adds insult to injury. I wanted God to strike him down.

I am a believer and I'm delighted you're going to church to get healing - best place imo. Or going to God, that is. imo intense hatred can be a quest for justice. I think it's very important to be honest with God and not get guilty or sugar sweet about it. Its not as if God doesn't know exactly how you feel. Read the psalms about feelings of intense hatred - there's a lot in there you'll recognise! All part of being human imo. As long as it doesn't go on for too long iyswim - for your sake, that is.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:29:01

I know what you mean about 'satanic' hatred! I could have powered a space rocket with the hatred I felt for my ex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:32:41

Don't let them tell you hatred is ungodly... hmm As I recall the Old Testament is full of plenty of vengeful acts committed by the man upstairs. Floods, famines, pillars of salt and all the rest. He mellows a bit in Part II, I'll grant you...

It's also not 'satanic' because there's no such thing as satan, of course. What it is, however, is an unnecessary diversion. Like a lot of obsessions, the more time you waste dreaming up terrible punishment, the less time you have for taking up opportunities, living well and having fun.

If this hideous ex goes to church regularly then - like a lot of people that pray on their knees at the same time as preying on others - he's just a big fat hypocrite. If his god doesn't scare him into behaving decently, what chance would you have?

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:39:49

<cough> - matter of opinion, cogito.

It's not for us to debunk someone's religious beliefs I don't think. There's a rhyme and reason for them and that's between them and God (and the church, too).

You might try posting in religion, buthow.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:42:10

Debunking nothing. But if the OP is going around thinking that how she's feeling is 'satanic' then I don't think that's particularly healthy from a mental standpoint.

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 09:45:48

Then you know nothing about the philosophy behind such beliefs. As you know nothing, please don't make pronouncements you know nothing about. Contemporary mental health care is not the final authority, just one set of beliefs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Jul-13 09:50:12

I know enough about this to understand that once people in need of mental healthy assistance are thinking they are possessed by devils they are open to all kinds of abuse and exploitation by those claiming to be godly. FWIW I will 'pronounce' whatever I like, thank you very much

springytata Sat 06-Jul-13 10:04:23

You can say what is your opinion but not make pronouncements, no.

There is a big step between 'thinking they are possessed by devils' to 'being open to all kinds of abuse and exploitation' (also to 'by those claiming to be godly'). You don't believe, fine. Others do, for good reason. If you know those reasons - have studied those reasons thoroughly and understand thoroughly why those beliefs are in place - then do make 'pronouncements'. But otherwise, please understand that your beliefs are from a particular set of beliefs that are ignorant of another set of beliefs. There are horror stories from both sides.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 07:49:33

CogitoErgoSometimes you saying its ok to get angry and hate, u are right God got angry and destroyed a lot of people but I don't know if he hated them that's why he destroyed them?

There is a difference between anger and
hatred right? I feel I'm more hateful than angry. I think anger is allowed in church coz even Jesus got angry at the gamblers in the temple but hatred not so sure

springytata try a send me some scriptures in psalms but u r right let me post on religion and understand more about hatred and anger.

CogitoErgoSometimes and springytata both you guys have valid points one cnt argue with them so u dnt have to throw the balls let me go to religion will tell you what they say. But thank you and Cogito u have been there all the way really appreciate hey

Lweji Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 08:53:34

Why do you hate him this much?
Because he got you pregnant and then left?
Or was there something else?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 09:03:13

Never wishing to second-guess the motivation of a deity, I don't think the god of the Old Testament floods, fires and pestilence as an expression of love, do you? Rather than trying to work out what the church 'allows' (just another form of control) it might help you to think about the way you are feeling and how you could turn that into something constructive.

For example, you could use your experience to decide to help other female victims of male abuse. There are many women who have received brutal treatment at the hands of men and you could find that helping others channels your own feelings of anger in a positive way.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:47:03

Lweji will I be wrong if I hate him for just that. It damaged me inside. Seeing him in the choir every sunday singing and worshiping the Lord as if he is a saint jus sinks ma heart. He is a lead singer and wen he starts singing OMG you say here comes a true man of God.
Anyway that's not the only thing he did. I was dating him yes and we stayed for about 3weeks before having sex and when we finally did on that first day he slipped in without a condom so I kept trying to push him off sayin put on a condom and he wouldn't stop and began beating me(my legs slapping them really hard telling me to open them) I began crying then suddenly he stopped I thought he stopped coz he cared I was crying little did I know he had already released my vagina was normally wet I ddnt feel sperms . I left his house very angry and we never communicated till I discovered I was preg, wen I told him he said I was as good as a prostitude to him coz he gave me some mny (but long before we had sex) and that the mny he gave me was paying for my services. He said he couldn't have gotten me pregnant in one night, and that the child wasn't his. He sent me many nasty messages then He blocked me on his fon, moved to a different place jus like tht,
I only see him in church if I go I told our pastor about the issue but so far nothing has been done. I just wanted him to give me the benefit of the doubt. I hate him you might think its minor it happens to a lot of women but I just hate him. And I asked him to use protection that hurts more I trusted him. Maybe its because the pain is still fresh, I dnt know, I cnt abort again, its too painful, I really thought a man of God would be different but I gues I was wrong. I truly hate him with disgust.

Corigo I was actually thinking about that I want to talk about it and warn young girls who think they are inlove and hear the views of bruised women but a friend said if I do that I will be making young gals grow up not trusting men and somehow making them hate them and that could make them loose good men I jus don't know

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:00:54

You were raped OP. Good singers (because that's all he is) can be criminals. When are you going to report him to the police?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:06:13

BTW... if your pastor is aware that you were raped did he/she suggest you go to the police? If not, they would be irresponsible. Many rape survivors feel intense rage at the injustice of what happened to them and quite rightly so. It's an appalling crime. Many survivors also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is deeply unpleasant and ruins lives but which can be successfully helped with expert counselling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:10:12
JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:27:41

forgiveness is for you, not the one you forgive
you don't have to feel it, you just have to do it
you will get the strength and peace that goes with forgiving
reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same; you don't need to like or understand the person
you are forgiving FOR YOURSELF, not for them
<3

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:33:58

How can there be forgiveness when there is no justice? The OP has been brutally raped, made pregnant, told she is a whore, let down by her pastor and her rapist, rather than being led away in hand-cuffs, is trilling away every Sunday pretending butter wouldn't melt in his evil mouth. Rather than berating herself for hating all men or thinking she has to forgive she should seek justice. Personally I wouldn't blame her if she took this man down with a deer rifle...

JuliaScurr Sun 07-Jul-13 13:55:24

fair enough Cogito
the spiritual aspects of forgiveness are a different thing from the need for justice
op should have both, but she can be free of some of the pain by forgiving whether she gets justice or not

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:58:02

But you agree that she should seek justice and get this man investigated by the police? And that she should urgently seek proper counselling... not some chat with a clueless pastor... for the aftershocks of violent trauma?

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:12:37

OP, this man has raped you. No wonder you are full of rage. If your pastor will not take what has happened to you seriously, then I really think you should try and find a more supportive church.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 14:14:03

Perhaps reporting the attack to the police might help you to feel less hatred towards this excuse of a man.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 15:12:34

RAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying open your legs stop tightening me I wnt get you pregnant I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked and he said did he tie your hands and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tiedRAPE: I was kissing him back the situation got nasty at the condom stage meaning if he had put on the condom we could have had a good time.... I was a willing party just that he wouldn't put on the condom. Is that rape??? Yah he was slaping my legs hard saying 'open your legs stop tightening me, I wnt get you pregnant' I got abt 3 slaps and each time I would say stop slapping me he would go sorry but open yo legs and I began crying he touched ma face felt tears then stopped,, so was I raped that way? Was I raped?? Can I open a case so late I'm 3months pregnant now and yes I told my pastor that he wouldn't put on a condom when I asked him and pastor said 'did he tie your hands' and I said no then he said if you had wanted a condom he would have put it coz your hands were not tied and this is your body so I thought maybe I wasn't firm enough. I never thought I could have a case against rape... He actually forced me to have sex with no condom thus rape right.. Lord Lord...but isn't it too late??

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:13:00

I also think that, if the police were to lead this man away in handcuffs, the OP would feel far more confident when it comes to other abusive men that there were some consequences to their behaviour. When you feel that you are alone with your anger, no-one's taking your pain seriously and all you see around you are other women being similarly attacked and abused... with no-one brought to justice or punished.... no wonder you are consumed by hate. It's the last refuge of the powerless.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:35

Yes, you can still go to the police. And yes, that was rape, hands tied or not. That pastor is foul. angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:23:37

You weren't a willing party to sex with this man, you said no very clearly, and he continued against your will. That alone is rape. In addition, he physically assaulted you making it a violent rape. In addition, he had unprotected sex with you against your will putting you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases as well as impregnating you. It's a very serious crime indeed and of course OP you can report it to the police now. It's not too late. It's never too late

If your pastor thinks it was your fault the only way a woman can be raped is if her hands are tied he is as bad as your rapist. No means no and I'm appalled that you've been given such horrendously bad counsel. He should hang his head in shame.

I posted a link to the Rape Crisis line earlier. Please give them a call, describe what happened to you and let them give you proper advice. It is so important that it goes on record that this man is a violent sexual offender and that he is properly investigated. I'm sorry this happened to you. I truly am.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 15:35:11

0808 802 9999

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 16:32:53

And please find a new church, your pastors attitude is quite frankly disgraceful. Is your church part of an established group of church's, because if it is you could also report your pastors attitude to a higher authority. And yes what happened to you is rape, you did not consent to unprotected sex but this man forced you. I am so sorry you are going through this, please be kind to yourself.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:21:30

Thankyou I saw the rape lines you gave me I will advice you on how it went as soon as I get legal advice yoh.... Sometimes you only realise that something nasty happened to you when you speak I have never told anyone else how the sex event went by only the pastor when he asked if my hands were tied

Thankyou somuch

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:22:35

So I dnt know his new address I will lead them to the church coz that's were he I'd found right?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Jul-13 17:30:39

Yes, the church should be able to let the police know his contact details.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 17:40:23

You are a brave and courageous woman. Do give rape crisis a ring I'm sure they will be able to give you both support and sound advice.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 21:14:26

Your pastor sounds like he indulges in a bit of sex offending himself

Please speak to some real professionals that don't have an agenda

This man sexually assaulted you. No wonder you hate him...I hate him too.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 21:43:25

Interestingly, no one has yet suggested to look beyond the surface when considering those 'ugly' and 'horrible' men you talk about. And sll those 'atrocities' they do.

Have you ever considered that all these men are a product of their environment and upbringing? Have you ever thought of their misery as children, affects of the dysfunctional families so many of them come from? Have you thought of a relationship that boy who you will become a villain, had with his mother? Was she caring of him? Was she loving? Was she supporting him to be the best he can be. Chances are very high she wasn't. A child is born into this world pure and innocent. His environment, and first of all his parents, carers and siblings shape him the way he will later be. Then school, failure or success and undoubtedly, genetic predisposition.

Now tell me, if you were coming from such a dysfunctional home and environment with genetic predisposition towards violence, smoking, drinking, dependency of any sort (these are all genetically predisposed conditions), where you saw lots of domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, poor treatment of women, etc will you become a kind, loving, successful and wonderful in all respects man? You wouldn't.

So here's the answer: for a man to override the traumas, abuse and just unkind treatment he's subjected to as a child, and the pull genetic predisposition exerts on him, he must have pretty damn strong character and will. Not all men posses this. To change yourself is the hardest thing of all.

We've all been damped by our bfs once or twice, but a healthy response to damping is different from yours. Maybe you should investigate the reasons for that response and try to change yourself.
Then you will know first hand how easy it is.

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 21:53:06

I guess all I was saying was it's easy to judge and label. To understand is hard. But if you try and succeed, this will be your cure. Understanding is part of forgiveness; forgiveness brings peace and clears away hatred.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 22:02:13

Ebullient, I am struggling to understand why you posted that on this thread

In order to demonstrate our "understanding" of what makes a man become abusive, we have to make excuses for it, to find a way to live with it, to "get past" it and heal that hurt little boy ?

You realise you are describing a damaging co-dependent relationship, don't you ?

Anybody that is damaged by their upbringing has a personal responsibility to not perpetuate the cycle. Another person cannot "save" you from it. You have to save yourself. Excusing, minimising and extending "understanding" seeks only to damage further generations.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:05:15

Rapists are violent sexual criminals that target women and that's all the understanding these evil bastards deserve. I don't give a flying fart whether they've had a tough childhood and they're weak-willed .... they should be off the streets and behind bars where they can't harm women ever again. This one uses his 'godly' image to lure in women and assault them. Bet it's not the first time...

Ebullient Sun 07-Jul-13 22:21:55

PoundlandClareRayner,

I understand what you're saying.

"Excusing, minimising and extending "understanding" seeks only to damage further generations" - understanding is the key if we seek relief from hatred. This was the initial request, wasn't it?

Understanding is not the same as putting up with destructive behaviour and consequences for the society of those incapable to take 'personal responsibility'. To attempt to resolve it, a lot of help needs to be given to young girls who are to become mothers to have a better chance of bringing up society-beneficial children. Many other things are necessary such as functioning court system, access to education and jobs.

Lweji Portugal Sun 07-Jul-13 22:24:12

Do you hate this man or that nothing got done and he hasn't been punished?

In truth, I don't hate exH, although he has been very nasty to me.
I just want him to leave me alone.

Your wish that this man is punished is well justified, meaning that it stems from a sense of justice, not hate as such.

I really urge you to report him. I think it may give you some peace, even if he gets away.
It may help prevent him from raping other women.

And I'd think very carefully about staying in a congregation that protects men such as these.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 22:26:36

"help needs to be given to young girls who are to become mothers to have a better chance of bringing up society-beneficial children."

And now it's women's fault that men are sexually violent offenders?.... I think you should stop digging that hole now.

PoundlandClareRayner Sun 07-Jul-13 23:32:48

Ebullient, just mothers is it that are responsible for the upbringing of their children ?

How about educating young men not to rape?

Could that work, or is it not their fault ?

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