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Right to not like the way he talks to me sometimes?(49 Posts)
I think I could probably do with a little objective perspective. I don't know whether I'm right in feeling a little upset at the way my partner speaks to me sometimes.
It's been over trivial things, really.. For example I sent him a funny website link, and used the website's 'share' button to send it to his email address. It's not a 'dodgy site' and I wanted to save myself the time of logging into my email and sending the link as I was about to finish my lunch break.
Anyhow, later that evening I asked him whether he'd received it and if he'd had a chance to read it? It wasn't in his inbox so I said "Oh, maybe the share thing didn't work, nevermind!" Well, to this he just exploded! He couldn't believe I'd given out his email to some random site, don't I know how those things are just scams to get active addresses?!?!
He was interrupted by having to pay for his food at the till, so he asked me to wait thirty seconds (we were on the phone). I sat there anxiously, expecting him to come back and berate me further. He had calmed down, but I ended up listening to a lecture about the evils of share buttons and his endless fight with spam mail. The ironic thing was, I realised I'd entered his email address wrong anyway!
There was another occasion that he ended up making me feel like an idiot because I hadn't checked prices when booking my cats at the vet. Before I'd had the chance to defend myself and explain that after all the questions required for registering and arranging times for them both it had been forgotten by me at the end of the call. It was actually on my list of info to collect, I'd just forgotten and after the telling off from P I did call back and get price info. But did he really need to get so agitated and use it as a way of saying that I'm always letting myself get ripped off in situations like this? (He has also mentioned things about not liking the way my landord has treated me in the past, that I'm letting him walk all over me).
I've told him how I've felt on these occasions, and asked him not to speak to me this way in future, as I didn't feel that I'd done anything to deserve being shouted at.
And he has shouted again?
How long have you been together?
You are not living together, are you?
Trying to keep control over your email address on the internet is like trying to stop a tsunami single handed. Part of going on the net/having email is accepting you're going to be spammed/email address ending up in places you're not happy about.
If that's the case, then he's taking something he has no control over and having a go at you for making him lose control.
That can't be right
He must be doing it for other reasons then.
Maybe he enjoys the feeling he gets from making you sit and anxiously wait for his lecture, makes you feel you're useless and lost without his super-organised techniques (ie make you question yourself), brass tacks - he likes feeling in control and he's using you to get rocks off.
He's treating you like a parent would a small child.
You don't deserve anything!
If someone wants to say something to me, then go ahead and say it. I wouldn't accept a fucking lecture, and I'm surprised you didn't put the phone down while he made you wait for yours.
When he makes you think you might deserve it, do you go along with that and try to do things to get his approval?
This sounds like emotional abuse. Be very careful about taking the relationship further ( if you're not already living together). Look up emotional abuse and see if he displays any of the other associated behaviours. It is a nightmare living with an emotional abuser.
Email thing fair enough, over reaction but I'd shrug it off.
Cat thing starts looking like a pattern.
One more and I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell.
It's one thing to express disappointment or annoyance if someone's made a bad decision. It's totally unacceptable to rant on about it, lecturing you and making you feel stupid. That's just belittling behaviour and it's bullying. I suppose he's Mr Perfect is he? Never puts a foot wrong?
Don't tolerate this. Stand up for yourself.
We aren't living together, and there are no plans for this on the horizon either. I like having my own place and my own space.
The vets incident actually came before the email one.. which was why I expected the full-blown rant - I'd seen it before. I honestly don't know why I didn't hang up rather than obediently wait for my lecture. IF I was in that situation again, I know what I'd do differently now.
He didn't actually apologise to me for the way he spoke, either. He made excuses about being stressed, or just continued to reinforce the points he tried to make whilst shouting. His text message apology about the vets went like this.. "Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you.. " etc etc.
Making me feel like he's the parent and I'm the naughty child was an accurate description
Heard the expression 'red flag'? People who freely blame & browbeat others but make excuses for themselves like 'I was frustrated' and 'I was only trying to protect you' are not nice people and should be given a very wide berth.
If you have no plans to take this relationship further I'd seriously consider ending it.
you have any idea of where this will all end up?
I do. For certain.
My advice is to NEVER just stand and take his ranting only the phone; hang up. Every. Single. Time.
If he mentions anything again with a view to telling you off, stop him and say that you're an adult and Knowing perfectly well what you're doing, and he can't just rant at you.
Ultimately, you need to ditch him, this will only get worse, AND he is a prick... you can do SO much better!
His text message apology about the vets went like this.. "Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you
Except when it's him?
I'd honestly be on my way out.
Btw, check transactional analysis about roles we take. It's interesting that you mention parent and child.
If you read about this, it may help you in future relationships, or even in dealing with his attempts at parental role if you decide to stick with him for a bit more.
I definitely wouldn't further commit unless the dynamics changed.
And it could be one reason why you feel you want your own space.
"Sorry but please don't be upset it just really frustrates me when you let people walk all over you.. "
Oh the irony ...
Walk away, life's too short.
Agree. Red flag. Walk away now while it's still easy to do so.
Thank you all, for telling me I'm valid in being upset about this. I've read Lundy's book recently and worried I was looking for things because I was on 'high alert', and maybe making too much of this due to that.
"Sorry but.." is never a good way to start an apology in my opinion!
We've had some great times together and for the most part he's lovely, funny and caring. Choosing to end it would be so easy and simple - not been together all that long, no children, there isn't even anything of his in my house. But I've paid a large chunk of my part of a holiday we have planned next month, and I'm hating the idea of that going to waste. I've never had a holiday like this and it's something I've been looking forward to for a while.
After the holiday I think I need some time for serious reflection though..
You won't enjoy the holiday if you go with a knob....
Sadly true Cogito. I can still try to enjoy it despite who I'm with though, I hope. Maybe things will be great, I don't know. He isn't always a knob..
I really really don't want to cancel this holiday and lose money.
You'll be waiting for him to be a knob. That's the trouble with his sort. You'll be on eggshells wondering if you're going to get another earful because you didn't get the right exchange rate for your currency or you were ripped off by a pedlar on the beach (or similar pathetic excuse). Of course he's not like this all the time... they never are.
Why can't HE lose the money and you take someone ELSE? Or go on your OWN?
Actually, in the end they ARE like this all the time, but you'll be the one modifying her behaviour to try to prevent it...
If I don't go, he'll go alone anyway. He's planned it for a while and I was invited along to join with his plans. It's not the stay in a hotel and lie on the beach kind of holiday, and I'd be really out of my depth trying to navigate travelling across countries I've never seen on my own.
It is an amazing opportunity to travel and I've always wished I could someday do something like this. But as it started as his plans I'd feel wrong in expecting him to not go and for me to go instead, without him.
Make him learn by doing something that then ruins the day. Like hang up the phone and make him say sorry when you next speak. Walk away, cancel the plans etc. it is wrong of him to treat you with this disrespect.
The qs you have to answer now is......does he simply not respect you personally for your actions, or is he generally disrespectful. I'd say you have ,ore luck with the latter.
Get up, go out when he starts, if he asks why, say it is because you spoke to me like that. Make him see that he is out of order by your behaviour. That's what I'd do anyway.
Having been here myself in the past, I now know that I would walk away from the money/holiday and reconcile that it was a small price to pay to escape from this man.
Something2say: isn't that just engaging in game playing? Why should the op be the one to 'educate' her partner in being a decent person and behaving appropriately in a relationship?
But as it started as his plans I'd feel wrong in expecting him to not go and for me to go instead, without him.
Hm, is that an option? If there's any chance he would agree to that, seize it with both hands! Don't worry about "feeling wrong" towards someone who is a knob.
But if it isn't an option (I'm guessing he would dig his heels in) why not write off the loss this time and plan to do a similar holiday with a friend? Even if it takes you two or three years to plan and pull together, you'll be doing it in a state of freedom. My best holidays have been with friends, to be honest.
There's always a reason on the horizon not to leave someone, that's how people get hooked in to damaging the relationships. If it wasn't the holiday, it would be something else.
The text he sent you reminds me very much reminded of a poster who was finally in the throes of splitting from her rather unpleasant husband. She was constantly being told how "weak" she is, how he feels sorry for her for being pathetic etc. After 20 years, she had really started to believe and internalise it. I think that's where he's going with "You let people walk all over you".
Oops, I meant "how people get hooked into damaging relationships."
Not "damaging the relationship". He's the one who's doing that!
I recently took a vacation with someone who showed me about two weeks in advance that they were an a** - and if I could do it over I would have changed the vacation plans, no matter what the cost. His behavior ruined every single day of the trip, so that no matter where we were or what we saw, no one else had a day's peace or enjoyment. Don't let vacation plans keep you tied to someone you're seeing this kind of behavior from.
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