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DP doesn't want to marry me, moved out we continued a relationship now he says he doesn't want to go on holiday either

(88 Posts)
Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 22:31:26

I met my DP 9 yrs ago, we had an affair and he left his wife and went back shortly after, we didn't speak for 2 yrs, he got a job away from home and made contact after some soul searching I went to see him and we became a couple, he moved near me in his own house 4 yrs ago. When his tenancy was up we decided to move in together and he lived with me. He had asked me to marry him. After a year he moved out, he said he didn't want to marry me and didn't think we would go the distance! I was sad but also partly relieved having lived alone for 12 yrs being with someone full time who worked from home was stifle-ing. This wasn't a deal breaker and we decided to carry on seeing each other at weekends which was more suited to me and my lifestyle.I thought we could, as a mature couple I'm 48 DP 56 have a nice life as a couple together living apart. When he moved out I decided to go on holidays with friends as when he lived with me with his work schedule and lack of money because his wife is still in their home having all bills and mortgage being paid! he didn't have funds. Now trying to get him to go on a holiday together he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday with me! The thing is we have a great time when it's the 2 of us and we have a great sex life and same humour etc. My sister thinks he is "tight" with money and a control freak and that I pander to him and he sucks me in. Do I stay with him and redefine our relationship or move on, I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if this is enough. Writing this out I'm uncomfortable with how this makes me look, I'm a professional manager but reading back I come across as a put upon woman! assistance appreciated

Doha Mon 17-Jun-13 22:45:52

Life is too short for this crap.

Move on OP and find someone who actually wants to do things with you

grobagsforever Mon 17-Jun-13 22:47:23

You'll get no sympathy here. Jog on.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Jun-13 22:48:37

He sounds horrible, and you sound deluded

he is still living with his realise that, don't you ?

Triumphoveradversity Mon 17-Jun-13 22:50:14

He sounds like a total wanker and you are a doormat. Why on earth would a mature woman allow herself to be used, I'm with your dsis.

Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 23:13:42

He's not living with his wife , but I know she's making the most of putting him thru a guilt trip, giving her money and then saying to me he can't afford a holiday. I wasn't expecting not wanted sympathy, I could have omitted the fact we had an affair 9 yrs ago and when he went back I left him alone but they couldn't work it out after 2 yrs. Just read a link to emotional abusers and it sounds like he is showing these traits, promising things then denying or going back on his word, causing drama and drawing me in, logically I can see this. He's good in other ways, we get on(mostly) but is it when everything's going his way? Not sure, maybe we just have a weekend relationship, am I then just a weekend sex and dinner date? or actually is that just what I want...I need some time and space I think but all views are a help.

Lweji Mon 17-Jun-13 23:20:57

move on

hardbeingme Mon 17-Jun-13 23:35:30

eh? so he doesn't want to marry you, live with you, or go on holiday with you but is willing to have sex with you when it suits? also your dsis isn't keen and he's still supporting his ex wife?
um yep he sounds a keeper! run op run!

LessMissAbs Mon 17-Jun-13 23:42:07

He sounds like a complete user. What do you get out of it? There should be a psychological barrier he has crossed with his behaviour that should be raising red flags in you and putting you off sex with him? Is he some kind of male model/hunk, strangely well preserved in his fifties, that makes you still want to sleep with him despite his behaviour to you being so derogatory?

TigerSwallowTail Mon 17-Jun-13 23:51:28

Could you quite happily see yourself still in this arrangement in 5 or 10 years?

Tortington Mon 17-Jun-13 23:53:51

your his fuck buddy.

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 03:30:36

Why do you have so little respect for yourself?

Rulesgirl Tue 18-Jun-13 04:36:43

I'm sorry but he does not love you. If he did he would still be marrying you and wanting to be with you.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Tue 18-Jun-13 05:47:10

Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

What makes you think he will treat you any better than he did his wife?

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 06:17:11

Thanks all, makes for uncomfortable reading, he is clever, well preserved etc but you have made me think and made me stronger, given some perspective. I'm getting clarity, thanks all.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 18-Jun-13 06:22:50

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

I read something a while back saying "don't make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

I think that applies here.

SirRaymondClench Tue 18-Jun-13 06:33:05

I'm sorry. I stopped giving a shit when you said you had an affair.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 06:41:17

He's maried, and putting his wife first.

I think you need to chalk the failure of this relationship up to experience, nd move on. I hope one thing you learn from it is to swerve married/attached men, and form future relationships only with the genuinely single.

JakeBullet Tue 18-Jun-13 06:42:37

Do you KNOW he is still paying the mortgage and bills of his ex-wife or is that just what he is telling you? He must be supremely well paid to do that and maintain a place of his own.

My feeling is that this is all an excuse not to spend time with you and I suspect there is another woman. You are the useful and familiar friend he can sleep with and then drop as it suits him.

And if he is EA you then what makes you think he is not doing the same to his ex-wife? "I can't help you with the mortgage etc as Auntienokids is being demanding about wanting to go on holiday".
You are not being demanding but how do you know he is not telling other people the same as he is saying to you about his ex-wife?

Move on from this man unless all you want is a "friend with benefits". But you clearly want more than this as your posts suggest that. Find someone who can give you that.

BadSkiingMum Tue 18-Jun-13 06:44:06

The simple answer is to go on holiday with your friends, then decide if you still want to have a sexual relationship with him when you get back.

I suspect that seeing him at weekends is as good as it is ever going to get.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Tue 18-Jun-13 06:47:06

Do t listen to what he says, look at what he does.

KingRollo Tue 18-Jun-13 06:47:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadeofViolet Tue 18-Jun-13 06:49:34

Well preserved hmm

Tiredemma Tue 18-Jun-13 07:01:07

He sounds like an immature 19 year old.

Get rid.

what a waste of YOUR time.

Kind of what happens when you do your fishing in a pool of married men OP they come with a lot of baggage and guilt .

calmingtea Tue 18-Jun-13 07:02:09

He's just not that into you. Sorry. He wants you for no strings sex and that is it. I would move on.

Pomegranatenoir Tue 18-Jun-13 07:12:58

Shucks, poor you! You had an affair with someone else husband and you expected live happily every after. Ha ha ha

Karma is a bitch.

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 07:38:11

I wasn't trying to attempt some pithy insult - I am genuinely asking you why you have so little self respect?

I am interested in your answer to see if what you say matches what you are doing.

But for a quick one line answer- he's sexually incontinent & he's probably found another woman with no self worth but buckets of novelty value - in the true nature of things this may now be his poor wife again.
That's actually 3 lines on my screen but whatever.

nkf Tue 18-Jun-13 07:43:08

How do you find the time for such crap?

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 07:54:08

Yes you had an affair and that is relevant as it shows that he has no real concern for anyone for himself.

He was married and he didnt care enough about his wife to treat her properly, why would he treat someone he isnt married to, isnt living with and doesnt see as a long term prospect any better? I am afraid that when you had an affair with him, you showed that you were happy to take whatever crumbs he would offer, so why would he offer you anything else now?

Recover your self respect, move on and only date men who are free to commit in future.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 07:55:01

anyone but himself

MexicanHat Tue 18-Jun-13 08:03:27

Do either of you have DCs?

I would say they are other women/another woman. He wants his cake and eat it.

Flyingtree Tue 18-Jun-13 10:05:25

If the man you had affair with was prepared to cheat on his wife, he'll have no compuctions about cheating on his mistress.

Which is what you were and always will be, to him.

Your situation won't have a happy ending either way.

Why the heck do people do this? I'll never understand sad

Re-set your moral compass and start again by leaving him, and never going near a married man again. He was never your's in the first place.

catsmother Tue 18-Jun-13 15:00:08

Not being able to "afford" a holiday is a red herring. If that was all it was, he'd express regret and seem sad at not being able to go away. He wouldn't tell you he didn't want to go away with you would he ?!

Seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Everything you've described so far has been what he wants to do and you've just gone along with it. In fact, I'm not quite sure why you think he loves you because he certainly doesn't behave like it - stringing you along and then going back on his word. And of course you know he has form for lying (to his wife presumably) and being selfish - without any other evidence to the contrary it's hardly surprising therefore when he's now doing the same to you.

Why waste any more of your time with him ? After all this time he's very unlikely to change and whatever the exact truth of the matter still seems incredibly tangled up with his (ex?) wife - after all, why hasn't he instigated divorce proceedings and begun sorting out finances with her yet ? If he was serious about you, he'd have done that a long time ago.

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 15:15:07

Seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it.


EllaFitzgerald Tue 18-Jun-13 19:06:43

I don't really understand why you're at all surprised that he's treating you so badly.

If he's told you that he doesn't want to spend a week or two on holiday with you (rather than being unable to afford to) then it's quite clear that he's not in love with you. I don't think you have the option of re-defining your relationship unless you want to end things. He's told you that he doesn't want to live with you, he doesn't see your relationship as long term and he doesn't even want to spend seven days in a row with you. Two days a week with you is more than enough time for him. How do you re-define that? He's treating you badly and you're letting him do it.

Also, I don't think you have any room to be judging the alleged behaviour of his wife, even if what he's told you is actually true!

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 19:33:40

Thanks all, I accept the kicking! However, I'm also human and admit my shortcomings, but that's not the sum total of who I am. That's why we're all here aren't we? to seek advice and solutions to relationship issues FWIW she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else, life is complicated. He is successful and keeping a marital home and a place of his own. He has tried to sell the house but left it with ex-wife to sort and of course it's not in her interests to do so, so don't worry she's punishing him aswell! I think he's weak but You're right I've been too weak to push him which I have said recently, this has been going on for over 5 years and I've told him I'm sick of having to curtail my life because of his financial choices, I can afford to go away but for the last 2 years I've let him control it and since he moved out after a year living with me I've been on a long haul with a friend and have 2 other hols lined up. But what did he do when I said I was going on holiday last month? he went with his mate to his friend's place in Spain. When he left after a year (March) as I've said I was sad but also relieved to have my own space again, no clearing up, no considering him in the week and more freedom, I suppose I'm happy living apart, my dsis says I'd be a nightmare to live with so I know I'm not the easiest; I just wanted a committed relationship but he's basically kicking an emotional football at me finding different ways to hurt me, disrespect me etc. I've discussed your posts with my dsis and she knows we have a lot of good times and things in common but she said it's a lot to put up with and am being short changed. My needy self is in conflict with my don't take his shit self and am having 3 way conversations with myself. He gets me, I'm a bit off the wall even though I hold down a responsible job, he knows my true self and I'm afraid of letting that go.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 19:39:44

Please let the "don't take shit" self win.

If he had really wanted to end things with his wife, he would have divorced her. He is probably obfuscating the reasons why he has not.

He's no good for you. He prefers his wife, despite all the baggage there.

It is time for you to move on.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 18-Jun-13 19:41:21

At the moment, he's not making either your 'needy' side or your 'take no shit' side happy and he's clearly not going to change.

Get rid before he makes you even more miserable and give another (unmarried) man the chance to know your true self.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 20:31:05

What a waste of a good woman.

I hope his cock is made of gold and studded with diamonds, OP, because I can't see much else to him

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:35:41

Stella/Ella. I'm hearing you. Just bin on phone to dsis and read replies to her. She says she thinks I'm afraid of being on my own, and also his understanding of my true self he's using against me, he knows what buttons to press. I was married young and that was short lived, I then had a long term relationship 7 yrs we split up, then another 5 yr relationship, and now this one over the last 5 years as a "couple" and thought this was a keeper, I love/d him the most and the best. My dsis has suggested I ask how to prepare for "the conversation". Dsis says keep it short and sweet coz she knows I'm a talker and analyser. Dsis says I have a close and loving family , I have no DC , HE has 2 x grown up DSs, if/when we finish DP will have nothing. He has 1 friend, I think he is a narcissist from research I have done. I know from experience I won't die but am scared of the grief and trauma as I've done it before, Dsis suggests I ask what words of advice for moving forward. I told her how helpful you have all been.

iwantanafternoonnap Tue 18-Jun-13 20:46:15

Jesus I would rather be single than with that tight arse twat! Set yourself free you don't need him at all.

Oh I expect he is still shagging his wife as well.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:50:11

Thanks iwanta, I'm slowly getting to "acceptance" of what is/will happen it's hard.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:49

Anyfucker, yep it is and when you find one you don't wanna go back to what's on offer at the sale rail! he's in great shape for his/any age, well dressed, clever and executive these I find appealing but yep he's also an arrogant fuckpig who's taking me for granted and treating me like shit, and worse..I'm allowing it, someone makes a fool of you once shame on them, someone makes a fool of you twice shame on mum's phrase. I hope you can read a change in my language....POWER!

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:13:02

Indeed ! < fist pump >

Hey, there are plenty of decent blokes that know what to do that rather silly-looking appendage too

Don't make the mistake that only alpha-type, arrogant tossers are hot in the sack.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:14:56

Having said that, make sure the next one is unattached, yeah.

I bet your mother would also say you getting treated like shit by him is not entirely unexpected

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 21:23:42

My temperature gauge on our relationship I have applied to telling my mum and dad, and I would be embarrassed to tell them the latest developments, when we resolved not to get married and he moved out as ever all they wanted was my happiness and when I said I was happier living apart they understood. To now tell them about the fact that I asked him if we would be going on holiday this year he said, no, when I said what about next year he said I don't know (meaning no!) I would feel that I would be letting them down. I don't know why I haven't been more angry and over the last hour reading the posts I have become more angry and am seeing him through your eyes and our relationship, I hadn't realised how toxic it was, I've definately had the back of my neck under the cold tap!

AnyFucker Tue 18-Jun-13 21:32:07


springytat Tue 18-Jun-13 21:34:30

Nope, can't get past the affair.

I honestly wonder what you expected.

As for she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else - oh really? And who told you that?

'Can't we be mature' - so, what is 'mature'? Having affairs with married men? Perhaps 'mature' is having appropriate sorrow and guilt for a serious life-mistake. You seem to have side-stepped that under the guise of 'maturity'.

Auntienokids Tue 18-Jun-13 21:52:26

Springy, who says I haven't had appropriate sorrow and guilt? I've spent the last five years living a more constrained lifestyle so DP could pay her bills and pay mortgage, she stole 50k from him before he met me, (I know that's what DP told me but for a variety of reasons I cannot publish I know this to be true) if you're happy that I'm now unhappy and that my heart is breaking then feel free to gloat, if you think he will go back to her and they will live happily ever after then ask why in the 2 years he had when he went back to her it didn't work ? I'm not trying to dodge what I've done or why would I have stated it, don't you believe I anticipated this? But other worthy human characteristics include mercy, understanding and sympathy (where appropriate) for a fellow human being in difficulty. I've heard the judgement, been condemmed now hang me and cut out my organs..ouch!

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 23:22:06

Put aside the fear of it ending and all the things you've explained. Just for a second - this isn't a get over it thing- step away and:

Do you believe you are worth more than this? Do you, in your heart of hearts feel you deserve more than this?

Because you really should. You should feel angry. And, next time, it will be better - but only if you know you are worth nothing less than absolute respect and acceptance.

No man like this will ever treat you like a whole, human person - until you realise that you are hurting yourself by accepting a few shits and giggles in return for being a 2 dimensional mobile fuck hole on the periphery of his own full personhood - solid gold dick or not - it will keep on happening.

I hate adulterers, but even I think you are of more worth and value than being a repository of his justifications, lies and easy access to a vagina. I really hope you do too tbh.

Finola1step Tue 18-Jun-13 23:35:20

Sorry, can't get past the affair and the fact that you think that his ex wife should give up her home. Just to make things that bit more comfortable financially for him (and therefore you).

You reap what you sow.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 23:58:17

Before he met you he was in a marriage, she didnt "steal" 50k from him. It was an asset of the marriage and therefore as much hers as it was his. Where did this 50k come from? What was it spent on?

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:15:55

D'you know what? As a child of a pair who thought their beautiful love transcended absolutely everything else in the world, I couldn't two flying hoots about how shitty you feel.

If you want to see what 33 years of deceit, madness and lack clarity looks like from the other side, please feel free visit my current thread.

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:17:46

Sorry, here's the proofread version:
D'you know what? As a child of a father and his mistress who thought their beautiful love transcended absolutely everything else in the world, I couldn't two flying hoots about how shitty you feel.

If you want to see what 33 years of deceit, madness and lack of clarity looks like from the other side, please feel free to visit my current thread.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 00:18:07

Finola, you make an interesting point. I don't need his money nor want it. I think that I'm making excuses for him because I know he has the cash resources to have a holiday, lots of holidays in fact all over the world! I also have the resources to pay for him, but I guess the sad truth is that he chooses not to spend his cash on a holiday with me. He's using the financial situation with (ex) wife as an excuse which I'm becoming more aware of and saddened by. Bogey, she did steal, cloning his details and taking it from his account whatever you believe is her claim to his assets, why breach security passwords to an account in his name to get the money of it were legitimately hers. Even if you believe she had a right to it how would you view your partners doing that to you? She had squirelled the money away, I think in preparation for separation before he and I met, but of course that is what you would expect me to say. I can't go into detail on this but just because he cheated on her doesn't make her a saint, I'm not justifying what I have done either but I think worldly wise adults know not everything is black and white

AnyFucker Wed 19-Jun-13 00:20:00

Oh dear

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:27:32

Ah yes, my not-stepmother believes that my mother is a stupid, spendthrift lunatic hellbent on destroying my father's relationship with his children. Why does she believe this? Because that's what he told her.

Kleptronic Wed 19-Jun-13 00:36:35

OP step away from the man. No good has or ever will come of it.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 00:37:17

Yep, I see that duchesse, but I have proof not truth and can convey facts with confidence that will withstand scrutiny, for what nay seem obvious reasons I can't give details. Take it or leave it, However, this string seems to be overtaken by this issue rather than original dilemma, whilst I understand the diversion if there are any constructive comments about next steps and the conversation I would appreciate it, if you don't think I'm worth it then I respect your decision to desist.

badinage Wed 19-Jun-13 00:39:06

What do his wife and children tell you about the situation OP? Do they back up all his claims?

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:42:54

Yes, so sorry.

My advice, staying on topic, is to dump him. He's stringing you along. Unless you don't mind being the no-strings turn-to shag. That might suit you, as you mentioned earlier. No-one can advise you on that though.

A friend of mine was in a 5 à 7 with a married man for years, a work colleague. The only way she managed to dump the slick bastard him was by moving to the other end of the country. The relationship itself did nothing for her self-esteem- she was always waiting for him to make up his mind. He never did.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 00:42:58

They don't communicate with me, surprise!

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:44:11

If you don't have any communication with them, how then can you be sure that you know the facts?

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:44:24

* all the facts

badinage Wed 19-Jun-13 00:49:24

How very fortuitous for him that you've got no way of corroborating his lies.

Next steps?

You just say that you're not getting what you want or need from the relationship and want to end it. I wouldn't bother getting into long explanations about why - just stick to the unassailable facts that you don't want to be in this relationship any longer.

Then start seeing the whole relationship through a vastly different lens to the one you've had - and have still got to an extent now.

You've been royally conned and unfortunately, there's been quite a bit of believing what you've wanted to believe, despite the evidence that's been jumping out from the bushes and screaming at you to notice it.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 00:49:57

Thanks Duchesse, I think you're onto something we met at work he was hi-flyer . me mid- management, lots of sex appeal associated with work, now I'm still at work and promoted , DP retired but running his own companies, he's not the alpha male in the workplace and I'm not the tactical operator when we met. Now I'm involved in cutting edge business whilst he is in the weeds about developing his business, dynamics are different

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 01:14:14

There are statutory reasons and evidence of facts I am unwilling/unable to discuss. Suffice to say they are not spurious allegations. I hope you understand, whether convinced or not. I'm thinking that I'm gonna have a shit weekend and will have a cry. Almost wanna be there now and get into wallow mode, not self-pity just grief and loss. DP was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 yrs ago now in remission but it puts thing in perspective and we went through it together for what? to end up apart...

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 05:49:00

Can you actually be deemed to be in remission after only 3 years? I thought it was 5.

Do you have objective proof that he was actually ill? I only ask because faking illness is also in the EA palette.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 06:01:27

I thought exactly the same as Anyfucker. I don't think the ties are severd from his wife to quite the extent that you think they are. You sound like a long term mistress - still.

bigTillyMint Wed 19-Jun-13 06:12:31

Fellatio, that's exactly what I thought too.

Get out and move on - life's too short.

mynewpassion Wed 19-Jun-13 06:25:09

I know its not the a good thing to say but...Good for the maybe-not-so-ex-wife for taking the 50K. She probably deserves it for all his cheating. I am sure the OP wasn't the first woman he cheated with.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 06:42:11

Hi all, yep he had hairy cell leukemia, saw the doctor and nursed him through the doubt.
I spoke with my dbrother last night, he said "fuck him off" and text him it's over...nothing like a 40 year old man to cut through the shit! I've been thinking it over and DP has actually made it easy for me on reflection because he's been such a shit. We had a bust up on Sunday so he may not contact me again but my dsis said if he does tell him it's over and if he doesn't then I don't have to do/say anything. I can't believe how quickly my relationship has unravelled! 3 months ago we were living together and marriage was on the cards, now bit by bit it's being dismantled. All of the posters that have answered constructively, THANKYOU, you have made me see it for what it is and I've been deluded, you've all given me a chance to regain my dignity and empower me.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 06:58:24

What good did you think would come of sleeping with a man who would cheat on his wife? Did you think you were so fantastic he would never mess you about?

Yes - you have been deluded. The other woman often is.

Next time you get involved with someone, have the sense to do it with someone who at least has the potential not to be a cheating, lying fuckwit.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 06:59:12

I think the fact that 3 months ago you thought marriage was on the cards is very telling. I think your discussing marriage as if it were inevitable, and possibly trying to pin him down to a time/commitment to it have made him panic and run. He is not even divorced is he? Sounds to me like he doesn't really want to be.

I think his wife has accepted that they have a civilised 'modern arrangement' and so long as no-one puts any pressure on him either way he's quite happy, and she's if not happy, then at least pragmatic. So it was working nicely for everyone but you. You made the mistake of not knowing your place in this 'arrangement'. And now you are paying the price.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 07:31:20

Therealfellatio, thanks for early morning response, just going to work, it's strange how the ordinaryness of the day and mundane tasks bring things home to you, I'll never put my make-up on when he's lying in bed, share our in-jokes etc. she won't divorce him because of pensions etc and definitely does not want him to marry me, if he pre- deceased me obviously I would get a widows pension which I'm not interested in as an aside. His house is up for sale and this time he is taking the reigns,,I've seen it on Rightmove etc. He has been tip toeing around her and I've colluded in that and I am! You know when you're heart feels heavy? that's where I am...I just keep picturing him and listening to him saying the hurtful things and think,,,NO! I deserve better.

catsmother Wed 19-Jun-13 07:52:02

There's a big difference between " won't " divorce him, and doesn't want to divorce him. It's not simply up to her - and perhaps him claiming that "she won't" is an all too convenient get out clause for him to stop things with you developing any further.

IIRC, you can divorce after 2 years separation if you both agree to it, and after 5 years separation, even if one party doesn't agree (plus of course on the basis of other grounds like adultery or unreasonable behaviour). Either way - once they've been separated for 5 years he can divorce her if he wants to regardless of her feelings. If he really wanted to cut the ties with her I'm sure he'd have researched all this, have conveyed it to you and would be talking I'm sure about that 5 year point with an eye to his future with you - and he isn't is he.

Yes -you do deserve better.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 08:10:35

Thanks Cats, and he did say to me (and her) that he would do this...divorce. I've reflected a lot over the past few hours and spoken to my dsis, I said he wasn't always a total dickhead, as far as our relationship is concerned he's definitely got lazy, he brings me flowers each week, compliments me but everything about us is his agenda, I'm a "go with the flow" type person as Dp said, I'm never gonna die of a heart attack, but the result is we have just drifted along and I haven't taken the time or space to take stock of what I want and what's making me happy...well over the last 2 days I have and I have 2 choices , I can carry on as before which tbh, is probably easiest for both of us, it may sound strange but I'm not unhappy with our arrangement, or unhappy on the whole with us I just want more investment from him e.g. holidays etc. but when I look in the mirror I know that he really doesn't want to so I can't allow myself to spend time with someone who won't put me first. Other things that have happened have made me realise that he's keeping me to himself, he's not interested in going out with other couple friends etc, he is subtley controlling......siob...gotta get on with my life now and move forward, My dsis says I have lots to look forward to, I just think of my little nephews 3 & 2 and that makes me smile. Boyfriends come and go but my family are my world.

Whocansay Wed 19-Jun-13 08:40:04

OP, you seem to think you know what he has said to his wife, and what she has said to him. In truth, you have absolutely no idea. You are letting this man spin you a line and it will not end well for you. You sound terribly naïve.

Find someone who loves you and let this one go.

LIZS Wed 19-Jun-13 08:55:10

she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else
she won't divorce him because of pensions etc
He told you that ? If she had taken the least bit of legal advice she'd know that wasn't true. And the rest, he's been playing you along, feeding you lines . Sorry he has no intention of divorcing her or marrying you, probably never had. Why would he change the status quo when he doesn't need to ? When you want to change the rules it leads to anger and argument. Do you know his friends or are you kept away ? Do you know his family , as his partner in the same way as he has met yours ? Clearly you have invested more in this relationship emotionally than he has.

BIWI Wed 19-Jun-13 09:05:53

I'm not unhappy with our arrangement, or unhappy on the whole with us I just want more investment from him

But you are unhappy! Because you want more than he is prepared to give you.

I'm sorry that you feel so sad. But the only way forward is to make is clear to him that this 'relationship' really is over. Don't wait until he tries to contact you. Take the initiative for once, and tell him you have had enough.

(And next time, choose someone who is available ...)

springytat Wed 19-Jun-13 13:08:34

'She' sounds like a huge part of your relationship. Bit crowded.

Despite your insistence that posters like me 'desist' from posting, except with 'constructive' advice, I am here and I am posting again.

I was surprised at your lofty outburst in response to my post. I am also surprised at how seriously you take your own life, and your grubby affair. Leukaemia or not, it has been a grubby affair. You have been taken for a long ride.

It also occurs to me that the sorrow you are experiencing is indeed you reaping what you have sown. You either do it consciously or it is visited on you. It has been visited on you.

You made no mention in your OP of your 'sorrow and guilt'. I still see no evidence of 'sorrow and guilt'. You say that two years of penury were your penance. erm no, that was a natural consequence.

I agree you should take the initiative and end things now.
A simple text will do.
I don't want to be with you anymore. Don't contact me.
End of conversation.

FWIW - I've been in very similar situation, so I am not judging you. And 2.5 years on and a lot of too-ing and fro-ing, have come the conclusion that they don't change. They will always cheat and they will always be fuckwits.
Time to find ourselves a good guy. Good luck.

Auntienokids Tue 13-Aug-13 22:44:35

Hi Ops, if anyone's interested I have an update. Following your advice this is what happened. I carried on seeing him the weekend after the discussions with Ops. I reminded him I was going on holiday with a girlfriend at which he said he might go to Dubai! I ask you, the cheek! when he said he didn't want to go away with me due to work and financial constraints. I challenged him and said we hadn't been away and it was not fair on me blah blah blah! he stormed out back to his flat. I phoned my dsis I was so angry. Anyway I went to his flat and he said he wasn't going to discuss anything. I said how dare he storm out of my house. I then asked for my house key back and remained calm and just pointed out that he was being horrible to me and I deserved better. I left. A few days later I texted him with the intention of speaking to him to end it. He said he was vulnerable and couldn't speak he needed time to get back on his feet and work things through. I left it 2 weeks with no contact either way. Before I was going on holiday I wanted closure. I phoned him and thought I would test him and asked where do we go from here? he said he was hurt and angry etc at some of the things I said. I thought, no way are you gonna get the better of me so I said that I had texted him 2 weeks earlier to end it, that the 2 weeks had made me sure, that he didn't put me 1st and I wasn't gonna be his f***ing doormat anymore and that I thought he was a jeckel and hyde and had a personality disorder, he tried to speak but I just said "goodbye" and that was 5 weeks ago. I texted his friend and he said it was best we were both unhappy!. Anyway I went on holiday and again last week and going again next week and the weird thing is....I'm not upset, not cried. Yes there are times I think about him but haven't really missed him. I have thought about his behaviour and gone over things and now re-read the OP comments. I just wanted to say thanks you gave me the strength and clarity and I feel in control of my life and it feels good. Hope there's some hope for

Elsiequadrille Tue 13-Aug-13 22:49:39

You are much better off without him. It wasn't a 'proper' relationship.

Auntienokids Wed 14-Aug-13 19:27:25

You're right Elsie, it's funny how some time, space and distance can allow you to see things more clearly. I realise now that I was a convenience and I feel liberated. I've had the best summer for a long time and made up for time. I suppose that's why I haven't been that upset because I'm not getting over a proper relationship. Spain on Tuesday for a week and already booked South Africa next Feb....whoop whoop! fist punch! have a good evening. smile

Hissy Wed 14-Aug-13 20:02:01

Bloody well done! Enjoy the rest of your life! You've got a lot to make up for.

Remember you have been cheated from having a full and happy life, please don't allow that to happen to yourself again?

Auntienokids Wed 14-Aug-13 22:52:07

Thanks Hissy, yep , learning life lessons, you know, it was good at 1st, the last year living together I realised what I don't live with someone, I'm happiest in my own space with a high level of freedom. Some of the OPs made me smart in the earlier discussion, but it's hardest to be honest with yourself and to read about you and your relationship through others' eyes forces you to confront your values and beliefs, best therepy ever!

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