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I've Reported My Abusers

(44 Posts)
samsungsing Sun 30-Jun-13 15:14:41

I've finally done it.

It was eating me up inside.

How could I continue to live my life angry at people who seemed to be skipping along in life, while my memories blackened my mind, my outlook and my life endlessly.

My dad is on his death bed. He and his family were cut out of my life. I finally met him 3 years ago and he is about to die. My mother knew where he lived - she even remembered the telephone number and address, but lied and said that she didn't know any information. His family are all university educated, married, home owners - etc. My mothers family are all alcoholics, druggies, abusers, neglectors, abandoners, lower class benefit professors - etc. I was robbed of a functional family. This has spurred me on to report all of the bastards, inclusive of her.

May sound bitter, but bitter I am. The only one in my family to speak out about the emotional, physical, sexual abuse, neglect and continuous abandonment. I am the black sheep for speaking/acting out and the black sheep I shall continue to be for taking a stand. I am nothing like them.

It is not alright that my mother contacts me to share how her and her brother reminisced about the past with a smile and a laugh. A smile and a laugh about a conversation her brother had with their father on his recent birthday. The very same father that abused them all sexually and neglected them to the point whereby their neglect and abuse filtered through to the lives of their own children. It is also not right that my mother contacts me to tell me about her mother - the very same mother who ran off and left her kids to be sexually abused and neglected, while she shacked up with a new man in another town. I don’t want to know, nor be associated with these kinds of people.

This lack of foresight; this lack of logic. This lack of a culpable brain is making my fucking brain melt and I can no longer pretend that everything is alright with continuing contact with my mother. If I continue a relationship with her, I am welcoming my main abuser into my life and home. I can no longer be a hypocrite. Everyone of them has to be subject to the same level of hatred, across the board.

The members of my ex-family who accept their abuse and continue to entwine themselves in that cesspit of a family continually attack me, any which way they can. The death threats don't phase me at all. I guess I can thank my coping mechanisms for that.

I refuse to welcome people who abuse and neglect other people. I also refuse to welcome people who turn a blind eye to such abuse. I also refuse to welcome people who try to patch up/cover up said abuse.

In my minds eye, their necks have been slit and they are already dead - to me that is. My mind is an extremely noir place to be.

I dont post much, so I guess just getting it out there helps.

P.S. You can make a report of historical sexual/physical/emotional abuse and/or neglect via NSPCC. They will forward your report onto the police, who will then contact you to take it further - that is if you wish to.

jimijack Sun 30-Jun-13 15:20:26

What happens now Sam?

Hissy Sun 30-Jun-13 15:23:20

That was very brave and honest of you samsungsing. How do you feel now?

Living truthfully is so liberating.

Slothlorien Sun 30-Jun-13 15:36:04

You are BRAVE not bitter. I have been where u are, it isn't an easy road, but u get to the stage that the truth is the only way forward. U will find strength and self respect that y didn't know existed for yourself. Things that helps me most was getting free counselling from tape crisis, don't be put off by the name they are brilliant and they know exactly what you are talking about. Surround yourself with people who are in your army and make u feel stronger. Read 'the courage to heal' (google). You are amazing. Good luck.

Slothlorien Sun 30-Jun-13 15:36:39

Oops I mean rape crisis not tape! Sorry!

samsungsing Sun 30-Jun-13 15:37:20

Jim - the NSPCC will forward info to the police. They will visit me and take a statement. At my request, they will interview everyone accused.

Hissy - I dont know how I feel at the moment. It could be due to a rush of all kinds emotions at once.

I just want to leave them devastated - as they have done to me. I want their hearts and souls shattered.

samsungsing Sun 30-Jun-13 15:39:37

Thanks Sloth.

Yep I see a professional once a week. Without her help and expertise, I would have been dead by now.

Thanks for the details. I will check them out.

Many thanks all.

samsungsing Sun 30-Jun-13 16:54:23

Wow... Well had an off the cuff talk with 'the woman who opened her legs to let me out' about my childhood just now and she is denying everything. She has obviously spoken to someone regarding this and now has changed her tune, forgotten relevant information (given to her only 2 weeks ago) and is siding with her version of events - even though she cant remember me reporting abuse to her over a 10 year span hmm

A pattern that I have noticed with her her behaviour over the years.

In my report, I have suggested and urged that her mental state is looked over, as there are serious red flags. Plus - as she is in contact with small children, things have to be looked into quite speedily.

I shall update when an outcome has been obtained.

Hissy Sun 30-Jun-13 21:11:52

The outcome will take time, you'll need to talk through your feelings in thé meantime.

Fwiw, abusive, even plain old neglectful parents change history to make sure they come out smelling of roses, and we end up looking flaky, psychotic, or bitter and twisted.

Don't expect any of them to be all 'hands up' we're sorry etc. Expect they'll deny, deny, denying.

If they were decent, upstanding people, they wouldn't have abused you in the first place, would they?

Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

samsungsing Sun 30-Jun-13 22:09:34

Hissy

Many thanks for your wise words.

I will take your words and hang in there.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow who will no doubt congratulate me for finally taking action.

It does feel good to actually be able to consider myself free from her and her family's clutches.

Wait... is that joy I feel? Lucifer's labia, I actually feel a sliver of happiness... it's been so long.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 30-Jun-13 22:44:43

Well done Op, your incredibly brave. Take care of yourself.

thepixiefrog Sun 30-Jun-13 23:22:53

Well done.x

Bedtime1 Mon 01-Jul-13 04:00:32

Samsung- I really admire your strength. I know what emotional abuse does as ha this for years. Your situation sounds worse than mine so I take my hat off to you. Keep strong and keep seeing your counsellor.
Remember it isn't you it's them who are dysfunctional. Good that you are seeing a counsellor to process things. I think I will have to go back to one. Which type of Counselling are you having? What's best for helping overcome abuse from toxic parents / family.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Mon 01-Jul-13 10:34:48

I don't know what to say.

You are amazing, OP.

Bakingnovice Mon 01-Jul-13 10:40:29

Well done Sam. You are very very brave. And we all here rooting for you. Walking by your side. You are not alone.

NothingsLeft Mon 01-Jul-13 11:39:34

Well done. I admire your strength. You have done the right thing. All abusers should be accountable IMO.

Stay strong smile

Slothlorien Mon 01-Jul-13 14:01:27

Anger is the backbone of healing. Keep strong! You deserve to be happy and proud.

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 14:13:45

You are at the angry stage right now.
I should imagine that there are a lot of stages to go through with all of this.
I would say, meanwhile, to not stop thinking about your dad at this time thanks

samsungsing Mon 01-Jul-13 17:33:36

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate (and do take on board) those words.

Bedtime1 I am seeing a qualified psychiatrist, who specialises in traumatic childhoods. She diagnosed me (correctly with PTSD) and has worked in this specific field for well over 15 years. A diamond. She is unfortunately leaving the service next week sad. I am not sure on the protocol of supplying names on this website.

She has given me the task (of course with her guidance) of choosing what kind of therapy I would like to continue with after her departure. I have no clue there, so will have to research on the net before our next meeting.

yams Yes. I continue to think about my dad and that is what is making my anger worse. I do not misplace anger, so am not taking it out on anyone in my household. It just burns me up inside. I guess that is the problem - I internalise things so much that it poisons my insides a shade of black. I guess the anger will pass given time.

Thanks again everyone thanks

samsungsing Sat 20-Jul-13 21:26:33

More and more threats of being attacked physically by siblings, cousins. Apparently I am an "evil bitch" for reporting my mother, as she is the only person who stuck around to raise me.

1. She didnt raise me, I just grew up in her house. She hardly had all 4 kids in her house at any one time. We were shipped out to various abusive people. She rode multiple cocks whilst her kids ran wild and untamed, going without necessities, love and care.
2. She blocked my father's side from having anything to do with me - she herself has confirmed this and so have they. They wanted to be involved but were blocked by her.
3. She lied and said she didnt know where my dad was. I pestered her so much (when I was 16) that she had one of her psychotic outbursts and wrote down a number and address. It was my great aunts address and number. My dad had left her house 3 weeks prior (to me calling) and moved back to Jamaica. The details had not changed in 16 years. Bitch

I am going full force ahead with the case. This does mean that I do have to move, potentially out of town (for the sake of my kids), but it will be worth it in the long run. Justice and acknowledgement is all I seek from this - not money. I have known from a very young age that we were not being raised correctly. The saddest thing is that the other siblings are in denial as to what happened. They don't remember a thing.

I think your really brave and i'd like to say well done

wishing you the best of luck with your new life away from these evil people

samsungsing Sat 20-Jul-13 21:53:14

Many thanks whiteandyellowiris

I knew it was going to be tough. I had been warned. I have also been warned about nothing coming of my allegations. I mean, with others who are blatantly lying/don't remember, I don't stand much of a chance do I?

At least I will have tried. That is all that matters.

yeah and at least you've let it all out, and not kept it all inside eating you up anymore

and thhats a big thingsmile
really well done
smile
pleased for you

hopefully this will be a new start for you xx

CailinDana Sat 20-Jul-13 22:01:48

On a practical note it would be good to keep a record of any threats so you can show the police.

Very good luck to you.

emmelinelucas Sat 20-Jul-13 22:09:54

I reported my abuser about 5 years ago now. it all happened 40 years ago and the Detective assigned to me was fantastic. My abuser finally confessed, and got bugger-all, but that wasn't the point.
I can't say that much has changed in the family.
He is still allowed access (alone) to their children.
I wish you well, OP.
x

samsungsing Sat 20-Jul-13 22:21:04

Many thanks whiteandyellowiris I cant wait for a new start. Am tired of this old life.

CailinDana I work in the legal field, so more the fool them for leaving me with evidence, both written (facebook messages) and verbal (voicemails). They all know this, yet feel at ease with threatening me continually. They are awfully slow grin

emmelinelucas many thanks for your well wishes. It's such a shame that they cannot be reprimanded. I sometimes wish that I had grown up in present times, as there is no way in hell I/we would have been left with my mother in those conditions. he is still allowed access? See this is why I have had a change of heart about my career in law. The more I work in (and study) law, the more it repulses me. These fallacies are too great.

emmelinelucas Sat 20-Jul-13 22:32:07

I will write more, OP when I won't be interrupted. Or PM me if you want to. I would rather not go into more detail here - it could out me.
You have all my support if you need it.
x

samsungsing Sat 20-Jul-13 23:50:28

Many thanks emmelinelucas. I have pm'd you. Feel free to respond when you can. I am heading to bed now. So tired.

Just had the police around. They could not believe the voicemail family member had left on my phone. Looks like someone is getting arrested & charged at some point tomorrow. Potential maximum term of 6 months, as per the relevant Act, due to the level of suggested violence in the threat and my current condition. They are coming back tomorrow to take further statements/evidence as it was late and they have a busy night.

Good night.

Bedtime1 Sun 21-Jul-13 04:29:43

Good Luck Samsung. You deserve peace and happiness. Sending you many hugs .

You are so brave, such a shining example to others needing help or strength that may read your thread.

I'm wishing you all the very best for the future.

WinkyWinkola Sun 21-Jul-13 07:12:42

Samsung, you're amazing. Coming through all that and being so clear, determined and strong to report your abusers.

I'm in awe.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 21-Jul-13 07:26:52

Just another vote of confidence here.... it must be a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment for you but ultimately very liberating.

Take care x

TDada Sun 21-Jul-13 08:47:39

So sorry to hear. Lots of victims here......including even you mom. Who is there to give you a hug.

melmo26 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:03:39

I reported my abuser 6 years ago. My mums husband. When I did my whole family including my sister who he abused too lied for him. Said to me 'how could I do this to him'! I was only nine when he started. I now know that she knew all along what he was doing. I stopped speaking to my whole family immediately.
4 years later my so called sis sends me an email apologizes and says she has told everyone the truth! Apparently she turned to drink and was admitted to a physc ward nearly loosing her son.
I believe it was her guilt eating her up that caused her probs.
My husband told me again and again that he was proud of me for doing so but I never believed him at the time. Inow know I did the right thing. Even though my abuser is still out there somewhere I know the police will eventually catch him.
Agree with a previous poster. Nothing ever comes of it.

Stay strong, don't give up, don't let anyone bully you to stop your statement.

Best of luck with your case

samsungsing Sun 21-Jul-13 13:09:07

Many thanks Bedtime1 that is ALL I want in my life - peace and happiness

InTheRedCorner thanks. I don't feel it. Feels like I am stirring up stuff that no one wants to acknowledge, nor deal with. Quite saddening.

Winywinkola thank you. It took 10 years of hard ward to get to this point. I spent the first 20 years of my life SO ANGRY, until I began to associate with people outside of my culture. They were so accepting and less abrasive. It's as if I went through simultaneous metamorphosis' once I stopped surrounding myself with people of my culture. My most debilitating trigger.

MissMarplesBloomers Appreciated. Yes - it is a rollercoaster, but at the same time liberating. I can finally look forward and begin the plan the next 5-10 years of my life.

TDada Exactly - my mum is a victim too, but instead of dealing with her issues, she passed them down onto her own children, causing them pain and suffering. Because of my emotionally defunct upbringing, people hugging and touching me feels disgusting. It makes my skin crawl.

melmo26 That upsets me greatly. Why would someone cover up the abuse? That's so not right. The damage and pain they could have prevented by cooperating, with you who told the truth. Yes it's hard to say to myself 'I am doing the right thing' if family are saying I am doing the wrong thing and that I am 'an evil bitch/cunt' for doing this, even though they were the ones who were reporting elements of abuse to me, thus effecting me mentally. Now all of a sudden they cant (or don't want to) remember. I feel like saying 'well thanks for raping my brain you bastards'.

I wont let anyone bully me into not giving a statement, even if it does lead to nothing. Stubbornness wont let me.

stooshe Sun 28-Jul-13 13:12:27

I'm late to this thread. Keep it up, I know it is hard and I know the defensiveness that you are encountering. I am glad that you have a realistic sense of outcome and that you appear to not be basing your happiness/future happiness on a jail/prison sentence for your abuser.
What I am about to say may be controversial. Be glad that you were/are the scapegoat/ black sheep. At least you can look at the situation clearly and see too many family members for the weaklings that they are. They themselves do not realise that they are being manipulated to fight each other for the crumbs of your mother's affection/approval. Worse they are being manipulated to fight her fight for her, against you. Take comfort (as I had to) that if it was you and your mother in a room and it came down to it, she would be quite powerless, what with your righteous anger.
That seems to be the template of bullies, however they are made. They know that they are missing a link and are not satisfied unless they contaminate those around them. They have no self control and feel quite entitled to live a life of bacchanalia. It's enough for them that the kids are fed, watered and clothed. I think the term is called "loving neglect". For the longest time, most people have/do choose to ignore instinct and dodgy behaviour, based on their personal concept of what outwardly looks like "enough care".
Thank you for standing up.

samsungsing Sun 28-Jul-13 20:22:19

Stooshe Is it stooshe as in “posh”?

Many thanks for your well wishes.

Yes the defensiveness. I was talking to my psychiatrist who mentioned that with her experience, there are two rings of protection around black people. The first ring is protecting the family member and the second ring is protecting the black race, vis-à-vis, they don’t want the matter discussed with other races. It was shocking at first, but it makes sense 100%.

Yes I can see them for the weaklings that they are, but it’s sad that I stand alone. A whole family who suffered abuse at various hands (insiders/outsiders), yet I am the sole person standing here taking a stand against what I suffered. They deny deny deny. I wish them all speedy deaths to be honest. The sooner the better. My mother is a massive liar. She would always state that she never told lies, but it’s not only me who has seen otherwise – the other person is my very own child. My child has finally come out to me and said “Mum I told you she was a liar. She used to tell lies about me all the time to get me in trouble”. That is the most shocking thing.

I am glad in a way that I am the scapegoat/black sheep. It allows me to start my own family tree, free from abuse. I feel happy that no one from this generation onward will suffer any type of neglect, nor abuse under my watch. My branch - my rules - I will set the example for excellent parenting through my own kids.

Yes – I know that if it was me and her in a room, I could kill her with my words alone.

“Bacchanalia” – Again yes. I watched her carry on with this lifestyle for the first 17 years of my life. She fixed herself up after I left home at 18 with my first child. The other siblings don’t remember this disgusting behavior, so my mind alone is stained with her dangerous, whorish and bike-like ways.

Again – YES! Loving neglect & enough care. This is the story of my family.

I think that breaking this cycle of abuse and neglect is breaking me to be honest.

Thank you for putting across so concisely and precisely what anger has stopped me from doing.

samsungsing Sun 28-Jul-13 20:26:09

Well unfortunately the police have made a right cock-up of the investigation so far. The death threats that I reported have not been dealt with properly and the various agencies that are supporting me have condemned the (lack of) action that the police have taken so far to date. Just a warning was given. A police officer visited the home of the person and had a chat with them – no arrest and bail conditions were given as mentioned and a completely new officer is dealing with the matter who has no background information on the case. Victim Support et al. were dismayed at the (lack of) action the officer took and the current danger he has put me in by going into the home willy-nilly and notifying the family of the police’s involvement.

Now the person who gave the death threats is in contact with one of their dubious friends, who himself offered to 'remove' someone on my behalf. To which I obviously refused, as I am not into this ghetto lifestyle.

Also – the police have not been communicating with each other and I have had officers at my house nearly every day, with promises of action, yet no one gets back to me. I have had to repeat my story to the point whereby my neighbours have overheard and now know about all of the horrific sexual/emotional/physical details of my childhood. I have to chase the police for answers. I requested no male officers attend my property in dealing with this matter (for obvious reasons), only for 3 male officers to come to my house on 2 separate occasions – after having clearly made that request via telephone to the 101 service.

I researched the IPCC today and have found that any complaints made against a particular force, goes straight to the force itself, bypassing the IPCC - thus nullifying the necessity of the IPCC in the first place. I have exhausted the police complaints procedure and am due a call back tomorrow with the officer dealing with the matter. I don’t think this will come to anything to be honest. If that is indeed the case, I will be taking my experiences and dealings with the police to the media to portray how people are indeed mistreated by the police.

If I had my chance again, I wouldn't have bothered with contacting the police. My experience in dealing with them has been shit.

I will update tomorrow once I have spoken to the officer dealing with this matter, for anyone that cares to read.

emmelinelucas Fri 02-Aug-13 19:18:52

I am in awe...I really am.
I just can't believe that you can have gone through all of this and still stayed the amazing person that you are smile
Thankyou for telling your story x smile

stooshe Sat 03-Aug-13 21:45:14

If it's anger that is driving you, do not be afraid of it. People have underestimated the cleansing power of anger. It is outward anger (not crazy rage) that bullies are often afraid of, using it against their victims as if to cast you as "crazy". You will be aware of your mother's pattern of abuse. What she reacts against (people standing up to her), who she draws close when she needs to "lick out", if she has specific people who are always her lackeys or if she has enablers who are "flavour of the moment" (according to if she can materialistically benefit from them).
Until say ten years ago, I would have thought that no matter how dysfunctional a family was, there would be at least ONE ally to count on in your circumstances. Well, as great as some of my family was, nobody actually manned up and done the primal thing that I would have liked to have seen happen...I wish that somebody had "bloke punched" my father. I have never heard of him beating a man, but it seems that everybody, male or female tolerated/kept away from him. They attend birthday barbecues and tell me on the street that they have been around there without even bothering to ask "where were you?".
I could go on and on. It's obvious from your reply to me that you and I are singing from the same hymn sheet. There are a lot of black people who do not interpret the meaning of family the way you and many others (including myself) do. When contradicted as to what "abuse" means ( as if we were all in some competitive buss arse competition), or worse the line between corruption and familial loyalty, there the conversation can come to an abrupt sea change in tone. It's like everything has to be thought of over subjectively, with no room for a general consensus based upon sense and fairness.
Anyway, you don't need me rambling. It's obvious that you are strong and sensible, a lioness, too.......it is hard doing the right thing alone. You'll find in time that what you are doing to ensure that you and yours thrive will not only be a reaction to your upbringing, it will be the natural actions of a person who had to fight against persons smaller minded than yourself. These persons have unleashed some bad karma that they are living in daily. The breakdown in normal, organic, loving relationships within your family is testament to that. That, when you are feeling low should be horrific evidence enough to comfort you, because we are all born alone. That's much different than lonely, which you aren't, but your mother most certainly is.

samsungsing Sun 11-Aug-13 19:32:07

stooshe

I completely agree with what you have said 100%. It's comforting to have someone else (who has gone through a similar situation) reaffirm what I have been unable to put into context. Having only recently come to terms with my childhood, I am still in the baby stages of dealing with it all. Luckily I have sought appropriate support.

I do think that I need to change my new therapist as he does not get it. When talking about my family and the stereotypical norm, he refutes what I say in favor of his own experiences. I need to find a therapist who specialises in cultural issues and not someone who's only experience is that of a 'Sandals Smile' family.

samsungsing Sun 11-Aug-13 19:38:30

I have taken the police to the IPCC as the case has been utterly and abysmally cocked up, to the point whereby there is no longer a case re: death threats/threats of violence. I have also taken the police to the IPCC re: historical child abuse.

I still haven't heard back from the police regarding the historical child abuse claims. The police sent social services around, who had no concerns regarding my household or my child. I don't understand how the police are operating on a whole, if this is the level of (for lack of a better word) crapness they operate on. So no contact, no statement taken. It is more than a month since initial contact was had. I am bemused.

magnumicelolly Sun 11-Aug-13 20:03:25

So sorry the police are being so utterly useless. Would the media be a useful next step? I don't really have any useful advice but just wanted to say you are an inspiration to others in your situation and don't give up because of how rubbish the police have been.

samsungsing Sun 11-Aug-13 20:33:23

emmelinelucas

Many thanks.

magnum

Many thanks. The media would be a sensible next step, but as my due date draws near, I don't wish to start anything that I cannot continue to deal with once baby is here. I will of course make sure the police are reprimanded by way of the ipcc/smiu though. If I didn't, it would eat me up inside for an eternity.

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