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the old 'strip club' issue

(57 Posts)

Ok, so having read enough threads where women hadn't aired their views on strip clubs and then been upset that their partner had been to one I asked DP ages ago about his views, told him mine and thought we were pretty much agreed they were neither of our cups of tea. (I told him I'd purposefully not go on a night out if i knew in advance of a planned visit/would leave beforehand as I disagree with them so much).

He told me of an upcoming stag do that he thought sounded pants and was basically just strip clubs & a pub crawl in another town and said he's not going. Fine so far...I then mentioned something along the lines of 'yeah, sounds a bit dull, plus s'clubs aren't your cup of tea anyway are they'?

He then said what about when his BF gets married/other stag dos come up that he feels he should go to that involve them?

I just can't make myself ok with it. Whether it's male/female strippers. It's not insecurity, it just goes against my grain completely. I can see the appeal for people but i'd find the whole thing depressing & sleazey tbh & couldn't fully respect DP if he went to one.

I know that sounds OTT but it's just so ugh for me and a total turn off if someone finds it a turn on.

What should I say to him that doesn't sound controlling and insecure?
WIBU to just say 'look, you know how I feel about them and if you couldn't manage to leave before it got to the strip club or not go then I just can't be ok with that'?

I thought we were clear on it, which is what's pissed me off. I don't want this to be a deal breaker but it just is hmm

(In fairness he did say he had a friend that had a lap dance and the whole thing was depressing, he also said he'd never pay for a lap dance, full stop).

firstpost Mon 01-Jul-13 13:04:46

Having not so long ago started a thread on this, happy to offer my thoughts smile

You are his DP, you are absolutely entitled to say that you are not comfortable with him going. It could be that if he went, he would go down in your estimation and you would think less of him. It doesn't mean you are a crazy or jealous just perhaps that the whole thing is seedy and a bit yuck.

I still struggle with the fact my DH went to one on a work trip, no private dances, I do believe him on that. He did not disclose straight away because we HAD discussed it, and he knew I was not okay with stripclubs. I was at home pregnant looking after our toddler and the knowledge he went still makes me feel upset.

But hey, that's my story not yours. At the moment this is all preventable, he just needs to make a choice not to go smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:05:48

I think you are entitled to your feelings

I think you thought that you were both clear it was a deal breaker for you, and he respected that

Now he is backtracking and/or paving the way for an upcoming occasion where he knows he will be visiting a sex establishment ?

I can't tell you what to say, but I know what I would say

you can go, of course you can darling, but do remember, won't you, not to come home


Ooo that would've really upset me firstpost considering the context.

I know i'd think less of him for a fact. I just don't know how to tell him without making it sound sanctimonious iykwim?

I can sort of see how it would be crap to go to another bar alone whilst you wait for them to finish but surely he could just go home, especially if he knew it would have a detrimental affect on us in the long run?

I'm not sure I can voice it to him if I'm not confident that i'm being reasonable, hence posting here! smile

made me grin AF

I'm being deadly serious when I say I'd probably have to leave as I'd not be able to see him the same way/respect him and you can't have a good relationship with someone you don't respect...

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:10:24

Why are you doubting yourself ?

It sounds like he is attempting to move the goalposts

That isn't ok

PeppermintPasty Mon 01-Jul-13 13:11:51

Your last post is therefore the perfect thing to say to him OP smile

I think it's more a case of possibly agreeing a bit but pretending to agree a lot more as it was early days iyswim? I don't think he remember the conversation so will jog his memory when I talk to him about this

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:13:17

Your honest opinion and feelings are the perfect response to him. Don't second guess anything else

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:16:27

I get the impression he wasn't too bothered about going to the first strip club occasion you mentioned because it was surrounding an event he wasn't too bothered about

Now someone closer to him is planning the exact same woman-hating, objectifying, pseudo male bonding activity over the tits and ass it is suddenly ok ?

Your man, m'dear, is a hypocrite

tbh it's the fact that it's so common for stag dos to involve the casual objectification of people as entertainment strip clubs that's making me feel unsure. I know many people on here feel the same way I do about it though so was hoping that posting would help me keep my nerve.

DP is generally very understanding, respectful, calm etc when i bring up something I'm uncomfortable with (not that it happens a lot) and would always rather I told him that kept it quiet and was off with him or in a worst case scenario dumped him out of the blue.

Yankeedoodlenic Mon 01-Jul-13 13:17:12

IMO strip clubs are gross and seedy and I've only been to one once and it was an awful experience. But then it is much different for men and women.

My DH went on a stag do for his best friend and it involved them going to a strip club - I wasn't exactly thrilled but I trust my DH so I was OK with him going. From what he reported back he didn't enjoy it and a group of them even got into a conversation with one of the girls about how she didn't have to that for a job... overall sounds pretty grim and isn't how I would choose to spend my evening. But that being said - when my DH goes out with the boys - my first and most pressing concern is how much money is he going to spend?!

I would hate to see the strip club thing become a "deal breaker" in a relationship - because peer pressure is a powerful thing and you don't want to put your DH/DP in the position of having his friends peer pressure him/mock him for going home because his DP said so. (These are presumably drunk men we are discussing here).

Plus, it sounds like if you put that sort of ultimatum to him you are just asking for him to lie to you about it and I'd rather know the truth and be a bit uneasy about it than be lied to. As long as he knows how you feel - he should be able to make an adult decision (hopefully the one you'd like him to make!)

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:19:46

Peer pressure is for teenagers, not grown men

I'm worried about him possibly lying about it, like you say, not that he's a liar, to my knowledge. I'm also worried about the drinking making peer pressure worse but if he can't resist peer pressure when he knows I hate it then that's pretty crap, isn't it?

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:21:51

If I thought my husband would lie to me if I put my foot down about something (that he knew I felt strongly about) for an easy life/to get his own way I would no longer stay married to him.

Very fair point tbh.

And I guess that's what it comes down to.

I know from MN that some blokes out there wouldn't go, even if they weren't s against it, just because it was such an issue for their DP/DW and if the tables were turned the fact he was so against something would stop me from doing it. It's not like you have to. He's an adult and makes his own choices...

Oh fuckety sad

Also, he's going through a rough patch family wise which may take a while to settle, so it's not great timing but it is important and I won't be able to stop thinking about it after that conversation...

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:28:06

Who cares about a "rough patch" ?

Does it turn him into a helpless user of the sex industry ? Does it make your own opinions count for anything less ?

I'm just wary of being insensitive.

He's pretty sad about the state of a certain family relationship/sudden deterioration atm, without giving too much away in case I'm outed, sorry.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:31:53

I can't think of a family issue that would force a man to attend a strip club against his will

Oh not that I think that's affecting his decision!

Just that he's not in a good place so a 'discussion' may not go very well right now, as he's sort of grieving, as far as I can tell.

And he's not due to go on any stag dos any time soon.

It is still a pressing issue though, as I might be wasting time for all I know.

firstpost Mon 01-Jul-13 13:36:39

Don't worry too much about how he may perceive this.

There seems to be a lot of pressure on women to be okay with this sort of stuff, but in reality for lots of healthy people in normal relationships Strip clubs are unacceptable.

Would your DP really be happy that he may (forever) seem less of a man in your eyes?

Well I'll soon find out.

I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it and worrying he's not who I thought he was until I've discussed this with him to be honest.

Got so much on this week too and am quite stressed as it is so am quite angry this has come up now (and at all).

Really appreciate the replies btw smile

I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to stuff like this.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:40:19

OK. Fair enough. Not so pressing as there being an actual occasion coming up.

But he has warned you hasn't he, that if he feels the occasion is fitting that he will go against your wishes

I wouldn't sit on that for too long either. And call me harsh, but I wouldn't be cutting him too much slack because of something that is completely unrelated either

Fair point.

But he has warned you hasn't he, that if he feels the occasion is fitting that he will go against your wishes

that is what I'm really concerned about. If it's a case of that I can't continue things, no matter the context etc.

Ah crap.

He's coming over this eve and I just know i'm going to have to say something or I'll be obviously off with him.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:45:51

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, love, because this is still a hypothetical situation, yes ?

And i get the feeling you perhaps have not been as crystal clear as you could have been

But, you are right, this is a conversation that needs to be had before such an occasion presents itself, otherwise it gets you in all sorts of pickles like you see on the relationships board on a regular basis

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:47:59

Don't accuse. Don't make this about him

this about you and your line in the sand.

What he chooses to do with that information is of course entirely up to him.

if you feel angry, maybe leave it a few days ?

(would hate to feel partly responsible for whipping somebody up into an argument smile )

I will approach it carefully.

I don't think I was clear enough , no.

I just know that it's now a bit of a blow up waiting to happen and we need to have a chat about it.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:49:52

What I meant to say is, this is a conversation you need to have without anger and recriminations

You are trying to prevent that, after all, by stating your case clearly

I don't feel so angry that I'll end up 'having a go' and making him defensive.

It's my issue and an issue I feel strongly about. I'll just make sure he really gets that and hear what he has to say after that and take it from there.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:52:37

Good plan smile

don't mention my name

(tbh I've got so much on atm that I don't have the energy to get 'heated' about this. I just want to make sure he knows where i stand/hear what he has to say about it & then mull it over and come to a decision on the future from there. It's not going to be an angry outburst with any drastic OTT decisions) smile

Yankeedoodlenic Mon 01-Jul-13 13:55:20

If he is going through some family issues at the moment & the whole thing is stressing you out then maybe put it on the back burner for now? If he isn't imminently going, you can always bring it up at another more appropriate date/time?

I'd prefer to but what if he was actually just saying what I wanted to hear before, would go anyway and thinks I'm being unreasonable...and I don't find out he feels this way for a few months? It's wasting both our time in that case isn't it?

(Plus I'm studying for a degree, so will be this stressed for quite some time, though his family thing should die down before then).

I think it's hard, because I can't say I'd leave him if he went purely on principle but I'd feel disrespected if he knew how much I was against it and would also think less of him because of the principle...which could possibly lead to leaving anyway if that makes sense?

I'm more keen to hear if he'd do it regardless than anything else (though I'd rather not be with someone who ultimately sees nothing wrong with them, personally).

May try and test the water later, then take it from there...

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 14:52:55

let us know how it goes

Will do.

Part of me doesn't want to see him later but i only just got back from a long trip and it'd look bad if i took a few days to forget about it and get this essay out the way etc.

Plus he's good at knowing when im holding stuff back/im a crap fibber.

I sound like such a wuss but im not most of the time!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Jul-13 19:04:52

"it's just so ugh for me and a total turn off if someone finds it a turn on."

I got the impression that the situation he was outlining was one where he'd go along with the crowd just because a best friend was involved. Not that he'd be turned on by it necessarily.

opalescent Mon 01-Jul-13 19:21:12

I hate the whole strip club debate. I find it so unreasonable that women are expected to accept that on 'special occasions' such as stag dos, women are supposed to be fine with their (hopefully loving and faithful) partners seeking out the opportunity to ogle naked random women.
It's so jarring and incongruous with the normal expectations of a relationship.
And yet somehow it is a social norm. If you say that, categorically, you don't want your dp to go, you are seen as the 'fun police'. Horrible.

opalescent Mon 01-Jul-13 19:23:10

Oo. I used the word 'women' too many times there..

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 19:23:51

I have no issue with being seen as a po faced, fun-sucking, pearl clutching bore, tbh smile

mrsravelstein Mon 01-Jul-13 19:28:54

i was having this conversation the other day. i don't have a particular problem with strip clubs as such, but i wouldn't like my husband going to them, i would find it disrespectful to me and unpleasant. as it happens he's not one of those 'going out with the lads' type of blokes, but fundamentally i expect him not to do stuff that he knows will make me pissed off/sad. and if that means telling his male friends "sorry i'm not joining you there, i'll just go home, because my wife is actually more important to me than seeing a 19 year old naked" then he's perfectly capable of doing so.

It does feel like something you should be ok about because it's a one off and for the stag.

But i'm not going to pretend im ok with it in case it ruins my perception of him, which it most likely would.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 19:52:27

who says it's ok, or should be ok ?

you ?

if not, then stick to your guns

if him, then yes you do need to reassess if he is the man you thought he was

I don't believe that but i do feel the pressure to if that makes sense.

Feel much better for posting. This was all irritating internal debate since that conversation!

He knows im an active feminist.
Showed him some of my campaign work and a fb page i run daily.

It can't be that much of a surprise to him, surely.

wine really fancy a glass right now grin pfft

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 20:20:22

Well, some people do like to play stupid, when they are actually nothing of the sort (because then they can act surprised that you are making such a fuss ...)

Went really well.

He wouldn't go now we've talked and I've said what I said here basically.

I believe he was being genuine smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 22:25:39

Then that is all you can do.

Well done you, and a feministy pat on the back for him smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 22:25:54

You were crystal yes ?


Said it would be a dealbreaker as the repercussions were likely to make it so and a lot of the points I said on here smile

Feel much better about my ability to judge people's character too tbh...Was a bit hmm shock when that last conversation happened!

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 22:33:08

He was probably just thoughtless, rather than anything else

You keep him on his toes wink

I believe so af

Thanks for all the advice smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 22:37:33

I like the happy outcomes smile

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