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Just showed this to DH & basically got no reply...

(39 Posts)

Wrote this to DH as I knew I wouldn't be able to say it:

'Just writing this out as I know if I try and say it you'll interrupt me. I know I'm being a cow lately but I'm just so angry about everything (the state of the house, the legal side, my inability to tackle anything) & can't pretend it's ok anymore. You just seem to want to blame everything on my illness & think that all will be fine once I'm better...it won't, I'm ill because of the state of affairs not the cause of things being like this.

I know my expectations are way too high & I need help to make them more realistic.

I don't want things to continue like this but have absolutely no idea how to fix things, I think we need help.'

He basically read it, continued playing on his phone then said 'well let's tidy up then' & that was it. There's a long back story which he is fully aware of plus I'm under a MHP for severe PND.

What do I do now?

FlatsInDagenham Sun 16-Jun-13 12:07:13

What kind of reaction were you hoping for?

It sounds like he is trying to be of practical help - is that not what you are after?

bornagaindomesticgoddess Sun 16-Jun-13 12:08:59

I don't think your letter was very clear. I read it and tbh I feel I ddin't really get the point of what you were trying to say.

I also suffered PND after my last baby after nearly dying in childbirth and my DH was useless. He just didn't know what to do.

I think you have to be really clear to some men about what exactly it is that you want and need.

hurricanewyn Sun 16-Jun-13 12:10:27

I think you need to be more specific about what you want, in a letter if you're more comfortable with that.

If I'd read that, I'd offer practical help like cleaning too.

Because tidying the house really is the least of our problems, I'm talking needing relationship counselling help & he just won't discuss it. He thinks things are bad because I'm depressed whereas I'm depressed because things are so shit.

I need him to discuss how we can move on from this, not tidy a few toys away, it's like sticking a plaster on an axe wound.

RandomMess Sun 16-Jun-13 12:12:47

Have you got any sort of therapist or counsellor at all? That could be very useful in helping you set yourself achievable (small) targets and help you work out exactly what you want from dh?

Would a response of "let's get x tidied, I'll help you by us working together - we will start by doing y" been a response that would have given you more acknowledgement or not really?

He's aware of all the deeper issues whereas you aren't, but I take on board that I need to be more specific.

RandomMess Sun 16-Jun-13 12:13:14

x-posts

RandomMess Sun 16-Jun-13 12:14:55

Can you write a list of the things that are shit about your relationship iwthout attaching blame?

Could you do it but necessarily give it to him until you've discussed it with a neutral person?

RandomMess Sun 16-Jun-13 12:16:19

So he's continuing to ignore the elephant in the room with his response which is a huge part of the problem I'm guessing?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 16-Jun-13 12:16:34

Does he need time to respond? I know if I read a letter like that I'd need time to think about what was said and how I could improve things before I said anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 12:27:57

I think the very fact that you feel you can only communicate via a letter shows how 'shit' the relationship is. Expecting someone to understand when they're not even listening is totally pointless. Suggesting they get 'help' when they don't think they're doing anything wrong is also pointless. If you spend some time apart, get out of each other's hair and give yourself chance to think you might get somewhere. So either he leaves or you do. Staying hot-housed together not communicating is achieving nothing at all.

jessjessjess Sun 16-Jun-13 14:02:00

I appreciate that you're going through a hard time but that's a very aggressive letter that tells him what he thinks and how he's going to act - he may wonder is there any point him responding?

I would rewrite it like this:

I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now and I'm afraid you won't hear me out. I feel as if you're blaming everything on my illness and assuming it will all be okay once I'm better, but everything is getting on top of me right now and I really need you to listen to me.

cupcake78 Sun 16-Jun-13 14:24:42

In the letter the only think that he ca actually help you with is the house and tidying.

I don't think your being as clear as maybe you need to be. PND is horrible, really horrible and you actually sound like you need some adult time to sit and talk to him one to one and ask him to listen.

I agree a list of things your struggling with and maybe a suggestion of solutions or how he can help is a good starting point. If you don't know where to start maybe counselling for you would help you work out your needs.

You are both in an impossible situation until you begin to communicate on an honest open level.

Men are mainly practical creatures and come up with physical solutions to or

cupcake78 Sun 16-Jun-13 14:26:27

Posted too soon;

To practical problems. Your dh sounds like he fits this very clearly.

A bit of preparation before speaking to him maybe a good idea.

A good friend could be invaluable with this grin

bbqsummer Sun 16-Jun-13 16:24:03

I don't the letter is aggressive at all. You sound at the end of your tether physically and emotionallky op. My heart goes out to you. Responding with 'let's tidy up then ' sounds passive aggressive to me: he is clearly not willing to do antyhing to genuinely help pull you through the madness that is PND.

He sounds quite cruel and cold. If I were you I would stop grovelling - you may have been a 'cow' but you have a serious problem with PND which takes a huge amount of coaxing, patience and empathy, not to mention loyalty and a thick skin, to help you get through.

Who does this man think he is? if he won't go to counselling then you're flogging a dead horse. Selfish man.

Start putting yourself first. Concentrate on what you can do for yourself to pull you through - stop relying on this idiot. Can you get some more support from your doctor or via family and friends? Can you make an effort to put a little exercise in each day even if you just do some sit-ups in your bedroom?

You allude to deeper issues between the two of you that probably stretch back to before the PND.

Stop writing this knob letters and stop berating yourself. Other posters who say your letter is aggressive and unreadable are, ime, talking nonsense. It sounds desperate to me and as i say I really feel for you.

Lets tidy then just doesn't cut it.

Agree with Cogito - if you have to write a self-immolating and begging letter to your husband/the father of your new baby - and you still get a stupid ignorant response, then I hope that when you are better (which you will be) you finish ths marriage and start living well and happily.

((()))

Well we have spoken more & he's still reluctant to consider counselling, he thinks we need to improve communication between ourselves. Whilst I agree I think we need help even with this. I'm just so fucking angry about everything that I just can't stop myself being hostile. In my darker moments I wonder if this is all a plan to push me away, but there's no way I'd go & leave him with the children.

bbqsummer Sun 16-Jun-13 17:08:21

Well he could start by practising what he preaches - his wife is trying to communicate. He responds with less communication and understanding than a pissed gnat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 17:37:31

You don't go and leave him with the children you ask/tell him to step out and give you chance to think. A temporary split.... a week or two should be enough. If you're 'so fucking angry' and hostile all the time you need a bit of space to calm down. Being in each others' face, writing letters and so on really isn't helping.

bbqsummer Sun 16-Jun-13 17:58:44

So have you asked him how he actually suggests improving communication?

Put the ball firmly in his court - tell him you are up for considering whatever his Great Ideas are for improving communication...and perhaps he can begin?

The just follow suit - he opens up, sits down and talks honestly and refreshingly..

only that won't happen. he's talking the talk but doing feck all to help and driving you nuts in the process. And yes either because he's too lazy to actually think of solutions, or because he intends to drive you nuts by gaslighting you.

bbqsummer Sun 16-Jun-13 18:00:50

Do not give him any further oxygen for his contempt by becoming hostile and angry.

Remain calm, look after your baby (I take it you have a baby ? You have made no mention of your DCs how how old they are etc)

And let him start writing letters. See a solicitor this week as well as your HV and doctor. Get things on record as i expect there's more to this than you can currently either see or are saying.

MadBusLady Sun 16-Jun-13 18:17:54

Agree with bbqsummer. I know nothing at all of your specific issues, and your desperation and sense of being trapped streamed off the page at me. If he didn't read that and stare at you in horror and say "What do you want us to do? I'll do anything that will make it work." then there's something wrong.

Is his idea of improving communication basically that he doesn't really have to talk to you at all? I just can't imagine how you ended up writing a letter otherwise.

DCs are 3.4 and 8 months old.

Call me perverse but I've been vaguely thinking about the possibilities of leaving, but as soon as it's suggest by someone on here I dig my heels in and think 'no we can sort this.'

Trying to think how to easily explain the history without totally derailing the thread and typing forever.

The main problem is that the house we live in is half owned by DH & half by BIL. FIL has offered to sort it so we own the house but it's taken years and nothing has happened yet. Having been divorced once I don't feel very secure with this set up, DH just doesn't get it & thinks I should be grateful for a roof over our heads & should just trust his family to do the right thing.

I've told DH that the one thing I need to get 'well' is the house in our names, he says he'll do anything to make me better, yet he's constantly stalling on this issue.

Added to my anger is the fact that we moved into his gran's house 6 months before we were married with the promise that we'd only be there 6 months...we moved out last year & have been married 4 years now. He was doing up the house we live in now & it just took forever...plus he kept lying to me about how long it would take. (He doesn't see that he was lying, just underestimating how long everything would take). So because of this I find it hard to trust him. Plus where we live isn't actually finished yet & I'm just sick of living in a half finished house (it's completely habitable but just rough around the edges if you see what I mean).

Sorry that turned into an essay, it's just so complicated & I'm sure I've missed loads out.

2rebecca Sun 16-Jun-13 22:36:23

Why is getting the house sorted his job? If you want to speed things up can you help? You do sound as though you expect him to do everything to sort out making your life OK.
You do have to take control of your life and look at what you can do to improve the situation/ change things.
Deciding life would be better if he did x y and z isn't helpful as you can't change him, only yourself.
Why do you think he's lying rather than underestimating? Friends of mine who do alot of DIY say everything always takes longer than you think so he may be telling the truth there, especially if he's trying to do up the house as well as work and you're just moaning that everything isn't being done fast enough.
What can you do to help with the house renovations?

Sorting out the legal side of the house is his job because it's all to do with his family & he doesn't like me talking to them direct.
As to sorting out the renovations, I do what I can but we have 2 small children which need looking after, he's a total perfectionist & doesn't believe anyone can do the job as well as he can (and I admit I am a bit cack handed). He does make me feel like I'm not capable of doing anything to do with the house right & if I get my dad to help he's constantly criticising anything he hasn't personally done.

Also, he's admitted to telling me what he thinks I want to hear rather than the truth in the past. And I think taking 4 years rather than the anticipated 6 months is rather a huge underestimate.

Plus if you'd seen the shithole we were living in whilst this was all going on (hence my agreeing to stay there 6 months only) you might understand why I'm still so bloody annoyed about it.

It's a family trait though, his dad ripped out their only bathroom about 5 years ago intending to replace it & hasn't yet...that's what I'm afraid of becoming like.

I am getting therapy for my PND so am working on changing me.

Boomba Sun 16-Jun-13 23:36:14

All that house stuff, sounds like it is probably out of his control

Is there more to it?

Numberlock Sun 16-Jun-13 23:42:09

You need to be clear about what you want and how you can both get there, not just this random anger.

Make a list.

Re the house, yes some of it is out of his control but when I asked him what the next step was he said he had to talk with his brother...that was a month ago & he STILL hasn't spoken to him (despite his brother only living up the road).

We have discussed the house & tried to come up with a list of things that need doing & prioritised them. Hopefully will see some progress soon.

Boomba Sun 16-Jun-13 23:55:27

is he working and trying to fit the house around that? Or does he sit on his arse all day doing nothing?

No he does work. It's just impossible as I need him to help with the boys too at weekends as I do struggle & obviously he can't do that and the house. But he won't even consider getting someone in to do some of the jobs.

bbqsummer Mon 17-Jun-13 00:00:09

Sounds like he has a lot of control - and is keeping progress unduly slow.

Ring the brother yourself.
What does your therapist say about all of this?

Everyone I've spoken to thinks I've been more than patient & put up with a lot, but DH dismisses any other opinion, saying they've only heard my side of the story. True, but it doesn't mean it's totally invalid.

2rebecca Mon 17-Jun-13 22:44:52

He can disregard it as invalid though if doing so doesn't have consequences.
I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't think my opinion was as valid as his. If we had a discussion and we disagreed then he said "we're still doing it my way" on all major decisions then he'd be making future decisions completely on his own.
I'm not saying "leave the bastard" but reiterating the fact that the only person whose behaviour you can control is your own.
If he insists everything has to be done his way then the only decision you have to make is to decide whether you stay and do things his way or leave.

Sondosia Tue 18-Jun-13 06:30:50

If he won't accept any help with the house stuff, is there anyone else who could help you with the boys at weekends to give him more time to focus on the house?

I have total sympathy for your situation but honestly, I can see his point of view too. He works all day, comes home to help you take care of DC, squeezes in working on the house whenever he can, but that's not enough. You didn't like living at his gran's house so he got you out of there as soon as he could, but living somewhere unfinished isn't good enough. He made an overly optimistic estimate for how long the work would take and got accused of being deliberately deceitful (and if I've got my timelines right, he made this estimate before the birth of your DC? So was presumably had a priority shift and was maybe a bit naive about how much time and energy he would need for fatherhood).

I'm not saying he's blameless by any means - he sounds stubborn and not very good at communication - but I think there needs to be a bit of give on both sides, if you see what I mean?

I know my expectations are too high. But today I'm cross because FIL had 'a word' with me about the legal side of the house & once again it's totally different from what DH told me. Have been thinking it over all afternoon, can't discuss it with DH as he's at work. Am gradually getting more & more annoyed by the whole thing.

Boomba Tue 18-Jun-13 17:19:54

do you think your DP is trying to trick you about the house?

It seems really important to you, that it is transfered into your name? Have you bought it off BiL but it is still in his name?

Is it a deal breaker for you?

No the house is outright owned 50% by DH & 50% by his brother. It is important to me, partly because we want to release some equity for home improvements, plus relations with the ILs is is not great at the best of times & I don't feel secure knowing BIL could in theory force the sale of the house. So yeah, it kind of is a deal breaker if it's not sorted. DH & his family think I should just take their word for it that they would never do wrong by me or the boys but that's not good enough for me.

DIYapprentice Tue 18-Jun-13 17:32:16

If he trusts his family, then let him trust his family. Get your DH's 50% signed over to YOU unconditionally (with a post nuptial agreement - UK courts routinely uphold them), and he can trust them to get the other 50% to HIM.

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