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What should I do?

(44 Posts)
giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 20:44:19

I am a NC regular. I had to NC because this is simply incredulous and would be easily identifiable if you know me in real life and I don't want it linking to my regular name and all my other posts.

I left my abusive stbx h about 2 years ago and he sees them 1 night a week. He has never been charged with violence, has no record and I am divorcing him on the 2 year separation as opposed to unreasonable behaviour (I was frightened he would kick off <sigh>).

So he has seen the DCs quite freely. There have been 2 times when he has lost his temper - called one of them " a little bastard" and had him by the scruff of his neck. Another time when he was so vile that my DS went to school in tears and was crying for 45 minutes (he has only dropped them off at school twice in his whole life and this was one of them :-/). He regularly verbally abuses me in front of the children (whore, slag, etc).

Anyway, to get to the point.......the DCs have come back tonight having been to his house for the night and he had taken them to a local fair. One of my DS's won a goldfish, and yes to be fair he did say he wasn't that bothered about winning a goldfish, but.....my stbx h ATE THE GOLDFISH. ALIVE. FOR A £10 BET WITH A MATE. IN FRONT OF DS.

I am speechless, I want to stop all contact.

Am I over reacting?

Leavenheath Sun 23-Jun-13 20:47:04

No you're not. This man is an animal. Go for supervised contact from now on and only if the kids want to see him. He has no contact rights as a parent, only the responsibility to be available to see the kids when they want to see him.

giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 20:49:05

I have this awful guilt about stopping the contact.

The DCs still want to see him. Will they hate me if I stop the contact?!?

I was thinking of writing through the solicitor to say there is no contact until he can prove he is seeking therapy?!?

pictish Sun 23-Jun-13 20:51:19

What an utter arsehole!!

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 20:56:01

Stop contact

Let him take you to court (he will bluster about that but not follow through)

The man is an animal and no court in the land would condone what he did in front of dc's

Be strong, and stick to your guns

he is intent on destroying his children. That cannot be allowed to happen, and you will be supported in that

How is the current access set up ? Through Cafcass or such ? Contact the appropriate professional and tell them what he has done

He has fully shot himself in the foot with this latest "jape"

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Sun 23-Jun-13 20:56:03

I know it sounds silly but could you report him to the RSPCA? I;m sure they would investigate and having that on record may be helpful if he were to push for contact.

I think I would offer him supervised contact from now on though.

Leavenheath Sun 23-Jun-13 21:02:13

If the DC still want to see him they can, but supervised contact only from now on. There are contact centres just for this purpose. Don't feel guilty in the least. You would be more guilty as a mother if you let this go on a moment longer.

Vivacia Sun 23-Jun-13 21:04:39

I would feel more guilty letting my children be exposed to this language and behaviour.

giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 21:05:36

I have emailed my solicitor to send a letter out to say all contact is stopped.
God this is SHIT

giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 21:08:31

The contact arrangement is informal at the moment so I'm not breaching anything anyway.

I wonder what the hell I am going to say to the DCs
I have already said OVER and OVER tonight about how unacceptable his behaviour is and about treating animals with respect etc etc.
They won't be expecting me to say they can't see him anymore for this

And I know my 8 year old will feel guilty for telling me

Argggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

MexicanHat Sun 23-Jun-13 21:08:43

Jesus, this post had made me feel physically sick!! Supervised contact no doubt..I'm just lost for words....

joblot Sun 23-Jun-13 21:09:25

He's not an animal, animals behave better than this. He's a vile human being and I pity his children. At least you have the measure of him and can restrict contact.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 23-Jun-13 21:15:04

Just fucking awful, i can only assume that the total utter waste of oxygen was pissed. I bet his mate was pissed too - that is reason enough to not allow him unsupervised contact with the kids. Your poor kids. I actually feel sick

ColinButterfly Sun 23-Jun-13 21:15:36

That's one of the most abusive incidents I've ever heard of or read about on here. Truly vile.

Stop contact, he fits the profile of a truly awful abuser and eeek not to be amateur psychologist, these are psychopathic/sociopathic incidents. He sounds dangerous tbh.

You have done the right thing.
Don't think for a second about this poor excuse for a human being!
He is teaching YOUR children terrible thing and you are now putting a stop to that.
That is a good thing!
Don't back down. This 'person' doesn't deserve any sympathy.
Well done and stay strong.

He sounds awful.

Are you absolutely sure the goldfish was live though? I went to a fair last week that had winning prizes of plastic goldfishes in bags. We all laughed about how you 'used to be able to win a live one at the fair...'

Honestly not trying to doubt that he's a dick. Just 'hoping' it was a bad joke gone wrong?

giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 21:23:12

I'm afraid it was definitely alive

Thanks for your words guys. I ned validating on this because he has already started on the "don't make a big thing out of this/manipulate the children/it was just a joke".

ColinButterfly Sun 23-Jun-13 21:28:56

Ah it was just a joke hmm

They always say things like that

Leavenheath Sun 23-Jun-13 21:33:20

If you go for supervised contact, your children will still be able to see him, so you;re not stopping them seeing their dad are you?

Oh dear god. That's just awful. Absolutely horrible.

garlicnutty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:17

I would be telling the children that, even though he's their Dad, he does cruel things. These include: [A] eating a live goldfish (shock) [B] in front of them, [C] finding it amusing; [D] swearing at them; [E] physically attacking them.

We do not keep people in our lives who are abusive towards us or to animals.

garlicnutty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:45

Well done, btw flowers

2712 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:10:39

And Fathers for Justice always moan about mums stopping access, FGS.
I wouldn't let my DCs within 500 yards of this arse.

whitesugar Sun 23-Jun-13 22:11:03

I am sorry you and DC are going through this and am truly appalled. My EXH recently assaulted my teenagers and although not little ones the same rules apply. You should report this to the police straightaway. Animals are protected by the Animal Welfare Act. You should also report the incident when he grapped your child by the neck. I beg you to do this. These are crimes. Once you report it sociAl services will be notified & contact will be on the agenda. You must state you want no contact. For your children's sake lose any feelings of guilt about no contact. Your children are not of an age where they can decide if they want contact you must decide how best to protect them.

The reason I feel so strongly is my DC have been punched in the head by EXH. He could have killed them. He was ok til they became teenagers. They hate him now and want no contact which I support wholeheartedly. I regret allowing them to go as babies but solicitors advised then 14 years ago that just because he was violent to me he wasn't to them & they had legal right to have contact with their father. Your Ex is terrorising your children.

I should have up and left the area with the children. He wouldn't have followed to be with them because he is a lazy bastard who loves the role of victim.

You have a duty to protect your children. Make no mistake this is not normal behaviour. If his violent temper escalates and you do nothing you will have questions to answer. I apologise if I sound harsh but I really urge you to report him and push for no contact. He will always be a dangerous influence in their lives and could damage them irreparably.

whitesugar Sun 23-Jun-13 22:15:06

I should have clarified that my children are now permitted themselves to decide whether or not to have contact.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 16:22:43

My solicitors have sent the letter today.
I feel sick with how he is going to react.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 16:29:46

What did the letter say then? Are you going for no contact or supervised contact?

GetStuffezd Mon 24-Jun-13 17:01:24

This man is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve contact with his children. He sounds like a lunatic. You've done the right thing.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 17:26:54

The letter said after an accumulation of inappropriate incidents it has been decided that contact is not in the children's best interests.

He is going to go ballistic.

2712 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:42:33

Never mind no contact with his DCs, you need to get a restraining order on him. He sounds nasty.

Have you got support in RL?

How are the children today?

OodPi Mon 24-Jun-13 20:35:43

Cruelty to animals is often a sign of an abuser even before they abuse. My brain is currently numb as I've been off work so long but have done a bit of DV training ( was going to be a lot more but pregnancy delayed it) and this was one of the questions ( possibly for MARAC?)

CityTiliDie Mon 24-Jun-13 21:03:59

I thought fairs were banned from offering live animals as prizes.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Jun-13 21:06:51

Obviously not, City

My local fete has live goldfish to win

Strange "support" you were offering there hmm

Hope you are ok, OP. You sound terrified, and I don't blame you. Please make sure you have RL support close by.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 21:50:25

Thanks you all.

I'm concerned about him getting the letter tomorrow. I didn't get to speak to my solicitor today because was working all day so am not sure what legal standing I have in saying that he cannot see the DCs.

He has already been warned that he needs to pick the DC up from the road side and not come up the driveway because of his abuse but there is no order in place.

I just currently have the advice that if he breaches this to call the police.

I don't know what happens now..........it's scary.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 21:55:21

I'd talk to the police and get a few of these incidents logged. Think you'll also need to spend quite a bit of time reassuring the children that you're acting with their welfare and safety in mind and that they did the right thing telling you about the goldfish.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 22:16:11

Thanks Leaven, I have spoken to the DC tonight and tried to reassure them, especially DS2 who told me about it and 'landed him in it'. I hate that they might think I am being a horrid over reactor - their boundaries have been skewed by their F and I know they don't want to know that their father is a bit of a twat. Its so sad for them.

What a hideous twat. Hope you are OK.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 22:24:12

Do think about contacting the police before he does anything. There's no statute of limitations on reporting incidents but even if you don't want to do that, you'll be flagged as potentially at risk and they'll give you some good advice.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 25-Jun-13 01:00:50

Hi OP. You may find this helpful: www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/

The abuse counts as Section 4 harassment, and he should be locked up for it.

MadameBlavatsky Tue 25-Jun-13 01:15:06

OP stopping contact is the best thing you can do. Fuck him, if he dares come anywhere near you or your kids just call the police. He is a sick bastard and not fit to be allowed unsupervised with children.

You are doing the right thing. I doubt very much that he will take you to court, what a twat. Well done for getting away, you are far stronger than you think.

toomanyfionas Tue 25-Jun-13 11:30:04

Oh so sorry, OP.

He sounds like my friend's ex who set fire to a kitten infront of the children

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Jun-13 12:48:02

After domestic violence incidents the police do an assessment as to how at risk you are. One of the questions is has the person in question harmed or threatened to harm animals that you are aware of? They actually use that to indicate how much danger you are in.

This is one of the most awful things I have ever read. Your child will always remember it. I would get some counselling sorted out pronto.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Jun-13 12:57:27

I hope you are ok today. Clearly you are very worried about him kicking off. Can you ring the police on their non emergency number to get some advice/reassurance from them? It might help you to hear from them too that this is far from normal behaviour. They will log your call.

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