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can't believe this is real (hand hold needed)

(55 Posts)
slipperySlip000 Thu 20-Jun-13 20:50:42

I have name changed for this. After wading through treacle in my big lead boots for ten years (my eldest dd is 10, youngest dd 8) I have taken steps to end my marriage of 14 years. Things have just taken on a momentum now. I have had enough and can't stand it any more.

My hubby tries really hard to be the person he imagines himself to be. But he is very often keeping a lid on his anger. In reality he is a prickly person who was parented by a Dad who was physically/verbally and abusive. He is often irritated by things in life, including any noise or mess created by his own kids. Both girls have special needs and he will not do anything, even basic for them other than ferry them around from A to B. And it has taken a fair bit of training to get that far. He has now opted out of reading to them, or getting them ready for bed. He expects accolades for helping around the house and can do no housework or menial tidying task without getting very irritated and creating a horrible atmosphere. He is moody and just expects everyone to go with it, changes suddenly and never apologises for this or acknowledges the effect it has on me. At times hubby can be intimidating and cutting towards me, although he has a very hard time recognizing it, because it is part of his anger and so he is blind to it. I have finally told him I'm not taking any more of it. This is not how I was brought up, what I want out of life is a hubby who can appreciate what he has in life rather than sitting constantly on his back side, moaning, looking endlessly on the internet for things we cannot afford. It is endless. I have worked unbelievably hard to re-train, advocate and fight endlessly and support the kids with their lives and their education. My dd pulled out a letter the other day and announced she'd been picked for a sports tournament (in school hours). All hubby could do was grunt, and moan about the late notice (despite the fact that it had absolutely no impact on his life). I have been on antidepressants for three months now. Hubby has never actually asked how I'm feeling. I still feel depressed.

I feel awful. Because I am now going to split this family apart. My family think the sun shines out of my hubby's backside. I have a lot of work to do now to re-write the story of this marriage to the people in my life. I can't even think about what the kids will be like, as I have no idea how this will play out. But things have taken on a momentum now. I have told hubby I need to get away with the kids for a couple of weeks. It will be an amazing and liberating time as I won't be stressed and walking on eggshells any more, and I can do what is right for mw after all these long, hard, years. The rest of it is making me sick. Please hold my hand.

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 20-Jun-13 20:55:42

<hand holding> I don't know what to say, but you and your girls will be okay.

FlatsInDagenham Thu 20-Jun-13 20:55:57

<proffers hand>

You sound very very strong. And this will be the best thing you could do for your DDs. It sounds like your H is a massive drain on the whole family's emotional wellbeing.

janesnowdon1 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:00:05

You are doing the right thing for everyone - you must be such a strong person to coped with all that you have done. Your husband has had many years to work on his childhood issues. Enjoy the space

Hand holding here too. You sound lovely and deserve a good life, and so do your dds.

Go for it xxxx

Noregrets78 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:32:02

Another one holding your hand... keep your eye to the future, and how bright it will be

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Jun-13 21:35:31

More hand holding. It is sometimes a very little straw that breaks the camel's back but by the sound of it you have had your work cut out on several levels.

I hope you find rl support OP. A non toxic family worth their salt will re-adjust their thinking sharpish about a popular son in law if you turn round and explain you've been struggling, put a brave face on it but reached your limit and need support.

slipperySlip000 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:41:45

Thank you so much. It is amazing to have support on here and IRL. My friends are so unbelievably special and I would be lost without them. They know me well and their words are keeping me going in the right direction. I lost my wonderful mum 11 years ago (shortly before having my first baby) and I miss her like mad, especially since having children. I am so alone and unsupported with the kids. I am so desperately protective of my Dad, who I adore. The thought of telling my Dad this marriage is ending is unspeakably awful. He may take some time to come round and it is going to break my heart to tell him. The kids will be so upset (they love their daddy). We will have to sell the house. But yet I already feel a weight lifting from my shoulders, and my old self beginning to return and peep through this little crack. I have never felt so many emotions all at once. But I am thinking of the brightness of feeling free.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Thu 20-Jun-13 21:51:07

Best of luck OP. As you expect, it may not be easy but it will be so worth it if it's what you really want smile

FWIW my your H sounds a lot like my Dad and I wish my mum had left him. The atmosphere, the wondering what mood he would be coming home in, the utter relief when he wasn't in a mood, watching for triggers that would set his rage off...it's a horrible way to live! Such a pointless waste of what life should be.

Best of luck. x

ProjectGainsborough Thu 20-Jun-13 21:54:34

Good luck OP. my hand is here! X

Chubfuddler Thu 20-Jun-13 21:59:00

You're not depressed. You're oppressed by a nasty man.

I despair

I want to believe most men are lovely. I know men who are. But the stats seem stacked against it.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:07:48

You sound very much like you can see your situation for what it is & you are in control. Both of those are good signs that you'll be just fine.

Your post has actually really helped me. I am pregnant & my P has just dumped me. He sounds similar to your H in some ways & I've been wondering if my decision to let him go is the right one rather than try to make our family work. I think your post has shown me what the future could hold & that sooner or later it would boil down to the same result. So I hope it helps you to know the strength you are showing may have just prevented someone from making similar mistakes.

The change won't be easy but it sounds as though it will certainly be worth it so good luck x

lovesfastcars Thu 20-Jun-13 22:24:01

You and your girls have a much better life ahead of you now , thanks to your strength and courage.
They are not 'losing' their dad, and will be gaining a much happier mum who is providing them with a wonderful role model to teach them about what is, and what is not acceptable in a relationship.
I think you will all be far better off once the dust has settled.
Good luck and very well done for realising that you deserve much better than this x

whitesugar Thu 20-Jun-13 22:43:10

You are a strong woman who fought tirelessly for your girls. This is another hurdle & you can do this too. It's not going to be easy but it can be done. Lots of people do it including loads if mums on here. Accept it will be hard but at the end you will not have to put up with someone who makes your life harder. Keep your head up & your shoulders back & keep telling yourself you can do it. Good luck - you can do this & you will be a great example to your girls when they face tough times. I will be thinking about you & sending you encouragement. We have one life and we can direct the path it takes.

KristinaFranziska Thu 20-Jun-13 22:59:01

Dearest Lady: I wish you strength and courage. In my eyes you are modelling for your girls what it is to be a woman who knows her own worth and who is not prepared to accept abuse. If you don't do this, what are your teaching them is acceptable? How will they fare following your example?
No, you are not damaging them. You are giving them a gift beyond price.

And ask whose life are you living? You and you alone are the best judge of your circumstances. You stand for your own life, your own values, your own beliefs. Let others, friends, family, parents live their own lives to their own rules and values....we are each entitled to live one life and that is our own.

Emotional/verbal abuse is horrific. It can creep in and undermine.

Get out, rediscover yourself. Nothing will be as tough as staying.

A worthy partner is supportive, helps their spouse with what is important to them, thanks, acknowledges.

You've been living a secret lie and it's time to live your truth, to be authentic.

So, tell us: how are you feeling?

Noregrets78 Thu 20-Jun-13 23:07:50

Kristina you have a lovely way with words

overtheraenbow Thu 20-Jun-13 23:44:03

You may also find your father is more aware of the situation than you think. I was amazed at my in laws reaction to their own sons behaviour towards me . I thought that we had presented a good front ( mostly as I believed we had a good marriage) they had seen his EA behaviour so much more clearly than I had. Good luck , you seem a strong person and will thrive away from his toxicity.

I will hold your hand over the coming days, weeks and months.

It will be hard the picking apart of the life you have but I promise it will be worth it. I'm nine years on from leaving a similar situation and I promise there is nothing so empowering as knowing you can manage alone. For what it's worth my DS, who was 2 at the time I changed our lives, has said to me in the last year that whilst he loves his Dad he understands why I didn't want to live with his Dad and he is glad that his family is as it is.

Do you have plans in place for when you get back from your holidays?

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 21-Jun-13 00:40:58

I feel awful. Because I am now going to split this family apart.

No you are not. Your family is you and your girls, was he ever really a part of it? No, he wasnt.

They adore him because thats what they think a father is like, they dont know what a good loving caring father is like. Did you know that most severely abused children who are removed from their families want to go home? Thats because, although they want the neglect, sexual abuse or physical abuse to stop, they love their parents because that is all they have ever known.

Its like that for you DD's. They think that a grumpy moaning bastard who has no time for them is what a Daddy is.

You wont be splitting up your family, you will be protecting it.

ladylambkin Fri 21-Jun-13 00:49:06

I could have written your post and I too am at that crunch time...I have asked him to leave but he has refused to tell me when/where he is going as it'd none of my business.

You will get through this don't worry about that. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy but you will get there. I've just told my family and friends what my relationship has really been like...whilst they are shocked they are also very supportive

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:42:29

I told my Dad, he was of course lovely and it was not entirely unexpected for him. He is upset but is offering us support. I am going there tonight. Kids and hubby staying here for the weekend as I'm working. Hubby has been in tears. I have been calm and clear. I told hubby we are separating. He was in tears. he asked me 'are you sure?'. i said 'yes.' No idea what will happen next week. But that's enough for now.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 21-Jun-13 21:19:10

flowers Your dad has stepped up, hasn't he? Well done telling him. It can't be easy right now but having his support will be a massive boost.

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:56:59

Staying alone at my day's tonight. First night as a separated person. Am exhausted. This week has been the most intense. Feel like I have trekked thru the amazon and have now reached a safe, cosy, relaxed haven. My lovely mate took me out for a pint. There is a long way to go, but I have taken the first step and am truly relaxing tonight.

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:57:30

dad's not day's

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 21-Jun-13 23:03:30

smile

Hold on to how you feel now, it will get you through the inevitable guilt trips that he will try to pull to get you to stay. If you are relaxed now, imagine how your DD's will feel when they are free too.

acheekyvimto Fri 21-Jun-13 23:05:34

I wish I'd replied on this thread than starting my own. Your "d"h seems like mine, he had a terrible upbringing and brings this to our family life. So much of what you put is like our life, even down to getting away, I'm going away for a weekend without him.

I realise what I could be without him, he brings nothing apart from money and an aura of he is better then because of it.

A bad relationship is worse then being a single parent and I admire your strength, hopefully I'll be there come October when our debts are paid.

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:09:50

Thanks Bogeyface am holding on to this feeling smile

slipperySlip000 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:11:25

cheekyvimto your time will come. You can do it too.

slipperySlip000 Sat 22-Jun-13 22:24:25

Am at my Dad's. have discovered brandy! Hubby moves out tomorrow but is committed to being near and around for the kids. Been a very 'up and down ' day. Still not sleeping ir eating. More anon. Hic!

mongolianomad Sat 22-Jun-13 23:03:02

Well done for taking that huge first step slippery. You have been so strong. It will take a while to get over the shock of what you have done and to be able to sleep/eat normally. Try little and often foodwise maybe. Things like complan or buildup shakes you can just sip at but are full of vitamins etc. You will need the physical as well as the emotional strength to start building your new life.

So glad your Dad is supportive. I was dreading telling mine, esp as he was old and not in great health and had very traditional views re marriage and divorce etc. But he really helped in every way he could and I lived with him till I was able to get things sorted.

I am so glad you are feeling more relaxed. Allow yourself to take a few days to just 'come to' if you are at all able to. And to accept that you will have good and not so good days. Hand holding and big respect. You've done the really hard part.

slipperySlip000 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:45:31

flowers flowers flowers thanks for your lovely words, mongolianomad thank you so much.

I am back at home now, hubby has gone (made a silent and very tearful exit, I felt nothing at all, strangely). My youngest has just had a friend over for play and tea. They were playing on the piano and running about being crazy, lunatic eight-year-olds. It was lovely to have that happening, with nobody in the house getting horribly wound up and intensely irritated, scowling and asking when the guest is going home. Just kids being kids and me making the tea. Lovely.

Got to tell the kids tonight what's happening. Planning on early baths and onesies. I'll keep my eldest up late for cuddles on the sofa and she can sleep with me.

Feel strangely serene as well as in shock. I am just going to let some dust settle, the absence of my hubby is already allowing me to think clearer about me. Allowing me to feel my own feelings. Thanks again, mongolianomad

Wellwobbly Sun 23-Jun-13 19:06:17

I just want to tell you, Slip, when I finally stopped protecting him and told the truth, the support was incredible.

Glad you had a choice affirming evening. Savouring moments like that will help you with the difficult times. I hope the talk with the DC went ok.

Don't be surprised if over the coming days, weeks months your feelings that you've been stifling arrive with much vengeance. Especially if your H continues to try and use the poor me card.

I am impressed with your fortitude.

Hope you sleep well.

slipperySlip000 Mon 24-Jun-13 07:36:50

Told the girls. My eldest (10yo, very sensitive and mature) was quite tearful and upset. My heart broke and and in the overwhelming wave of emotion I felt the urge to just call hubby to come back and for everything to get back to normal. It was horrendous. Me and eldest cuddled up on sofa, we had kisses and giggles and snuggled under a blanket til 10 then went to bed together. That was pure heartbreak. Please everyone give my hand a squeeze.
:-(

Hiya. Am here, squeezing your hand tightly.

You have done so well so far, and the light at the end of the tunnel is far brighter than you can imagine.

You have a grieving process to work through. Let it play out and don't fight it.

Another new day, full of hope and happiness is yours flowers

Bogeyface Netherlands Mon 24-Jun-13 08:12:33

The first days are the hardest but your DD will soon come to realise that this is for the best. As you have already said, life is much more relaxed for them and that will only get better.

Keep the faith, you know you are doing the right thing, don't let guilt stop you continuing on this road to true happiness. smile

slipperySlip000 Mon 24-Jun-13 08:50:13

Thank you, Bogey for your lovely words. support on here is amazing as usual and you are all keeping me going and I keep coming back to read what everyone has offered here.flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Jun-13 08:55:21

Slow to get here and hold hand but here you are, <squeeze>. This is the place to get a boost. As marriednotdead and bogeyface say, it is tough but essential and will get better - lots of reassurance for your DDs and let yourself have a wobble now and then.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 24-Jun-13 08:58:34

You are brave and doing the right thing, for yourself and your daughters'.

It is hard at first, but life is SO much better away from a moody, nasty man.

learnasyougo Mon 24-Jun-13 09:19:22

just wanted to say well done for actually doing this. you have done what my sisters and I wanted our mum to do but she didn't until we were 16, 18 and 8. She even told us she had booked a van for our things but she got cold feet and cancelled.

Dad was a moody, grumpy, negative, selfish man who checked out of fatherhood with his daughters. I wish mum had left him, but it wasn't until she met someone else that she finally did it.

that was 20 years ago and we daughters have tried to create a new relationship with our dad, but it became clear he couldn't get it right even now, so contact has ceased. Ssd for him as he now had a beautiful grandson he'll never see.

I resent him. I resent that he never attended a single birthday party, made my friends feel unwelcome, ruined evenings with being grumpy or indifferent, being an emotional drain on the family, verbally, emotionally (and rarely physically) abusive to my mum.
Mum was a married single mum, in effect but she didn't have YOUR courage.

She isn't with him anymore and hasn't found a new Mr Wonderful, but she IS happier, because it's her life to make decisions, do things, go on holiday without dragging an Eeyore around with her.

Oh and my younger sister cried when she was told about the divorce, but she is the daughter who now has the least shred of sympathy for him.

learnasyougo Mon 24-Jun-13 09:22:34

sorry, I didn't mean to make my previous post all about my family situation. I just wanted to give the perspective of the daughter in this situation.

You have DEFINITELY done the right thing. I'm impressed with your courage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Jun-13 09:39:44

Shouldn't comment as it's not my thread but imo it was illuminating to hear from a DD's p.o.v.

Hope you're ok. It's such a hard conversation to have. Just put one foot in front of the other. Your moment of peace will return.

Hope you are still reading. Are you ok?

slipperySlip000 Tue 25-Jun-13 13:53:52

I am indeed, trying to muster all the strength I can, this board is amazing. Feeling very up and down, kids really quite unsettled and it is making me very stressed. H is seeing them 2 nite. Finding it so hard to be away from the kids. I hope my H holds it together in front of the girls. Very low at the moment, have popped into empty house to get overnight things. V depressing. My eldest asked me yesterday if I would ever get married again if we break up. Great that she's asking me stuff, but I can see she is in turmoil and misses her dad. And is confused. Am feeling all over the place (can u guess?) need to go and have a good cry. Booked flights with the girls to see a friend in Ireland. That's in 4 weeks time. I so need a break! Working all week. Please inject calmness and sanity into my life! What the flip have I done! sad another squeeze needed.

DonutForMyself Tue 25-Jun-13 14:06:47

Well done for making the leap slippery, its so hard when you don't have a definitive 'moment' that makes you think 'this is the end' - its just a series of miseries bringing you down until you can't take any more.

FWIW I'm a year down the line and loving every moment of my new life without a dreary grey moaning H dragging me down. The DCs are all happy and well adjusted, I've met a lovely new man who shares the joys in life instead of rolling his eyes and huffing about how hard it all is.

Glad your dad is supportive and your friends are also helping you through. Don't feel like you need to explain the reasons behind your split - I found that even when I told people some of the things that had brought me down, in isolation they sounded a bit feeble. Its the year after year of endless pessimism that gets to you and unless someone has lived with a partner who makes them walk on eggshells they will never get it.

Enjoy the feeling of having that great weight lifted! Look forward to a new independent life. Don't doubt that you have made the right decision for yourself and DCs, its easy to lose sight of how bad it was once you are out of the fog, but you know that you wouldn't have come to this point easily.

Many people find that their ex becomes a better parent when he only has to do it once or twice a week - it gives you some time to recharge and they get to spend a few hours really being together with (hopefully) dad on his best behaviour, as he hasn't seen them for a few days. Its win win all round.

What the flip have I done!

You've done the right thing and you will get through this.
Your girls will flourish soon when they realise they don't have to walk on eggshells and see how much happier you are.
If you ever doubt yourself, just read through your original post and you'll find the strength to carry on.
Keep going - everyone is here for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Jun-13 15:34:34

As things stood, life was going to carry dragging on, he'd get crosser, you'd grow unhappier. Something needed to happen. Better to call a halt and make a decision than wait for a crisis or snapping point.

learnasyougo Tue 25-Jun-13 16:49:30

you've done the right thing and I think visiting ireland is a great idea. it'll give you time and space to reflect and talk to dd. Imagine, not having ol' Miseryguts dragging you down. And you can do what makes you happy. smile

slipperySlip000 Wed 26-Jun-13 19:28:57

H sent me a positive text this morning after his night with the girls. He seems happy with our current tag-team approach with the girls. He is sorting out a place to rent. not really financially feasible but anyway feel much calmer now. And quite liberated. In short... today I feel like me...

DonutForMyself Wed 26-Jun-13 19:38:03

That's brilliant, glad you're feeling the benefit already - you knew it was the right thing to do and each day that you're able to make your own choices and decisions will make you stronger and confirm that you needed to do this x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Jun-13 19:46:01

The old you has been there all the time, you probably walk taller and sleep better this week. The girls will benefit from not having mum stressed by dad not pitching in or ever taking the initiative with raising them. Him having them over will give you a break.

slipperySlip000 Wed 26-Jun-13 19:48:39

Donut thank you so much for putting it into exactly the right words. Your post of 14:06 yesterday just sums it up exactly. I have printed it out to stick in my bag to refer to! Thank you so much flowers flowers flowers

slipperySlip000 Wed 26-Jun-13 20:51:12

Mondays new and lovely experience was the girls playing on the piano while absolutely nobody got irate.

Today's new and lovely experience is the girls getting ready for bed quietly and quickly with the TV off, instead of h on the sofa barking at the kids occasionally, while kids get distracted by the TV and I run around trying to get the kids sorted among the chaos, over the course if about thre times the amount of time it should take.

Tonight I wil have time to do some work (deadline tomorrow) and watch a bit if what I want on the telly and drink a glass of wine I have, chilling in the fridge.

X

Noregrets78 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:14:16

Sounds wonderful and peaceful. So glad to hear it's going well for you.

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