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Is it ok to have casual sex?

(51 Posts)
secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:43:39

I've recently come out of a difficult relationship and struggled to come to terms at first with what exactly an abusive relationship is. With help & support from close friends and family i saw the light and began a life as a single mum.

Here's where the trouble begins. I've met someone via a work friend & he's really lovely. Now i know at first they all are lovely then they become comfortable and that all changes, but i've known of him for around 2 years but never had the chance to actually KNOW him IYSWIM. Problem is after many chats, cups of coffee & lunches we've become a lot closer. I always have found him attractive but never acted on it. We've been discussing what we want with regards to our love lives. I dont want a relationship yet, i dont think i should hop into being a girlfriend. I'd like some time to be on my own but still like to have someone to be intimate with but nothing attached. He would like to have a no strings relationship & understands if it does look likely to become anything more and im not ready then we would need to step back a little and just be friendly with eachother. What i'm asking is is it ok to have casual sex? We wouldnt be shouting it from the rooftops. No one else need know. But i dont want to come across as a "slag" i guess.

GilmoursPillow Thu 20-Jun-13 17:46:21

I dont see a problem as long as you both want the same thing and as long as you can both be VERY discreet. If it gets out at work it could cause a whole heap of trouble.

In theory, I don't see casual sex between two unattached, consenting adults you don't need me to do the whole safe sex thing, do you as a problem.

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:47:55

Oh god no. We're both well aware of the uproar it would cause if word got out. Tbh i wont be telling a soul nor will he. We dont need other people to know.

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 17:48:06

there's no such thing as a slag. it's a word used to keep women from putting their vaginas wherever the hell they like as opposed to where men would like them to put it.

casual sex is fine. protect yourself from STi's and pregnancy and be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want from it and if your feelings change.

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:48:34

& no the whole safe sex thing is well under control already on my part. Pill for 2 years & counting...

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 20-Jun-13 17:48:42

Theres nothing wrong with it and I wish I could do it.

I always seem to bond with a man emotionally when I've had sex with him and would be interested to find out how not to do this.

GilmoursPillow Thu 20-Jun-13 17:49:26

You need more than the pill - think STDs maybe we do need to have that chat after all LOL

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:49:50

tootdelafruit - thats a very true and blunt way to explain a slag. I hadnt thought of it that way. Obviously if we have to back away that'd be difficult but i think bearing it all in mind & knowing its a good enough reason is ok. Maybe im just really nervous.

StickEmUpPunk Thu 20-Jun-13 17:50:31

Hmm... a work guy. I wouldn't. People see through pretence (hiding), and if it goes weird he's at work.

I talk from experience. I really do

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:50:48

Lol gilmourspillow - i shant be having any fumbles without socks. IYKWIM

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:51:27

Oh no he doesnt work with me i work with someone he knows. Jeez i'd never mix business with pleasure.

GilmoursPillow Thu 20-Jun-13 17:52:06

smile Then I wish you the best of luck and a good time if you decide to go ahead.

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 17:52:50

I think the work thing is the complicator here. but that would be true even if it were a full on committed relationship. you could break up after a year of being properly a couple and it could cause far worse problems in work than casual sex. if you think it might be awkward if you cool things off then maybe explore casual sex with other people first to see how you get on with it- it's not for every one- I cant manage it (and I have tried ALOT! grin).

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:53:44

I've never done this before. I've always been stuck to the ex so its new to me too. I have no idea where to start.

Xales Thu 20-Jun-13 17:54:23

There is nothing wrong with casual sex I am all for it.

The pill is not safe sex. The pill is to prevent pregnancy. It will do bugger all to prevent STIs.

Condoms all the way until you both have STI tests to confirm you are clear.

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 17:55:39

ah cross-posting. that makes it a lot easier- go for it and enjoy it- take care of yourself. smile

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:57:06

Nerves are kicking in.

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 17:57:30

Is there not a book i can read on this kinda thing?

TotallyBursar Thu 20-Jun-13 17:58:24

Toot has put wonderfully what I was going to say. If I could print that on a t-shirt I would!

The only thing about this situation I can foresee is the work connection - if you are able to protect yourself there then...why not?

You can have as much sex as you want, with whomever you want (with the usual caveats) - as long as it doesn't harm you & your emotional recovery from the past.

Enjoy & be happy!

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 17:58:59


have you got his number? just text him to ask him over for a drink tonight/tomorrow night/this weekend and take it from there.

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 18:01:45

Is there not like a manual for this sort of thing?!

GilmoursPillow Thu 20-Jun-13 18:02:12

Then tell us on here what happened. <dried up old hag> grin

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 18:03:20

haha ill come back to you dont worry

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 18:06:08

Am i going to have to start reading the 50 shades books?

TotallyBursar Thu 20-Jun-13 18:07:45

Manual -

Wine - small tot to ease nerves.

Go with the flow & remember he's probably feeling as tingly and nervous as you are.
Don't take things too seriously and enjoy fun with a friend. The ball is in your court.

Most importantly - update!

TotallyBursar Thu 20-Jun-13 18:08:26

For the love of all that's good steer clear of 50 shades.

He might cry!

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 18:09:57

Small tot? I only have pint glasses!!

TotallyBursar Thu 20-Jun-13 18:22:22

Well it all works out -

A tot of rum is 70ml, you get a double ration on special occasions (this totally is) so that's 140ml
factoring in proof then at least one glass, measuring 1 pint, of wine is a definite equivalence.

Just take care you walk the fine line between knickers falling off and knees getting too lubricated. You may have to try this over several sessions...which would be a shame.

StickEmUpPunk Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:03

Oh god sorry!! In that case, Yeh go for it we only live once!!
Good luck wink

secondchances Thu 20-Jun-13 18:30:20

Thank you ladies. You've boosted me, made me giggle and made me promise to come back with gossip all in one thread! flowers

internationallove985 Thu 20-Jun-13 20:05:11

Of course it's okay. Why do you feel you have to ask for approval. It's your body and you can do what you like with it.
I am a single mum but I still have casual sex. I have a friend with benefits, and it works. I am hurting no-one!. xxx

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 20:06:59

It's OK to shag for the sheer fun of it.

But this man is your friend. Would it really be casual sex when it's someone you value?

KristinaFranziska Thu 20-Jun-13 22:31:35

I'd say it depends on a number of things:
Can you separate your emotions from the physical act? Most women are not wired that way.
What values do you have and does it fit with those?
What are the consequences? positive & negative?
Can you handle them?
What if he falls in love?
or you?
And most importantly, how might this affect you in your healing journey?

I noticed your words "the trouble begins"....what's that about?
What are you not aware of?

lovesfastcars Thu 20-Jun-13 22:45:58

Both single , want the same things, fancy each other.
Nope..... Can't see anything wrong with that!
Go for it. Just protect yourself (physically and emotionally iyswim )

shadesofwhite Thu 20-Jun-13 22:50:31

Lurking to see the outcome grin ! I walked into a casual sex+no stings attached thing....turns out I'm hooked emotionally to the hottie! Newly single mum bytheway smile!

Goodluck OP, come back with loads gossip (((hugs)))

secondchances Fri 21-Jun-13 07:40:08

By trouble I meant because its new to me it has so many what if's. I don't know what I'd do if I fell for him. Do I step back?

He's coming over tonight for a few drinks. I'm very nervous, frantically cleaning eventhough there is nothing to clean cause I did it all last night.

TotallyBursar Fri 21-Jun-13 08:11:33

You do what feels right.
It has shades of grey.

Did you feel you would have benefited from the Freedom Programme?

If you have recovered yourself, you can hand on heart say you trust yourself and your instincts and will follow through on those gut feelings then play it by ear.

It's not unheard of for a couple of fwb to find themselves more compatible than they thought and want to give a relationship a try.
Equally it is a very bad idea to continue fwb if one develops unrequited feelings - it never ends well and decimates self esteem. So I would say
1) If you develop romantic feelings for each other but you still feel you aren't ready to be part of a couple - walk away. Trust yourself to do what you need to protect you.
2) If you develop romantic feelings that he doesn't share - walk away. Find either a different fwb or look at finding a man that you would consider as a good partner prospect so you both start with the same expectations.
It's good to have contingencies but don't overthink it!
Fwb is not for everyone and it's as ok to be wrong as it is to be right.

Don't panic! Enjoy tonight, revel in the laughter, excitement, nerves and anticipation of it, enjoy having sex that is just as good for you as for him. And do it again if it's great (or even if it needs a bit more makes perfect and all that wink )

ShabbyButNotChic Fri 21-Jun-13 08:37:41

Use a condom, and crack on!!
Seriously, i did this with a guy at work, for about 18months. We kept it a total secret at work, i only told a couple of trustworthy friends. Nothing has happened between us for 3years now and we still see each other at work everyday, hes also now married with a baby on the way, and im with my partner. We are really good friends and there is no awkwardness between us at all, in fact i regularly forget anything was ever going on, we just feel like good friends.

So it can work smile you just both need to be on the same page, it only gets weird when one starts wanting more. Luckily that didnt happen with us. As for being a 'slag' bollocks to that! Nothing wrong with enjoying yourself, just make sure you are safe smile enjoy!

secondchances Fri 21-Jun-13 16:26:49

He's coming round in an hour. Change of plan! He's bringing dinner whilst I bring the drinks. Now I'm nervous. I could hurl. But I'm so excited too. If you don't hear from me until morning you know it went well.

tootdelafruit Fri 21-Jun-13 16:44:50

good luck! grin

secondchances Fri 21-Jun-13 20:33:08

Currently having a wee (sorry for tmi) but thought I'd update you on my phone. So far so good! grin

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Fri 21-Jun-13 20:43:24

grin Never before I have a seen such a keen update made by an OP while urinating!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Fri 21-Jun-13 20:44:51

While the OP took a pee - not me!

secondchances Sat 22-Jun-13 06:07:13

Ok! grin. brief update because I have work this morning. I'm walking around with a smile like the Cheshire Cat. Having dinner broke the ice, the few drinks we had settled the nerves and everything else just fell into place & it was amazing. There was no "get up & go home" after round 1, or 2 as a matter of fact. We spent hours just cuddling & talking. I wake this morning with a text from him thanking me for last night, he had a great time & enjoyed my company a lot. He's also asked when my next day off is. grin grin

secondchances Sat 22-Jun-13 06:12:14

Haha I had to update you a bit sooner. I didn't want to leave you all waiting!

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 22-Jun-13 06:26:53

Wow! I'm glad you had a great time and hopefully got some hot action.

This sounds suspiciously like the start of a new relationship rather than FWB though wink

lunar1 Sat 22-Jun-13 06:44:19

What accidental said! Glad it went well!

Bant Sat 22-Jun-13 07:19:28

Nice one.

I agree with what bursar said. If I were you before you do it again, if you haven't already, then discuss the ground rules : ie what happens if one of you starts getting attached, what happens about seeing other people (do you want to end up being the OW if he meets someone else?)

Once you agreed on those it can become a regular thing, and if you want it could turn into a relationship. Just make sure you don't get emotionally involved if he is clear he's never going to

shadesofwhite Sat 22-Jun-13 10:54:02

smile glad to hear it went well too! Keep posting away OP grin !

Peachyjustpeachy Sat 22-Jun-13 10:56:13

well, its your body and you can do with it whatever you like....

I think that casual sex is like chocolate...
Its great, fulfilling and fills a need... but you cant rely on it to nourish you

Long term it will make you sick

secondchances Sat 22-Jun-13 15:39:48

We did discuss in more detail last night about scenarios where it could become a problem and he was very honest with me. He said if he started having stronger feelings he'd say because he's not the type to hide it and I said if it turns out that the feelings are strong on one side but not the other are you prepared to back off? He said it'd take time to get used to and it'd be hard but yes if it meant that it didn't cause problems, arguments or distress on the other side. I think that was the main one for us. He knows I don't want a relationship yet but am happy to be in his company and he does make me smile.

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