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Dating thread 58 everyone welcome(1000 Posts)
1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop
8. loo update is mandatory
<splutters cereal at squirrel>
Wine, enjoy the copper.
Title vicariously for you.
All is well.
Well I am still waiting
not very patiently for FriendofFriend to come back from his holidays for our 2nd date .. He only went on Friday so it's a bit of a wait .. Had a wee nosey on POF but no one is tempting me out of hiding
Hey new thread :-)
Yay to rafaella and title and oww again and anyone I've missed sorry
Hope 55 ok?
Thanks for asking kin, not really, but have now deleted the ex on fb that was causing me pain. Liked a post of his in weakness last night, can't stand seeing him rebuild his social life - although am happy for him.. Need to move on. Right, right?
Chin up ... Sorry to cast woe on happy thread
New completely understand, I speak as a woman who saw my ex's new work photo online and went into meltdown because he looked happy. Moving on is hard but ultimately will make you feel better, it just takes time, I'm still working on it 12 months later.
Nothing from him yet.
Feel quite sad actually. He was lovely to me and I don't get it.
Might send him a text at the end of the week saying ok fine you don't want a repeat.
55, I'm really sorry he hasn't come through for you yet. I know the perceived wisdom is not to text, because you risk feeling crap if you do, but I think there is also something to be said for doing what you feel you have to. Just think about the possible outcomes either way.
I am sorry 55 Its ok to feel a bit sad. Its tough.
Try to put it behind you. He is not worth the headspace.
I already texted him yesterday nicely. Oh well.
The problem is we've both just been dumped. Him most recently. He hates being single and hasn't been single since his early 20's. I thought that meant he would want to see me again.
The hell of it is just as I start to like him he does a vanishing act.
and more This is so silly but lovely. Really enjoying it - it feels like proper going out with someone rather than OD and it's great. Nothing arranged to see each other again but I know we will.
Sorry New, it's really tough. Deleting him is an excellent idea.
Sorry 55 as well. No point texting later in the week, really, just move on with your head held high. It would probably make you feel worse if you texted and he still didn't reply.
Nora resisting making nut jokes but blimey that is not an alluring image. Maybe he's turning over a new leaf though in anticipation of your visit?
55 hopefully he will at least reply ( unless you just stated it as a fact that it wasn't going to happen)
Thanks for the support.
Not worth the headspace is so right but so hard.
I know it isn't right, we tried, but love and connection is a damn thing and isn't always enough.
55 that's rotten. I hate silence, so impolite. But... Think of it maybe as a lucky escape? If he is not nice enough t reply to you - or to be I touch and be straigh up in the first place, do you really want that in your life? Always wondering, never knowing, anxiety building and building. No. No one deserves that. Big unmumsnetty hug.
Hey lovelies. Just wanted to let you know that I'm off to meet the Mayor of Red Flagsville (christened thus with Bant's help ) today. A snatched couple of hours squeezed into a midweek day when the DC are at school. Not my usual style AT ALL (previous dates have involved darkness, alcohol, lack of curfew, etc.) but this is what we came up with. Eeeeeeek.
I will be back later to update you on the juxtaposition between a random rainy reality-ridden Tuesday and the utter heady madness of our build-up.
55 Its hard but he just wasn't up to your standards.
Oh Round Exciting or wet blanket
Look forward to update.
It's bringing my misery back over my ex.
Not once have I ever in my life had a guy I can count on to be decent and make me a priority.
I keep picking the same guys. This one didn't really try to impress me at all.
Broken you didn't "pick" him, you've been on two dates with the guy, you have not invested sufficient time and energy in him to feel that this is a judgement on yourself. It's fine to feel a bit sad and bit pissed off, but I second the advice to move on with your head up.
He's possibly in a bad place, or he's just a tosser, or he just took a different interpretation of the night than you. You don't want to be with someone just because they hate being single. To be honest, for me it was a bit of a red flag when you said he kept talking about being "old fashioned" - men like that can get very judgey when someone doesn't take their dating mores straight from Jane Austen
even if they benefit from it.
Did I say he was old fashioned? That might have been my ex I meant. I don't remember this one saying that.
55, sorry you sound so down about this guy, but you didn't really know him well. The way to avoid this is, unfortunately, to not sleep with someone, until you get to know them. Boring, I know but better to protect yourself if it's going to get you down.
OWW and all you other loved up people. It truly gladdens my heart to read such stuff. Maybe, just maybe there is hope for me .
I'm just annoyed at myself really. I knew I shouldnt be sleeping with someone so quickly. Especially as he was growing on me.
Broken, really, don't worry about it or get annoyed with yourself. There are plenty of other men out there who honestly will be pleased to treat you properly and with respect and affection. This guy just wasn't the one for you. It's nothing at all to do with you, and everything to do with him. I know that can be a bit hard to believe, but it's the truth. If he doesn't get in contact, it's not because of something you did/didn't do or say, it's because of his own particular issues and state of mind.
I decided that I personally wasn't comfortable with sleeping with people early on before I felt a proper emotional connection (after I had done precisely that and ended up not feeling too great about it. It didn't kybosh things with the man but I just didn't feel like it was the right thing for me to do as although physically it was fantastic, emotionally I felt a bit blah and empty about it all). That's something to learn about yourself, and again nothing to be annoyed with yourself about.
Don't let this put you off - learn what there is to be learned from it and move lightly on.
More breaking news, just had a text from Talent Show, he's been signed off sick this morning so this weekend's off.
I can't be doing with another unreliable man.
Told you, no bull - squirrel.
broken - I think the problem is you may have come across as vulnerable and shy on the dates, and some men may take advantage of that.
There will be blokes out there who just want to have their own fun, and they can be charming and sensitive up to the point where they don't respond to your texts.
Not all of us are like that of course, and there aren't many red flags for that kind of behaviour - they just.. vanish.. It's happened to a lot of people, you shouldn't feel bad for being optimistic about someone. He's the fool, not you.
Copper is not a Copper but a PCSO. Verrrrry nice though. No weddding ring. Irritatingly they've changed the order so I can't gaze at him from the gallery as I need to be with my client. Baws.
Though his name will probs be in press so there is the potential for seeking out if one wishes
Oh Nora that is a load of rubbish from SquirrelNutkin. Has he suggested rearranging for the weekend after?
Wine perhaps you will see him coming out and then you can flash your lily-white wrists and he will be yours for eternity. Or something.
Here was I thinking it was my fault because I was too reserved in bed and wouldn't blow him. he asked me why I was so shy. umm usually am first time with a new partner.
Sighs. I started thinking he was cute over dinner and liked his smile etc. Shouldn't have gone home should have made him wait.
WEre both just out of relationships so both a bit fucked up.
I wouldn't mind some more of the glorious sex though ;-) It was very good.
Fwiw, it seems that I've been strung along for x number of years by someone who I evidently meant jack too. It was a mixture of things that kept me hooked which I won't go into and deep down I knew but didn't want those things to stop. I might be wrong about meaning nothing but need to convince myself of this to move on, I can do it as I convinced my self the opposite was true to continue.
On the up side my diary is getting full and as long as I pen stuff in for the weekends I should be OK.
Did you meet up with him again then Scrazy? Sometimes people can be really bad for us but we still go back for more because there's good, and hope of better "one day", mixed in with all the crap.
Keeping busy is a great strategy. Have you got a date with the other bloke penned in maybe?
Hope you're doing okay. You sound strong and sorted, but it's not easy.
No, I don't want to meet up for a while, I'm feeling OK and just think it's best to let it go.
I've decided I'm off men for a while and don't want a relationship anyway .
Broken, this 'he asked me why I was so shy.' makes him sound like an insensitive, ignorant arse
What Mercury said, he may be fucked up having just come out a relationship, but he's also quite possibly a fucker. I would be outraged if anyone demanded something first time and most people understand there's a learning curve.
That said, as many people on this thread have said, sexual compatibility is important.
Please don't talk about making him wait. It's about you taking what you want from situations and understanding what boundaries protect you.
How can you tell sexual compatibility from one shag?
In every single relationship I have ever been in the sex has been not great the first few times and gets better and better with time. You cannot judge from one shag.
No I don't think you can completely but I think you can tell massive incompatibility. There are definitely a few things someone could do or not do and I'd know it wasn't going to work. And "not working" might well include because he's a dick and has unrealistic needs and demands. So again, his loss.
And my comment was a bit more generalist than trying to work out what happened between the two of you at the weekend. I think having needs is fine (eg very confident partner) but I also feel this is a minefield as porn has destroyed some men's perceptions. In general I think people can make a legitimate decision not to see someone again for all sorts of reasons, including the sex not floating their boat (esp if looking for FWB). The key is not to be a dick about it.
Omg!! I was just having a nosey on POF and spotted cougar_catcher .. I wonder if his pics are real .. I am tempted to come out of hiding and see if he is free to be scrubbed and sent to my tent on Saturday ??
(Told you I'm not doing a good job of waiting for FriendofFriend to come back!!)
He has changed his name and taken out the part about looking for an older woman and the confession that he is really 30 .. Shame!
And his location has changed from Glasgow to Dublin!!??
Agree with Stranger and Mercury here. Yes, sex can and does get better as you get to know each other, but if something is wrong in terms of attitude or if preferences are a long way apart it will become apparent very quickly.
The thing about him asking why you are so shy, it's difficult to tell whether that's a bad thing without context/tone. If it was him asking out of concern or to reassure you that you were in a safe and secure place and there was no need to be shy, that's one thing. If he was asking to put pressure on you to be less "shy" and give him a BJ, then that's something else altogether. And it also depends on how he asked - if you were both asking each other what you like in bed, and he mentioned that he liked BJs, again that's one thing, but if it was just him saying that was what he wanted you to do, then that's another. But there are things here that should possibly be red flags for you Broken, but only you will know how these things were in reality.
Lovely lovely e-mails from Alpha today. I think he has got it bad .
55 Hands up in RL I am a jumper into bed on the first night, but never go down, for me far too intimate for a first night.
Even Mr Fucked up, my only sexual partner from OD, who I slept with on date 3 didn't expect it. I actually never went there with him, just had a niggle that he was a charmer
cunt so undeserving.
Please don't beat yourself up about this.
Kin yep sounds like a squirrel. Shame.
Re the sex and BJ etc. I usually tell a guy I am quite shy at the beginning but not when I get comfortable with them, which to some extent is true. It certainly keeps their interest. I wouldn't let anyone pressure me into doing something I don't feel ready to in bed.
The first time to me is best done
hammered with a little alcohol to break down inhibitions and it's just a fact finding exercise .
just signed up to POF and am a bit shocked at how "fast paced" it is compared to match? more people?
seem some nice guys on there - lots of firefighters bizarrely??? (this is not a specific fetish of mine, just a random observation)
anyone got any site specific tips for POF?
crikey some of the people there are a bit "gangsta"
He's just sent me a text saying that I'm 'astonishingly understanding' - oh well done me !
Thing is, I don't want to be understanding, I'm sick to the back teeth of having to be understanding and reasonable, I want to turn round to him and ask why if he's feeling that bad, he sent me an email last night asking me to come up this weekend ? Why ?
He's a fricking clone of bastarding Spud is what he is and I'm an idiot for continually attracting and humouring that kind of man.
Thoroughly pissed off, and on the sofa for the foreseeable.
Kin, the only way to deal with this type is to say. Contact me if you are in my area, then cut off. That's what I would do.
you're not an idiot! you gave him a opportunity -which is good because IMO being "open until proved otherwise" is a very sound policy, he
fucked up hasn't capitalised on it, now you'll set a boundary - i second scrazy s suggestion
ps sofa is comfortable!
Thanks Lorna and Scrazy, I shan't be travelling anywhere to see him, he's had his chance. I just weary of all the bloody navel-gazing, flaky, 'man cave' shite and to think, I was actually worried that I might fall for this one.
So blooming disappointing Nora. Is he actually ill ill, or is it just a cold type thing? Can't understand why he asked you yesterday then cancelled today unless it's come on very suddenly. Send the e-mail and see what he says, the bloody squirrelly flako.
Oh dear kin A rodent!
No, it's depression or at least some kind of depressive illness from what he said so I can't really be sarky with him, it'd be unkind, hence me having a rant on here.
Oh, sorry OWW I assume that's why the sudden change of heart, the doctor has told him to get some 'head rest'.
I'm just getting flashbacks to this time last year and Spud having a meltdown less than two weeks before we were due to go to New York.
Hello new thread, just place marking for now and hope to catch up with you all later in the week
Oh Kin ... shit, fuck, buggerit and the rest.
<hugs> <squeezes hand> and <hands >
I think lorna may be right, the sofa is a bloody good place to be at the moment, except for those lovely loved-up thread-members who remind us why we go through this shite.
Thank goodness for the lovely lot of you
Thanks Joy, I'm alright, just wish occasionally things could be easy.
I'm still all excited about this w/e. I'm planning on cooking a nice meal for him so been menu planning... Also planning on getting some of the 'good' wine out. Hope he appreciates the effort I'm going to!
My dating experiences are simply going from bad to worse. After Mr COPD who cut off his finger did a disappearing act whilst I was having angst over how to extricate myself, there have been the usual crop of space wasters till I discovered that friend-of-friend (actually ex-of-ex) now has an FWB arrangement with someone who I met OD but decided was a sweetie shop kinda guy. He's giving her the pursuing and wanting to be serious thing whilst being active on other dating sites too ... She's nice, I like her and he's an arse
I even had some twerp try the "I can't do rubber" conversation with me before he's even met me. Grrrrr ...
Budge up on that sofa my lovelies
ha ha yeah sofa is comfy, although i'm still gonna "put out online tentacles" so that i can hopefully get a connection to pursue later on...
Actual COPD Joy ? ( he'd have been worrying breathless during sexy time anyway )
Yup Kin ... hence my desire to find a way out, only to feel put out when he did the disappearing thing. He is
not dead still signing onto the site so am being unreasonable which I hate having to admit to. Sadly I know about COPD, my big love (yes, I know, utterly vomit-inducing) had it although it was cancer that killed him.
I sympathize JF, the overwhelming majority of my dating experiences were in the bad to worse section of the scale
I'm wondering if the very act of participating in online dating brings out the worst in men
(cant comment on women having not been on the receiving end of their dating endeavors)
Well, I'm back from my date with the Mayor of Redflagsville.
Surprisingly lovely Logistics dictated a couple of snatched daytime hours in a random town neither of us know (half way between both of us). We ended up wondering to the top of an old castle, talking a lot and kissing a bit. Much nicer than I could possibly have imagined, especially since a big part of me thought he was so weird he must not be real. He very is.
No talk from either of us about what happens next, though. And I'm everso slightly puzzled, his three (count 'em) texts since have all been somewhat carnally inclined. Nice though
It's just that, as I said at some length on the last thread, our build-up communication had got ridiculously romantic, he was making all sorts of unfeasable declarations about his feelings towards me.... The last texts are definitely more, shall I say, realistic in their tone.
But I think maybe I really quite like this guy. What do I do now? Part of me openly wants to say to him 'do you like me as much as you did before we met? are your feelings still the same?' but that would be way uncool, right?
I sent one text back to his three, saying I really hope to see him again. He replied that I will, he'll insist on it. Nothing more solid though
This sofa is getting mighty busy. Clearly there are an abundance of knobbers about atm.
Kin Full sympathies there. I find it all too easy to slip into 'empathetic shoulder' mode and it is highly frustrating at times.
Scrazy what I've just typed above kinda leads me to your situation. I am still in touch with an ex under the guise of 'friends'. Nowt has happened in the past few months but it is only recently, since he has displayed some utterly disappointing and selfish behaviour that I've realised he is a prick. I honestly don't know what i saw in him
mad cunnilingus skillz Still smarts sometimes though. What a waste of time and energy for a total bawsak.
Oh yeah, Scrazy, my actual point was that this behaviour (forgetting stuff that's important to me, general things that 'mates' should do) made me feel like I meant fuck all. Pretty sure he'd be devastated (and would shit himself as I can be a bit scary/straight) if I told him right out face to face so have tried to ignore and disengage a fair bit. After disengaging a fair bit I realised his head is just so far up his own arse that he just cannot comprehend that the world doesn't revolve around him and for that reason he is a twat.
Scrazy and 48 I didn't want to do a bj first time. too intimate...its more intimate than sex.
I am not a prude at all....anything but. I told him I am a bit reserved until I get to know someone. beyond that not shy at all.
It was too soon for me to have sex and I should have dated him a few more times.
roundwindow at good dates in random places - i'd leave the contact at that? also personally i wouldn't start the "do you like me?" thing at all?
think often pre-meeting texts are a bit more flamboyant than the post-meeting "ok she's actually a REAL WOMAN" texts, its not a sign that he's gone off you or anything, just that contact is gonna be a bit more "self conscious" now! just gotta see how this scopes out in real life now
Thanks Lorna, I shall exercise my feeble restraint as best I can.
He's texted again since. Just a very lovely slice of lasciviousness again. But no mention of when/where... AAAAARGH the frustration is killing me.
ha haroundwindow you obviously like him which is good!
i think often people don't know their schedules right at the end of a date, give it a few days, especially as you are text chatting anyway!
....so you know you haven't "lost contact"!
Winefield thanks for your comments. I have just what a selfish twat this one is. I'm questioning where I've have fitted in, just used for sex? It seemed so much more than that, it really did .
Oh and even after the breakup talk, he still doesn't get it and is asking to meet up. Twat! There I've said it.
scrazy I felt exactly the same and the irritating thing was that in hindsight, I actually realised that when we were 'seeing each other' he actually found out less about me than when we were mates for 2 years previous as we spent pretty much ALL the time talking about him/his woes.
This past few weeks he has made me particularly stabby as has asked numerous things which I know I've only told him days earlier. Important things. Self indulgent, self obsessed cunt.
The sofa is reet comfy.
Oh yeah and this one is also keen to meet up but only on his terms. Except last time it burst his brain as I fucked off early (I was bored) and then gave him a bollocking for behaving v out of character by telling complete strangers in a very snidey tone about my misfortune with Ken/tranny lover. He obvs wanted me to still be gagging for him.
may have rubbed salt in the wounds a few days after by pointing out how attractive some of my recent er conquests were and ignored him when he outright asked if it included him. Cockmuncher
They both sound like egotistical headfucks.
Just checkin' in.... Saw STBXH today to let him know petition is imminent. I also told him "I know everything..." ( I actually only know a couple of things, but want him to think I know all).. His OD before our separation, current OW & how he was involved before our split - he denied it & I told him I didn't believe him. Twat.
Nothing new to report with Meet Up guy, just embarrassing amounts of sex . Sympathies to Scrazy, Wine, 55 and anyone else on the sofa.At least you're out there trying - some of the Meet Up women have given up trying entirely, which is sad, I think.
Think I'll retire to the sofa with you all for a bit. I've a lovely colourful throw for if we get a bit chilly.
Just CBA with dating at the moment. Life is enough fun without the struggle to find a man. If life also happens to throw a man in, then great.
I'll be back on pof with a vengeance before the end of the week, no doubt .
for pof users - women - do you generally message first?
on match.com my eventual strategy was to "wink or favourite or view lots" allowing the chap to then "show interest back" (i found when i instigated actual messages quite a few of the guys were a bit "lukewarm" as in replying back but being a bit unenthusiastic with contact).
but i wonder if i should do more "actual written hi - liked your profile messages" on pof?
I can't speak for pof as I've only been on OKCupid (where there isn't a 'wink' but there is the option to 'favourite' people, and the same thing of their seeing whenever you view) but I would say that I do generally message first, yes. If it's someone interesting. I think if I didn't they just might not look at my profile. It's generally paid off
Go for it, I'd say. Keep it short, but for god's sake don't just say 'hi, wanna play?' rolls eyes Not that I'm implying you'd do that, of course, but jeeeez you wouldn't believe the amount of people who do. That's OKC for yer, I guess...
just the use of the word 'wanna' is enough to make me draw back in horror
Hello thread 58
Things are going nicely with Mr Flirt - have arranged to meet again (though not til mid August, so we might sneak one in before then too) still a bit concerned about the slight sex issues but hey. Hopefully we'll work something out. Advice on previous thread has made me more chilled about it.
BC has vanished off the face of the earth
I have lost two stone
Haven't smoked for three months
Business is booming
Lubeybooby - 2 stone, wow!
This online dating is tricky - only wanting to date, have a bit of fun... but living rurally, there are not many single men online within 70 miles apparently! Have looked on pof (plenty of fuckwits), guardian soulmates (lots of lovely londoners) and match (everyone seemed creepy). Is online dating really just for the city?
Hi Thread 58,
Hi bigstrongmama it can seem like that when you are a bit rural. How far are you willing to travel? OD sites are variable, depends on your type/age group/preference choosing the same site as you!
Lab: am going off him...I seem to attract men who start out strong/keen/interested and then their hectic lifestyle and BS excuses means that I see less and less of them. It's still on, although I broke up with him a week ago. I am a
cynical woman who knows better than to expect a person to change.
I CBA to create a profile etc, so the sofa it is for now.
Good to hear of all the positive dates/relationships/good beginnings!
WFF enters the shadows...
I've unhidden my profile tonight .. Not much on the go and my heart isn't really in it .. Got a message from thesubmariner ( remember him? Told me he was a voyeur who liked to watch his partner play with toys .. I told him that perhaps I was a bit old fashioned but I'd rather meet first and decide whether I fancied someone before we started talking about what I should insert in each orifice) .. I guess I should just hide my profile again really and wait for FriendofFriend to come back
Oh. Mr 3DD's pretty blonde visitor just left (I wasn't spying, honest, I just opened my bathroom window, which looks directly at his driveway, at the right time). Same car as before. I'm suddenly very sad about it.
I don't know him at all, really, and it would have just been weird - honestly, his ex waved at me the other day when she picked up the kids, and all i could think was 'oh god, I've snogged your ex'. But it was nice to think there was another single person nearby, who I had a bit of a frisson with. Rule 2, perhaps?
Well, thank goodness nothing more did happen, or goodness only knows what I would have been like!
Sorry to hear that you are a bit down flipper ..
I think I've made myself feel worse. Depression coming back.
Perhaps you just weren't ready 55 .. Why not join everyone on the sofa for a while .. This lot mix good cocktails
Good morning everyone! Sorry I missed your post the other day Raf - sounds wonderful with the Oil Rigger and I'm so happy for you. Wonderful news and please keep us updated.
Kirsty it sounds like you're best off waiting for FoF. It can be even more depressing than usual when your heart's not in it.
WFF - sorry it is all going off the boil a bit with Lab. I don't mind the hectic lifestyle excuses so much but the BS boils my piss every time.
Flipper hope you feel a bit more cheerful about things soon. I know what you mean about having him in the back of your mind even though nothing was going to happen. And it can be difficult to see people getting somewhere with dating when we're not, even though we're really happy for them as well - I know I can be like that, anyway, probably you are a much nicer person
Nora sorry I hadn't realised he has depression, post was a bit insensitive in that case. But I would really advise against getting involved with someone like this as I have had bad experiences with Titto and LM who both had depression or "depression" and used it as mitigation for a variety of crap behaviours. But for a quick weekend maybe it could work out.
Lubey just fab, fab, fab.
Mama I am in the sticks and have done okay on Match and PoF but I think it all depends on area/age group and what you're looking for. I'd just message anyone remotely possible as you just never know, you could get a pleasant surprise.
Juliette hoping all is still well.
Still feeling optimistic here about old Alpha, it's good.
Lubey well done, 3 months have gone past fast since you gave up the dreaded fags. This is something I need to address but not feeling up to it atm for obvious reasons.
I'm not allowing myself to get comfy on the sofa, I'm going to get out and about as much as possible. God it's so hard to admit defeat over LT, I'm trying though.
He just texted me. He thought I didn't enjoy the sex at all so thought he should leave it. I knew it. So what should I say.
55 - ok, just to get the situation clear - you DTD on Friday night/Saturday morning, is that right? He said 'speak to you soon' when he left on Saturday lunchtimish, then you didn't hear from him. You texted him on.. Monday? And he took two days to reply saying he didn't think you'd been interested.
I dunno on this one. Not getting in touch first is a bit twattish. Not replying to your text for two days is also twattish. It's possibly true, what he says, but it sounds a bit passive aggressive - 'I didn't get in touch because you weren't enthusiastic enough'
He thinks I'm a total prude and too shy to enjoy sex.
I've never been like that before.
Sod it ill text him back see what he says.
55, I would say nothing and put him behind me...i think it sounds as if he wants to leave it?
I dont think he has behaved very well so it's no great loss
55, it does sound passive aggressive and don't forget he should be trying to please you in the early days, you have told him you are shy at first. Guess it feels better for you that he hasn't just ignored you, so that's good.
I behaved like a corpse in bed. it was that bad......
isnt sexual compatability at least in part to do with being able to feel relaxed & unself conscious with someone?
I'm thinking he's just not right for you 55?
55 - are you saying you behaved like a corpse, or was it him?
Scrazy I think getting out and about is the best plan, but that's just me and I know other people like to have a bit of a break and pause to regroup. Don't look at it as admitting defeat, though - you're being very strong to make the decision that what he's offering isn't working for you, and that's a really positive thing.
Broken hope you are feeling better that you got a reply. Please don't beat yourself up about how you behaved in bed. It doesn't matter one bit, honestly. I think now is the time to decide if you do actually want to see this guy again, pure and simple, and take things from there. This does sound like very hard work when it really shouldn't be at this stage. I think I agree with Mercury and you're just not right for each other. It happens like that sometimes, no-one's fault and nothing you can do about it.
Broken please do not get into a text negotiation with him over whether you enjoyed the sex. If he was decent and genuinely concerned you didn't enjoy it he should have tried to reassure you much sooner. Over text and with the delay I do agree that's a twattish, passive aggressive text to send. There are better people for you out there.
I think Little is right on the money with that post!
actually the more I think about it, the more I'm getting annoyed with this guy.
He saw you were shy enough to comment on it, several times. He got you drunk and said nice things on the second date and got you into bed. You weren't enthusiastic enough in the sack for him, so he said 'speak to you later' then ignored you for 4 days, even though you texted him after two days.
Then he comes back and says 'you didn't seem to like it, so rather than be a gentleman and thank you and see if maybe I can make you like it more next time, I thought I'd ignore you'
Basically, he's being a dick. You said the sex with him was great, but you weren't relaxed enough to show it, so it can't have been that amazing. I don't know what you're comparing it to, but I always thought if sex was really very good then there was lots of two-way communication and trust, lowered inhibitions and communication. Maybe you've not had that in the past, but he can't have been truly great in bed if he couldn't make you respond and if he thought the sex wasn't good for you.
second what mercury and "scrazy* and Stranger and OWW said!
at best he's got no social skills and that text was tactless -he doesn't feel connection is good enough, fair play, but why not just send a vague farewell text?
at worst i he might have been goading you into going "but doctor
dickhead i AM very good in bed i agree to do X, Y and Z to you whilst you just lie back".
i hate it when guys do little jabs early on "oh you're a bit quiet?" "oh you should be doing X socially and being really outgoing to keep me amused all the time".
so you're constantly second guessing yourself? when i was younger i listened to them, especially as i came from a family/cultural background where it was the norm to have to "prove myself" and feel under scrutiny all the time.
now i'm like fucking hell, there are very attractive, masculine guys out there who are a lot more easygoing and not needing me to be Miss Extrovert Entertainment Committee all the time - my quiet company is enough!
ps have a look at THIS article btw on guys who are a bit "difficult".
Hmmm I am wondering if Mr Doctor of Bullshit has quite a few sexual inadequacy issues up his sleeve and has actually been told he is shy and reserved by past lovers. All seems a bit odd to me.
It did cross my mind that he is incredibly insecure and took the lack of contact and supposed lack of enjoyment as a major slight and was feeling a tad bruised/game playing. I have found in the past (when I was much much younger and very shy) that the type of folk who bang out the 'oh you are so quiet/shy' line (usually in front of others) are generally socially inept and massively insecure themselves. Quietness intimidates them. As a very non shy and quiet person now, I would never do such a thing to someone. It's like asking someone if they are blushing and expecting them not to blush more.
His loss completely broken. If he is massively insecure you don't need that, take it from me, all it does is wear you out and drag you down. A little, yes. To the point of game playing, no.
what winefiend said, second paragraph!
trying to get the spotlight on "your "shy" behaviour" so you aren't picking up on HIS issues!
Oh and another thing, folk who do things like dropping little comments in which they know may sting are AWFUL. Without being dramatic, early signs of thr potential for emotional abuse.
My last dalliance (Oor Ken) tried every trick in the book to wear me down as he was blatantly intimidated by the fact I am pretty low (to non existent) on the insecurities scale and he has them left right and centre
and he is fucking tapped
'Us fit boys....' (I want you to think I'm too attractive for you). Didn't work as he ain't.
'Have you seen this pic of my ex?' (Come on, green eyed monster must be in there). Didn't work (and also, my eyes don't point in two different directions so that wasn't a goer from the off)
'This little bra is really nice' (I am saying your tits aren't big enough). Nope, didn't work, I love my tits as they are, thanks.
And the classic line (which makes my mates howl with laughter) ...'you would be 20% fitter if your hair was longer'. That one didn't work either as I don't think it is possible for me to be 20% fitter. I jest, but you get my drift.
There were loads more but I've forgotten.
Discursive psychology is my bag so someone like that doesn't fare well with me.
yeah, absolutely agree! i think some insecure people try and set up a "dynamic" where you are constantly working to win their approval.
but once you get past a certain age, all you do is go at them and think they are a bit weird and rude!
lorna Ah yeah bob on that one. Age is a marvellous thing, isn't it?
Unfortunately a little knobhead with massive mummy and daddy ishooooos, zero motivation to do anything worthwhile except navel gaze and put folk down and a vastly higher opinion of his own looks than he should have (don't get me wrong, he is gorgeous, but I've had better) shouldn't be expecting me to feel intimidated by him.
I do prattle on abt him a bit but mainly as I am still that folk like that actually exist. Never encountered that one before.
what if you only grew your hair "half long" or in a bob? would you be 10% fitter?
Ooh now lorna that is a conundrum. Technically it is a long bob so I am almost there to optimum fitness (amusingly I have actually been growing it since Jan, long before I met that little twerp).
55 WTF! Run for the hills.
Oh yes, I've had the best comment after getting my hair done differently 'If I saw you out I'd fancy you' no, just a knobbish comment to try and put me down. Weirdly I thought the erection he had every time we got close indicated that he did anyway, but who knew.
55 I think he sounds like an emotional abuser .. I think you've had a lucky escape
wine you make me laugh
nora how are you today pet?
OWW I didn't think your post was insensitive in the slightest, you're an unfailingly kind and sensitive person, sadly I think there's some kind of hideous subconscious thing going on with me and depressives, not unrelated to having a parent with serious mental health issues, either I attract them or I must seek them out somehow. It's a bit of a bugger.
Kirsty thanks, chuck, I'm slightly less miserable, grumpy and cynical than I was yesterday, but not by much ...
i've actually been on the other side here -a sufferer and only really got out the woods in last couple of years- and will admit i was often a complete shit/really inconvenienced anyone who was dating me.
so for them to say "too much trouble" would be absolutely fair!
(on the surface at the time i was quite charming and attractive, but just "not feeling anything so not able to have ANY genuine empathy for others needs"
just so wrapped up in my own head that living, and all the social stuff associated with it just felt like "going through the motions". now i wouldn't want to date a male version of me then, for sure!)
Oh yes, I know how awful and destructive depression is for the sufferer Lorna, it's a terrible illness and caused a massive amount of damage within my own family.
I think I'm just fighting against something I recognise in myself, some kind of subconscious drive to endlessly repeat history.
( I'm being cheered up by some bloke on okc who buttered me up ridiculously and now wants to run a 'business proposal' by me, for which he is at pains to ensure I'm 'open-minded' - I can't wait to find out what it's going to be as I really need a laugh )
being compassionate is beautiful Nora
but yeah I HEAR YOU ON the family thing.
ps don't laugh at his business proposal, you might see him on the TV in 15 years time going "oh well i told this woman i liked online about it, and she laughed at me. NOW I'LL SHOW HER."
just run if he says its a Yoni massager.
Hey ladies, got a date on Saturday afternoon with a lad I've met on a dating site. Come on here for maybe a bit of advice it's my first time meeting anyone off the Internet!
Nope, not yoni massager - he wants me (brace yourselves) to be the 'key holder' to his 'personal chastity device' .
re people who try to make you feel insecure, of course it is bad that they do this but it seems somehow worse that the attempts are so transparent.
A skillful manipulator would have your number quite quickly and would know exactly how to make you feel insecure, the attempt wouldn't be transparent because it would work.
Of course I don't mean that it's good to be manipulative but they just make themselves look lame and unpleasant.
I remember a man who tried to make me feel paranoid about my weight after I commented that his bathroom scales seemed inaccurate...he just assumed that because I'm female I must be paranoid that I look fat.
Too damn lazy to find out what my actual insecurities were!
Mercury not only was he lazy, I rather suspect he was targeting the wrong woman, trying that kind of nonsense on with you.
Confuzzled hello and welcome, the best advice is to follow the rules at the top of the thread - it's the distilled wisdom of many hours of dating and might spare you a lot of pain.
Nora are you being serious re: keyholding? Oh my. What on earth is a personal chastity device? I would have thought halitosis or furry gilets would have been enough for some blokes
My copper (or baby copper) quest has taken an unexpected turn. One of my clients has been served an ABSO of sorts by his crew. A quick google has revealed the nature of the ABC is the nature of naughtiness (ooh) he deals with. Upon return from Residential School I may consider calling him to discuss a 'way forward.' For the benefit of the local community, OBVIOUSLY (I would probs do this anyway mind, I'm not that
reli horni lolz wanton.
OWW all still very well, just off to take him back to the airport
Juliette You can't keep a good man down
Its Mr R&Rs birthday tomorrow. I shall be serving him a special treat. It will not involve food
Yes Wine that's what he wants - I can't bring myself to google, I don't think. He wants to take me out for dinner, wearing his key on a necklace
Glad things are ok Juliette
I'd wish Mr R&R a very happy birthday 48 but I suspect that would be superfluous
Kin tbh I think the real reason for his lame attempt at manipulation was that I didn't matter enough to put any effort in.
Had we been making a business deal I'm sure he'd have paid alot more attention to what made me tick.
When I hear about men and their inept attempts to manipulate & deceive I do wonder if it's that he thinks she's a 'mere woman' and therefore not worth the effort
ahem. Women have been known to be manipulative too... I lose track of the number of threads I've read on here about toxic manipulative MILs...
I'm not replying.......feel a bit upset by it.
mercury I think for some men the 'mere woman' thing holds some weight (and some women probably do th same with men when we're thinking about manipulation through sex). I certainly think Oor Ken thought along those lines as his opinions on women were nothing short of repulsive ('women in Spain stay st home with the kids and they're seen as weird if they don't' being a belter).
Nora well I never. That is a new one on me. Wow.
Major typos and cross posted with Bant re: the wimmens too.
Oh I have just remembered anothet belter I have to share.
Within ten minutes.of arriving at my house, with absolutely no lead up:
'So. Is your biological clock ticking? '
It amazes me that it was only after he left that I was so outraged. I think I may have been in a 4 day state of disbelief.
Bant of course women are just as capable of being manipulative.
My point was not about the extent to which men are manipulative.
It was to do with not regarding women as important enough to put in the effort required to see what makes them tick.
Wineof course there are some advantages to being seem as a 'mere woman' it's very easy to do a number on someone who underestimates you.
But when it comes to personal relationships it's nicer to be seen as an equal human being
Hey everyone, no time to catch up atm, will before bed though!
Mr Distant does want a relationship... but now I am seriously liking Guy 2. I pulled a third all nighter talking to him last night. So so easy to be with, naturally fall into being myself, as does he. So decided to pull out of being in a relationship with Mr Distant and will speak to him about it tonight. Guy 2 makes me realise that I could want to marry and I could want to have kids, if with the right guy, and if with the right guy, it's not so scary. Mr Distant doesn't want either of those things, but what if he says he could do in the future? The, for the third time, I would be back to square one with him.. so hoping he doesn't say that and that he agrees we want different things so there is no point really starting something.
or do you find the same Bant?
I mean are there times when women are trying to manipulate you and it's so obvious & transparent that you just think 'is that the best you can do...do you really think I'm that stupid'
cuz what we usually hear from men is all that cliched stuff about how women are so complex and impossible to understand...
Blimey Nora that is a new one on me. Why on earth do these people think that is going to get him anywhere? Amazing.
Hello Confuzzled and welcome. Is this your first OD date? The only advice I have is don't expect too much beyond a nice evening - even if you get on well online or by text, that rarely translates into real life. And then if/when it does you'll have a pleasant surprise, rather than constant disappointment if/when it doesn't.
Is there anything specific you want to ask or chat about? Feel free!
Hmm, I think I might be in my post-alcohol crash from the weekend. Am feeling seriously in the winedoom. Still a bit down about Mr 3DD, but coming round to the fact that I have an issue with becoming attached to someone who may have flirted a lot, but had been absolutely clear about what he wanted. A lot of people would have just ignored or even been offended by the flirting, knowing that he wasn't going to take it further, but my screwed up mind saw it as positive attention, and I wanted more. Oh well, something for me to learn from, and learn how to protect myself more.
55, I would be upset too, in your position, but he's been an absolute arse. He really isn't worth the tears, my lovely.
Juliette, pleased all is well.
I remember a guy who asked me over the phone how long it was since I last had sex...clearly wanted to know how desperate I was for it so he could work out his chances of getting his leg over.
I didnt answer his question
(and definitely didnt meet him)
55 is it understandable that you are upset. It is not pleasant being treated badly.
You on the other hand have done nothing wrong. Delete his No if you haven't already and remember you are the 'good guy'
mercury - yes I find the same, that some women's opinion of men seems to be so low that they think doing things like poking me in the pectorals, asking how often I work out, leaning forward and showing cleavage will have me panting like a horny dachshund.
And the ones who burst into tears when they see they're losing an argument (i.e. not getting their way in what I thought was an adult discussion about things) in order to get a man to feel guilty enough to do whatever she wants - emotional blackmail.
I generally point out that my 4 year old still does that, but my 6 year old has grown out of it by now.
Some men are manipulative, some women are - and all people who do it think that it's because they'll succeed, because they're cleverer than the people they're talking to. And some women fall for the manipulation, some men fall for it. It's human nature, and I don't think it's gender specific.
Hi Confuzzled - so come on, spill. Which OD site did you use, do you feel positive about things (presumably you do) and do you have specific questions or advice to ask?
Flipper I would have been enjoying the flirting too. It's human nature to enjoy a bit of interest from someone, even if its not going anywhere. You enjoyed it and you'll get all that and more from someone very soon. Just ignore the Winedoom, it's hell.
Lovely Alpha has been to the chocolate shop on his way home. Think he's got me sussed out too well already ...
Aww Flipper Maybe a wee bit of sofa time will do you the world of good? I make a mean strawberry daiquiri (when I remember to put the lid on the blender).
I wouldn't worry too much about the liking the flirting thing if it isn't the norm for you. I was the same for a wee bit until the novelty wore off. One of my friends is currently going through the same (except to the point where she is accepting seriously shabby behaviour from some blokes and I suspect has slept with a few sadly just for the attention as ONS are not something she enjoys).
The sofa is reet comfy and a good place to recuperate until you are back to you best
Yes Flipper come and have a sit down on the sofa, I've got elderflower liqueur and I've made some chocolate fridge cake stuff with marshmallows and jelly beans in it.
Are those off the sofa allowed fridge cake?
Oh aye, it's share and share alike on here.
( I'm on a fast day, this is poor planning )
What is this fridge cake you speak of? Sounds much preferable to the French Fancy I have just rammed down my neck (brown, the worst one as well).
Ohhh strawberry pavlova > dribble <
Are you doing that 5:2 thingy Nora? I have toyed with the idea....only want to shave half a stone off and it seems ideal (esp with my recent Nutella habit).
Catching up.. Will read rest but..
Lorna what you said about depression so sounds familiar. I am so sorry you suffered and so glad you have managed to move forward. Can I pm you? Have a good friend suffering exactly like that and I don't know what to do..
Not sure could only eat 500 calories - it's 2 days in a row yes?
Yes Wine I've been doing it for about 6 weeks, have you watched the Horizon episode about it ? It was very interesting.
No, New they have to be non-consecutive days, I do Monday and Wednesday.
Oh bloody hell Kin Fridge cake is bad Make mine a large, please.
Ah non consecutive days sounds more viable. I would over eat and a half on 5 days though!!
Kin that is bad news about Talent, what is wrong with these people? Just massive emotional drains. As for Mr Chastity, depending how
bored charitable you are feeling you might want to take him up on his offer, and lock him up and get your soldering iron out.
OWW very good news about Alpa
55 he has behaved very badly, you have actually had a lucky escape there
Flipper flirtation keeps us ticking over, I'm not surprised you're feeling it.
Dutchie has been a star, I am very happy
Ooh I might watch that Nora. What kind of things do you have on the fast days? I reckon I could do it easily as I often go all day (until i get home) on coffee and fags if I'm busy. That being said, if I know I 'have to', that would probably be an entirely different story.
I'm so pleased for you, Juliette x ( Talent Show still wants to meet as of 20 minutes ago, I've told Chastity Charlie I'm 'thinking about it' - he seems like a very nice man
apart from the weird lock shizzle )
Large fridge cake for 48 - I've just sliced it up, still a bit gooey, is that a problem for you ?
Wine Michael Mosley ( I love him ) met a load of calorie restriction researchers, not Gillian McKeith style fruit loops, and was so impressed with the changes in various blood markers and physiological tests that he began following the 5/2 thing on a regular basis himself.
I've found it much easier than I was expecting, especially as my job is pretty physically demanding.
(I generally despise diets and the diet industry, they are insidious and thoroughly detrimental to female self-image )
Oh and on fast days I have coffee, one and a half breakfast biscuit things, lunch is a mug of black tea and then I have a bowl of homemade soup or a 350 calorie meal of some description at teatime.
It's living the dream.
Hmmm I think post Resi School I will give that a whirl Nora. How much have you lost thus far?
I am absolutely living the dream as I have just spent the last half hour watching YouTube tutorials on how to lay paving slabs.
Thanks guys <squidges onto sofa>.
Am going to write this to help me make sense of how I'm feeling, please feel under no obligation to read it!
I'd thought I'd be ok, rationally I knew it was just flirting but with the promise of a friendship, but when I saw her this morning, I felt as sick as when I discovered my ex had been seeing someone. Perhaps there's a leftover issue there as well! Although I currently do seem to fancy every man I see at the moment, any flirting at all this time last year still made me feel very uncomfortable. I was in a sort of 'superprotective' mode, where no man (particularly a flirty one) was to be trusted at all. I'm a bit worried that I've returned to some of my old habits, where I did accept shoddy behaviour from men, because I was desperate to be liked. I honestly thought I'd moved on a long way from there, I recognise that a lot of men are actually nice, and that I deserve one of those ones. After all, I'm the prize, aren't I?
I think I'm upset because I allowed myself to be in a position to get hurt, and I thought I could protect myself.
I am pleased for him, well, I would be, if I thought he really was a nice guy, but he's ignored a couple of texts from me (one chatty one from Friday, and one today which was asking him for a favour), and left me on his dating phone, rather than his everyday phone. These things make me feel as though he really was just using me to flirt with until something better came along, and that hurts because now I feel like I've been dropped as a friend.
Pass the cocktails.
Gooey. Just how I like it kin
Have a big gooey piece too Flipper Don't want to be the only one with chocolate all over my face
Flipper - sorry it's got you down.
If you're texting him on his dating phone, rather than his normal phone, maybe he's not ignoring the texts but it's just been switched off since he's seeing this girl, and he hasn't seen them?
Wine I relayed half of my patio last summer. Piece of piss
there's info about the 5:2 thing on his website:
I've not tried it, but I suspect I'd end up eating more on the normal days to compensate
Aww Flipper, cocktails your way
48 well, it looooks easy (though some say to use gravelly stone things first and some say to chuck the sandy cement mix straight onto soil - I am guessing the former is more sensible).
I am not going to tell anyone I'm gonna do it as they'll try and talk me out of it. Instead, I will surprise them with my amazing handiwork by way of a grand unveiling and a garden cocktail party
or more likely pre-book myself a slot at A&E and ring my dad in a blind panic as I've cemented the dog to the shed
Re-pointing my old slabs at the other end looks tremendous fun but I really can't be arsed angle grinding the old shit out. Surely I can just go over it and it'll fill in the gaps?
From diets to paving stones - I have sent this thread way off topic this eve
That's what he told me last week, Bant, he took a day to reply to a text, and apologised and said he wasn't using his dating phone much at the moment. But there's been no sign of moving me to his normal phone, so it's not that I think he's deliberately ignoring me, it's that he's not interested in being friends. Does that make sense?
Whereas the pretty blonde obviously must be serious enough to move her across (which is lovely for him, that he's met someone he likes that much, honestly, I am pleased for them), even though he's only known her for five minutes.
Sorry, and 48. I have decking, which I hate and is a safety hazard. I'd love to rip it out and put in a patio, especially one I laid myself.
If you just brush a dry sand and cement mix into the joints that should do it Wine
I love the dating thread. So relevant all the time
Wine I used Hardcore, then scalping as a base.
Sorry, but you will have to get the old crap out. Shite init.
Sorry Bant. If you just brush a dry sand and cement mix into the joints whilst checking your messages on PoF that should do it Wine
Ach well a job well done and all that 48. Ta OWW. Ah what I have learnt about paving stones this eve.
Still know fuck all about dating mind
Hmm first non-OD date in forever tonight. I'd forgotten what it was like.
it is nice. I'm starting to think that I can't do casual. It felt like I was sneaking around behind fling guy's back. I keep repeating to myself that in modern dating anything goes until exclusivity has been agreed, but I still feel a bit weird arranging another date with non-OD guy (which he appears to be dead keen on). I declined to sleep with him (which he also appeared dead keen on). Especially as fling guy is making a lot of non-fling gestures.
Typical isn't it Stranger Feast or famine.
Stranger I get really confused about this anything goes in dating stuff. To be honest, if I didn't come on here, I wouldn't have thought or known that anything goes, I'd have carried on as I would with real life dating which is essentially one person at a time (and which is actually what I've done anyway as I don't feel at all comfortable seeing more than one person at a time).
How do you know if someone's playing by the "anything goes in online dating" rules or by the "normal standards of conduct" rules? How do people generally find out that OD has these different rules? Does OD actually have different rules or is that just something put about by some people to justify them behaving in a way that would normally be frowned upon?
OWW I think it might be imported from the SITC style of dating. 'Dating' as opposed to 'going out with', 'seeing someone' that we've always had. I met a couple of NYers on OD and I asked them how it worked in RL. The view was that you dated lots of people but it was just like meeting different people socially until you had the exclusive chat. I was surprised that apparently it was fine to sleep with any and I suppose that now we 'date' that is the template. I do find it odd as why keep seeing someone unless you feel something and if you feel something then how do you sleep with anyone else and give anyone proper attention.
I wonder about that too OWW. I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing more than one person at a time (as I said last thread WRT Mr Lovely and Mr RL - and actually Mr RL is no longer as appealing as I think I'm a bit hung up on Mr Lovely!)
I assumed from the offset that Mr Lovely was going to be playing by OD 'rules' and just accepted that he'd still be chatting and possibly arranging dates with other women, but now I'm not so sure.
Certainly for me, I'm not looking. I think being as he's going to be staying over at mine this w/e, and as we will certainly be having coffee again I'm going to have the exclusive conversation this w/e. I'm pretty sure it already is exclusive, but I want to know IYKWIM?
I think the timing won't be rushed - we've been chatting for 4+ weeks, we had a date 3+ weeks ago and there've been three of those plus four (I think) more informal meet ups. I think if I say that I want to ensure exclusivity that's ok isn't it? I'm not asking for promises of a future, just security for now.
Can you tell that I'm stressing about this?!
Yes, absolutely, Juliette - how does that work? If you are seeing and sleeping with lots of different people (without them being explicitly aware that you're doing this) then you are essentially a love rat and trying to gloss over it by saying it's acceptable dating behaviour really doesn't cut it with me. I suppose that's more acceptable if you're looking for something casual, but I'm not, and I think it must be very difficult to get any sort of relationship off the ground if one or both people are behaving like this.
I've overlapped a couple of times but only when I've had a pre-arranged first date and have arranged a second date with the last person I had a first date with, if that makes sense.
I see myself as going out with someone or seeing them than "dating".
Title I agree, it's not a thing to rush but I think you are in a position for things to be made clear so that you know where you are. This is the whole thing that I find very weird. In a normal relationship it wouldn't occur to me to have that conversation as I'd just assume that that was the case. I've only been in one relationship via OD where I've been bothered about this but think I might be bothered quite soon with Alpha. But I suspect he is playing by "normal" rules. So confusing.
I don't think there is anything wrong with multi dating, but I wouldn't do it if I was sleeping with someone. I don't think OD should be much different to RL. This Americanism of dating is just pants really and an attempt to make money for the OD companies.
I don't think the 'rules' are different in OD per se, it's just the intensity that is different. When you meet people in real life, at a party, a bar, at work, whatever, you generally don't meet many people at the same time. So you meet someone, fancy them, date them and get to know them after a few meals, drinks etc. And it may not work out for whatever reason, so you go back to being single.
With OD, it's much more intensive as you have stuck your sign out, get mails from people, or mail people yourself, and set up dates with the ones you've chatted to who seem good. Sometimes there are droughts where no-one seems decent enough to meet, sometimes there may be 2 or 3 at a time, and you have to meet them within a reasonable period of time.
Next week when I'm back in foreign parts, I'm supposed to meet Aruba on Tuesday (from Match.com), Hungarian girl #3 on Wednesday (who I met in RL), possibly also CheshireCat although I can't be arsed there.
Then the following week I have FrenchGirl coming to stay for a few days (she keeps saying how she can't wait to see me, she's really excited about seeing me, she's really looking forward to seeing me... Which is strange considering she dumped me last time)
So, I'd rather space these things out over a month or so, but that's not the way the cards have fallen.
ProperStumped yeah feel free to PM me!
We're gonna need a bigger sofa....
Mr Sarf London Geeze backed off considerably since my confession that I felt vulnerable and could become attached. Final straw for me though was his massive rant about his ex last week and how he hoped that now he had his own place, his kids would realise it was 'shit' living with their mum with her total lack of authority and come to live with him full time (they are 15 and 10). What an arse. My sympathies lie entirely with his ex...
STB-exH confessed last week that he felt he'd made a mistake in leaving last year and was very confused, especially as he realised his relationship with his
exactly half my age girlfriend probably wouldn't go anywhere. That was food for thought... or it was until last night when he told me to forget he'd said anything and was actually happy the way things are.
Jeez. The thought of trawling Match and PoF again..
I'm off to a 'posh' BBQ later and have the feeling I'm going to get utterly ratarsed!
Re: multiple dating
when i started OD I wanted to "try out the market" a bit. didn't really "know" what worked for me in terms of man or how I wanted to structure a relationship, so I needed to just suss out what did?
never struggled with finding men who wanted me to be their girlfriend or more, BUT from my relationship experience I know that's not the "main thing" - fell in love about a month after I joined match.com, was reciprocated, and I couldn't follow up! Thought there was something wrong with me!
Now - I think the guy - though attractive - was similar in personality to my first 2 long term partners. Not dreadful guys, but not working for me and I couldn't be happy or grow with them. Not wanting to be with him was my subconscious instincts saying "no, the same thing is gonna happen". So a good call really.
Then: stage where I was "playing the numbers game" a bit badly though? Collecting lots of first dates and sleeping with with men I felt "meh" about in the hope that something would stick or I'd develop feelings or that i could convince myself to accept a relationship structure i didn't want? Saw a LOT of nice restaurants ha ha, but "not feeling it"?
Now I got my confidence back after a very good love affair that developed as a result of that "pick anyone" year, so have faith that "yes, there will be someone who I love and am attracted to who doesn't want marriage/babies". also i trust my ability to "identify/call what i want" a lot more.
So since that ended my dating strategy has changed - only slept with one - someone i was 100% interested in and enthusiastic about. i'll still multiple date but am gonna slow down and eliminate anyone who i feel about ASAP. and once i meet someone and am sleeping with him, i'll give it a month or so exclusive, see what develops.
so for me wasn't a "moral" thing with the sex/multiple dating, more a "using the dating process to develop my ability to identify what exactly I want".
sorry NewStart not ProperStumped. this thread moves fast
Smoothie enjoy your barbeque - do you actually have sunshine? It's grey and rainy and bloody cold here. Good call on SLG - that rant about his ex sounds horrid, such a giveaway about what sort of person he is. Would actually love to see him cope full-time with a teen and pre-teen haha. STBX is game playing, isn't he, seeing if he can tug your string so I wouldn't be surprised if he's back again saying the same thing a couple of months down the line . . .
Lorna my strategy has been the multiple first dates too, and I still think it's a numbers game and a matter of getting out and meeting as many people as possible to maximise your chances of finding someone who you click with. I don't have a problem with that at all, but it's all a very confused area to me about how things change and are/aren't communicated as you move towards seeing one person rather than having first/second dates with a succession of people.
I am not arranging any more dates and have stopped going online looking for the moment but I think it is probably prudent to keep this to myself for a while yet. Or is it? Any advice here would be good, thanks.
ha ha well OWW gotta say I'm still myself about it. i don't think there's "one optimum strategy" really? every situation is different.
i guess a conversation about sexual health once you start sleeping together is natural, and essential of course?
(but then how do you know they aren't still "open to meeting new people"?)
might have to sit on your hands and wait for the super fine Scot to bring it up, he seems to be very on the ball so far? i tend to think that if men want to get things exclusive, even if they are nervous, they'll try and "lock things down" as soon as they can, as they don't want YOU meeting anyone new.
i'm also place marking and interested to hear others POV here!
Oh blimey Lorna we are not at the sex conversation stage at all yet, this is going very slowly which I am more than happy with. I don't know for sure but have a feeling that it's not occurred to him that we would be seeing other people. Nothing has been said, but he is new to OD, only had three or four first dates before me over several months, and so I think he might not be fully switched on to the "dating" mindset. However, I could be entirely wrong about that and he could be setting up other dates left, right and centre, who knows?
As usual, I think hanging fire and seeing what happens is a fine plan
Cheers OWW - I was surprised at SLG's rant about his ex as he'd always been quite respectful when talking about her previously which I appreciated. And yes, STB-ex is definitely game-playing. He saw that I had lost 2 stone, become independent, met someone and probably didn't like it. As far as I'm concerned he can now fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there... etc etc!
Hello everyone else and sorry to do the usual and just barge in, in a me me meeee way but I'm still following all of your ups and downs. Fnarr.
Interesting and useful discussion on multi-dating. I think once you've started sleeping with someone, morally my instincts are more towards Juliette's and OWW's point of view, which is why I've been feeling like a bit of a rat bag. I'm definitely not going to sleep with guy number 2 if I'm still seeing number 1, but haven't ruled out another date yet, although I feel I shouldn't do it.
And there are complications to trying to be good. Agreeing to exclusivity with someone - even if not explicitly - means that you are closing yourself off to other opportunities. This is fine if person number 1 ticks whatever it is you're looking for (and even if you think they do, you can never know that for a while), but if not is it really necessary to decide wholesale to end it or close yourself off to other options? I guess the problem is you can never say to someone "you can have 50% of me until something better comes along".
Also there's still that worry that you could do everything above board and not be a love rat and then someone else turns around and declares they've decided to get serious about someone you had no idea about.
OWW I stopped going online after the DTD and have kept that to myself. I think bringing it up does inevitably lead to some kind of what's going on conversation.
sounds like a good plan to me!
i mean if you're still ambiguous in 6 months then time to re-assess but for now i think the "slow burn" and the anticipation thing sounds wonderful!
must say i get the vibe most sorted men actually don't like the idea of being some "playah" type with lots of options, would rather concentrate on one woman they actually like. we're not in bloody New York!
Personally, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm DTD with more than one woman (well, apart from the obvious threesome fantasy - it's overcomplicated, I'd feel guilty, I'd be second guessing everything I said in case I'd mixed them up, and I'd feel I was cheating on both of them.
In order to get to the point where I DTD with one of them, I'm in some kind of 'relationship' even if it's very early days. I think I learned from the Buffy situation that FWB is fun, but has it's own set of problems, and life is really complex enough without trying to manage two FWB, and a job, and DC, and everything else.
So I'm classing myself as potentially monogamous. Once I'd DTD with one person, I'll break things off with other people I'm dating, but as it stands I'm just meeting people for drinks, I'm not 'seeing' anyone yet.
OWW even before you have DTD you can have a chat along the lines of "what are you looking for?" when he should tell you if he is ODing for fun and to meet lots of people or if he is looking for the one. I think more/most are looking for a relationship - who really finds dating ( however you define it) enjoyable??
On other matters am taking Meet Up guy to some friends for dinner; first real outing that is not just us. We have been going to the occasional meet up activity together - walks, meals - with others. He is very friendly, has a high likeability quotient, so I am not really worried about him. But there is always a niggle - what if my friends react negatively ( take me to one side, saying WTF). I don't think that will happen. This particular Rubicon needs crossing though, and my anxieties once again emerge.
Ranger - I think many men are looking for a relationship - but one thing that's become obvious from this thread over the last year or so is - some men will say they're looking for a relationship/exclusivity before they have DTD, and then will change their mind the next morning - or never intended to be exclusive in the first place
The answer to 'who really finds dating enjoyable' is: Those people who want to meet and seduce lots of people then move on to the next one.
I quite enjoy dating, to be honest, it's not a chore, it's not unpleasant. But I personally don't feel the need to shag and run, I'd rather move on before DTD. I'd like to stop 'dating' and see someone longer term, but it is quite fun in the meantime, as long as no one is getting hurt.
I have never being 'seeing' more than one person. I am a one man woman
When I was younger if I felt the grass was possibly greener elsewhere, I jumped ship first.
"I think I learned from the Buffy situation that FWB is fun, but has it's own set of problems, and life is really complex enough without trying to manage two FWB, and a job, and DC, and everything else."
Yeah, that's the vibe i get from a lot of men i've dated?
even if they "could" string out the dating process for ages, there's no social benefit to them doing so, especially if they have a lot of other life commitments? they'd rather close the deal with the first woman they feel enthusiastic about. most 30-something englishmen aren't trying to be Hugh Hefner or Silvio Berlusconi!
once read a funny quote on a football forum where there was a thread about cheating. not exact words, but one man said something like "bloody hell, i don't have the energy/time/money to keep one woman happy, let alone two!".
i think its good for women to just stay quiet and read the signals though? spend time together, be nice, but watch carefully to see what they guy does/says rather than try to shoehorn him into your life or ask for a statement of intention too soon.
no one on this thread is like this, thank god, but i know one or two women IRL who try and make someone their official boyfriend by sleeping with him under the guise of "casual", inviting him over for home cooked meals, leading the way on holidays etc, organising EVERYTHING, telling everyone they're an item ... and ignoring that he isn't actually instigating anything himself, just going with the flow. always seems to end in tears!
Lorna Home cooked meals. What are these things you speak off?
ha ha 48 i know! i "can't" cook and am a rubbish hostess (hate tidying up) so i can never offer this option
I never twigged the first couple of times I dropped Mr R&R back to his home town, that he asked to be dropped at the shop because he was bloody starving.
He had gone nearly 24hrs without food. A man on his knees
OWW I wouldn't be initiating that conversation. From what you've said about him, no good can come of it. At best you prematurely seal some kind of deal when he should be wanting yo close it and at worst he thinks wow people do multiple dating? Sweet shop! You are dating, I don't see him seeing others unless he's Don Juan with a huge amount of time to text a string of women daily so it's not a problem that needs solving.
Yo. Yo? I seen to have gone all 'ghetto'. ' to' obvs.
and a bit little old lady in a black scarf 'no good can come of it'
Thanks everyone! My instinct is to say nowt, so that's what I will do. But I think what I would like if i could wave my magic wand is just some way of knowing if we're on the same page with what we're looking for - no commitment, it's far too soon, no deals sealed, but just a way of knowing that I'm not totally wasting my time and getting a bit emotionally involved in a situation that's going nowhere from the start.
I think all is fine here, but I don't entirely trust my own judgement - it's so easy to present a fake persona in the early stages of getting to know someone.
OWW go with your gut. He's hardly given the impression he is up for a quick shag and even if he was a wrong'un in some other way he's not going to tell you because you ask is he. All will be well
OWW you can only go with your instinct, for what it's worth ( wearing my special 'Queen of Relationships' hat obv ) I think your approach is the right one.
Actually Juliette he would be the worst quick shag merchant in history.
I think I've cocked up a bit because he's mentioned twice yesterday about taking me to a restaurant - I've just ignored this altogether as this place is/was a favourite haunt of LM and I'd rather not go. So I don't know where we are really about meeting up again. Oh dear.
OWW if it really bothers you can you not say you got food poisoning there last time and don't want to go back?
Stranger I recommended him to take some business clients there the other night as he was asking if I knew anywhere good near their hotel. So he's been and really likes it. It's actually on the road that LM lives on so a bit difficult potentially, but never mind. Think I'll just wait for this one to sort itself out as well. Not a big problem really.
It's tricky with local patches... There are certain places I could never go...
Think my date from Sunday is a vanisher!
Haha spent about 5 hours together, what's the point of that?
I'm not really that bothered which speaks volumes... He was a good 'catch' but baggage (haven't we all) and I wasn't convinced by the snog...
Am chatting on pof ATM to a couple of people.. We'll see, it sure is a crazy site!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That is just brilliant news Rose so happy for you x
Rose that is wonderful news! and the best birthday present too.
I'm so pleased for you.
Aw Rose how fantastic is that! I'm so pleased for you, you've waited so long for this and now you've got your new start. Brilliant news lovely x
So very happy for you Rose. This is the start of so much that will be good on many levels. An excellent course at a top university, lovely house and garden, a whole fresh start for the two of you, new friends and opportunities waiting. There's nothing that you can't do now, sweetheart, you've got through all the crap so just go for it.
Oh Rose that is fantastic news and plenty of room on the infamous sofa until you are ready
congratulations rose I am so pleased for you
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Rose, that's brilliant news. Will you be able to stay there for the duration of your course? It'll be lovely to feel settled.
OWW, I think I'd be honest, and explain that you recommended it because you knew it was good, but that it was somewhere you went with an ex and might therefore not be that relaxed. But then I do tend to share too much.
I went to see Walking Man tonight. Most of you won't remember, but he's the guy I had a short relationship with, and fell pregnant accidentally with - it was really nice to catch up. I was right to break up with him, but he's still a nice guy, and I think we'll stay friends.
Thank you all for listening to me yesterday, as well. I'm in a much better humour today, and have rationalised my angst away, with your help.
back from corfu, so catching up on thead. great to hear such good news from folk!
i'm off to hosp this morning to get arm checked out. s'funny not having nameless around. managed to not yell 'marry me!' during a particularly impressive shag, so week seems to have gone reasonably well!
expecting post holiday wobble in next couple of days, so bear with me....
Snape fingers crossed it's not fractured and that A&E isn't a nightmare - should be ok reasonably early on a Friday morning.
Have a good day chaps.
Good luck snape, glad you had an amazing holiday, good and well nip those wobbles in the bud!
Fabulous news Rose keep smiling you are nearly there.
glad you are feeling better Flipper
Morning to one and all, news here is house had exchanged and I move on Monday, Mr EA moves into new house tomorrow! I'm excited about the move and a new start but feel a bit meh sitting in the house that me and
cheating bastard STBXH bought as our dream home surrounded by boxes. Think I'm grieving for the future I thought I would have and the past that was never what I thought it was .
Still as the thread motto goes, chin up, tits out and eyes forward
Apologies for phone typos and predictive texts, got a bloody mind of its own this thing!
Rose - great news with the house, and the same to you Tigsy
Snape - good luck with the arm
Snape, hope it's ok.
Tigsy, congratulations on your new home! Moving is always a bit emotional, I think. All that change, out with the old and all that.
Bant, how are you getting on without a phone?
Morning all! Hope every one is ok this morning.
I'm pleasantly stressed out today as Mr Lovely is coming to stay over tonight
So happy for you Rose Brilliant!
Hope your arm is ok Snape Holiday sounds fab.
Thats us Tigsy. Although Bant may have trouble with the 'tits out'
Well Mr R&Rs birthday went like a dream. I got a little pissed and mentioned marriage Neither of us have ever married or had any desire to. I asked him what if I was the marrying kind. He said 'he would marry me' I don't think I do want to marry him, just wanted to know he would if you know what I mean
We are off to Scotland again on the 20th for a week. I love it
Glad happy thread this morning.
Have a day out with another recently met singe mum today yay :-)) not on the pull as such....
tigsy all the best with the move etc.
Snape glad holiday went so brilliantly, hope arm ok
rose house sounds lovely, am envious of your going back to study that's brill.
On dating news spoke to an lovely chap last night on the phone, clicked really well an hour had passed without really noticing, then another one before sleep called. Might end up more friends than phwoar but I can live with that, friends rock.
Have given him a potted version of the rules - expectation management, meet quickly etc. he is an optimist I think , and keen to meet someone quickly and 'get off the sites' small fed flag...
Any dates tonight?
Popping in quickly to say onward and upwards for you now Rose, well done, this will be an exciting new start for you.
Snape, holiday sounds fab, hope you are rested and tanned. I can imagine you are missing nameless now you are apart. Oh to be in that situation .
No news here, just licking my wounds and trying to get my head round the fact that this is the end of the road for me and him. I sometimes carn't bear to think of it but I know it has to be. Anyway onwards and upwards for me too as it's the weekend and I will go out on the town if it kills me!!
arm severely bruised, but nothing broken...however i have a sling and DCs will be doing ALL housework for at least 6 weeks.
Good morning everyone.
Tigsy moving house is always emotional, even when you are going on to better things. This is different, eyes forward and open and a whole new set of adventures
48 oh the irony, bless
Rose I do hope you're busy playing with fantasy decoration in your head. Just go easy on the scatter cushions
Afternoon fellow threaders
Just dashing off the sofa to say what fabulous news to rose
or whichever is your preference to says "cheers" to your new life.
Hugs to Tigsy for the emotional shitstorm, but so pleased you are also on your way to the new life (and with Mr EA )
Snape good news on the housework and sending and surreptitious <hand hold> for upcoming post-holiday wibble.
Juliette, OWW and 48 just
Hope those dating have success
<back to the sofa>
Forget to say <sneaky hug> for scrazy and checking in on Kin too.
Post holiday wobble has taken the form of an upload of a pic of nameless and me on my MN photos for the next day or so. Hurry along and have a good nosey if you are so inclined.
Snape, you both look so happy!
Ooo, snape he looks a bit nice! I'm not brave enough to have pictures of me on my profile let alone of anyone else (bitter voice of experience...)
Lovely positive stuff from Snape, 48, Tigsy and Rose. Making me feel all warm inside, wonderful. New things are sounding promising for you too, great stuff. Are you meeting up?
Scrazy sorry things are difficult. Hope you are getting some comfort from knowing you gave it your best shot and that you are definitely doing the right thing, hard though it may seem.
Feeling very positive about life today, not just dating/Alpha, but life generally. See what happens when the sun finally comes out. Was talking to my neighbour last night about how much less shit we will put up with and how better life is when you take control of it, and it's all true. I think from the outside my life probably looks quite difficult and unenviable, but bloody hell I am so much happier than I was with Titto. I feel so much more confident and stronger and I know that nothing at all is going to beat me, and that I don't actually need anything or anyone in my life apart from my dc.
Having said that, I might want someone, but that's an entirely different thing! Alpha is away on business again since yesterday until the middle of next week so I am starting to see that this is the downside here. But I don't want someone I'm seeing every night of the week, don't want to live in anyone's pocket, so with a bit of organisation this could work out okay. We will see. Lots of lovely e-mails and texts, all very nice stuff and getting a little bit flirtier...
Lovely photo Snape - you look so relaxed and happy.
Nora did you decide to make the trip chez Nutkin this weekend? Hope things are going okay with you love.
Lovely happy pic Snape
Is it a full stop now? Scrazy
Yep OWW All is brighter when the sun shines. You know all that talk of patio slabs. Its made start work on replacing my gravel path at the top of the garden. 2x2 slabs are bloody heavy. I am blaming it all on wine if I do my back in.
Hmm. Still pondering this marriage thing.
48 do we need to get the Crash Carp out?
Scazy you tried, he wasn't the right thing for you and you can feel proud that you've made a conscious choice not to settle for anything. It is hard though, sneaky (((hug)))
Snape you both look totally loved up and happy.
What exactly are you pondering about it 48 ?
So lovely to hear about everyone's good news, positively heartwarming.
<sulks slightly at not seeing Nameless and Snape>
Snape good news about your elbow and even better about the children doing the housework.
Tigsy I think there's almost always an element of sadness to moving, I hope it passes quickly and is replaced with pleasure in your new life.
Scrazy I hope you're ok, I know it's hard and shitty, I'm really sorry it didn't work out for you.
OWW it's fantastic to hear you sound so positive, Lovely who ?
Flipper how are you ? I hope you're feeling happier today.
Nope, no Nutkin visiting - EVAH ! He's busy flirting away via text and intermittently tells me that he wants to see me, yeah ? well fun you, motherfunner. It's a fallow period in Noraville.
Hello Twinny, Joy, Rose , Juliette, Kirsty, Bant , Bill , Wine, Yoga, Ike and everyone else, I hope you're all enjoying the bastarding sunshine.
Oh 48, you are an EXPERT, it is no fault of mind if you cause yourself damage
I will catch up on thread stuff later. Dashing about like a blue arsed fly trying to get stuff together for my week of being a student. So far - a box of wine and 2 packets of Malteasers. I know how to pack for every event.
Oh 48, you are an EXPERT, it is no fault of mind if you cause yourself damage
I will catch up on thread stuff later. Dashing about like a blue arsed fly trying to get stuff together for my week of being a student. So far - a box of wine and 2 packets of Malteasers. I know how to pack for every event.
Great pic Snape. He might be nameless but not faceless to us anyway.
The sun is shining and I've got a long weekend so intend to drink lots, go to the pub for more drinks and sunbathe in the day.
Looks like it's full stop now because it's too painful to continue in it's present form. I have to move on.
I have no dating news but I am very excited as I decided this morning that I am heading to Blackpool tonight .. Just got to pack a bag and fill the car .. Got a b&b booked for tonight and tomorrow I am picking up my VIP speedy pass for the Pleasure Beach and I am going to go on all of the roller coasters .. And enjoy a song song on the drive
Delighted that there are so many happy and positive people on here at the mo .. Really great and gives me hope that one of these days I'll feel the same
I have a date after work tonight.. forgot to take my hayfever tablet this morning so I keep sniffing and blowing. Not very attractive
This is a guy I've been talking to for a couple of weeks online, not feeling very confident about myself because my last couple of dates went weird/ignored me!
Yep. Crash carp needed!
Well Kin I not sure I like the the fact that he would only marry me if he thought he had to. Fickle. Me. No
Sorry about Nutkin. His loss.
No expert Wine Just if you want a job doing and all that
Well you gave it your best shot Scrazy
Have a blast Kirsty
48 you don't think he was phrasing it like that in case that was what he thought you wanted to hear ? Especially if he knows you've been pretty much anti-marriage in the past ...
Hello Coral there are better people on here than me to give advice but I think it was Flipper's suggestion that you should always remember that you are the prize.
You know, if you do mention marriage and the other person says they would you can end up married. Just saying.
Scazy you'll do it, you're also allowed to wallow a teensy bit it's very raw still
Kirsty yay for roller coasters. I'm too chicken for that to the extent that I have 'go on a roller coaster' on my bucket list. I did. I won't again
Coral just follow the rules at the beginning of the thread and most of all remember you are the prize
oops I see Kin got there first on the prize thing!
It was my sole contribution Juliette ! . ( it's too hot for me to actually think - <northerner face> )
Can I jump in as a newbie, had first OD on Wed, went well but weird as first date for 14 ish years (going through divorce at mo!)
Ah well. Its only been 6 months. Shall just enjoy the here and now
Welcome, Coral, and Left. Dating does feel a bit weird. Just going and meeting someone who is, in effect, a complete stranger, is a weird thing to do.
Snape, pic is lovely.
48, what a lovely dilemma to be in.
I'm much better, thanks, Nora. Spending a bit of time navel gazing and working out why it affected me so much has done me the world of good. I think mindfulness would say to acknowledge my feelings, and move on, but I do think there is a lesson to be learnt for me. I let my guard down, and went back to old behaviours, and forgot that I was the prize (and, I reckon, virtually the Jules Rimet of prizes, at that).
It's a lovely evening here.
It's all too easy isn't it, to fall back into familiar patterns but I imagine half the battle is in the recognition of it, Flipper
I'm sunburned from my 25 minute walk back from work <impotent fist clench at sun>
And then in the remembering to do something different next time!
Speaking of which, I did something for the first time, yesterday. I rode pillion on a friend's motorbike. He's been offering for a while, as I've never been on a bike, but I've been too scared. It was really good fun, and I would like to do it again, sometime.
I shall be spending as much time in the sun as possible this weekend. Wearing sunscreen, of course.
Glad to hear that Flipper as I've volunteered myself to go on one of Alpha's bikes with him - not something I'd normally do but why not? (Well I can think of a few reasons actually). What do you hold on to?
Ooh Flipper you rascal. (I've been on the Prosecco and St Germain and I think I've just got another message from Personal Chastity Device man )
Naaah, panic over, it was the bloke who thinks that calling me 'super cute' is a winner.
Ha OWW you are about to fall for the oldest trick in the book (at least of a southern European man). Choices are hands hold onto the sea behind you, hands either side of his waist and of course should he choose to go fast or it's cold you'll end up holding very tightly around his waist in a kind of sitting spoon arrangement. He will go fast. He may even take you to his special place, it will be scenic, have a very deep meaning and of course remote .
Haha Juliette I think I will quite happily go along with all that particularly if he takes me to visit to his special place
Indeed, Juliette, I was told that I needed to hold on tighter, so that I didn't get thrown backwards when he accelerated. Otherwise, as you say, there's the back of the seat, but that apparently sits you up straighter, and makes you more likely to get buffeted by the wind, so is not to be recommended...
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You can't be a ladette if you're into Kath Kidston, Rose ...
Indeed Rose after you've bought Cath Kidston drinking from the can is compulsory to add a little edge to your day. I find a CK cushion is always appreciated by the locals having a sip in the park.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Our local bench sitters are bang on trend this season - noticed a couple of Cath Kidston totes recently. Beautifully sized to take a couple of bottles of White Lightning and of course so much more practical than brown paper.
Just had a Nosey on POF .. The men in Blackpool are not better or worse than the Glasgow ones .. <sigh>
Are you all ready for the Pleasure Beach Kirsty?
Ooo, I'd like to go to Blackpool!
So dinner went well. Mr Lovely didn't stay as he has to work early tomorrow. However, the dessert I spent ages making is still sitting in the fridge as we found other things to do...
OWW I am in a b&b drinking wine and eating pretzels .. Perhaps not the best prep for a day on roller coasters ..
title you are welcome to join me!
First date in ....omg can it possibly be 22 years ??tomorrow folks. A bit nervous, but low expectations really so will just enjoy the sunshine and a bit of chat.
Stressing on what to wear, how to do my hair etc.....
Oh god , I think I'm too old for this malarkey!!
Oh an now it's not even tomorrow ...today!
raenbow you are not!! Just go along be yourself and abide by the rules .. Welcome btw x
I'd love to Kirsty However, I've made plans to spend the afternoon with Mr Lovely so don't be offended if I don't?
raenbow mine was my first date in 20 years and in the end I had very little notice so I wasn't able to stress too much. Go with the flow. Wear something you feel comfortable in.
We didn't have the 'exclusive' talk but I'm hoping to tomorrow. I truly get the impression that, for him, it is anyway. I guess what I want to know is whether he's still looking online or not. I'm enjoying it a lot, but if I'm a stopgap then I'd rather know so that I don't invest too much. Because I'm feeling like I could probably do that, and that it wouldn't take much longer for me to invest. I really like him. A lot.
I really admire those of you who actually out there dating. I can't get past three messages - either they are boring or pervy or they just stop messaging me, so I wonder if I am boring or annoying or whatever...
Make room on the sofa
Good luck Raenbow - it will be fine. Think of it as a chat with an acquaintance rather than a date, and also as seeing whether you like him rather than the other way round. I had a twenty year break too!
Mama there are loads of them like that, no reflection on you. Just keep going and you'll find some who are more in tune. Maybe persevere with the "boring" ones a bit longer as they could just be trying to be polite and its coming across a bit wrong.
Title that's exactly how I feel. Exactly. But I'm not going to say anything, still early days.
Help help panic <hyperventilate> <flustered>
Mr Flirt now coming back NEXT weekend. To stay again. And talk about stuff. and we have a weekend away arranged next month
and he's lovely
and it was ever so easy to arrange and he hasn't pissed me off or messed me about
and I think something is happening...
argh not ready for this! but yay it's nice, but argh! but yay!
And breathe, Lubes. You may not feel ready, but you sound excited and happy about it. That's good.
Am in garden, in sunshine, with coffee, listening to Faithless. This is what summer is all about.
Lubes sounds exciting. Timing never works, unfortunately things always crop up ahead of schedule.
Mama I agree, don't take it personally. Some men seem to really hate messaging. I sometimes do too, if you've had a long day chatting away over email when it would be so much easier to talk just feels like a chore. And that can mean I just flake away unless someone has really grabbed me. On what grounds are you discounting the "boring" ones? It's absolutely right to be discerning on who you give your time too, but I have found very little correlation between the quality of messages and fun on the date.
God. It's been the slowest burner ever having known him a long time and including things almost but not quite happening with him just prior to everything going loved up with BC last year. So he's waited all that time... But things seem to have ramped up a gear quite quickly since we had the first night together and then up another gear since last week
and it's long distance AGAIN. Fucksake.
Ok, breathing. It doesn't have to be anything that is something just yet.
But it's so confusing when you start to fall for someone and the natural thing is to want it to be something
I am also very unnerved that I like him enough to not be bothered about the sex issues and just figure we'll get there in the end. That plus advice on previous thread seems to have clicked something into place in my head and now I really, really like him...
I've got a question about profile pictures.
I went to a family do last night, and a cousin took a photo of me and my mum and auntie. I look good in it, which is rare as I'm not generally that photogenic.
So - is it wrong to put that as a profile photo on an OD site (not as my main one) without trimming out their faces? Or does it make me look too much like a mummy's boy?
(note: one of them was eating salmon, I presume that doesn't count as a fish photo)
Bant I'd go for it. Depends on the photo of course but you might find some women think it makes you look caring or something, and able to provide salmon of course.
Lubey wow! .
Bant I think as long as your other photos and profile make it clear that you're not some early middle aged mummy's boy, then go for it. But I so rarely take a good photo that I would probably post one of me in flagrante if I looked good.
The only photos that make me bristle are when someone posts losts of them with other people's kids. I read it as trying too hard to scream "father material, shag me oh simple minded woman."
Bant I wouldn't put it on, unless you really are a mummy's boy?! I immediately discount anyone who has a photo with a woman in it, because I think it shows you are either trying to prove you are not a loner, or you are too lazy/inept to crop the photo, or you are making a statement about how important that person is to you.
I also ignore anyone with kids in their picture as I don't think it fair on the children. Anyone with beer/wine in the picture, also ignored.
I would only consider someone who looks fine as they are, with no props
alittlestranger I decide they are boring (to me) if their message seems flat, or too depressing to answer. Any hint of grumpiness and they are out of there!
Can't imagine why I'm having no luck!?
mama - I don't think you should screen people out if they have alcoholic drinks in the photo - men generally only get photos taken of them either on holiday, usually with either a GF or mates. Or when they're at a social thing, a party or something, at which there will usually be alcohol.
Okay, if they're glugging a bottle of vodka in the photo, fine - but if it's just them holding a glass of wine, you're screening out normal men who aren't necessarily alcoholics, just sociable.
Agreed with the pics with kids though.
But then I dislike cropped photos - I always wonder 'who are they trying to hide?'
Lubey how very exciting ! Joining the loved up group, eh ? I'm very pleased for you, you've had such a time of it over the past year and I think you're well overdue something wonderful.
Bant quite a range of opinions there, I don't set a huge amount of store by photos, I prefer to go by how they communicate but I'd say go for it, or maybe use it for a little while, see who you attract and then review it.
Thanks for encouragement guys!! Am just going to view it as like a work acquaintance !! No pressure!!
Actually just sent text to confirm and he sent one back saying ' who is this' I was thinking . oh my god do I get one back from a wife now!!! Then he sent one saying Haha only joking, so sense of humour box ticked. Really made m e laugh!
Will update later !
One of my photos is cropped to exclude an Up Pompeii style cleavage
Kin... not quite yet but it's definitely heading that way. Gulp.
I tend to screen out people who have profile pictures with alcoholic drinks, I see your point Bant, that men tend to have pictures taken at these times, but even so choosing to include a picture which features drinking suggests that drinking is important to them...or they want to be seen as a person who likes drinking.
I dont drink at all so I'd assume we're not really on the same wavelength.
I would always crop other people out of profile pics, mostly out of consideration to the other people
If you don't drink at all mercury then that's a different story, but generally I wouldn't be at all bothered by a boozy pic. But for me it would just be hypocritical.
I can imagine it's quite a scary feeling Lubey - I'm sure I'd be panicking my arse off.
Kin I am thrilled and terrified... more about how will we work it all out, both busy people and long distance, I have so little time to devote to anything and had not long decided I definitely didn't want anything more than fun. But there is such a massive spark.
Also quite terrifying is that I think he feels the same, certainly acts it and has been utterly lovely and very keen to meet again and keep meeting despite distance etc but what if I'm presuming too much and reading things wrong and... argh argh argh.
I suppose I will know more after next weekend.
Comedy tshirts, fish of any size, flash cars, cycling shorts, lycra of any other kind, pissed up, a beer in every pic, cropped out ex, baseball caps, posing anywhere outside a neon lit bar, anywhere in the Canaries, any pic in Thailandia, kids, football tops, any leisurewear you could buy in Sports Direct. I don't need to mention Speedos as a special category, do I?
Have to be something special to overcome motorbike leathers, trainer sandals or windsurfing.
So basically, Juliette , no real preferences at all
Lubey I can imagine you must be a mass of conflicting emotions, especially with the long distance element ( I always think that's do-able as long as you're both committed to each other ) but I really, really think you've earned a little time not fretting about practicalities, just relishing a measure of happiness.
(I sometimes don't even look at all the photos a man has , if I particularly like him - chances are they're him in a Federal Body Inspector t-shirt, speedos,Argyle socks, boat shoes and presenting a 26 lb trout to his dear old mum, gawd bless 'er, on holiday in Bangkok, aren't they ? )
Kin, thanks... yes. You're right. I must stop fretting. I was in danger of needing the emergency crash carp then.
I shall fondle instead of fretting. New motto Fondling is the new fretting.
I seem to remember that fondling is fun, you get stuck in.
Lubey you have always been good at fun, this is also fun it's just got the potential to be mega fun which you didn't think you signed up for. The long distance could work to your advantage, you wouldn't have to have him in situ on your sofa as well as your bed (which is in fact what a lot of relationships turn into very quickly because it is easier than making the effort to go out and have a good time too). You like him lots and he likes you lots, all is possible.
Kin I'd forgotten about the boat shoes. Argyle socks are also something i didn't think I had to mention so I now have to add Tweed Jackets with double vents. I've realised this has turned into a long list of 'things I put up with in order to give them a chance'
Yes Juliette that's precisely the reason I don't look at all the photos, fear that a glimpse of a rogue pair of Clarkson jeans or a mullet (business in the front, party in the back) will extinguish my libido entirely .
First link - fookin' hell.
Second link - oh my good god.
I must admit to having quite a high tolerance for dodgy clothes and shoes - not sportswear though, ever, unless for the purpose of actually playing a sport, or things with writing on. Otherwise I'm generally fine. I am not very fashionable myself though so maybe that helps as I hope they will overlook some of my fashion choices too ...
Arf at link 1 - phone wont let me open link 2 as it deems it unsuitable so I am fearing the worst.
Lubes it sounds fab - enjoy it and stop whittling!
raenbow good luck!!
lubey sounds ace
Have arranged to speak to that chap again (can call him TW) that I spoke to on Thurs night for 2 hours tomorrow night, and meet up on Thurs probably
Had a text from the disappearing consultant apologising and explaining life issues. Wasn't really bothered which was good, although a 2nd date would have been nice, he may be back in touch but equally may not!!
Good luck any other dates tonight!!
Oh and on the photo thing I always feel too bad to post a pic if others are in it (esp the kids) but cropped pics dont always look great esp as all mine are taken on my phone..
I don't mind alcohol in a pic, but a beer bottle in the background rather than a swaying pic with a pint ifyswim..
Lubey, don't fret lovely. I agree with the others it's lovely to hear you speak of someone like this, I'm pleased for you.
Having a break from sunbathing after being for a lovely walk today. I'm going out tonight, yay! Also have plans for the next 3 Saturday nights out.
Hi everyone, I was wondering if I could ask if you do online dating which you'd recommend?
Hi Queen I like Match (paying) and PoF (free) but a lot depends on age and area. There are some other sites which are good if you live in a city but a bit rubbish for people in the sticks like me.
Are you thinking of putting a profile up?
Welcome Queen as OWW says it really depends on age and area, it varies wildly depending on your demographic. I never had a single date from Match or Match Affinity, not even a message on Match Affinity. OkCupid suited me best and I met some lovely people, but I'm in a big city. POF was too much like hard work sorting through the dross for me. Suggest you avoid eHarmony at all costs as they match you
with inappropriate people and you have no choice in the matter.
Hiya! I'm back to ask for advice if that's okay?
I've met someone through a friend and we've been texting since and he mentioned that he used to use POF. I said that I used to as well but have deleted my account because all I attracted were nutters. He said he no longer goes on it either.
So, I'm horribly suspicious of men because of my ex so I had a nosy and under his profile on the search it says "online today" so he clearly does go on it still. I've checked a couple of days (yes stalk stalk) since he said it and every day he's "online today".
Obviously he's told a porky about not using it anymore but I don't like lies when they aren't necessary. I'm not bothered that he's on it but the fact that he lied about something so minor and said he didn't go on anymore has bothered me
Am I reading too much into a little lie or is this a sign that he would lie about bigger things if something so unimportant is lied about?
I know I'm probably over thinking for someone I don't know that well but so far we have got on so well (which is rare for me!) that I do want to analyse it
Hi all, not been even thinking about dating for ages, so decide summer is the right time to try again, unhide profile on pof and get two 'hi' and several want to 'meet' me. Sent two messages one serious one frivolous and no response from either. One of the 'gentlemen' I sent a message to I know vaguely in real life but still no replies. It seems men my age want to date younger women, does this mean I have to contact older men to stand a chance?
Hi there - thanks for the reply.. I've been on POF before and dated someone from there for over a year. Back to it, and in the sticks of East Kent so big city ones aren't going to work.. Worried about going on POF again as I know ex will be on there!
Am adding to my list of people to reject: anyone who states their IQ
I think this generally means they are unhappy with their job and need to prove they are better than that. Seems rather bitter.
I agree, actually it is probably not a good plan to rule out all pictures with a drink in. Especially as I'm sat here with a glass of wine!
Mama are there really people who state their IQ on their profile ? Bloody hell, that's a bit tragic.
<rushes to delete '53' from profile>
Had a really lovely afternoon with Mr Lovely but I chickened out of having the talk. I think if I'm being totally honest thst I'm worried about the answer. I think it might be too late - I might already be a little bit invested. Hell, probably more than a little bit
I really like him. He's so different from my ex in many many ways. He makes me laugh, he seems to think I'm sexy, he likes spending time with me. He is considerate about the fact that I have to be cautious re the kids. He's lovely, but also filthy
and very well endowed . What more could I want?!
KinNora there really are!
I discovered long ago on OD that everyone thinks the are intelligent
Well, not sure where I should post - here or on the being single thread.
Mills and boon man asked for a second chance and I gave him a second chance - everyone deserves that, don't they? Naddah. He blew it, quickly fell back into sort of 'sexting' which I ignored and then on Thursday night we were going for dinner and he cx an hour before because "I don't think I can do this ice lady. I'm a warm and loving guy and there's something about me which isn't right for you".
Fair enough I thought (even though I was all ready to go out). Then yesterday evening I get another text "sorry I did that, had shit day at work, didn't mean it blah blah blah give me another chance.
Er, no pal. No chances left for you. More texts - "Do you never reconsider? Ignore me then, I deserve it, I'm such a twat". Yes, you are.
Today. DAte with geeky guy. He talked and talked and talked and talked and ..he was well trendy but did you ever date a guy who you thought could be gay? Even though they'd been married, kids etc? Had a lovely man-bag which I couldn't help but compliment him on. He looked quite pleased.
I'm back at home, my make-up isn't smudge by snogging, my hair isn't all ruffled up.
Where the fuck am I going wrong?!!!!!!
No answers from me Wisey, I'm afraid ( by rights I should be being felt up in the East Midlands round about now - not just a euphemism ) have a Pimms and a piece of my Lindt raspberry chocolate.
Kin, ready mixed pimms for me to drink while I wait for my taxi.
No third chances for anyone. Second only if you really like them.
Right, you lot are honoured as I've actually fired up the PC so I can type properly instead of pecking away on the phone
plus I want to write a nice long e-mail to Alpha
I am on the Pimms too - just that kind of day. Anyone tried the special edition blackberry and elderflower one? And what was the name of that elderflower liqueur that you make Twinkles or Sparkles or whatever out of? I have a bit of a yen for it in this hot weather.
Wisey what a tool! Absolutely no chances any more ever. I am becoming a lot less tolerant and would give maybe one chance but that would be it, end of. The other bloke, hmm I have a friend like that, lovely as a friend, not really a hot date. He has man bags and little covers for his phone that he changes on a regular basis to match in with his outfit du jour, and me I just CBA with all that.
Title my default and usual gut reaction is if in doubt, say nowt. I think this is one of those situations where it will all become clear as time goes on. It seems like he's doing everything right and the only flags are the green ones, so just carry on as you are. I think he will say something before too long. I know it's bloody difficult though as it would be nice to have some comfort that you're not on a hiding to nothing, but I think I'd try and just leave it a while.
Queen - sod the ex. He is your EX which means tough titty if he sees you on a dating site. What's he going to do about it? Nothing.
Daisy sorry but sending two messages is nothing. Just go online one evening when you have an hour or so to spare and message at least half a dozen possibles (if you can find that many). Also, you being online will bump you up on the Who's Online section so more people will see you and message you. I think the trick with PoF is to keep logging in and out and that really helps to get the messages going as you are much more visible. I don't think it's an age thing, just a numbers thing. I am quite lucky I suppose as I don't tend to go for younger men so haven't had a problem with only messaging older men, so can't really help there.
Amy - he could have been online doing all sorts - checking messages, having a quick look around if he was bored at work, replying to someone he's got friendly with on there (as opposed to a dating-type person) - which to him might not count as he's not actually setting up dates or anything. I'd be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt here. On the other hand, he could be trying to pull the wool over your eyes, so it's probably best to keep your wits about you and see if anything else like this happens again.
Raenbow where's the loo update??????
Strong you're making me smile with all these classes of rejects.
Bant probably not - couldn't you crop them and just have yourself looking foxy? I'm not a fan of Other People on profile shots as a general rule.
OWW I was looking for the special edition elderflower Pimms today and bloody Waitrose didn't have any, I mean what is the point of being exiled down south if you can't get access to poncey southern drinks ? Sheesh. The elderflower liqueur is St Germain - mmmmm.
I think I've gone native.
They have it in our scuzzy northern Tesco Nora - hope it'll be reduced soon as it didn't seem to be very popular. All the normal Pimms had gone so I had to get something called Jeeves which is actually acceptable
and very cheap need to find StG tomorrow - that can be my Sunday challenge.
Forgot to mention he had a cover for his phone and camera. Pink and black.
Under the affluence of incohol ( not Pimms) I'm pretty well fed up with OD.
What a bleeding irony that DD has just 'accepted' and wants me to 'get out there' dating, I want to chuck it all in <huffs off>
I know, I could only find one bottle of the normal stuff today, I think there must have been a Wimbledon related stampede for it. Pah, again.
Wisey that's because OD is 96.4% absolute bobbins, sit on the sofa for a bit.
OWW I didn't read your post until just now when I came on to say that the conversation has been had! Everything is ok, we're on the same page
So now I feel safe to have a congratulatory whoop whoop! It feels most bizarre - I only signed up to match in May, yet here I am feeling mighty positive about my one and only date so far. Its not what I expected at all, but I'm not complaining. I hope it continues well, but I'm going to try my best to stand a little bit back.
Its going to be hard though. I like him an awful lot. Today was great - lunch, drinks, canalside walk. Lots ofchat but lots of companiable silences too, which wereawkward at all, just peaceful and chilled.
Happy, happy days
Which WEREN'T awkward at all...
Oh, and I have a bottle of pimms here
Hi all didn't get to loo and then he drove me home and as I was so late went straight out with friends!!
A good afternoon I think he seemed a real nice guy, really polite, honest ( some ' out there' questions) but we chatted for ages in pub then had coffee . When he dropped me off he didn't mention repeat but said he had a good afternoon. I thought oh well that's it . then later got text - had a great time lets meet again soon. Was with girlfriends so we spent 20 mins constructing reply which was casual yet interested in equal measures.
Oh god not sure if 2nd date is worse as I was a bit meh about it . (: he's away this week on business so will have to wait till he's back . Not sure how I feel. We had fun I just think I'm sooooo out if practice!!!! And possibly avoiding any emotional attachment at this stage. A friend asked do you fancy him??? Not sure she asked does he repulse you ? Definitely not. But not sure where in the middle I am .
Over thinking again ???
Online dating is 96.4% bobbins.
Over it can take a while with some people to know either way whether they fancy someone, with others it's immediate. I am in the latter, although with Lab I was (ie, I was intrigued by him) until I kissed him. What type do you think you are?
Title you are one of the OD lottery winners! I am thrilled for you. Send me some of your good luck.
Wisey <hug> WFF budges up on sofa making room for Wisey.
OWW Alpha sounds lovely, fingers crossed for you.
Morning Twinny and Newstart
Apologies can only do current page mention, as rushing to go out this morning.
I hope all is well and continues to be well.
fuzzy perhaps now is the time to be entering the national lottery then?! Basically I asked if he was still online and looking? Because I really like him and I'm not looking. That I want to see where this goes. So I'd rather know if he was because I dont want to get hurt finding out later. I told him I wouldn't feel comfortable arranging other dates and that I didn't want to. I also told him I wasnt planning our retirement together or anything, just in case he thkhght I was looking at wedding venues or anhthjng daft...!!
So I'm happy and positive and actually looking forward to things
My mother came home Tuesday. It has not been easy. Spent nearly all day there yesterday. Mum was in a a state, took me hours to get her calm. I am dreading being back at work next week and not on hand to help. I was feeling pretty crap last night.
Which brings me to Mr R&R and his Mother. A potential deal breaker for me. He spent wednesday night at his parents, also went over friday afternoon as she wanted something doing in the garden that couldn't wait until saturday, he had already planned to go for the weekend.
He knew I was upset, but no way could he even offer to come over and see me as his Mother would of gone ballistic and not spoken to him for weeks. He has told me this is how their relationship has alway been. I didn't expect him to come, its more the fact that he couldn't. Am I being unreasonable about this?
Sorry for the me, me post.
Title how lovely to hear that it's all going so well for you, I think someone said yesterday that as well as obviously being fantastic for you, it gives the rest of us hope that good things do happen.
48 I'm sorry to hear that about your mum, what's her care package like ?
As for R&R, that kind of business is always hard (one of the myriad issues I had with exh was his failure to deal with his overbearing harpy of a mother ) - you have such a great relationship with him, have you told him how that made you feel ?
Brilliant stuff Title, really chuffed for you. Sounds perfect, it really does.
Wisey we're just holding out for the other 3.6%. You've probably got your stats spot on!
WFF have a great day out.
Raen could be worth a second date to see if he's a grower. It can happen!
All is well here, drinking coffee in the sun and contemplating tackling the jungle masquerading as my back garden. Life is good.
48 sorry to hear about your mum. Is her partner at home with her? Must be really hard.
The R&R stuff - could it seem worse because you're feeling low and stressed about your mum? It's not great, but I'd say for me it wouldn't be enough to finish such a wonderful relationship over. Hugs to you love, hard times.
Kin Mums care package is not great. Our chosen private care company couldn't commence with the level of care we require for a few more weeks yet. But the hospital were pushing mum out wether we were ready or not. At the moment we have waking night care, and 4 visits per day. The care company are shite though. Honestly its a fucking nightmare.
I have spoken to Mr R&R before, it is difficult because his mother is in her 80s now. It makes me go into 'fuck you, who needs ya' mode. It doesn't help that he is the youngest and only boy. He has said he feels bad for all the crap that has happened over the years, even though none of it has been his fault. Honestly. Grow a fucking pair!
Crossed post OWW Yes her partner is there, but he is not the sort to phone care company and get them back as I had to yesterday. Surrounded by fucking men without any balls!
Gotta get over mums now.
Really hard with parents 48, sorry it's so hard ypur mym. my ex in laws were v v clingy and intrusive so get that one. The were inclusive too, the 'love' was over whelming at times, anyway as soon as we split my father in law won't even look my way!! Love, ha!!
Hope mr r&r realises how to prioritise his life.. Might take him a while to see its necessary but he has always sounded level headed and fair...
Raenbow sounds worth a 2nd date but don't pin hopes? Or maybe arrange a phone call?
Sorry for all those I've missed, I did like you getting out your lap top oww!
You guys have some great things to say
Still speaking to TW - he seems very keen, need to get. Sitter sorted for wed or thurs..
Sounding really good New. I like keen - but not too keen. Gawd I'm a fussy mare. Alpha is keen though and is secure enough to show it which I really like - none of this second-guessing, mixed messages or does he/doesn't he stuff which I found so difficult with LM. Do you think you'll be able to get a sitter okay?
48 so sorry to hear your Mum's care needs so much vigilance. Must be hard for you and them.
With R&R the difficult parents thing can be overwhelming and eventually just lays there like a weight. He's probably taking the line of least resistance because its easier, she's not going to change now and 4 weeks is a long time for the guilt ridden to bear when a parent is 80.
Suggest saying you understand with a side order of extra spelling it out for being a bit crap, then leave him to it.
Hope your Mum settles soon x
Mum is good Rocket up care companys ass did the trick, for now.
To be fair Mr R&R did check with me before confirming arrangements, he just doesn't seem to get that the situation with my mum is a roller coaster ride. To make matters worse no reception where his parents live so not heard a dickey bird.
I know its difficult for him the way his mother is, will go with your advice Juliette
Never bloody easy is it.
Quick little check in from my residential school.
I may have had sexual intercourse with a tutor last night. Erm, oops?
(Will catch up on thread later)
Wine excellent, you're getting good results already
Wine just .
Hello everyone else.
OWW adding another class of rejects: anyone with doctor in their username. Either the person IS a doctor and their profile requires propping up with their profession or the person IS NOT a doctor and is therefore misleading you
(in fact a carpet salesman still living with his wife who thought he liked the way it sounded... )
wine that is very impressive...
Laid on me bed now as I am DONE IN.
I have no idea how last night happened. We'd clocked him at the start of the day (as had every other woman here I reckon). We were all talking (mostly me obvs ). We have shitloads in common, it is quite bizarre. Everyonr went at 2am and er yeah . I haven't spoken to him today (as it'd be a bit obvious I think) and I copped out of the social event this eve as I am so ill (free wine ugh). We shall see what tomorrow brings!
My life is never dull it seems
Wine, these things happen. The best way to evaluate it is does it make you or cringe. If it's the former then fine, happy memories, you've still got it.
I'm sat with a towel round me and nothing else on, think I've overdone the topping up my tan, Ouch, I'm sore.
Oh and how do you deal with the missing talking to someone? I really am. We talked every day . I know I've done the right thing to not see him anymore but.....
scrazy yeah I'm somewhere in the middle I think. We shall see what tomoro brings I think. Sadly (tmi alert) mother nature has decided to chuck a visit at me so more educational shagging will be off the agenda till at least Thurs. Plus I don't wanna get him sacked. Or be stabbed in my sleep by another student as I think he has quite a fan club.
Missing talking to someone is so so so hard. I found that if I mixed my routine up a bit so I was doing something different to normal when we used to communicate it helped. Also weirdly helped that we moved offices bang after, strange but helped stuff along.
I'm on my own a bit too atm, so that isn't helping. But yes, I should change my routine.
Lubey know just how you feel - I was in that place emotionally about 6 weeks ago & thought I would have a nervous breakdown. It will either work or it won't but you have to give it a chance.
My current anxiety with Meet Up Guy is it too soon? I split with ex in Feb & met him in April. There was big article yesterday in Times ( though why should I believe anything funded by Mr R Murdoch? ) which stated "Thou Shalt Wait Two Years After Split Before Starting a Relationship". Probably not bad advice generally, but surely there are exceptions? I am constantly examining my emotions/ libido about my motivations, but, bottom line - he is a great guy, we share a sense of humour, great sexual compatibility, general lifestyle/values similar, so why wait two years?
Any thoughts on this gratefully received.
scrazy Ah no that's not good. It sounds a bit lame but sometimes just asking mate if they mind you texting them chatty stuff more often can help, bit of human interaction.
Went to Mr Tutor's lecture a bit ago. He kept talking directly at me and I got a tad embarrassed. I am just so cool.
Sorry Moan, meant to say, don't take much notice of what you read. Do you feel it with Meet up guy? If so then continue.
Proper awkward scrazy, we have mumbled an awkward hello earlier but it is very very awkward indeed! I'm always with someone so it is tricky. I'll probs speak to him tomoro when I'm pissed. I am shiiiiiiiit .at this stuff
Scrazy thanks for that - need reassurance - All is well.
Saw something cheesy on facebook 'I'd rather have a life of 'Oh well's' than 'What if's'' something like that but it's a good motto.
Too hot to sleep.
Night all x
wine go girl!!
I have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle .. As mr FriendofFriend has been on holiday and I have had about 3 texts from him in over a week I decided to go onto POF just for a bit of banter .. I've ended up with a coffee date for tomorrow night with a guy who seems nice but I am pretty sure I won't fancy him and also I feel bad about mr FriendofFriend .. As it is a RL going out sort of thing I think and although he hasn't been in touch much I know he likes me a lot through our mutual friend .. Once Mrniceguy started messaging me I didn't really know how to politely bow out and he is talking about meeting someone to go on holiday with etc .. I feel like a baaad person
fuzzy hear hear. I'm roasting!
I also can't stop thinking about a certain man It's very nice, don't get me wrong, but its almost as if having the chat and getting a positive response has given my emotions free rein So now, instead of just going with the flow, I'm almost more stressed and wound up than I was before!
I don't think I'll ever be satisfied!
I think having kids (and them needing to be in utter ignorance at the mo) could well be a very good thing. It's forcing me to keep it slow because I can't see as much of him as I'd like. Does that make sense?
Title, yes it does make sense as the DC's and their needs come first and always will. Anyone else needs to fit in and not take up too much of your valuable time and emotions.
Kirsty, if it doesn't 'feel' right then don't do it. You are in control. It's difficult though as he might be really nice in RL, but instinct is telling you differently isn't it?
Roasting is the word, I've really burnt today, stupid me didn't put any sunscreen on and I've been in the garden in my bikini for a couple of days thinking that my tan from my hols will have given me protection. DOH! Supped a bottle of wine so hope it makes me sleep in this heat. I'm on hols from work tomorrow and am going out somewhere with DD.
Also Kirsty, 3 text if someone is on holiday abroad is good contact .
scrazy Mr FriendofFriend is in the UK!! Last I heard from him was Wed and before that was Saturday .. And he's not back till this Saturday
kirsty he might just not want to appear pushy. I'd go with what he has told your mate and see how it goes when you meet. I'd go on that date anyway - you never know!
Hangover free zone today
Kirsty, I think the contact level is about right for early days.
Slight hangover here, got a day off so heading to the seaside this afternoon. Had a booty call last night, as if, DD is living with me and it was late. Pity though as I really need to move on even if it is just a meaningless fling for starters. See if he tries to make an effort to actually arrange something, then I might go.
Morning, all. (DS has uni audition today, so am hanging around to take him to it.)
Title re: DCs, yes, that does make sense. Mine are older, but need to be kept in dark due to me filing to divorce their father on grounds of adultery & do not wish to appear hypocritical. It means we see each other a bit less than we would wish to, but gives us that bit of space to progress matters at a steady pace.
RL dinner with friends + Meet Up guy - will report back - he is nervous but I said just be your usual charming self!
wine have you seen the tutor again?
kirsty I have literally just spotted him but I was heading off in a diff direction with my partner (resi partner). I imagine I'll speak to him later aided by booze methinks. Tricky speaking to him as I'm always with someone and it is rather awkward anyway
hello everyone! wow exciting times it seems all round!
i had a date yesterday! broke my pof virginity. this is someone who contacted me first last week and i genuinely felt he could be interesting. my new policy of "don't just accept anyone" is quite hard to cling to, sofa can get dull! but all the "meh" and "give him a chance" dates take their toll after a while.
was a good one too. european chap so quite sophisticated (SORRY Bant ). extended from "lets have a look at an art gallery" at 3pm to midnight.
interesting change of rhythm as i'm fairly used to "bring on the ultra chemistry and get physical "
and i'm keen for a lover
but although i felt there was a mutual attraction, no groping or owt (end of night i picked a bar with a SOFA so we could sit close, whilst drinking cocktails, with a RECORD PLAYER on playing motown and ......nowt? conversation great though)
did feel a bit like he was out with a corporate client, and was doing a reserved "hmmm, analysis of potential" thing with me. he's a fairly high earning never been married type, so i think "lets get just randomly sloshed and gropey and see what happens" might not be in his mindset. also he is new to town, so might just be looking for a "activity companion" - he seemed quite taken by the fact that i am comfortable in an art gallery and know opera--but i want some cock--.
we left it at exchange of standard "very nice to meet you, hope to see you after X work thing". will "watch this one with interest" i think!
and my scandinavian contact has not e-mailed yet? will the viking fantasy be revived?
Bant if pic is nice put it on but crop it? i do get a bit freaked out by other people's faces in pictures.
kirsty i feel you on the "meh" coffee dates with Mr Nice But There's No Way I Fancy You! they steal your soul. can you make an excuse?
winefiend high five
snapespeare lovely beautiful pic, hope your arm is ok
MoanRanger if it feels right it feels right. re: Times article, i NEVER take any "dating advice" given by mainstream newspapers/mags, its a bit like "spin written by ill informed people who have bollocks lives themselves to make the reader feel insecure". i think stuff like this thread or even blogs with "reader contributions" a lot more helpful and accurate.
lorna 'but I want some cock' major strike through fail there
Mhmmmm I am starting to get irritated by not being able to discuss this odd scenario. I have a feeling I might not be able to later either as there's a do on across the way plus always drinking going on here so not sure where he'll be. Not even sure what I want to discuss! Maybe just to rid the awkwardness when we pass each other as I have a feeling he might think I've told folk as we are usually laughing when we see him (not deliberately, I'm just reet amusing obvs).
Ha Wine what a start to your course! Do you think you want a repeat, or best to leave it? Could be a bit difficult for him with student:teacher relationship, am quite surprised at him doing this, irresistable as you are, as surely it's against his code of conduct.
Moan agree with Lorna here totally. If you both feel right about it, then it's right. How can there be a one size fits all rule for how long it takes to recover from the end of a relationship and be ready for a new one? Some people will be ready immediately, some even two years would be too short. Hope the dinner goes well.
Kirsty I'd go, I think, but maybe stay off the sites to avoid temptation. I can imagine exactly how this came about!
Scrazy who's booty calling you then? Hope you're feeling a bit less burned and having a good day. It does leave a big gap in your life and the trick is distraction, displacement and changing routine. It's hard, but time
and a new man is the only cure.
Lorna what was said at the end of the date about a repeat performance? I am a
newly converted fan of taking things slowly, and maybe he is being respectful of you and wants to get to know you before taking things further. If you think there was a mutual attraction, that sounds good, worth another date I think.
Having said that about taking things slowly, am getting very frustrated about Alpha being away until the middle of the week, then me being busy for a few nights when he comes back. So it's looking like it will be next weekend before we can meet up, although we are hoping to be able to find an hour or so earlier in the week. Difficult with travel, work, babysitters aaargh. He is keeping in good contact though so could be a lot worse. It's just really frustrating!
OWW hmmm I am not sure, that is part of the reason I need to speak to him really, to decide. He's not my regular tutor if that makes sense, there's just a load here to facilitate sessions (ooer). Amusingly myself and my resi partner were pissed off we didn't have him as ours when we got here. Good lord how awkward that would have been It probs does go against some sort of code of conduct thing though I imagine.
I had a bit of time to think about it last night as I buggered off to bed really early. On paper realistically if I were wanting a relationship of sorts, he would more than fit the criteria (obvs I'm not thinking owt is gonna come of this anyway) but for some reason I am just . I think the fact I stayed in last night when that was a chance to talk says a lot. Don't think it's him mind, more me being avoidant with all that stuff, which has quite surprised me. He was very taken with me too (prior to the knobbing as well I mean) which I have noticed with the last few men I have found offputting.
Uh oh, I appear to have ISHOOOOOOS
OWW well i had to walk home and he went home about midnight (both of us alone). kiss on cheek from me.
i texted when i got in just "got home safe, sleep well!", then he texted back 3 texts - one was "glad you got hom ok" then "i had a really nice time today" then "hope to see you when i am back from X work trip abroad".
so i texted back "same here, good night." it was LATE.
so "overall" positive vibe, but i'm thinking just wait for contact now as i've indicated positive vibes?
i think i don't want to date someone where i have to remind them of my existence, and i certainly wasn't giving any mixed signals about whether or not i was enjoying the date or his company. i mean i don't like projecting "awestruck" but generally was fairly appreciative of the restaurant he picked etc (because it was nice - cheap and cheerful asian food but that is my favourite!)
argh. now LOOKING at it i didn't actually put in writing "will see you when you are back from X".
When is he away Lorna? Could be an idea to send him a quick text before he goes, just for the avoidance of doubt, as I'm not sure how he would have taken your reply.
well he flies off on thursday, but has local work travel before then . fucking schedules.
yeah, good point, i'm thinking along same lines?
just send a general "chat" text like "have a safe journey" on Thursday if he hasn't sent one himself by then, to keep communication open? i think without the late night text exchange last night i'd have sent a "hope to see you again some time" one today but now it feels a bit excessive?
(or i could just go back to his flat and stand outside in a trenchcoat over underwear, shouting his name! )
AND AS I WROTE THE ABOVE POST HE TEXTED!
this is like "live dating updates" channel!
Just having a silent scream re my Mum. Involves the usual not listening to anything I've said, her taking over instructions to someone and all doom and gloom because the neighbours say so. I have now taken steps to put things right so it's done but I now want to smoke [sad
Off to an outdoor meeting this evening, should be fun.
Hey juliette I am really sorry to hear that .. Don't smoke though think of how well you've done by having given up for so long .. You will never change her x
Well mutual friend mentioned mr FriendofFriend's check in on Facebook .. But despite the fact that he invited me to be a FB friend I don't see it or any other posts ( I assumed he didn't post) .. He has put me on a restricted list I reckon .. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about my date tonight with Mr Niceguy
I know I know .. Facebook is the work of the devil before anyone else says it ...
Hi all, posting as a sad woman who has just been let again, 4 years of online dating, never actually got to the meeting part, sucks!!!
Kirsty sod FB!! Enjoy yourself tonight, it'll be a pleasant night out if nothing else.
Excellent timing Lorna!
Hello and welcome Louly. What's stopped you with meeting up with anyone? Sorry you've been let down - there are a lot of flakes and disappearers out there.
Western, it always falls flat before hand, i was meant to be meeting someone in 2 weeks, but he sent me a message to say hes met someone else. That was nearly 8 weeks wasted.
My honest opinion Louly is that you're waiting far too long to meet up. A week or so of chatting, then arrange a date if you like the sound of him. Doesn't need to be anything fancy, just a coffee or a quick drink to see if you like each other in the flesh. Do you tend to feel a bit nervous about meeting?
Well Juliete Took your advice. We ended up having a 4am soul baring talk on phone last night.
He is coming over later. All is well in camp R&R.
Mum had another good day too
Waves to thread. Must prepare myself
Western, he also decided to wait, and we have kids and things to consider, he wanted to wait, i was willing to do it sooner.
Sounds great 48. Really glad it's sorted.
I think someone who is delaying meeting for that long is stringing you along Louly and if you come across this behaviour in future then I'd be wary. Are you chatting to a few men at the same time? That way, if one falls through you've got others there and yours not back to square one again.
Western, i didnt actually intend to do the Online thing again, many bad experiences have put me off doing it much, i met the guy on here actually, kinda accidently.
Keep us posted lorna hope he does what he says - always helps I find haha...
FB is hideous, and people use it to 'communicate' hideousness.. Is also weird how can see some peoples comments on other thing etc but not always.. Don't understand it. Have deleted my 'painful' fb 'friend'
wine how long is the course? Sorry am out of loop... Gut feel always the one...
Everyone else, hello, hope you're surviving the heat!
Well I was right that I wouldn't fancy him .. Bit of a poor me.. Too tired to do anything after work .. A bit shiny . Shiny lips.. Watery eyes .. Wanted to see me again I said 'eehhhhh .. No sorry' .. Ah well there's still Mr FriendofFriend on Saturday and I find him a bit attractive
Oh that was quick Kirsty and I can see why! Good on you saying no, I find that so difficult. Saturday will be great you know.
Good on you kirsty it's better to be honest..
Well, that ends your dilemma, Kirsty, and bodes well for Mr FoF.
I'm afraid I'm going to be all me me me again, because I really feel like I've done something wrong.
I was feeling much better over the weekend, having been dragged to the pub to watch the tennis on Friday, by friends who knew I was feeling fed up, then having a friend over to visit, but am feeling down about Mr 3DD again. Not that he's seeing someone else, that actually doesn't bother me - I knew where I stood, and barely knew him enough to like him rather than just fancy him physically - but that I now feel like I'm not good enough to be a friend, or that I've done something hideously wrong to make him think I'm a weirdo to be avoided.
I know some people have lots of friends, and don't need any more (though I don't actually understand it) but we did seem to get on well. I've wondered if he was worried about giving me the wrong impression, after we kissed, and has perhaps felt a bit uncomfortable, but there was conversation and banter, instigated by him, after that. He text within 10 minutes of me leaving his the second time I was around there (when there was no kissing). It really does look as though I got dropped when Pretty Blonde appeared. Any alternative theories? Are some people really like that?
I've realised that I feel like I used to at school, when you realise that the cool kid only wants to talk to you because there's no one else around. I think this is why I'm still agonising over it, when it's really not such a big deal. Aaargghhhh!!!!
On a brighter note, 2 out of 3 messages on OKC are from guys who are at least 10 years younger than me.
flipper he just wasn't for you .. Someone better will come along ... And you seem lovely to me .. The cool kids aren't always the ones who live happily ever after you know .. Maybe if you've not got a big circle of friends you should try meet up like some of the others on here ??
Thanks, Kirsty. Like I said, I'm not that fussed that he's not interested romantically (well, a bit, but hey, who isn't a little disappointed if they don't get asked on a second date). I've thought about meet ups, because most of my close friends are at least an hour away, but actually I'm quite happy with my friendship circle. I don't think I have a problem making friends usually!
You're absolutely right, though, if he doesn't want to be friends, that's his loss. For some reason, that I can't fathom, I'm struggling to shake this off, though, and it's making me feel needy and insecure. I haven't felt like this in years. Work is pretty stressful at the moment, so perhaps it's just that making me feel insecure.
Well had second date with someone i met through OD, first person I have met actually and first date in over 13 years!
First date went ok but I was very nervous, had a quick kiss at the end, lots of texts and phone calls each eve since then then we had second date this weekend, few more kisses etc.
Since then we have still been texting lots and talking everyday but as I haven't dated for so long and never through OD I am wondering what is the kind of norm for the way things progress. I am also finding it a bit strange as apart from a few flings when I was a student, all my past relationships have developed from friendships or through mutual friends so I always had a good idea of what the other person was like. Makes for a more interesting time but equally I keep getting the feeling that he could be totally a different person from the one I think I am chatting to, is that just all down to a matter of time?
48 good to hear all is well
Flipper it could be that he viewed you as more a romantic prospect than 'just' a friend. In that case, it would be a bit natural to withdraw now that he has the blonde in tow--until the novelty wears off--. Given that you are very local, he probably imagines some sort of street brawl where women are fighting over him and Helen Mirren turns up yelling "leave it Flip, he's not worth it"
This will pass, I reckon as soon as you get a diversion.
Flipper you project dudeness, meh to Mr 3DD. I think some men are pretty but lack "social thoughtfulness" skills. Not saying this makes them non fanciable or not nice to look at (ha ha ha ) but just not having that skill of "ok i am in other persons shoes what is considerate behaviour?".
porridgecarver you have to just roll with the uncertainty i think, at least for a period of time?
i don't think its possible to date someone from the "strangers" stage WITHOUT a few nights of feeling or unless either you don't care about them so their actions don't count, or you're a bit shut down emotionally, and I don't think either is a desirable state! i been dating for YEARS including OD and was still in a tizzy tonight about arranging 2nd meet with someone.
good luck for your second date btw
Well I had my chat with Mr Tutor today. Earlier in the eve, I had a bit of a word with myself as I just thought "hmmm now he is fit, but I am not feeling the need to go over there and rip his clothes off, I ddon't like that." Plus his laugh is annoying goofy (I know, I am shallow).
Later on I finally got to speak to him on his own and just said y'know, it is what it is, I don't want it to be awkward, I haven't told anyone (except I have ). His response was that it needn't be awkward and he feels 'really guilty' as he got hammered and snogged someone last night. My response was to laugh and ask why he didn't shag her. Odd. Why would be tell me that? He said he 'wanted to be honest.' Strange man. I basically told him it isn't an issue and I am open to a repeat, perhaps (as i probs would if i were pissed again). Fuck knows why he told me. Oddness. I reckon he is a player though but the 'can we stay and cuddle for longer (I wanted to get up, out and have a fag the morn after)' was weird.
Ehhh gawd knows but I am going with my initial gut which says that I need to stop thinking that meeting someone who likes identical stuff to me makes them a good plan (as they are so rare).
Plus, the barman here is really cute (clocked him within hours of getting here) and we've been flirting earlier this eve (I have until Fri aft here).
just , hope you are LEARNING LOTS
Wine, I had no idea that residential schools could be quite so educational . Living in what is effectively your 'university town', I know several people who work there, and who run residentials. I shall have to ask them more about it all....
A laugh can put me off, as well.
Porridge, it all sounds pretty normal for OD to me. I know what you mean about previous relationships growing from friendships, and it does feel very odd to be dating a stranger. There also seems to be an intensity about OD relationships, in RL you'd not need to be texting and talking as much, because you'd know when you'd be seeing them next. You'd also know that if you'd agreed to go out with each other, knowing each other already, then you must like each other, so there'd be less need to impress and win you over. I wonder if, with OD, there's also a tendency towards a high rate of text/'phone contact in order to monopolise each other, to keep potential rivals out.
Juliette, I wondered that. Some of his behaviour (follow up texts, checking out a band I mentioned that I like) seemed a bit intense for just mates. Dudeness and meh is most certainly what I shall be projecting, Lorna. Whatever the reasons for me feeling like this (and having slept on it, I think work may be more relevant than I realised) I don't need someone in my life who triggers such negative feelings.
When are you seeing Dutchy next, Juliette, and who's the second meet with, Lorna?
Flipper next week, as soon as the boat is finished. Going sailing on the Dutch lakes.
Morning, all. Must get ready for work, but quick update on last night dinner with friends. Meet Up guys geniality won out, and one friend told me when we were on our own that he was "lovely." Friends weren't too insane, so not off-putting. Success!
AND on another note, the L word was whispered last night by him, & I reciprocated. Waited,did not blurt, after all.All is good.
So for all you seekers, someone is out there. Believe it. Be open.
Woo hoo moan .. God I hope so .. I'm getting fed up with this dating malarkey
wine so how did it go with the barman?
Morning everyone .. Another glorious day
Morning morning morning!
kirsty barman is a work in progress
Oh Moan that is lovely. Excellent stuff, so pleased for you.
Kirsty I think it sounds really promising with FoF - you both like each other so Saturday should be a good one!
Flipper glad you are feeling a bit better. I think he had you classified in his mind as "date" rather than "friend" which is a shame as it would be good to have a friendly neighbour to chat with every now and then. I'd just play it cool with him, say hello when you see him and leave it at that. His loss. Hope work stuff is okay, love.
Juliette yay for more sailling with Dutchie! So this means no caravan, right?
Porridge I think that's all part of the fun, getting to know someone and finding out about them. Hope Date 2 is good.
Wine Barman? Tutor?? Both??? Actually, tutor sounds like a bit of a player and is on very, very dodgy ground professionally so I would steer clear there.
OWW, it was the young man from a while back booty calling. It's not happening but nice to be asked, I suppose.
Will catch up later.
Good morning all.
Moan that's lovely news.
Porridge if you try and think of it as a couple of hours meeting an interesting person it can help to take the pressure off. It should be fun.
OWW it is the first time sailing with him. Absolutely no sodding caravan, it will be back in the marina. We'll stay on board and go sailing on the lakes,it's still a bit like camping with a toilet and shower. He had promised his sister a trip for her holiday next week and that is delayed slightly for me to literally find the ropes
and see what he is like on board as skipper. Then we'll see.
Just reading the thread whilst sitting on the benches as a makes me realise just how exhausting OD is for lots of us. This thread is a lifesaver.
I think I need to go on a residential course, sounds fun!!!!!
Will see how things pan out. Its all a bit strange as I only went on the site out of interest not really looking for anything at all but now I have met him my mind is being a bit changed?!
Flipper text yesterday afternoon from 1st date European going such a beautiful day, been working from home dont want to stay in all night, you got plans? You had dinner?
replied no, fancy meeting and then long wait, 2 hours nothing. Oh well, i thought. little bit but generally meh.
then 3 texts came through. i always think of phone issues as lame excuse people make, meh but checking the times sent on them there genuinely was a problem with them getting through on my my rubbish phone. one was suggestion for dinner, then "ok, you want to downgrade to drinks?" then "you changed your mind?" (HMMMMM, IS THIS PUSHY? )
so i CALLED him then we went out . two drinks (pimms for me, yay!) and then home?
(NO SEX. but was quite pleased then conversation turned a little bit more personal.
Made me think how im not good at slow build up and need to work at it? i wonder if i have personally fallen into trap of using the wild sex as a tool to keep them at an emotional distance rather than actually getting to know someone and letting them know me?
not amorality thing or a stupid fecking Rules says i should make him wait men want nuns blah blah blah thing, 1st date sex can and does lead to more, more a personal growth thing.
i am confident about showing my cervix to men i dont know that well if i'm horny, but feels more intimate and naked revealing myself and my life and seeing if a connection builds that way, so i back away from that. but it was actually quite nice just chatting.
That said, I did flash my wrists a LOT. I fancy him. He's a bit ugly but quite masculine, which i like).
few texts this morning, which is nice but im not massive fan of lots of text tennis. We shall see!
He's a bit ugly but quite masculine, which i like
Only on this thread
at OWW with AlphaScot's motorbikes and Juliette with Dutchie's boat.
weather is so lovely having a beau with a cool summery mode of transport sounds amazing!
THIS is so true for me.
ps i don't look like charlotte york, which is fine.
Dutch lakes? Who knew...
I should travel more.
Ooh, Lorna, sounds lovely. Trying a different way of doing things is always good.
Moan, you've given me the warm fuzzies. That's just, well, just mmmmmm.
Sorry for my ridiculous wobbles at the moment. I assure you all that they are most out of character, and i'm working on restoring normal service as soon as possible. I'm feeling more positive again now.
My lip gloss colour, I have noticed, is called insouciance.
It's a gorgeous afternoon.
Flipper it is Open Uni! I have an afternoon off so a few of us are venturing into town for a spot of beer garden action - do you suggest anywhere good?
I've seen tutor man around this morn and have worked out who he snogged (which is very amusing). She is very 'obvious' as my mate put it (think tiny shorts etc). Weirdly though, he didn't shag her last night (he went off early and she was around near us till well past 1am). Also made a point of saying to someone very loudly (I was walking in front) about how he went to bed early and was feeling fresh today. Very strange. Earlier today I spoke to snogging lass' partner in crime and she said 'ohhh, so you're wine?'. Errrrrr. Fuck knows what that's about and I don't care to either This morning I woke up and thought pheeeeew, all is well and not awkward now (and the snogging shorts bird didn't phase me at all which indicates my gut was right and I wasnt mega into him).
Mission barman is still on if I can be arsed of course
De de de de de de de de dedede dedede ... Lets hope it's not mission impossible wine
Hi all, just a quick update from me.
I've got a first date tonight with Aruba. Attractive, seems interesting and quirky from her OKC profile, but we've hardly messaged at all so I don't know much about her.
Haven't met up with Dr Lovely yet, she hasn't responded to my last mail. Haven't spoken to CheshireCat (although I did hear an interesting study which says attractive women generally are less confident than ordinary looking ones, which could explain why she's shy)
I exchanged a few emails with the married woman, making it clear I'm not going to meet her but if she wants to talk, I'm available. And she just messaged me to say 'he knows about you' - she told her husband she was chatting to some man she met, he'd seen my name on her phone, and I think he thinks she's having an EA, although we've never met. Which is a bit shit really.
kirsty haha lets see how that one goes. Knowing me I'll have changed my mind by tomorrow
Oh Bant that's a bit crap, what a rubbish situation to be stuck in now and all this 'He knows about you' stuff makes it sound much more than it is.
I could go with the attractive women being less confident theory, being both attractive and not amazingly self-confident myself but CC still sounds like a bit of a pain. Hope tonight goes well.
bant what did we all tell you?? Now stop contacting her tout de suite :-)
Bant, sounds like married woman wants her husband to think she is having an EA.
Carn't comment on attractive women being shy. I would imagine an attractive woman to be picky rather than anything else. What did my sexist friends say when we were younger. 'The plain girls never say no' . Which is just crap really but telling of how some men think.
Here's a helpful hint for online daters. If you like someone, wink at them twice, 'favourite' them and then wink once more, it is unlikely they haven't got the hint by now.
If, however, they were just busy and finally got round to mailing you after a week or so, general etiquette says that you should read their thoughtfully crafted email and write one in reply, especially if they've paid extra money so you can mail them for free. Continuing to wink at them repeatedly is just creepy.
And if you haven't paid for membership on the site, so you can't read emails, then exactly what the hell is the point of winking at them anyway?
Bant maybe there is a facility to 'buy' them an upgrade. Plenty of people fall for that.
i wonder too bant
i think i know i'm OD "to date" and actually meet people without taking things too seriously obviously.
but i wonder if some people sign up just after the "attention boost" of collecting attention whilst knowing they have some practical reason why they can't date IRL?
like ones who ignore the "look to meet asap" guideline? had a couple of men who just wanted to play text tennis indefinitely, screened them out after about 3 weeks of contact - i'm not sending endless "how was your day" messages to a photograph on a screen!
i don't know what their "game" was but who knows? were they even who they said they were? i haven't encountered a lot of this kind, but i think there are enough people willing to maintain indefinite online contact to keep them going.
or maybe in your case, they are "pranksters" wasting time?
i mean if you're talking about match.com, someone can open an account in 5 minutes with no credit card details or identity check and a gmail account, upload some stolen photos of someone else and "voila" they can favourite and wink at everyone in the guise of a pretty woman! its like trolling on the internet, you get to have a nose at genuine people whilst getting the chance to shit stir a bit.
when i first started online dating (way before it became popular) i had one arrnaged meet which looking back was just a set up from some arsehole student types, but i was 18 and didn't know any better! stood in the same spot for hours!
...and "studentkid" or whatever their name was, never showed up! some people are mean!
Good luck, Bant, don't forget the loo update!
Wine, sorry, I had to go back to work before I saw your message, I hope you found somewhere nice. You're better off staying out of town for a decent beer garden - if you're near the main uni buildings then there are a couple of villages quite close that have lovely looking pubs. If you still need ideas, pm me!
Lorna I just saw the Charlotte clip. Spot on
I'm glad I did my sitting on the back of very fast motorbikes in my yoof, I'd be too scared at the speed now. Nothing wrong with a slow ride to a 'special place' though
Ha Juliette I wouldn't mind a slow ride with Alpha (or a fast one either) - one day maybe ...
Bant excellent. Spill then man!
Just coming back to say I decided after having a date to stay single because I am clearly not ready to date. Was nice 'meeting' you all briefly
Whoo hoo hoo Bant!! Unfair to say "That is all" - full details required urgently.
farewell and good luck SAR all the best
Suck - what happened? Please don't feel you have to go, hang around on the sofa if you'd like to.
SAR there are lots of people on the sofa at the moment, do feel free to join them. A few of us are currently in relationships of various kinds and I, for one am very aware that we never know what is around the corner. Good that you've made a decision, but it's more likely to be single for now
btw I'm going to run away with Luther at any moment.
SAR as people have said, do hang around, we could all use your perspective on things, and when you're ready to try again, we'll be waiting for that loo update.
Ok. Aruba. Turned up 15 minutes late, as is to be expected. Looked a couple of years older than her photos, maybe she's 40, she said 38 but no biggie.
Looks like ulrika Johnson when she laughs, which she did a lot. Funny. Strange sense of humour but it kind of matches mine, we seemed to invent some in-jokes during the evening.
Had drinks, dinner, but she was driving so she just had spritzer. Left the place after almost 3 hours and went for a walk along the Danube and talked more. No gaps in the conversation, although she didn't take my offered arm. Not sure if she noticed. It was dark.
Went to a playground and went on the swings. Them walked her back to the car, cheek kiss goodnight.
I will be asking her for another date. I think she'll say yes although you never know.
Oh can anyone recommend some cheap ish but interesting places to go as a tourist in London? CheshireCat is asking me (having not spoken to her in a week)
all the museums are free
national portrait gallery
(plus few more)
tate modern should be combined with a walk along the South Bank to see the street performers
brick lane area well worth a visit for cheap curry vintagey shops etc. also shoreditch nightlife is good. for nightlife, if she stays away from oxford street and soho more likely to actually meet londoners, not just "other tourists wanting a night out in london"
comfortable shoes! so much walking to be done, best way to explore area. it will be a "slight" price saving if chooses bus over tube
just walking round the parks, concentrating on the cultural stuff and maybe 1 big night out is nice if you're on a budget?
Right <decisive emoticon> I've cancelled my membership on OD which runs til 2nd August.
I've rejoined the gym that I went to religiously 4 times a week for 10 years until 2 years ago when the world imploded.
Tomorrow I'm off to buy whole new gym kit.
I just can't do it, checking emails to see if new messages have come in, staring conversations with blokes who then just disappear, responding to what must be bogus profiles set up to keep punters interested and all the rest of it. The law of diminishing returns applies to my experience of OD but I feel better that I've made a healthy decision for me.
I shall still lurk and post here though if I may!
And ffs mr mills and boon is still fucking texting me!!!
wisey all sounds positive to me .. It's great getting back to the gym
bant sounds like a lovely date
Bant Yay! This looks hopeful....
Wisey also consider Meet Ups.
JM have fun on the lakes, oh, & also admire the scenery, too!
I love " ugly but masculine"
I'm in a great mood today
Although it looks like I'm not going to see Mr Lovely at all this week I'm away this weekend at a family function and I won't have a child free w/e til the w/e after. I really like him and I like spending time with him.
I honestly thought that after Friday night - when it all got very physical - that he'd want that all the time, but Saturday was lovely. Just mooching around in the sun. To be fair, there wasn't really an opportunity to get physical, but he seemed pretty respectful of that and wasn't mauling me - unlike STBX who would've had his hand up my skirt the whole time and would've sulked if he didn't get a bit of 'action'.
The more time I spend with him (or not this week ) the more I like him.
Really that is what it's meant to be like
Bant 5/5 on the romance-o-meter, hope you do see her again. To add to the London thing, there is also the parks, Hampstead Heath and Parliament Hill(views).
Wisey I feel your pain. I met my fair share of knobbers via OD and found almost no one attractive. I think it may be an age thing, I described my dating pool as small and shallow. Meetups are good for getting out and about and depending on where you are there is usually a good group of people just being friendly. The gym sounds like a plan, will probably kickstart everything else into place.
I know. Well, at least, i think I know! My relationship history is so damned screwy that I've no idea of what normal really is. My lovely friend says it's all normal but I struggle to believe her too...
So although I'm a bit down that I won't see him at all this week, that is the small picture. The big picture is that I'm really pleased with how things are going and I'm looking forward to seeing where they go
wisey yeah sounds like a good strong decision! working out = endomorphins
Title just for you
Bant just re-read your post about Aruba date and . also, love the way you just chucked in "went for a walk along the DANUBE", when i was a kid www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDaJ7rFg66A was one of the first pieces of classicla music i heard.
do actually enjoy the way dating gives one the chance to interact with a city in a romantic way, if that makes sense...?
Just catching up. Yay for moan yay for bant
Sailing sounds ace JM
Flipper, 3DD probably doesn't even realise, I know it's a men meh rant sorry chaps on the thread but honestly think they are not very sensitive - or 'aware' of feelings and how actions can be perceived etc. it's probably not on purpose..
wine you make me smile, how's the barman?
sar do stay around
Hello to every one else.
Have date with TW tomorrow, really not feeling like it, will o by expect it just to be friends..
Speaking to someone tonight on the phone from pof.. before arranging a date... not sure I fancy him either but i seem to be steering for the safe chaps. Distraction good.
Bant, the date sounds great, have you had chance to arrange another date yet. Don't forget, suggesting one the next day is fine by us.
I really need a male prospective on something and might pm you. Don't worry if you are too busy to answer straight away.
bonne chance for your 2 dates Newstart
was browsing pof profiles last night as i'm a newbie to that site.
Good lord there are some "interesting" people there.
someone had a title "sexy and sensual" and whole profile was very "lairy". the main pic, the ONLY pic, was of him with 2 old women, one presumes his nan and her mate or something?
i was bad and kept scrolling through all the good looking young men with their shirts off!
that said as a match.com refugee (thanks to my bad bank balance ha ha) i get the vibe there are some fairly quality blokes on there? so i'll be saving my money in future
I think pof is a real chance game lorna there are some really normal chaps on there, then the usual 'just want fun' crowd. I am very very picky on pof...
ha ha yeah to picky
i get e-mails in my normal inbox to say "so and so has mailed you"?
without even looking at profile, i think usernames like "snufkin1234" "sleazy1234" and "boombasticXYZ" are not going to be my chance to fall in love this time...
Haha yes lorna along with 'bigboy', 'your_lucky_day' and simply anyone who says, 'how's u' or 'how do you get your fun' etc. Puke!
Unfortunately I think my pickiness just means I attract the boring ones!
new somewhere in the middle .. A bit flirty but with a bit of intelligence behind it is nice .. Unlike the joiner last month who said ' I'm a joiner do you want me to bring my tool' .. I knew he wouldn't be a witty conversationalist and cancelled the date
I am in a bad way .. I was on the treadmill last night and the tv was on .. Usain Bolt in the virgin broadband winked at the camera and I had a bit of a FannyFlutter(TM)
Aah thanks new. Barman is cute but a bit young methinks
Mr Tutor has gone waaaay down in my estimation. He's been hanging about with some right gimps here - one of which we affectionately term 'pigface' Shame really, as he ia very clever and they are the token loud group that everyone dislikes (and has nicknames for it transpires). It's like his little harem of goons. Tres amusing! He is not getting into my knickers again.
mmmm, usain bolt.
<drifts away, dreamily>
So 2nd date confirmed folks. Bit freaked really as was , oh just a one off and will get me over the 'haven't been on a date for 20Years!!!! ' hurdle. He text me Sunday night , general chatty stuff then again yesterday ' how was your day' etc.
as someone who last dated when semaphore was used find this whole 'connected ' thing a bit strange. STBXH used to walk down to the phone box to call me twice a week!! I am dying to call him to ask about arrangements ( as I'm sorting it out) for date but think bring in contact again today 3 days running may seem a bit eager ! And don't want him to think I don't have a really. busy life and he's lucky I can fit him into my schedule
<drums fingers on desk>
I mailed Aruba this morning to ask her on a second date. No word yet. She was online this evening.
<drums fingers and then goes out to meet more hungarian girls at the expat evening>
Oooooh ooooh off to meet Alpha tomorrow! Can't wait, silly excitement levels already! I need to get a grip, feel like a daft teenager, it's ace .
Ah finger drumming... Hope she comes through for you bant but that tonight fruitful too.
Raen go with the flow if you can.. Sounds very lovely
So is 2 dates in a day too much!?
Speaking to a pof chap who could poss do coffee tomorrow, already meeting TW in the evening...
Argh also texting someone else... I needed distraction but might have gone a bit far....
Does she have to sort out babysitters Bant? I don't always reply straight away as I have to text round and find a sitter and don't want to bore the bloke with all the minutiae of my domestic arrangements so I just keep shtum til it's sorted.
Raen all sounding good! I like the texting in between but I know a good few people think it's a nuisance, but every couple of days sounds okay. I remember going to the phone box late at night to call my long-distance bf when I was a student, there was always a queue of pissed people doing the same and having drunken tearful conversations with someone two hundred miles away. Don't miss it, for some reason, although it was quite entertaining when it wasn't raining.
New - two in one day??? Definitely need a Jezebel badge for that one!
Tigsy hope all is well in the new house
Nora how are you love?
surely if first dates that just an exploratory badge?
Have bought another dress..I need an intervention don't I? 'They tried to make me go to rehab but I said, 'No, no, no.'
WFF no, as long as you have somewhere to go all dressed up it's fine.
Bant, hope you get a second date.
Nothing to report here. I think my booty call man might have got fed up now as I'm unavailable, oh well, probably for the best. I don't really want casual. I want what I had with LT but with a normal guy next time.
got a bit of kissing with my cold European tonight, which is very fine with me
i am feeling guilty, i used his spare bathroom and noticed that his sink was leaking when i used it and forgot to tell him and now it is too late to text! fuck i hope he doesn't think i broke it
Just checking in to wave at thread! All settled in new home and adjusting to living with someone again, staying over and living with are not the same thing!
how come a 6ft 1 male hangs mirrors and puts hooks on backs of doors suitable for the height of a 3ft 11 midget?
Thinking of you all and now have got Internet connection again will have a proper catch up in a couple of days! Have a fab Thursday everyone! x
Congratulations on your new home, Tigsy!
congratulations on the new place Tigsy. Don't worry about the sink, Lorna, I'm sure he won't blame you.
Good luck with Alpha today OWW
Aruba replied (after exactly 24 hours, to the minute) to say yes to a second date on Monday. I was beginning to worry a bit.
I ran into MedStudent last night at the expat evening, can't remember why I wanted to kiss her at one point. Oh yes, because we were both hammered.
Hi everyone. This thread makes interesting reading
As a beginner, I've got a few questions:
How long after first messaging exchange is normal to meet up with someone?
If messaging someone, is it normal to have a little internet chat with them everyday? It seems a bit... needy to me, but is that just how people do this?
I'm not looking for a major relationship, just want to have some fun, but if I say that, then the man gets all excited and thinks I'm after casual sex... What do you say you are looking for if you just want to meet a lovely guy for a casual relationship leading to sex later, if he turns out not to be an arse?
I've not had a date since I was 16, and I don't think that counts, so what on earth do you wear/do/say on a date?!!!
Hello Mama - I never really had dates til I started dating this time round - in my teens/twenties it was just go out with your mates and see what happens, used to work very well. It does get easier the more you do it, though.
I'd try and meet up as soon as possible, around a week to ten days from messaging, but this can slip a bit depending on babysitters and other commitments. But if you hang about too long it's so very easy to build up a picture in your head of a person who doesn't exist, and then when you meet it is very odd to reconcile this real life stranger with the mental image. If you don't want to chat every day, then don't, pure and simple. I think though a lot of people do like to chat on the site or by text beforehand, but if it gets on your wick then just don't do it.
Wear what you feel comfortable in, say whatever comes naturally. I've never had a problem finding plenty to chat about and I'm not the most naturally outgoing person either.
I wouldn't mention the "fun" beforehand as it is kind of a codeword for sex. If you meet someone you like, and would like to take things further with, you just need to have a bit of a conversation about not looking for anything long-term at the moment and see where it goes from there.
Have you got a date lined up then? [nosy emoticon]
Hello- can I pile in?
I've just been dumped on FB by someone I was seeing for a couple of months. He was pretty full on to start with. I made the fatal mistake of over investing too soon. I got completely carried away with the compliments, hot sex and perky texts. And he said he loved me. Which I now understand doesn't really mean a fat lot. Anyway, soon after reciprocating platitudes of love he cooled off, in the dump message I was clearly more into it than him and it wasn't fair to continue?!
So arrrgghhhhh and grrrrrrrrr. I know im well out of that but i need to stop giving it headspace. I'm in the process of divorcing h of 9 years. 3 kids.
Not sure whether to throw myself back in OD and find my frothy insouciance or avoid. I'd like the distraction and I think I'm better poised for the red flags which I ignored with this last bloke. But ah I dunno. Don't wanna be rebounding all over the shop. Advice please!
OWW I kind of nearly have a date (I think... Bit confused!)
I suggested meeting, he suggested dates (which I was busy on), I suggested dates (which he can't make), we are planning to meet up at the earliest opportunity... Maybe sometime in the next couple of weeks!?
I like his online-self, he seems fab. But not sure I want to do getting-to-know-you texts for two weeks...
joy at least you got some hot sex! That is harsh though. I think it takes a couple of months to suss people out. I'm quite suspicious of OD altogether! People can only tell you what you want to hear for a while before cracks appear if they are not genuine (or so I hope, what the hell do I know?!) I'm scared of the rebound too, maybe go cautiously?
And fun=sex, got it, thanks!
aye, second what OWW said bigstrongmama
in my dating experience, to get a casual relationship for a WOMAN they best way is to start "normal" dating without stating expectations, and wait till things happen naturally.
often naturally after a few months, your dating will peter out anyway. but you've then had sex, some going out and an interaction with someone new? so you're engaging with each other with the courtesy of formally dating, just not making plans for the future or expressing longer term commitment.
in my experience, the men who START with saying "let's be casual" or "this is just fun, right?" seem weird and socially clueless so they'd be rubbish lovers anyway, who wants that? or they'll think "fun" or "casual" means being really difficult to communicate with.
or they'll be the type who think SO highly of themselves they are convinced every woman they sleep with wants to marry them and bear their children, so have to "warn" them not to get attached, which is a very unattractive type to socially engage with.
yeah bigstrongmama thats a good policy of aiming to meet sooner rather than later! even if its just for an hour coffee then a big break before the 2nd date, its good knowing "yes, someone worth investing some contact time in".
joy i'd just treat it as a learning experience and get back into the fray!
you seem to have analysed it in a self aware way, so know you "know the pattern" you can bring that experience back into your next dating round.
certainly don't beat yourself up over it? i mean speaking from personal experience i've done things which i cringe at now, but that doesn't mean i should stick myself on the romantic subs bench for life.
i mean for OD you might not even meet someone dateable straight off, so no harm in having your profile up and seeing what you might catch?
mama - (I really want to write '..just killed a maaan' there)
OWW has it spot on here - no more than a couple of weeks if possible before meeting. If he hasn't at least mentioned meeting up before then, he's unlikely to. It's rare, I think, that a third week of chatting online makes you 50% more likely to 'click' - that really has little to do with conversation and more to do with chemistry.
Fail fast, fail cheap.
Do Not mention 'fun' or 'casual' - that's always going to be taken as you're looking for a fuckbuddy.
You could say 'Not looking for someone to live with' or 'Not looking for a husband' or something, followed by 'just someone interesting, funny, attractive and nice to spend time with' - that might get the message across.
Joy - sounds grim. It's really not fair if he says the L word first, you respond and it puts him off. What a dick.
Although it could be that saying that was a mental watershed of some sort and you suddenly felt more comfortable telling him about future plans, things like that, which scared him off? Sounds strange, I know, but saying it can mean something huge to some men, and less to others - it might be that he said it because it's just a word to him, and then seeing your response to it, it all became 'real' and too much responsibility. Dunno, to be honest.
Some people throw themselves back in - OWW did, I seem to remember - others take a break for a while. Maybe keep doing it but get more selective with who you meet for a while?
Joy that is a bummer and so lacking in class to send a dump message on FB. Rubbish. Like Bant said I am an advocate of forget the bugger and move on - it works well for me as I feel that I'm actively doing something rather than just sitting about mooning and moaning (not that you are) and it's a good distraction. But I know other people say take your time to get over things and get on an even keel before you jump back in. Whatever you feel suits you, really.
Lorna I am very excited about seeing Alpha tonight. No motorbike though. We are going out for a drink, nice country pub, should be beautiful tonight. He is coming to pick me up so there will be opportunities for a bit of hanky panky in the car . It's actually been a month since I started seeing him (not that I'm counting, I just know because first date was on a significant family date and it's stuck in my mind). Can't wait.
Bit of kissing with the European sounds good - are you going to see him again?
Good stuff with the second date Bant - where are you going to go? Queen tribute band?
whoop whoop for country pub OWW
yeah european texted today to arrange meeting on monday night he is away till then? i'm relatively free schedule wise so happy to oblige!
its quite a change for me personally, in the past i've been "ooh don't be too available blah blah blah" and not too open with my time. like trying to "prove" how attractive and desirable i was by being a bit hard to get.
but now i'm thinking, well the best way to suss out if we are compatible IS to spend time together, including low key time (last night was movie at his - he did offer "cinema trip out" but i wanted to stay in - i didn't fancy drinking so had a glass of tap water, so not so glamourous )
of course its early days (we met on sunday) so lets see what happens kissing was nice, too
ps was bit disappointed there was no "snuggling on sofa" during movie [hmm but kiss at the end made up for it!
Met let's call him FP for coffee which turned into a very enjoyable lunch. Great conversation and think I fancy him...
Have date with TW which has been arranged for a few days tonight. Really don't want to go but will. Just don't think I'll fancy him and think its a bit soon for him... But I said I will and am no vanisher..
2 in one day over kill but I had a very rare day with no work and kids in school! Hiked 8 miles before the date so he very much found me as I am haha.. Did warn him and he just fitted into plans I'd already made. Really lovely and natural actually
joy that's mean, hate fb. Hope you're ok, loads of support here.
oww have a great night
lorna sounds good