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End of Affair - update(146 Posts)
I cant believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.
My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.
I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OMs, as I havent had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do tell the OM / dont tell him, tell DH / dont tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss something important and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesnt want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my news, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I dont know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.
Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying you are obviously on the warpath and I dont want to argue with you. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.
My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.
I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I cant. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.
I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair this is it. Its a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.
Accept that the affair is over, you no longer have any claim on this man.
If I was in your situation I would have the termination and use it as a starting point to rebuilding my life.
Come on HeyFeverrr - you can do this.
My heart goes out to you. You are not a fraud, you are on the right track. You have ended the affair, found out what a scumbag OM was, you are going to counselling, you WILL come out of this the other side. The pregnancy is a setback but you will be okay. YOU WILL GET OVER IT. This will be the catalyst to move you onto better things and do some real soul searching. Going by the assumption the termination is your final decision, can you get all the tablets in one day? This would prevent an anxious and traumatic weekend. PM me any time if you want to - I have had a medical abortion if there's anything you want to discuss about the details.
SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. YOU WILL BE OKAY.
I am very sorry for you that you find yourself on your own in this position.
Your OM has shown his true colours and yes your eyes have been opened wide to the dangers of an affair. Please have no further contact with this man ever. But also be prepared for the fact that his wife may well contact your H.
Have your counselling, work out if you want to be married to your H and how you can save your marriage if you want to. But its one hell of a skeleton to keep in the closet
You need to tell your husband before someone else does. That poor man.
Tell your husband.
This is cataclysmic. He will know that something is wrong. You are mourn ing the end of an affair, in shock from how OM has behaved, and you have an unexpected pregnancy/abortion to deal with. You don't need the risk that somebody else will tell your husband too.
Yes it will be hard, but it always would have been. Nobody reacts well to finding out about an affair, but it's a given when you start one that your partner will find out sooner or later. It's just one of those things that you have to get through now, and deal with the consequences whatever they may be.
If you don't tell him, you'll live in fear of him finding out. Take the bull by the horns and come clean. You can start healing then, and make plans to move forward. Otherwise you'll just get stuck in a cycle of not moving forward.
You can do it, because you have too. You'll do it.
Not sure what to say.
Have you told anyone in rl?
I think its best to use it as a lesson whats done is done
Do you have a friend to go with you?
I suppose because he has had an affair too, that he will understand better, if you choose to tell him?
-not sure if it works like that, or not.
You also owe it to your husband to decide if he wants to stay with you or not. If he does then you can dd use if you want to work at it. If he doesn't then at least you can walk away with the weight of deceit lifted off your shoulder!
Sympathies. This is indeed a mess.
I think that you are trying to handle too many things at once, and therefore running in rings and getting no clarity.
You probably need to handle each issue individually.
The affair is over. there's nothing you can do about this. Accept it. Try and move on. (Feeling hurt that he may not believe you is just your pride. Forget it. There are bigger issues at stake, and worrying/hurting over your pride is taking up precious time and emotion that you don't have/can't afford.)
The termination - how do you feel about this? Can you handle it? Can you handle it alone? Will it tear you up so much that it will come out in the future, with your husband? because if you are emotionally attached, it may be better to involve your husband now.
Your husband - honestly, what is your future together - what do you want?
I'd love to think - for your sake - that you can do this alone. Get the termination. Put on a brave face. Put the affair behind you. Work through the issues with your H without him ever knowing any of this.
But I don't know how much of this would be wishful thinking. Especially now the OM's wife knows. I haven't read the other thread, so I don't know how likely this is going to get back to your H.
Maybe honesty is the best policy. However, it would most probably bring an end to your marriage. Could your H handle the fact that you had an affair, nevermind got pregnant?
You can get though this. This is a horrid period in your life. It's a mess now, but it won't always be. Good on you for going to Relate. I hope they can help you get clarity and deal with this.
I would say at the very least phone in sick for a couple of days, give yourself some time to deal with this.
Oh you poor thing.
In a few weeks time all this will be just a bad dream. In a year or two, you will be able to look back at it and understand more about yourself. You will get over it all and in a short while, life can be better. Be strong.
Yeah any RL support? Telling him now, this week, would add to your stress, I'd hold off on that just yet
Take it a day at a time to get through the week.
why did you tell his wife. dont you think shes been hurt enough.
how come you didnt use that energy to maybe let your poor husband know what youve done. youre trying to drag everone down with you now and bejng vindictive. let them work on their marriage and you concentrate on yours
What you did in telling the OM's wife is nothing short of vindictive and cruel.
I am not sure why you were at all surprised by this married man's reaction to your bombshell.
You do realise now that you are being painted as the bunny boiling bitch who at the very least is lying about being pg or did it on purpose by this cockroach of a man, and his wife may well insist on your husband being put in the picture
My advice (FWIW). Cut off all contact with OM and stop trying to destroy his family like you feel he has destroyed you. Get through the termination (if this is what you want). Tell your husband everything and see where the pieces fall.
I don't often have sympathy for OW but you have found you have got yourself into a terrible situation and obviously have a lot to cope with right now.
You are remorseful so it sounds like you can change things for the better, you can do it.
counselling is a great idea and I would prepare yourself for the possibility of om's wife informing your dh at some point
what's done is indeed done. End all contact and have the termination.
as others note, it would be fair to come clean with your husband - there is clearly something badly wrong with your marriage anyway. He deserves all the facts, same as you have all the facts. Secrets like this just fester.
you can then both decide if you want to continue with the marriage.
we all make mistakes. I wish you and your husband luck with the future and better times ahead.
You DO need to tell your husband. Rightly or wrongly, you've now told OM's wife and you have no control over her actions. It was a spiteful thing to do, possibly not helped by hormones and stress.
It's wrong that you need to go through this by yourself, OM should take responsibility too, but I get the feeling that he won't. Did he end the affair?
I hope you have some RL friends to support you because it doesn't look as if the OM will take on that role. I'm sorry for your pain and hope that it subsides soon. Please don't contact OM's wife again though.
I'm on your side. You got caught up in the whole fantasy, and the worst thing happened. It is your fault, but you don't deserve to go through it alone. Remind yourself that you will not feel this shit in even two week's time, and just soldier on through it. Recognise that things are bleak, and will be for a short period.
And then get yourself back on track. My sympathies on the termination.
You have to tell your husband, you must. Especially if anything happens to you, he needs to know.
The OM is a cunt, they usually are. Sadly it is this way. You do have my sympathies.
I think you should think carefully before telling your DH right now, before the termination. It might be tempting, but if you are going to save your marriage, you will need to put him first, I'm not sure that at this stage you are going to be able to put him first and deal with the emotions round the termination. If you do decide to tell him, wait until things have calmed down.
Hello my dear.
I will hold your hand through this as well.
My advice for now - try not to think about it. Try to get through today at work. And then tonight at home. And try to get some rest, if not sleep.
Get through the week that way.
Try to avoid the married man, and possibly also your husband.
Once the termination is over, maybe take a bit of time off work and have a good think about yourself.
But not yet.
I will hold your hand xxx
I cannot tell my husband this week. I have to protect myself a little longer, as I literally feel I might have a complete breakdown if I create any more more arguments and drama right now.
I cannot tell anyone in RL. I am too ashamed.
I know I was vindictive in telling his wife. No excuses - I was in a rage of absolute hurt and anguish and part of me just wanted to lash out. But there was also a part of me that was appealing to her. She texted me several times when she discovered the affair appealing to me - she said 'he is lying to both of us' etc. I guess I wanted to respond to that given this new situation, to say YES he is still lying and now he refuses to acknowledge a pregnancy that came about from this affair. I wanted her to know in that split second. I do regret it.
Its your body if you want to keep the baby you can.
Tell your husband before Friday.
Leave om and his family out of it.
The OM is a cunt, they usually are.
It takes two.
I can't believe you told his wife and are now panicking about your H finding out. Very hypocritical. You need to tell him yourself. It is the only way to salvage anything from this because, I imagine, if he finds out from someone else (OM/his wife) then it's game over for your marriage.
Good luck for Friday.
What happened to your contraception ?
Soup- that didn't come out the way I had intended. I meant that he should now be taking responsibilities for his joint actions. He shouldn't be pretending it hasn't happened.
Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me
I am sorry that you are in such distress. It is awful to be so alone with something so huge and difficult. Can you ask a friend to go with you on Friday?
But once this is over, please be more honest with yourself than you were in the words above. You cannot excuse your own bad behaviour like this and expect to gain any clarity, or closure (or the forgiveness of your husband).
I see from the previous thread that your husband had previously admitted an affair. This must have been a massive shock and I'm sure goes some way to explaining why you did what you did and are doing what you're doing.
After next week, I think you need to tell him. Together, you can work out what you want for the future.
Correction: the contraception that was the joint responsibility of both of you
Are you parents around, or a sibling?
Ideally, they would be able to support you through this awful and difficult time.
I'm not panicking@Soup. I don't think she will tell him, for various reasons. it isnt panic, its absolute guilt and self hatred. I am obviously feeling awful about the effect this will have on my DH when I tell him. That is why I ended the affair. I just didnt see this biting me in my the arse quite so viciously...
No idea@AF. I am mid thirties, know how to use a condom properly.
you may know how to use a condom properly, but did you use one?
Can I just clarify something ? Did his wife know that her husband had been having an affair with you before you rang and told her your were pregnant ?
Eldritch - that is the honest truth as I see it currently. Perhaps I will gain more clarity? I acted out of spite against them both. Desperation and wanting some acknowledgement that I am PREGNANT. They were my motivating feelings, as fucked up as it is.
I do not want him back, if that is perhaps what you mean.
From the previous thread, I see that she did. (sorry to speak for op)
I was set to comment but have read the link you gave, that puts this in a slightly different light. It's a mess but you know that already.
OM I won't waste time over, his wife I pity.
Tell your H either before or after this weekend, ahead of any calls from OM's wife.
Call in sick at work, it may be a haven but you won't be able to think straight.
Have you any close family or friends you can entrust the children's care to when you tell H?
Yes@AF. See original thread if you can be arsed. She discovered it a few weeks ago. He wanted to CARRY ON SEEING ME and I ended it. It was the wake up call I needed - that may sound trite, it fucking isn't. I heard her voice on my voicemails. She was devestated and acting as crazy and spiteful as I have done. It woke me up.I saw the reality of what I had done.
I don't think OP needs anymore stresses and strains about what she did in a moment of extreme panic, that cannot now be undone.
I would stay ONE STEP AT A TIME. Your hormones are propbably going crazy right now. Save any life changing decisions until the week is out.
Is there at least one person you can confide in RL?
I read your note when you posted and I am struggling to show the support you need at this time because my view is people that have affairs end up getting what they deserve. It's called Karma! In your case it's pretty sad and very tragic.
All I can really offer is practicle advise. Don't contact him. Don't contact his wife. Tell your husband before someone else does and prepare yourself in case your husband decides to leave you. And most importantly speak to one of your close friends in RL. You need their support particularly with dealing with the termination.
HeyFeverrr... I'm usually of the mind that if an affair had ended, it's possible for the cheater to keep the pain to themselves and not pass it on. Sometimes I think that's preferable. In your case I don't think it is just because OM's wife knows now. Your husband must hear it from you rather than somebody else. If he's had an affair before then this may not jolt him as much as you fear it will.
If you have a friend in RL they may not agree with what you've done but presumably, they love you and will support you through this. I think you need somebody who can do that, I really do.
If you really think that you can't tell anybody - your husband neither - then you'll have to terminate as planned and keep the secret to yourself forever, hoping that it never comes to light via OM's wife. That's a big ask of yourself. Are you up to it?
You have options; I think you need somebody to talk those through with. What about going back to BPAS or some other organisation and talking them through with somebody qualified to help you?
What a mess. OP, you have to tell your DH - just be completely honest. You cannot hope to keep this all in - affair, pregnancy, termination. Even if you manage to "box it up" for a while, it will come back at some point. Tell him now (and it'll be slightly less worse coming from you than from OM's wife) and see what happens. This will hang over you forever otherwise.
I can be arsed.
The reason I ask the question though is originally I had the impression you called her up out of the blue to drop the "I am shagging your H, he has got me pg" combined bombshell. The fact it wasn't like that mitigates you somewhat.
I will hold your hand too
few of us have NOT done things we regret later.
You are suffering greatly now and have found out in the cruellest way the the OM is no knight in shining armour but a low life, weak and pathetic man who does not even have the courage to deal with the consequences of his actions
I do think you will have to tell your husband. Secrets and lies of this magnitude cannot be hidden if you are to have any hope of rebuilding your marriage. I would tell him before someone else does.
If you were mt RL friend I would give you a big hug and a cup of tea and talk you through all the options.
One small step at a time
You will be ok. In the end, you will be ok.
LittlePeaPod... Nasty post. On the other thread too. Do you search out for these to lash out on? Perhaps be careful that a little 'karma' doesn't visit you.
What is there are complications from the termination ? Is it fair to expect your husband to help you if that were the case, if you don't empower him with the knowledge ?
Actually l feel quite sorry for you OP. I certainly cannot condone your affair or texting the wife but l think l can understand your desperation behind the texting of his wie.
Your ex will have painted you as a bunny boiling stalker threatening him with a phantom pregnancy in an attempt to win you back. He is a prize cunt trying to save his marriage at all costs.
You could if you really really wanted to sent both her and him the receipt from the clinic post termination to prove you were telling the truth and also to point out to the wife that he did not cut contact when oroginally he was asked to do so.
You can forget the pair of them and concentrate on sorting your own pile of shit out. Is your relationship with your DH worth salvaging? Do you want to try? One way or another the truth always comes out and it would be best to be honest with your DH and be upfront-the secret affair will always be there between any relationship you have with him. Will he stay? could you blame him if he didn't? Could you risk rebuilding this relationship with the potential of it all come crumbling down at some point in the future.
As regards the pregnancy-cutting aside everything else what do you want to do? Is the booked termination a knee jerk reaction to the discovery? Have you given yourself time to really think about it, you could,if needed, go it alone and your ex affair partner would have to pay towards it's upkeep.
I don't envy you your decisions that have to be made. Is there anyone in RL that you feel you could talk to? You are really needing a lot of support t this time.
AF - I wasnt being barbed when I said that, I just relaise that reading two long threads is time consuming.
I dont believe in karma, so I wont take that post to heart. If 'karma' was true, than all four of us (me, OM, DH and OM's wife) must all have done some horrific things - our kids too - because this has the potential to shatter everybody involved.
I am reaping what I sowed, though, of course. Nothing mystical about it.
Branleuse it doesn't really matter now, does it? Whether the condom broke, slipped off, or wasn't put on in the first place, doesn't change the fact that she's pregnant now and struggling to deal with it.
Do you definitely not want to continue with the pg ?
Lying not nasty just honest. Has anyone considered what these wives are going through? This Op and the other didn't care when they were shagging their husbands. This Op needs to speak to her RL friends.
I made it clear I find people that have affairs pretty despicable actually Lying as they only consider their own actions and then cry about it when it back fires. You do the crime, you pay the price and do the time.
One little thing I would add.
You seem to act impulseively, and in the heat of the moment.
During this week and beyond, try not to?
There are always ways in which a situation can get even worse.
'Do the time' is a strange way of looking at a pregnancy, but i accept your point@LittlePea.
I have not even thought about any other option@AF. Maybe I am in shock, as others have said....but I cannot see how it would be fair to bring a child in to this shit situation.
You are right@yams. this is something I was going to raise with the counsellor eventually. I seem to have very poor control of my impulses lately.
I'd just like to say as people never seem to get this *no contraception is 100%, sometimes it fails.*
I say that looking at my ds, who decided despite 2 types and the morning after pill he was coming into this world!!
Op, your story sounds truly a mess xxx. I've nothing useful to add, but I wish you the very best for Friday.
HeyFeverrr... Whether you believe in it or not (I don't). There is no excuse for a bitter random coming on to a thread where support is needed just to lash out at you. I hate that kind of thing.
You made decisions, they weren't the right ones, we all do things wrong sometimes. You don't deserve to have to face this on your own. OM can't feel good about himself, not if he is anything like the person you thought he was. He's not being decent to you now and he will have that as a remembrance, which won't be comfortable.
The only important person right now is you; what can be done to help you, Hey? Who is the right person for you to speak to about this and are they available to you?
Put yourself in your husbands place.
"my wife lied to me, had sex with another man, told his wife, which ended the affair and then she got pg by OM and had a termination all without telling me. I was the last to know and I was told by someone else she didnt respected me enough to tell me herself".
There is no coming back from that ever. If there was a guide on how to hurt someone to the extream this would be it, congrats you got him back for his affair and the hurt he caused you.
Just tell him and accept he will leave and you are alone for a bit till you meet someone else.
I agree that this situation is no place for a child to be brought into, actually. But you have been acting impulsively (and damagingly), by your own admission. Be sure a termination is what you want.
LittlePeaPod... What you call 'honest' is just your opinion. Your posts are bitter and spiteful and serve no purpose other than to lash out at somebody in pain who is asking for support. If you can't offer it then don't but why on earth post?
I will hold your hand too op. people make mistakes, they make terrible ones. What's done is done, and now you need to square your shoulders and get through this as best you can.
Start being the person you want to be, right now. What would that person do? Come clean with DH? Admit all and take the consequences? You might not know right now. You can chat it through on here or you can pm me if you like.
Take one issue at a time.
1) Do you want to keep your baby? Do you want another child, can you afford another child, how would your other children react?
2)When do you want to tell your husband. He will not be able to emotionally support you right now. He may not want to work on the marrage. He may want to leave and he may want to tell extended family and friends.
3) OM that boat has sail wave goodbye. Delete contacts, dont see him, talk to him or his wife. Consider they are out of the pitcure. You dont have to feel guilty or sorry or anything for them now. Enjoy the peace.
In some ways I'm glad the wife knows so she can go and get herself tested.
This is such a traincrash of peoples lives from the selfish action of 2 people so sad.
Also OP its a mess but not the end of the world, you just have to make better choses
Lying the are realistic and honest opinions. You can choose to ignore them if you don't like them. I can reserve my sympathies for the innocent parties (his wife & her husband) if I so choose.
Op I wasnt referring to the pregancy. That's the part were I do actually feel sorry for you. Going through a trmination alone would be traumatic and that's why i think you need to speak to a Good RL friend. I was talking about the fall out that will result from this tragic situation.
Are you still in contact with the wife? I agree tell your husband.
Realistically, how are you going to conceal the termination from your husband?
I have been with two friends after their medical terminations, I cannot imagine how they could have hidden it from partners (although perhaps they were affected worse than most people).
I think you have to tell your husband, for a few reasons:
1. It will be difficult to conceal the termination, and possibly unwise in case of complications
2. Maybe you could keep it secret for a while -- but for the rest of your life? That will be very difficult (as your husband found out with his affair). Unless you really believe you will never tell him, better to tell him now than later.
3. If you are planning to go to counselling with your husband, it will be very difficult to get the most out of it if you are concealing such important things.
4. It has all become so serious that I think your husband deserves to know the truth, and decide whether he wants to stay in this mess. It's not fair to go forward with him being the only one bearing the cheater label and guilt.
The only reason I would suggest NOT telling him is if you think you want to end the marriage anyway, which I think is a valid thing to think about. If that's the case, then I would say don't tell him, it will just make everything so much worse.
I havent read the original thread but from what I can gather it appears that the ops h had an affair as well and now the op has done to him what he did to her? Tbh two wrongs dont make a right and his having had an affair is IMO not mitigation for the fact you did the same.
I am a firm believer that affairs are rarely black and white and that they are generally a symptom not a cause of issues in a relationship. However that never justifies the existence of an affair, and the thing about coming back from an affair is that not only do you have to end it, but you also have to take responsibility for what you have done.
Refusing to tell your dh while going through with a secret abortion is not taking responsibility it is abdicating responsibility. You are not putting right what you have done wrong you are pretending that it didnt happen by continuing to act secretively in order to what? Protect yourself presumably?
I am not trying to be harsh op, affairs happen, but when they are found out is when you need to take responsibility. This isnt about telling your dh because someone else might, its about telling your dh because having not only had an affair but getting pregnant and then having a termination in secret is not something which you can keep from him it just isnt. This isnt a one night stand which could be considered a minor indiscretion, youre pregnant and having a termination. You have been carrying another mans child, on no planet is it ok to keep that from your husband if you have any chance of a future together.
And yes, part of taking responsibility is accepting the reality that when you tell him that you have not only had an affair, but have conceived and aborted the OMs baby, there is every likelihood he will throw you out and file for divorce.
Its not karma or revenge or justice, I dont believe in any of that. Its not even what you deserve. But equally you are not taking responsibility by keeping this all secret, and the instant you slept with someone else you essentially turned your back on your marriage. After that the outcome was out of your hands.
OP, there will be a reason why you're acting impulsively, you prob don't know what the reason is but you sound a bit like I did at the start of a nervous breakdown. There will be something mentally that has sent you on this train of destruction but please do not panic, you are not alone. You are not the first to have their life go off the rails and it will seem like the biggest mess at the moment but you will be OK. You don't have to justify or explain yourself to us. You have made a mistake, lots of us do. Don't self flagellate by seeking punishment from a bunch if strangers who don't know you. We haven't walked in your shoes.
Can you speak to your mum/sister/friend who you can trust with the truth and won't judge you? I really think you need support from a person in RL, I know I'll get shot for this, but I'd say a female might be better positioned to give you thatsupport. Especially re the pregnancy.
I think it unwise to assume the OP's husband will be there to hold her hand during her termination/oversee any potential issues (which are v. rare btw). Another RL freind would be a much wiser choice at the moment.
I think its too much to ask of yourself to do this alone, have you any idea to how your dh would react, has he ever been violent? I hope you can be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes in life.
I wasn't assuming OP's H would hold her hand during the termination
But if he awakes in the night to find her ill/bleeding heavily/requiring emergency treatment, is this a fair situation to put him in ? Stacked up against all the other unfair cards tottering in his pile, of course.
I'm with Gertrude. You made a mistake and it can't be undone, but what you need now aren't judgemental comments about karma or right and wrong, you need support. Can you confide in someone? Or even ring the Samaritans if you are feeling really desperate and don't feel you can speak to anyone IRL.
Yes anyfucker I agree
Can you delay the termination for a week or so to give yourself time to find some support and tell your DH? I do agree that it is probably better that you tell him in the long run, it's just dragging out the hurt, stress and guilt if you try and hide it.
While I can see your point, OP, I think you are playing with your husbands cards now.
You obviously don't want to add to the drama and pain, and that's understandable, but it's also selfish. A third party knows about the affair. You are pregnant. You need support. Your husband will try to provide it, because he loves you (presumably.) I'm not sure that your need to do damage limitation overrides his right to know, right now.
Think about it. If you decide that you are doing the right thing, then fair enough, go ahead. But for what it's worth, I think there is a lot to be said for telling him everything, clearing the air and starting again without any of this hanging over you. It'll hurt a lot more when your husband finds out from someone else, especially when he realises what is actually happening on Friday night. Whatever you pass it off as, he'll know, when he realises that you were pregnant.
There is no reason to rush into anything. You've got some time to think, don't panic. One step at a time.
Agree with AF too. That is a very real possibility and Hey, your husband needs to know. I said that upthread too but not for that reason.
I really struggle to see how people can quite happily deceive and betray everyone around them, but are beyond desperatly upset when the shit hits the fan and the logical consequences that everyone else could have predicted, actually materialise.
Imagine if the OP was male and this situation was reversed ffs
OPs husband had it coming too as he had an affair, so maybe it needs to just all go on jeremy kyle and be done with it.
people make me sick sometimes
*branleuse, is that really helpful etc etc. I know
Its like a plaster you just need to rip it off and start healing. Get it over with and move on with your life.
What a horrible situation OP. I really feel for you. We've all made bad choices at sometime, fortunately most don't have such terrible consequences.
I'm not clear how you really feel about the pregnancy. Is your decision to terminate just because it's OM's? Would you feel the same if it was H's baby?
Emotions round a termination are so complex and last forever. It may seem to be the easier option now, and it may be the right one for you or not. However, as others have pointed out, it's not a secret you can or should keep from your H long-term. With that in mind, would you still want to go ahead? Or at least give yourself thinking time?
I'm not trying to persuade you one way or the other, I just want you to be sure you're not making a decision you'll regret for the wrong reasons.
Take care. Lots of support here.
So branleuse you've never made a mistake then? Never will make one? I hope you won't, but if you do I hope there are people willing to listen and support you try and deal with it, rather than telling you you got what you deserved.
Fwiw, I think that if a man came on here and sounded as sorry and desperate as the op (who has not tried to defend or excuse her actions) then I'd try and help him through it. The alternative is to make things worse for people by shaming them, and what earthly use is that to anyone at all?
tbh I am quite at the levels of sympathy directed at the op. If this was a wife posting that her h had got someone pregnant but was remorseful etc would he be getting sympathy? I don't think so. double standards abound again I see...
branleause if you struggle with it then you obviously don't give much thought to the human condition. People do behave selfishly and deceitfully and then get upset when it blows up in their face. It happens all the time.
If the OP wasn't beyond upset about this situation then she would either be a robot or sociopath. She's neither, so she has emotions. If other people's mistakes and emotions make you sick then when/if you or your loved ones ever fuck up you should make sure to keep your emotions righteously in check.
I think you would have to be a robot or a sociopath to not feel sorry for OP, actually, and despite how abominably she has acted even I can't bring myself to pile in with the recriminations (or at least to keep them up the face of her distress)
What would be the point ??
Rubbish, wannabe, do you think that we're all so stupid enough to limit empathy to people who happen to have a vagina? If a man or woman comes on here in acute emotional distress I will empathise. It doesn't matter if I judge their behaviour to be different to how I would do things , I'm sure a lot of people have judged me when I've made my many and varied mistakes, I can still offer words of support surely?
I don't think anyone is excusing the op's actions wannabe, merely recognising that shaming her is worse than useless and that support and practical help are the order of the day.
Speaking for myself (and as a FWR regular to boot) If a man posted, devastated at what he had done and unsure about what to do next, he would get a similar range of responses, from the sickening (imo) its karma / you make me sick to the shocking (to some it seems) offers of sympathy and practical advice. Would depend on what he said and how he posted, tbh.
It's not going to help the op to turn this into a fight.
OP, please tell your husband. What hurts a partner most from any affair is the lies, concealment, and emotional detachment. The sex part is largely incidental. If you want any hope of a future with him be really really open and honest. He will find out eventually, and probably already suspects.
As for the termination are you really sure? There's no going back from one, and the emotional implications are life long. Also (I think) you need someone with you for 24 hours afterwards just in case. Your DH needs to know so that he can help you if there is a problem.
Good luck. So you messed up, but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack you when you ask for help.
Yes, I hope and think some people would be sympathetic if a H was remorseful about what he had done.
Exactly AF, what is the point in piling on the judgement/ recriminations. I think OP is fully aware of the horror of the situation, how could you not feel for her?
Ive certainly made mistakes, but i do struggle with long term deception. Certainly dont have sympathy for it, nor would i expect to get sypathy or help from strangers for admitting to this sort of shit
I think the OP is abusive
Hope it's not too windy up there on your high horse.
Branleuse, do you not forgive anyone?
So when you make mistakes and say sorry and regret them, you shouldnt be forgiven either?
Maybe we should stop derailing the thread arguing about whether OP deserves support or not? I'll hold my hands up to being one of the derailers and I apologise. Arguing amongst ourselves about it might put OP off posting. OP hope you are OK? prom was right, Samaritans are a great listening ear. They've heard it all. Maybe talking out loud might ease your upset?
as I said previously, part of putting right the mistakes is taking responsibility for them. By refusing to tell her husband, having a termination in secret and not telling him about the level of deception the op is continuing with the "mistake,"
Yes, everyone makes mistakes and no-one deserves to be judged for ever for those mistakes. But equally it's important to accept blame for those mistakes in order to put them right and move forward. Carrying on the lies and secrecy is not putting things right it is hoping that you'll never actually be held to account.
Was this a mistake though, as the Op actually says herself in the previous thread (see Ops link) "*we began an affair deliberately and with our eyes wide open nine months ago*". I don't believe disagreeing with the Op and the cheating husbands behaviour and having little sympathy now its blown up, makes anyone nasty or uncaring or on their high horse. People just don't agree with it and if you come on this sort of public forum then expect and be prepared to get everyone's opinion.
I don't think arguing about what we all think is helping her. She needs to take ownership of the problems she faces and seek help from her RL loved one and friends.
Hi OP. If you feel Friday would be more bearable with someone to go with and you're in London I can come along. I understand that it is difficult to share this with RL friends, so maybe a non-judgemental MNer is an alternative?
For all the venom I currently have for those women and men who have affairs and wreck the lives of their families and other families, I also have some compassion for the OP at this time. I'd never want to go through with a termination in these circumstances, I'd feel pretty shit if I were the OP reading some of these comments. I do think in time she should tell her dh what she has done, but not right at this moment, it is surely too much for her to do. I also feel enormous compassion for all those hurt by the OP, but she is also a human being and don't forget it when posting.
I think the pregnancy was definitely a mistake. The affair was a long term deception, I agree, but OP has already said she has been acting impulsively and not herself lately. I think there is an awful lot more occurring in this situation than just a selfish woman getting her kicks by cheating with an ex.
I don't want to suggest anything out of order OP but a few things you have said about your behaviour and thoughts have set alarm bells ringing. Combined with your history of severe PND and the revelation about your husbands affair I think there is an awful lot that needs addressing (probably by a trained professional) in your life. Sorry if I'm crossing the line.
That's lovely DH Very sorry you are going through this OP, I wouldn't wish it on anyone x
DHtotalknob that is so lovely. You have restored a bit of faith in humanity.
Op I think you should slow things right down. Decisions made in a panicked rush might be regretted later.
Please talk this through with someone. Friend, counsellor, ring the Samaritans, whatever.
You made some poor choices, you regret them. You must deal with the fallout. Whether, how and when you tell your DH, whether and when you have the termination, you have some time to reflect. I would urge you to do this, take a few days off work if you can. Maybe go and see the GP and get signed off?
Just a few days might make all the difference.
Just to add that a termination (if that is your definite decision) does not have to haunt you for the rest of your days if it is the right and considered choice. You CAN and WILL move on from it.
No woman should go through a termination alone. That I utterly agree with. DH that was a lovely offer.
Your offer is really kind, DHtotalnob, just wanted to add my voice to the others telling you that.
OP is in real distress. People are helping. This does not involve behaving as though she has done no wrong, it is just ordinary human compassion, to assist with the fallout, which is pretty awful in this case. I've done it in RL (affairs, terrible misdeeds at work etc) and I'm prepared to do it on here.
OP, whatever else you do, please don't be alone. Post if it helps, but best of all, talk to someone in RL about your situation.
OP pls get counciling before Friday, make sure you can live with what ever decission you make regarding the baby. Its your body and your life you need to make the right chose for you and only you.
You have choses and options here. Stop and consider them carefully.
Good luck for the future
You need to tell your husband. I can't believe that anyone is even encouraging you to continue with the deceit and the lies. If you are serious about stopping all of the deception and crap then you need to tell him, before Oms wife does.
OP said she will tel her husband, but right now might be a bit too much for him and her, only she is going to know. She has been honest in her admissions of wrongs, so she should hopefully manage to make the decision to tell all when the time is right. In an ideal world, the husband should know now, but we're all humans, we're fallible, we are full of emotions, it might just be too much to handle termination and tell all in the same week.
No one is encouraging anyone to keep lying. Some people are saying pause, breathe, talk it throughg with someone supportive. Don't panic. That's all. None of us know the op or her DH, we are in no position to push her in any direction, especially as she's probably feeling very vulnerable at the moment.
How are you HF?
You have shown a lot of courage, lack of excuses and taking the reality on the chin, so you deserve our support.
I am seeing a revenge/reaction affair here, similar to Gehj and Imnotafraiditisonlytheinternet?
So your H is still the focus of your emotions and I wish you and him the best of luck as you try to resolve this.
Throw yourself on his mercy and take that on the chin too. It is the only thing you can do. A pregnancy after all, is proof that you had sex. No more and no less.
gertrudetrain - You talk a lot of sense.
OP - What an absolutely awful situation for you to be in. Whilst I'm usually far from sympathetic to those people who have chosen to have affairs nobody is perfect. Some of us make massive fuck ups and people find out and we get slated. Some of us fuck up and it goes unnoticed so we get to be all judgmental and pretend that we're perfect.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And I do think that telling your husband is the right thing to do here, if you're to have a fighting chance of saving your relationship then you need to start with a clean slate.
Heyy - you sound in a complete state I feel for you dealing with this on your own, you certainly didn't get pregnant on your own. The OM has acted like a complete and utter shit - he cared enough to want to shag you, he cared enough to want to keep seeing you even when his wife found out, he should have cared enough to have supported you through this. There is no reasonable excuse for him to have treat you this badly. Even if I was his wife, I would be seriously disappointed in him if he let you go through this alone - he should be man enough to deal with the complications of having had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy.
I agree that you need to tell your husband about your pregnancy before you have a termination. He needs to know what you are going through (and he's hardly been squeeky clean himself - so he has no right to 'kick off') in case it does go badly & you need medical help afterwards.
However, given that he may choose (hypocritically) to leave you when he finds out you have had an affair as well - you need to decide what YOU want to do about this pregnancy. Are you sure that a termination is what you want to do? Have you thought about keeping the baby? How would you feel if you had a termination then your husband left anyway? Would you regret having had the termination?
Your marriage has been a complete car crash - IF you want to stay married to your DH, you both need to get everything out in the open and start again - you cannot start to rebuild your marriage and not tell him about this - you just can't.
I think u should speak to your husband about the whole situation.
Why he had an affair but didnt tell u for years?
Why he chose to tell you after so long?
Why you sent the first text to OM wanting to meet only 2 months after ur husbands revelation?
Why u had an affair?
Both of u have been in the wrong at one point in ur marriage & i think for u to move forward everything needs to be worked on.
You really should have someone with u on friday.
Hang on a minute, everyone.
Everyone is so sorry for her husband, but he had an affair and kept it secret for eight years. He told her to relieve his own guilt. Throughout those eight years they'd had bad times; I would imagine some of those times were caused by his affair.
OP, I think you should say to your husband, "You know you had that affair and kept it quiet for eight years? Well, shortly after you told me about it I started an affair myself. I feel awful about it, just as you did. There's the added complication that although I took precautions, just as you did, I've found out I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a termination on Friday. I know you'll find this difficult to deal with, just as I found it difficult to deal with your affair. And by the way, it was by luck rather than by design that your OW didn't get pregnant and find herself in my situation. There is absolutely no difference in our situations."
Whereabouts are you, OP? North west here if you need help on Friday.
Imperial - where in my post do I sound the slightest bit sorry for her husband?
< puts hand up >
I feel sorry for the husband. I feel sorry for the whole bloody lot of 'em. Not one of them sounds happy, contented or at peace with themselves
that is something to pity, IMO
Chipping, I wasn't referring to you! Just the general feeling was that her husband was blameless, when he actually started it all.
Imperial - then perhaphs it would be wiser to say 'some people' not everyone... I don't appreciate being lumped in with people who are feeling sorry for a stupid bastard who has brought this (and worse) on himself.
I apologise. I was seeing a red mist after reading both threads and wasn't thinking straight!
OP, I had a medical termination two months ago.....alone. After the tablets, nothing except a racing pulse and a headache .
Where are you in the country? I'm off on Monday so I can come and hold your hand or you can pm me.
Buy yourself some time OP and let the panic subside a little.
Get GP to give you sick cert (not a lie as I doubt you are able to work)
Tell your DH that things have not been right since you found out about his affair, that you need time away from him, that you want to go stay with your mother/sister/friend/local hotel for a few weeks.
Go and sleep, walk around the park and look at trees, lie in bed by yourself and write down your thoughts, talk to a highly trained person - a counselling psychologist would be ideal - a couple of times a week - and see how you think and feel then.
You have to stop the panic in order to figure out whats best to do.
You have found yourself in a very difficult situation- I am sorry.
Have you thought about how you will cope with the actual termination? My very closest friend went through this ( tablets - though not in the same situation as you) and I know she found the actual process over a few days quite difficult and uncomfortable. She was 9 weeks at the time. I am just wondering how you will ( if you choose to) keep this a secret from your DH?
I am sure this has crossed your mind. How do you feel about this part of it all?
Imperial what you advised the OP to say to her husband sounds like a good way to go about it.
OP i think if u are going to tell ur husband that would be a good way. You dont have to tell ur husband though.
OP: I can understand why you texted the wife. Frustration at being ignored by OM etc. But, in doing so, I think you might have saved their marriage. Both will paint you as a crazy who is making up a pregnancy in order to "keep" the OM. It allows OM to achieve a sort of cognitive dissonance and lets his wife think her DH had a bit of a lucky escape, and that he's just THAT desirable. You're best off not thinking of, nor contacting him ever again. Ever.
It's up to you if you want to tell your husband but I think it will be uncovered either way. I had a medical abortion a few years back as I thought it would be the easier option. I could not have been more wrong. I had an awful time, a lot of pain. And without TMI, it's messy. It is hard to do alone and harder to hide what is going on than you would think. If it is possible, could you contact BPAS and see if you can reschedule for an alternative method?
I don't see your husband as blameless. I don't see you as blameless. I don't see the OM as blameless. The only poor sod here who is caught in the shitstorm is his wife.
You'll get through this. You will.
Tell your DH. Tell him you are going to leave things for a month or so to decide whether you want to keep the baby. Obviously, spend that time apart. You need to buy yourself some time to make a proper, considered decision on this, this all sounds very frentic.
Having told OM's wife, the genie is out of the bottle and she could tell your H at any time. That's one hell of a thing to have hanging over you. I think your only sensible choice now is to draw the sting and tell him yourself.
I know contraception can fail at any time, but the timing of this has left me wondering. OM didn't want the affair to end at the probable time you conceived. Could he have been reckless on purpose?
I think Imperial has given a great way of approaching it.
And to add to what Mixxy said re methods -- yes, my two friends I mentioned had similar physical reactions, quite messy and difficult to hide. I myself have had a surgical termination under just a local -- I would not particularly recommend it, as it was very painful and a bit traumatic, but I was physically okay very quickly afterward and it would have been a lot easier to hide it if I needed to. So perhaps it is worth talking to a counseling service and getting some advice, if you do want to go through with it.
I hope you are okay today. Be easy on yourself.
I really feel for you.
You have to tell your husband - if he finds out from anyone but you, it will cut him deeper. If OM's wife doesn't know who you are, I suppose he could be pressured into giving up your details. Then it just depends on how much self control she has. (I wanted to hang OW out to dry - I didn't speak to her ex or current partner but it took immense will power not to.)
You shouldn't go through the termination alone. Even though you did a shitty thing, I don't think you deserved this.
I also think ImperialBlether's suggested speech to the husband would be a good one.
OP, hope you can get someone to come with you on Friday.
Sorry to read this hayfeverrr.
OK, if I were you I think I would do:
1. Take time off work. Plead stomach bug. You can't 'carry on as normal'.
2. Proceed with termination assuming that is what you want and that you hope to reconcile with H.
3. Take some time to recover emotionally and physically.
4. Tell your H. Sorry but it has to be done. He can't in all honesty be too mad - he is just as bad let's face it.
5. Continue NC with MM and his wife. You owe him nothing and he's bad for you. You have told her the truth - you owe her nothing more.
6. Marriage counselling with your H. DO NOT LET him bully you - he started the rot with his affair and whilst 2 wrong do not make a right he won't have a leg to stand on IMO.
Oh love, I do feel for you. I was on your other thread and I had a lot of respect for you owning your shit and not trashing your marriage in order to invent reasons for why you did this. Late to this thread, but I'm a bit non-plussed by some of the assumptions posters seem to be making about all this. On your last thread you were saying that when your husband confessed his own indiscretion from 8 years previously, your marriage was in a better place than it had been when he'd had his own affair.
I know some posters wisely queried whether you thought there was a link between his confession and the fact you started an affair a short while afterwards, but you weren't saying that and you hadn't made the link.
Maybe there is a link, maybe there isn't. I don't think anyone should assume it, because let's face it, it could have been just as much to do with what you yourself said on that thread; that you were feeling a bit bored and restless when you got back in touch with the old flame.
I'm so sorry that you're having to face this termination alone. It's heart-breaking. I'm also really sorry that the OM has been such a cruel, cold bastard. Personally, I wouldn't feel that bad about telling his wife about the pregnancy. I wish you hadn't done it by text and had spoken to her directly, because it sounds on this thread as though she's been appealing to you woman-to-woman and let's face it, she's hurting too and didn't have your choices . But it's no bad thing that she knows now her husband was lying to her about ending the affair.
I agree that you need to face the decisions you make about the termination, give yourself a bit of healing time and then talk to your husband. There's a risk that the OM's wife will get in first and tell him, but she might still be in such a state of shock from your text that she'll be trying to sort her own life out first.
Good luck love. I'm really thinking of you and in a cyber way, holding your hand.
Op - I'm thinking of you and really feel for you. Lots of good advice here but virtually holding your hand too. Take care of yourself
I've noticed the OP has disappeared
The op went for counselling last night, and is busy at work all week.
She has lots to think about and lots to do.
Thanks for all the replies, advice and food for thought. It has been really helpful.
I cannot tell you how touched I am by offers to come with me on Friday and by the PMs I have received. It is so lovely of you - dont feel I deserve it.
I have postponed the termination, as many of you suggested. I do feel I need a bit more time to contemplate whether it is the right decision.
Counselling at Relate was so helpful. Lovely, non-judgemental woman who helped me start to separate out the many issues. However, although she is happy to continue seeing me she also think I need additional counselling regardong the termination, and longer term, to look at issues wider than my relationship/s. I'm going to look in to that.
At work now, but will pop back later. x
I am glad things look a bit brighter for you Hey. You sound much calmer. More counselling sounds like a great idea, so that you can really get straight in your mind what it is you want.
I think that's a really good start. I hope you can now take the time to think about what is best for you.
I'm so glad you found the Relate session helpful (and what good timing).
You do sound much calmer, and in both threads you've come across as emotionally resourceful and level-headed. Good luck to you (although I don't think you'll need it).
PS: I was one of the people who offered a RL hand-hold, and that offer stands.
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