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I believe in my instinct re DH is lying....

(77 Posts)
rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:00:23

My gut is screaming at me and I hope you can help

Bit of background, 6mtsh ago I found texts on my DH phone of a sexual nature to and from an OW, cue big argument ,DH protested stupidity on his side nothing serious to it ,nothing like that ever happened before (so he said), he said that it was harmless and would never happen again. OW has since moved abroad.

At that time I reacted to quickly and did not have all my cards and he was able to delete everything before I saw full history.

Present day, my gut is screaming at me that there is more and I need to try to find out or I will go insane, well maybe not but you get my drift.

He has an Ipnone which I never get to and I don’t have one so not sure if I can even know how to use it.

Since then I have become very distrustful of him and I now believe he can lie so easily.

He says that he has no email account, this I do not believe as he is very knowledgeable IT wise, so I will come to my point and ask for your help to see if there is there any way for me to find if he has a secrete email account, I am not very technical so I would need your help with this.

We joint use the home desktop which he clears history regularly, any tips on what I should be looking for,I would be most grateful.

I know you will say that if the trust is gone than everything is gone, you are probably right but I will not be made a fool of and I have to believe in what I feel.

If I have left anything out I will answer all your questions.
thanks all.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 13:02:28

Does he spend a lot of time on the computer or his phone? What would his reaction be if you said, "Oh can you lend me your phone a second?"

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:06:30

He spends copious amount of time on both,he has no issue with me using desktop as it is joint owned,he also would pass me the phone for me to ring or text somone but he would hover until I was finished.I could get to it when he is busy somewhere else but would not have much time so would need to know what to look for,but I believe he also uses the PC but deletes what he is looking at ifyswim,is there anyway to recovered deleted history or to check for email account?
thanks Imperial.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Wed 19-Jun-13 13:07:28

Your gut instincts are likely to be right, you know and live with your DH - is he secretive about things? Does he carry his phone around like an iron lung?

Deleting internet history is a bit suss, why would you unless you were hiding something?

I agree, ask to borrow his phone and see what his reaction is.

Maybe he doesn't have an email account if he uses one at work - what does he do for a living?

MortifiedAdams Wed 19-Jun-13 13:08:41

I think with his past history you should just confront him and demand he hands his phone over. Search through it there and then. Maybe google how to search internet history first.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Wed 19-Jun-13 13:09:21

Ah x post re borrowing the phone.

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:10:49

do you share profile on Microsoft computer?
do you have kids?

do you have more than one browser installed? IE, Chrome, Firefox, Opera

if you go on those - is history always cleared?

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:10:56

Hi Mildred, yes iron lung...
He has no email at work, I am 100% sure of this.

If you get evidence, what will you do?
If you find no evidence will you trust him?

I think you have already decided that he is cheating. Do you really need evidence?

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:13:06

only one profile set up on home PC (mine) this is just how we set it when we got it,we both use the same browser (Google) some things will be left but he does delete others and it is the others I am curious about,he just says he is tiding up things...

yes we do have DC (3)

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:13:27

here's a bit on how you can go and check what he visited

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:13:34
rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:15:33

I absolutely need evidence...It is driving me insane ,the mistake I made was in the begining as I believe he only told me what he could get away with.

What will I do?? Yes if I find evidence I will LTB.....

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Wed 19-Jun-13 13:18:26

Found this, might be useful:

For Windows XP, Internet Explorer's history is kept in a per-user directory underneath "\Documents and Settings". Assuming a default locations, that would be:

c:\Documents and Settings\Username\Local Settings\History
"The easiest way is to simply recover the contents of that directory, including all subdirectories, from a recent backup."
"Username" would be replaced by your login user name. So mine, for example, would be "c:\Documents and Settings\LeoN\Local Settings\History".

Note: the "History" directory is marked "invisible" by default, so it's likely that you won't find it by default. You'll need to enable viewing hidden files in Windows Explorer, or searching for Hidden Files when you perform a search.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 13:18:46

Do you think he might be phoning her from his car? If you do, PM me as I was told what to do in those circumstances by a private investigator (just in chatting, not something I've done.)

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:18:57

it is Chrome, bless Google snooping on us ;)

Each copy of Chrome comes with it's own unique client ID which means that Google can identify your copy of Chrome each time that you use it. They store your history and can trace it back to your machine regardless of the internet connection, ip address or proxy used. If you really want your web history and have a legal reason for obtaining it they can provide it.

and more

however now you should read those using Private Browsing smile

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:20:01

I suggest if you can go to your friends home and learn how to use those so you are confident - what version of Windows do you use?

Betrayedbutsurvived Wed 19-Jun-13 13:21:47

If you can get hold of his I phone check his email app on there. If he has an email account he'll almost certainlyhave it connected. Again, on his iphone, open the safari app and just tap the search box, this will list recent searches, or tap on the cloud ( top left) to see the last few web pages visited. Assuming he's not deleted of course!

qme Wed 19-Jun-13 13:22:44

true - he may have app on his phone (yahoo etc) where he accesses it every time

Betrayedbutsurvived Wed 19-Jun-13 13:25:19

Just realised, you need an email address to create an iTunes account, and without an iTunes account, an iphone is practically useless.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 13:27:06

Unless you're going to install snooper software on both his phone and desktop - and any other PC he has access to, you are SOOL.

If you feel that way there are really three options.

Ask him: but if he says no, will you believe him
Spend money investigating him - but if he gets a clean bill, will you believe that
Investigate yourself - in which case you need to establish things like what sort of browser he uses, whether any passwords are stored. You may find cookies or passwords although if he's IT aware they won't be there. If you find nothing, will you believe it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Jun-13 13:28:20

Even if you find nothing at all - even if you find concrete evidence that he's sworn an oath of celibacy - you won't trust him. That's when you know it's dead

SickOfYourShit Wed 19-Jun-13 13:33:15

Betrayed is right. Need an email account to set up the iPhone.

rainbowfeet Wed 19-Jun-13 13:34:11

You automatically have to set up an email acc on an iPhone.... Called icloud so you can receive messages from apple. But it can also be used like any other email account.

just to'd be well within your rights to leave if this feeling of distrust and uncertainty gets too much for you anyway. You don't behave the way he behaved full stop, whether you're having a affair or 'just' dirty talking to other people.

(and to be honest, if you ask to see his messages/emails right that instant and he refuses then that's your proof really. Especially if you explain to him that if he refuses then you'll take it as a given that he has something to hide. Sounds petty/extreme but he can't expect you to trust him straight away when he's been so shady in the past and still seems to be secretive with his phone).

Dackyduddles Wed 19-Jun-13 13:43:02

You sound determined to find something. You believe him guilty so to my mind are feeding your instincts.

I don't trust him....he must have done something.....I don't trust him.....I must be right.....he's hiding it...he must be as I haven't found anything....I don't trust him....

This is basically what I'm hearing. Instinct has nothing to do with it

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 13:43:56

You can leave anyway, if he's making you unhappy, and it certainly sounds as if he is.

Just as an aside, if you do ask him right this second for his messages and emails and he complies, and you find nothing:

i) will it make you believe him
ii) will it improve your relationship

I'd guess no to both.
If your relationship is unhappy, and you can't see a convincing way forward, then by all means LTB. He may decide he doesn't see how you will ever believe him, that the trust is irretrievably gone and LTB alternatively.

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 13:49:25

yes I agree and understand that maybe it is my own mind that is feeding my instincts, but before I make any decision I have to try and find out , I owe it to myself.If I find nothing and I still dont regain the trust in time than I will need to look futher at myelf.
thanks for all of the suggestions I will try and get fimilar with some of this.

lemonstartree Wed 19-Jun-13 13:55:05

I do not believe for a single minute that he does not have email. My 8 year old has an email account ; EVERYONE has an email account (apart from my 97 year old blind grandmother) Does he think you are stupid ?

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 14:02:23

yes Lemon, sad but true I do think he does think I am stupid,I am not so stupid now I am going to build my knowledge and go from there..

Key logger software is sneaky but works. Only ever to be used if the relationship is game over all bar the proof. I used one, refog or something, which had a 3 day free trial. It was long enough to get XH's passwords and I got my proof that way.
There is no coming back from spying like that, don't do it if you are just curious/insecure/nosy. It's pretty unforgivable.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 19-Jun-13 14:14:20

His iphone is the key I'm sure.

If you double click the home button (circle button) the apps he has recently used will pop up on the bottom of the screen.

If you can hold of his phone that is.

I've been in this position and it's awful, my dp had been cheating.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 19-Jun-13 14:20:18

Has must have set up his iphone via iTunes on your desktop? Ask him how he managed to set this up without an email address, should be interesting.

rincereuserecycle Wed 19-Jun-13 14:26:00

the penny has has he twitter,facebook..with no email,in my defense I never questioned any of this as I trusted him.

Teeb Wed 19-Jun-13 14:27:12

He must have an email account. If he has ever bought anything online, ever joined a forum, ever used facebook then he will have an email address. It really is insulting your intelligence to make out that he hasn't got an email address op.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Wed 19-Jun-13 14:47:36

How long ago did you ask him about having an email account?

You need to get on his phone if possible - does he take it to the bathroom when he has a shit/shower? Is he a light sleeper? Could you pretend you want to play angry birds while having a very long session on the toilet?

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 14:50:59

What, he's got FB and Twitter?
He's having you over, pet.

You don't need any more evidence thany that. "You're a liar, tosspot. Pack your bags" sounds like the next step.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 14:54:55

hmm at "pet". Sorry about that.

SickOfYourShit Wed 19-Jun-13 16:07:58

I wouldn't question him further until you e had chance to check everything.

lovesfastcars Wed 19-Jun-13 16:18:14

It is possible to view even deleted emails and the first couple of lines on an iPhone using a function called spotlight search, which is quick and easy. It is how I finally got to the truth about my H s affair.
To enable it (if not already on as it is usually on as a default setting) click on the square marked settings, then click on 'general' then click on 'spotlight search'
You will then get a list of things up on the screen. Click on email and messages (so a tick appears next to them) unless they are already ticked.
Now if you go back to the original home screen, swipe to the right, and click the 'search' box and enter a common letter (e.g a)
All emails and texts (even deleted ones) should appear in list form .
If you want to be more specific, type in 'love' that was a shock for me, I can tell you!
Good luck x

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 18:24:27

Lovesfastcars, I was with you until you said, "Now if you go back to the original home screen, swipe to the right, and click the 'search' box..."

What do you mean by the original home screen? It's a new phone for me and I'm still playing around with it.

SickOfYourShit Wed 19-Jun-13 18:38:14

Love means... Swipe to the right etc...
When you're on the main screen on the phone, you scroll to the left and you see pages of icons and apps etc.
But if you're on the main screen and scroll to the right, a search box comes up and a keyboard to enter a search on the phone

clam Wed 19-Jun-13 18:40:10

By scrolling to the right, they mean move your thumb to the right, and the screen will shift to the left, giving you a blank-ish page with a search bar at the top.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Jun-13 18:42:31

Sorry, got it - I was swiping the wrong way! I wondered what that keyboard was for - didn't realise it was for searching the phone.


AnyFucker Wed 19-Jun-13 18:54:53

If he deletes some things and not others that is pretty damning, IMO

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Jun-13 19:45:03

The other issue is private browsing in Chrome. If he's opened it in incognito (porn) mode there may not be much tracked there.

I tend to delete stuff like crazy - not so much history, but cookies.

lovesfastcars Wed 19-Jun-13 20:13:07

Yes, sorry I wasn't too clear in my explanation. The display only shows a couple of lines of the text messages (sent and received) of deleted texts, but all email content if u click on any email displayed.
Once the search function is set up, it takes only seconds to swipe and search quickly anytime you get the chance.
Deleting them permanantly is time consuming and a bit of a faff. Plus not many people realise that they remain as data in the phone even after being deleted.
I scared the shit out of my DH explaining this function to him in detail while holding his phone. He had smugly handed it over thinking he had deleted a whole load of incriminating crap! Wanker! He works in IT too!
Hope this proves useful to someone else.

Lavenderhoney Wed 19-Jun-13 20:25:52

Do you know her name? If so, and you can get in his phone, assuming he hasn't got a code on it to open it, put in the code. Sweep your finger to the right. Type her name in the box. Anything ever sent will come up. Its a search function for the whole phone , text, email etc.

You can even type xx and see if anything comes up.

He has got email. You can't open twitter and fb or have an iPhone without it.

The app for mail is at the bottom, called mail. Tap it and email accounts will come up.

bonbonpixie Wed 19-Jun-13 21:24:31

Look at his phone when he is in the shower.
Did this once with an ex when it clicked that he was sleeping with the phone under his pillow and wouldn't let me near it. He forgot about the shower though....

Tortington Wed 19-Jun-13 21:27:46

i'd hide the phone just before he went to work. so he had to go to work and look for it when he came home.

Locketjuice Wed 19-Jun-13 21:46:58

Was just about to post same as everyone else, it doesn't show everything typing in the search bar so I wouldn't use that as your only way of finding evidence

Also if you go to settings..safari.. Advanced.. Website data.
It will tell you all websites visited people generally just delete from
History rather than from settings so you would be able to see everything he has been on might be a clue there?

2712 Wed 19-Jun-13 22:14:08

I don't think he would be stupid enough to do anything suspiscious on the PC, purely because he knows you use it too.
It is his phone that will have all his movements on.
However, if he is using stuff such as private messaging, you've got no hope.
You need to ask yourself if you want to stay in a relationship where you feel the need to snoop, do you?

Have you made your own facebook page, maybe you can search for him on there, he probably doesn't have it hidden well if he thinks he's convinced you he doesn't have email, facebook and twitter.

smaths Thu 20-Jun-13 09:01:50

Be careful if you hide the phone as suggested above... There are "find my iphone" apps which you can login to from another device (eg desktop conputer) search for your phone if it has data connection still active and make it emit a loud noise to help find it. Could be awkward if you stashed it somewhere and he found it.

rincereuserecycle Thu 20-Jun-13 12:05:38

Hi Guys

Firstly I want to say thanks to each and everyone of you.

Well got the phone for a full half hour this morning & not good,in fact very very bad...what I saw was every partners worst nightmare but dont want to put to many details on here , I just wanted to let you know the outcome.
I have sent myself everything I can and taken pics of the rest.
Need to plan for the exit now.

Bogeyface Thu 20-Jun-13 12:08:08

Does he know that you know yet?

Best not to tell him until you have your plan in place. Then perhaps you could say "Can I just borrow your phone? I want to show you something....."

Locketjuice Thu 20-Jun-13 12:36:39

I take it by your reply.. You found why you were looking for, I would keep quiet pack whoevers stuff will be leaving and wait for him to return show him everything and leave it there. I was in a similar situation and he still lied he still tried getting out of it and took 2 weeks to confess so don't expect him to admit the while lot just because you have the evidence some men really think they can get away with it even after you have all the proof you need unfortunately xx

Hope you ok wine xx

OneMoreChap Thu 20-Jun-13 12:37:04

Bogeyface I like that approach grin

Bogeyface Thu 20-Jun-13 12:48:18

Locket is right, thats why I suggested waiting until you have your plan ready to go. You will always get people who will deny no matter how much evidence you have, because they are so convinced of their own cleverness that they are sure they will be able to explain it away. I am often amused at the outrage that comes out when they realise they have been caught banged to rights, as if it is the faithful spouses fault for looking and not their own for cheating. I have seen that on MN a lot and my friend is currently going through it with her cheating ex. He has maintained all along that if she had respected his privacy they would still be together so therefore the break up is her fault, not his. Beggars belief doesnt it?

AnyFucker Thu 20-Jun-13 12:50:32

I am sorry, love

lovesfastcars Thu 20-Jun-13 13:10:33

Oh no, so sorry. It is really bloody horrible isn't it.
Just a quick point. If u sent stuff (emails or forwarded texts to yourself ) did you delete those from 'sent'? If not then he will be able to see them in his 'sent' box.
Thinking of you at this horrible time. Lots of support on here if you need/want it x

Aww that is sad, get yourself and kids sorted then show him what you found, no denying it then, although he'll probably try.

ladylambkin Thu 20-Jun-13 20:23:03

Always trust your gut instinct. Very sorry to hear your bad news

Tortington Thu 20-Jun-13 20:36:24


lovesfastcars Thu 20-Jun-13 22:35:25

Are you ok Rince? Just wondered how you are doing.

DIddled Thu 20-Jun-13 22:39:10

Jesus!!! Hand holding here- so sorry. When you say exit- I assume you mean his exit when you kick his pathetic cheating arse out the door?? Xxx

Bogeyface Fri 21-Jun-13 00:27:29

I am wondering if you are ok too Rince

Worrying that he has found her internet history and passworded the PC sad

Lavenderhoney Fri 21-Jun-13 04:56:09

Oh nosad Hope you are ok, op

rincereuserecycle Fri 21-Jun-13 09:02:23

Hi Guys,thanks for thinking of me.
how am I? I suspect you can guess,I am numb,sad,sick,heartbroken and all the rest.
I cant get my head arround an exit plan,everthing I think of wont work,but I am sure my head is all over the place at the moment and I cant think straight.
Some facts & you may be able to help me make a plan.
House joint owned in neg equity.Neither of us could afford it on our own,very little savings...both work full time but like other families our money is taken up with 3 DC in childcare ,morgage,bills etc...

I need to protect my children,I was a homeless child due to disfunctional parents and there is no way I will let that happen to mine..xx

lovesfastcars Fri 21-Jun-13 11:10:53

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I know only too well the barrage of emotions you are describing. I remember sitting alone downstairs for hours in the middle of the night quite literally in shock, barely able to think, breathe, move, heart racing etc. It really was incredibly hard and traumatic.

I know it's really hard, but now is the time to be really kind and gentle with yourself while you begin processing all of this. Very baby steps indeed. Everything is all about you now, you and your children.
Take some time to just get through the next few days/ weeks initially. Does he know you have found out yet?
Don't feel under any pressure to make any decisions about anything yet, all in good time. I found it much easier to cope after confiding in a trusted friend, and asking him to leave while I tried to get my head round all the hideousness.
Do you have anyone in RL who you can trust and get support from? Can you maybe see your GP also? Mine was excellent, and signed me off work for a couple of weeks as I really was a complete mess.
I am not great at advice and support like many others on here, but I really can empathise and will be thinking of you.
I promise that it does get both better and easier, although the road is a tough one xx

Lavenderhoney Fri 21-Jun-13 16:29:47

Does he know you know? And are you going to tell him you know?

Would he leave if you asked him? And are you absolutely sure its over between you and you want to divorce as then you can make a plan.

- see a solicitor for your free first session or more than one for how it stands with the house and how to split up
- cab for advice
- I'm sure I have seen on mn recently a link to a benefits calculator and I can't link on my iPad but you could google it.
- start to sort all revelant paperwork.

Take care of yourself too

qme Fri 21-Jun-13 18:08:45

would it be at all possible to rent out one room to get some income from it?

Locketjuice Fri 21-Jun-13 23:08:54

How's things x

Locketjuice Tue 25-Jun-13 20:33:15


sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 20:58:07

He's hiding something trust your instinct I checked my husbands an found stuff i didn't like something told me to check.
Check his phone this will eat away at you

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:14:09

Sorry read the thread sad men are such wankers hope your ok op?

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