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End of Affair - update

(146 Posts)
HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 11:04:44

I can’t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM’s, as I haven’t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do – tell the OM / don’t tell him, tell DH / don’t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ‘something important’ and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn’t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ‘news’, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don’t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ‘you are obviously on the warpath and I don’t want to argue with you’. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can’t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair – this is it. It’s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

colafrosties Mon 01-Jul-13 11:34:16

Accept that the affair is over, you no longer have any claim on this man.

If I was in your situation I would have the termination and use it as a starting point to rebuilding my life.

shameshame Mon 01-Jul-13 11:44:16

Come on HeyFeverrr - you can do this.

My heart goes out to you. You are not a fraud, you are on the right track. You have ended the affair, found out what a scumbag OM was, you are going to counselling, you WILL come out of this the other side. The pregnancy is a setback but you will be okay. YOU WILL GET OVER IT. This will be the catalyst to move you onto better things and do some real soul searching. Going by the assumption the termination is your final decision, can you get all the tablets in one day? This would prevent an anxious and traumatic weekend. PM me any time if you want to - I have had a medical abortion if there's anything you want to discuss about the details.

SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. YOU WILL BE OKAY.

skyeskyeskye Mon 01-Jul-13 11:44:55

I am very sorry for you that you find yourself on your own in this position.

Your OM has shown his true colours and yes your eyes have been opened wide to the dangers of an affair. Please have no further contact with this man ever. But also be prepared for the fact that his wife may well contact your H.

Have your counselling, work out if you want to be married to your H and how you can save your marriage if you want to. But its one hell of a skeleton to keep in the closet sad

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 11:48:19

You need to tell your husband before someone else does. That poor man.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 01-Jul-13 11:54:31

Tell your husband.

This is cataclysmic. He will know that something is wrong. You are mourn ing the end of an affair, in shock from how OM has behaved, and you have an unexpected pregnancy/abortion to deal with. You don't need the risk that somebody else will tell your husband too.

Yes it will be hard, but it always would have been. Nobody reacts well to finding out about an affair, but it's a given when you start one that your partner will find out sooner or later. It's just one of those things that you have to get through now, and deal with the consequences whatever they may be.

If you don't tell him, you'll live in fear of him finding out. Take the bull by the horns and come clean. You can start healing then, and make plans to move forward. Otherwise you'll just get stuck in a cycle of not moving forward.

You can do it, because you have too. You'll do it.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 11:58:24

Not sure what to say.
<hand holding>
Have you told anyone in rl?

I think its best to use it as a lesson whats done is done
Do you have a friend to go with you?

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 11:59:57

I suppose because he has had an affair too, that he will understand better, if you choose to tell him?
-not sure if it works like that, or not.

maleview70 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:00:40

You also owe it to your husband to decide if he wants to stay with you or not. If he does then you can dd use if you want to work at it. If he doesn't then at least you can walk away with the weight of deceit lifted off your shoulder!

OiMissus Mon 01-Jul-13 12:00:44

Sympathies. This is indeed a mess.
I think that you are trying to handle too many things at once, and therefore running in rings and getting no clarity.
You probably need to handle each issue individually.
The affair is over. there's nothing you can do about this. Accept it. Try and move on. (Feeling hurt that he may not believe you is just your pride. Forget it. There are bigger issues at stake, and worrying/hurting over your pride is taking up precious time and emotion that you don't have/can't afford.)
The termination - how do you feel about this? Can you handle it? Can you handle it alone? Will it tear you up so much that it will come out in the future, with your husband? because if you are emotionally attached, it may be better to involve your husband now.
Your husband - honestly, what is your future together - what do you want?

I'd love to think - for your sake - that you can do this alone. Get the termination. Put on a brave face. Put the affair behind you. Work through the issues with your H without him ever knowing any of this.

But I don't know how much of this would be wishful thinking. Especially now the OM's wife knows. I haven't read the other thread, so I don't know how likely this is going to get back to your H.
Maybe honesty is the best policy. However, it would most probably bring an end to your marriage. Could your H handle the fact that you had an affair, nevermind got pregnant?

You can get though this. This is a horrid period in your life. It's a mess now, but it won't always be. Good on you for going to Relate. I hope they can help you get clarity and deal with this.

colafrosties Mon 01-Jul-13 12:00:45

I would say at the very least phone in sick for a couple of days, give yourself some time to deal with this.

maleview70 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:01:24

Decide if not dd use!

Oh you poor thing.

In a few weeks time all this will be just a bad dream. In a year or two, you will be able to look back at it and understand more about yourself. You will get over it all and in a short while, life can be better. Be strong.

HeySoulSister Mon 01-Jul-13 12:03:13

Yeah any RL support? Telling him now, this week, would add to your stress, I'd hold off on that just yet

Take it a day at a time to get through the week.

Branleuse Mon 01-Jul-13 12:05:49

why did you tell his wife. dont you think shes been hurt enough.
how come you didnt use that energy to maybe let your poor husband know what youve done. youre trying to drag everone down with you now and bejng vindictive. let them work on their marriage and you concentrate on yours

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:06:45

What you did in telling the OM's wife is nothing short of vindictive and cruel.

I am not sure why you were at all surprised by this married man's reaction to your bombshell.

You do realise now that you are being painted as the bunny boiling bitch who at the very least is lying about being pg or did it on purpose by this cockroach of a man, and his wife may well insist on your husband being put in the picture

My advice (FWIW). Cut off all contact with OM and stop trying to destroy his family like you feel he has destroyed you. Get through the termination (if this is what you want). Tell your husband everything and see where the pieces fall.

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 01-Jul-13 12:08:32

I don't often have sympathy for OW but you have found you have got yourself into a terrible situation and obviously have a lot to cope with right now.

You are remorseful so it sounds like you can change things for the better, you can do it.

counselling is a great idea and I would prepare yourself for the possibility of om's wife informing your dh at some point

specialsubject Mon 01-Jul-13 12:11:37

what's done is indeed done. End all contact and have the termination.

as others note, it would be fair to come clean with your husband - there is clearly something badly wrong with your marriage anyway. He deserves all the facts, same as you have all the facts. Secrets like this just fester.

you can then both decide if you want to continue with the marriage.

we all make mistakes. I wish you and your husband luck with the future and better times ahead.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Jul-13 12:12:38

You DO need to tell your husband. Rightly or wrongly, you've now told OM's wife and you have no control over her actions. It was a spiteful thing to do, possibly not helped by hormones and stress.

It's wrong that you need to go through this by yourself, OM should take responsibility too, but I get the feeling that he won't. Did he end the affair?

I hope you have some RL friends to support you because it doesn't look as if the OM will take on that role. I'm sorry for your pain and hope that it subsides soon. Please don't contact OM's wife again though.

Feckssake Mon 01-Jul-13 12:13:36

I'm on your side. You got caught up in the whole fantasy, and the worst thing happened. It is your fault, but you don't deserve to go through it alone. Remind yourself that you will not feel this shit in even two week's time, and just soldier on through it. Recognise that things are bleak, and will be for a short period.

And then get yourself back on track. My sympathies on the termination.

OnTheNingNangNong Mon 01-Jul-13 12:15:52

You have to tell your husband, you must. Especially if anything happens to you, he needs to know.

The OM is a cunt, they usually are. Sadly it is this way. You do have my sympathies.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Jul-13 12:17:11

I think you should think carefully before telling your DH right now, before the termination. It might be tempting, but if you are going to save your marriage, you will need to put him first, I'm not sure that at this stage you are going to be able to put him first and deal with the emotions round the termination. If you do decide to tell him, wait until things have calmed down.

something2say Mon 01-Jul-13 12:17:39

Hello my dear.
I will hold your hand through this as well.

My advice for now - try not to think about it. Try to get through today at work. And then tonight at home. And try to get some rest, if not sleep.

Get through the week that way.

Try to avoid the married man, and possibly also your husband.

Once the termination is over, maybe take a bit of time off work and have a good think about yourself.

But not yet.

I will hold your hand xxx

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:21:32

Thank you.

I cannot tell my husband this week. I have to protect myself a little longer, as I literally feel I might have a complete breakdown if I create any more more arguments and drama right now.

I cannot tell anyone in RL. I am too ashamed.

I know I was vindictive in telling his wife. No excuses - I was in a rage of absolute hurt and anguish and part of me just wanted to lash out. But there was also a part of me that was appealing to her. She texted me several times when she discovered the affair appealing to me - she said 'he is lying to both of us' etc. I guess I wanted to respond to that given this new situation, to say YES he is still lying and now he refuses to acknowledge a pregnancy that came about from this affair. I wanted her to know in that split second. I do regret it.

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