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Someone talk to me emotional affair(84 Posts)
I found out last year my husband was having an EA whilst I was pregnant.
He kept going out with his friends I must admit I probably did go on at him but he was out all the time I rang him and had a huge row I have two other children who are now 4 & 6.
He threatened to leave me that went off for a week I didn't eat or sleep I worried for my unborn son. He said he couldn't live with me anymore as I was vile basically.
He did leave for a night and then came home the next day still saying he was going packing his stuff and taking off his wedding ring and throwing it at me.
I begged him not to go I couldn't imagine life alone pregnant with small children too. In the end he stayed and said he wanted to make our marriage work.
Everything was going ok until June (he didn't want me to go to his works party in that month)
Instinct told me to check his phone and numerous msgs were swapped with a Dan but I couldn't read the deleted msgs it just showed in message log so I could see what was sent and when.
The messages were swapped after he has already come back a few days after.
I asked who Dan was he said a work colleague (male) I only suspected something as a Danielle had messaged him on Facebook a few months previous around the time of the problems.
I rang the number and she was a total cow on the phone told me nothing really so didn't help.
He admitted they had an attraction but it went no further than that? And they both were having relationship probs and she was just a shoulder to cry on.
I made him leave his job at that point only because an incident had happened a year before.
The first incident was a couple he made friends with at work the girl was 19 and I thought as he was friends with them as a couple it was fine.
They talked on Facebook for months he commented on her photos just sarcastic comments really but maybe hidden flirting who knows?
Then in June 2011 he didn't come back on time from work and said he worked late when I asked him.
This girl messaged me the next day saying he had gone to her house after work saying he needed the toilet he knew her boyfriend wasn't there as he just left him at work.
She told me she thought he was attracted to her as why would he go around when he was alone for a few hours ?
After I foud out he swore he didn't like her but she was nuts and loved herself I believed him.
All this has been eating me up inside he no longer works there and has been nothing but nice to me but does keep accusing me of looking at other men which he never used to.
I asked him last night of he liked the first girl and to tell me the truth he said he did Said he liked her tattoos! But wouldn't of acted on it!
I feel like a total mug he did admit he thought something better may be out there but now he knows he did wrong and asks me to move on and stop bringing up the past.
I don't know why he did any of it I'm relatively attractive I think ,so hugely dented my self esteem.
I would love to know peoples opinions on this if he had the chance with the first girl would he have taken it? Also would he have left me for that girl last year? He swears that wasn't the plan he was leaving because of our problems.
Could u forgive ? I'm 26 I don't want to live this life in regret of staying with a liar who I can't trust. He's so nice and friendly no one would suspect him to be untrustworthy
I need honest opinions pls
When someone tells you to 'stop bringing up the past', consider the present and your future.
When a partner you've had worries about starts acting suspicious about who you see or talk to, that could be him projecting his own guilt.
The energy you must expend on worrying about what he's up to could probably power your house for a year. 'Our' problems indeed - how about questioning whether the 'relationship problems' he uses as an excuse to contact other females actually stem from him, er, contacting other women? He doesn't cry on the shoulder of male colleagues only the young attractive female ones I'm guessing?
I'm sorry, I know you have said you have three small children and it is like staring into the abyss but you need to think very carefully how committed he is.
Thank you Donkey for replying I feel so alone in this I wan to forget about it but I can't I feel he's telling me half the story but sounds so believable I don't know if I'm imagining it.
He says he loves me now and it's been a year , i has to make him leave his job because I didn't trust him I feel like a right plonker now .
You have no trust in him, and for very good reason
You would be better moving on and finding someone that isn't a disrespectful liar who makes you feel bad about yourself
Do you really think that ? I discuss this with friends they say hes such a good father/at least he works hard and other things that make me feel like I'm moaning about nothing.
He has good qualities but he's also a liar and always has been.
Back in Feb I went out for one night with my MUM to the pub he was meant to be coming but went to the pub instead after work so he smashed up my stuff. Kicked the living room door off it's hinges I was shell shocked he had never done that before either he was drunk.
I threw him out I had to physically push him out the door. The next day he said if I didn't take him back he would kill himself.
So I did I'm a mug I know that but I feel for the kids they do really love their Dad and I would feel to blame.
How do you know he was out all the time with his friends when he was having the EA? Sorry I think he was with the person he had an EA with.
He was out all the time leaving you with 2 young kids. He had an EA. He has exchanged a multitude of deleted messages with a young woman. He has popped to her house knowing she was alone (why could he not use the office toilets). He lied saying he had worked late when he had actually gone there. He disappeared off for a night. He has said you are vile and thrown his wedding ring at you.
Why wouldn't you have problems in a relationship with a selfish bastard out all the time and treating you like that?
He accuses you of looking at other men. This is deflection of guilt. It is something that is apparently done lots.
Even if he is being honest now (I doubt it) the damage was done by his selfish actions, his nasty behaviour and him being untrustable.
He has done nothing to address any of this from the sounds of it and just wants it all swept under the carpet so he isn't bothered.
Unless this is all dealt with it will turn you into a hollow shell who has wasted her life on an untrustworthy liar.
Massive X post. at that second one. Is there any more violence like that since or have you behaved and been too scared to go out and have a life since?
That time your stuff but some day it will likely be you. Please stand back and take a long hard look at this relationship. It's no good for you.
A good father doesn't keep his kid's mother on the back foot. He doesn't make her feel bad about herself
Sure he has some good qualities, or you wouldn't have looked at him in the first place. Being honest is a fairly basic requirement of a decent human being though, isn't it ?
if your friends don't buy into that, they either have shit partners of their own and are in denial or you need to make new friends
he could also play "good daddy" whilst no longer in a relationship with you
threats to kill himself, eh ?
how pathetic, and how silly that you fell for it
nobs like this don't kill tmemselves, they wouldn't be so considerate
it's emotional blackmail so he gets you back where he wants to...catering and pandering to his ego and blaming yourself for his inadequacies
I know what your saying is true he says he never met up with last years EA outside work. I know a few times when i rang him when he was out his friends were in the back ground.
When he left that night he didn't answer any of my calls and I sent a text saying I know everything what's been happening. I didn't know anything really but one of his collegues rang me asking how i was as they heard he had left an had been bad mouthing me at work so thats all i meant with the text . When he came back the next day he looked white and was like 'what do you know then'
I wonder now if that message scared him to death that I might know something else? I don't know
I missed the violence
love, that was a warning to you
a little taster of what is store for you if you go against his wishes
is this a good father ? a good role model ?
I think you are better than that
You do know.
That is why you are posting.
Because you don't want to admit it but deep down you know.
..... he looked white and was like 'what do you know then' .....
I'm sorry sweetness. I think he's been having one or more full blown affairs and not an EA at all. For whatever difference that makes.
AF I know your so right he wouldn't of done it I am so naive I have been with him ten years I was blind to his lies because he acts so nice all the time.
I sometimes think its all been a lie and he wasn't who I thought. I doubt I will move on but can I still get rid even though it's a year down the line? I should of acted then I think I've left it to late ?
He now only works with men that's the only way I could relax its so pathetic
You can leave when ever you want. No one can force you to stay in a relationship.
You have tried. There is not fault in that. There is no fault in admitting you cannot get beyond what happened.
Love, you can do what you like
Don't ask us, and don't ask him
This is your life and you don't have to stay in a relationship that no longer meets your needs
You are an important person in your own right and you will be a better mother for taking control of your own destiny and not accepting shoddy treatment by an inadequate man x
Reading what I've written I know what I would say to someone else but when your in it yourself you don't realise what's happening things snowball.
As an outsider looking in I know what i would tell someone else to do.
I'm glad I've been validated on here I needed to hear it.
Yes, he has brought you that low
That you can only rest easy that he works with men
But what about the girl in the pub, the corner shop, the offy etc etc
He's a violent liar who you need to get out of your and your childrens' lives.
You're 26, attractive and honest. Unfortunately you suffer fools and are scared of the alternative.
Don't be. It's fun. Hard work but your life right now is harder. You rightly don't want to live with this threatening imbecile shagging around under your nose. It's no example to set to your children and no life for you.
Be strong. Be firm. Be bloody. Be bold. Check out what you will be entitled to financially, see the CAB people, get your free half an hour with a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling.
You don't spend one single further minute with a person who kicks doors off hinges.
I'm so glad I posted I'm scared of the next step but emotionally I've left the relationship a while back. This will eat away at me , maybe some can move on and forgive but I'm not one of those people.
Thank you for being honest with me writing it all down has really helped my clarity on it as I've never done that before . What an idiot I have been.
You are not an idiot.
You are an honest, caring person who has tried her best.
Unfortunately that was wasted on the person you gave it all too.
You will be an idiot if you don't use this wake up to create a better life for you.
Can I also suggest a trip to an STI clinic. Just to be on the safe side.
You don't have to forgive, love. I wouldn't. Why the hell would you, he has treated you appallingly.
Thank you I really don't know if I'm in denial but what's the likelihood he slept with her?
I am scared to tell him he told me a few weeks back if I met anyone else he would kill them and then me to. He won't react well to this at all he's completely reliant on me he's quite immature he's never paid a
Phone bill (sorry that posted by mistake)
I would say he 100% slept with her.
He is threatening to kill you!
I think you have 2 options. Get out now to a refuge/somewhere he can't find you and you are safe or very carefully plan your departure, get everything sorted and then go.
Personally I think get out now. The man sounds deranged.
Forgive me for saying this - but has he ever been violent with or mouthed off about the DCs?
Not violent with me but loses his temper a lot he got so angry coz the baby was crying at a pub lunch the other day he said he was going to smash the plates up it was so embarrassing.
He shouts at the kids a lot he shouted i hate you in my baby's face when he kept crying as newborn that really upset me a lot
I think you are in danger, love
Could you go home to your family ? Please report his threats to 101 and make a call to Women's Aid and let them help you make a plan to extricate yourself and kids safely.
I know this must sound like it is escalating wildly from your OP, but this is serious stuff and you have buried it for too long
Whatever you do though, do not tip him off and do not make any moves until you are sure of your position. He will punish if you do this halfheartedly.
That was a few months ago the baby incident
Which baby incident? The one where he is screaming I hate you in a baby's face or the one when he lost his temper in public because the baby wouldn't stop crying?
That is two incidences in a short space of time.
Plus he is doing all this in front of the other children and losing his temper with them.
He sounds very close to crossing the line.
This is not a life for you or the children to live. Get out as soon as you can!
Sorry he has already crossed the line I meant crossing the line into actual physical violence to you or one of the children.
Not that the other is any better!
he 100% slept with her and others.
just LTB, he will do your head in if you stay
Do you think it's that serious? I know he threatened to kill me which sounds terrible but I know but thought it was just empty threats off an insecure person. Someone did say he may turn violent after smashing the house up as that is how it can start sometimes.
After the wedding he got so mad we couldn't sleep together because I was on a period he argued on me for a few hours until I just went to bed but said he couldn't remember it the next day which I think is rubbish .
Sweetheart, you are starting to frighten me. I really hope you are not one of those women who think "he may be an abuser, but at least he is my abuser" where abuse is overlooked as long as he doesn't breach monogamy
I think any chance of him having been unfaithful is the least of your worries, seriously
Just to clarify not my wedding a wedding we went to two weeks ago.
Really well the pub incident with my son crying happened Sunday and the shouting in his face was feb/march time.
I will leave him but I don't know where to go .
I really dont know what is abnormal or normal anymore. Like smashing up the house I wanted someone to tell me to get rid of him then but no one that knew did. I doubt my own judgement because of that .
What about your family ? If you burned bridges with them to stay with him, that will be forgotten, I reckon
Love, sometimes friends cannot give you advice like that because they are too close
or because you have taken him back before, they don't want to be the messenger that gets shot
very often, the best of your friends will fall by the wayside as you unconsciously distance yourself from them because you are not ready to hear the truth
is there anyone like that in your family or friendships, even if lapsed for a while ?
That is how it starts. It is a testing of boundaries.
Will my wife accept me staying out all night? Yes.
Will my wife accept me throwing my ring at her telling her she is vile and I don't want to be with her? Yes, actually she will beg me to stay.
Will my wife accept me violently smashing up her belongings and the house? Yes.
Will my wife accept me being aggressive and shouting at the children, including a new baby? Yes.
Will my wife accept me losing my temper in public and threatening to smash things? Yes. God knows what anyone else watching that thought!
Will my wife accept me threatening to kill her? Yes
Will my wife accept me laying hands on her or my DC?...
My mum knows what he did she still speaks to him but not like she used to. It was weird after it happened it got forgotten really quickly and no one mentioned it.
I talk to my mum about it but don't seem to get anywhere with what to do but my stepdad has been abusive to her so she's not the best person for advice although she is supportive of me.
I really don't know where to go from here ?
He's at work the rest of the week I will have to think it through and work out what to do. Thanks for ur help i appreciate someone being there for me even if it is online.
How old were you when your mother got with your step dad?
It may be that this is behaviour you expect in a relationship as you were taught it by them growing up.
Now your DC are being taught the same lessons...
Who owns the house/name on rentbook ?
Go and see CAB and find out what your rights are. Call some friends you haven't spoken to in a while. Speak to your mum. Start gathering your RL support...friends, family and professionals.
Start telling people how things really are (in strict confidence, and only those you completely trust). I expect you have been covering for him for some time.
This could easily have been my husband, he got to the smashing the house bit. I made him seek help immediately he was a very sick man.
He is fine now and is in total control of his anger issues.
The reasons for the anger problems initially make me cry thinking about it but you need to know. My dh dad was a bully, he beat dhs mum in front of my dh and threatened to kill her and all her family. She had nowhere to go it was the 1970's. He lived with his abusive father as his mum daren't take dh because he would have killed her and all her family.
This shit affects your children. Somebody needs to say it has to stop here and not continue to the next generation.
OP this is really bad and not normal. You have to get your children away, don't let it be them doing this in years to come with their partners and children.
It ended up that my dh saw his mums head repeadedly smashed on a concrete floor, he was 7.
Does he know you go on Mumsnet? If so delete your history and certainly don't leave the computer on with the page up.
I detest the "you're in danger..it could escalate" threads.
But honestly OP, nobody shouts in their baby's face, smashes things up, threatens to kill you and gets arsey and threatening at a family pub lunch.
Unless they're a nasty and unpredictable fucker.
Ring Women's Aid - though they're so badly underfunded I have no idea if they can do anything these days. Ring em anyway. Start getting your ducks lined up.
Don't start an argument with the knob. And certainly don't have a couple of wines then start telling him you have got online advice and he should really read it.
Why do you detest those threads, bbq ? You mean you detest the men that behave like that, yes ?
Something bad happened a few months ago. I refused sex I said no about ten times but he did it anyway. I didn't do anything while it was happening I told him no so many times before hand but he carried on still. This makes me so ashamed even saying it , I don't want anyone to know. I wondered after if it was sort of rape but then I thought were married u know so is it? Because I said nothing during it as I thought if I don't say anything it will be over soon. It sounds so awful.
He says stuff like I'm his property and it's my body etc I asked a fried today even if her hubby says that and she said no then I thought well no it's not normal then.
Don't shoot me down for not saying before like I said I'm very embarrassed was it just nagging and I gave in? But it felt wrong to me.
Yes AF. It's so bloody sad. I wish I could gather the women up in my arms.
potatoprints I am very glad your oh sought help, but many many and most do not get help and become better men.
OP, if your husband is going to reform in the way that Potato's did, this still means (as she says in her last few lines) that you have to get away from him first.
Marital rape has been against the law since 1991 in England and Wales.
he raped you, I am very sorry
Am I being blind to his behaviour how has that happened? How did i not know its not normal ? My idea of normal has gone.
In company he acts nice most of the time and laid back/fun etc everyone thinks he's so nice. I'm no angel myself but the anger in him is getting worse and more often.
He raped you. I am so very sorry. But I'm glad that you are posting and getting some sorely-needed perspective.
You need to rid your lives of this low-life.
There is help. Reach out.
Start telling people - as many close to you as possible.
So what have you decided to do tomorrow? Will he be at work?
We can guide you through. You know you have to do this.
where is your husband at the moment?
Every single one of us on here has not seen what's right in front of our noses at times. Or knows what advice we would give others but not give or take ourselves.
To be blunt:
Yes, that was rape
He is violent, trashing the family home
He is an emotional abuse with the suicide threats
He is a mental abuser, threatening you
He thinks he owns you
He has worn you down
There's no shame in ANY of this. Please, make notes of the incidents, watch your internet history, confide in someone you can trust to be strong and on your side, gather paperwork and call the professionals for help.
The lightbulb moment is about to come. We are all here to guide you and send you support.
But please, please see that you are worth so much more than this pathetic man.
How did you not know this was normal? You said it yourself earlier in the thread.
......Reading what I've written I know what I would say to someone else but when your in it yourself you don't realise what's happening things snowball ........
It's time to plan to get out.
I knew deep down but because I stayed quiet during I thought that was classed as consent. I'm glad Ive told someone .
The house is rented in both names but i pay out of my wages into the landlords account.
Tomorrow, do one thing
Tell your mum the whole truth about what has been happening. Take it from there.
If no joy (I have a sneaky suspicion true support will not be forthcoming, unfortunately), go to CAB on your own and find out your financial situation without him there.
Yes, tomorrow, start gathering your life back and get help.
So you can afford the rent on your own ?
Ring CAB and/or Women's Aid and see what their advice is re, taking his name off the rentbook. Broach it with your landlord in confidence (unless those two are mates or summat)
He's downstairs he has not long come home from work. He's at work all week I have money saved in my account of I need it not a lot but enough to keep me going.
I don't know what to do?
I'm on my phone he doesn't use it but I will clear it as yesterday he did check phone as soon as he got home from work which he's never done before.
And to revert to your original post, he is playing away. One more reason to let this energy and life sapper go. You came on here to vent, to question, to confirm you're not going mad.
One step at a time but reclaim yourself sweetness
Clear your phone right now and make sure you log out of MN. Remove all history. If you have had any pm's make sure you don't get a corresponding email.
He senses there is a change, guard your phone
I'm the only one to deal with the landlord I know him well enough he would rent it to me on my own.
I'm a legal secretary I don't earn a lot but I would get by. I'm only part time at the moment I would have to see if I could get any help.
How do I do this ? I don't think he will just go I don't want the boys here it would scare them.
Women's Aid and a refuge as soon as you safely can tomorrow with the kids. Keep the off school unless that will arouse his suspicion and get away from this abuser.
Legal secretary? Anyone at work who can advise you?
You need more support yet. Don't do anything until it is in place. Start talking to your friends and family. Perhaps see a solicitor for a free half hour.
If he gets physical/throwing things around, call the police. You could also consider reporting his historical rape of you
but tell him nothing
this is imperative
He knows something's wrong he's asked me today.
I need to go as I'm sure he will be up soon.
I will be back tomorrow , thank you I don't know you but you have helped me see sense I needed to hear this .
He should be the one to go, not you. It's the family residence. Can you get a barring order? I'm not in uk so not sure if you have the same system there but surely a colleague would know? You might have to buy some time here, but hurry
We'll be here tomorrow. Best of luck
I don't work in family law I work for a business unfortunately so would have no joy there in regards to advice but their may be someone I can contact and ask.
I need to plan how I'm going to do this. Thanks again will be back soon.
Sorry to hear everything you've been through.
Your initial post was bad enough, but I was willing to give him some benefit of the doubt if he'd cleaned up his act (although I do think he slept with her).
Sadly it's clear that he's actually a complete twat and potentially a scary one at that. How on earth a father could say 'I hate you' to his baby I don't know - imagine what they will feel like when they start understanding what he is saying.
And yes, I'm afraid he raped you.
Good luck - I hope you can make it out and find a better life.
I have not slept much. I have spoken to him on the phone this morning at work he sounds all chirpy and being nice.
I can't help feeling this guilt that im planning to leave him and he's doesn't know anything.
I won't discuss it with him till I've got a plan my middle son is at nursery this afternoon and the next two days. I'm planning to really sort this out when I have sometime to myself to think.
I feel guilty though I can't help it is that weird?
Not weird at all.
The 'guilt' comes from being a 'nice person' who hates keeping a secret or going behind someone's back. But he has been doing that to you for years. Difference is, he didn't feel guilty.
But this is the calm before the storm, before he knows. Until he has to know, stay quiet and be normal a spossible, while doing all your preparation work as getting away from an abusive partner is often the time they are most volitile/persuasive/scary.
Thank you I am not saying anything to him I'm going to act normal as shallow as it sounds he gets paid next week I need to hold out for that as I will need to put some by till I sort out my finances.
I feel very deceitful for how I'm acting , my Mum is visiting in an hour I'm going to tell her I don't know what she will say.
Tell her everything and remember, he's been deceitful here; not you
Show her this post and go from there if it's tricky
Reading your posts following from your first was shocking. Please get out while you can still walk. With 3 little ones it doesn't seem to me you can risk your safety staying with this man. It is not being fake or shallow or treacherous to figure out an escape from a man who treats you like he has. Marital rape? Threats? Temper? Smiling Mr Nice Guy to the rest of the world. Don't worry about people being surprised by you leaving, bullies like him put on this phoney exterior for workmates and drinking buddies. What do they know about how he treats you. We believe you.
Thank you DDRB and TFT
I will let you know what she says I cant act for another week as it is because of the money situation.
So glad I own the car so he can't have that I'm so worried I know the shit will hit the fan soon and I have to act normal.
Coming on here has been an eye opener to what I've put up with for a long time.
The eye opener is tough alright. I found MN after all mine happened, just wish I'd found it sooner...
Bide your time until next week but be careful, he already senses something is up and playing nice. This won't last.
You are right TFT. My friend who is a tarot reader did my cards yesterday for the first time in years all the bad cards came up it was the worst reading I've ever had telling me to be cautious something bad was coming.
Im not into spiritual things that much I did it as a one off for some guidance.
My friend said it was a negative reading and to be careful etc does not fill me with confidence but what will be will be.
Will post back later if I can thanks again.
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