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Dp gone cold on me because my de was upset

(56 Posts)
CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:38:07

We have been together 3 months, everything going well and we are quite serious about each other He is the first partner I have ever introduced to ds who is 6 but he is having a hard time coming to terms as he has never seen me with a boyfriend before, tonight ds was quite clingy and emotional, after he went to bed dp was acting odd, cold and distant, when I questioned him he said it was because he was worried about ds being upset, I'm pissed off because I don't need him going all cold on me I need him to be understanding and supportive How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to be pissed off with him?

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:39:45

Sorry for lack of paragraphs I'm on phone in bed. Pissed off

ecuse Wed 03-Jul-13 00:42:51

Are you sure he's not just worried and upset like he says he is?

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:43:58

Dp has 3 kids of his own so I'm shocked he wasn't more understanding

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:44:49

Why go cold on me though? It feels like he was sulking

Bant Wed 03-Jul-13 00:44:52

He may be thinking that you're going to dump him because your DS doesn't like him.

Getting involved with a woman with children has it's own pitfalls and joys, maybe he was assuming that things would be great, or at least okay. He's probably been thinking about The Introduction for 3 months, and now it's happened and obviously DS isn't happy. He's going to be thrown by that.

Talk about it - tell him that wasn't what you hoped, but can the two of you work out how to get DS happier between you?

I know you need him to be understanding and supportive - but probably so does he. So do it to each other.

McBalls Wed 03-Jul-13 00:45:19

Sounds like he was feeling pensive, not an unreasonable reaction to the idea that his presence was causing a 6yo to be upset.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:45:45

And why not just talk to me if he was worried why start acting odd

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 00:48:53

Talk to him.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:50:14

Doesn't know what to say to me

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:51:32

I tried to talk to him, he said he doesn't know what to say

McBalls Wed 03-Jul-13 00:53:12

Well you're only 3 months in, you're still finding out who he is. And this is who he is...someone who goes cold when stressed/upset/defensive/ uncomfortable/tired -delete as appropriate.
I know you think you know him but you don't fully, and maybe his way of dealing with things doesn't sit comfortably with you.
Maybe pull back on the meeting kids stuff? Go back to getting to know each other properly.

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 00:53:54

When did you actually introduce them.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 01:03:13

I introduced them about a month ago, I have had my concerns that it was to early but this is all new to me I've not been in a relationship for a long time

Ds has been fine until this week, his dad was supposed to have him for the weekend but let him down and he has been upset ever since, Dp going cold on me has added to my stress and I'm not dealing with it very well

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 01:03:41

How much does he see his own children? If he spends a lot of time with them then I would think think he is genuine in what he has said to you but if he doesn't see his kids much then maybe hes not really interested in being in a relationship where there are problems with the child liking him. Three months is a very short time to be in a relationship and you are still getting to know each other and have been in the early stage where you are on your best behaviour. Maybe you are starting to see the real him and after tonight he might be seeing the real you.

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 01:06:01

But whatever you feel at the moment if I were you I would just say nothing and leave him to contact you when he is ready.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 01:09:32

He sees his children ever week end they have met 3 or 4 of his previous girlfriends and been introduced to them quite early, I've always been a bit hmm about this, I knew I should have waited a bit longer before I let my ds meet him

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 01:10:57

He is staying the night and is asleep right now

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 01:13:14

Last week we had a row because I tried to talk to him about my concerns with ds and told him I though t I had introduced him to soon, he thought I was trying to break up with him and sulked for a week

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 01:21:24

O well if he sulked and if hes still there with you tonight then things don't look too bad then do they smile. What about not questioning him and just trying to be a bit more relaxed and laid back about things for now and take it a bit slower.

wannaBe Wed 03-Jul-13 01:42:04

Ok firstly any relationship that involves children is an absolute minefield, because there are so many variables that there is no one rule fits all approach.

But, even if you do have children getting involved with someone else who also has them brings with it its own issues and concerns.

You said that you were concerned about your ds last week , why was this? Could it be that you’re projecting your own concerns about your ds on to your ds which in turn is making him anxious which in turn is leaving your dp feeling rejected? Remember he has come into your life and is basically the one who has to gain acceptance. And non acceptance by your ds could well spell the end of the relationship. You say he has had several previous girlfriends,, what happened with those relationships? Could it have something to do with their children perhaps hence his current anxiety?

The only way to move forward in relationships is through communication. But different people deal with situations differently, and the only way you can get past that is to talk about them. He may not sulk ordinarily, but it may be that past experience has led to his being cold when reacting to certain situations, but you can only establish that by talking to him and reassuring him if necessary. And he is not wrong to want some reassurance if it appears your ds isn’t happy with him being in the background. Who would be? It’s often the one area in a relationship where the incoming partner is powerless to influence anything because essentially, the children hold the keys to the future if they decide they don’t like him.

hesterton Wed 03-Jul-13 05:56:28

He sulked for a week? Honestly, I would show him the door now. That kind of behaviour after only 3 months together doesn't bode well. Manchild. At least it was a comparatively short time before he showed you his true colours...

tribpot Wed 03-Jul-13 06:31:25

The sulking seems like a fairly common reaction for him. Coupled with saying he 'doesn't know what to say' it sounds like (at best) he is somewhat immature about managing relationships and (at worst) like he is testing you to see how much you'll put up with and still be prepared to pander to his ego.

I agree with hesterton, this sounds like hard work. He sounds very needy and I'm not sure you have the bandwidth for this.

Hissy Wed 03-Jul-13 07:59:57

You introduced your BOYFRIEND after 8 weeks?

He's staying over at 3 months?

He's sulking? Unsupportive?

1: you have been ridiculously naïve. Reckless even.

2: he's not a good man, you didn't know this when you introduced him to your child, but now you're seeing it. You now stop this ridiculous situation. NOW.

I was going to say 'No more sleepovers for at least another 3-4 months.' but that only applies if that person IS actually worth it, I don't think your boyfriend is.

Tbh, you need to bin him. He's a turd that'll never polish into anything. If he stops talking, goes cold, he's trying to manipulate you.

He's like this now? It will only get worse .

The only chance you have of regaining power here is to make your son the priority, state clearly that you won't tolerate silent/cold treatment for any reason and perhaps he needs to go off and consider what he wants, because you and your son deserve someone that is understanding and supportive.

Why is this bloke on his own? What is his relationship like with his Ex?

Fenton Wed 03-Jul-13 08:03:32

He sounds too much like hard work at such an early stage.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 08:09:31

Completely agree with Hissy. The sulking is a red flag.

Sounds like you know you tried to assimilate him into your DS's life far too soon - and these are the consequences.

Maybe your DS's instincts are also making him feel uncomfortable about this man being in your lives.

Please dump him. It'll get worse.

MalcolmTuckersMum Wed 03-Jul-13 08:10:03

100% what Hissy said. Also - I'm struck by "*they have met 3 or 4 of his previous girlfriends and been introduced to them quite early*". How many relationships is this guy going through and more importantly - WHY? Something wrong here - impossible to say what but all your alarm bells should be ringing and ringing very loudly!

ratbagcatbag Wed 03-Jul-13 08:12:54

Hmmm, the fact that his kids have met three to four ex girlfriends and the there is the mother of his children means you are relationship number five or six!?!? That seems a lot unless his kids are in their twenties.

Get rid of him, he wants you to pander to him.

LIZS Wed 03-Jul-13 08:15:54

Sounds like he doesn't want to compete for your attention. I don't think it matters whether it was too soon , they simply aren't going to get along if he behaves like this and resentment on both sides will build up. Perhaps better to know this sooner than later.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 08:47:14

I think I blew things out of proportion last night and it was all because he didn't initiate sex when we went to bed, I took it as rejection, when actually he was still being very loving and affectionate, but in my head I saw it as cold and distant, I have a phobia of rejection and I don't really deal with relationships very well, he is not a good communicator and buries his head in the sand, we agree that we have moved to fast and it's time to take a step back. He is not a bad person and i need to chill out a bit as I do thing I am projecting my stresses on ds

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 08:51:37

Your son has been let down by his father and the home he has shared with just him and his mother has now been invaded by some man. His current behaviour in the light of the above circumstances, is not only to be expected but understandable.

As for not knowing when to introduce your son to your new man, you could have looked through Mumsnet or posted the question yourself, you didn't know is at best naive blush or at worst, a lie angry. Any man, including the current one, should earn the honour of meeting your son and not have it bestowed without thought. One of the reasons you should wait at least six months, preferably longer, to introduce new partners to children is that it give you the opportunity to get to know the person and for their best behaviour (we all project when in new relationships) to wear off.

Your DS is acting out because he is upset and confused and articulating that in words at his age is very difficult, if not impossible. Your new man is acting out because a) he is confused or upset or b) a dick, either way articulating that in words at his age is a prerequisite of him being in a relationship with you.

You need to stop the sleepovers and conduct your relationship with this man away from your son. New man needs to start expressing himself verbally (you are not a mind reader) or go, life is too short and your son too important for this nonsense.

New relationships when you are a LP take longer to establish and are difficult because you have to factor in the sometimes conflicting needs and wants of children.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 08:55:14

Thankyou for the advice, im not going to bin him as i do think he us worth the effort, looking back to last night I was being very childish, he didn't do anything wrong othenouns I thinking he was genuinely worried about my ds

Wannabe your advice was stop on

CinnabarRed Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:04

So suddenly it's all your fault? WTF?

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:02:54

You have translated not initiating sex as cold and distant because you have a rejection phobia. However, you couldn't understand your sons understandable change in behaviour considering the circumstances confused.

You are not ready for a relationship and your son is definitely not ready for any relationship that you are in. Go see a counsellor and work through your issues because its not fair to expose your son to this.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:04:01

And yep I am a massive cock for introducing him to ds too early

Ashoething Wed 03-Jul-13 09:04:18

You introduced your new boyfriend to your ds after a mere 2 months and allow him to sleep overshock No wonder your ds is having emotional problems. Sounds like his father is not the only parent who is letting him down.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:07:24

Not sure were I said I didn't understand my ds being upset, of course I understand

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 03-Jul-13 09:10:42

He's not a dp, he's a boyfriend.

Also, I'm bit worried you've decided it's all your fault. Anyone who responds to a situation by sulking, is far from blameless.

I would be thinking very carefully about this situation OP.

And please, please do not stay with him just because it is hard to meet someone decent. You and your ds are worth more.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 09:13:59

Don't put him before your DS.

Your DS would benefit from you slowing this down and stopping the sleepovers for a good few months.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:18:58

The problem OP is that your phobia will either turn any perceived slight into a massive drama and create an atmosphere (hence your OP) or drive you clinging to the ankles of this man (leaving you and your son susceptible to abuse), a situation that is not healthy for any of you.

STEP BACK! I'm not saying break up with him (cos you won't) but you're not ready and you rushing and exposing your son to this. is evidence that mentally you are not where you need to be.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:24:48

Isetan you are right and I am stepping back

I've been an idiot and made a very bad error, I'm trying to rectify this, I've been single for a l

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:25:21

Oh ffs can't type on this stoopid phone

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:26:28

I've been single for a long time, I got carried away and swept up in meeting someone who I actually like for the first time in years

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:28:28

Considering your rejection issues and being a LP, why are you rushing this?

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:42

This is a good example of why you shouldn't introduce so early. You dont even know the person. But I guess you won't accept that. Next time put your child first.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:34:32

I'm worried you saying you are stepping back in reality means keeping your mouth shut, cos that isn't stepping back.

What does stepping back mean to you? Can you articulate it, is there a plan?

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:37:32

Is nobody reading my posts were I have accepted I've made an error and will be stepping back? Or does it makes you feel big a clever to still post how bad a parent I am? hmm

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:39:19

Stepping back: no more staying over while ds is here, back to basic dating and getting to know each other

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:44:27

Ds was not ment to be here last night, he was staying at my parents house because me and bf had been to the cinema, but he was upset and wanted to come home hence him being here while bf stayed it wasn't a good situation and I've handled this very badly, I'm going now because I came for advice to to be made to feel like shit because I already feel bad enough

Should have know though, I've been on mn for 7 years and this is the reason I don't post anymore

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 03-Jul-13 09:56:41

If you want to go that's fine, but take care of your son first and foremost, he's been upset because his father couldn't see him- thats horrible for a child to deal with.

People are being honest, not nasty.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:00:30

You have acknowledged it was a mistake but do you understand why it was a mistake? I understand why you are going on the defensive, no one likes being called out on their flawed actions. In the 6 years I have been a parent I have made 100s of parental errors and I'm definitely gonna make a whole lot more. For me part of the acknowledgement process is understanding why and what it is about me or my situation which let to it.

We all have weak spots, those areas of our beings where the fault lines run very deep and which leave us vulnerable. One of my weak spots is my upbringing (abusive mum, absent dad). Consciously, I'm over it moved on a looong time ago, subconsciously, it kept me in a ill-fated relationship for far too long because I went looking for parental approval and affection in the arms of someone who had his own issues and inadequacies.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:18:54

Overlapping posts, but anyway, you explanation of stepping back sounds very sensible. We, well I'm not, trying to get at you but I want you to be more critical/ analytical of your choices. You have been a MN member for a long time which means you knew it was a bad idea to introduce so soon, so what was it that you told yourself that made it OK on this occasion? Your rejection phobia came from somewhere, the fault line that produced this phobia leaves you vulnerable. Invest in yourself, your son and the current/ future relationships by investigating it not ignoring it.

Hissy Wed 03-Jul-13 11:45:15

Step back. Good idea.

See what his reaction is.

If it's anything less than totally 100% understanding, bin him.

Don't allow your feelings to get in thé way here.

You are not a bad parent. Really. Your instincts where your ds is concerned are bang on.

The problem is, that your boyfriend DOES sulk, when a normal bloke would completely understand, and willingly back off a bit, to make sure your family unit was all cool with everything.

You should have cancelled the sleep over when your DS plans were blown out.

For one it shows that it's not right to rub the relationship in your young DS face, also if the relationship is going to be strong enough to be long term, what's one night in the scheme of things.

I am worried that you seem so vulnerable wrt relationships atm, was your last relationship abusive? If so, your revelation that this is the first bloke you 'click' with in years is more worrying, as you'll be clicking with a familiarity, which is potentially dangerous.

Be smart here. The last thing you want is to teach your DS that women are 2 a penny, and that's what your boyfriend seems to think they are.

Make him work for it!

tribpot Wed 03-Jul-13 14:08:40

Sulking for a week is not your fault, OP.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 16:48:39

Good idea OP. Stepping back is a very sensible reaction.

MollyMollyMolly Thu 04-Jul-13 08:54:01

Hi OP. Hope your ok. Lots of good advice . I think he didn't initiate sex because he felt bad and uncomfortable. He was very affectionate and loving towards you though which is a good thing. Like you said, step back a bit and just do some dating with him. If he's worth it and interested then he will be happy with it. grin

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