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Don't know where to turn anymore

(67 Posts)
Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:40:00

Have name changed for this. I feel so low today I have contemplated taking tablets and putting an end to it all. My BF has basically done a character assisination on me and I feel like utter shit. I did something to piss him off over the last couple of days moaning about arrangements we made which caused big row for which i later aplogised and said he didnt deserve what i said. all seemed ok until i had another downer and complained about the cost of household bills ( he stays over a few times a week I pay bills but he contributes to food)

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit, snapping at me saying I've got to change and sitting and watching me cry. I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving.

It's like he has to punish me. He's threatened that I'm pushing him away then said hel never leave. I feel so low I can't describe it. I even found myself saying to him that I don't know who to turn to and I felt I can't be the person he wants. If I say to him " am I really that bad" he says " to be honest yes"

I'm a useless no good piece of rubbish well that's how I'm feeling today.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:44:25

You're not rubbish, but you need to bin this man. You might be surprised how much happier you'll feel a few months down the line.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:49:55

But it might be my fault in which case I'd have this problem with the next person. It's hard to give a full account on here of what happens so nobody hears his side as such. I just don't see why he has to make me feel so wretched what the hell is wrong with me. I feel so weak and I'm scared of losing him

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 16:50:54

First of all, don't do anything awful. Phone the Samaritans if you need to.

He is completely emotionally abusing you. You need to tell him to get out of your life, and mean it. I hate the default setting of LTB, but this one is most definitely not a keeper.

I'm pleased to read that you are not married, and he doesn't live you. That will make it easier. Honestly, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and never contact you ever again. If he doesn't, phone the police.

How dare he treat you like that? angry

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:52:57

Dearjackie, it's not your fault, how could he be? Do you force him to sit there, insulting you and watching you cry? Or does he choose to do that, when a decent man would comfort and reassure you? Seriously, get rid.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:53:18

Like what please point out to me what he's done wrong. I know that sounds insane but I can't see anymore.

Even reading your replies is making me cry

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 16:54:11

Scared of losing him? You'd be doing yourself a favour. Whether it's your fault or not (and he sounds like he is gaslighting you), you are not a good match.

Once rid, spend some time on your own working out who you are and what you want. You need to think about how this happened, was he always this abusive, or did it escalate? Were there red flags that in retrospect you realise were there, but you ignored? If so, why did you ignore them?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 16:54:25

But would every man comfort if I'd upset them too?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 16:56:49

A decent man would comfort you if you were still upset, even if you had royally pissed them off. Because a decent man would realise his reaction was distressing to you, and he'd be sorry.

This one just sneers at you and enjoys your sobbing. You don't need that.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 16:58:56

You need to read the links on the emotional abuse. This man is running rings around you and you can't see straight - no wonder you're in a bad way.

I felt like you did for the best part of two years - the relationship ended and voila, I'm not suicidal anymore.

It's not you, it's him. Really.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:01:58

I don't want to face the fact he's not treating me right because he's all I've got and most of the time he does treat me right. He just can't stand it if get insecure or get down and take anything out on him

BerylStreep Tue 18-Jun-13 17:03:40

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. So he has manufactured a reason to criticise you for no reason.

It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He has you grovelling to him and apologising, even when you're not at fault. That's someone who needs to be in a dominant position.

He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit yet he does. Because he knows what he is saying is lies, it's not your fault - he's created this smokescreen.

sitting and watching me cry I'll bloody bet he enjoys the feeling of power and superiority watching you cry.

I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving. Why on earth would he be forgiving? He has carefully engineered things for you to feel as if it is your fault and he is enjoying watching you feel wretched.

It's like he has to punish me. Got it in one. He is a sadistic bully.

If I say to him "am I really that bad" he says "to be honest yes" Don't believe him. This is not your fault. Do you think he would give a flying fuck if you ended your life because of his actions? Of course not - he would just find another person to torture. That's what he is doing to you - torturing you.

Whocansay Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:38

If you were that bad, why does he stay? It sounds as if he's thoroughly enjoying torturing you. You don't have to put up with it though.

If you're worried that you may be the problem (which I doubt) why not get some counselling? Take some time to work on yourself and think about why you feel that you're at fault.

Personally, I think after a couple of weeks away from this man, you'll suddenly feel hugely better. He sounds truly nasty.


OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:42

He treats you right when you are compliant. When you disagree with him and say so, he shouts at you, sulks, insults you and watches you cry.

You can't be totally compliant with him 24/7, because you're a human being, not an automaton.

You do not deserve to be shouted at like this. This is not a healthy relationship, he does not make you happy. Look at yourself, do you want to feel like this every day?

There will be a decent man for you in the future. But you won't find him as long as you're with this loser.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 17:05:57

He isn't all you've got, these men just make you think they're all you have - its how they hold onto you while behaving despicably. He treats you right some of the time because he has to, you wouldn't stay, but you deserve more.

I take it he never gets down or insecure or takes anything out on you ever ever?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:06:09

God reading he is running rings around me makes me feel a total fool. I'm just unhappy in all aspects of my life. I do get very down and a bit paranoid around the time of my period and have explained this but he doesn't always make allowances. My job is not enjoyable at the moment and I know I winge about it to him but he later throws it back at me like today when he said he's sick of me taking it out on him. Not sure what he means I just need to offload sometimes

glastocat Tue 18-Jun-13 17:08:26

He sounds horrible! Please don't do anything silly, I guarantee if you got away from this man you would soon feel a whole lot better. Your partner is meant to make you happy, not belittle and blame you and make you feel like shit! The way he is talking to you is just awful, honestly!

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:09:59

You could be describing me and my situation, sweetheart.

I considered the same at the weekend - a big cry for help.

Be grateful that you arent married to him nor have any commitments ie. house/kids.


Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 17:11:17

Why can't I see it then? Why? All I can see is how I feel, totally wretched in every way.

I keep thinking I must have upset hiim for him to behave like this to me as he's just bought tickets for a show I wanted to see so I don't think he wants to end it

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:12:00
DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:12:43

Sorry posted too soon.

Pls talk to someone friend/family/doctor - I am doing so and it helps. He is so not worth your pain/distress.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 17:13:58

It doesn't matter whether he wants to end it or not. You can end it yourself. Just tell him to pack any "stuff" and leave, returning your keys if he has a set. Then close the door, delete his numbers from your phone, and buy your own tickets for shows.

You can do this.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 17:15:43

Do not feel like a fool dearjackie

EA is a well designed campaign to manipulate you. You shouldn't have to be on your guard with your partner. You should be able to love and trust them.

You can't see it because you're in it and you are attached to him. You don't want to think he's a bastard. But eventually you'll see it, the scales will fall and you won't unknow it.

Honestly, when mine left I thought it was the end of the world but I knew he was EA and within weeks, I was my old self. Best thing ever him leaving.

DotCottonsHairnet Tue 18-Jun-13 17:15:51

Oldlady - thank you. I am taking small steps - moving soon and now friends and family know more and more they are helping me loads - friends who I can literally call at any time and are being brilliant. I just flipped at the weekend - stuff just got to much - am guessing it being Fathers Day compounded how I was feeling.

tripecity Tue 18-Jun-13 17:54:47

he sounds foul OP, really horrible, you sound like hes worn you down so low you cant believe you can live without him. But from a complete strangers POV, he sounds really awful and you would be much better off without him

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 19:37:47

He's not like this to me unless I upset him and then not all the time. I just don't know if I'm coming or going or if its partly my fault. Take this afternoon there was a problem with my car he took over straight away trying to sort it even though I never asked him to. Then after a while it seemed like he got fed up of sorting it and said I would need to take over and speak to people about it not him all the time. Also he said " what would you do if I wasn't around?"

After the nastiness and my crying this morning he said come and give me a hug then tried to suggest going upstairs, well of course I wasn't up for that and he seemed to make an impatient gesture and suddenly not be as nice again. God this is awful but I still feel I love him. What am I going to do?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 19:50:01

I also feel really clingy and insecure now and I hate it. Plus I think he knows I'm feeling this way and he's not doing much to reassure me even though he complains he hates how I behave when I'm insecure. It seems as though he actually feeds it sometimes

ElizabethX Tue 18-Jun-13 19:51:55

Fuck, bin him, he sounds awful.

When you were 15 you hung out with guys you fancied because it was fun, there's more to it than that but you need that too.

I'd unload the arse and take charge.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 19:54:47

I know I know but why the hell is it so hard. It's like I'm not sure of my own thoughts anymore. Whatever I say to him when he's character assassinating me just gets the reply " that's it its always back to you , fuck how I'm feeling" and I always wonder if he's got a point

ImperialBlether Tue 18-Jun-13 19:58:45

The thing is that he doesn't live there. I live alone and if someone was sitting here criticising me like that, I'd ask/tell them to leave. Similarly, if I was in someone else's house and they were really pissing me off, I'd tell them I was leaving - not in a passive aggressive way, just that I'd sleep in my own bed that night. It's interesting he stays - maybe you need to think about that and also consider why you don't tell him to get out, even if it's just for the evening.

AgathaF Tue 18-Jun-13 20:04:49

He sounds awful, really awful. You don't have to take this shit from him. You can leave him. You don't even have to give him a long and reasoned explanation of why. It is enough to say that you are unhappy with the relationship.

I would suggest you speak to Women's Aid. You need to actually talk this through with someone who understands.

Have you anyone close to you who could offer you some support? Anyone you could stay with for a couple of nights to think things through?

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 20:09:09

He sounds really awful because you don't see the good side and I did start things the other night. But something is wrong I know it. Why don't I know what's right or wrong anymore and even when I think I do why am I so doubtful of my own feelings

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 20:24:03

You're at really early days of figuring out all is not well. But don't worry. Doubting your own feelings is a consequence of the treatment you've had. The thing is, I'm sure the highs are high but the lows, low. That seems to be how these relationships work. It's addictive. You end up suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Really, read some of the links on the EA thread, lurk on there or post. It will clarify and youll have people who empathise with you.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 20:48:34

I feel controlled

MissStrawberry Tue 18-Jun-13 20:55:12

That's because you are.

Your posts are screaming out to me that this man is a total abusive bully and always will be. Get out just get the fuck out. You will be so much happier without this man sucking any enjoyment of life out of you. Kill yourself over someone who isn't even a decent man? No, you deserve better. Believe it.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:30

If you feel controlled, listen to that feeling and don't let go. Please do some research on this. You have got to save yourself.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 21:04:35

I felt so embarrassed when he was having a go at me this morning or in his words " telling me how bad I treat him and make him feel like a punchbag" the windows were open and I was saying " shush" because of my neighbours, his reply was " no fuck it I don't care I'm not being a punchbag anymore"

I'm grateful for all replies but the thing is how do any of you know I'm not behaving badly, maybe he has a reason why he's been like this?

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 21:07:28

Please stop blaming yourself. It it was you, wouldn't he have broken up with you?

You're the one saying shush, he's the one swearing. What does that tell you?

AgathaF Tue 18-Jun-13 21:31:25

We don't need to know anything. You are unhappy. You feel controlled. You don't like how he speaks to you (not surprising, really). That is enough to call time on it.

A good relationship should make you feel good, cherished, able to tackle stuff, positive etc. Yours doesn't appear to.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 21:40:45

But am I unhappy because of the way I behave which makes him react like this?

MNiscold Tue 18-Jun-13 22:01:45

No!! How he reacts is on him; not you. Please - you've got all these people telling you already he's controlling you, he's emotionally abusing you - please listen to them. I know it's hard. I know he can be kind at times. But he's not for you. Let him control someone else. You feel this bad for a reason: your whole being is trying to tell you to end this relationship.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 22:09:05

I can sort of see he's emotionally abusing and then there's like a fog that clouds it all and I find it hard to believe. It's so hard I sound sooo pathetic. I'm no spring chicken and a person with a professional job yet I let someone treat me like this and it makes me feel more clingy and dependant

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:11:55

A fog is exactly what it is. I'm also professional and have lots of qualifications - means jack shit, it can happen to anyone. There's some proper smart women on the EA thread who all have experienced what you have.

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 22:17:17

I know but it just makes you feel so low and such a fool. So difficult to tell people in RL the full extent of what goes on too because I think they'd be aghast. Tbh I think I've stopped saying things because their reactions would make me realize I HAD to end it so why aren't my hurt feelings now enough to make me realise I HAVE to end it? Do I doubt what is happening? Do I think he has a point in some things he says? Do I not value myself and value him more?

I'm a mess

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:23:53

Your feelings aren't hurt enough because it's a survival mechanism. Believe me , the hangover you'll feel from this will be ugly as it hits you like a tonne of bricks. Do you not value yourself? Probably not - your self esteem is being trampled over. Do you value him? Likely, he's trained you to put him first and your boundaries over what you accept are all over the shop.

I stopped saying things too. When I sat down and told my sister everything, she was horrified. Again, this is part of the drill. You feel disloyal, you minimise it etc.

You can be ok xxx

Dearjackie Tue 18-Jun-13 22:32:16

COLIN thank you so much for your support and everyone's comments, it helps to know I'm not mad and probably not this awful person he's put me down as. I'm mad at myself for not defending myself today but he was particularly horrible and I felt crushed. He must have seen that but it had no effect.

Going to try to sleep now. Will check in again tomorrow

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Jun-13 22:44:04

You're not mad and you're not an awful person. He knows how to hurt you, and he chooses to do just that. I hope you can gain the strength to boot him out, but know this can take time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, perhaps have a wander around the Women's Aid website and a wee look at this book.

Sleep well.

ColinButterfly Tue 18-Jun-13 22:44:53

No worries. Don't be mad at yourself, use that anger to get the hell out. I promise you it will get better if you leave. Get reading the EA stuff and make a plan. Goodnight.

Just found this thread.

Hope OP comes back, how draining this must be for her.

What a vile, cruel person he is sad angry

lemonandice Wed 19-Jun-13 18:32:39

He's abusing you, OP. If you really were "that bad", he'd have left you. Instead he's just getting his kicks pushing you into the mud.

I also had a partner like this. Everything was my fault, if I acted appropriately then he'd have had no need to shout/swear/cry, and I had to take responsibility for making him feel that bad.

Eventually, I wised up, but it took a while. Incredibly, my mental health issues mysteriously cleared up, I got my friends back, I started enjoying life again. But, it took me realising and accepting that actually, how he felt wasn't my responsibility, and nor was it my fault.

You don't deserve this. You are worth so much more, and it sounds like you're starting to know it. If you feel like you can't tell people in real life because they'd be too shocked, I think you know deep down it's not you that's at fault. So what if you're insecure- he should be helping you by valuing you, not putting you down for it.

Please don't feel like a fool- abuse like this happens behind all sorts of doors. It happened to me and I have a PhD, for example. Stay and lurk, and take note how in so many of the EA threads, you're seeing yourself.

OctopusPete8 Wed 19-Jun-13 18:41:46

Next time he says 'no-one would put up with this' call his bluff, tell him to get out ,

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 18:41:49

Hi thank you all. Have been at work all day and have a mega headache now, probably a result of yesterday. I think I need to get away from him but in a way I'm a bit scared I don't think he'l take it easily.

We have kind of separated before, after rows he would leave me sometimes for a day and the longest was 10 days. I never contacted him despite being hurt he would eventually come back when he thought I'd learned my lesson I guess. Anyway once I didn't care if we got back together my feelings had all but gone. He worked on me until I agreed to try again. Thing is when he was trying to get me back he would veer from persuasation to being upset but then to being really quite angry and a bi threatening, for example saying how dare I after all he'd done for me, he'd put me and my family first ect

I just know its gonna be difficult

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 18:45:41

OCTOPUS it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him don't put up with it then and I know he would have got up and left. But he wouldn't have meant it and it would just be as a punishment for a few days maybe. I can't believe how entrenched in all this I am

clam Wed 19-Jun-13 18:52:57

I've not read a thread in a long time that has made me quite so angry as this.
How DARE he? He's done a right number on you, darling, hasn't he?

Listen to me: It's. Not. You. It's. Him.

Now bin him. PLEASE.

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 19:00:22

Yes he has done a number on me. I still believe he loves me even after all that's happened so that's how messed my head is. Why do people behave this way. I suppose because he's found an idiot who allowed it

YellowTulips Wed 19-Jun-13 19:37:59

It's not love. It's control. It's withholding comfort and affection to make you crave it. Make you humble yourself to please him.

Real love is freely given - without strings. You love just because you do.

Please stop thinking "what did I do wrong" and focus on "why did he behave like that?"

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 19:50:40

he wouldn't have meant it and it would just be as a punishment for a few days maybe you wouldn't have to let him back, you know. He's done a good job on you, but you are starting to realise that. With that knowledge comes your power. Use it to make a better life for yourself.

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 19:57:59

Agatha what I meant by that was I didn't want to face all that thing of him going then the phonecalls, discussions ect so somehow it was easier at the time not to reach that point again. Does that make sense

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 21:25:21

It does jackie. I was just saying that you don't have to engage in discussion with him if you don't want to, or take his calls, or open the door to him. You have choices too, although he is trying his hardest to remove those from you.

BerylStreep Wed 19-Jun-13 21:32:52

So you are staying with him because you can't bear to go through the harassment?

Understandable, I know what the relentless harassment, phone calls, letters, calling at the door, calling work feels like. But believe me, getting free is worth it. The legislation these days is much better, and gives much more protection.

Once you tell him it is over, change your number if you have to. Don't open any letters. If he turns up, tell him you will call the police, and if he doesn't go, then phone them.

Do you have DC?

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 21:40:49

I just feel like I have a massive amount on my plate that I don't have enough left to deal with a breakup. Am finally going through divorce after long marriage and there's a pension issue to deal with. I have bad health issues 2 long term chronic conditions that aren't bad enough to be pensioned off work but bad enough to make every day a struggle physically. I have to work almost full time to pay mortgage and bills. Children are adult and son off to uni end of year

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 21:42:18

Good grief lass.. you don't live with him, he makes you feel like shit in your own house and to want to slit your throat to boot (!).

Tell him to do one and if he comes near you again you'll ring the police ^^ and do just that.

I did the harassment thing and you know what? It ends!

Why are you wasting time on this loser when the person who might treat you right is out there somewhere? Seriously, life is far too short!

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 21:45:23

Right.. so you have a lot to deal with. Make him a priority and then you can deal with the other stuff. He's a winnit who will make you miserable in the long term.

Treat him like you would a wart on the end of your nose. Get the swine frozen off. Just try and see him like an irritation than a breakup. Or this time next year, you may be trying to get him out of your house.

AgathaF Wed 19-Jun-13 22:14:02

You know, you would probably find coping with the other stuff in your life a lot easier if you didn't have this millstone of a man around your neck dragging you down.

BerylStreep Wed 19-Jun-13 22:24:07

I agree Agatha.

I feel quite raw today, as I have been dealing with the after effects of a lady who committed suicide at the weekend. She had two almost grown up children - 18 and 21.

OP, don't ever let this dickhead make you feel like that ever again. sad

Dearjackie Wed 19-Jun-13 22:27:58

BERYL I'm sorry to hear that, makes my problems seem insignificant

I don't feel like that today but have to say it crossed my mind yesterday when he was in full flow

BerylStreep Thu 20-Jun-13 16:12:10

DearJackie, I'm glad you don't feel like that now. It's awful that he made you feel like that at all.

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