Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Right to not like the way he talks to me sometimes?

(49 Posts)
Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 01:07:37

I think I could probably do with a little objective perspective. I don't know whether I'm right in feeling a little upset at the way my partner speaks to me sometimes.

It's been over trivial things, really.. For example I sent him a funny website link, and used the website's 'share' button to send it to his email address. It's not a 'dodgy site' and I wanted to save myself the time of logging into my email and sending the link as I was about to finish my lunch break.
Anyhow, later that evening I asked him whether he'd received it and if he'd had a chance to read it? It wasn't in his inbox so I said "Oh, maybe the share thing didn't work, nevermind!" Well, to this he just exploded! He couldn't believe I'd given out his email to some random site, don't I know how those things are just scams to get active addresses?!?!
He was interrupted by having to pay for his food at the till, so he asked me to wait thirty seconds (we were on the phone). I sat there anxiously, expecting him to come back and berate me further. He had calmed down, but I ended up listening to a lecture about the evils of share buttons and his endless fight with spam mail. The ironic thing was, I realised I'd entered his email address wrong anyway!

There was another occasion that he ended up making me feel like an idiot because I hadn't checked prices when booking my cats at the vet. Before I'd had the chance to defend myself and explain that after all the questions required for registering and arranging times for them both it had been forgotten by me at the end of the call. It was actually on my list of info to collect, I'd just forgotten and after the telling off from P I did call back and get price info. But did he really need to get so agitated and use it as a way of saying that I'm always letting myself get ripped off in situations like this? (He has also mentioned things about not liking the way my landord has treated me in the past, that I'm letting him walk all over me).

I've told him how I've felt on these occasions, and asked him not to speak to me this way in future, as I didn't feel that I'd done anything to deserve being shouted at.

Lweji Sun 16-Jun-13 01:38:27

And he has shouted again?

How long have you been together?
You are not living together, are you?

AgentZigzag Sun 16-Jun-13 01:50:45

Trying to keep control over your email address on the internet is like trying to stop a tsunami single handed. Part of going on the net/having email is accepting you're going to be spammed/email address ending up in places you're not happy about.

If that's the case, then he's taking something he has no control over and having a go at you for making him lose control.

That can't be right confused

He must be doing it for other reasons then.

Maybe he enjoys the feeling he gets from making you sit and anxiously wait for his lecture, makes you feel you're useless and lost without his super-organised techniques (ie make you question yourself), brass tacks - he likes feeling in control and he's using you to get rocks off.

He's treating you like a parent would a small child.

You don't deserve anything!

If someone wants to say something to me, then go ahead and say it. I wouldn't accept a fucking lecture, and I'm surprised you didn't put the phone down while he made you wait for yours.

When he makes you think you might deserve it, do you go along with that and try to do things to get his approval?

somanymiles Sun 16-Jun-13 02:39:51

This sounds like emotional abuse. Be very careful about taking the relationship further ( if you're not already living together). Look up emotional abuse and see if he displays any of the other associated behaviours. It is a nightmare living with an emotional abuser.

RhondaJean Sun 16-Jun-13 03:02:24

Email thing fair enough, over reaction but I'd shrug it off.

Cat thing starts looking like a pattern.

One more and I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 08:15:03

It's one thing to express disappointment or annoyance if someone's made a bad decision. It's totally unacceptable to rant on about it, lecturing you and making you feel stupid. That's just belittling behaviour and it's bullying. I suppose he's Mr Perfect is he? Never puts a foot wrong?

Don't tolerate this. Stand up for yourself.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 09:06:14

We aren't living together, and there are no plans for this on the horizon either. I like having my own place and my own space.

The vets incident actually came before the email one.. which was why I expected the full-blown rant - I'd seen it before. I honestly don't know why I didn't hang up rather than obediently wait for my lecture. IF I was in that situation again, I know what I'd do differently now.

He didn't actually apologise to me for the way he spoke, either. He made excuses about being stressed, or just continued to reinforce the points he tried to make whilst shouting. His text message apology about the vets went like this.. "Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you.. " etc etc.

Making me feel like he's the parent and I'm the naughty child was an accurate description sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 09:22:00

Heard the expression 'red flag'? People who freely blame & browbeat others but make excuses for themselves like 'I was frustrated' and 'I was only trying to protect you' are not nice people and should be given a very wide berth.

If you have no plans to take this relationship further I'd seriously consider ending it.

Hissy Sun 16-Jun-13 09:30:24

you have any idea of where this will all end up?

I do. For certain.

My advice is to NEVER just stand and take his ranting only the phone; hang up. Every. Single. Time.

If he mentions anything again with a view to telling you off, stop him and say that you're an adult and Knowing perfectly well what you're doing, and he can't just rant at you.

Ultimately, you need to ditch him, this will only get worse, AND he is a prick... you can do SO much better!

Lweji Sun 16-Jun-13 09:32:26

His text message apology about the vets went like this.. "Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you

Except when it's him?

I'd honestly be on my way out.

Btw, check transactional analysis about roles we take. It's interesting that you mention parent and child.
If you read about this, it may help you in future relationships, or even in dealing with his attempts at parental role if you decide to stick with him for a bit more.

I definitely wouldn't further commit unless the dynamics changed.
And it could be one reason why you feel you want your own space.

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 16-Jun-13 09:34:32

"Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you.. "

Oh the irony ...

Walk away, life's too short.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 16-Jun-13 09:49:34

Agree. Red flag. Walk away now while it's still easy to do so.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 10:13:48

Thank you all, for telling me I'm valid in being upset about this. I've read Lundy's book recently and worried I was looking for things because I was on 'high alert', and maybe making too much of this due to that.

"Sorry but.." is never a good way to start an apology in my opinion!

We've had some great times together and for the most part he's lovely, funny and caring. Choosing to end it would be so easy and simple - not been together all that long, no children, there isn't even anything of his in my house. But I've paid a large chunk of my part of a holiday we have planned next month, and I'm hating the idea of that going to waste. I've never had a holiday like this and it's something I've been looking forward to for a while.

After the holiday I think I need some time for serious reflection though..

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 10:19:01

You won't enjoy the holiday if you go with a knob....

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 10:34:06

Sadly true Cogito. I can still try to enjoy it despite who I'm with though, I hope. Maybe things will be great, I don't know. He isn't always a knob..
I really really don't want to cancel this holiday and lose money.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 10:40:37

You'll be waiting for him to be a knob. That's the trouble with his sort. You'll be on eggshells wondering if you're going to get another earful because you didn't get the right exchange rate for your currency or you were ripped off by a pedlar on the beach (or similar pathetic excuse). Of course he's not like this all the time... they never are.

Hissy Sun 16-Jun-13 10:49:50

Why can't HE lose the money and you take someone ELSE? Or go on your OWN?

Hissy Sun 16-Jun-13 10:50:47

Actually, in the end they ARE like this all the time, but you'll be the one modifying her behaviour to try to prevent it...

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 10:59:32

If I don't go, he'll go alone anyway. He's planned it for a while and I was invited along to join with his plans. It's not the stay in a hotel and lie on the beach kind of holiday, and I'd be really out of my depth trying to navigate travelling across countries I've never seen on my own.

It is an amazing opportunity to travel and I've always wished I could someday do something like this. But as it started as his plans I'd feel wrong in expecting him to not go and for me to go instead, without him.

something2say Sun 16-Jun-13 11:05:53

Make him learn by doing something that then ruins the day. Like hang up the phone and make him say sorry when you next speak. Walk away, cancel the plans etc. it is wrong of him to treat you with this disrespect.

The qs you have to answer now is......does he simply not respect you personally for your actions, or is he generally disrespectful. I'd say you have ,ore luck with the latter.

Get up, go out when he starts, if he asks why, say it is because you spoke to me like that. Make him see that he is out of order by your behaviour. That's what I'd do anyway.

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:51:58

Having been here myself in the past, I now know that I would walk away from the money/holiday and reconcile that it was a small price to pay to escape from this man.

Lovingbenmore Sun 16-Jun-13 17:54:53

Something2say: isn't that just engaging in game playing? Why should the op be the one to 'educate' her partner in being a decent person and behaving appropriately in a relationship?

MadBusLady Sun 16-Jun-13 18:06:08

But as it started as his plans I'd feel wrong in expecting him to not go and for me to go instead, without him.

Hm, is that an option? If there's any chance he would agree to that, seize it with both hands! Don't worry about "feeling wrong" towards someone who is a knob.

But if it isn't an option (I'm guessing he would dig his heels in) why not write off the loss this time and plan to do a similar holiday with a friend? Even if it takes you two or three years to plan and pull together, you'll be doing it in a state of freedom. My best holidays have been with friends, to be honest.

There's always a reason on the horizon not to leave someone, that's how people get hooked in to damaging the relationships. If it wasn't the holiday, it would be something else.

The text he sent you reminds me very much reminded of a poster who was finally in the throes of splitting from her rather unpleasant husband. She was constantly being told how "weak" she is, how he feels sorry for her for being pathetic etc. After 20 years, she had really started to believe and internalise it. I think that's where he's going with "You let people walk all over you".

MadBusLady Sun 16-Jun-13 18:07:47

Oops, I meant "how people get hooked into damaging relationships."

Not "damaging the relationship". He's the one who's doing that!

MNiscold Sun 16-Jun-13 18:13:17

I recently took a vacation with someone who showed me about two weeks in advance that they were an a** - and if I could do it over I would have changed the vacation plans, no matter what the cost. His behavior ruined every single day of the trip, so that no matter where we were or what we saw, no one else had a day's peace or enjoyment. Don't let vacation plans keep you tied to someone you're seeing this kind of behavior from.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 18:41:58

Thank you all for the helpful replies, I am taking things in and considering my options. And for the stories about your own holidays, it's given me a lot to think about. I think maybe I can pinpoint the source of some underlying anxiety I've been feeling about the holiday. I should be counting the days at the point, but instead find myself wondering how it's already so close!

I've checked and could possibly get 85% of the railcard refunded (but not until it's delivered!). The flights cost a fraction of what I paid out for the rail and I could probably handle never seeing that money again.

On the other hand, I think I had already decided that after the holiday I need to face up to whether this relationship is going anywhere, and more importantly, whether I want it to. We don't live in the same city and I have no intention of moving away from my job and friends. It may be that the holiday would be the last of what was only ever going to be a summer fling confused

MadBusLady, the comments about being 'walked all over' didn't sit right with me at all when he said it. He took what I had perceived as a normal tenant-landlord situation and turned it round to make me feel like I'd been in the wrong and taken advantage of. FFS, it was just a 6-month house inspection? I know landlords aren't there to be your buddy but P has made me feel anxious about mentioning the 12-month inspection to him when it comes up (and I probably won't mention it).

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Jun-13 18:43:33

Is there any way you could transfer your tickets to another holiday?


Why are you together at all?.

He is showing all the signs of being a "loser" in relationship terms. You cannot help someone like this by loving them better, it just does not work.

I would be planning your exit strategy from this before it further escalates.

Cancel the holiday or change the booking so it does not feature him on it. He will ruin the holiday if you go away together. Emotional abusers and controlling types can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. They can do nice but its an act really designed to suck you further into their own mad world.

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 22:03:58

I'm keeping my sister updated on anything I've noticed (or may yet notice) that in past relationships, at this point, I would probably dismiss or ignore.. or just wouldn't have had my eyes open to see. That way even if I lost sight of the reality of the relationship she'd be there to bring me crashing back to earth by reminding me of the things I've confided to her. And keeping a diary, good and bad.

I've spoken to P today and there's a chance he himself can't make the holiday.. depending on upcoming job interviews after his training finishes. He can't go off on holiday until he has a job to return to.
It did piss me off that he didn't mention this vital fact when he was so eager to confirm bookings and part with cash, it's something I would have wanted to know in concrete before going ahead with anything.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 16-Jun-13 22:17:54

Hi OP. You mentioned that you wouldn't have the knowledge to do this sort of holiday on your own.

Which is why he's taking you! A fortnight of dependency on him? I'll bet he's wanking it to a betting shop pencil at the thought!

Anghara Sun 16-Jun-13 22:51:15

Actually.. it's three weeks, even worse confused.

I seem to have derailed my own thread into discussing my holiday, but it seems relevant and no one else seems to mind either. Seriously, thank you all for your insight, it means a lot to hear some objectivity

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 17:12:36

An update..

On the original topic of the way he's spoken to me before.. Well.. he hasn't done it again. But he did say that he feels recently like he can't talk to me about certain topics because of the way I might react to him. He even used the phrase (I think a little light-heartedly?) 'walking on eggshells'.

Now.. the holiday. Arrrghhh what a headache it's been. Yesterday was the deadline of 2 weeks before the travel date - I needed to know by then whether he would be going. He had an interview 2 days before that deadline. He got the job. The catch was, that they asked him to work for 3 weeks - right when the flights would have been. So the whole thing would need to be delayed by three weeks if it was going to happen.

He basically assumed that I'd have no problem with changing everything, re-booking new flights, asking my work to move my annual leave, etc etc.

I found out the change of plans in a two-minute phonecall before his battery died and he was heading to the pub (straight from his interview) to celebrate. I didn't hear from him again until the next afternoon. Plans were made to discuss everything later that evening (as he'd only just woken up and was hungover). He didn't call later and I couldn't get hold of him. So I really had no choice the next day at work, other than explain to my boss that I would be cancelling my holiday.

We finally talked last night, and I told him I won't be going.. He went silent then finally said he didn't want to talk about it right then and he needed to go. I asked him if he would call me when he wanted to talk about it, and we said goodbye.

I'm now wondering if this is him sulking that he's not getting his own way (ie me changing all my plans to fit with him), and the no contact is him punishing me. If that's the case, I don't think I can actually be bothered with any of it any more angry

Officershitty Thu 04-Jul-13 17:30:18

He sounds like a giant toddler. Let him go. There are nicer men out there.

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:53

But he did say that he feels recently like he can't talk to me about certain topics because of the way I might react to him. He even used the phrase (I think a little light-heartedly?) 'walking on eggshells'.

You know, I've definitely seen that described before on this board. Bullies accuse their victims of bullying them. Controlling people accuse their victims of trying to control them. It's a deflection thing, I think. It stops you focussing on the fact that their behaviour is faulty and gets you worrying about your own.

It sounds like it's just going to carry on like this, to be honest. Can you get the railcard refunded (which was the thing you were trying to avoid in the first place sad)?

SayWhatWhat Thu 04-Jul-13 18:25:05

Sounds like the 'man' I just ended things with,he started showing this side to him about a year in,once the strange behaviour started (ranting at my choice of purchases or the way I let myself get ripped off) it got to the point where I would tell him it was over, he'd beg and plead,I'd give him another chance and something else would set him off....I wish I had listened to my gut sooner because he went on to irrepairably come between my best friend and me(basically told her I had been talking about her to him,but made it sound awful) due to his jealous immaturity and need to control everyone. Get rid,these people can't have normal relationships!

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 18:52:30

Officer I think I'm starting to realise that. I think I know what I need to do.. but doing it is harder than it should be. Not least because I can't seem to speak to him for long enough to have a proper conversation recently.

It felt like a deflection at the time, Madbuslady.. The topics he said he felt he couldn't talk about are the same ones where I've felt he was 'telling me off' or ranting at me. Almost like he thinks.. that's the way I want to talk to her, she doesn't like it, so I feel like I can't discuss those topics. Instead of thinking about why I didn't like it, and doing something about it.

Saywhatwhat, how are you doing since things ended? Is he pleading again, or leaving you in peace? This guy has made comments about things I've bought too.. I wore one of my favourite jumpers and without me even asking for his opinion, he said, "I hate that jumper!" angry

Anghara Thu 04-Jul-13 18:53:41

Oh and also I forgot to add - hopefully I should be able to get most of the money back for the railcard smile

SayWhatWhat Thu 04-Jul-13 19:02:10

I've blocked him from everything...he is still sending emails through new email addresses,I think I've blocked about 7 new addresses since yesterday,clearly he doesn't like to lose,and is not respecting my very clear message to never contact me again.(He even wrote on one or two occassions that I am making a mistake and he's just trying to help/support me! (my mum died in April) The cheek of it leaves me speechless.
Good luck with getting as much back as possible smile

MadBusLady Thu 04-Jul-13 19:02:42

Well, that's something. smile I've gone round Eastern Europe on trains with a female friend and honestly, we were fine. Don't rule it out for the future if you can find a suitable travelling companion.

He's sounding worse and worse re the jumper comment. Of course, you don't have to have a deep and meaningful conversation as such, you can just send a polite email or text saying it's not really working for you any more. If he's too sulky to talk to you he can hardly complain can he.

Officershitty Thu 04-Jul-13 19:13:03

I hear a lot of people analysing 'he said that , what does it mean, if only he would learn to do that'. it is not helpful to you.
Some men (well- people, actually) do not grow up emotionally. A short, curt note to say you are getting on with your life. Would you treat someone else the way he is treating you?
I hear too much from people who go on and marry and have DC with men like him and trust me, he won't change.
Don't waste your time.

Anghara Fri 05-Jul-13 12:58:23

I've heard nothing more from him since Wednesday evening and the conversation where he said he didn't want to discuss it any more. I sent one text Thursday morning but have done nothing else re contacting him.

Should I try to get in touch to talk? Or wait and see how long until he contacts me? To be honest I'm starting to think that there's only one possible outcome to all of this.. me telling him it's not working out for me. Would it be harsh of me to tell him this via email or something, if he won't answer calls?

SayWhatWhat Fri 05-Jul-13 23:26:41

i would just not bother doing anything,to be honest. He'll come crawling to you at some point and hopefully,by then you will want to get rid smile

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 05-Jul-13 23:44:11

Yes, a short email telling him the relationship is over. That way you will rid yourself of that feeling that you're waiting for him.

You are so well rid!

suburbophobe Sat 06-Jul-13 01:57:44

Yes, you are really so well rid.

What gives him the right to dictate how you deal with the vet when you don't even live together!

And the jumper comment.... if you'd stayed with him he would have ground you down completely.

You know, it really is not so scary travelling alone. I do it all the time grin. You could always start small, like a few days in Paris or Rome for instance. So much to see you can wander around all day.
You don't need other people to hold your hand in order to have a great time!
(Travelling alone is much better for meeting people anyway than travelling as a couple).

Anghara Sun 14-Jul-13 18:30:01

A little update, a week on..

We spoke last Friday - I called and he answered. HE was angry/upset with ME for telling him I wouldn't be going! ..anyway, the short of it is that I told him I didn't think we should see each other anymore. It was horrible and difficult to actually say the words, but I did it.

He's pretty much left me alone since then. I sent one message a few days later, he replied and then I sent one more (but there was nothing in it that I expected/wanted a reply to), but apart from that, nothing. Bliss. He hasn't tried to change my mind or convince me to re-think, give it time, etc. Just accepted it.

And I'm feeling pretty alright tbh. Onwards and upwards!

DaemonPantalaemon Sun 14-Jul-13 20:53:29

Well done!!!!!!!

Anghara Wed 17-Jul-13 18:12:34

And one more small update - I got my railcard refunded, and actually a lot faster than I was expecting! Yay for that, I was a little worried tbh as it was a fair bit of money, to me.

Today was the day I should have been flying out. I'm not regretting my choice, but I do now have the feeling that I could really use a holiday (of my own choosing!) <goes to look at options>

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jul-13 18:20:03

I'm so glad it's over and so glad you were the one to dump him, too. He sounds like he's entitled and a sulker - a lethal combination.

A happy ending - how nice. About holidays - don't under-estimate yourself. It took me 6 months alone on the other side of the world to realise I could do it and I didn't need a bloke smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now