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I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

(137 Posts)
Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:09:43

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

Sorry for your loss.

Don't make any big decisions just yet, people do cope differently. Some need to talk, some want to bury their heads in the sand.

Hope your surgery goes smoothly flowers

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:02

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I too would be upset by that, some may say that's his way of dealing with it, but it is still not good enough.

Do you have any friends or family who can support you?

YDdraigGoch Sun 30-Jun-13 16:16:26

Do you have anyone else who can support you OP?
I don't think men feel quite the same about miscarriage. They weren't pregnant, and don't have to cope with the blood etc, so it's not quite as "real" as it is to women, especially in the early days, when you don't even look pregnant.
I wouldn't be hard on him - we all cope in different ways, but I would explain to him how you feel, and ask him for some support.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Jun-13 16:18:08

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

His behaviour is really shoddy. He should be there supporting you because you are having a tough time. Regardless of his personal feelings, you need him and he has buggered off.

Do you have children together already?

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:23:45

No we don't, this would have been our first, we have been married just under a year. It's not that he doesn't feel the same way, he is really upset too, its kind of like he is blaming me, in the hospital he tried to suggest it was my fault for doing an exercise class last week (one he encouraged me to do ) he always has to take his upset out on someone else, usually me. on the way home from the hospital, I asked him twice how he was, he ddint ask me once

elfycat Sun 30-Jun-13 16:31:56

He's muddling through his emotions. Blame (re exercise class) is a phase in grief. He is feeling it.

But he should be supporting you who cannot run away from it and watch TV to get your mind off of it all. He probably thinks that if he carries on as normal then it will all BE normal somehow.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Do you have more support you can call on?

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:44:07

yes i have loads, great parents and fantastic friends but it was my husband i wanted, thanks x

I don't blame you. I don't think I could forgive that either. So what if he doesn't get the impact of miscarriage - he knows his wife is distressed, possibly in pain and about to go for an operation under general anaesthetic tomorrow. Normal human compassion should tell him to be there with her.

I'm so sorry xxx

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 16:56:39

Its just got worse, he has just come in and said 'the reason i have been out all afternoon is that I am worrying what the fuck is wrong with you that you cant carty my baby' i have had two miscarriages in the long distant past long before i met him. i think its the worst thing anyone has said to me

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:00:31

Oh OP.

I'm so sorry. For the loss of your baby and for this.

I have had five miscarriages and if dh had ever said that to me we would have been finished, I think.

It is no excuse whatsoever, but is he drunk?

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:02:09

(PS it may well not be the top of your list now, but if you have had three (consecutive?) miscarriages you might want to consider being referred for testing/to a recurrent mc clinic)

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:02:36

no he hasn't had one drink

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

What your husband has said is utterly horrible - no excuse for that no matter how upset he is. Quite unbelievable that he could be that insensitive. Has he been like this before - does he normally speak to you like that?

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice but here for hand holding flowers

I'm sorry OP, that is a disgraceful thing to say.

The behaviour after you found out you've lost your baby is bad enough but to say something like that would have me packing his bags and telling him to leave.

Can you get friends round to be with you? Or your parents?

Ashoething Sun 30-Jun-13 17:05:55

That is a truly horrible thing to say op-I am so sorry. I have had a lot of miscarriages-including 3 late ones. My dh and I dealt with them in very very different ways but never once did dh say anything about my inability to carry our babies. I blamed myself a lot but he never did.

This is appalling behaviour and while I accept he may be very upset,shocked himself-I think he will have a lot of apologising to do if you are to recover from this.

themaltesecat Sun 30-Jun-13 17:07:00

He sounds utterly vile.

I am so sorry about your baby. flowers

Fairypants Sun 30-Jun-13 17:07:16

I'm so sorry for you. You really deserve so much more support than he is giving you right now.
My guess is that he is just really bad at dealing with his own feelings and is externalising his grief. It really isn't about you so please don't take a thing he said personally.
That said, do you want to have to put up with this behaviour every time anything goes wrong in his life?
Now is not the time to start dissecting your relationship though, you have enough loss to deal with. I hope you have someone with you to provide the support you need and deserve.

Vivacia Sun 30-Jun-13 17:08:12

I feel terrible for you, this is an inexcusable thing to say. Do you have to stay in the same house as him tonight?

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:11:53

I think he needs a night away from home to reflect on what he stands to lose and start considering how he can attempt to put this right.

Please lean on family and friends. Your husband is behaving terribly.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:12:30

fairypants, you have it spot on, it's all about his grief, doesnt make it ok though. it is possibly the cruellest thing anyone could say to me, i have spent the afternoon blaming myself because i got a manicure yesterday and wondering if thats why

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Jun-13 17:14:53

A manicure?

He is behaving like an absolute cunt. Unless he comes grovelling in the next 24 hours I would be going to see a solicitor.

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 17:15:22

I think I would be finding it harder to forgive him opinion it was your fault you lost the baby than the fact he has pissed off to his friend's tbh.

Tweasels Sun 30-Jun-13 17:17:33

Not acceptable in any circumstances. That would be it for me I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been there and know how you feel. You don't need that twat making things worse.

Go somewhere else tonight and have a think about what you want to do x

saintmerryweather Sun 30-Jun-13 17:18:06

that is a disgusting vile thing to say to you, i wouldnt ever be able to forgive that. i felt like id been kicked when i read it so i cant imagine how it felt to hear it from someone who is supposed to love you. hugs for you x

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 17:18:34

Holy crap! shock Just read what he said about something being wrong with you angry. I think I would be packing his bags tbh.

Why would you think having a manicure would bring on a miscarriage?

OrangeLily Sun 30-Jun-13 17:19:27

What a fucking vile arsehole.

I'm so sorry your baby died and your H is a fucking idiot.

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 17:19:56

Norma, doing normal everyday things doesn't cause miscarriage, honestly. Miscarriages are due to things like chromosome problems in the baby, unrecognised clotting or immune problems in the mother, certain infections, but certainly not manicures or exercise classes. Please don't worry about that.

Fairypants Sun 30-Jun-13 17:20:27

Please don't think for a second I was suggesting its ok-his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable no matter what.
I was just trying to suggest why, so that you can feel more confidant that it really isn't you, it's him. He is so clearly in the wrong it's untrue.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:21:27

Thanks all, I am going to ask my mum to come over, she will go with me tommorrow, I am just going to get through the next 24 hrs and see how I feel, i deserve better than this.

I take back what I said before then. He is being spiteful and cruel.

notaverynicemum Sun 30-Jun-13 17:25:43

I am so sorry for you loss.

Am utterly shocked at your husbands behaviour and attitude. Yes he is grieving, hurt, shocked upset but where do fit into all that as far as he is concerned.

His comments were vile and I am not sure I could forgive them.

You are right - just get through the next 24 hours and see how you feel then.

Good luck tomorrow x

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 30-Jun-13 17:28:00

Bin him. Disgusting thing to say to you.

Icantstopeatinglol Sun 30-Jun-13 17:28:39

Namechanging, I'm so sorry for your loss and sending you support and hand holding through the next 24hrs. I also think what your dh said was unforgivable but to be honest I also think you need to put all your energy into getting yourself through tomorrow.
Let your mum see you through the next few days then see how you feel. I think you do need to think aswell about how he's going to react in the future if you have anything else happen when you need his support.

Diagonally Sun 30-Jun-13 17:37:11

What a vile, selfish pig of a man.

Gather your Mum and friends around you, you deserve to supported with love and care.

There's no place in a woman's life for a "husband" like this.

sameoldIggi Sun 30-Jun-13 17:39:54

Even decent men can go a bit quiet, possibly even AWOL when something awful happens to them.
But NO decent man would say to his wife what he has said to you today. It's easy to get on well with a partner in the good times, I always think how you deal with bad times is what marks your relationship out as successful or not. He is utterly unfair and I'm not sure what he could say to make up for this.
Nothing you did has made this happen. I've had four and have done all the guilt tripping, but as time passes (and the more you know about mc) you realise they are not caused by individual actions like exercising.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:42:24

he is refusing to leave the house and is apparently 'not going to get violent' even though I am provoking him and trying to make him apoarently by asking him to leave, as ever its all about him

This is absolutely awful.

The very fact that he cannot look past how it has affected him, and think about how it might affect you also, points to him being very self absorbed and lacking in empathy, meaning he is unable to give any sympathy.

What he has done is very wrong. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and for the fact that your husband is not supporting you.

For now, you need to concentrate on yourself. Glad you have your mom. Might I suggest that you stay with her for a couple of days too, or have her stay with you. You will need her.

Then, I fear that at some point soon you will have to address this with your husband. I would personally suggest some couples counselling, but you cannot continue having this sort of reaction every time something goes wrong. It's terrible, and a terrible way to treat someone.

Hugs xx

sameoldIggi Sun 30-Jun-13 17:46:06

If you're going with your dm for the appointment, why not just pack a bag and go to hers now. When you are released you'll need to be cared for so stay at your mum's. this isn't acceptable

Namechanging - if he's going to be so pig headed - could you perhaps go and stay at a hotel for a couple of nights? Or stay with friends/ family?

You need calm and peace and to relax wherever you are.

I've got to admit that DP can be a bit stubborn like this when we are arguing. He doesn't get the idea of space, and somehow feels like if he sticks around, or constantly tries to talk to me, we will resolve things quicker. But I know the value of taking time out to think - something I would guess you both need to do right now.

Agree with sameold

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 17:50:17

This man seems to be escalating things very quickly.

I would get some stuff and go to my mums if I was you.

garlicnutty Sun 30-Jun-13 17:50:38

Oh, darling, what a horrible way to find out you're with an arse.

I thought I was just going to reply to your OP with much sympathy for the nightmarish experience of finding out your baby hasn't "stuck". What with all your hormones dancing a jig on all the social expectations and your own emotions, it's truly ghastly. And exhausting.

I have never forgiven the friends who blatantly failed to support me through my last & worst m/c. I'm not a grudge-bearer, and I do appreciate their reasons, but they failed me in my time of need and it scarred my feelings for them.

I would have supported you feeling you couldn't get back from your H letting you down in this way ... and then I saw your 16:56 update shock shock shock What an absolute cunt!

No. Do not forgive this. Ever. You deserve a great deal better.

Surround yourself with as much support you can get, and cry as much as you need. xxxxx

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:51:43

My mum lives in another city about an hour away, I cant face the drive and need to be here for the hospital in the morning so she will come here later, h has a lot of respect for my parents and they will either talk some sense into him or he will leave if they ask him too.

Wellwobbly Sun 30-Jun-13 17:52:09

These are such red flags, please don't deny or minimise.

Problem: withdraw, then project. Emotionally unavailable, punishing.

Bad, bad bad signs regarding his ability to have empathy, to meet you half way, care about you, be there for you.

These are bad, immature and nasty signs OP. You are looking at your future loneliness.

Wellwobbly Sun 30-Jun-13 17:53:29

(I also dealt w my misc. on my own. Didn't really notice the signs at the time, I so hope you do).

groundhogmum Sun 30-Jun-13 17:53:59

I'm so sorry for your loss, your husband is absolutely vile to have said such awful things.

You have a hard time to get through physically and emotionally over the next few weeks so I would agree with pp and suggest staying elsewhere for now.

Don't engage in an argument, conserve your energy for getting through tomorrow and beyond with the rest of your family to support you. flowers

garlicnutty Sun 30-Jun-13 17:57:37

he is apparently 'not going to get violent' even though I am provoking him and trying to make him

This is a very big warning, Norma. He's going to get violent and blame you.

happyhev Sun 30-Jun-13 18:00:43

I'am very sorry for your loss. Your husband saying that he's 'not going to get violent' is a veiled threat and totally unacceptable. He's essentially saying that if he does get violent it's your fault for provoking him. Please take care, none of this is your fault.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:04:58

I'm sorry for your loss op, I had three mc before dd came along and it was heartbreaking.
If my dp had ever said anything like that to me I would have been devastated! (not that he ever would have)

Also I'm getting increasingly alarmed at your posts. I had an abusive relationship in the past and it sounds like your dh is building up to this.
It sounds like he has already started the emotional abuse and saying he wont get violent even though you are provoking him is a THREAT! No normal man says this.

Pregnancy and babies tend to make assholes like this so much worse. Please consider carefully your options.
Apologies if Im reading too much into this, it just seems awfully similar....

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 18:05:58

Scared of your parents more like. He should have respect for his wife ffs.

I'm so sorry thanks what a terrible day you're having.

Whatever excuses anyone comes up with, this attitude from him does not bode well for the future, for a lifetime together.

Those spiteful remarks reveal a totally unsuitable person to spend your life with, and have children with. There will always be difficulties to face in life, and one of the good bits about being in a marriage or long term relationship is that you have someone by your side to share them with.

What he has said is devastating and terrible in itself. But the fact that he's the type of person to behave like this when the bad times happen, would be a big warning to me about what life with him is going to be like.

I'm so sorry, and hope your DM gets there soon.

Your H should be ashamed of himself.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:10:51

Don't mistake the desire to seem like a great reasonable guy infront of your parents for respect.

Once again apologies if I'm out of line but my ex always had to behave like a 'great' guy infront of everyone else. I know they were all very shocked when I ended up with black eyes.

I really feel you should google red flags op, you are very vulnerable at the moment, don't let anyone make you think for a second that your loss is in any way a failing or fault of yours.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 30-Jun-13 18:13:16

I'm sorry for your loss, what an awful thing to say to you. I don't know what to advise

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Sun 30-Jun-13 18:17:49

Fuck me, that might be the most insensitive thing I have ever heard.

So sorry for your loss xxxx

If your mum can come sooner, rather than later, then that would be best. Have you told her what he has said? Does she know that he has said he is 'not going to get violent'?

Because that is a peculiar thing for a man to say to his wife while she is in the middle of losing their baby.

Unless violence has been on the agenda before.

If someone said that to my daughter, wild horses wouldn't keep me away a second longer than necessary, so hope you've told her and she's on her way.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 30-Jun-13 18:19:02

What a fucking bastard. It may have been just about possible to maybe perhaps forgive him for not being there for you, but the fact that he blames you in such a nasty way and his subsequent behaviour and (veiled) threat of violence would be, for me, unforgivable. What an arsehole. Has he ever been violent?

I've had a miscarriage and I don't know how I would have coped without my husband's full support.

I'm glad your mum is coming later. I'm so sorry. sad

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:22:42

Compassion: fail

Care: fail

Empathy: fail

Kindness: fail

He perceives you as faulty goods, OP.

He and his attitude stink. He needs to go. If we're going to reduce the value and purpose of human beings to a functional level as he does, he's just demonstrated he is of no use to you whatsoever.

bbqsummer Sun 30-Jun-13 18:27:21

Has he not considered the possibility that in fact his sperm wasn't up to scratch?

Is he usually this entitled? Does he have a small dick by any chance?

Very very sorry you have lost your baby OP, but don't consider having another one with this git.

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 18:27:30

I am so sorry for you. I have lost 2 babies and know a bit of how you must be feeling. I am also really worried about you. If you are in anyway near to me I will come like a shot if you want some support.

Corygal Sun 30-Jun-13 18:28:48

He's the one with something wrong with him, love. He needs to go. I'm terribly terribly sorry this has happened on top of an mc, which you must be feeling dreadful about. But binning this repellent freak might be the one bit of good news to come out this.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 30-Jun-13 18:28:56

He's an absolute cunt and you deserve better. So sorry for your loss.

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:29:11

Given what you've said, would you consider discreetly calling the police?

You are in an extremely vulnerable position right now and as others have said, the fact that he's said he won't get violent means he wants to be but for now is controlling it.

He is using fear and intimidation to manipulate you into not insisting he leaves.

You would not be unreasonable to tell the police you feel unsafe in your home tonight. I have no doubt they would advise your H to check into a B&B and give you some space.

Something to consider.

Twattergy Sun 30-Jun-13 18:31:17

So if you went on to have a baby with this man and if the baby was ill or had special needs of some sort, by his logic that'd be your fault, for not giving him a perfect baby...
Or when the baby won't sleep at night, that'll be your fault for nor giving him a baby that sleeps...
married life and children in particular is about shared responsibility, in good times and bad. Epic fail on his part.
I am sorry for your loss.

sad How appalling.

Sorry but he is a disgrace. Get rid.

TalkativeJim Sun 30-Jun-13 18:38:30

No, don't forgive this. That would be a mistake.

You are fortunate in that this utterly nasty piece of work has shown his true colours before you were tied to him by a child, or within an established long marriage.

He is giving you a taste of what life as his partner will really be like.

This is what he is like when the chips are down.

This is him. This is how much he cares for the person closest to him.

Wouldn't he be a fantastic, encouraging, kind, empathetic daddy?!

You've only been married a year. Cut your losses NOW. Go back to your parents after your surgery and just get away from him.

He's not only fucking nasty, he's also thick as shit, incidentally. Blaming you for a very early miscarriage? Does he know how common that is (answer: guess not) and how they really, really do not happen because someone has, um, done an exercise class?

Twat.

Likes to throw his weight around too, doesn't he? Showing his displeasure to the little wifey who can't 'carry HIS baby'? Um, nice flash of 'possessive caveman arsehole' there. Oh, and he 'won't get violent' - a nice reminder that he could, if he so chose.

Twat, twat, twat.

You've had a blessed early display of what this utter loser is like.

I'm sorry you lost your baby. Please take this opportunity to save your future babies from having this horrible man as a father.

Leverette Sun 30-Jun-13 18:41:36

Brilliant post, TalkativeJim.

3littlefrogs Sun 30-Jun-13 18:44:57

OP, he sounds horrible. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

I am sorry to ask that question when you are going through such an awful time, but honestly, this may be a wake up call. sad

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 18:48:15

I am going to my parents post surgery tomorrow, I am going to deal with the rest later.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 30-Jun-13 18:48:17

Really hope your mum has arrived and you are ok op

TalkativeJim Sun 30-Jun-13 18:54:19

Oh and by the way, a warning.

If you (as I hope you will do) leave him as a result of this, what will almost certainly happen is that he will respond in an absolute whirlwind of apologies, tears, mini-breakdowns.

He is so, so sorry. Yes, he understands how awful and wrong he has been. He doesn't know why he reacted as he did. Wait, no, he does know. It's because (as you know) he finds it soooo difficult to manage his emotions. He was distraught, absolutely DISTRAUGHT at what was happening and because he's just a poor confused bloke who doesn't do emotions well, he just lashed out. Of course he didn't mean any of it. You knew what he was like when you married him! He says these things when he's upset, but he doesn't mean any of them. And - he was afraid! Afraid of what was to happen next. He pushed you away because he went on the defensive. Didn't want to face up to it. It'll never happen again. He can't possibly lose you - please don't go - he's learned his lesson, and from now on your relationship will be BETTER, because this has really made him think, and he will change...

Blah blah blah.

One thing I have learned in my many years on this earth. People really never, never do change. Not when they're over about 25. And, most especially, they never change if they are, at heart, fucking nasty people.

It takes a certain kind of bastard to look at your supposed beloved, who you married less than a year ago, at their lowest ebb, and for your gut reaction to be to WANT to hurt them MORE. Can you imagine treating anyone like that, let alone your partner? It's quite unusually nasty.

You don't act like that on a whim.

Really, you should walk away from this man and this 'marriage' right now. Go, don't look back. Read a few threads on here and heed the warning signs, and no matter how much he tries to recover ground - this is your warning. Don't look back in ten years and wish to goodness you had heeded it.

Ginderella Sun 30-Jun-13 18:58:00

TalkativeJim - terrific post.

Namechangingnorma Sun 30-Jun-13 19:10:20

talkative - it already sounds familiar

KnittedC Sun 30-Jun-13 19:15:47

Norma, your husband sounds truly horrible. And I mean nasty to the core. Could you ever imagine treating him (or anyone else for that matter) in such a revolting, cruel, unkind fashion at their most vulnerable? Didn't think so.

His words and actions are telling you clearly who he truly is. You don't need to put up with such shit from anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love you.

Don't forgive, don't forget. I've never said this before but you need to LTB. You deserve much much better.

TalkativeJim Sun 30-Jun-13 19:26:27

I wish you all the strength in the world. Easy for folk here to say get away, leave him... not so easy to walk away from what you see as home, family, your entire life's set-up.

But I think you know that you aren't going to be happy, loved, have the life you'd like to have, with this particular person.

It's easy to get lulled into such familiarity with poor behaviour that you don't see it anymore. It sounds awful but I'd call you lucky for having been on the receiving end of this now, instead of in five years' time with two babies clutching your legs in fear.

No matter what he says, this is him.

You sound lovely, with lovely friends and a good family. You will be fine, you really will.

There are good men out there.

bbqsummer Sun 30-Jun-13 19:33:12

Wonderful stuff "talkative".

Dcs clutching your legs in fear - great image. Very salutary.

Listen out op. You will get great support on here.

juniperjen Sun 30-Jun-13 19:43:06

Im so sorry for your loss. I have been in the same boat and my OH is a soldier and behaved exactly the same way. It's not that the boys dont care, thats just how they process recent events. It's not nice, but you married him for a reason so cling to this memory for now. Be strong and I hope all goes well for you. Life comes to us all at the right time when it's meant to be. It could have been a blessing in disguise is how I like to think of my loss. xx

spiderlight Sun 30-Jun-13 19:43:26

So sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I lost a baby last year and it was heartbreaking, but to have your husband react like this is truly unforgivable. Sending you strength and a hand to hold, and you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Jun-13 19:48:43

Juniper - nasty bullies maybe, not decent, loving husbands.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 30-Jun-13 19:54:59

Juniperjen, I assume you haven't read the whole thread...

MissStrawberry Sun 30-Jun-13 19:57:00

A blessing in disguise to someone who lost their baby hours ago? Really?

Life with children is f... hard. If he is that selfish now, and blames you for what is going wrong, now when things are much easier (no sleep deprivation, no screaming babies, no worries, no tantruns, etc etc) you may not want this man around when you are tired dealing with a baby or a toddler...

Btw, sorry for your loss, hope you get support from nicer people.

PicardyThird Sun 30-Jun-13 20:03:46

Juniper:

My dh has 'been crap' with my miscarriages. By which I mean he sees them very much as 'the rough with the smooth' and doesn't at all get the emotional and indeed the physical impact on me, which has meant he has seemed detached and uncaring at various points. But he responded to me telling him so and he has always looked after me whenever I needed it.

It has absolutely nothing to do with 'processing recent events' to imply to your wife, in her grief and loss, that she is defective, at fault. I would categorise that as sticking the knife in.

OP may have married him for a reason, but now she has more than one reason to reconsider that marriage very carefully. She is not in the slightest obliged to 'cling' to any good times they may have had in order to minimise what he has done and keep the peace.

You may have made your choice to put up with abusive behaviour - I don't know, you have said very little about your relationship - but please don't tell the OP to do the same.

BombJack Sun 30-Jun-13 20:07:53

These are not in any sense the "normal" responses to a man finding out his partner is going through a miscarriage. My wife and I lost our first child at 6.5 weeks. I still beat myself up about not getting home from work quickly enough after she phoned me (took me 2.5 hours due to trains, etc.).

Going out to his mate's like that is downright shameful. Attempting to blame your exercise class is outrageous - 60 seconds on google would inform him of the likely reasons for a miscarriage (already mentioned upthread).

And the comment about something being "Wrong" with you!?! WTAF? Does he not realise, if there were a Chromosomal Abnormality (most likely reason for the MC), it's as likely to be from the sperm, as the egg?

Finally, we have passive-aggressive escalation, "I'm not going to get violent...". This guy has got some serious, serious personality flaws.

Please take solace in the fact you have done NOTHING wrong.

And, my advice going forward is to ditch this ThunderCunt! TalkativeJim has it spot on...

ginhag Sun 30-Jun-13 20:15:30

Norma I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it would have done to me if DP had said something so utterly callous and cruel when I had my MCs.

It nearly made me cry on your behalf TBH.

Listen to TalkativeJim (and others.) That is NOT a normal way to behave UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Not grief, not shock, NOTHING excuses it.

Hope your mum looks after you and gives you the love and support you deserve.

Massive hugs to you xxxx

Oh, OP, you poor POOR thing.

You know - my mouth actually fell open when I read what he said to you.

You will do what you decide is right, that is of course what any of us will do. But PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TOLD YOU. This is who he is. Are you hearing him???

You need to think SO hard about what your next steps are. One year in and he blames YOU??? I am so fucking outraged on your behalf. I have had three miscarriages and the anguish that you are going through is something I remember only too well. And he stands there and blames you?

He is a child. Honestly - I would be looking at legalities at this point. I don't think he sounds as if he is worth your effort and love. I really don't.

I am SO very sorry for the loss of your child, I really am.

Ahhh there's another juniper on this thread!!!

Glad to hear you're getting some breathing space chick.

ArcticBlast Sun 30-Jun-13 20:38:00

I am so sorry for your loss. The hurt of that loss can seem unbearable at times so please surround yourself with only those that love you, care for you & will allow you the time & space to grieve.
suffice to say the longer you keep your H at bay and allow yourself to get your strength back ...you will in time feel well enough to decide where your future happiness lies.
until that time, take very good care.thanks thanks

Butterflywgs Sun 30-Jun-13 20:56:33

OP, hugs and so sorry to hear of the mc. Such an awful experience.
I have to agree with the vast majority of posts (please ignore juniperjen's). YES, this is unforgivable. Your H is a bastard. His behaviour is cruel and vicious, it is emotional abuse. How DARE he blame you for the mc.
It could (will) escalate. He's already making veiled threats to be violent. Do you think that was 'just' hot air (if so he's still an arsehole, 'at least I don't beat you up' is NOT the minimum criterion for being a decent man) - or might he actually be violent? If so, please, please, quickly pack a bag and leave NOW.
Is your mum there yet?
Many hugs.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 30-Jun-13 21:28:58

Dear OP, I am absolutely disgusted at your H. What a vile, poor excuse for a human being!
I notice you said he encouraged you to do an exercise class! Does he have a problem with your weight and figure and goes on about you doing classes?
I don't think I could forgive that - ever!

Lweji Sun 30-Jun-13 22:13:21

I was giving the benefit of the doubt on your first post, then I was shocked.

Please don't have babies with this man.

whitemonkey Sun 30-Jun-13 22:22:06

There is a saying which i think I first heard on mumsnet 'when someone tells you who they are, listen'.

His behaviour is disgusting and unforgivable.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Sun 30-Jun-13 22:32:25

The Chips are down and he is blaming you and making things worse.
All you need to know.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Sun 30-Jun-13 22:35:25

So sorry btw. I had the same and it was very sad. Incidentally I asked the hospital to keep the baby / pregnancy remains and I had a cremation service.. But I think you have to ask for this x

mellicauli Sun 30-Jun-13 22:38:59

So sad to read your post. I think you had it figured when you said that it was all about him. If he can make this all about him, then surely everything you ever do married to him will be about him? Can you live with that? How will "you" survive?

Doha Sun 30-Jun-13 22:42:00

I have had 6 miscarriages with my DH at various stages of pregnancy, Never once was he anything but caring and supportive of me often at his own expense. Relatives tended to forget that he was grieving too for the loss of his potential DC.
Never once did be blame me-even when l was diagnosed with a condition that caused the miscarriages, as he put it -he was with me for better or worse.
I could never forgive my DH if he had said anything so cruel to me as the OP's (D)P. I am so sorry for your loss as l know exactly how you feel. I hope you are finding good support from your family

newlifeforme Sun 30-Jun-13 23:25:42

I had an ectopic pg which was highly traumatic and my H was very unsupportive, although nothing so overt as your H.At the time, maybe due to the shock, I couldn't react to his lack of support but it had long lasting consequences.7 years down the line I realise that he had crossed a boundary and I should have ended the relationship then.I am now trying to deal with it but my resources are drained due to the years of neglect and invalidation.It never gets better, only worse.

I now look back and wonder why I didn't act, perhaps I felt I had invested so much already, or I was afraid to face reality.When you feel better and it will take several weeks for your hormones to settle down, come back here and consider why you are staying if that's the case.

Your H has let you down very badly, if your parents talk him around this time will they always be around to help?

Devora Sun 30-Jun-13 23:38:32

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't think I'd be able to find a way back after this, either.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Take great care.

BerkshireMum Mon 01-Jul-13 06:23:52

Just wanted to say that I hope your mum got there okay and that you now have someone to take care of you.

Other posters have given you great advice. Find a safe place to gather your strength and be loved and cared for before making your long-term plans. But remember his behaviour is NOT okay in any circumstances. I'll be thinking of you today.

Leverette Mon 01-Jul-13 06:33:13

Thinking of you today namechangingnorma. I hope you are well cared for at the hospital; I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Fragglewump Mon 01-Jul-13 06:38:23

Sending you strength today op. This pigs asshole man has shown you who he is. My pigs asshole exh kept his true colours hidden long enough for me to have a child with him. If I had known earlier i would have got out then!! Please make the right choice!

Inertia Mon 01-Jul-13 06:45:53

So sorry for your loss Norma, hope your mum is there for you today.

All of the things your husband has said and done are totally unforgivable. To abandon you while you are going through a mc is appalling ; to then blame you and make comments justifying the violence he thinks he deserves to inflict is inhumane. Please get the help you need to escape

PicaK Mon 01-Jul-13 07:04:33

Thinking of you today.

Concentrate on yourself and on physically and mentally recovering from your loss.

Branleuse Mon 01-Jul-13 07:30:27

He has been completely vile. I dont think you can realistically be happy with someone who thinks so little of you. That is one of the most horrible things ive heard

Sodapop55 Mon 01-Jul-13 07:59:07

He is a complete sack of shit, there's no other way to describe a person who would say things like that to his grieving partner. I realise this has to be very painful and shocking for you but you've had a lucky escape from this man and he has shown you his true self early on. Now when you have gathered your strength you can move on and find a man to have babies with who is worthy of the role. Hope your d&c goes smoothly and you feel better soon.

Mixxy Mon 01-Jul-13 08:12:53

Thinking of you today Norma. Hope your Mum has arrived to give you all the support you need.

Fozziebearmum2be Mon 01-Jul-13 08:29:22

Just concentrate on you today and your grief.

Thinking of you thanks

take care norma. so sorry for your loss. it is very, very hard.

i do think this is a wakeup call though. he said the worst thing he could say, and also subtly told you that he could get violent if he chose to.

think very carefully about what you want to do next. this man isn't prepared to provide support for you.

and 'not being able to handle emotions' is a crap excuse for behaving however the fuck he chooses and taking no responsibility for it.

good luck this morning. hope you get lots of tlc from your mum at home.

TalkativeJim Mon 01-Jul-13 08:58:52

Thinking of you today Norma, I hope it goes as well as it can and that your Mum is now there for support.

Rest in peace to your precious little one.

Just found this thread

Prayers for you norma thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 09:40:24

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the extra pain your H dished out. Hope your mother is with you now.

lydiajones Mon 01-Jul-13 09:45:59

So sorry for your loss.

Your husband sounds awful. If he is like this now how will he cope with all the ups and downs of married life and parenthood in the future. Treat this as a warning and carefully consider your options.

Thinking of you.x

spiderlight Mon 01-Jul-13 09:49:08

Thinking of you today flowers

NoRainNoRainbow Mon 01-Jul-13 10:02:37

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I hope everything goes ok today.

I had a very similar situation with my XP. He will only get worse, talkativejim has it spot on.

Please don't go back to him.

When bad things happen, people show you their true colours.......he has shown you his.

Don't fall for his tears, you will be miserable if you stay with him.

somanystripes Mon 01-Jul-13 10:21:33

I've just read the entire thread. You poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss and that your DH is being an utter shit. I can't believe anyone would say anything so cruel. The thing about something being wrong with you is horrendous. It sounds symptomatic of emotional abuse, tbh - is this the kind of thing he'd normally say when he's stressed or upset?

I had repeat miscarriages before I had DD, and fair to say, my DH never really understood how upset I was. After the third (I think) he went out on a planned night out with a mate and didn't come home until the early hours. I was so angry and upset, but in his mind there was nothing he could do, it had happened before and we knew what happened, so why cancel a perfectly good night out? It caused a massive row and just that wobbled my faith in him for a bit. I put it down to running away from things, and he has since grown up, thank God. I can safely say he wouldn't pull something like that now (he'd better not, or that would be it for us).

What you are talking about sounds different though. There's one thing to blow off steam because of grief (still no excuse to leave you unsupported), and another thing to be so utterly cruel, blaming and self-centred. When I started reading based on just your OP I thought people were being OTT to say leave him, but having read on and what else he's said ('I'm not going to get violent' - WTF does he want, a medal?!) I do actually agree that it sounds like you'd have a lucky escape to get out of the relationship now and have your kids (which you will) with someone who is going to nurture and care for you and them.

Miscarriages are just absolutely soul destroying, but having a child is also bloody hard and can put massive stress on a relationship. What the hell is he going to do if a DC doesn't sleep, has colic and screams all the time, has tantrums - blame you for your gestational skills? For not being a perfect enough mother? It's hard to see where this will end if he can blame you for something which is absolutely NOT your fault in any way and turn on you at the time you need him most.

lovesfastcars Mon 01-Jul-13 10:28:16

I hope you can get through today with the love and support of your Mum.

So sorry you have lost your baby.

When you are ready, please listen to all these posters telling you to get this man out of your life. This really is one of the cruelest and most evil ways to behave towards a distressed and vulnerable person.
This is not the actions of a kind and loving spouse who should be supporting and protecting you right now.
You KNOW this!
X

TheWysticManker Mon 01-Jul-13 10:40:25

What a horrible man. Generally I think there is a lot of LTB on this board when maybe things could be worked on, but for you husband to be so cruel and hurtful when you are very vulnerable, I'm not sure you should even consider 'forgiving' this.

You don't have children together. I would think very carefully about the life you are likely to have if you stay with this unpleasant person.

I hope all goes as well as can be expected today

skyeskyeskye Mon 01-Jul-13 11:01:58

Norma - I hope things go OK for you at the hospital today.

You have been given some good advice on here. Your H sounds like a nasty piece of work, treating you like this when you need his support. A family member of mine had 3 miscarriages and I have seen the grief that she has gone through. She was referred for testing after the third one.

There are no excuses that can be made for your husband's behaviour. Blaming you for it, then saying he wont get violent, is inexcusable.

I hope that with the love and support of your mum and family, that you can work out what to do for the best.

LJL69 Mon 01-Jul-13 11:17:49

Adding my best wishes to you today. Go to your parents and let yourself grieve and rest too. This is not your fault. These things happen and are often Mother nature's way of saying things were not right. Once you are stronger you can make the other decisions. I have to add that your partner's comments are vile. I suspect you already know what you need to do in the longer term.
Please know that many are thinking of you and wishing you the best

ginhag Mon 01-Jul-13 11:38:31

I'm thinking of you today too.

ChloeR32 Mon 01-Jul-13 11:51:23

I'm so sorry about your loss and I imagine that this feels like two losses at the moment - your baby and your husband - he's certainly not reacting the way a husband should. He might be angry about this and that he feels he can't control what happens - but to place any blame on you is utterly cowardly. I hate to say it but this might be a hint of things to come (if he can't tolerate feelings of loss etc) can you really be expected to support him when something as heartbreaking as this happens?
You're in a marriage and you should share this loss - not have whole lot of crap heaped on you.
I'm so sorry for what you must be going through and I truly hope that you find a way through this. One day/hour/second at a time ..
C x

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 01-Jul-13 12:03:35

Norma I am so so sorry, not only for your loss but for the double whammy of realising your H is not the man you thought/hoped he would be. You deserve far far better. Abandoning you is bad enough, blaming it on you is cowardly and utterly stupid and his other comments, including the thinly veiled threat of violence if you provoke him.... just despicable.

Wishing you all the strength in the world today for your op, and for the future as you try to separate yourself from this vile specimen, if that's what you decide on. No need to make any rushed decisions - by all means wait until you feel a little stronger, but I think he has well and truly lost any right to try to pressurise you into decisions about your future together and the decision needs to be yours. I am glad you have your parents to turn to.

tinypolkadot Mon 01-Jul-13 12:19:01

My thoughts are with you today namechanging, hope all goes well at the hospital. I am devastated for you about your husband’s reaction. Take good care of yourself and take as much time as you need to recover and get your head together.

50shadesofknackered Mon 01-Jul-13 16:19:01

Norma I'm so sorry for you loss, I hope all went well today and your back home being looked after by your mum now. Having a miscarriage is hard enough without the person who should be supporting you being a complete bastard. After my miscarriage I remember going over and over what I had done in the days leading up to it, things like were the shopping bags I carried too heavy, maybe I shouldn't have cleaned the bath etc. The point is it wasn't my fault, and this wasn't your fault, they were out of our control. The thing that you do have control over is whether you continue in a relationship with a 'man' who cares so little for your feelings. You deserve better than him and his vile treatment. Whatever he says or how pathetic sorry he seems if he really loved you he would have been with you, caring about you and crying with you. You deserve a man like this.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 01-Jul-13 19:18:45

Yes, it's true, you married this man for a reason. I'm guessing it was because you thought he was nice. However, it has now become apparent that he is not. All bets are off and it's up to you what you want to do about it. It's not just what he said, but that he was even thinking that way. You've only been married a year, you should be the centre of his universe. Instead you're being dismissed as a failed incubator of his precious sperm. Was that really what marriage was supposed to be about?

You have all my sympathy, but whilst I really really hope you do have a baby (or several!) in future, I also have to admit to hoping it will be with a better prospective father. This one is wired wrong.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Mon 01-Jul-13 22:23:42

Hope all has gone ok today and you are comfortable and being well looked after

cees Mon 01-Jul-13 22:31:30

I'm so sorry norma, I hope your safely tucked up and being looked after my your Mum.

Your husband is beyond cruel and selfish, you deserve so much more. Don't put up with it, he is a pig.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Mon 01-Jul-13 22:44:34

Oh and this is very common so no blaming of anyone least of all yourself to be done

Ridiculous comment of carrying my baby... As if we are just receptacles to carry babies for our superior menfolk!!

Namechangingnorma Tue 02-Jul-13 09:41:41

hi all, quick update, I am out and fine, bar a bit of pain. Unfortunately things got a lot worse the other night, i dont really have the strength to go into it now as I cant yet face reading the responses. I am now home, H apologised obviously and has had it made abundently clear how stupid, ignorant and cruel his comments were. i have made it clear i am not ready to discuss the future of our marriage yet, I want a couple of days to recover first.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Jul-13 09:46:47

Didn't expect to hear from you so soon, for now just rest, take very good care of yourself OP.

skyeskyeskye Tue 02-Jul-13 09:51:05

Yes, just look after yourself, keep H at arms length until you are ready to deal with him.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 09:53:18

Hope you are ok physically, norma. Please, when you are feeling better, think very carefully about whether this man is even fit to lick your boots. He sounds horrendous, and I think you have been overlooking how bad he is actually is for some time. Only a couple of days ago you were singing his praises on another thread, and then he treats you like he thinks you are a piece of shit.

Shame on him.

Fozziebearmum2be Tue 02-Jul-13 20:58:03

Look after yourself - big hugs thanks

Take care and you do right to rest first.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 05-Jul-13 15:00:53

Norma have been thinking of you today, and so really appreciate you taking the time to come back and update us with everything you are going through.

Do come back and talk to us further when you've got the strength - we're all here to listen to you. Take care lovely x

sameoldIggi Mon 15-Jul-13 20:01:48

Namechangingnorma, I don't know if you're still checking this thread but wanted to say I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself. I also hope you have got rid of your dh as his behaviour was inexcusable. If you have excused it (as I think you may have) please make this the last time. You deserve more x

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