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(52 Posts)
AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:02:31

Hi
Would you leave your dh if his mum paid a bill and your dh, mil and fil didnt tell you and was not going to tell you and when questionen dh lied and said no mil didnt pay bill and she didnt know about it then confessed mil paid and they all lied to you?

LB1982 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:05:48

Depends on all the circumstances. You need to elaborate OP.

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 21-Jun-13 23:06:50

Hi op. No, I don't think it's a reason to leave but I can understand why you would be raging and feel like leaving. What's going on, do you know?

DonutForMyself Fri 21-Jun-13 23:11:33

If it were just that incident and they all had some convincing reason why they'd kept it from you I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but if its part of a bigger picture of lying and excluding you from discussions, his family closing ranks etc then I'd be seriously considering where his priorities lie and whether he's prepared to alter his behaviour.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:17:26

We had party here today for fil. Fil and mil came at 1pm and was very insistent that mil had to ho let the dog out at 4:30. Dh leaves work at 4pm and gets home at 4:30pm today he was going to be late cos he had to pay council tax at council office. Fil said to kids " it wouldnt be long and grandma and daddy will be home".
They came in together.

I waited for everyone to leave and got ready for bed and then asked dh "did you pay council tax?" He said yes. I asked if mil had paid it he said no. I asked if he was lieying to me and looked him in the eye and waited after two minutes he say "yes she meet me there and paid it and I didnt tell you incase you were upset".

We have the money for bill but money is tight.
I hate the fact pil interfer in our relationship and affairs
I hate that all three of them lied to me
I hate that dh has form for this and three years again I told him if he lied to me or let his mum or dad in our relationship again we would split up.
I feel like they have played me for a fool.

I have ask dh to leave and he has gone to sleep at his mums tonight and will get his stuff tomoro when we are out.
I dont want him back but he gulits me by saying he.just wanted the bill to be paid and have money for petrol (we would have without assistance)

LB1982 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:23:46

I don't think there is any clear intent to upset you, quite the opposite. I think there are underlying issues from the tone of your post. I understand why you feel as though they have gone behind your back OP but it appears to run deeper than mil paying your council tax.

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 21-Jun-13 23:28:16

Wow. Really? There are threads on here posted by women who are REALLY suffering OP. Do you think what happened to you is real actual deal-breaking bad shit?

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:31:22

Its the fact that dh and his family has lied to me!

That dh chose to side with them and lie to me.

That he let his family (not his wife and children) conceal this from me.

He didnt come to me or talk to me or discuss anything with me but them.

I dont see how a relationship can work when one partner is kept in the dark and lied too and excluded.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 21-Jun-13 23:32:57

Or is it more that he's rubbish at money management , had promised you that he'd do better, and got him mum to bail him out secretly when he failed?

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:34:12

MTM yes I think it is bad shit to be finacial control by my husband.

If you dont then fuck off if you cant be supportive or helpfull.

Xales Fri 21-Jun-13 23:35:21

If OP decides her H lying to her after she has previously told him it is a deal breaker and she no longer wants to stay married she has every right to make that decision.

We have no idea of the back history however there clearly is some form of OPs PIL being over involved for her before.

Whatever decision you make do so for the good of you and your DC.

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 21-Jun-13 23:37:40

Do you understand what financial abuse actually is OP? You sound a little overwrought to me - I think if you just take some time to think it through you'll probably see that it's all rather petty.

Oh - and thanks but I'll fuck off when I feel like it, not when you tell me. You sound a bit controlling actually.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:38:25

No his mum likes to flash the cash and then tells us she owns us.

She paid a small amount of deposit for house and she was here when estaye agent was here and said "of you sell the house and give me back what I put into it, you would not have enpught left to buy another house".

Hos mum insited she pay it and that they not tell me and he went along with them.

Xales Fri 21-Jun-13 23:40:45

It may sound petty however many times it is the petty small thing that is the final straw.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:48:27

I have two young children that will grow up with parents in different homes my 8 year marrage is over. I have no family or friends here, im a SAHM so I have no money. My husband has trowen it all away because he broke his promise to leep his mum and dad out of our relationship and to never lie to me again.

Yes im a bit pissed off right now.

I also have depression and on AD already so I will mot go kill myself because im alone and cant sleep and thought I could get some support from other mothers on mumsnett.

Guess not, I'll just fuck off as my marrage ending is not bad shit enough for you to be supportive or constructive or helpful.

Thanks sad

TheSecondComing Fri 21-Jun-13 23:54:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineBossaNova Sat 22-Jun-13 00:33:52

OP my ex PIL were extremely controlling, and this sounds like the kind of stunt they would have pulled. I can appreciate your frustration.

It wasn't a deal breaker for my marriage (he was abusive) but it contributed to a situation where my feelings and opinions were ignored.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like the last straw. Be kind to yourself.

zippey Sat 22-Jun-13 00:40:15

YABU. Its petty.

SunshineBossaNova Sat 22-Jun-13 00:43:29

I don't think it's petty OP.

BeyonceCastle Sat 22-Jun-13 01:04:24

You have control OP - You are choosing to break up your marriage over this, you could sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. I feel sorry for you if it is the last straw but unless there is a bigger backstory than MIL lording a bit of cash over you then I can't help but feel that LTB is the wrong response here.
I am sorry you are depressed and on ad - have been on prozac and seroxat in the past - neither helped me out the black hole personally but I hope you feel better at some point in the future.
The money thing in the current climate could just be a help up, you are married to her son - it is natural that she would want to help him, you and the gc. I would do the same for my kids in a heartbeat. Sure you would too.
Make yourself a brew and try to get some sleep. It may not seem so black in the morning.
As for telling other posters to fuck off confused just because they do not happen to agree with you, then maybe netmums not mumsnet. But as you sound stressed sure many will give you a pass.
Take care xx

evelynj Sat 22-Jun-13 01:18:52

I'd agree-you need to try to get some sleep-sounds like you my have lost a little perspective although I really understand being upset at the lying. Do you have any of your side of the family local? Just wondering if there is an imbalance of his family being around contributing to anxiety?

Perhaps you can explain again to dh how strongly you feel & 'refund' your mil with thanks for gesture. My pils have helped us with money a few times & I'm incredibly grateful for the help as it's made our lives a lt more comfortable, (although we didn't 'need' the help). I would never allow their generosity to have any control over our lives though-apart from considering pil's well researched product suggestions. E.g. like wood burning stove. Equally they need to understand and respect this.

Good luck & try to see it from others side or give us some more info...

Teeb Sat 22-Jun-13 02:05:31

Would you not help your children out if they needed your help when they are adults? Maybe your MIL is an evil bitch and there's a massive backstory, or maybe she wants to support her son and if that means financially then so be it. It doesn't need to be a sleight on you or your relationship that you need assistance from close family now and again.

In all honesty, would you have accepted it if your husband had been upfront about this before it happened? Or would you have kicked off at him? It seem whatever he would have decided to do would have been wrong, but while you are a sahm you are not in a position to help out financially, so I'm not sure if you can dictate to him that he can't get help from his own parents.

I really fail to understand how some people seem to find comfort in power battles and angst where there doesn't need to be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Jun-13 08:57:21

I read this that you don't like your DH very much, you don't like his family either, you're unhappy in the marriage and this incident - which sounds relatively minor from the outside - is salt in the wound. Tempting when unhappy to cast around looking for someone and something to blame but it's not really necessary. If you don't want to be married to him any more, be honest about it and go for a divorce.

AnAirOfHope Sat 22-Jun-13 09:01:19

1) this is not AIBU and that response is inappraye on a relationship board. I didnt ask if I was unreasonable as its not that black and white.

2) Just because im a SAHM does not mean I have no say in our joint finanial responsabilities

3) its not the money thats the problem its the complete intentional act of my husband to lie and decieve me with the help of his parents.

4) There is no major background story but I dislike my PIL.

deliasmithy Sat 22-Jun-13 09:07:45

It's really upsetting and disappointing when people let us down, but is it realistic to make a promise of never lying?
I think it was encouraging that he told you the truth after you pressed it because he must have known the fall out. What was his motivation for getting the money bearing in mind he knew how upset you'd be?

Are you saying that its definitely over due to the seriousness of his actions or because you told him it would be over if he took money again and therefore you feel you have to keep with your promise?

AnAirOfHope Sat 22-Jun-13 09:25:13

I feel let down, dissappointed in dh because he knows how much this upsets me. He knows I dont want him to lie to me as I cant trust him anymore and I cant stay in a relationship where I cant truest or relie on my partner.

Im angry that his mum treats him like a child, that they think its ok to lie to me that they interfer in our relationship (they dont tell me anything about their financial sistuation or their relationship so I dont see why they should know about ours). His mum is domineering and pushy and will not take no for an answer and there is loads of events where I have said no and she has done it anyway.

I just dont want to be with someone who lies and deceves me. He has said sorry but he did the other times.

Im more hurt because im in love with him and thought things were going great and I was really happy then he lets me down again.

I have no family here or friends so its just dh FIL and MIL and me. They all lied and excluded me form something my name is on and im responsable for. They are so crap at lieying I can tell a mile.off but they still do it all the time. I have even told them they are liers and I hate it.

If I let this go again its just going to happen again. I feel like they think im a fool for not knowing or that they can do this to me. I feel like they treat me like a child and not the 30 year old adult I am.

I feel like its not just dh and me in marrage but pil as well and I dont want it to be like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Jun-13 09:47:00

OK so you've used the phrase 'don't want' several times above.... what is it you 'do want'? If it's to be independent then see a solicitor on Monday, get some advice, start planning your future without him and then tell your DH it's over. At 30 you have plenty of time to start fresh.

ktef Sat 22-Jun-13 10:05:16

It sounds to me like you want to feel like you and your husband are a unit, a partnership, you and he against the world etc. but instead you feel like an extra, and outsider in your own marriage, and like YOU are a problem to be got round by the others, who then lie to you to stop you making trouble. Not only that but they lie really badly so it is really obvious to you that they are doing it.

This sounds very hard to handle. And I can imagine I would feel very lonely and alone in amongst a family who are excluding you.

I think you need to decide if dh is ever going to be able to change and start treating you like an equal whose opinions he values. And whether or not he can change I think you really need to get your own support outside of him and his parents. You need some friends. If you can't control him can you start trying to boost your own strength by getting a life outside that doesn't involve him and his interfering parents.

myroomisatip Sat 22-Jun-13 10:05:51

I don't think you are being petty. It is obviously making you very unhappy and possibly has a lot to do with you being on AD's.

If your DH is not willing to change then I fear you will become increasingly resentful and unhappy. May be it is time to bring your relationship to an end sooner rather than later?

evelynj Sat 22-Jun-13 18:07:20

I agree that your feelings are hard to handle & I understand why you're upset hut sounds like your dh had best intention.

I think you should go to counselling with dh so you can better learn to understand and support each other. It's really hard if you feel that you're in 'his world' with nobody exclusively attached to you. I think women have a hater time with that than men do.

I went to relate with my ex. Although we're not together anymore it was one of the best and most enlightening things I have ever done. You will get a truly neutral party who can give you some practical advice on what you can work on to make your life better & you'll be more sure if you should be together or not.

Good luck!

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 08:22:08

Every thing else in our relationship is fine and I love him but I hate that he does.this.

I have talked to him and he has said he did it because it was the easiest thing to do and it got the bill paid and.he didnt tell me first off because he didnt want me to be upset or worry.

He admitted he did it as it was easy and he is lazy and stupid. He didnt want to row with his mum ober it and I was busy and had company round so he could have told me sooner and he said he would have told me in the morning.

But he still did it!

I dont want to leave but im not sure I can or dhould put up with being excluded and lied to. I explained to dh thats how i feel and he said its not like that they didnt want me to be upset or worry about them helping our family.

Im thinking I should forgive them and ask them all not to lie to me again but then I think they will see it as ok!

H has said he is hoping I get over it as I love him and that I will calm down and things will go back to normal as thats easiest and he is lazy.

He is sleeping in kids room untill I "feel better" about him hmm

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 08:29:07

We went to relate three years ago about the same issue and we had one session. We left and the counsilor said we were the nicest couple she had seen and could tell we loved each other but had to learn to communiate better and to form a better environment for H to not feel the need to lie to me and for him to understand that I really dont like it.

I dont think it worked grin

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 08:34:28

Think I will need to talk to h again and explain why I dont like them lieying to me (did that three years ago) and ask him not to do it again (dittio).

I dont know if this is worth ending my marrage over or if its a major bad point I need to accept will keep happening and get over it.

justgivemeareason Sun 23-Jun-13 08:34:44

It's not the most terrible thing to have lied about.

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 08:39:25

Is lieing about a 'good thing' not as bad as lieying about a 'bad thing' like gambling, smoking or drinking?

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 08:41:16

Its the fact he knows what he is doing and he still does it! He is stupid and lazy but still, really!

I can understand how you feel, to have those PIL deliberately undermining you (and it is deliberate, they know you dislike being excluded and do it anyway) and interfering in what should be a united twosome with your husband, and him allowing this, would seriously make me doubt what we had. And I'd feel incredibly resentful and frustrated. Could you go back to counselling?

You could also try a different tack with the PIL. If their motivation in giving money is so that they feel they have a controlling hand in your relationship, could you simply puncture that balloon for them? 'Thanks so much for paying the council tax bill, that's really helpful of you!' 'And thanks so much for the deposit! Oh no we won't be giving any of that back to you when we move... it was a gift wasn't it? I don't think we signed anything about you being a joint purchaser on the mortgage, in fact I don't think we even discussed it did we, because there's no way I'd have agreed to that... so kind of you to help out though!' As long as they see you getting wound up about it they will carry on, because that's what they want. So try not to give them the satisfaction, but do accept their generous handouts! They will stop if they want to.

deliasmithy Sun 23-Jun-13 09:59:30

Only you can answer that Air. You know the relationship best in order to weigh up this problem against all the strengths.

My personal view is that lying is bad on any level and its therefore a strong value of mine. That said, this doesn't mean that other people feel the same. Some people believe in 'white lies' as being acceptable, though I still find that hard to deal with. I think what helps is to have a deeper discussion, not just what you don't like it but why, what damage it does and what it represents.

It seems that perhaps, and i could be interpreting this wrongly, that your oh felt there was a problem around money. He felt that a solution was to get his parents help but knew how strongly you disagree with this so felt unable to raise it with you. Perhaps he assumed you wouldn't consider taking money from them and viewed you as being unapproachable therefore felt his only option was to do it without telling you. It was likely he felt uncomfortable doing this which is why he eventually told you.

If the above is true to some level then it seems that the surface problem is lying, but underneath is a communication issue, and perhaps a fundamental disagreement over the involvement of his parents.

zippey Sun 23-Jun-13 10:16:30

You say in your 2nd post that money is tight. People often want to help out or donate money preferring to stay anonymous. Your finances are between you and DH. DH was obviously willing to accept the generous donation. Your PIL seem to know your financial situation and are wanting to help out but they also seem to know that your pride would make your angry.

Me, I would be grateful for having generous PIL's.

As for the lying you need to look st that in context and the seriousness of it. All lies are not the same. Lying about seeing an OW and lying about a surprise birthday party are on either side of the scale for example. And it's a hollow request to expect people not to lie, it's human nature to tell untruths.

evelynj Sun 23-Jun-13 11:21:30

I think more counselling is in order as your dh seems to want to 'get over it & move on' which means you haven't explored it fully or truly understand each others feelings so likely to happen again in the future. I don't think you should brush it under the carpet if it's something that seriously made you consider breaking up your marriage.

Tbh the last counsellor you experienced sounds a bit rubbish. Saying 'you're a nice couple & need to talk more' then sending you on your way is utterly useless. That's the issue for pretty much every couple that go to relate etc. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other and with his parents as it sounds like you can't be honest with them and if they are in your life that much you need to be able to talk openly with them, whether it makes anyone uncomfortable or not, (as long as there is no intention for malice). Although we all may feel differently about things,I don't think we should be ashamed of how we feel.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 12:34:44

Thank you for you advice and pov its really helpful. I agree the first council was rubbish so we didnt go back. At the time o wanted to sort myself out then fouce on us as a couple due to my depression/PND. Now I think its time to revisit the us part of counciling.

The PIL have a lot to do my our kids and my son loves his Grandad so much that I need to make it work but I cant talk to them as MIL controls FIL and she is domineering and thinks in lower than her and treats me like a girl eg "stop wittleing" when I ask if she has everything she needs for son! She will not listen and does her own thing. This is something me and h agree on.

The last time I disagreed with her she cried and didnt talk to me for a few weeks said I talked to her like a two year old and that she wasnt going to go to our dd christening (h was great and backed me up and was very polict and diplomatic with her without disrepecteding me)

I also think its mine and h that have the problem with not communicating or h not listening to my opioin/prefernce and nothing to do with inlaws. Its h that knows I hate lieing and I dont want him to lie to me.

My family think lieing is dishonest and you shouldnt lie to ypur family where h and his family think its ok to lie if you have a good reason to.

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 12:38:54

I think its a fundalmental difference in moral values between me and husband (sad)

From a one off example it's hard to appreciate the insidious, undermining impact of lies like this over a period of time.
In my experience, the first few times you can excuse, just like other posters seem to be doing, after all it turned out ok, things were sorted, no one got hurt.
The problem is, after a while you never really know where you stand. You can believe you're working as a team with your partner, work out budgets and plans together. But the family life you think you have is never exactly what you've got. It can feel very insecure, and disrespectful.

Sorry, posted too soon. Good luck OP, I don't have the fix all solution, but a lot of sympathy. I hope you get it sorted.

SunshineBossaNova Sun 23-Jun-13 13:17:40

Hope I agree that more counselling might be in order - a good counsellor might help him to see the effect these lies, and your PIL's undermining of you, have on your self-esteem and your marriage.

I can't abide lying, and I would find it problematic, particularly when coupled with your PIL's attitude.,

Big hugs OP and best of luck. x

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 13:19:29

Your right it does make me feel insecure in the family im trying to build for me and my children sad

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:06

Also I want to build the best family I can for us and that includes all family members not lieying to each other.

I would perfer to deal with the issues and not the lies.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 23-Jun-13 13:26:15

I'd be delighted if my pils wanted to pay my bills.

SunshineBossaNova Sun 23-Jun-13 16:22:24

Holly, you have missed the point entirely.

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 16:53:17

I have showen h this thread.

He has agreed to keep pil out of our relationship.
He has agreed to go to relate.

I still dont think he gets how I feel about him lieing. Im not sure he will ever understand where I am coming from and I cant be sure he will open up and be honest with me.

Im not sure its worth going torelate if I cant trust what he is saying sad

AnAirOfHope Sun 23-Jun-13 16:56:29

When I try to tell him how I feel he just syands there and takes it without responeding or intreacting and does not comment. I dont think he is taking in what im saying cos there is no feedback.

evelynj Sun 23-Jun-13 17:50:09

I think he needs to feel confident that he is allowed to say how he truly feels, (counselling should achieve this & give you tools to react in a way that doesn't make him feel guilty or you angry). I'm not sure why but I get the impression that he just doesn't want to say anything that would upset you-this is understandable & my dh would do almost anything to avoid confrontation but on the long run that's counter productive. There's no point going along with something I he doesn't feel the same. Obviously sometimes one of you will have to compromise.

Your mil sounds like hard work, (ime most of them are!) but if you have the tools to assert yourself confidently then this should have a huge impact on how you communicate. Where your life and children are concerned it's your rules-there are some things that can give way a bit, like not spoiling kids with more than a few sweets but other things that are non negotiable and pil's need to know where the line is.

Btw, I think it was a great idea to show him this thread, I think a lot of good could be done by showing some threads to dh!

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