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Who's going to start dating thread No57?

(1000 Posts)
akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:16:20

Or am I going to be 'one' <smirks at irony>

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:17:11

Just when I am feeling that OD low……tell me it isn't over!!!!!!!!!!

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 20:18:24

Haha go for it Wisey, I'm on phone so copying amd pasting is 'mare...

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:20:54

So - everyone else in the whole wide world is out on a date except moi.

That's fine. I'm just sitting in my house, having stripped 50shadesofshitepaint from the top layer on the skirting board.

No, that's fine <pours another glass of paint stripper wine.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:22:59

i can beat you for SADNESS.

I am stalking pictures of an "on-off guy I date" and wondering if facially i resemble his ex (and in turn, if we both resemble his MOTHER confused).

Its hard to tell.

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 20:23:06

<dances around with wisey holding a bag of chips>.

I'm spending my Saturday night catching up on TV watching 'dates' & 'first dates'

Emailed nameless stating I was updating my holiday iPod and remembered when I'd asked him to fill my memory stick hmm shock with some songs, then sat cross-legged in the middle of my kitchen table listening to his favourite songs and smiling that I'd met someone lovely. smile with the passage of a few hours, I've decided the OKC stuff is incidental. All shall be well and all shall be well. all manner of things shall be well. (Can we add that as point 6 in the rules?!)

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 20:24:01

Oh! Wher are the rules?!

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:26:46

snape I think it's ESSENTIAL we add this to the rules.

I am a bit pissed probably though.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:27:11

I lost the rules!!!!!!

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:27:41

Somebody find the rules please.

rainbowfeet Sat 22-Jun-13 20:27:50

I can't even get a date!!! confused

How do you meet a man when your a SAHM & don't even go out with girlfriends!!

Highlight of my sad week is a trip to the supermarket!! confused

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:29:18

Internet dating

-- street corners--

meetup

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 20:29:46

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. If it is not fun, stop;
6. All shall be well and all shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.

(Took the liberty of adding #6)

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:30:19

lurkinglorna you both probably do. sorry. have one of snapespeares chips.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:32:03

I'm not offended. Just interested hmm

I am short and dark eyes short dark hair and quite angular face. So is his ex. And his sister. I haven't found a pic of his mum yet.

chips chips chips. i am eating sultanas.

lubeybooby Sat 22-Jun-13 20:33:13

<pokes head in through the catflap>

hello grin

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:33:30

HELLO grin

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:35:09

I am eating grapes in a manner of speaking..

lurking shall we take bets?

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 20:36:53

I am drinking grapes. wink

Scrazy Sat 22-Jun-13 20:37:49

Place marking, I'm home alone, having a quiet night as am off tomorrow for the night.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:37:54

I like rule number 6.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:38:13

I'm not sure his mums online. I'm not sure I can really call him up to ask if he's indulging an Oedipal complex on me, or if his mum is on Bebo or Facebook so I can look at her, we're a bit more casual than that.

I WANT SOME GRAPES. Grapes in jelly with vodka.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:39:49

snapes I have had many several grapes to drink.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:42:31

I think paint stripper is quite potent. Perhaps I should post on Dadsnet about this.

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 20:45:30

Rule 6 is the best and truest rule of all.

Drunk all the wine. Given dcs a lecture on why Too Much Alcohol is a Bad Thing. Started on the rum. Emailed Alpha.

Rainbow - babysitters. Local teenagers are the best and cheapest. They will sit in your house and FB their friends for a tenner instead of sitting across the road and FBing their friends from their bedrooms. Lots of nice men online to take you out. It can be done, honestly.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 20:47:04

I am watching Poirot. Have not been on a date for about 25 years. Really don't belong on this thread. Might like to start dating. Or rather occasionally think that maybe I should think about dating one day.

Djangounhinged Sat 22-Jun-13 20:50:16

Ooh there you are! Couldn't work out why my replies on thread 56 weren't appearing (I know, I know. I've had wine)

Lorna thanks for googling iPhone message blocking, hoping there's no repeat performance tonight or I may be tempted to reply, and not in a polite way confused

I definitely think that's a fitting rule 6, and one I need to remind myself of when I still can't get to the point where someone asks me out on a date grin

bigstrongmama Sat 22-Jun-13 20:50:28

Right, I've seen your dating threads before, hope you don't mind me butting in with a question re decorum. Unfortunately not on the grape juice yet, quite jealous!

Anyway, recently separated, it is permanent this time. Last time we separated ex wasted no time and signed up to internet dating in 5 days (after 14 years with me!) And actually had a gf when we got back together (I had no idea).

This time, I feel less heartbroken and more able to get on with things. So my question is, how soon after a breakup is reasonable to move on a bit and start dating? Not looking for anything serious, but would like to meet people and have some fun, flirt a bit...

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 20:52:51

I'm sober sad

Of course you belong here nfk , come in and have a laugh.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:52:55

nkf

ha ha well I'm on this thread, I'm not "activating" my OD profile at the moment...

I've collected few options (two on off who I have dated and very good chemistry but are working abroad, one who I was in two minds about who I texted goodbye to today, one I am e-mailing haven't met in person who sounds exciting).

No actual prospect of sex soon sad

But with work KILLER now, to meet new contacts seems a bit too full on. not enough money or energy for the "go out every other night meet someone new".

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:53:56

OWW yes it is.

When all the wine is drunk in my house I should:

1. go down the co-op and buy some more a packet of tea bags
2. go to bed.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:56:41

Django glad to hear you've had wine if nothin else. I've had nothin else too but I think I might be high on paint stripper which is no cheaper than wine by the way.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 20:58:17

bigstrongmama

I would say get your profile up straight away! no need to marry the first one you meet smile and i think dating you learn as you go, AND also there are lot of bad first dates or flase starts so the sooner you start the better.

Your ex is ex, that is the past, you should get out there even if its just to have a laugh and a few horror stories!

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 20:58:35

I am watching 'up' & I have wine this will not end well.

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 21:04:03

Ohhh CHIPS!

I am weighing up whether to go to the chippy on the corner or not as I look like shit run over thrice.

That being said, this street have seen me in various states inc staggering down the road with a plated up Sunday dinner in one hand and the dog in his travel box in the other (after making the taxi driver reverse up and down the street as I was so pissed I couldn't remember where I lived). Also, on a separate occasion, running down the street shouting after said dog in my bare feet after the little sod made the great escape out the front door, shouting like a fishwife.

Me with shit hair trotting to the chippy prob won't raise any eyebrows grin

Stone cold sober here too. Hmmmm.

Flipper924 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:04:59

Mama, whenever you're ready. For some people this is a matter of days or weeks, for others it's years.

I have also had grapes. Fizzy grapes. Eldest stepdaughter came for lunch and as she was driving, I had to drink most of the bottle myself.

I'm in an excellent mood, but a little bit miffed that I have no one to go out with this evening, when I really fancy an impromptu night out. My only local single friend is busy, and even Mr 3DD appears to be entertaining, so I'm stuck in. I've got to the point where I'm actually happy with life as it is, except for the fact that I have no one to play with!

stopusingmynicknames Sat 22-Jun-13 21:05:07

<swings by with a mug of decaff coffee>
I have a first date tomorrow evening with an OD guy. Am trying not to invest too much emotionally (as per 'The Rules'). he does seem very nice though. We're going for a drink - is it ok to wear jeans on a first date???

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 21:05:30

bigstrongmama get out there and just do it. Honestly, with all its surprises, shocks, successes and failures you will grow from it. smile

brokenhearted55 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:08:20

Following on from the questions asked in last date thread.

My ex wasn't a LTM. I've never been married. It a relationship just shy of one shy so not long. But it was the best relationship I've ever had.

He had a major bereavement to deal with and it changed him. They were sick for a few months before they died so he was worried about it. He was quite withdrawn when they died. He said he just didn't love me anymore sad

I still have fantasies that when he gets over everything he'll miss me and come back.

I so want to.contact him.

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 21:08:35

winefiend was it the dog who shouts like a fishwife or you? This could be crucial for the 2014 Britains got fuck-all talent comp.

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 21:08:51

stop wear whatever you feel comfortable in love. I always wear jeans and chuck some heels on!

Flipper924 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:09:17

Wine, my street have also seen me chasing after dog in bare feet and pyjama bottoms. Not to mention the time he wriggled under the front gate and I had to forceably remove him (imagine scruffy orange westie-sized terrier) from the neck of grumpy neighbour's German shepherd. Dog loves German shepherds, he was playing.

brokenhearted55 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:11:29

Just shy of one year sorry.

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 21:12:29

broken that is horrendous sad it is so very tempting to contact them but you've got to remember that it will only set you back. Get pampering yourself and take it one wee bit at a time. It is hard though.

Wisey nah that was me doing the fishwife act but he does do a good line in dog chat when he gets excited so I was connsidering blowing Simon Cowell away with our double act next year. Or I could do some sort of dog/plate juggling act. Hrmmmmm. Something to consider.

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 21:14:53

Flipper aaaah dogs, marvellous creatures grin Mine is a westie and an absolute bellend at the best of times. Apparently this aft he attempted to fuck a whippet. My ex (he has weekend visitation rights grin) was absolutely mortified. He has nae baws and has never done it before. Weird.

(The dog, not ex

akaWisey Sat 22-Jun-13 21:16:30

brokenhearted. I can't ignore that yearning. Don't do it, don't contact him. If it was as you think he'll reach that conclusion himself.

In the meantime you just do what you need to get over it, who knows what's in the future?

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 21:17:03

Hello nkf - you belong on here as much as anyone. I think you'll know when you're ready, and often the deed follows very close behind the thought. Any advice or hand holding needed, or just for general meandering about dating, then this is the right place.

Flipper924 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:19:25

55, to echo what others have said before, have you still got healing to do? Getting back in the saddle can be a good way of getting over someone, but not every time. I'm sorry if the following sounds harsh, it is meant with the very best of intentions, but I'm a bit sceptical about the 'it was amazing right from the word go' type relationships. When the fireworks are over, quite often one party does realise that there isn't much underneath.

Stop, I go for jeans as they're usually flattering. I would do as Wine says though, and wear with heels. Don't forget to let us know how it goes!

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 21:21:48

Sorry last message took ages to post due to crappy Internet connection.

Nickname - tell us more about him then .., and wear whatever the hell you want. I tend to go for trousers and a nice top. No point starting off pretending to be something/someone you're not.

Snapespeare Sat 22-Jun-13 21:23:17

Everyone belongs here, whether they are just starting out, seasoned and a little cynical, ohdearGOD loved up, on the sofa of rest, lurking, waiting... We missed 'all welcome' in the thread title...ALL are welcome. smile do say hi. smile

Flipper924 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:25:28

Whoops, forgot to welcome nkf. I'm not actively dating at the moment, it's not a prerequisite of the thread.

Disclaimer: i'm not actively avoiding dating. I'd be there like a bloody shot if anyone decent actually asked me out.

Ikeameatballs Sat 22-Jun-13 21:27:13

I split up with ex-p of over 10 years and 2dc in Feb and I am starting to think about dating again but feel really strange about it all. Is OD the best way to start given I never seem to meet single straight men irl?

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:27:18

Thanks, guys. I feel very welcome and also like a complete fraud. My closest to dating has been occasionally looking on Guardian soulmates and a half completed profile on Parship.

brokenhearted55 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:28:12

Flipper I thought there was lots underneath and we loved each other.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but I'll never know if we still would have broken up but for the bereavement.

We were ok together until it happened. That's when he started going funny, the night they were taken to hospital. Then he had all the affairs to sort out etc.

Normality was suspended for us and we hadn't been together long enough maybe to start with.

It is so hard to hear I don't love you anymore.

TortillasAndChocolate Sat 22-Jun-13 21:30:51

Place marking. Going to grab a glass of wine and catch up.

Met up with ex friend of ex last night. Will explain and update properly once I've found out what's going on elsewhere.

So far I gather basically all shall be well. So I'm reassured. grin

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:34:37

Woohooo I've found some booze I'd forgotten about <does I have booze dance>

Broken how long ago was all this ? (And apologies if you've said before and I've missed it )

brokenhearted55 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:40:05

KinNora I haven't said it before. It was in December / January.

Flipper924 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:41:37

Ooh, Nora, what have you found? Please tell me you're not raiding the cooking sherry...

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 21:43:45

Ooh nkf I think Parship might be a little bit odd as you can't see photos or anything til you pay ... Might be better options out there but it all depends on what you're looking for and whereabouts in the country you are. Looking and lurking is a good plan though to get you in the mood.

Ikea why not give od a try and see how you get on with it? The thought of it is probably more daunting than the reality!

Broken lovely you really don't seem in the right place for dating at the moment. Maybe leave it for a little while? But please feel free to keep posting on here whether you're dating or not.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:48:15

I'm a bit nervous about the idea of photos, so that doesn't worry me. I would hate to put a photo up. Soulmates I read for a laugh really. They all sound so soulful and earnest. I live in London and so the lists that come up usually feature photographers and poets and free spirits. Nothing wrong with any of those things, but it all sounds a bit odd on a profile.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:48:59

I bet it's not cooking sherry. It's some Croatian liqueur brought back from holiday.

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:49:34

You still sound terribly sad, petal. I'd love to be able to dispense wise words that will make it easier but I haven't managed to discover any that work, the trick is to be gentle with yourself and incrementally you will start to feel better - there will still be bad days but it will happen.
Everyone on here understands, you know.

brokenhearted55 Sat 22-Jun-13 21:50:13

I know western.

It isn't as if I have time to waste though at mid thirties sad

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:51:55

Pssshaww Flipper, way more classy than that - a small bottle of M&S Cava, tucked away in my suitcase.

(I am drinking it from the bottle though. In bed )

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:52:44

nfk Soulmates is Land of The Knobber.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:54:22

Thanks for the heads up!

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 21:55:03

I like your style Nora. I made an Irn Bru/tequila concoction at 2am (ish) this morn out of desperation. Sadly my hangover has led to me tanking the rest of the Irn Bru and I have just spent the last of the pennies in me purse on chips sad

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:56:46

Honest, Soulmates has just been dire, I thought it'd be right up my street, no one likes a pinko liberal, sensitive man than me (I have form) but it's been a parade of earnest, flaky twonks.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:57:03

I had a gin and tonic in bed last night. Really, I have no hope. My domestic habits have become so sluttish that no man would ever want to know. Thing is the idea of becoming a slightly dotty old lady who drinks a little too much sherry of an evening is very appealing.

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 21:57:55

Irn Bru is magic.

In desperation I once squeezed out Capri Sun pouches into vodka.

nkf Sat 22-Jun-13 21:58:20

Oh dear. Guitar players? 50 and not sure if they can commit? Permanently on courses?

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 22:00:55

Oh aye, I had a rash of artists too.

( Earlier I found myself checking the nudes that Software has put online in the last month, desperately hoping none of them looked like me)

Winefiend Sat 22-Jun-13 22:06:45

I am also becoming incredibly sluttish (sadly not in the preferred manner but that's what Lovehoney is for) since living here on me own. It is so so so enjoyable though. I love my ex to bits (in a platonic sense) but it is so good to be able to eat/watch/plod about doing my own thing without raised eyebrows/questions. Soooo good grin

Capri sun. Now there's an idea.

stopusingmynicknames Sat 22-Jun-13 22:14:07

well, wind, I am still fairly new to dating sites. Came out of a relationship 3 months ago and rashly got on a site last month. chap tomorrow is the first one. it all looks good regarding matching our profiles, but I'm worried that it'll all go wrong on the date!
gotta remember to just be me but then if I'm rejected it is ME he's rejecting! Argh! What's wrong with lounging on the sofa on my own for the rest of my life????

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 22:21:17

Sounds good Nickname. The way to look at it is, is he good enough for you, rather than the other way round. First first date is the worst one, it does get easier. I think if you go expecting a pleasant evening out and nothing more then it's a lovely surprise bonus if there is that old elusive spark, and not too much of a disappointment if there isn't. Will you do a loo update?

stopusingmynicknames Sat 22-Jun-13 22:28:50

ha ha! would love to, but can only access internet from my laptop! I know I will be on here before I go out though - panicking! I toy with the idea of just cancelling it, as I can't bear the thought of being rejected long term. it's just not like me - I'm pretty confident usually!
and I should NEVER have watched that first date rubbish on channel 4 this week!

bigstrongmama Sat 22-Jun-13 22:30:31

Right, have a profile on an online d site. Think I sound a bit scary though. But have described myself well! Really can't bring myself to put a photo on yet. Sure that means no one will contact me, but it is a start, hey?

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 22:35:54

That programme was terrible Nickname - I never look anything like that on a first date (or ever). And I usually have better conversations ...

I really think the thing about you being rejected is the wrong way to think about it. I know what you mean, but honestly the real problem is finding a man who's good enough/right for you. Most of the men I've met have been pleasant but it's just there is no real spark between us. That's so rare and it's not a matter of rejection, just people not being right for each other.

Hey hope you're doing okay today sweetheart.

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 22:39:33

Good luck Mama and yep it's a good start. See how you feel about putting a photo up in a while as I think it does help, or maybe have a private photo or one you can send if there's someone that interests you. There are ways round it.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 22:46:57

Oh dear sad man I have been e-mailing has not replied to my last one.

Had a gap of about a week as i was away and last nite sent him a cheerful "hey look at my holiday pics" one.

No stress as his job is quite travelly and we haven't met and it was more "sending proper e-mails" rather than using a chat program so no real hurry.

But it would have been nice to get on with contact again and I guess he's the last appealing option for dating this summer.

Be cool me, be cool.

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 22:50:51

SITTING AND STARING AT MY EMPTY INBOX WILL NOT HELP.

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 23:00:23

Oh Lorna I hope he replies soon. He could well be away with work, or busy doing weekend things. Plenty of time to get some summer lovin' going - main problem will be finding the summer ...

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 23:04:26

Thanks OWW. I am waiting for big work chage to happen this summer, so feels like a man distraction would be nice - it is fine for me to be long term single but i want at least a romantic cuddle soon (and this man seemed good for a nice fling - seen a clip of him at work and physically is smile for me) .

i think i will have a bath....and remember Rule that it is BS until it isn't....grin

kittymchotpress Sat 22-Jun-13 23:05:39

l like rule number 6...and kind of sorts my query from hours ago...<doffs cap to all sage ones, OWW, snapespeare, lurking, stranger, et al>. No drink here, gah...not even any magic bru. I took 18 months to get even anywhere near this alien land of dating. and now I think I'm the one with the ishoos as my inner fuckwit takes over the minute I think I like someone...and that's meant to be the, er, fun bit. Aaaaaggggghhhhhh. how do you train yourself to realise it's not that important, whatever way it pans out? grin

lurkinglorna Sat 22-Jun-13 23:10:20

well it IS important or if you just felt nothing or weren't uncertain

(1) you wouldn't be human

(2) it might mean you were taking the "safe option" and going for man who you didn't actually fancy just as he was "low risk". Like we all have Mr I Don't Really Care About Who Will Never Leave Me in our lives, but we want to go for men more in our league.

But its not "that" important that you need to be unhappy because of it.

i am philospher tonight! confused

kittymchotpress Sat 22-Jun-13 23:15:17

philosophise away, it's good grin . aye ok it is important...and I can't date someone unless I genuinely like them...I think I just can't handle feeling vulnerable, but I spose no one likes that. onwards....

Kirstywirsty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:18:17

Marking my place .. I have a RL date on Monday with a friend of a colleague .. Seemed lovely when I met him

OhWesternWind Sat 22-Jun-13 23:19:55

It's just time that does it, Kitty, and natural cynicism. I was so naive when I started dating and I honestly believed I would meet The One within a couple of weeks, if not actually on my first date. Sadly that didn't happen (no shit, Sherlock) but it will do some day and in between I'm having some nice nights out and know a heck of a lot more about bitumen, biscuit production and optometry than I did before.

Must admit though that despite myself I am getting a bit excited about next week's dates. Am not as jaded as I think I am, maybe.

Rule 6 is my favourite quote of all time. It has brought me comfort for many years through all sorts of shite and I'm glad it helps other people too.

He sounds great Lorna and so does the change at work. Exciting times. And yes, a bath always helps ...

KinNora Sat 22-Jun-13 23:27:43

Yes, agree completely with OWW Rule No. 6 is the life raft to cling onto - so much so that I bought myself a necklace and had ' all will be well' engraved on the back, that way if I start feeling overtaken by hopelessness then I turn my pendant over and remind myself that things will get better.

Also the necklace is from a jeweller called 'The Hairy Growler' which never fails to amuse me.

kittymchotpress Sat 22-Jun-13 23:29:14

thanks OWW...on reflection my skin is much more rhino esque than a year ago. Maybe eternal optimism isn't such a bad mind state, despite the obvious pitfalls grin . Hope alpha man turns up trumps. and kirsty a RL date? V exciting <not jealous at all emoticon>

Pissed. Wheeeeeeee. We're all going to heaven lads........

nkf Sun 23-Jun-13 08:55:06

I don't think I can do this dating stuff. Reading this thread makes it sound so scary.

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 09:01:34

Morning all.
nkf it doesn't have to be scary. There can be the butterflies in stomach, nervousness, let-downs and disappointment, but also excitement, laughter, kissing, sex and that feeling of walking on air when you've just met someone amazing.

Like anything worth having, there is risk.

If you're not ready to date, don't do it. And if its not fun, stop. But it can be lots and lots of fun. More so when there's a bunch of random Internet strangers to support you in meeting other random Internet strangers.

StrictlySalsaDancingDiva Sun 23-Jun-13 09:33:55

<delurks>

Just had to say thank you Bant for yesterday's Tim Minchin link! I love a bit of Tim! grin

<relurks>

T2710 Sun 23-Jun-13 09:39:51

Morning all. Haven't had a chance to catch up with the thread yet. Hope everyone had a good Saturday evening.

Date last night was a good one. Was out rather a long time for a first date and he seemed to tick off quite a bit on the old checklist. He straight up asked about second date, so I think he liked me, but will wait for it to be raised again.
My coffee date for today has been postponed, by him. I think we're seeing each other thurs evening. I think he could have potential too.
Mac is still on the scene too. I need to man up and say something but when I'm with him I do really enjoy his company.

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 09:55:48

woop Woop he e-mailed!

just a short "i am making contact to let you know i am busy working X location but will contact you when I am at Y" one so I replied a short one line back - but:

1. has not gone off dating someone else -which is fine and of course his right in priniciple as we haven't met but i do like the look of him angry

2. has shown he is dependeble and organised with contact - which is important to me, i am not that patient when dealin with men who need chasing up and reminding!

smile

kittymchotpress Sun 23-Jun-13 10:11:13

@nkf...I find dating scary, but that doesn't mean it is scary, hell, some people seem to positively enjoy it! I'm going to keep on with the aversion therapy. who knows even I might manage to lighten up a bit grin

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:28:10

Has anyone made themselves go on a second date just in case a spark comes later.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 10:33:59

Morning everyone,
Good news 'T' and 'Lorna' and yes I have, Broken, just in case nerves were getting in the way etc. I wouldn't give them a chance if they'd irritated me though.

Broken yes I've had second dates when there was no spark but everything else seemed to be in place. I've found I can warm to someone more on a second date but there has to be a hint of a spark to start with.

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 10:38:57

@brokenhearted

I am just saying my "personal opinion" on this....would be interested to see what other write.

I have been on second dates when I thought "well I should give them a second chance".

there is quite a bit of dating advice that says women should look for mr. "ok but not amazing" . especially if they are "good on paper in terms of qualifications and jobs"!

(my ex was a City guy, and i think "cultural expectation" said i had to treat him as a really good prospect even though he was a bit weird - good job aside he was a really embarassing, unattractive, awkward man. he remarried soon after our divorce and i am pretty sure the high six figure salary helped!).

It never really worked? I just ended up feeling a bit rubbish and the guy trying to touch me gave me the creeps!

Can you get back on internet dating and just build up some more contacts? I think it takes time to find good ones! How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Are you after marriage/kids at some point?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:40:08

Its the having other plans that bothered me. the constant watch checking. it was rude imo.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:42:45

Lorna I'm 35 so running out of time.

He said marriage isn't for him..all od his family are divorced

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 10:44:38

Message from Indie (remember him? Drumming bloke) on PoF seeing if I want a shag but put a bit better than that. Have had the same off Weekend Builder last week so that's 100% of the people I've been to bed with since LM. Is this common/normal behaviour? I'm not tempted but it does seem a bit odd seeing as I finished it with both of them.

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 10:51:36

ha ha OWW you are obviously irresistible in bed and on their minds! smile take it as a compliment, and leave it at that? smile

(i get a few dirty texts sometimes from someone who i had very good chemistry with - I think I might take him up on a night together if we are in the same city! obviously probably not so appealing from someone i don't fancy as much but just "meh" I suppose. )

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 11:00:27

I may need crash carping, I've found a recent photo of Talent Show online where he looks like he's not quite as skinny (I like a solid gentleman) and less like Johnny Ball on acid, and I think I'd like to have carnal knowledge of him.

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 11:04:17

OWW - just reply to Indie with this

broken - 35 isn't old, these days. I met my XW when she was 35, and we had two DC.
And as for the guy having other plans - would you prefer he'd kept his evening clear on the assumption you might end up in bed together?

Once you've been doing OD for a while, you learn not to expect too much from a first date - so having plans afterwards isn't really a bad thing. And at least it shows he has a social life. If he's not for you, that's fine - but him having plans after the date isn't really rude of him, I think.

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 11:11:41

Would love to think I'm an irresistible sex goddess Lorna but I think the reality is they're not getting it off anyone else so it's worth being a bit cheeky ... But if a man had finished with me, no way would I pop up a few weeks later asking him to scratch my itch. Odd.

Glad you got a response, and I like the way he's taken the time to explain the situation re being in communication.

I've been on second dates to give someone a chance (and on third, fourth and fifth dates - see Indie above). But I would never go out again with someone I'd found rude or irritating or arrogant etc.

Broken I am worried about you and I'm saying this out of concern and not to have a go. You've said a couple of times now that you're running out of time and I think if you go into OD with an agenda to try and meet and settle down with someone very quickly, you are going to be vulnerable to making bad choices and settling for someone who's not right with you. And I still think you are maybe not over your ex yet but you're pushing yourself to date before you're ready because you can hear that clock ticking. Really, a few months won't make any difference and you will find yourself in a much better frame of mind for dating (and therefore it will be easier to attract a better type of man) if you go through the grieving and recovery process first. Sending you a virtual hug.

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 11:13:16

Ha Bant that would keep him happy for hours ...

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 11:16:29

Thanks Western.

I never attract much attention dating anyway. I don't know why.

Bant it was the blatant watch checking that I found rude.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 11:21:01

Genuinely slightly hysterical Juliette - thank you

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 11:26:18

broken - if you found it rude then don't see him again. I agree that it's impolite to do that, and whilst having plans afterwards is, in my view, acceptable, it is rude to keep checking the time as if to say 'my other plans are more important than you'

If you don't like the way he combed his hair, the way he sneezed - anything - then it is okay to say no. I do think that people get too bogged down in details like that when it comes to rejecting people's profiles online (don't like the fact they're a plumber, or prefer blonds, whatever) but in person if the connection was there you probably wouldn't even care about sneezing or hair or watch-checking. Obviously it didn't work for you so just forget about it and move on. You can reject a person for whatever reason you want - if they're not right, they're not right. If you felt it was rude, then get rid.

As OWW says though, you don't seem like you're in a good place to be dating, you should maybe spend time becoming happier with yourself after your split rather than heading out all-guns-blazing to find someone new. If you haven't given yourself time to grieve your old relationship then you're more likely to make bad choices. No one wants you to get more hurt than you have been, and dating can be rough, so it's said with respect.

Broken there are lots of us on here 'on the sofa', not dating for a variety of reasons. These include concentrating on other things, just taking some time out, dating fatigue, reevaluating after a fling or not being ready.

Again, I'm not saying this to be critical but if you found this man rude, he was socially awkward yet kept trying to put his arm around you which you weren't comfortable with and felt you just had to sit it out for 3 hours then you may not ready for your relaunch yet. Taking time and staying around on the thread may be a good way to a more gentle introduction to OD, help you to find your dating feet courtesy of all our adventures and mishaps.

I get it because I felt the same way at 35, but 35 is so not old.

Broken, crossed posts with Bant

mercury7 Sun 23-Jun-13 11:45:06

yes I'm on the sofa, dont even really know why, I have periods where dating sites seem quite fun and I have the urge to find a lover, then suddenly I just cant stand them and it doesnt seem worth the hassle confused

Winefiend Sun 23-Jun-13 11:46:29

Aee broken, what these guys said. Also, you have loads of time (you're mid thirties aren't you?), a lot can change in a small space of time so don't sweat that one. A bit of time to recuperate is a Good Thing. I endedmy marriage well over a year ago, had a disasterous relationship with a friend for a few months, which ended in tears (mostly mine) and accidentally jumped straight into something else 5 weeks later. Lovely lad but he had ishoos and I tolerated a fair amount of pish. Jumped straight into other stuff after that and ended up seeing a lad who had more ishoos than I have ever seen in my life and is probably into trannies and the whole thing absolutely drained me. Am now on a self imposed break and it is wonderful. I now know that I won't tolerate pish ever again and am aware of the own warning signs in my own behaviour that I'm doing so (ie 'oh he's doing this bc he is down/busy/fucked up, will give him leeway').

I'm not far behind you (31), but I've never felt stronger or better about myself than I have in this last month. Big hug x 100.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:11:10

31 is far behind me.

What does pish mean?

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 13:23:14

'pish' is Scots for 'rubbish' Broken .

Mid-thirties isn't bad, my sister got married at 36 and had her first child two years later.

ALittleStranger Sun 23-Jun-13 13:45:44

Broken I understand where you're coming from and when you're panicking it's hard to listen to rational advice, but the MN boards are absolutely full of people who met their DPs after 35 and went on to have children. If you rush into something it's not going to work anyway and you're just going to make yourself unhappy. I seriously think that if you got to the point where children were essential now doing it alone would be better than trying to force a relationship which will probably leave you a single parent anyway. I do think you'll find you get less panicky, but like everyone has said you need to give yourself time to heal and grief. When I first split from my ex I was absolutely blind sided by the panic I had about my biological clock (and I'm young enough for that to truly ridiculous!), but it does ease off.

I love rule number 6. I'm not normally one for empowering slogans, but I have turned to it a lot since Snape first posted it.

My rule number 7 would also be only do OD if you actually like dating. You can't just see it as the means to a longterm relationship as you will be disappointed. You have to enjoy getting out and having random evenings with people you don't start imagining marriage and babies with. It's been one of my big discoveries that I do like this and I think it's made me far more confident.

BillMasen Sun 23-Jun-13 14:18:08

Well the Italian cancelled our lunch meet so that's another one done with.

Nothing else lined up at the moment, which is probably good as I am busy at the moment. Holiday with kids next week and moving house the week after.

Hi to all, and the new faces too

akaWisey Sun 23-Jun-13 14:22:13

Second date with GG will be horse riding. My choice.

I have a hangover today. blush.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 14:27:34

Hello Bill as for the Italian - whateva, you deserve better.

Wisey - crisps and lemonade and paracetemol you'll be right as rain in no time.

48howdidthathappen Sun 23-Jun-13 14:49:48

Hi. Place marking.

I am recovering from my night of Rock and Roll wink

SmallChanges Sun 23-Jun-13 15:03:27

Hey thread 57!

On sofa. Mainly.

<waves>

Enters the shadows...

Hi thread,

Bant are you about? Would like your peacockesque views on some pics I am thinking of putting on my profile (which is def in need of pimping).

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 15:38:22

Hi Hey - yep I'm around. Can't go out today, I'm sunburned from yesterday. Ow ow ow.

buzz me your username and site - I checked your old OKC one and it's not there anymore?

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 15:58:49

Can I join?

Been separated for a year, divorce proceedings underway. Have 3 young dcs.

So ... I met a man a couple of weeks ago, also going through divorce with 2 young dcs. There was definite chemistry from my end but I was unsure what his feelings were as we met at mutual friends and there was a lot of general talking, playing with dcs etc.

Since then he has asked me to three things with the kids (I went to two and couldn't make the third) and suggested we also hang out next weekend with the kids. So far so good.

BUT .. we haven't actually properly spoken! Everything so far has been with lots of other people around. Would have been just us and our dcs today I think but I couldn't make it. I did send him a message after first thing saying if you ever want to hang out, I'm here etc. - in a very non-committal way, to test the waters. Which he seems to have responded well to.. inviting me out every few days, but what is going on?? Why doesn't he want to see me without our dcs around?

I'm thinking the following. Either
a- he just wants to be friends and have another single parent to hang out with with the dcs
b- he's not sure, so he's testing the waters in a friendly way
c- he likes me but is too nervous to put himself on the line initially
d- he doesn't want to get into another relationship while we are still both technically married to other people
e- he has serious issues!!

Any ideas? I think there is definite potential here (we have lots of mutual friends, I am attracted to him, he seems nice etc.) but I can't really tell if we don't communicate. But I can't say this yet as he doesn't owe me anything and I don't want to look too forward..

Sorry - posting here as opposed to my own thread as it is my first foray into dating post-separation and because I don;t want the whole world to read about it so obviously!

thanks grin

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 16:04:36

Also, if I keep seeing him with the dcs, won't they all start to become a bit attached to him (he is great with them) before we've even had a chance to see if there is anything real between us? My kids already really like him, and that's after only meeting him three times.

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 16:28:40

There is a theory that people only make friends with people they are physically attracted to on some level.

I'm not sure if that's true but in my situation if there was another single parent who was single and I didn't find them at least a bit attractive, I probably wouldn't start inviting them to lots of things even with the DC around in case I sent the wrong message.

given that he's asked you to three things in two weeks (that's a lot of things) I'd say he's testing the waters but is somewhat nervous about taking it to the next level.

If you like him, and you feel chemistry, then ask if he wants to do something grown up. Say you hate going to the cinema alone or something, would he like to go for a drink and see Superman.

And I don't know how old the DC are but it's unlikely they'd get attached to him unless he's a constant presence in their lives. My kids love their auntie but if they never saw her again it wouldn't occur to them to wonder what happened to her. And they change friends relatively regularly too, so it really shouldn't be too much of an issue if things don't work out as long as you don't move in together after a couple of weeks or something.

Wisey is GG Gambling Gary or the other one?

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 16:49:45

Oh good Bant, that's what I was thinking but I didn't know if I could allow myself to think that iyswim.. Good because I really like him smile

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 16:51:47

Isn't it a bit forward for me to suggest doing something 'adult' before he does?

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 16:53:19

You're not suggesting whipped cream and latex, tired - just the cinema and a swift drink before it. He's asked you to things three times, it's not like you're pouncing catlike on the milkman.

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 17:19:31

grin ok thanks, maybe I will!

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 17:24:37

what bant said....its just a "friendly invitation". just phrase it so it sounds casual and you can then "scope things out" when you're 1-1 without kids. watch to see if he extends the night or suggests further 1-1 stuff? smile

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 17:29:18

Well I have joined some Meetup groups to see what happens! Not really going to walk round asking people to go on a date with me, but just curious and open and of course just activities I like that are mixed...

Checked my hot Scandivanan dates work schedule and I won't be getting an E-MAIL from him until early July so I'm bringing more interest in.

tired do take along a can of whipped cream just in case though grin

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 17:35:17

But I like him so don't want to mess it up or put him off because it isn't the way he wanted to play things. I don't know why he didn't take me up on it the first time (ie he said something like, yes, we should meet up' - but when he did invite me it was with the kids and with other people ..!

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 17:38:10

grin thanks juliette, maybe I should! grin. Yes wrong use of 'adult'. Ach you can tell I'm new at this. What a minefield.

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 17:39:31

I can't think of how to make it sound casual at this point either. I think maybe it's clear we are interested in each other. Maybe.. I don't know!!

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 17:44:26

I reckon there are two options

1. he doesn't fancy you

2. he does fnacy you.

If (1) not much you can do to force the issue.

If (2), then you want to give him a chance to show it.

I don't really believe that playing hard to get makes him want you? if you like someone, give them an opportunity to reciprocate (and a chance to back out easy without if they don't want to pursue).

as long as your "introduction and invite" and behaviour is not too anxious or aggressive or desperate - and you don't sound like any of these at ALL smile - then it is fine? You can just be friends if things don't progress.

Phrase it like a "soft sell" not like a demand or an official DATE.

"oh, you know i happened to get a 2 for 1 voucher for X restaurant/the cinema? do let me know if you want to come for brat free night!"

Then he can say yes or no easily without anyone losing face.

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 17:47:07

Oh Lorna yes, you need a few other possibilities there, however hot and Scandinavian he is!

Tired - reading your last post, why are you thinking that how he might want to play it is more important than how you want to play it? I know you like him, but it's hugely important that you do what you want in terms of how this, or any other, relationship pans out. Obviously I'm not talking about should we have Indian or Chinese, should we go for drinks or to the pictures type give-and-take stuff, but if you are already worrying about messing up because you suggest an evening out, that's not a good sign really. Your needs are not subservient to his. His idea of what should happen next is not more important than yours.

I've had to fight against this myself - years of conditioning from my ex about him being more important than me us damn hard to overcome sometimes, but I am getting there! Did you have something similar in your marriage at all?

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 17:53:43

ha ha OWW yes I keep looking at the clip of him at work and thinking "ahhhhh just my type" grin

I am at risk of ONEITIS = http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/oneitis

I think online dating gets the "not throwing up new possibilities" stage for me after a month or so in my age group, and depressing seeing same old faces! So meetup is compromise!

keepcalmandkickon Sun 23-Jun-13 19:37:11

Eekkkk - got first real life meeting with someone I have been chatting to online in 54 mins! (currently sitting in towel and dressing gown)......am nervous which really isn't like me.....send me positive vibes please!

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 19:39:13

Woo.. You're gorgeous ... Woo .. You're funny and interesting ... Woo ... He'd be lucky to have you.

There. You've been wooed.

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 19:39:59

Don't forget loo update and tell us about him

keepcalmandkickon Sun 23-Jun-13 19:48:21

ok just had message that he is going to be 15-20min late which is good as gives me a bit more time to get there without looking all flustered! Thanks everyone, will def update!

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 19:53:03

Go knock his socks off Keep

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 20:00:33

bonne chance! smile

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:42:09

I just texted my ex.

Shit Shit Shit.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:43:39

Lorna I just googled oneitis I definitely have it too.

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 20:49:22

oh brokenhearted bless you smile

are you back online yet?

superdooperpenguin Sun 23-Jun-13 20:51:51

Broken - Almost every time I get drunk I text ex! Don't feel bad, just resolve not to do it again!

I had third date with gorgeous man last night, he stayed over and I did the deed - eeek! Trouble is it's made me a bit crazy, can't stop thinking about him now! He's been texting me today but I know realistically this won't work long term - he is 40, no kids and never wants them. I am 31 and have 2 little DCs under 8. It's only going to end in tears (mine!)

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:54:04

Im not drunk. I'm of sound mind sad

Silly mare I am.

Broken it's ok, just get it out on here and sit on the phone next time grin.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 20:58:58

Juliette this is my phone I'm posting on. sad

Broken it's ok, just sit on the phone next time grin.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:00:57

Superdooper you don't know that.
Maybe he doesn't want his own children.
How old are yours? Maybe he doesn't want to go through thru baby stage.

ah double post ffs!

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:03:20

Oh well we'll see if he replies.

I can't help wondering if he hadn't had the major family bereavement after an illness we Would've been ok. sad

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 21:15:51

Never mind Broken , it's just one of those things but like Juliette says, best to get it off your chest on here in future.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 21:17:25

And nooooo Superdooper just look at it as shagging him senseless enjoying yourself for a bit, insouciance is your friend.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:19:06

I don't feel bad about it.

We met on OD. I hope my ex if he's back on is finding its hard to meet someone new and what we had was rare indeed.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 21:19:34

Oh and while I'm at it - how you doin' Juliette ? ( SmallChange said that to me before and it keeps making me laugh, hence you copping for it now )

How long were you together brokenhearted? And How long ago did you break up? I'm sure you must have already said, but these threads move so fast.

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:28:34

Nearly a year. Broke up in early January.
Didn't love me anymore sad

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 21:29:54

Who else is out tonight? Where's the loo update???

Lots of nice texting from Alpha. It's good. Just chit chat but I like the fact that he's obviously thinking about me quite a bit. I must admit I am a bit excited about Wednesday. Hope we still like each other. It'll be almost a fortnight since our first date.

Have you seen him or been in contact since then? How was it left?

I'm good, how'er you doin' Kin? grin

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 21:42:37

OWW

well I'm on the Dating Subs Bench for the foreseeable, so putting together my "fantasy meet a hot Scandinavian " outfit in my head is about as exciting as it gets. 2 meetups next week but i'm mainly gonna go to enjoy the activity/sport as there don't seem to be "loads of men in my age group" attending.

Alpha sounds fantastic, what are the plans for Wednesday?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:45:28

It was finished with him laying the blaame at my feet when it wasn't. I got a bit frustrated and pushed him to spend more time.with me. I was hardly seeing him because of his issues. He said we grew apart. We did I saw it hapening but we couldn't be normal when dealing with a sick parent. I felt ignored but what did I expect.

He seemed very upset when he did it. I went nc in January and then sent him one text in May. He replied very nicely but non committal. Just texted him again an hour ago ......

I love him so much.

Kirstywirsty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:47:55

I am really quite nervous about my RL date tomorrow .. It just feels so different from the online dates I had .. Which is funny as I have already met him and he seems really nice!!

broken I just want to say again that I don't think you are in the right place yet for dating .. Be kind to yourself

OWW alpha sounds fab

Hi to everyone else

The death of a close relative can really take its toll on a relationship you know. It's nobody's fault sad

What did you say in the text?

And I agree with the others that say you're not really ready to date atm. You sound very vulnerable.

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 21:51:07

Well Stumped I had a date with him which went really well, but then he was away on business purportedly until today. I'm busy tomorrow, he's busy Tuesday (and so am I, meeting College Bloke) so we're going for a meal Wednesday.

Lorna this is the first time I've been excited about a second date in yonks. So don't want to get my hopes up, but I might be doing, just a very little bit.

You never know what might happen at the Meetup - just look at Moan!

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 21:52:42

Ooh Kirsty yes this man of yours sounds great. What's the plan for tomorrow?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:53:30

Proper he blamed it all on me when it wasn't.
I didn't say much in my text...just replied to his last one. Friendly.

I can't help but wonder if we saw each other again it would spark off again now he is doing better.

forcookssake Sun 23-Jun-13 21:53:36

Right then: just got a text update from Keepcalmandkickon and have been instructed to update you lovely folks. It's short and sweet... "fittttttt"
Sounds like he's easy on the eye! grin

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 21:55:16

Ha ha great stuff KickOn and Cook!

Kirstywirsty Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:39

OWW we are meeting in a really nice bar/restaurant which has a beer garden if it is nice .. He seems great .. Tall, blonde, early forties , fit ( but not do much that he doesn't drink (unlike rocky) ), bit of a joker but sent me a text quite quickly after I supplied my colleague with my number and hasn't bombarded me with texts but replied quickly today when I suggested the venue .. He has been separated for 3 years, has his own place , spends time with his teenaged daughters .. My colleague has known him since primary school

He just feels like more of a potential boyfriend than any of the online guys ( but then I specified I was looking for 'fun' only.. But after a few of them I feel I'd rather have something more)

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 22:12:13

He sounds fantastic Kirsty you lucky thing. I wish I got set up with men like that! And lovely that he might be potential bf material. Will have everything crossed for you.

Do you know that he is better though broken? You don't want to spend loads of time helping him get over it, especially if he blamed everything on you. What did he blame on you? confused

Ooh I remember him OWW! Exciting grin

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:31:55

I don't know if he's over it or ok.
We had a silly argument which I kinda started then it started then a tsunami. He came out with this stuff I said or did wrong but it was just general relationship issues. It was stuff that if he'd raised at the time and discussed it, it wouldn't have been an issue for us.

I think he projected all his Shit onto me. Losing someone close makes you question your place in the order of thing nd your own mortality. He projected that onto me and said he had no clue who i was. He projected and gaslit blaming it on me when it was his issues that caused it.

But I think he was depressed.

And what happens if he gets depressed again? He doesn't sound very nice tbh.

KinNora Sun 23-Jun-13 22:44:05

No, I agree with Stumped- 'he projected and gaslit blaming it on me when it was his issues that caused it', do you think that that's the kind of behaviour someone who's worthy of your love should be indulging in ?

Moanranger Sun 23-Jun-13 22:45:34

Lorna Meet Ups can be good for seeing who is out there in your area/age range.I prefer activity based. I myself started going about 3 wks after STBXH instigated a split & I had NO intention of looking for anyone when Mr Right presented himself. Still getting on like a house on fire - at the mo I am discovering how much he makes me laugh!
Broken I echo the other's concerns as you clearly are carrying the torch for your former P, but, on the other hand, there is the old adage " the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one..."

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 22:49:11

I've got a date!! Did what you said, asked him, in an open non-committal way.. Waited a few hours, and finally he wants to see me without the dcs!

Only problem now is that I have other non- romantic commitments this week, and .. What do I wear?? It's been about 12 years since I last went on a date.

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 22:57:51

i think it depends what you are doing?

he knows what you look like, so that's one thing you don't have to worry about! smile

I think somewhere in between "glam nice" and "normal" works? So go for something flattering that compliments your skin and figure, but not "made up to the nines in scary ten inch heels and the latest fashion". also you don't want to LOOK like "hey I'm gonna seduce you tonight", to keep the casual vibe.

It depends what "suits" you - I'm hourglass so look good in a dress and try that for most 1st dates, well fitting jeans tucked into boots and a plain top always go down well... I find men like the colour red. And comfortable shoes.

ps well done! thanks

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 22:59:03

speaking of clothes, I shall try and look very pretty for my meetup RUNNING group, but not sure how easy that will be though! confused

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 23:08:36

Proper he eventually accepted it was his issues and said I deserved better. I hope he's having a Shit time in dating. its not easy.

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 23:12:45

Thanks lurkinglorna. It's at quite a 'posh'/upmarket bar in town. Never been there before. Just started a thread in style and beauty for any more ideas! I really have no clue as its been such a long time and I was a student when dating my stbxh.

Tricky thing is that I'm currently a sahm. If I were going straight from work it would be sooo much easier. I don't want to look like I've made too much of an effort but also want to look amazing!

Maybe black shoe boots? With something??

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 23:19:49

Tired - don't worry about the clothes. Honestly, as long as you're not wearing something outlandish then he probably won't even notice. Go for something you feel good in and that's comfortable. It really doesn't matter.

And great stuff, sounds like real progress!

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 23:22:22

I'm going to have to refer you back to several of my previous posts on this.
Actually, no.
We generally don't care what you're wearing. If you turn up in a tracksuit then that's bad. A wedding dress, also bad.
Really, we don't notice so much. We're not wired to.
Trousers or jeans we probably couldn't tell if under torture

Just look comfortable for the setting, we'll go with it

Bant Sun 23-Jun-13 23:23:23

Ooh also avoid beige

lurkinglorna Sun 23-Jun-13 23:27:16

ha ha yeah I agree, don't think clothes make the difference in attraction.

I actually have started going no make up, which i love, and seem to get on fine! When i was in my insecure early twenties i was always "designer this, dyed hair, painted nails, heels" but i think most men didn't even notice or care!

i think if you fit someone's fundamental physical type for attraction, and they've mentally gone YES, then the packaging doesn't matter?

do like the "dressing up for a date" routine though i must say, changes the routine up a bit! smile

(admit I am a hypocrite as i sometimes judge a man on his clothes....shhhh!! grin)

tiredlateandup Sun 23-Jun-13 23:30:10

interesting Bant. I was just thinking yesterday how awful I look in beige. Good, glad that's confirmed. Didn't know it was universal!

Do you think he'd notice if I wore the same skirt as I wore previously with him in a totally different (and much much more informal) context? Obviously with a different top and shoes etc.

Thanks for the encouragement. This is great. I don't really want to tell anyone in 'rl' that I am thinking about 'dating' yet.

OhWesternWind Sun 23-Jun-13 23:36:30

He won't notice Tired unless its shocking pink or something. I wouldn't notice (and if I did I wouldn't care) if I saw a bloke in the same pair or trousers twice in a row.

When's the date?

brokenhearted55 Sun 23-Jun-13 23:41:25

Bant ....shy date hasn't texted me yet.....

T2710 Sun 23-Jun-13 23:43:16

Evening all.
Had a second date today with the guy from last night-madness. I've never had two dates do close together since ODing. Bowling and food, was very casual and fun. We're seeing each other again at the weekend I think. I quite fancy him. Not as much as hot guy (for done reason I have placed him on a pedestal and he's really not even that hot, I just find him incredibly attractive) but maybe that will change.

Tired I doubt very very much he would realise its the same skirt smile

keepcalmandkickon Mon 24-Jun-13 00:04:20

Right then, firstly he is fit, properly fit, nice big arms, gorgeous face, broad shoulders, seriously - really fit.

And then, we actually got on well all evening....lots of jokes, etc

Finished the night with a kiss on the cheek and him saying we should do it again, so am hoping fingers crossed that he liked me. Am going to text him now, just to say nice to meet you, let me know if you fancy meeting up again etc etc

Oh, and he likes iron maiden = score!

tiredlateandup Mon 24-Jun-13 00:09:43

Thanks OWW, and for your earlier comment about my needs not being subservient to his. Actually it was that that really prompted my message to him about seeing each other without the dc. And it worked!

Date - he said one evening this week -which I also see as good as I assume that means he hasn't got a load of other dates pencilled in. And/or gave me two times this week when we could meet up with dcs.
I really need to focus on some other things this week though and this will be quite distracting. Maybe I should make it Thurs?

BillMasen Mon 24-Jun-13 00:14:33

Before sunrise is on bbc1 now. My favourite film of all time!

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 06:45:50

Well, Wembley has reappeared.

GG has started the day by sending me suggestive texts about our horse riding date. I'm quite offended. He's been having thoughts about him meeting this sexy woman (me) in a dark alley, all smokey and dark and us kissing "will it ever happen?" and then "going river swimming after our early morning ride".

I want to tell him to fuck the fuck off and not because it's ridiculously early on a Monday morning either.

For an attractive, solvent, clever and independent woman - I'm attracting some pretty stupid men it seems.

FlorentinePogen Mon 24-Jun-13 07:08:54

GG has started the day by sending me suggestive texts about our horse riding date. I'm quite offended. He's been having thoughts about him meeting this sexy woman (me) in a dark alley, all smokey and dark and us kissing "will it ever happen?" and then "going river swimming after our early morning ride".

He obviously likes a good Mills & Boon bodice-ripper. smile

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 07:35:11

broken - shy date is the watch-checker? Do you want him to text you? It seemed like he'd annoyed you too much..

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 07:43:12

Dating summary from me, incidentally: I have no-one on the go at the moment. Couple of online email conversations happening, vague discussions about meeting with one when she's back in town. Promises of drinks with another who winked at me from N London accidentally when she was checking out the talent in Budapest - as she's relocating here soon.

A few winks from women I don't fancy the pictures of, or who say they speek vairy leetle eenglish (I kid you not) in their profile..

One OD profile looks very nice, I'll see if I can get a date this week but she leaves it days between emails so I'm not holding my breath.

Met the Seduction Coach for beers last night. Actually a nice bloke. He was giving me tips and I was saying I don't really want them, thanks. I'd kind of rather muddle through by myself. He's writing a book on how to pull women from most European countries, each nationality is different..

I'm getting a free copy when it's done as I paid for the beers.

Interesting conversation though

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 07:53:08

Bloke perspective needed, please (though others are helpful too)- Mr 3DD has ignored my last text. I was bored on Saturday evening, and asked if he was free as I fancied a night out on the town/pull, and my usual wingman was busy. He's never ignored a text before. I'm worried that he thinks I'm coming on strong, when in fact I just wanted a drinking buddy.

Does that sound as if I was asking him out? The text was pretty much what I've put there.

I don't have many local single friends, so I don't want to stuff this up!

keep, sounds brilliant, really pleased for you.

Wisey, that made me feel a bit icky.

tired, he likes you, he likes you....grin

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 07:57:39

The seduction coach sounds like a creep, Bant, though I'll trust your judgement on him being a nice bloke. And if there's money to be made fom people's loneliness...

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 08:03:49

Flipper I'd have said much the same thing if I'd been bored, have done, in fact. So no, it doesn't sound like that to me if that's the usual tone of your relationship.

Maybe he was away? Or ill?

Have given more thought to mr mills and boon. I reckon it's more like he's been thinking of ways to get my keks off, or at least to get me as near nekkit as possible as soon as possible <shudder>.

I don't fancy him, if I did I'd be here all bouncy and excited like. So I need to bin.

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 08:12:26

Am thinking (again) that maybe I'm not cut out for OD.

99% of the messages and very few dates have been with blokes who I don't really have a physical attraction to and then the slightest idiosyncrasy that I don't like/get and I'm off. The only one I felt hugely attracted to was wannabe cocklodger and we lasted just over a year before I opened the bin and in he went.

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 08:22:38

Thanks, Wisey. I think the tone of our relationship is generally like that, though there's been a bit of banter from him about me fancying him, and from me about me being gorgeous, so equal on both sides, I'd say. His car was on the drive so he was in, he might have had visitors or have been entertaining a date, I guess, but not replying at all even the next day seems odd.

You're right, if you did fancy MrM&B that message would have been a lot less icky. Though it's a bit full on for a Monday morning!

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 08:27:31

I don't think that's unusual, Wisey. If you were to walk into a room full of 30 random, nice looking men, how many would you actually fancy? Quite often the answer will be none. I see OD as being very much like that. It's a way of meeting new people, who you may or may not want to see again. Of the ones you want to see again, they may or may not turn out to be someone you could 'date' in the romantic sense of the word. But if you don't go and meet any of them, you'll never know!

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 08:54:29

Morning all!

It is Monday and I have a horrible hangover sad

Fucking wine.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 09:47:45

Flipper - it doesn't sound like you were coming on strong. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

The seduction coach actually struck me as a creep when I first met him because of his job. But when he explained a bit more to me, and I got to know him a bit better he's just someone who understands women a bit better than most men - i.e. that you're not a different species and want to be amused, entertained but not leched at and generally have a sex drive similar to mens - not the old fashioned approach that a woman only gives sex as a reward and doesn't want it for itself. His approach is based on identifying women who seem single and as if they're open to talking, and then basically saying 'want to have sex?' after a few opening lines. It works a lot of the time.

He's confident and attractive and very honest about what he does, including to the women he's talking to. It's better than the gibbering fools who drunkenly plonk and stare, or try to cop a feel, or think plying women with champagne until they're too drunk to stand is a good way of getting them into bed.

While I don't want to do what he does, I don't think it's wrong or creepy. I just think it's not for me.

Kirstywirsty Mon 24-Jun-13 11:06:25

wine I hear you .. I had to finish the opened bottle of wine last night (3/4 of a bottle left) so I could start my detox/half marathon training today )

bant we all need to read this book!!

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 11:16:09

Ugh Kirsty badness. Unfortunately my self induced pain today was caused by a box of wine. I will never learn.

Wisey it's not you, it's OD at a certain age. Remember I am Ms forty(maybe even fifty) plus dates. I found a good proportion of the early ones irritating, smug, entitled, sexist and presumptious because they were. I've had some absolute shockers. To add insult to injury, I didn't even get a second date from any of these men who professionally, I wouldn't even have employed on a daily Agency contract.

Of the last 25 or so, most were perfectly pleasant but not for me. Apart from with three men in two years, there was as much spark as a Catherine Wheel nailed to jelly. I had a think about how I might come across on first dates and now always get a second date request. I don't do fantasy induced smut, any incessant texting irritates me and early Monday morning would put me into orbit.

and that was only after I had filtered out the rest...

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 11:54:26

generally have a sex drive similar to mens
I think thats too simplistic Bant, women (for reasons of nurture not nature) tend to use quite different strategies when it comes to sex and are much less open to sex on a casual basis, as well as choosier when it comes to who they will have sex with.

His approach probably works for him because he picks women for whom he is a good catch and doesn't try to 'punch above his weight'.

Alot of men in OD are laughably unrealistic about their pulling power!

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 11:55:20

Hm, that does sound better than I imagined, Bant, and if he's honest about it then fair dos. Sounds a bit like "I like the look of you, I might want to have sex with you." without thinking you have make promises of undying love or get someone pissed. I'm all for asking for what you want.

And thanks, I won't worry anymore.

Sympathy to Kirsty and Wine.

I do wonder, if it was entirely free of consequences, physical harm, cultural assumptions that the man might make and therefore I wouldn't get the sex wanted, whether more women would just shag that passing hot guy on site.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 12:04:50

Actually mercury, I've seen the women he's been successful with, and they are really very attractive. I mean, he's 34, they're early 20s, it's kind of sad really, but they're not the lonely-looking vulnerable girl in the corner. He knows what he's doing and he's good at it. And he doesn't do OD, only real life.

But he did say it's all got very empty recently - 4 or 5 different women a week for the last year has taken it's toll - I presume emotionally - so he wants to write his book and meet someone nice and settle down.

I kind of think he's screwed himself over on that one - I've seen it happen to other friends where it's become an addiction they can't stop - the thrill of the chase type thing..

Bant I wonder whether he would actually be able to attract and keep a very attractive woman in her 30's though. Once who is serious about having a life partner where he would have to offer something else after the initial chase. In my early twenties I was tripping over men and it was easy come easy go and I never took any of them too seriously.

MissFelicityLemon Mon 24-Jun-13 12:21:44

Juliette - 40 or 50 dates? Wow. I am stunned. I've been OD for two months and not had one. Was looking at POF as I found Match awful last year. I've had messages but almost all from scattershots (ie, they just mail all newbies with a "hi how are you?"). The few that appeared to be genuine were very far from my type.

I did a search with no parameters yesterday with the exception of age (I am 35 and would like a partner within 5 years either way) and distance (50 miles). Just to see what's out there before looking at the usual preferences. I am quite happy to message a guy first but there were probably only 10 I thought remotely attractive or cute (and I do not go after the unattainable, we're talking 'average' kinda guys).

Sheesh. May as well give up now!

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 12:34:41

Juliette - I dunno. As I said I think he may have screwed himself up a bit.

I was bored on my lunchbreak so given Juliette's summary I thought I'd work out how many OD dates I'd been on in the last 9 months or so, since I started doing it this time round.

And it's not as many as I thought. I've had 18 first dates, although that includes ShoeGirl who didn't show. 7 of those have gone to second dates, and two have gone to more than that (Buffy and the Artist)

There are only two which went to a second date which I wish had gone to more, that was the Amazing Vanishing Historian, who.. vanished, and Pixie, who couldn't ever get a sitter so it just tailed off.

And none where I asked for but didn't get a second date. I do kind of wish my one date with a pschologist hadn't been at a starbucks off the M25, the distance would have been a sod but there may have been chemistry if the place hadn't been so sterile.

So that's 18 first dates, 7 second dates, 2 short-term relationships.

Plenty of cases where I asked for, but didn't get, a first date of course.
I'm not sure what that says about me. I'm better in person than my profile?

MissFelicityLemon Mon 24-Jun-13 12:40:37

Bant - an average of 2 per month dates, then. And how many women did you message?

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 12:41:31

Oooh oooh breaking news.

I went to a pub quiz here last Thursday, and went on from there with a friend of mine (american girl) to a bar round the corner where I got chatting to a couple of local girls.

I admit I had had several beers, but I was very taken with the one I was chatting to. My wingman, the american, supported me admirably by talking to her friend.

Anyway, the two hungarishes decided to move on to another place after chatting to us for 2 hours and I called it a night because it was stupidly late - but I gave the Lawyer my card in the vain hope she might mail me.

She just did. Gave me her email address and phone number, and said if I'm planning on doing this barbecue I'd mentioned doing then 'they' would be happy to join (she said 'we' - her and her friend)

Now I hadn't expected to hear from her again, Hungarian women don't make the first move. Would it make sense for me to reply and say the BBQ isn't going to be for a few weeks but in the meantime would she like to go for a drink with me?

All she can say is 'ermm. no. you freak.' - right?

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 12:46:00

Felicity

13,412

MissFelicityLemon Mon 24-Jun-13 12:49:47

Is that all? smile

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 12:51:58

I'm about the same as you Bant - eighteen first dates once I've had the one tomorrow. So out of those I've had one go to a second date after which he disappeared, LM who I saw for seven months or so, Indie who I saw for five dates or so, the Weekend Builder who I saw for a couple of weeks and second date with Alpha this week. I've been aiming for around a date a week when I've been looking.

Have never asked someone for a second or third date (or a first date, come to that) . . . There were a couple early on that I would have liked to see again but didn't asked, but since I am the new improved post-LM don't-give-a-shit OWW I have been the one doing the turning away. Interesting, that. I hope that now I might like someone a bit this run of luck doesn't desert me.

All very quiet from College Bloke since Saturday which is unusual as he has been in contact once a day without fail. He has also been spotted online, which is also unusual . . . So I am not at all sure if we are on for tomorrow. Ho hum. Not really bothered that much

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 12:52:47

Bant yeah, go for it. grin

Flipper924 Mon 24-Jun-13 13:03:10

I agree with OWW. Do it, Bant.

Bant yes, of course

Felicity I've been doing it a long time. I was looking for someone I considered my equal intellectually, with a sense of humour who I could get along with who was close to my age and fun. That put my age was against me as these men thought they should be with 30 year olds. To have any chance I gave it a go with men who came across well in their profiles and by mail. I didn't pay too much attention to the bad pictures, as many men over a certain age don't seem to either photograph well or know which picture to choose. If they had a sense of humour, were interesting and only up to ten five years younger I would give it a go.

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 13:28:51

Yep Felicity I'd second what Juliette says about the photographs (looking for men in their mid 40s/early 50s). I can honestly say that virtually none of the men I've met have looked like their photos, a couple to the extent that I am convinced that the pictures were actually of a different person. There have been a couple of instances of old pictures, but mainly they just look different - predictably, and sadly, they often look worse, but I have had a couple of very pleasant surprises.

If they seem interesting and decent I will usually go along to meet them. It's a nice evening out even if nothing comes of it, and if you don't go you will never know.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 13:34:47

Does anyone know what the proportion is between men and women, and of various age ranges, on the OD websites?

MissFelicityLemon Mon 24-Jun-13 13:36:40

Have to say, none of this is 'selling' online dating to me very much!

Re: photos. I guess I just find guys without hair unattractive and that seems to be 85% of the population of guys in their 30s, if POF is to be believed!

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 13:49:24

right I've mailed her.

I'm right, that was an invitation for me to ask her out, right? She mailed me from her work address and gave me her gmail and phone number. She's interested in a date, not just coming with her friend to a barbecue

Please someone tell me I'm not reading too much into this?

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 13:51:46

I would say definitely not Bant.

Lets see if KFC has magical healing powers. I feel like shit run over twice. Must. Not. Drink. On. School. Nights. Ever. Again.

FlorentinePogen Mon 24-Jun-13 13:52:55

Please someone tell me I'm not reading too much into this?

As long as you're sure this person is 100% female, what's not to like ?

smile

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 13:55:45

Bant whassup? Why the confidence crisis? Get those tail feathers up, man.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 14:19:02

Flo - she looked female when I met her the other night. And Budapest isn't Bangkok.

OWW - not a crisis - but meeting someone in real life, realising they're very interesting and attractive and hoping they're into me is different to OD.

In OD I know I'm a (little) bit better than many of the guys you complain about, and I've come to not expect chemistry very often if I meet someone. When there is chemistry, it's suddenly more angst-inducing.
I don't know she's single.
I don't know she's looking to meet someone.
I presume she's not actually a man (thanks for that, Flo)

On a dating website I can assume the first two for women on there. With DoctorLovely (yes, vomit inducing I know but her surname sounds like it and she's a doctor) I can just hope so.

CheshireCat and the Translator I met in real life. One was just playing games I think, the other is still involved with the Dane who is seeing two other women (and is a student of the Seduction Coach)

Meeting interested, available, attractive, interesting women in real life is harder than OD. Generally I can pick two of the above.

Bant fish, right at you.

When I lived in Europia, men asked me out all the time. I mean ALL the time, some were nervous, some took their time, some came straight out with it. Sometimes I didn't know whether it was a date or not but it didn't matter,I thought nothing of it and just went with the flow. Women never asked men out in an obvious way. When I was in a relationship I was flattered, but politely declined most of the time. It didn't stop me chatting to them, meeting up general with or without other people. It was just how it was and I suspect it's like that now in Hungaria.

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 14:31:47

I don't think she'd have got in contact with you unless she was interested, Bant, and she was just testing the water with the group invitation thing so that she could back off with no loss of face in case you weren't interested. All sounds good here.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 14:35:06

"...
Yes, it is a good idea to have a normal drink sometimes, actually, at the moment I can not tell you which day would be proper for me, I am having an extremely busy week, but we will find out, ok?

Will contact you later on, in case we go out somewhere OR which evening can we two have a drink.
..."

smile

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 14:43:11

he's 34, they're early 20s
when you are early 20's a man of 34 seems like a sophisticated man of the world and is probably still physically in good shape.
His ability to pull younger women will diminish as he gets older and looses his looks and the women he is chasing are not as naive & easy to impress

Kirstywirsty Mon 24-Jun-13 14:44:29

I agree with OWW bant she is into you!!

I had my lunch date today .. He is still lovely, smiley , touched my arm a couple of times , chatty .. Not my usual type as quite slim ( but muscley) and blond with a blond beard .. Unfortunately he is off on holiday on Friday for two weeks so seeing him on 13th July before I go off on holiday .. He paid for lunch as he hoped it would make me feel obliged to see him again

Yay Bant you're on a promise grin

To clarify, my earlier post was she probably expects you to ask and you have nothing to loose

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 14:56:41

mercury - that's probably true, but from what I've seen he's not trying to impress them, apart from with the fact that he's confident. He doesn't buy them drinks, he doesn't say how fantastic they are and how lucky he is to be speaking to them - although he also doesn't do 'negging' - which is saying you have nice hair, shame about the shoes, or something like that, which is one approach apparently.

I don't understand why it works but he doesn't seem to be trying to impress them in the same way I see other guys trying to do - and usually failing.

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 15:02:18

Bant I guess he's just a successful predator...and the things that make it work are subtle and instinctual with him?

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 15:10:03

Ooh go Kirsty. A good date when hungover - impressive!

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 15:22:39

let's agree to disagree on that one mercury.

FlorentinePogen Mon 24-Jun-13 15:37:51

Bant, all sounds cool for the week ahead. smile

Sounds like your new pal is a Hai Karate user.

Anyhoo, just in case you get stuck for conversation with this lovely lassie, may I suggest you regale her with the history of a little known Italian song :-

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyXZFx98zyw

and how it became, via. Shirley Bassey :-

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WUZf6fRkrc

the sound of last year's Paralympics :-

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPHO5Brsd3E

wink

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 15:55:36

Alpha's just told me his surname so a spot of investigation is on the agenda for tonight. I'm going to do this in future whenver possible if I am interested in someone as I was absolutely horrified about what I found out about LM with the aid of a little Googling. Shocking and serious stuff. Fingers crossed there are no nasty surprises about Alpha, but I've had a quick look on LinkedIn and it all ties in with what he's told me, photo up too so I know it's him.

Any tips? I know a few of you do this but I am a bit of a novice.

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 16:01:58

I always google 'em OWW, what do you want to know ? (I love t'internet )

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 16:06:47

Just want to find out if there is anything nasty/untoward going on. Will PM you.

Yikes OWW, that must have been a bit scary re LM and the googling.

Bant, sounds promising with the real life emaily lady. You seem to do very well out of real life which is nice smile I thought your seduction friend sounded ok, in a kind of cutting through the bullshit way, but having just read that he's been with 4 - 5 women a week shock, and presuming you mean that he's actually sleeping with these women, I'm not so convinced. I suspect that he's not terribly good in bed and maybe doesn't actually enjoy sex as much as he's claiming to, if all he has is one nighters, and sounds like an addiction more than anything else.

Hi to everyone else, the thread is so busy I can't possibly name check so will just wave, and say it's great to see so many new faces.

Brokenhearted, just want to give you a hug as you sound so sad, and would echo what others have said re it not being a great idea to be dating until you are, well, no longer broken hearted? Please take care of yourself.

Well, developments here are that MrAttractive and I have had a major discussion, and decided to carry on in a FWB relationship. All our angsty niggle fall outs were due to the 'relationshippy' parts of our, well relationship, and all the awesome bits were in the bedroom and just hanging out. God I feel like a weight has lifted, all the angst has disappeared, am just going to enjoy it for what it is. Am back on POF which he is happy with, and have a date on Sunday! Can't say I'm terribly excited about the date, but don't want to cancel on him, and it will be nice just to get out and meet a new blerk. I've never had a FWB before, so any top tips would be appreciated, from anyone a bit more experienced!

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 16:21:14

OWW was LM into transexuals too? hmm

Here are my tip tips:

192.com - tells you co-occupants of where he lives. May take some google magic though (think full name plus city) as sometimes it takes you to a page that tells you fuck all (you can register for a few searches for nowt tho)

Facefriend (obvs)
Twitter
Google his pof username (this is how I found Oor Ken on tvchix, the bellend used the same username as pof. Worra fanny)
Newspaper websites (often have court reports and stuff)

I am no novice when it comes to this one (remember the one I discovered was a heroin addict and a dealer by googling and finding him on a drugs forum?).

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 16:28:48

A possible downside of dating a hungarian girl - I won't be able to read the sites that tell me she's actually going to cook me and eat me.

brokenhearted55 Mon 24-Jun-13 16:30:00

Decided to give watch checker another chance. he seemed really shy

Bant, just be ready to run when she starts sprinkling you with salt and pepper. Or is it paprika in Hungary?

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 16:32:29

broken - maybe he'll open up and give the chemistry a chance. Remember to go slow, take things at your own pace. If it's not fun, stop

Broken, what bant said

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 17:20:50

I'm so tempted to kick the arse of some muppet on MA who has just tried to obliquely accuse me of a lack of intellectual curiosity - I know it's not worth it but by god it's tempting.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 17:23:36

whats MA, Nora?

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 17:29:34

Match Affinity ( I'm the one person in the universe who's met some decent people on there )

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 17:38:21

oh, I never used it - I created a profile but it was so weird I decided to just stick with Match.

Still. We know you're curious. In a good way smile

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 17:41:50

shock I am outraged young man !

I met Showbiz, Talent Show and Software on there, amongst others, this berk thinks he's frickin' Isaac Newton.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 17:47:47

Isaac newton was a nutter. Spent half his time trying to prove alchemy was real, and stuck a pin in his own eyeball to see what would happen

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 17:49:33

Perhaps I should suggest that to Halfwit Harry.

T2710 Mon 24-Jun-13 17:49:35

Another tip for you re spying! If you have their phone number and a fb account, use the FB app an go to 'find friends' then 'phone contacts' or something. It'll show them if they've linked their phone to their fb account!

Just ended it with mac. I feel bad but if I hadnt it would have only delay the upset!

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Jun-13 17:55:19

Am I the only person who doesn't Google? I think it's cheating/invasion of privacy.

T2710 Mon 24-Jun-13 17:56:13

I think it's just keeping yourself safe. Well, as safe as you can.

Snapespeare Mon 24-Jun-13 18:01:38

i am on the train with two sloaney women who script-write for channel 4s 'the undatables'. they are VILE.

BloomingRose Mon 24-Jun-13 18:02:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:03:15

I cant see how it constitutes an invasion of privacy hmm the internet is a public space!
hacking into someones e-mail would be an invasion of privacy wink

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 18:03:35

I agree with T - essentially you're arranging to meet a stranger, it's only sensible to be reasonably sure that what they've told you is accurate. I wouldn't have a problem with anyone looking at my public details online.

Stranger it is an invasion of privacy but it's up there and people are careless with their own data. It's always wise to googe yourself occasionally to see what comes up as other people like employers, sports clubs, are also careless with your data.

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Jun-13 18:04:55

I suppose my point is that you can't choose what is put up about you online and I'd rather give someone the opportunity to provide their own context etc.

But maybe I'm just exceptionally lucky and haven't been burnt by this approach yet.

BloomingRose Mon 24-Jun-13 18:05:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

If I can't fine someone when I google them, I am suspicious.

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 18:06:13

Sorry it's Shitey McShite in Rose World - are you still having problems with your ex ? ( I rarely look at the rest of Relationships - it depresses me )

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Jun-13 18:06:20

And Juliette I do google myself, and there's a reason I haven't copied and pasted my google footprint into my OD profile! None of it's bad except for a couple of photos but it's not what I'd choose to promote to a date.

BloomingRose Mon 24-Jun-13 18:06:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ooh Snape reportage needed!

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:07:10

Rose, I'm just going by how naive I was at that agegrin
pretty sure that if I was Hungarian and an English bloke who was fabulously wealthy (compared to local standards) showed an interest I'd be pretty easy to win over blush

even so I'm sure he's 'overstating' his 4-5 women a week total

BloomingRose Mon 24-Jun-13 18:07:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Mon 24-Jun-13 18:09:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have stuff up there which is old but vair annoyingly hanging about. Again, nothing bad but it's not great when you find stuff by surprise shock.

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:09:45

Poor thing Rosesad
really hope things look up soon
(I also try not to look in 'relationships')

Rose I saw your thread early this morning, I haven't looked this afternoon as you were already going through hell. I'm so sorry, you've done so well to get this far and you will shake him off eventually. Please try not to let it send you off course if at all possible. And (((hugs))) sweetheart.

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 18:11:55

You poor thing Rose, I'm sorry for whatever horrible things are happening in your life, it must be awful.

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:12:35

' When you are early twenties you get easily blinded by a bit of 'bullshit' that would be spotted a mile off by a woman who has had a bit of life experience.'
exactement Rose!

Problem is, if I extrapolate forwards in time I'm going to be 60 and looking back at myself in my 40's cringing at the dumb things I did blushblush

TortillasAndChocolate Mon 24-Jun-13 18:14:40

Love that phone number Facebook tip. I've just found the guy I'm speaking to on POF!! Thanks for that

stopusingmynicknames Mon 24-Jun-13 18:36:30

just wanted to share with a load of strangers that I had a great first date last night with someone who I REALLY fancy! Is there still a 'no sex till third date' rule???? Not that I am seriously going to leap on him, but it's been months and months since I've met someone who er, gets the old juices going blush

mercury7 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:49:32

you can make the rules to suit yourself grin

FlorentinePogen Mon 24-Jun-13 18:55:00

A bit spooky perhaps......further to Mr. Bant and his Hai Karate-using new-found friend from earlier in the thread, this little nugget is in today's Guardian.

www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jun/24/pickup-artist-sexual-partners-bad-advice

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 18:59:05

hello all smile

Moanranger Mon 24-Jun-13 19:11:21

Re Bant & pick up artist that is not new. I knew a guy yonks ago - short & looked like a salesman - who would more or less do the same thing - strike up conversation with a woman & a few sentences in, ask for sex. He got yes for an answer mor often than you would expect. Another male friend - now long married - just really focused on the woman & asked lots of questions. In case you hadn't noticed smile men excel at talking about themselves, so to do otherwise makes them stand out & also seem more caring.
On another note, a lot of the Meet Up crowd are ex Oders.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 19:19:42

re: seduction guy

It seems a bit "trying too hard" to me? I get the vibe of someone who has been rejected in the past, and now needs to "make a point about how desirable I am"?

When in my 20s i knew a few guys who were a bit OTT like that...

"oh yeah, my girlfriend is a really cute japanese girl and I am also cheating on her with this hot spanish girl aren't I cool?". confused

Of course we all have our wild years and men like pretty girls, but there was something of the "doing it so I can prove i am an alpha male type" rather than "doing it cause i REALLY enjoy it and the company of the women i am with".

Men who think of women as "conquests" are still replaying the high school mentality of being nerdy kids with a grudge against all the girls who rejected him! Need to have some personal growth, I think! smile

(i admit i was a geeky girl, and had a few years in my 20's of "collecting male admirers just to show i have the power", but much happier now i just "look for what feels good to me" and I feel attractive even when I have no prospects).

Even if you don't want marriage and babies or a solid partnership, surely good sex with one lover is better than a series of ONS's? you can develop things, trust each other to go a bit wild etc etc....and you know you're making the lady happy if she is coming back for more...

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 19:21:52

ha ha Moanranger actually i spotted someone i dated a few years ago in one of the meetup groups....confused fortunately not one i'm interested in!

brokenhearted55 Mon 24-Jun-13 19:42:08

He's sent me some nice texts so we will have another go.

Asking for sex right out does work. I've been asked a few times and that fact that I considered it rather than an outright no means that was more likely to succeed with me than some random drunk man trying to snog me in a bar at the end of the night.

I also know men it has worked for.

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 19:49:49

surely good sex with one lover is better than a series of ONS's
I agree, that's the point I was making to him last night. And he sees it too. To be honest he seems like the chocolate taster at cadburys who has just got sick of it and fancies a marmite sandwich. Not that that is any kind of euphemism.

But it's the job he does, he teaches other people and many of his friends are women who he either pulled in the past, or didn't succeed with and became friends with instead. He really doesn't seem to be misogynistic

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 19:57:02

Oh. I now appear to have three potential dates on the go

Doctor lovely, from the email today. Another woman from OD who I exchanged mails with, suggested drinks a few days ago and gave up on, who's now come back with 'great, when?'
Another one who contacted me first but only had a photo of her back, I gave my email address to and she's sent photos of her and she's very attractive.

And FrenchGirl is messaging me on FB to say she can't wait to see me in 3 weeks when she comes to stay

When it rains, etc etc

<chokes on onion bhaji when reading 'marmite sandwich' non-innuendo> grin

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 19:59:05

i must admit i have enjoyed a ONS in the past, but i hate marmite! smile

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 20:02:22

sounds exciting bant! smile

Bant ooh make sure you have several degrees of separation between French Girl's arrival and any others. Don't want the thought of her arriving to go spoiling you grin

Scrazy Mon 24-Jun-13 20:17:13

Howdo? What's happening?

News from me, my weekend away fail sad. Not sure if it's the end of the road but please daters just be honest with each other......

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 20:18:29

You okay scrazy?

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 20:20:47

What's up Scrazy? Doesn't sound good....

My friend is INFURIATING me with her complete tolerance of twatty behaviour from someone she haa met THREE TIMES. So much so I went on a massive massive rant at her when I was pissed last night. Felt a bit bad this morn but it seemed to do the trick.....for 3 hrs till she messaged him again. Urgh.

Scrazy Mon 24-Jun-13 20:23:02

Hi Bant, not sure tbh. It's a long story and identifying but an interesting one which involves a man who ties himself up in knots with lies (that he thought would be easier) when the truth would have been so much more palatable. Still, got the truth in the end which was fine but a trashed weekend which should have been lovely sad

Scrazy Mon 24-Jun-13 20:23:52

Hi Wine, see my last post grin

Sorry to hear that Scrazy. What is it with men and lies sad.

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 20:29:14

Ah Scrazy, lies just make things so much worse. What a waste of a weekend sad

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 20:32:40

Sorry Scrazy, that sounds shite.

Scazy I'm sorry.

Scrazy Mon 24-Jun-13 20:42:24

Thanks. Yes I agree, it was a silly thing but I don't put up with shit anymore and if someone doesn't really want to be with me, wholeheartedly, after all this time then it's time to call it off. Will see what happens from now on.

I'm no angel but hell I try and be honest with people. Why should it be so hard. I know what I want and try to be straight up with men in my life.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 20:43:52

sorry to hear that Scrazy

Kirstywirsty Mon 24-Jun-13 21:07:10

Sorry to hear that scrazy

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 21:12:43

Sorry scrazy. Hope you're okay

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 21:14:21

grin I've been dumped by mills and boon man.

Why? Because after receiving numerous sexually suggestive texts all day I finally texted back and told him he was making more of it than is really there - no, I'm not teasing you, no I'm not 'playing cool' and no, I won't be getting my kit off to swim or otherwise.

So he dumped me on the grounds that I'm "too troubled and intense" or - Oh so no shag then? <shrugs and takes swig of wine>

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Jun-13 21:19:23

Scrazy can't bear a liar. Hope you're okay.

Wisey you are well out of it. What a divvy.

Bant I didn't think you would be sans laydeez for too long . . . What a difference a day makes and all that.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:20:41

good move akaWisey grin.

I find even if its an activity/location I really like, the thought of being with someone I was a bit "meh" about trying to pounce/grope me in a socaiily inept way would be horrific!

ps also find that the ones who TALK about it aren't actually that good if you know what I mean grin if someone is going to be a good lover, they will be confident they can judge what to do when the time is right and how to read physical signals, they don't need a "so you WILL do this with me right?" guarantee before the date!

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:21:18

ha ha at "mills and boon" grin

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:24:25

i was chatting with someone online (who i'd been on a first date with was a bit "meh" about him as in VERY prestigious job but just a bit unmasculine/feathery stroker type).

You know when you're just a bit craving some distraction/attention but not taking them too seriously? well he wrote "I should have kissed you end of our date", the conversation got a bit flirty and...

I got:

"i will lift you up above my head and kiss your secret mound" confused

48howdidthathappen Mon 24-Jun-13 21:25:17

Scrazy That is shite.

I heard of an OD success story today. Both over 50. Now happily living together smile

OMG lorna I just had to hide behind my hands and shriek at 'secret mound' <where's that brain bleach>

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 21:27:17

Exactly lurkinglorna.

So I got another date for 6th July with a very straightforward sounding chap, it was very easy and no bollocks involved at all. He's kinda geeky cool looking. grin

I hate a liar too, can't bear it. They make for very painful people to be around. Best out of it Scrazy.

48howdidthathappen Mon 24-Jun-13 21:28:35

Lorna grin Secret mound. Is he a grown up?

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 21:29:34

SECRET MOUND??????

Oh noooooooo….!!!!

<goes off to search for own secret mound which is prob in a 'useful drawer' somewhere>

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 21:30:03

I've got to find a way to use 'secret mound' in conversation

Djangounhinged Mon 24-Jun-13 21:30:34

Sorry to hear that Scrazy, well done for just getting rid. No idea what compels people to tell lies, they've been reminded since primary school days that they'll get found out in the end hmm.

And you're well out of that one too Wisey - I think almost without exception, men who reel out the "tease" clichés are just hoping to wear you down with their insistence that you must really want to sleep with them. Meh.

Blooming, hugs to you, sorry you're having such a shite time of it at the moment thanks

<Waves> to thread, nothing of note happening chez Django

Don't action men toys have secret mounds?

KinNora Mon 24-Jun-13 21:30:56

Hahahahahahaha at 'secret mound' ( it's not Showbiz is it ?)

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 21:31:51

Yes, and if you press it right their eyes move from side to side

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:32:46

VERY grown up as in not just "good professional" job but a fairly big shot in something that affects a lot of people's lives. i think that kind of backs up my theory that impressive jobs do not a good date make!

And in person he was just a bit nervous and weedy so I'm not even sure he was strong enough to pick me up, let alone so my...erm....YOU KNOW WHAT....was in line with his face for him to kiss.

after that flirty chat session i kind of faded away from contact....confused

OMFG. Secret mound??? gringrin

Ha ha bant, that's the second time you've made me MEGALOLZ this eve!

lorna I think you are so right about the job / date correlation! We should make a graph!

48howdidthathappen Mon 24-Jun-13 21:40:04

Im still laughing grin

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Jun-13 21:43:34

I think the graph would hold up, but there's also something about "freelancers" that would be a bit of an outlier.

I think I have a sex hormone hangover. confused

Me too 48, my stomach is hurting grin <snorts into cushion so doesn't wake up sleeping infants>

Moanranger Mon 24-Jun-13 21:45:58

You know, that is something that could be very erotic if whispered in bed in the midst of passion, - but texted - noooo!
He sounds rather sad & probably not had sex in awhile.
Meet Up guy was rather overly effusive the first time we DTD, but again, in bed & as he hadn't had sex for about a year, it was understandable.

Secret mound. How has any woman had sex with him without bursting out laughing. Wisey good for you.

Bant once word got out it was weeks before I got a look at an Action Man's secret mound. Vair disappointed which kind of set me up for life.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:55:44

ha ha at graph

erm....

best ones i've dated:

navy, human resources (he basically did a personality analysis of me before we spent a night together, and worked out my sexual needs based on that. AMAZING) construction workers

ok average ones:

army, sports profs, most others, engineers, techies, scientists.

bad ones:

law, medicine, politics, anything a bit pretentious and "arty" or journalist - too "up in their heads and self centred".

this is very discrimnatory, sorry! and of course i accept i am probably bottom of a lot of mens lists confused

@ ALittleStranger

ha ha, good night? smile

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 21:58:37

do men have "sexy professions" or preference? bant? i sometimes think i benefit that my job isn't that "intimidating" really, that said my bank balance isn't that happy a lot of the time!

Bant Mon 24-Jun-13 22:04:22

Well personally I love a woman with a fork lift truck licence

Winefiend Mon 24-Jun-13 22:05:43

SECRET MOUND

Fucking fucking hell grin

Just deleted my POF profile. Strangely satisfying.

Am just trawling through the minefield of horror that is 'Meet Me' on POF. Am getting a bit tired and my eyes a bit blurry. Read someones 'blurb' as saying 'Looking for some 1 with a gash'. Blimey I thought, there's the counterpoint to 'secret mound'

But it actually says 'Looking for some 1 with a gsoh'. Makes more sense I spose. <books eye test>

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:09:05

ha ha, actually i was talking to someone about "what can i do to improve my work skills i hate this situation?" and he said, "fork lift drivers are always in demand"! smile

i have heard men talk highly of yoga teachers and nurses! (i'm not either, oh well, I only deserve men who talk of secret mounds....confused)

48howdidthathappen Mon 24-Jun-13 22:12:40

Hey grin My sides are hurting.

48howdidthathappen Mon 24-Jun-13 22:18:59

I remember being at a party as a teenager, a bloke was talking to me and a few mates. He told us he was a fork lift driver. One of my friends asked him if he did long distance. I was blush for her.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:19:02

I don't actually think englishmen are good at sex talk! sorry bant it feels like a girls locker room in here blush

had a very posh date go (in very posh English voice)

pats me on bottom (after event, before rolling over and falling asleep)

"aren't you a terribly NAWTY girl, then?"

fair enough, but it was just very boring standard sex we had confused

Snort at long distance fork lift trucker grin <has glass of water to calm hysterics>

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 22:36:17

I can't imagine dtd with anyone yet and certainly not until I've found where I've put my secret mound. I've moved house though.

Is it a Secret Mound of sex toys Wisey grin

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 22:42:46

proper you made me snort wine over my keyboard which is a WASTE grin.

Oh yes. Rabbits 'n shit (not rabbit shit though obviously). There may be an odd chinchilla too, I can't remember so long has it been since the last 'stirring'.

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:46:28

my .....you know what...has been a VERY secret mound for far too long, I hope there will be a handsome archeologist to dig it up soon!

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:47:11

i need to borrow something, akaWisey grin

Aaaah this thread is making me laugh tonight grin

You newish lot are a breath of fresh air. As well as the lovely oldish lot, obvs wink

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:48:27

@48
grin

is it awful that i had to think about that? blush

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 22:50:22

@ properstumped

smile

(I won't type any innuendo, I've run out!)

Like Wisey and her batteries grin

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 22:58:36

What would you like lorna? <hastily arranges what's close to hand secret mound products tastefully>

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 23:00:14

@ProperStumped

THIS FOR YOU grin

night all!

lurkinglorna Mon 24-Jun-13 23:00:39

@ akaWisey

Spade first?

akaWisey Mon 24-Jun-13 23:02:35

Thank you lorna. Night all from me too.

Snapespeare Mon 24-Jun-13 23:15:39

secret mound...what moles make when they're feeling sneaky.

sad at the bellends tonight. shall catch up properly tomorrow.

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 09:30:27

Morning all.

On the subject of doing internet research, I've only ever done it twice before a date (apart from someone connecting with me on FB or LinkedIn, when it would be rude not to have a poke around)

The first one was a date that cancelled after realising she was an acquaintance of the Artist and that would be weird.

The second one was ten minutes ago when I looked up the girl who sent me her photos via email instead of posting them on the OD site. She's attractive, seems intelligent, has kids. Is married. At least according to FB she is. On the OD site she's down as single.

Hmm. That's a topic of conversation for her anyway.

brokenhearted55 Tue 25-Jun-13 09:45:10

Nice texting with watch checker. He said he's shy until getting to know him. Dinner Friday night. thats cool. We'll see what happens.

Flipper924 Tue 25-Jun-13 10:13:29

Out of nothing but kindness, look after yourself, 55.

Mr 3DD is teasing me with a picture of the maltloaf he had for breakfast. I put far too much store in texts and replies etc, I think.

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 10:20:54

broken - dinner is good. Shy at first is good (I think) - just take it easy, go slow, no rush. And as I said, if it's not fun, stop.

Okay, I've got to ask here. I need advice.

The girl whose status says she's married on FB just mailed me and told me she had to be honest - she is still married. Very unhappy at home. Wants to send him away but it's not easy. They have two DC, 2 and 4...

From our email conversations she's interesting and funny. I'm really torn here. She sounds like she's in a bad place and from having read some of the horror stories on here, I could be a shoulder to lean on as a friend when she needs one. Her dating profile says she's looking for friends, not dating.

What do I do here? I don't want to get involved in breaking up a marriage if she's leaning that way, but also I don't want to just drop someone who's reaching out for friendship.

help.

MissFelicityLemon Tue 25-Jun-13 10:25:14

Bant - unhesitatingly, I would advise staying WELL away. If it were the other way round, an a man saying those things to a woman, we'd all be saying "run away; of course he's unhappy at home, blah, blah, blah"

Do you want a female friend??

I never understand why people go on DATING sites to look for friends, but maybe that's just me.

Bant no matter how difficult her life is, you cannot be her rescuer. She contacted you, she may be in fear of telling friends in RL or family but imo a woman who will put herself on a dating site as single, send pictures and then follows it up by setting out her stall the truth is either desperately lonely, bonkers or scamming.

None of these would be what you signed up for.

You could always politely decline and let her know she can contact you to chat when she is free?

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 10:37:20

felicity - I generally find female friends are less likely to challenge me to an arm wrestle. Many of my good friends are women and I'm able to resist sleeping with them.

I'm just thinking of the number of threads I've read where people in tough situations say 'I don't have any friends to talk to in real life' - and think 'can I say no here?'

I mean of course I can. I could tell her to go away, fix things, see a counselor, whatever. Or I could say we meet as friends only and see how things go romantically with the other two dates I have lined up.

I just hate seeing someone having a bad time. Call it my old fashioned sense of gentlemanliness or whatever.

FlorentinePogen Tue 25-Jun-13 10:37:21

From our email conversations she's interesting and funny. I'm really torn here. She sounds like she's in a bad place and from having read some of the horror stories on here, I could be a shoulder to lean on as a friend when she needs one. Her dating profile says she's looking for friends, not dating.

Bant, I normally NEVER offer advice but on this occasion I will and I'll echo MissyLemon - AVOID THIS ONE.

No matter how big you feel your shoulder is, this has potential shitstorm written all over it. Does this lassie not have Hungarian pals to support her in times of crisis ? Why is she looking for a foreigner for solace ?

Sorry to be so matter-of-fact and cynical but don't forget, you are a stranger in a strange land with a young family back in the UK.

55 good news on dinner smile.

Felicity some sites attract people looking for friendship as well, I know people who have made friends on sites and I would have wanted to be friends with several of my dates, interesting, knowledgeable but no way could I ever have fancied them.

Oh ladies where am I going wrong? Every time I meet someone from OD, we have a great time (or so I think) but then I struggle to get past the 2nd date, I always get dumped! Starting to wonder what's wrong with me! sad

MissFelicityLemon Tue 25-Jun-13 10:56:08

Bant - I wasn't suggesting you aren't able to have friends of the opposite sex. I have many too. I was asking a serious question. Would you have 'befriended' her if you met her, say, at work?

Juliette - I know it happens. Just seems a bit odd to make a point of using a dating site to make friends (as opposed to possibly decide to stay as friends if dating didn't work out)

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 11:03:16

Felicity - probably, yes. She seems amusing. If I met her at work though there wouldn't be a problem so much because I don't date people I work with. And there is a limit to how 'friendly' I can get with work people given the fact I may have to fire them at some point.

If I'd met her out for a drink with friends, and she talked about her problems, I'd say I was okay to talk about it but make it clear I wasn't going to get involved romantically with someone who's married.

I think I'm going to say I'm open to listening to her via email, but not going to meet her in person while she's married. And that I'm going to be dating other people, so all we can be is friends. Is that safe do you think?

Winefiend Tue 25-Jun-13 11:09:06

Ah Bant, that is a tricky one but I am with these guys. Being a shoulder for someone is an admirable quality but it is draining. What happens if you fall for her? You have lots of irons in the fire so I would say probs best to leave it.

I have a job interview on Monday. Had actually given upon it as closing date waa nearly a fortnight ago and was rather bamboozled as I've never applied for a job and not been shortlisted for interview. Takes me out of me comfort zone and 300 quid a month better off. Eeeeeeek grin

MissFelicityLemon Tue 25-Jun-13 11:10:57

Bant - I think being an 'email friend' is probably the safest option if you feel you want to talk over someone-you-don't-know's marital woes . Less chance of irate husband following her when she wanted to chat over her "woes" with you over a drink and breaking your legs!

Bant that sounds good. You can see how it pans out and always change your mind about meeting up if you want to later.

Dutch is visiting on Saturday for a few day. I have no idea if we can move forward, I am still very pissed off.

as in not ready to forgive (yet?) I think

lubeybooby Tue 25-Jun-13 11:48:14

Hi all

Massive apologies to all that I just keep jumping in and have been unable to catch up properly for ages now.

I am determined that things will get back to normal at some point! I'm doing 19 hour days at the moment it's insane.

Anyway I finally have a little downtime this weekend with Mr Flirt. Really looking forward to that!

Apologies in advance that I heard the possibility of good weather this weekend too so I've bought a bbq and pimms and stuff... bound to bloody piss down now...

OhWesternWind Tue 25-Jun-13 11:58:41

Bant I think that's a very kind and sensible plan. I can see the potential for trouble or a scam here, but I also think if the society there is like the UK thirty/forty odd years ago then there might be very little RL support for someone in a difficult/abusive relationship, so offering a listening ear and a different viewpoint might really help her.

Hope it all works out Juliette. I suppose it all depends on what he has to say and what steps he's taking to try and sort things out. Just take your time with it and don't feel pressured into deciding one way or the other just because he's there. You are very sensible, I know you will make the right decision depending on the circumstances.

Kirstywirsty Tue 25-Jun-13 12:07:47

Is he staying with you juliette ?

bant I would say I am sorry for your troubles please give me a shout when you are no longer married

OWW the weird thing is, I am having to talk to myself and learn that it will take as long as it takes. He knows he is not in a position to ask anything, is respectful of that and I will take my time. It's only been 2 months.

Kirsty yes.

Bant, I agree with Kirsty, could potentially open up a whole world of pain.

Juliette hope things with Dutchie go ok, and at a pace you are happy with.

Dolly, please don't think it's you, the chances of meeting 'the one' on OD are pretty low, and it just takes time

<waves at thread>

Flipper924 Tue 25-Jun-13 13:20:00

<blows kiss at Lubes>
Have fun with Mr Flirt. Might I suggest a bit of downtime before you see him, so that you have some energy when you need it?

Bant, the others have said it, but you're a big boy, you'll make your own mind up. Keep your eyes open, mate.

ALittleStranger Tue 25-Jun-13 13:24:32

Bant you're right, she does need a friend. But you are not a friend. If she genuinely has no one in real life she should get on the Relationship board. It's nice you want to help, but inappropriate IMO. If you're happy to be an email sounding board than do so, but I think it's a minefield.

Dolly in my experience fizzling out after 2nd date is pretty common. They're nice enough but no one is compelled enough to really make an effort.

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 13:37:50

Dolly - firstly, you don't get dumped - until there is any agreement of exclusivity between you, or a discussion about where things are going, you shouldn't think of yourself as 'in a relationship' - you're just two people who have decided to spend a few hours together and see if there is potential. Either of you can decide no, it's not 'dumping'.

It's impossible for us to know why they choose not to take it further of course - do they just stop contact or tell you they've met someone else or something?

superdooperpenguin Tue 25-Jun-13 13:50:32

Dolly - don't feel bad, just be glad you've had a lucky, early escape from those men! How many of them did you really want to meet again? I try to look at it as good practice until a good one comes along.

Bant - very sweet that you want to help her out but I think you've made the right call. She needs to seek help and friendship elsewhere and sort out her home life, easier said than done I know but most of us here have been there!

I am still crazily infatuated with my guy after only 3 dates, not good! We text each other every day and seem to be meeting about once a week so it's not like it's moving too fast or anything. He seems keen and he's lovely but I can't help fast forwarding and thinking I'm wasting my time here. He doesn't want DCs, I have a 7 & 5 yr old. But it's not like I'm looking for a replacement dad - aaargh!

superdooperpenguin Tue 25-Jun-13 13:51:47

Oh god, read my post back I sound mental. 3 dates and I'm worrying about our future blush

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 14:24:10

Can I just point out that calling me big boy is almost as bad as referring to a secret mound, Flipper smile

Bant Tue 25-Jun-13 14:55:16

ok well now I've mailed MarriedGirl (shouldn't really give her a Dating Name as it's purely platonic, I've made that very clear but she sounded so down that I couldn't ignore her). So there is :

Aruba (hungarian from OKC) who has said yes to the concept of a drink but I haven't set a time with yet.

DoctorLovely, met in person and emailed me, who I have to set up a drink with too.

And now CheshireCat has mailed me to ask if I'll be at this thing tomorrow night (which I was going to go to, but late after seeing World War Z) and she's looking forward to seeing me there. No communication from her in almost a week, and I'd resolved to not ask her out again because she seemed to need chasing and just wasn't that sparkling a personality. But so attractive...

All this when I'm away for a lot of the next fortnight, back in England.

I can feel my peacock feathers rustling away. Sorry.

KinNora Tue 25-Jun-13 15:13:57

They're positively flocking to you Bant

Hello lovely Flipper and Lubes and Dolly .

Hello everyone else, I hope your secret mounds are hale and hearty.

Juliette you have your head screwed on and know exactly what you're doing, I hope he's well aware of how fortunate he is that you're giving him the time of day.

Work is horrendous today, not fair when I should be lounging on a chaise longue with George Clooney bringing me raspberry daiquiris (and the rest)

OhWesternWind Tue 25-Jun-13 15:48:17

Make mine a strawberry one Nora

Well, off out tonight with College Bloke. He is a nice man, funny, lots in common, but I am feeling a little bit lacklustre about it. We shall see, like I always say you never know and he could be an absolute star.

Scrazy Tue 25-Jun-13 16:20:53

OWW is this a first meeting? I won't say date.

grin at secret mound.

Bant, tread carefully.

Juliette, what do you think you will do? I would say see him for a date night then it will be less awkward if you think you cannot forgive. I don't know what happened and understand if you don't want to say. The problem I had this weekend wasn't a deal breaker, it was a silly lie designed to keep the peace but typical man it backfired spectacularly. Lots of grovelling and a big heart to heart yesterday has put things into perspective for me and knowing what a miserable so and so I was and the fact that he still doesn't want to lose what we have, I've decided to give the guy a break..... I think I would have ran like the wind with the boot on the other foot tbh.

OhWesternWind Tue 25-Jun-13 16:26:33

Yep Scrazy this is the first meeting with College Bloke. Have second date with Alpha tomorrow though which I am looking forward to a lot

It will all become clear, I know.