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Dh, maternity leave and sex!

(48 Posts)
Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 17:36:08

Dh and I are happily married and have the normal ups and downs. I feel as though he loves me very much. However, I feel as though we are having issues re sex.

I like to feel desired by my dh and I take care of myself to look good etc. We have dc3 who is 8 months and hard work.

When it comes to sex, dh behaves as if he would like to have sex very often. But when it comes down it, he will try it on and immediately (or within a min) touch my boobs etc, he'll then expect me to touch him and move onto sex pretty quickly. However, if I don't respond straight away to having sex, he just seems to give up and go to sleep. It feels as though I'm not worth making the effort if I don't 'put out' straight away. However, I need to get in the mood and be a little wooed! I don't mean candles, massage etc all the time, but just done effort on his part.

We have spoken about it and he just says that he's tired. He will often touch me throughout the day and then in the evening, we go to bed and unless I have sex straightaway, he'll just nod off leaving me feeling rejected.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I suppose he thinks a little differently of me. He doesn't see me in my work clothes dressed up and I'm not doing the post with drinks and office banter. It's like I'm a 'sure thing', no threat from being chased by other men, just generally at home doing family duties smile.

Anyone got any ideas how to resolve this? Do I need to play harder to get? It doesn't help that he was looking at pictures of scantily clad women a few months ago, which is demoralising. Not sure what to do? Any thoughts?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:57:46

Can anyone take the children for a weekend?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 23-Jun-13 21:05:28

I'm not sure really

In a way it seems good that if you're not responding he backs off, if I touched my DH and he didn't seem into it I would stop rather that try and 'persuade' him. But I can also see why it bothers you

Have you explained how you feel and exactly what you'd like him to do?

I don't think it would be fair to ,a&e him work for it all the time, I'm sure he'd like to feel desired and wanted sometimes as well

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 23-Jun-13 21:06:48

That's supposed to be 'make him work for it' my iPad has got a mind of its own at the moment!

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:12:08

I hadn't thought of that. Maybe he backs off because he thinks you don't want him and he's being respectful?

MissStrawberry Sun 23-Jun-13 21:15:39

Don't play hard to get as you are an adult.

Looking at half naked women may or may not have pissed you off and made you want more attention on you. You maybe should think about that and talk to your husband.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 21:52:02

He sounds like a selfish lover

And I would be seeing the red flags waving if I thought my husband was less sexually attracted to me because I wasn't being looked at by other men

Both of you sound like you have fairly fucked up attitudes to sex, tbh

Bottom line, he wants the quick penetration and you want some time spent on your pleasure ? Would you accept that in a new partner ? If not, don't accept it in him.

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:05:33

I am into having sex, but just don't want to do it the second dh touches me. I need a little time to get in the mood especially after having the children all day.

It's not that he's not sexually attracted to me if men aren't paying me attention, but when on maternity leave or st home full time, dh knows exActly what I'm doing most of the time (babycare, housework, groups etc) and so a little of the mystery is gone. When I'm at work I meet clients, attend events etc and I think it keeps him on his toes (in a good way!).

I suppose I just want some thoughts and tips to get his attention and have him make an effort with me. He is not selfish in bed, but seems to talk the talk but when it comes to it, can't be bothered to get me in the mood and gives up. Maybe I'm just crap in bed!

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:26

Think I just need reassurance that if he can look at sexy pictures on line, then I'm sexy enough too.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:19:56

it sounds like he may be some way along the line of replacing a healthy sex life with a living, breathing up-for-it woman with cold, damaging, plastic on-line porn

it's a slippery slope

for him

and if you try and compete with that, your self esteem will continue to get eroded

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:21:39

Think I just need reassurance that if he can look at sexy pictures on line, then I'm sexy enough too.

we can't do that

only your husband can do that

and he is failing miserably

OneMoreChap Sun 23-Jun-13 22:22:31

He will often touch me throughout the day and then in the evening, we go to bed and unless I have sex straightaway, he'll just nod off leaving me feeling rejected

Approaches you throughout the day... you show no desire to go further at bedtime, he backs off.

Thoughtful lover.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:25:26

...not

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:26:55

Can you not curl up on the sofa watching tv together and start kissing there etc. Being close not sexually.

Then by the time you go to bed.....

OneMoreChap Sun 23-Jun-13 22:27:41

just a different - and perfectly valid - view.

Branleuse Sun 23-Jun-13 22:29:51

if you want sex, how about you come on to him? Maybe he would quite like to be wooed too?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:30:47

I think you have misunderstood the OP, OMC

she is bothered by the fact he just wants to go straight for penetration when she wants more foreplay

typical selfish "wham bam, thank you ma'am" old fashioned bollocks

I thought most men were better than that, these days

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:31:10

I do want to go further, just not go from nothing to sex within 60 seconds. Twiddling my nipples, then wanting sex straightaway does not do it for me. I want him to desire me enough to make the effort to get and have sex. He gets defensive and says he's tired when I have raised the issue.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:32:57

tune the radio

slip it in

it's shit, isn't it ?

myroomisatip Sun 23-Jun-13 22:33:40

now hang on a minute OMC....

'touch me throughout the day'...

My Ex used to do that, it was inappropriate to say the least. Definitely not a turn on. Not when having to deal with babies etc etc

When it comes to DTD it is lovely to have a partner who is prepared to spend some time just leading up to the event. It should be a mutual pleasure, a build up.
Being under pressure all day (and often all night) it isnt realistic to expect someone who is stressed and exhausted to be up for sex without some nice encouragement, surely?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:34:18

OP, by "sex" you mean "penetration" don't you ?

it's a very old fashioned idea that the two terms are interchangeable, and certainly a very male-focussed one

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:36:24

We do lots of cuddling etc throughout the day/eve, but when we get to bed, unless I have sex pretty much straightaway, he'll stop playing with my boobs and fall asleep. Not a great feeling.

I don't think he's a porn addict or anything like that. He say he no longer googles pictures etc and is very open with his phone, laptop etc.

I don't want to play games with him, but sometimes we all need to be kept on our toes.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:37:58

Don't play games, tell him straight

"oi, mate, less of the wham, bam stuff and more foreplay, you are getting boring and putting me off wanting sex with you"

you can talk to him about this, yes ?

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:40:53

Yes af by sex I mean penetration.

I need to feel sexy and have him say nice things. I want him to think that sex with me is worth making the effort for. He's not always like this, but its a pattern I've started to notice.

Cinacina Sun 23-Jun-13 22:45:22

I've spoken to him and he knows. He got defensive, but did agree.

I feel we need to reprogram ourselves a bit. I'm feeling crap and very housewifey at the moment (I like being at home though), but him looking at images online and then not 'chasing' me has changed the dynamic a little.

How do you make a man want to have sex with you and make the effort?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:46:16

So, a few gropes throughout the day and then you are supposed to be in the mood enough and wet enough for him to penetrate you straight away ?

and if you are not, he loses interest and rolls over without putting any effort in ?

not a thoughtful lover, quite the opposite

I would say he was shit at it

AnyFucker Sun 23-Jun-13 22:49:03

look, love

you can't reprogram him like some kind of robot

what you do is you look at it from your own POV

don't settle for shit sex and poor effort from him

do you think he is on some online support group looking for ideas to make you more interested in him ?

answer: is he fuck (instead he is entertaining himself with online porn)

ecclesvet Sun 23-Jun-13 23:20:05

Do you ever initiate, OP? Or urge him to carry on when he stops?

Is he doing his share of domestic work and childcare? Are you getting some leisure time to do things that you enjoy, and which are purely for your benefit? You are on maternity leave so you have a newborn baby: that's a time when you need, now and again, to do stuff that reminds you you are a person and not just a mum.

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 08:05:49

He does help with chores etc and childcare. Works hard, but is tired having to help at home and go to work.

I do have some time to myself, but not that much. Although I always look nice when we go out, when dh comes in from work, I am frazzled after a long day, I'm in practical 'mom' clothes, which normally have baby dribble, food etc on them and I certainly don't look my hottest! I dont lack confidence, but dh isn't making me feel great and I'm starting to push him away when he tries to cuddle me. Childish I know, but I feel as though why should I meet your needs and be affectionate when you can't be bothered with making the effort with me.

SilverViking Mon 24-Jun-13 09:08:13

Be careful of how you play this. Keep the communication open....both verbal and non verbal! Don't play games about getting him to 'chase' you more, it will come across as you rejecting him and lead to much greater problems. Instead, respond to the advances, and lead him on what you want. It will be an interesting dynamic. Don't dwell on competing with ladies in the pictures.. There is a big gap between fantasy and reality.
Both of you need to work on bringing the relationship closer... so it is fulfilling, rewarding and precious for you both.

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 09:23:16

I do respond when he advances on me, he knows that I'm enjoying it smile, but then if I don't reach for his willy or let him have sex, he just gives up and falls asleep. I do touch him back, but he wants to move too quickly.

He says he fancies me etc and doesn't care for other women, but his actions don't seem to match up. I have tried hard since dc3, I'm on the pill so no worries re pregnancy. I've got back into shape quickly. I still get make attention (if I make the effort and look nice!), but dh doesn't make me feel great and he is the only man I want.

You think playing hard to get is wrong? I don't want to feel taken for granted. I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship.

ecclesvet Mon 24-Jun-13 09:29:44

"I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship."

Have you applied this advice to yourself? How long do you think you can keep pushing DH away until he considers other options, which it sounds like he has started with the internet porn.

I still don't understand why he stops if you let him know that you need longer foreplay. I mean, do you actually explicitly say to him "keep going" or whatever?

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 09:32:49

I don't push him away, but just lately I feel as though I don't want him to cuddle me etc, if he is going to show all the signs and then just fall asleep. It's demoralising and in one way is turning me off him.

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 09:37:15

I've got 3dc including a baby. Family life and baby care can be relentless. I need my dh to make me feel as though I'm not now just a mother, cleaner, and sex provider. I still need the effort to be made for him to desire me enough to get me in the mood. Surely I'm not expecting too much?

If he can perv at women on line (although this has stopped), why can't he perv on me smile

HoneyandRum Mon 24-Jun-13 09:41:05

Sounds like you are both in a rut. Can you go out more, as a couple?

SilverViking Mon 24-Jun-13 09:49:11

I can see your difficulty re no fore play, and that you have explained this to him. I can only suggest reinforcing it in a loving way, and keep explaining what and why you want to do it differently. it is too early to know if he wants to change. Even if he does want to change, it may take a bit of time. If he doesn't wasn't to change, then that is something different.

I do think continually playing hard to get can backfire big time in a long term relationship - but also believe at times building a bit of sexual tension can be healthy!

 I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship.
Not exactly sure you mean by this, but again I would urge caution around any"assumed" messages. Keep the communications clear and open.

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 10:02:22

I think what I mean Viking, is just because a couple are married, with children and commitments, doesn't mean that no effort has to be made. Yes it's much harder to leave a relationship, if you have all those things, but ultimately both partners have options and don't have to stay in the relationship.

It's about not being taken for granted. Even if you're married, you're not 'caught', effort should be made. I know that my dh is a catch, he is attractive, successful and generous, and a great dad. The fact that other women may feel the same, kind if keeps me on my toes in a healthy way.

ecclesvet Mon 24-Jun-13 10:35:23

I think the attitude you have of DH needing to put in the effort to 'get' sex, or 'letting him' have sex, is going to cause problems down the line, or possibly is already causing these problems.

I'll ask again, do you ever initiate or urge him to keep going before he stops?

AnyFucker Mon 24-Jun-13 10:37:03

I don't think OP is really listening, tbh

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 10:41:32

Sorry yes I do, I def give him signals that I'm enjoying it and I definitely initiate it with him. But either approach, unless I go straight for his willy and have sex immediately, he just seems to stop. It's very frustrating, I want to have sex, I encourage him, but be just seems too tired to be bothered and make the effort to get me going. It's either nipple tweak and sex or nothing.

Cinacina Mon 24-Jun-13 10:44:36

Maybe it's become the norm that we just do sexual stuff straight away and now I've realised it's not that great for me. I've been so keen in keeping him interested, particularly after having a baby and catching him online looking at women, that I've neglected my own needs.

Suppose I'm now changing the goalposts and he's confused it can't be bothered!

ecclesvet Mon 24-Jun-13 10:46:45

OK, so he won't have sex with you how you want, and you won't have sex with him how he wants. What compromises can you think of? Weekends are for full seduction, your-way sessions, weeknights are for straight-to-it, his-way sessions?

HansieMom Mon 24-Jun-13 14:43:25

One poster mentioned ferry sex, roll on and roll off. Entitled, non caring, non thinking sex, in my opinion. It is all for him, nothing in it for you.

EdvardMonsterMunch Mon 24-Jun-13 20:06:23

Were you desparate to conceive last time?
I know that with DS2 we were desparate and sex became functional.
It took a while for DH to understand that sex for pure procriation and sex for pleasure were two different things ( his orgasm was essential for procreation!!)

EdvardMonsterMunch Mon 24-Jun-13 20:07:22

blush

SnookyPooky Mon 24-Jun-13 20:33:29

Cinacina has he always been this way or is it a fairly new thing?

Gerty1002 Mon 24-Jun-13 20:48:42

I think it sounds like you are both just stuck in a rut, probably both feeling a bit like the other isn't interested.

Is there any possibility of a night away somewhere without the children? It needn't be fancy or far away, just a night for you to dress up and go out to dinner, chat about things outside of family life and some flirting. Or do something you enjoyed doing together before the DC arrived. Make time for each other that isn't just about sex.

Or another option is to surprise him at home with a child-free night and some romance. I don't think it should always fall on the woman to do this sort of thing by any means, but someone has to make the first move and at least you'll know you've tried smile

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