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18, 8 weeks pregnant, boyfriends left me.

(39 Posts)
Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 19:52:10

Title says it all really.
He's 3 years older than me and I thought we were so happy. Baby was unplanned and a shock but very much wanted.
I had a shit start to my pregnancy with a suspected ectopic (thankfully it wasn't) and the discovery of 2 ovarian cysts.
Over the last few days we've not been getting on very well. Ive had really had morning sickness and feel rubbish all the time so I admit I haven't been as nice as I could have been sad
But now he's left me and says he can't be with me and he's seen my true colours. He says it's over and we'll sort out contact etc. what do I do now?
I'm 18 and I imagined my life being so different. Now I'm going to be a single teenage parent.

ToTheTeeth Thu 27-Jun-13 20:03:45

The baby was unplanned. Are you really sure it's wanted? You do have options. It depresses me when women start threads like this and forget that.

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 27-Jun-13 20:04:04

Hi, I'm sorry, sad

Do you have any family support? Are you working, at college or uni? What do you want to do?

coffeewineandchocolate Thu 27-Jun-13 20:08:01

I think it's lucky you found out now. if he struggles to cope with you feeling rubbish with morning sickness, there is no way he will cope with the stresses having a baby brings, with the added difficulties of sleep deprivation.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Are you aware of any groups/services on your area who could support you?

sarahjaye Thu 27-Jun-13 20:10:59

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy, you mentioned it was much wanted. Do you have family and friends close by that are supportive? Your boyfriend sounds rather weak if he's bailed on you after only 8 weeks of pregnancy, at a time when your body, hormones and emotions are probably all over the place anyway. If he can't cope now, at this early stage, what would he be like after a few sleepless nights, illness and all the other stuff?

You may not think it right now, but you're probably well shot of someone like this. You must be very upset and hurt, but seek RL support from those around you and make plans for yourself and your baby's future without him.

Totheteeth is a bit right. But I'm sure you have considered the options.

OP, grown ups don't leave their pregnant partners after a few days of rows. That suggests he isn't a real grown up yet. How long have you been together? Do you really know him like you think you do?

Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:11:21

ToTheTeeth I couldn't possibly get rid of it. It's my baby and my responsibility to look after it. I had an early scan and I saw it there with its heartbeat and there's no way I could forgive myself if I got rid of it.

NoRain, I've just finished my A-levels and am currently working full time as I was having a year out to save up before uni. I'm still wanting to uni next September when the baby is about 9 months old.

Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:17:15

Ehric a year. I thought I did but maybe I don't. Looking back over the relationship everything always seems to be my fault and I always end up pandering to him. Why couldn't I see that earlier?

Madlizzy Thu 27-Jun-13 20:19:10

Congratulations. Your life hasn't fallen through and you can still make a success of it with a baby. As for the father, well, better to be single than end up living with someone who's going to be a waste of space. Give yourself a bit of time to heal, then onward and upwards, you'll be fine. xx

RhondaJean Thu 27-Jun-13 20:22:02

Hiya holly

Congratulations.

I'm sure you are in shock just now but I just wanted to tell you about my best friend who 15 years ago was almost exactly where you are right now, except she was only 17.

Today she has a lovely 14 yo daughter, a good job, a beautiful house and is one of the best parents I know. Her daughters father sadly ended up not being part of her life at all after a few years and I know she feels bad about that (not her choice) but she's made a fantastic success of the whole thing.

You are young, but it doesn't mean you can't be a fantastic parent too, and have a fantastic life. It may not be easy but you have found MN- lots of support and advice here.

Good luck.

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 27-Jun-13 20:22:58

Ok, he's a waste of space. Forget him, he's shown his true colours as a useless wankstain. Do not contact him.

How are your family? You will need them

I had a baby at 18, I'm on my own but the support of my family has been so important and needed, I don't think I would of been able to do it without them.

He's 5.5 now, I have my own home and earn the most out of all my friends out hard work and determination.

You can do it, but it will be hard. Can you defer your uni place for a year? Is it a uni close to your home? Where will you live?

Iheartcrunchiebars Thu 27-Jun-13 20:30:10

Make sure you ask the uni about the support they can offer. A friend of mine had loads of help with accommodation and child care to help her through her studies. Best of luck.

girliefriend Thu 27-Jun-13 20:40:47

One of my closest friends was in exactly the same situation you 15 years ago. Her boyfriend turned very nasty and disappeared, she kept her son, found a lovely man, trained to be a nurse, got married and had another baby.

Her little boy is now going off to college and is one of the nicest lads I have ever met smile

It can be done, you will never regret keeping your baby (even when they are screaming their heads off in the middle of the night wink )

What support have you got? Will your parents support you?

scarlettsmummy2 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:46:27

Hi Holly, just wanted to say best of luck. You sound really mature and it's great that you already have the option of uni. What have you planned to study?

There will be lots of support out there if you look for it, both financial and with other young mum groups. One of my good friends had a baby at 18 on her own and 13 years later now also has her own home and a great job. Just stay really positive and get a good support network built up.

And don't worry about the dickhead ex- it will be his loss! X

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 20:47:12

Wow this could have been me writing 5 years ago! Pregnant at 18 (found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 5 weeks into my uni course!). My pregnancy wasn't planned, my long-term boyfriend left me but I decided after much heartbreak to continue with the pregnancy (after they suspected ectopic!) And it was the best thing I ever did.

Fast forward I am 23, ds is 5. I graduated with a 1st from uni (I was fortunate enough to have family support and understanding lecturers, but know girls who have done it without).

My ds' dad didn't have much to do with me during the pregnancy but has monthly contact with ds. Be kind to yourself, I developed a panic disorder in my pregnancy due to ex leaving when it really was a special time that I shouldn't have let him ruin. Focus on the baby, take each day, hour, minute at a time at first.

Life will be different, but not worse! I see it like this - I will be free to do as I please when I'm 40. I have a wonderful long-term boyfriend who adores ds, loads of friends with and without their own children (mainly without but they all love ds as he is the only child many of them come across so he is somewhat of a 'novelty'!). Do you have a supportive family?

Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:52:26

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments. I do have a good support network so I'm lucky in that respect. I also know his family will never turn their back on me and this child.
I had originally planned to study Spanish and Chinese but think that may be a little bit too ambitious now with a small child so maybe will study English instead.
I'm just a bit worried about all the stress do you think it will have harmed my baby or cause a miscarriage? sad

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 20:55:54

Would that involve living abroad? I was studying French but it involved a year abroad so switched degree.

No I doubt you have harmed the baby, I asked the doc the same question (was having panic attacks every day) and he said baby would be fine. Make sure you are taking vitamins, folic acid etc. Eat as best you can. Look after yourself and the baby and take it easy. Honestly the most important thing is having a good support network and it sounds as though you are very fortunate to have that!

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 27-Jun-13 20:58:37

Babies are born in war zones without ill effects. Your body protects your baby, so don't worry about that.

Best of luck

Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:01:42

Yeah a year in Beijing. Doesn't sound too do-able with an 18 month old child so think we'd best off giving that one a miss ;)

What degree did you switch to? I did Spanish and French at A-level and although I loved Spanish, I just didn't really 'click' with French in the same way.

Thank you itcouldbeworse xx

looseleaf Thu 27-Jun-13 21:06:55

Do be ambitious! A friend of mine who teaches once told me some of her students who were pregnant worked much the hardest as they had a really good reason to want to do well and something to work for. Wishing you really well and congratulations

looseleaf Thu 27-Jun-13 21:08:54

Would you have family support here presumably that uou wouldn't in Beijing ? As I guess that indeed would be important. Though it would be a great start for your DC to become bilingual!

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 21:11:05

I studied graphic design in the end, but am about to start training to be a primary teaching specialising in French which I'm so excited about - only an A-level in the language required and I get to build it into my career (something I never dreamed I would be able to do!). Nothing stopping you spending time in Spain when baby is a little older!

I found uni really interesting being a mum too, people were always very surprised to find out I have a child, often not believing me until I showed them the photo of him on my phone! I was the only person on my course with a kid so as I said everyone was really interested and loved it if I ever brought him into uni before/after he'd been at nursery.

I have since met a few other mums from different course and 1 is setting up a society to meet other young mums.

I thought my life was ruined when I found out I was pregnant, thought I would never be able to get another boyfriend or go to uni or meet new people. My son has opened a lot of doors (lots of financial support for mums going to uni for eg), things have turned out really well. You must be really scared but it's totally doable! Do you have a specific uni in mind? I went to a small one which was nice as you know everybody and the lecturers really care about each student.

Holly94 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:13:42

No family support there unfortunately. It would essentially be 8 months studying in a Chinese university and I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving my child in whatever childcare they have as it's not my first language.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 27-Jun-13 21:17:51

I don't know anything about Chinese childcare options so I understand your reluctance on that point (although it doesn't preclude you from researching), but it would be fantastic for the child - 18 months and just picking up words, even if you only stayed a year they would be pretty much bilingual from that early age by speaking Chinese at nursery and English with you!

juneau Thu 27-Jun-13 21:22:24

I totally understand you wanting to ditch the Chinese, given the circumstances, but Spanish still should be doable. An English degree doesn't qualify you to do much - it's an interesting degree - but something with practical application (including a foreign language like Spanish to degree level), will serve you much better in the tough job market that currently exists.

Tubemole1 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:46:20

Just lurking, and agreeing with other MNers.

I am guessing you feel its the end of the world but I would say lean on friends, family, and outside organisations for help. Google Gingerbread who are a charity that supports lone parents. Also CSA, and poss legal advice for rights around family matters (father's rights and contact if he wants it).

Regarding your education, well done for deciding to continue! With the right support you will be the mummy your child can be proud of!

thanks

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 21:49:42

And just to add in, I think uni with a baby can be easier than a full time job (just my experience)! The holidays are amazing (only really in uni 7 months a year or so) and especially 1st year in my experience is pretty relaxed. I didn't realise how 'easy' I had it until I got a full time job grin

SlumberingDormouse Thu 27-Jun-13 21:57:25

I would also strongly advise you against doing English; most of my Oxbridge cohort are still working in shops and bars two years after graduation. Foreign language degrees are much more useful and you could even work part-time doing teaching/translating while your child is young. Would it be possible to do a course without a year abroad, or perhaps defer the year abroad? English with Spanish/Spanish with linguistics are also possible.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 27-Jun-13 21:57:59

Okay, sorry, I'm getting carried away in a romantic notion here which isn't helpful to anybody.

Point is I have been through pregnancy and young-single-motherhood and uni and all of the rest of it and it is hard. I wasn't as young as you are (I was 19) and I'd already moved out of home and the pregnancy was sort-of planned (although I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time despite thinking that I did)

A baby won't end your life and it isn't a disaster. You will love it and it will give you a sense of purpose and keep you going during the darkest, hardest times and it is true that the feeling of unconditional love is incredible and like nothing else.

But - what it is really going to be like is that the baby is going to put huge speed humps between you and the life goals you might have if the child was not around. You will still be able to reach them, and I would absolutely support you 100% in going for it, but it is going to be so much harder going over all of these speedhumps and potholes in a rust-bucket of a car, especially when the road you're on is right next to a fast motorway where your friends and other peers are zipping along towards their goals without a care in the world or even noticing how hard it is for you most of the time. It is hard to study, it is hard to learn all of the normal 18-year-old stuff like how to fend for yourself, balance bills and other expenses, keep on top of all the housework without running out of food or clean bowls or socks, you don't have the option of going through a few disastrous relationships to work out what you actually want from a life partner (because you can't just move someone in to see if you get on, moving in basically means stepfather-ing and acting as though you are married which means you're stuck with a weird serious-relationship-but-not-living-together thing until you are ready to basically be married)

- However hanging around on the MN relationship boards is an excellent alternative to dating loads of tossers and tends to improve your standards beyond recognition IME grin -

And when you DO find someone you want to be a life partner with it's all difficult because you've already done a lot of the things they were always imagining you'd do for the first time together, and you will both find that hard. Career wise you will feel torn between wanting to compete with others at work and wanting to be there for your child (although it's much less of a career hit to have a baby now than it would be in 10 years) You may also feel stuck in the area that you live now if your child has contact with his/her father. When you come to the time of your life when you want more children that will be a wrench because you'll worry that your first child will feel pushed out or that you have let them down because you struggled more, naturally, by being on your own as opposed to being in a supportive partnership.

I haven't covered any of the usual like the not being able to go out, the sleepless nights etc, because you know all of that and that might well be a sacrifice you are willing to make - I'm offering you a more realistic counter to the hysterical "Your whole life is ruined!" wailing that you will presumably encounter from at least one angle at some point. This is the real sacrifice, not a short term one of sleepless nights for a year or having to miss out on a few dates or parties. It will affect your whole life and the lives of your future potential husband and children too. It is doable, it is copable, it is far from the end of the world but it is a big, big thing and far bigger than you are probably contemplating at the moment. I would never tell somebody what to do and I would totally respect your decision if you read all of this, think it through and still decide to have the baby but it is very common at 16/17/18/19 to think "I could never live with myself if I terminated the pregnancy" and not think about how you will live with yourself if you continue with it.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 27-Jun-13 21:58:10

just wanted to say one of my friends was in same position as you (many years ago) got pregnant at 16, b/f left (wasn't involved in bringing up the child at all) so she shouldered all the responsibility as a teenager.

her daughter is now 24 and one of the most amazing young woman I've ever met. I'd be so proud of her if she was mine. She's a credit to her mum, she really is. I hope you have support IRL from friends and family. Wishing you the best!

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 27-Jun-13 21:59:48

oops meant to add - studying chinese would be amazing, a much-needed language skill for the future. I'd urge you to go for it, it is do-able with a baby. There are expat communities that can help you find english-speaking childcare and so on.

Spiritedwolf Thu 27-Jun-13 22:03:15

You can definately do it smile There were certainly people on my uni course who were single parents. And nine months old is around the time that many of my postnatal group have returned to work.

You can let yourself feel a bit miserable about the end of your relationship, but he doesn't sound like a keeper. Sounds quite manipulative really - everythings your fault, you need to be nicer etc. Try not to get drawn back in if he changes his mind, the last thing you want is to spend your whole pregnancy stressing about a on again off again relationship with someone who expects your energy to revolve around him because it can't. There'll be plenty of time to re-evaluate things down the road if he grows up. Don't make any decisions about rekindling the relationship till you are used to life with your baby and are out of the newborn stage, then work out if there is room for him in your life (particuarly if he's a bit useless!) alongside being a mum and studying fulltime. Only do it if you are confident he'll do his share and make your life easier and better, not if he'll be a manchild draining your resources.

I think your plan of action should be to try and build up some support around you. Speak to your midwife (I assume you've met one and started your maternity notes since you have a scan) as there might be support available for you. Look up your university's student support services and see what assistance they can offer regarding accomodation and childcare when you start your studies. If you have supportive/potentially supportive family then speak to them too.

In terms of work, you don't need to inform them straightaway (unless your job could be hazardous to you during pregnancy). You'll need to work out whether you are entitled to Maternity pay through work or whether you'll need to apply to the government for assistance. How long have you worked in your job?

People on here should be able to advise you on which route to apply for based on how long you have been working there, and maybe what kind of contract you have. But as you are working, you will get something one way or another. For detailed advice you might want to go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They should be able to advise you on finances, housing etc.

Congratulations. Is there anything else you specifically wanted advice about? You sound very capable. smile

Good for you for being so determined. My university had family accommodation for students with kids, miniature flatlets which were very cute! And much nicer than proper halls. They also have a nursery on site. It's no cheaper than anywhere else but obviously convenient if you live on campus.
I'm not sure about undergrad degrees but I get help with childcare for being a single parents student. Even if you can't get that you will get child benefit and child tax credit, also housing benefit. It's doable, especially with a student loan on top. Oh and don't forget income support in the summer holidays.

loveliesbleeding1 Thu 27-Jun-13 22:34:16

Just to say I had my son at 18, and it is very hard of course it is, but he is a lovely young man of 19 now he would do anything for anyone and is very hard working, I didnt do it alone I married his dad but we were on our own, we did everything ourselves, you can do this and your little one will be treasured best of luck xx

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 22:35:01

Hmm whilst Chinese is an amazing subject to study one of my close friends graduated in it last year and has had to spend 3 years living in China in order to become 'fluent'. She also hasn't managed to find a graduate job (although she was attending a graduate fayre for Chinese speakers in London yesterday?!). But I only know 1 person who's studied it so perhaps I'm not giving a balanced insight.

Maybe take some time to think about what you really want to do, don't just default to English because you think it's an ok back up. There's no rush, you're so young! Take your time and make sure it's the right choice for you.

mamalovesmojitos Thu 27-Jun-13 22:35:50

I agree with everything YoniBotts said. Consider everything and put yourself first while you do so. Best of luck with it all, whatever you decide.

99problems Thu 27-Jun-13 22:40:18

Also, if you are considering studying abroad as part of your degree, would the father be on the birth certificate? My son's dad is, so he has parental responsibility. He will not agree to me living abroad with my ds and I would need his consent before taking him - just something to think about, you may need to get his permission.

internationallove985 Fri 28-Jun-13 11:29:12

Hi Holly 94. Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. He'll be the loser. I'm not going to patronise you and say it will be easy because being a parent as rewarding as it is is certainly far from easy. You'll be fine though babies have this incredible way of making everything fall into place, and think of all that unconditional love you'll receive. xxx

BigBoPeep Fri 28-Jun-13 17:30:33

The guy's a total cock and you are most definitely better off without him - thank goodness he's been culled out of this difficult equation already. I've got my first 15mo old here and I would NOT have coped with the dad being a tosser and getting shitty with me. angry dads have to pull their weight, being at the very least supportive if they're not going to get in there and be doing nappies etc!

Although they can be little brats, kids are great. I hated kids before mine still do but mine gives meaning to my life. Yep OK I've had to bin some pretty big career ideas, but I'm OK with that now, because everything I do is for her. I work much harder now she's around.

I'm going to enjoy waving my 18yr old off to uni at the age of 40 when other friends are still at the toddler stage grin when they are having to start thinking about carving childcare out of the successful careers they zoomed into down that motorway, I'll be home and dry and ready to swoop in grin

I'd urge you to do Spanish or Chinese as it'll be far more useful - can't imagine you ever being short of work if you're any good. I'm sure there'll be options, as somebody said, swallow your pride and lean on anybody you can. Maybe you could skip or defer the gap year or something? Do you NEED a degree in these things to find work? If you were just shit hot at Chinese and could prove it another way, would that get you what you want without being restrictive perhaps? Don't know languages at all (I wish!) just thinking aloud here...

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