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He just disappeared after 6 months........I feel such a plonker

(174 Posts)
Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:35:46

Been with 'd'p for around 6 months. Very passionate and intense relationship then two weeks ago, he texted in the morning to say " morning gorgeous, I love you and miss you so much. I texted back on his normal number but came up unobtainable.

He lives about 40 miles away, difficult to just pop round as have a toddler and I work pt. I tried calling his mobile but still " the number you have called has not been recognised" I left a message on his landline but nothing. This was two weeks ago and haven't heard anything.

I feel such a plonker and I'd lent him money too. I was just another notch sad

Just wanted a rant.....we had a termination in April this yr as condom split and failed MAP . I just feel so angry....with everything sad I've been used big time sad

cozietoesie Wed 26-Jun-13 22:39:01

Do you actually know he's still around and OK, Pink ? That sounds incredibly abrupt.

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 22:39:10

??????????? Where could he have gone?! And why would he text that??

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 22:40:54

Actually it's almost...worrying? What sort of person is he OP? What's he like in general, what does he do?

Myliferocks Wed 26-Jun-13 22:42:14

Is there a friend or relative of his that you could contact?
It does seem very strange.

imademarion Wed 26-Jun-13 22:42:45

So sorry to hear this, you must feel awful. Assuming he hasn't been bumped off or kidnapped, it will be hard to just accept the decision without agonising over what you did wrong and why he couldn't just at like a civilised human being and discuss his sudden change of heart maturely.

Hope you didn't lend him too much money. If you did, a solicitor and private detective could approach him on your behalf as he clearly doesn't deserve the courtesy of your time.

What a coward. I hope within the next year you meet a belter who spoils you rotten, gives you a rip roaring time and sticks around till you've had enough.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:43:29

I know, I'm at a loss. No arguments or anything before hand.

I called his work ( paramedic) and they wouldn't tell me if he was on duty or not just to call his personal number.

It's the not knowing that's odd. I expect I've been dumped for another woman . We always said we'd be honest about everything with each other so I'm at a real loss sad

NameThatTuna Wed 26-Jun-13 22:44:32

When did you lend him the money? Was it just before he disappeared?

It does sound odd!

WhoNickedMyName Wed 26-Jun-13 22:45:08

Are you not concerned that he's had a terrible accident or something?

How much did you lend him? I took my ex to court for money he owed, very glad I did, worth doing if it's a lot.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:45:52

Thank you for your replays. I haven't any contacts for his friends / family.

cozietoesie Wed 26-Jun-13 22:46:00

When would you get a 'number not recognised' on a mobile? I'm not that techy but I woud have thought that even with a damaged phone or sim, the account with the provider would still be valid and it would be a different message?

NameThatTuna Wed 26-Jun-13 22:46:06

Are you absolutely sure he was single?

BerylStreep Wed 26-Jun-13 22:47:14

Not sure what words if comfort will work, but it's a horrible situation.

I had an abrupt ending of a very passionate 4 month relationship by text, about 13 years ago, and it completely knocked the stuffing out of me. There is something about having no closure that is pretty devastating. I ended up traveling around the world for a year and having the time of my life to get over it, but I appreciate with a toddler that isn't really that realistic.

Is there any way of finding out if nothing awful has happened to him, just to put your mind at ease? Do you have a work e-mail or number for him? It does seem a strange text to send if be was going to dump you.

How much had you lent him?

Magicmayhem Wed 26-Jun-13 22:47:48

I think I'd have to pop round his house to see if he's ok... Anything could have happened to him... If he's ok, tell him you want your money back.

Upnotdown Wed 26-Jun-13 22:48:01

Could something have happened to his phone? If anything happened to mine I wouldn't be able to remember any numbers. Have you got another way to contact him?

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 22:48:18

How much money we talking here ?

A paramedic you say ? Really ? Do have have proof of that ?

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:48:42

I lent him money end of May (£200 I'm a lone parent so money is tight) as he needed to get his car serviced.

I've been such a fool, he always mentioned his 'wealthy family' so why he asked his skintight gf for a loan????? I've got doormat written across my face sad

I guess you've tried googling his name to be sure he hasn't had an awful accident?

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:49:31

Yes, proof. We met at work but he's in a different county now.

MsWinnieBaygo Wed 26-Jun-13 22:50:07

Shit - I'd be worried sick that something might've happened to him tbh or maybe it's just a simple explanation such as a disconnected phone due to unpaid bills.

Do you have any other way of contacting him such as email? I know you say he lives 40 miles away but do you know his address? Can you bring toddler and knock on door? I assume you have been to his house before?

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 22:50:27

I am sorry, love

Lesson learned, eh ?

I doubt very much an awful accident has befallen him. You've been scammed.

Next time swerve the ones that promise too much, too soon, eh ?

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:50:29

Yes, googled.....he has a v common Christian and surname but nothing comes up for him. He's not on fb either.

NameThatTuna Wed 26-Jun-13 22:51:24

When did he say he would give it back? Next pay day? Which would probably be about now.

I think there's your answer OP.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 22:51:54

I also know of a paramedic who was/is a total piece of work

the job doesn't guarantee a nice/decent person, as you are learning to your (literal) cost

BerylStreep Wed 26-Jun-13 22:52:19

Are you sure nothing awful has happened to him?

Viviennemary Wed 26-Jun-13 22:52:52

I suppose there is a chance something has gone very wrong like some sort of accident. But surely his work would have told you that at least if this was the case. If he's just left then that is utterly mean and horrible of him. You should go to his house and confront him. I always think alarm bells ring when somebody has absolutely no contact with friends or family.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:53:18

Winnie.....yes, been to his house plenty of times. He lives in a flat with intercom system and works odd hours. I haven't been to his flat for two weeks.

AF......I fear you're right. Honestly, I'm nearly 40 not 17! I think I should have learnt by now...that's why I'm so mad at myself sad

Ruprekt Wed 26-Jun-13 22:53:39

I would need closure and to know what had happened.

Is he on FB ?

Do you have any friends together?

I would get a babysitter for DC and go and hunt him down for answers? angryangryangry

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 22:54:13

Give yourself a swift kick up the arse, and move on

Well rid, innit

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 22:54:20

He can't have gone missing, else his work would have been concerned and glad that you called them.

This is making me feel so sad, I just can't understand why he'd do it, and send that text first, too?

There's always the chance that he's lost his phone. You need to go to his house.

But the OP had tried his landline too without success waddlecakes

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:55:53

When I gave him the money, he promised to ay it back ( as you do) . He knows my financial situation too.

He has contact with friends and family, I don't have their addresses or contact details.

NameThatTuna Wed 26-Jun-13 22:56:32

You are not the arse OP. He is.

Don't beat yourself up over it flowers

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 22:57:33

Maybe he isn't the sort to answer the landline?

I always let mine go to answerphone, hate picking up.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:57:41

I just crave closure iyswim.

Do you know names of friends/ family?
Maybe they have facebook?

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 22:58:01

Not on FB

No contact for his friends/family

Flat with (screening) intercom (I assume you have no key/code OP)

Says he works odd hours

Borrowed money


It's an open and shut case, Dr Watson < adjusts deerstalker >

deliasmithy Wed 26-Jun-13 22:58:39

I got 'number not recognised' once when I called some one when they were in the process of changing their mobile phone number.

If something had 'happened' to him why would his phone be cut off? I'd have thought it'd go to voice mail.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 22:59:11

He never usually picks up his landline. I've left two saying are you dead?!

It's just really odd.

fuckwittery Wed 26-Jun-13 22:59:16

Ok, so you know his name and place of work and where he lives. Have you met his friends? I think you should go round there too, can you work out his shift pattern from the past shifts?

AnitaManeater Wed 26-Jun-13 22:59:26

Sounds like he's probably already married or has another girlfriend . Have you tried ringing his number from another phone he won't recognise the number for? How did you meet him? If it was on a dating site but not on facebook that would make me a bit suspicious.

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:01:29

I hope there's a perfectly normal explanation for this.

Because what he said in the text makes it particularly cruel to disappear like this.

OP, this sounds mad (and it is), but I think is warranted if you need an answer: why can't you just go to his flat and continuously buzz/ring until he's forced to answer?

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:02:55

How did you meet him?

NameThatTuna Wed 26-Jun-13 23:02:58

It's been two weeks though. OP left a message on his landline number. Even if he was in the process of changing his mobile contract, it doesnt take two weeks.

If he had lost his phone for example, he knows where the OP lives. He would have days off when he could drive to see her to let him know he was ok.

After all, she lent him the money 'to get his car fixed'

bico Wed 26-Jun-13 23:03:14

If he had blocked your number on his phone I wonder if that could explain why you get that message?

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:03:52

AF're right dear Watson smile

When charging his phone, he always had it on silent and screen face down and writes in capitals.....both I think is odd too.

I have a terrible feeling on reelection now I was either one of many or the OW sad

Could you have a surreptitious look on or similar? The findings might not be pleasant, but as you say you need closure of sorts.

TurnipCake Wed 26-Jun-13 23:07:00

Ah OP, don't beat yourself up about this. I once dated a lovely human specimen who left the country without bothering to tell me. I suspect I was one of a long line of girlfriends. I know you're probably itching for closure, but it may not happen and he ain't worth anymore of your time.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:07:23

We met at work.
I've tried withholding my number to his landline but t doesn't accept anonymous calls.
I'm going to ask ex h to have little ds this weekend so I can go over but part of me now thinks, is he worth the petrol? But I need to know what has / is going on......without sounding like a stalker!!!!

AnAirOfHope Wed 26-Jun-13 23:09:51

I would go stakeout his place of employment and ask for the money back.

Call both phones form a different moblie number to see if he answers. Then ask for the money back.

I think he is married.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:10:10

I wouldn't waste the petrol, love

Use the money for a nice day out for you and ds

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:10:11

I'm going to look on a few dating websites to see if he's on any. Silly question as I've never used one...would he be under his regular name or would he have a user name???

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Wed 26-Jun-13 23:10:19

How about sending him a short letter. Try and be factual and unemotive. Something along the lines of
To Plonker
I have not been able to contact and can only conclude that you have ended our relationship. I wanted to remind you that I need you to repay the £200 pounds that I lent you on the XXXXX . Please can you send a cheque as soon as possible. I have enclosed a SAE


There is no point trying to get 'closure' from him.

CrispyHedgeHog Wed 26-Jun-13 23:14:32

He's not in London/Essex is he Daisy?

(also had an experience wiht a dodgy paramedic)

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:15:42

Hi, crispy, I was thinking of you upthread x

He'd have a username. You could do a search for chaps in his town/city and see if his picture's up or if any profiles /descriptions resonate.

AnAirOfHope Wed 26-Jun-13 23:15:56

I think I would go to his works and.confront him and take he had on him at the time and let it go.

cozietoesie Wed 26-Jun-13 23:16:18


This is the second time (at least) you've become exercised over this man. Isn't it time to just let it go emotionally? (Although you will need to get the money back.)

BerylStreep Wed 26-Jun-13 23:16:55

Good letter.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:17:10

icant I will do that......both to his work and home address.

Can't be arsed trawling through dating websites!

I really hate him right now angry

CrispyHedgeHog Wed 26-Jun-13 23:18:06

Hiya AF.. yes I saw that smile

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:19:06

crispy no.....Aylesbury way . I'm sorry you've met one too!

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:19:43

Hang on, wait a minute - I've seen you've made another thread about this exact same weirdness. The cute message followed by silence and weird phone issues.

So.....what was the problem last time, according to him?

wordyBird Wed 26-Jun-13 23:20:38

Oh no. sad

I'm with Any on this one. You're a lovely person, who's been very badly treated here.

Intense, passionate, short term, money lent, sudden loss of contact..... it's only a sketch of a man, but recognisable. And very very cruel.

Not worth petrol to chase up, imho, but totally understand wanting to. Totally sad

ChasedByBees Wed 26-Jun-13 23:20:50

Hmm, do you have to pay to take someone to the small claims court? I'd be tempted.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:20:51

cozie yes,the second time.

I need to move on with my £200 in my pocket.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:21:10

Pink, love, a very quick search of your posting history (sorry) reveals he has been a shit virtually from day 1

Let it go. I wouldn't even try to get the 200 quid, except through the medium of two men built like brick shithouses, in the mood of an angry wasp with a special interest in kneecaps, tbh

No good will come of chasing after him. Hold on to what is left of your dignity, and walk away.

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:22:46

waddle busy on course and no phone reception.

Me thinks he's an arse. I've never been too busy to text back at some point.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 26-Jun-13 23:23:45

I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible situation to be in.

I can totally understand why you feel you need 'closure' but I wonder if that will actually do you more harm in the long run?

He's an adult, he owes you money and, whatever excuses there could possibly be, put yourself in his position - all of it. If you were in hospital, you'd find somebody to get a message to him, you'd do whatever it took to make sure that he knew you were ok and that you were thinking of him, that he was important.

If - and I know you wouldn't do this but IF - you decided to just dump and run, you'd plan it that a) you wouldn't send an 'I Love you' text, because you're not a sadist and b) you'd get that £200 sent to him by Special Delivery or through the letterbox with a note just saying "Sorry, it's not going anywhere, thanks for the nice times... blah blah".

If you go and visit him, you'll be all buoyed up in the meantime with a 'plan of action' and that will see you through but you're going to be totally flat afterwards when it comes to nothing. He is blanking you, for whatever reason. He's cruel and I don't know what depths he would plumb as he's already pretty low. If he's there and sees you - what could he say to you to soothe you or make you feel any better about yourself? If he's there and won't see you, you'll feel humiliated. There's no going back from what he's done, you'd never trust him or feel at ease with him again and why should you?

Grieve now and give yourself a date to stop crying over him, to get everything he's ever given you away or put in the bin. Write off that £200; you won't get it back. Chalk it up to experience and know that he is the one who has lost out, not you. He knows your a single mum and he took that money from you; that's pretty bad but to not pay it back - that's horrendous. You're so well rid of him, OP and I wouldn't pay for a drop of petrol to go and see him; he's the one who has been out of contact, not you. He's dropped you and he's a fool. You'll be fine, stay away from him and chat here, see you friends, don't run after him because you'll feel worse directly.

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:27:53

LyingWitch, your post is absolutely spot on.

OP, having seen that he's done this to you before, I take back the suggestion of hunting him down. Just follow LW's advice. She's right, there's no possible excuse for anything he's done.

Although the 200 quid is enfuriating, what really really shocks me is that text message. I just don't get why anybody would do that, there seems to be nothing gained by it, so WTAF?

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:29:01

he sent the text because he can

just more, no less

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:29:20

* thank you lying*

I just feel stupid, grief struck with termination and someone who I thought really cared just took my money and legged it without a backward glance.

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:30:19

But what does that mean, AF? What feeling could he possibly take from it?

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:31:27

AF......exactly. Just a few words to him probably sent while his new bit of stuff was in the shower ( sent at 0630).

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:32:41

Yes, what could he take from it?????

Apart from my fucking cash angry

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:32:59

A feeling of power ? A boost to his ego to think he can control someone to this extent (because he has, hasn't he) ? A kick in the pants from a woman-hater (his behaviour is very woman-hating) ?

Who knows ? Perhaps he really believed he loved her (which is actually more worrying than him being a simple twat, tbh)

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:36:32

AF, I sadly agree. He claims his ex stabbed him for no reason. He has scars but the time scale doesn't match the wounds iyswim. I'm a nurse so have experience.

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:40:14

How fucking thick do you have to be to lie to a nurse re something medical?

Shame she didn't stab him a bit harder IMO

Pinkdaisy4 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:43:11

I know.....I said he must have good healing qualities. He claim that they're 18 months old but resemble childhood scars.

If she really did stab him......what on earth did he do to her???!!!!!!!

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:45:16

''I said he must have good healing qualities''

LOL! wink

TurnipCake Wed 26-Jun-13 23:45:24

The guy I referred to earlier also claimed to have been stabbed. Wonder if they think a) we'll love the little rascal even more or b) it makes them sound really 'ard, innit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 26-Jun-13 23:45:55

Pinkdaisy... I don't know why he sent the text. I wonder if it's because when somebody is planning to 'con' or leave or whatever, they think (in their twisted minds) that they'll give you a crumb of niceness to cling onto in the days of misery after discovery. Who knows?

Do you know what though? You haven't lost anything really. £200 is a lot of money to you, I understand that, but you can recoup it - save 20p a day even and you'll get there. Tell yourself that £200 is the cost of the lesson and that you won't need to learn it again. Therefore, it's actually good value, even.

You've learned that you are responsible for your own finances and you will not subsidise or lend another adult money again. You know that your 'senses' are quite finely honed; even though you have strong feelings about this guy, you are not blinded and you know that it's over. That sense of self will stand you in good stead for your recovery, which won't take that long.
You've been through some dreadful life experiences this year - and you've come through them - ON YOUR OWN. You know that you don't need a man to get through life, you can stand on your own two feet and that's an awesome and worthwhile achievement for any woman. You're setting your son a very good example too - a mum who will not be messed around by anybody and who is strong in her own right. When she has a wobble or a fall, she won't crumple, she'll get back up and do what she needs to do.
One last part of the lesson you've had validation of is that you know how to love; to give your heart truly and deeply and you know how to receive love. That is no mean feat. This man was and is not worthy of you and he knows it, hence his hiding away from you. Your heart is a muscle and you damn well know how to use it.

I really hope that doesn't sound trite and patronising; I've been where you are and wish that somebody had managed to stop me 'chasing'. I kicked myself in the bum for a long time after that too - not for what happened, but the chasing... never, ever again.

Lastly, PinkDaisy, Nobody is keeping score, you know, remember that and don't you do it either. xx

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:46:28

He sounds like a fucking psychopath actually

The lies, the manipulation, the total void in any empathy


waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:46:37

Of course she didn't really stab him, you say yourself they're childhood scars.

He probably just makes up this BS to make you think he's really rock 'n' roll, how lucky you must be that this glamorous wild man should take an interest in you..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 26-Jun-13 23:48:02

Thanks waddlecakes, you're very kind. blush

Great post LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:49:39

And another great post LW, you really know how to hit the nail on the head. The part about ''you know how to love'' really resonated with me, as did the chasing thing. Nice one.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:50:18

Points at lying's post and says "that"

AnyFucker Wed 26-Jun-13 23:51:38

Waddle I noticed on another thread you are having a rough time recently

How kind that you are trying to help others right now

I guess he sent the text to totally wrongfoot you and it worked - there was that slight questionmark at the back of your mind for a while, but hell, what a chilling lack of compassion or empathy. Makes you feel sorry for his next victim.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 26-Jun-13 23:56:52

I don't think this man will pay your money back.

Don't give him any more attention - he will enjoy it.

To do this, he must be quite some piece of work - just walk away I would.

Moxiegirl Wed 26-Jun-13 23:58:38

I live there, want me to take a look?!

waddlecakes Wed 26-Jun-13 23:59:28

AF I seem to have recovered from it fairly quickly. Day 1 I cried all day non stop. Day 2 I cried three times. Today is Day 3, and when i think about him I feel a pang in my heart, but the deep pain has gone because I realise it was for the best.

OP, what LyingWitch says is really important. I also got suddenly dropped by a guy with whom it was all really intense and fucked up. It's true that as I was cycling back from that wondrous event, it hit me that I gave mysekf to that guy completely - I can love! Properly! Imagine what it would be like with someone who can do the same. Hang on to that thought. From your tone, you will probably get over this faster than you think, even if right now you feel like your life is a funeral parlour. If it's any consolation (it is to me), tell yourself that wherever he's gone, whoever else he tries it on with won't make a difference. Same old shit, different woman. People this manipulative and emotionally disconnected rarely mend.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Jun-13 00:07:36

That is impressive, waddle

SacreBlue Thu 27-Jun-13 00:14:45

You've had really good advice from AF Re the text I think things like that are like thieves (and he one too!) leaving a door or window unlocked to get back in your home at a later date. I would spend some time double checking your emotional doors and windows.

Texts, or proclamations of love, or 'woe is me' declarations, are ways to leave you wondering wtf is going on i.e. dazed and confused. You are seeking closure and prone to over thinking some 'good reason' why their actions didn't match their words.

Another 6mnths down the line if he is bored or broke he then can text an 'I'm sooo sorry, please let me explain, i miss you, you won't believe hard hard the last few months has been'

If you have had no closure (nor created your own 'closure') then you might be tempted to speak to him. And the charm offensive to worm his way back into your life will start again.

I would work on processing your feelings now so that you can ensure any sneaky emotionally manipulative ways back in are barred to him. If/when he gets back in touch you will be better protected.

Best of luck and really shitty about the money sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 27-Jun-13 00:15:12

I'm sorry to hear of your difficult time, waddlecakes, hoping for a timely (rather than speedy) recovery for you. Everything in your own time and each day done and dusted 'good'.

SacreBlue Thu 27-Jun-13 00:16:58

And witch (x-posted typing in the dark)

turnipcake also dated a paramedic who claimed to be stabbed. Surely that's too big a coincidence to not be the same bloke.

CrispyHedgeHog Thu 27-Jun-13 05:32:55

Not the same one as me, unless he had some scars from being burnt in a fire as a child?

Sheesh there are some dodgy paramedics out there.. three in one thread!

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 07:26:29

You're all lovely, thank you for your replies. I'm just glad ds didn't get to know him.
crispy not burnt in a fire. They didn't look like burns....or stab wounds come to think of it!!!!

turnip did your paramedic have Tourette's ? If so, it must be the same bloke!!! sad

StrawberryMojito Thu 27-Jun-13 07:58:14

Would you consider complaining to his employer re his conduct re the £200? He is in the emergency services and deals with people who are at their most vulnerable so therefore he needs to be trustworthy. It is not theft but is clearly morally wrong. I doubt he would lose his job over it and you probably still won't get your money back but it may make him think more about his actions on the future.

Pink if he wanted to get in touch he would have by now sad

Don't waste the petrol and time. Unfortunately he is not worth it.

Assuming he is alive (and he probably is) there is no valid reason for not getting in contact.

The obvious reason is usually the truth.

brokenhearted55 Thu 27-Jun-13 08:30:34

It's easy to say (and I need ti heed this advice too) don't get invested too quickly.

Referring to him as DP (darling partner) after 6 months. He was your boyfriend not a darling partner.


BerylStreep Thu 27-Jun-13 09:14:39

Well I would want the £200 back. I suggest sending the letter mentioned upthread, asking for return of the money. If you don't get it back, I would then write to his employer, explaining that you had been in a relationship and had lent him money, which he has not returned.

If he is married, this will have the effect of highlighting to his employer that he is having affairs, and also highlight that he may have debt problems. I am in the public sector (although not medical) and if someone wrote to us outlining that money was owed, we haul the person in and leave them under no illusion that they are required to pay the money back.

MexicanHat Thu 27-Jun-13 09:30:55

So sorry OP this is awful for you. To do this at all is bad enough but to treat you this way after having a termination is so cruel and callous.

Lots of different advice and opinions on here but I know I couldn't get past this without some answers. I have recently come out of a similar time scale/full on relationship and was feeling sorry for myself but after seeing how you have been treated has given me a much needed kick up the bum.

I am another one who would want my £200 back - how dare he take your hard earned money and disappear. I would definitely be paying him a visit.

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 13:26:47

You've all been so kind for replying and given me perspective and strength.
I just can't get over hoe cruel he's been. sad

MexicanHat Thu 27-Jun-13 13:38:16

We are here anytime you need to talk and here whatever you decide to do. flowers ((Hugs))

SnookyPooky Thu 27-Jun-13 15:17:01

Pink please don't let him give you any old cock and bull when you finally track him down. Unless he has been in a coma this last fortnight there is no reasonable excuse for not being in touch.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 27-Jun-13 16:20:44

Pinkdaisy... Please hang in there and DO nothing whatsoever to get in touch with him. I wouldn't even bother contacting his workplace, they won't be able to garnish his wages on your 'say so' and their loyalty will be with him. They may not even believe you and he may already have covered that avenue with a 'stalker/nutter' story.

Let me just tell you one more thing about chasing... it really makes me uncomfortable to remember the futility of it, but I did it anyway. On not one single occasion did 'chasing' achieve a thing - other than to make me feel even worse about myself.

Please don't do it, you really don't need another 'knock' right now and this is where I can see it heading. Post here and tell us how you feel. This is a good place and there's always somebody to keep you company. xx

I wonder if that text you got was actually meant for someone else.

foofooyeah Thu 27-Jun-13 16:39:41

So sorry this arse of a man has been so cruel.

I would however write a very short note and ask him to return my money immediately. Jts 'please return the £200 you owe me immediately' and leave it at that.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Thu 27-Jun-13 17:14:42

I would write the £200 off as a lesson learned. I know its a lot of money (lone parent too) but the hassle and stress you will save by letting go of it would be worth it.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 27-Jun-13 18:10:02

I think I'd seek closure via the small claims court.

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 18:23:09

post he often sent text like that, daily.

I've deleted them all now and his picture. I've kept the one of our 7 week old unborn baby and the scan picture. He didn't give me any cards, gifts etc so nothing really to throw away sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 27-Jun-13 18:35:04

Pink... Did YOU actually want the termination or were you pressurised to have it? I wonder if you should actually see somebody to talk this through because this seems to be 'unfinished business' between you from your perspective. Is that to do with the baby rather than him, do you think?

It must be very difficult for you to look at the scan picture of your baby.

What have you been doing today? Have you had any thoughts of what you will do?

BerylStreep Thu 27-Jun-13 19:00:55

Yes Pink, you don't sound in a very good place about the termination, and if you have kept photos of the foetus and the scan, it would seem that you haven't been in a good place about that for quite some time.

You poor woman sad

So sorry he's been such a selfish, unfeeling prick. You do realise that you may never find out what happened to him? What an arsehole angry

fooledagaincantbelieveit Thu 27-Jun-13 19:58:33

Hi Pink

so so sorry - I just posted on here today:
so I do know/understand how you feel.
Men are just SO FUCKING CRUEL sometimes, I honestly can't understand it. Why would he do that? I have a DS and every day I hope and pray I do a good enough job that he won't treat women with disdain and cruelty when he grows up (although do men EVER grow up???).
I know how tight it is with money, how much of an idiot you feel coz I feel exactly the same. Please don't blame yourself. You aren't the first woman to be conned like this, and sadly you won't be the last. If you are anything like me, you probably fall for any attention, get flattered and feel amazing, then just feel like shit?
Hugs hugs and more hugs. And lots of love (and a few glasses of wine!)

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:06:42

Strangely enough, I feel more at peace with photos and scan. Nothing to do with that twunt but that tiny little baby was conceived and she / he was a living little soul.
I didn't feel pressurised . He was like " yeah, we're going to be parents....happy happy " to " I can't afford to support you and your ds......I think a termination is for the best"

I was so shocked as I have PCOS and needed fertility treatment for ds with ex h. And I took the MAP literally an hour later. Still got pregnant sad

I stupidly asked during Uss if there was a heart beat.....there was sad

I had a medical termination ( twunt was with me) but I went home alone and 'delivered' while reading little ds a bedtime story .

I'm more angry with twunt for coming into my life, me falling for his lies , taking my money and sailing off into the distance.....without a care for me or how I feel. I hate him.

But today has been a good day. Ds and I had lots of fun in the park then play date this afternoon. smile

I just feel terrible for all those lovely MNetters that are ttc and are in bits thinking their partners are cheating. If twunt had met someone else while seeing me, she might be feeling the pangs of doubt too.....due to me but I honestly if he had another gf, I didn't have any suspicions flowers x

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:08:07

* or are in bits

My heart goes out to you PinkDaisy. Stay strong, and enjoy focusing on DS, you are well rid - your mind knows that but sometimes your heart doesn't, I know. It will get easier. flowers

I know this has probably been covered - and in all honesty I am cynical as hell about this - but do you actually know that he hasn't come to any harm? <grasps at straws>

Pinkdaisy4 Thu 27-Jun-13 22:27:16

proper I've googled but nothing . He has a very common name.

I would have heard on the underground grapevine at work surely ????

It's so odd that all was fine before.....twunt sad

Not if he was ill in some way you wouldn't, I don't think. If he had had an accident or something, you might.

As much as I know what utter bastards some people can be, this just doesn't sit quite right. If he was going to dump you like this, why send you that text in the morning? It doesn't make sense.

Boomba Thu 27-Jun-13 23:04:57

I'm with doesn't add up. Is need to know he was ok. BUT I'm a right sucker, so probably best ignore my opinon!

Can't you get any more info through work?

BerylStreep Thu 27-Jun-13 23:06:14

But if he was ill or had had an accident, it wouldn't explain why his phone isn't working.

No Beryl, I agree, but it could be a coincidence. It's just really odd. And I have had a couple of vanishers in my time as well.

VelvetSpoon Thu 27-Jun-13 23:37:09

Possibly when he sent that text he hadn't decided...and then subsequently made his mind up - and once he had, no need to contact you.

I'm sorry, it's a horrible thing to happen. Apart from the ones I ended it with (properly, I hasten to add, not just by ignoring them), and my first ever serious relationship, I have been dumped by silence by pretty much every other bloke I have been involved with. It really is utterly crap. The first time it happened (back in the pre-mobile & internet era...) I did think 'what if he's been injured?' etc. He hadn't been. He was just a complete cock, unfortunately for me.

Sometimes they do it because they're too lacking in balls to be the bad guy, too scared of emotion, or upset. Or because they have sociopathic tendencies (quite possibly this guy fits that mould) and use people until they have no need for them anymore, whereupon they drop them like a stone. And those men will pay no attention to your feelings, because they lack empathy, and are only concerned with how they feel.

I think, honestly, he hasn't had an accident. He was just a nasty man. One day that nastiness will bite him in the arse. Hopefully soon. In the meantime I think all you can do, OP, is be kind to yourself. You are clearly a nice person, you did a nice thing for him in lending that money. Don't feel bad, or reproach yourself. It is a lot of money when you don't have much I know, but it was perhaps the cost of seeing his true colours.

Sorry though. It is a horribly, crappy thing for one person to do to another, especially one they profess to have feelings for.

Scarletohello Thu 27-Jun-13 23:47:04

So sorry sweetheart, I just don't know why someone would do this. Please don't let it make you bitter. You are worthy of love and I hope you meet someone bloody brilliant in the future! By the way there's a fab website called Baggage Reclaim with lots of brilliant advice about men and dating and taking care of you. I encourage you to take a look xx

SugarMouse1 Fri 28-Jun-13 04:54:19

Do you know what his car looks like?

As the money you lent him was for repairs to his car, I would sneakily go and key it and slash the tyres.

Good Luck, keep your chin up

Pinkdaisy4 Fri 28-Jun-13 09:44:03

I did think of trashing his car! But a moment of madness would realistically leave me with a criminal record and no career although would make me feel better

Pinkdaisy4 Fri 28-Jun-13 09:47:11

You lovely MNetters have kept my spirits

seaofyou Fri 28-Jun-13 10:08:12

Agree with Veletspoon totally a sociopathic guy here the red flags are the intense rush and love at start of relationship and can switch off emotion like a switch when you no longer are use to them lucky you didn't have a dc with him etc

Spiritedwolf Fri 28-Jun-13 11:02:52

Sorry, I don't mean to be pernickity about something which might well be painful for you.

But you said:
I didn't feel pressurised . He was like " yeah, we're going to be parents....happy happy " to " I can't afford to support you and your ds......I think a termination is for the best"

That's about what he thought - one minute he wanted a baby, the next he didn't. But you might have felt differently? You don't have to talk about it here and I'm not saying you have to be feeling conflicted about it just because you are treating your scan picture with respect.

smile I'm glad you are having fun with your son and not giving this houdini too much thought. What a coward he is. As he has previous for going zero contact, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back in touch, needless to say, you can tell him where to go. I assume he has more than one woman that he is juggling.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 28-Jun-13 11:19:50

Do nothing to him or for him, Pink, it will harm YOU. The only person you need to think of is yourself and what you need.

Accept that this relationship is over and grieve for that, just that. Don't add more layers to it by thinking of what might have been. At the point realisation dawned is the cut-off point. Adding hopes and dreams for the future of this one is wasted and just gives you some additional pain to try to manage, which you can well do without.

I think that there may be some benefit to you in getting somebody professional - and objective - to talk your termination through with. What you've posted about your infertility makes me wonder if he put subtle and insidious pressure on you to terminate? Maybe he didn't - maybe it was what you wanted at the time? I'd feel less twitchy about it all if you 'checked it out' and came back helped or validated about your decision. You did nothing wrong whatsoever.

I've been thinking about this man; his job, the posts above that question whether 'this is the same man' elsehwere. I wonder if because he's in the paramedic profession, this role calls to certain types of men who realise that the professional role of 'rescuer' brings with it some very real opportunities to access potentially vulnerable women who might appreciate men who have authority, hold 'lives in their hands' and who demonstrate caring, rescuing and bravery, literally life-saving on a daily basis. Who wouldn't be seduced by such men as potential life partners? There are just some who seemingly would use that to the bad, for their own egos.

I'm certainly not saying that all paramedics, doctors, firemen, policemen have this in their career selection checklist BUT, if you were some kind of cruel sociopath, wouldn't it be a marvellous 'perk' to take advantage of?

Stay strong, PinkDaisy, do nothing regarding this man until you are absolutely certain that what you do will not be contrary to YOUR best interests. We're here and holding your hands. xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 28-Jun-13 11:22:57

cross-posted with SpiritedWolf. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thinks that you could do with some support regarding the termination, PinkDaisy. This is all about YOU and only you. smile

BerylStreep Fri 28-Jun-13 11:29:53

Lying, funny you say that, I know a guy who was dismissed from the police because he was basically a sexual predator who tried to take advantage of people he met through his job. Guess what? He was a paramedic before he joined the police. hmm

seaofyou Fri 28-Jun-13 12:40:20

Just read page 5 <<<hugs>>>

I am so sorry for what you have been through I do hope he is gone as he is a bad one. You and your family deserves a loving caring truthful honest man not a fraud.

SugarMouse1 Fri 28-Jun-13 14:31:30


I'm sure it wouldn't come to that

He isn't likely to be the sort of person who'd go to the police

Besides, you are highly unlikely to be charged even if you are caught; frankly its not a police priority, they are highly unlikely to even bother investigating

There are other ways to get revenge.

Sign him up for the BNP- if you pay the £30 membership fee- let slip to people and he may lose his job!

Sign him up for endless junk mail etc

Put his number on gumtree for an advert

Have a grand piano delivered to his house from freecycle or somewhere

BerylStreep Fri 28-Jun-13 15:19:08

I personally don't think any revenge plots are a good idea. Not only can it get you in trouble, you will come across as being seriously unhinged, and for what purpose?

The best you can try to do for yourself is pick yourself up, view it as a lesson learnt, and move on with some dignity. Although I would still like to get money back, but perhaps that in itself is a good lesson - never a lender or borrower be.

Doha Fri 28-Jun-13 15:21:55

The ultimate revenge.. send an undertaker round to his house to make arrangements for HIS funeral..

unobtanium Fri 28-Jun-13 16:38:02

I'm so sorry, Pink. Been dumped that way, long time ago. Knocks the wind right out of you.

Wise words of comfort and advice above -- all spot on.


Officershitty Fri 28-Jun-13 16:46:57

Sign him up with loads of companies so he gets lots of junk mail. Sometimes you can send off for stuff (try before you buy).
Arrange for a skip to be delivered to where he lives.
Arrange for a stripper to go to his workplace.

Officershitty Fri 28-Jun-13 16:48:42

Well I'm only joking before anyone jumps on me. He sounds like a shit, hope you find someone decent, they are out there. Wanker.

missbopeep Fri 28-Jun-13 18:28:23

You can use the small claims court for around £25 to claim back your money. If he refuses he might get a black mark ( not sure of legal term) against his name which could affect his credit rating (I know this applies to businesses as I used the SCC to try to get money back owed to me by a client.) You just need his name and address and the reason for the debt.

It may be- psychologically- better to put all of it behind you, but it's your call.

You've had issues with this guy almost from week 1- so it's better its ended now than in another 6 months. Not much comfort now I know, but maybe take some time out from men to recover your self esteem and take things more slowly- let them run after you!

MyExIsAParamedic Fri 28-Jun-13 18:37:57

Lying, Another one here thinking 'Funny you should say that ...'

My ExH is a paramedic and he had one affair and then another affair (that I know of) with women from work. I'm surprised they got anyone to hospital.

I agree that this is just a small section of the service, but it's horribly toxic.

MyExIsAParamedic Fri 28-Jun-13 18:39:11

Oh and if you dump their stuff down at the ambulance station they do find it embarrassing, apparently, to be 'caught out'.

DHtotalnob Fri 28-Jun-13 18:43:00

^ what missbopeep said.

I'd be tempted to do the obvious stuff to get the money back (formal letter, CC action etc) if this is realistic in the circumstances but balanced with whether it's worth your headspace.

Do you know his address? I know you said were googling but he has a common name - was that to do with seeing if he was married etc?

missbopeep Fri 28-Jun-13 19:15:44

IF you decide to try for your money you need to be able to detach yourself once you've filed- you can do it all online anyway so it's dead easy.

But he would be given something like 4 weeks to pay up, then if he doesn't you go to the next stage which costs you a bit more- though you do get all your costs back in the end if the claim is successful. If they don't pay there are a couple of options- one is to send in the bailiffs ( and they take things that can be sold) or he can be asked to pay back weekly and it will be deducted from his salary at source ( or it used to be- I used the SCC for a debt incurred in a car prang by an uninsured idiot, and was paid back that way.)

It might just make him think again about treating women like you so badly but you have to be prepared for the process to take a couple of months- and meanwhile he is in your head.

I'd suggest that if you DO go down that route, have no contact with him other than the legal process, and just don't do or say anything emotional- just detach from it all.

Pinkdaisy4 Fri 28-Jun-13 20:57:42

beryl this guy claimed to be in the police before he became a paramedic!!!!!

To everyone who has dodgy paramedic stories.....I'm really worried this is the same guy!

BerylStreep Fri 28-Jun-13 21:12:41

Pink, the one I know is in the wrong part of the country, but I do think Lying has a point - they are both jobs in which predators get to play the hero, and also come into contact with vulnerable women.

I am not for a second saying that all paramedics or police officers are sexual predators - I personally know many lovely people in both professions, and it gives me comfort to know that if it comes to light, predatory behaviour is not tolerated and individuals will be dismissed.

kittenmittens Fri 28-Jun-13 21:35:42

Oh my god. If this thread has taught me one thing, it's to avoid paramedics like the plague.

I hope you get your money back OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. But like somebody has already suggested, if you don't get it back, consider it £200 well spent on a very valuable lesson.


seaofyou Fri 28-Jun-13 22:09:48

Do not go near paramedics, police, Nurses...anyone from civil service or with Computers Studies Degrees....that possibly covers everyone though! Paramedics are known for it my ex BIL is one. Go for a lower skilled person painter, shop worker etc and they tend to be more grounded as not in a position to abuse their positions

Pinkdaisy4 Fri 28-Jun-13 22:33:14

sea im a nurse ....we're not all bad confused . I've never disappeared on anyone / cheated. maybe once aged 16


Pinkdaisy4 Fri 28-Jun-13 22:39:08

myexisaparamedic I love your username . Something we both have in common smile

I don't have any of his stuff sadly. In six months, he had cards etc from me. Aftershave and was never the in a rush to get his wallet out when we went out. Did I get anything for my birthday ( post money incident) No!

Cruel , sociopathic arse.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 28-Jun-13 23:11:42

Ohh please... don't start generalising professions with nasty personality traits. That's completely illogical and unfair - not to say more than a little stupid! Why would you do that? confused

Pinkdaisy - you met a bad man. His job is immaterial because there are PLENTY of good, kind, decent paramedics as there are other professions - and some bad apples in EVERY profession.

kittenmittens Fri 28-Jun-13 23:29:52

Because clearly we were being serious Lying hmm

thefrozensouth Sat 29-Jun-13 01:12:59

I got dumped like this after 5 years - and I'd lent him money too.

Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 29-Jun-13 11:42:27

kittenmittens... well that's a relief then! I can usually pick up sarcasm, clearly not yesterday. Sorry ladies. blush

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sat 29-Jun-13 15:14:01

A very similar thing happened to me OP and strangely enough the guy was a paramedic. We had been seeing each other for about 3 months. The last time I saw him, he stayed over at my house and we DTD (sorry if tmi). I woke up at 3am and he had disappeared. Couldn't get hold of him for a week. When I finally did, he dumped me. I certainly feel your pain OP, what a rat.

Pinkdaisy4 Sat 29-Jun-13 20:45:34

makemine he sounds similar / identical to my ex twunt shock

He didn't have Tourette's did he ? Only reason I'm asking as mine did! Too much of a coincidence !

missbopeep Sun 30-Jun-13 09:01:50

With respect to anyone who suffers from Tourette's , how can they be a paramedic? Are you sure he was being honest about that even? The behaviour of T's would surely make it hard for someone to work on the front line of medical emergency services?

AnyFucker Sun 30-Jun-13 16:25:34

Talking about dodgy people being attracted to certain professions...

I heard (on good authority, not going to say any more) that the head of a police child protection unit was eventually sacked. It turned out he had joined the unit and worked his way up through the ranks purely to get access to the worst kinds of child abuse images.

Anyway, have been away for a few days, pink, so am just checking back in to see how you are thanks

This is horrible OP. I hope you didn't go to his house- as horrible as it is I think that you should leave it. I know the temptation to get closure is strong but don't do it. It will probably give him a kick to know he's got to you. The absolute twat.

Pinkdaisy4 Sun 30-Jun-13 22:16:09

AF thank yousmile

No, I haven't been to his house or tried calling. I thought of writing him a letter but won't register with him . He won't think he's done anything wrong and make me out to be a stalker or something!

I swing between anger and disbelief and wanting revenge but I know I must in reality walk away with dignity and not give that arsehole a second though. He hasn't to me sad

AnyFucker Sun 30-Jun-13 22:34:53

You sound ok. Hold on to the anger, but hold on to your dignity

If he ever comes sniffing around again, please come to MN first so we can help you frame your response smile

Don't just poo-poo that idea. He may well turn up again, like a proverbial bad penny, thinking you will be grateful for any crumbs he will give you.

seaofyou Mon 01-Jul-13 00:20:34

Lying I said it because after being in one of those professions for over 20 years I have never seen so many affairs/one night stands one place over 50% of staff were shagging someone else at some point! One local club is known as a knocking shop for one of the professions too.
The computer science one is just personal exp of both men very nasty/cold etc and yes paramedics have a terrible name re relationships. Why? Because they earn't it! And yes I am aware it only takes a few...but a few too many just tars the rest sadly!

MeredithSwadkins Mon 01-Jul-13 07:29:37

It happens to the best of us - a learning experience - you won't get caught again.

Mine contacted me a few month later to check I was okay confused prat

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 05-Jul-13 15:13:06

Pink flowers flowers flowers

(And Waddle flowers)

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 15:33:12

You are no plonker, you are a nice person, him on the other hand is scum, you are well rid.

Samu2 Fri 05-Jul-13 22:02:57

My mum had a very intense relationship with a man who we all loved. He seemed amazing and then one morning he wrote a note telling my mum that he loves her then he ran off.

Two years later he came back with no explanation..

I would forget the money OP. It isn't worth the hassle, just focus on moving on and getting stronger so you aren't tempted to take the bastard back if he comes crawling.

Buzzardbird Sat 06-Jul-13 09:46:00

I would be so tempted to pretend I couldn't remember who they all the posters who said their absconded partners came back.
I would imagine that would injure their self-inflated egos the most.

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