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Secretly afraid of what DH might do

(77 Posts)
CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:32

Im not sure I should be posting on here but I really have found mn to be invaluable in the past and I'm feeling not myself right now. I think DH is ill and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to challenge to the full as there is no telling what he may do. After 20 plus years together I'm finally moving out with our children as I can't take it anymore. It's taken me this long to realise that the man has issues and that I don't need to live like this as it is depressing. Never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Always being wary of him. Don't get me wrong I can stand my ground to a certain extent and I never try to show him I am scared although sometimes I think it is probably obvious.

DH has always had a bad temper but when we were young it was probably both our doing, we stayed together and admittedly I loved him. Throughout my first childs childhood we rowed and rowed but always made up until the next time. However rows with him were never just the normal stuff he would lose his temper and lash out at me hitting and kicking etc. he has always been very verbally abusive and always put me down and for as long as I can remember he has always told me to F off out of his house. He will behave like this also in front of our children. Finally I decided I was going to F off out if his house and I can't bloody wait.

He always says and always has said that he is violent to me because I don't shut up but the reason I don't shut up is because his behaviour towards me has been so incomprehensible that I have to say something and not just sit there and take it (although I used to) . Usually in the past he would hit me and then the row would stop as I would be hurt or too upset to carry on.

When we had our second child things seemed to calm a bit but not for long. He never helped with night feeds or changing and I was totally knackered but all he did was moan at me for being to tired to be having sex with him. I literally was so tired that I had to sleep whenever I got the chance. Rather than helping me he told me how shit I was and that it was my fault out second child was so demanding as I am a shit mother (frequently tells me this) and I've built a rod for my own back. It is now know exactly why my ds was and is the way he is as he has a dx.

DH started to go to the gym as we have both always been into our fitness but obvs with my ds it all went down the pan for me I do t have time to sleep let alone go to the gym anymore. DH started at a new gym that opened later so he was not coming in until gone midnight. This still happens to this day as it has for the last 4 years . He goes out about 8 and comes in after midnight. Naturally at first this really bothered me as I couldn't understand why he would do this I asked him to not keep going out all night every night but he just told me to F off time and time again so in the end I accepted it and now I like it that way as it gets rid of him and I don't have to put up with him all night. But it did upset me that he didn't care enough to make an effort . I've always suspected he didn't really love me but I thought that maybe he did and he just had anger issues but know finally I've seen the light.

We have frequent episodes where DH flips out. He lost something a few weeks ago and totally turned the house upside down scarred the crap out of the kids was kicking and verbally abusing me and calling us all the c word. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing is not normal. I used to get very scared and hurry around to try and be on his side so he didn't turn on me but I don't do that anymore. He said the next day that I know what he is like when he loses something and I should just help him. Incidentally I had to tidy up the whole house he did nothing it took half a day he had even stamped on my ds toys and broke one and he slashed his favourite football.

Tonight he started hitting and kicking me over a phone charger - I told him it was mine and as I only had one I went to get it back he went totally crazy and within 5 seconds of being 'normal' he turnt into this monster that I know so well. The kids came into the room and he looked like he was going to combust at me telling me to F off I'm a stupid C.
It's so sad that he is like this. I really worry what he may do when we split as I'm not taking his orders I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids as although they know what a madman he is obviously he is their dad and they love him but I worry that he may do something silly in a moment of madness to get at me. He doesn't seem to get what he is doing wrong and he lashes out at such small stuff how can I trust him when I'm not there to keep an eye out on him with the kids. What if they do something to spark him off and given ds's dx this is quite possible. Also if he hits me again or the children when he is angry (he has done this before) when we are split I will call the police and that will make him want to kill me.
I worry that he may lose it one day and you hear about this men that split from their wife's or girlfriends and do stupid things. One minute he can be as nice as pie to me and the kids and the next he is going mental over god knows what. He can seem to be so nice.

whattodoo Sat 15-Jun-13 22:50:04

Please contact Women's Aid. They will talk you through options and support you.

You and your DC deserve a better life than this.

Littlefish Sat 15-Jun-13 22:51:03

Phone the police tonight and phone Women's aid too. Don't want until you have split. You are in a dangerous relationship.

BlackeyedSusan England Sat 15-Jun-13 22:51:07

darling, you need to protect yourself. do you know how to hide your internet history?

the person doing the hitting and kicking is the one responsble for their actions, no amount of provoking is an excuse. if they are getting angry, they are responsible for getting themselves out to calm down.

tribpot Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:04

To be brutally honest, you are all more at risk if you stay than if you go. But you are especially at risk right now, when he knows you are going. (Does he know this yet?)

You need to get the hell out at soon as you possibly can. Please call the police, please call Women's Aid and get gone.

It sounds as if it would be highly unsuitable for him to have unsupervised contact with the children. The police and Women's Aid will help you to make the necessary arrangements. But you cannot stay because of this issue - you and your children cannot live like this.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:39

Good god woman, get yourself & the DC's out of there ASAP.

have you somewhere to go? Ring your local Womens Aid for advice & a possible safe house.

You need to log these incidents with the Domestic Violence team at your local police station too. You will need evidence to build up a case if you want the kids to only have supervised contact with him.

Get legal advice too.

All scary stuff but you ALL deserve better than this.

WinkyWinkola Sat 15-Jun-13 22:54:40

And you cannot let him have access to your dcs. He is mad. Bonkers unable to control himself.

You've been through so much. Big strength to you. Well done for getting out.

You all deserve more.

He on the other hand, deserves a few years for assault

Awks Sat 15-Jun-13 22:55:30

You sound so numb. Please phone womens aid now and when he's gone to work on monday leave. Dont mess about any longer, you simply must go. Much love x

babyhammock Sat 15-Jun-13 22:56:08

Right ....have you phoned the police before? (I'm really hoping you have and that there is a record of the awful man's behaviour)
Please phone them now. You have to be able to protect your children and the more reported incidents the better chance you have of doing that.
Yes yes to speaking to womans aid, although if you call the police they will also automatically refer you to a support worker if you want. Don't hold back on anything, show the police your post if it makes it easier.
Read Lundy Bancroft x

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 22:57:16

I can only agree. You should talk to Women's Aid as they are trained yo help you in exactly a scenario such as this.

To clarify - your husband is not a good man. He is violent, controlling and abusive. He is not a good father either. You would do very well to remove yourself and your children from his presence as soon as possible. He is dangerous. Very dangerous. Sooner or later he is going to seriously hurt one of you.
You need help and you need it now.

Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247.

scallopsrgreat Sat 15-Jun-13 22:59:00

Oh sweetheart, this is dreadful. He isn't ill you know. He just feels entitled to treat you and the children like this. And it has nothing to do with you and your behaviour. No matter what you did he would still treat you like shit and be violent towards you.

As whattodoo says ring Women's Aid. Also Lundy Bancroft's book Why does do that may also be helpful. The Rights of Women website may also be helpful. If he is physically abusive to the children you maybe able to stop him from seeing them. Speak to a solicitor if you can/afford it.

But you knowing leaving is the only option. Women's Aid can help you leave safely (and possibly help on the legal/access front too)

Good luck

Good luck, be careful, leave on Monday when he's out from 8 til midnight?

Remember you are not to blame for any of this.

Surely Winky is right about the assault, please make sure you do report it to police.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:03:56

It sounds very unlikely that he will be granted unsupervised access to the DC. You don't need to worry about that - provided you alert someone who can help you.

The dangerous period is now. Do not give him any hint that you are seeking help. Delete your browsing history. As soon as he is out of the house for a decent length of time, take your DC and go to a police station.

Taking passports will be helpful if you can find them easily and without arousing suspicion. Anything else you can be escorted back to collect.

Normally I know people advise to put together an "escape bag" and bide your time to sort out finances etc. But this is very, very serious abuse you are describing. Your children are in danger.

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 23:07:52

Is he on steroids?

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:12:41

I also agree that this sounds very very grim.

Call Women's Aid, and seek refuge. They are your first port of call. They will sort you out.

You must keep a lid on your plans, and then as soon as the opportunity arises, get the hell out. You and your children are in danger. You must leave.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:19:40

Good question, HollyBerry.
Not because it excuses or even explains his vile abuse, but because we can get a measure of how unstable and unpredictable he might be.

Isn't there a big list of the things women should pack before they leave - I've seen it on previous threads of this nature. I'll see if I can find it.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:27:29

Making a Safety Plan
A personal safety plan is a way of helping you to protect yourself and your
children. It helps you plan in advance for the possibility of future violence and
abuse. It also helps you to think about how you can increase your safety
either within the relationship, or if you decide to leave.
You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse: only they can do that. But
there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety.
You’re probably already doing some things to protect yourself and your
children – for example, there may be a pattern to the violence, which may
enable you to plan ahead to increase your safety.
• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations,
including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers -
e.g. your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic
violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your
social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor;
and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in
partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247.
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they
would need to say; e.g. their full name, address and telephone number.
• Is there a neighbour you could trust, and where you could go in an
emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the
police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children
can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself your children, and hide it
somewhere safe - e.g. at a neighbour's or friend's house. Try to avoid
mutual friends or family. (There are some suggestions below for what
you need to take with you when you leave).
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including
change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is – and if you have a mobile phone,
try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that yu are
thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can
be a particularly dangerous time for you. It’s important to remember that
ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.
Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take
everything you will need with you - including any important documents relating
to yourself and your children - as you may not be able to return later. Take
your children with you - otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have
them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head
and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be
collecting the children in future. (See below, Protecting yourself after you
have left.)
Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long
process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately -
or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options, and how you
could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a
small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.
What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some
of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be
able to pack in your "emergency bag".
• Some form of identification.
• Birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work
permits.
• Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of
keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
• Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you
are entitled to.
• Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if
applicable.
• Prescribed medication.
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure, e.g. mortgage
details or lease and rental agreements.
• Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
• Address book.
• Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental
value.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
• Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police
reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of
medical records if you have them.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:28:50

I'm really shocked from your replies as obviously I'm not getting how awful he is probably because I'm used to it and maybe I have low esteem. I have a good family network who are counting the days until I start up alone. They have listened to me moan about him for years and they know exactly what he is like but to them he is as nice as can be and for a long time they found it hard to comprehend. He is very clever with the things he does. He used to turn my dd against me by treating me to despicably that when I would get in a state he would say look at her she is nuts lets get out if here. I nearly had a breakdown before my ds was born as he totally took my dd away from me. He was far more clever than me back then but now I feel I have the upper hand but I'm still a little scarred of his actions. He does know I'm leaving and I haven't gone yet coz I'm waiting for the current tenancy to end. My family tell me too to just get out and come stay with them until my house is ready but its only a few more weeks and I have put up with it for this long what does a few more weeks make. If the abuse to my dc was very serious and even if it happens again one more time I will go. He never ever hit the kids ever it has only been recently he has been rough with them, I think it's coz one has a dx that effects the way he acts so he gets very uncontrollable at times and the other is a teenager so both pushing his buttons which he can't control which is why they are seeing his nasty side too sometimes now. Mainly it is just me he hates. He is happy for me to be leaving although sometimes when he is not angry at me he says things like oh you wouldn't really leave me would you. But I really don't think he cares well he obvs doesn't or he would have sorted himself out and spoken to me about it. I have tried to discuss things with him recently and as ever in the past but he just ignores me completely and only ever answers with F off which really frustrates me as I just want a sincere meaningful conversation with him. Then if I persist he just thumps me one. But that's my fault as I didn't shut up. My dc is also very rude to me not for being a teenager although that is some of it but because she has grown up hearing mum being spoken to like a piece of crap and he has never supported me with disciplining her he used to tell her not to listen to me and do what she liked and now he wonders why she has no respect for the pair of us not just me but mostly me.
Thank you for all for support and comments. I will look into the suggestions you have all made.
I really don't want to stop him seeing the kids as they will hate me am I just being weak. I told him unless he gets help he won't see them but I can see the anger in his eyes then other times when he is angry he says good I don't want to see them the little shits I want you all out of my life. I know he doesn't mean that though its me he hates not them. I don't even know why he hates me I've always stood by him until now. He always had it in for me for some reason.

Thanks again really needed to get all this off my chest without loading it onto my usual friends, thx

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:30:50

I just realised I missed a chunk of that out:

A personal safety plan is a way of helping you to protect yourself and your
children. It helps you plan in advance for the possibility of future violence and
abuse. It also helps you to think about how you can increase your safety
either within the relationship, or if you decide to leave.
You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse: only they can do that. But
there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety.
You’re probably already doing some things to protect yourself and your
children – for example, there may be a pattern to the violence, which may
enable you to plan ahead to increase your safety.
• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations,
including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers -
e.g. your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic
violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your
social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor;
and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in
partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247.
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they
would need to say; e.g. their full name, address and telephone number.
• Is there a neighbour you could trust, and where you could go in an
emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the
police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children
can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself your children, and hide it
somewhere safe - e.g. at a neighbour's or friend's house. Try to avoid
mutual friends or family. (There are some suggestions below for what
you need to take with you when you leave).
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including
change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is – and if you have a mobile phone,
try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a
lower risk area of the house - for example where there is a way out
and access to a telephone. Avoid the kitchen or garage where there
are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you
might be trapped - such as the bathroom - or where you might be shut into a
cupboard or other small space.
• Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency.
Preparing to leave
Whatever coping strategies you have used – with more or less success -
there may come a time when you feel the only option is to leave your partner.
If you do decide to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully.
Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are
thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can
be a particularly dangerous time for you. It’s important to remember that
ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.
Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take
everything you will need with you - including any important documents relating
to yourself and your children - as you may not be able to return later. Take
your children with you - otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have
them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head
and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be
collecting the children in future. (See below, Protecting yourself after you
have left.)
Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long
process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately -
or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options, and how you
could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a
small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.
What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some
of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be
able to pack in your "emergency bag".
• Some form of identification.
• Birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work
permits.
• Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards. The
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of
keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
• Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you
are entitled to.
• Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if
applicable.
• Prescribed medication.
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure, e.g. mortgage
details or lease and rental agreements.
• Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
• Address book.
• Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental
value.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
• Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police
reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of
medical records if you have them.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:34:07

Oh yes I forgot to say I am logging all the incidents and I only use mn on my phone which he can't get too.
My dc did call the police once when she was very small coz we were having a huge row and she got scarred it was awful to think that she did that I'm very ashamed. The police came and spoke to us seperately and they told me to leave I didn't press charges but it was logged. I have told him I will call them but I never do I can't bear to see the kids faces when their daddy gets dragged off in a police act although he deserves it I know my dc will hate me for it.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 15-Jun-13 23:34:48

Please load it onto your usual friends. Please get some RL support flowers flowers flowers

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:37:21

Oh love...he has really wrung you out hasn't he?

I'll tell you what difference a few more weeks make...life and death. It could be the difference between life and death. This twisted fucker thrives on crushing you.

I really hope someone here has the right combination of words to get you to place of safety and support. Refuge, or more likely your family.
You should start by talking to Women's Aid.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:38:26

OK, my love. Are you sure you can't go sooner? To a refuge or to a relative's house?
Have a good read through this, and at the Women's Aid website, and nominate someone in your family to safeguard the documents in the list above.
You also need someone to run to in a hurry if necessary.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:40:56

Oh goodness, they won't hate you! Their "daddy" probably terrifies the crap out of them. They've spent all their lives walking on eggshells around his moods and learning how to manage him and win his favour for their own survival. Leaving will be the strongest and the best thing you've ever done for them.

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:41:34

And get the hell out of there! Go to your family!! Why are you staying to be hit and abused, and have your kids poisoned further by this maniac?
Scramble back up onto your feet and hit the road! Fuck the tenancy.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:44:32

Where are you now, OP? Are you at home? Is the "man" of the house out? Are you reasonably safe?

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:49:59

Your all right...I'm bloody weak and too soft that's why I've stood for it for so long.
Thank you all and you minouminou for your list.
Hollyberrybush the steroids question would explain alot as as I said he has always been a bit of a maniac but he is totally off his rocker now. He does take something but its not steroids he got a load of it from turkey when we went on holiday so it can't be illegal. He does inject it into his
stomach ....EWWW I think that had a lot to do with things . No excuse though.
I am going to think about where I can go while I wait for the house.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:51:41

Yes minouminou I'm safe I'm at home. He is out with dc he doesn't go gym on a sat. Only one night out of seven. Dc is immune to it all she don't bat an eyelid anymore when he attacks me. She told him earlier he must say sorry to me bless her. She thinks he is great though as he lets her get away with stuff I don't.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:52:41

Was this compound from Turkey taken out of his luggage and examined at the airport?

I'm wondering if it's illegal and if you could mention this to an advisor. It could be valuable leverage in the future, when you're talking about access and so on.

CyrstalStar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:55:46

No it wasn't be he said he was allowed a certain amount of it. God knows what the truth is with him. The whole bloody suitcase was full of it.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:56:38

You're not weak and soft, Crystal. You've been targeted by someone truly horrible, and anybody would be beaten down by it. Nobody walks willingly into the kind of relationship you describe - it deteriorates slowly as the abuser ratchets up their behaviour. I'm glad to hear your family are supportive, I think getting away to them would be a very good idea.

But please do call Women's Aid and the police as well - that's the best way to ensure he will never have the opportunity to do anything stupid to you or the DC. Tell them about the drugs too. Pretty unlikely not to be illegal IMO, but that's not your problem. It all adds to the picture and makes it easier for the police to ensure he can never harm you again.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

MadameBlavatsky Sat 15-Jun-13 23:57:37

Please get out! Get you and your kids to safety as soon as you possibly can. You are living with an abuser. Women's Aid can help you, the police will come if you ring them. I know that you have to minimise it in your head in order to survive but please, the posters on here have what you don't right now - perspective. HE IS DANGEROUS, and you need to get your kids out ASAP. You are NOT overreacting. He can and will get worse, and your have to protect your kids and yourself.

Gather important documents and paperwork and essentials and GET OUT. If you are in danger call the police and be honest with them, tell them what he is like.

Your kids NEED you to stand up for yourself. It is him would be to blame for the police dragging him off, NOT YOU. Sorry for all the 'shouting' with caps, but I am trying to emphasise how important this stuff is.

They will not hate you, they need you to do this. You are doing it for them, to show them that what he is doing is wrong and that you shouldn't treat people how he treats you. They are learning about relationships from you both. If you have boys they are learning how to treat women, girls are learning how to be treated. You have to stand up for YOU and THEM.

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 23:58:06

How awful that your daughter should see her mother being attacked as of no consequence. That's how ingrained it is.
She will accept the same in the future.
Unless you show her otherwise.

minouminou Sat 15-Jun-13 23:58:24

OK, I have to turn in now, as it's late. I'm nowhere near as experienced or knowledgeable as many other ladies who help out victims/survivors of DV on here, and I'm sure the cavalry will be along soon.

I will say, though, that your children will be much happier out of this situation. The "immunity" your DD has is a coping strategy that helps her survive in the terrifying environment she's in, and she would much rather not have to use it at all.

snozzlemaid Sun 16-Jun-13 00:00:31

She may not appear to 'bat an eyelid' when she sees him attacking you, but I can only imagine what harm her witnessing this is doing to her. You need to do what you can to protect her from this. She should not be living with this going on. Poor child. Get yourself and your dc out of there ASAP.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 00:07:01

It's good that you're leaving him. When are you going?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:07:48

Thank you guys. I think it's too late for dd and I'm terrified she will live with the same when she is older but it was that that made me realise with my ds. I have to get out before he grows up like it too and ends up abusing his wife. I hope to god my dc doesn't let a man do that to her because of me.

Also lately as dh has managed to get on side of older dd , dd is saying that she wants to stay with dh!!!! I know it won't last long and she thinks it will be great because he won't be around to actual parent her as he don't really give a toss about anyone but himself and she will change her mind. I hate him so much I wish he would just vanish from our lives like magic. They do gang up on me now and then and right now dh is taking great pride in the fact that dd wants to stay with him. Night all and thanks for your late night support.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:10:10

Whitebirdbluesky...two weeks maybe three bloody tenant in the house now is waiting to be housed by council and council are making an arse of things and telling her she needs to be evicted to be housed by them and the whole process is taking so long.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 00:12:19

Do you have to move into that particular house?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:14:58

The situation is that it a colleagues house and I'm not paying much rent and no deposit and hb is able to be paid for rent. I would've be able to afford another house. It is a beautiful house and I have my heart set on going there.

SimLondon Sun 16-Jun-13 00:15:16

Why are you putting your children through this? go, tomorrow for their sakes.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:24:39

Please don't stay there any longer than you have to. Family have offered to put you up, take them up on their offer and move into the new house when it's ready.

Abusive men often up their game when their partner is leaving. He sounds exactly the kind of person who would hurt the DC to get at you or kill you before you can go for good.

Two women w wknd are killed by partners or ex partners, people like your

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:25:01

Husband. please don't be another statistic.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 00:26:33

Two women a wk that should've said.

waterlego Sun 16-Jun-13 00:27:57

Good grief, this is horrendous. I am so glad you're planning to leave- please, please do follow through with that plan.

Did you say upthread that family have offered to have you at their house? Please go there until you can get a place of your own. Some women manage to leave men like this with literally nowhere to go, but if you have family who are willing to support you, that's a wonderful thing, and a chance you should grab with both hands.

Please don't let this man wear you and your children down any further. This will be having a monumental impact on your children, as I know you realise, and I am not trying to make you feel guilty in saying that- you have no reason at all to feel guilty- he is entirely responsible for this misery...but your children need to see you making a stand, for your safety and theirs.

All the very best. xxx

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:29:24

Your thread is a horror to read.

Please do everything you can to get out now.

No one goes to the the gym 4 hours a night 6 days a week in a healthy regime.

I feel so sad for you and your DC and I'm a gym obsessed wife.

Nothing you have posted is normal and reads so so wrong

Where is your RL help? I have none but would never live like this

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:32:23

Just read up

Tell him to leave, get help to get him out

Wher are you? Me and DH will get him out!

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:43:05

That's a shocking statistic ponkyredrose...chilling to the bone!
I'm finding it hard to bare but I know we will be out soon. My family are great but they have full households and the only one who doesn't is my step dad but my mum passed a few years ago and I've hardly been able to go there since as its hard with her not there it feels strange. Other family are in London and too far to commute for work and school. I'm going to work something out though.
Briansbrain...that made me smile ...your kind offer of removal...he won't go anywhere I've tried that one already.
What do u guys think about dc suddenly saying she wants to stay and live with dh!!!! Just shows u how he has twisted things...they are getting on at the moment and he is loving it. They often gang up on me dc really thinks dh is cool coz he is more like a friend or brother than a father. That's when he is being half decent to her which won't last long. I have a good mind to let her do it and see how long she lasts but that's like feeding her to the dogs but I don't want her telling me I forced her I want it to be her choice.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:44:43

I'm getting all my d's mixed up...meant dd wanting to stay with dh she is a teenager.ds is a mummy's boy to the core

Lweji Portugal Sun 16-Jun-13 00:45:28

Have you considered that your DD may be scared of your OH? And trying to get on his good side?

Oh, and:
I worry that he may lose it one day
That day is passed.

Ring WA. You might get a refuge place while you can't get in the new home.

Still, all the best on moving out. Stay safe, as when leaving is the most dangerous time.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:46:16

What is RL?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 00:48:06

Lweji...I will, good point. Thx

BriansBrain Sun 16-Jun-13 00:51:16

Real life support

Really pleased you are reading our posts

If you are near me I will offer help

Do you know how to PM me your address?

Lweji Portugal Sun 16-Jun-13 00:52:27

RL is real life.

When I suddenly left home I went to my sister's. DS and I slept on a sofa bed and had to borrow pjs, as I only took my hand bag. It had suddenly hit me that neither of us were safe with now exH.

I'm sure your family will protect you and be happy to see you safe, even if their houses are full, if necessary.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 01:03:20

Id like to go to my sisters maybe I should run it by her again it would be manic with all the kids and she's not good at saying no but I know she would help she has been my rock

CrackersandCheese Sun 16-Jun-13 01:55:13

I really don't understand the point in seeing the tenancy agreement through when you could just leave now.

You have offers from people who care and want you to be with them.

Life is too short to wait around. And getting some distance may help you see things more clearly.

RhondaJean Brazil Sun 16-Jun-13 02:02:04

My darling.

You have plenty advice re the abuse so I will pick on one thing from you op min the hope it smokes you sct.

My dp is a personal trainer we are both gym junkies. Noone is there from 8 til after 12. He is not only abusing you he is taking you for a fool.

Get angry. Then get out. And if you need help we are here.

You can do this. Be strong x

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 16-Jun-13 02:11:12

Then I can see why you'd wait for that house.

Your sister would be doing you a massive favour, that is true. But isn't it one you'd do her if your situations were reversed?

differentnameforthis Sun 16-Jun-13 02:18:00

Dc is immune to it all she don't bat an eyelid anymore when he attacks me

She isn't immune to it. It has become so normal for her now, that it doesn't shock her anymore. To her, it is as normal as adding milk to your cereal.

And it won't shock her either, when her boyfriend/husband hits her. Because she thinks that is what life is about. If not for you, you need to leave for her, and teach her what normal really is, before she starts any meaningful relationships.

differentnameforthis Sun 16-Jun-13 02:21:23

telling her she needs to be evicted to be housed by them and the whole process is taking so long

My sister went through this process, she refused to leave her rented accom & the landlord had to evict her (she thinks she is entitled to council housing). It took MONTHS, op, MONTHS not weeks, Please, for the sake of your kids & your self, don't wait that long.

OhTiger Sun 16-Jun-13 02:29:02

Leave darling. Leave and don't look back. He's not ill, he's not a good man, and he may kill you our one of your children.

You have had the best advice here, please take it and run like the wind. You know your situation is wrong or you wouldn't have posted.

I wish you the very best of luck, and am praying you leave

whitesugar Sun 16-Jun-13 10:29:58

I would advise you to leave too. Stay at your sisters, you shouldn't be there too long. I left my EXH 14 years ago because of DV. DC had contact with him & all seemed well. When they became teenagers & less compliant he assaulted them. They didn't go to him for while. He then emailed my DD aged 16 and said he was so sorry & missed them. Contact resumed and DC seemed fine. I disagreed with contact but sociAl services said I had no say as DC could decide themselves as they were 16 (DD) and 14 (DS).

DD was acting up & I was trying to discipline her - normal teenage stuff. After a row she would storm off to his house and say she hates me. He encouraged this behaviour. DS said he was happy to go & seemed fine. I kept telling them they didn't have to go but they said they were fine.

In the last few weeks DD was being really rude & verbally abusive. I didn't freak out but listened. She told me she hates her father & blames him for ruining us. She said she only goes because she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a master manipulator. Yesterday my DS got drunk. When I got him home he cried his heart out & told me he hates going to his father's but did it to keep the peace.

Apols for long story which is really just to say you are not alone in what's. happening to you. Also a heads up that when DC say they are fine & they look like they are in good form they actually are not fine at all.

You are doing the best thing for yourself & your DC. None of it is going to be easy but you will feel relieved to be away from him. Good luck with everything. Keep doing what you know is best & get away from him as soon as you can. Being at your sisters would be ideal for support for the first few weeks of leaving. You would do it for her. Have an honest chat with DD & she might just open up about her true feelings.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 11:20:43

Your daughter isn't immune to the abuse. She's just used to it. Same as I was when I was a teenager. I ended up in abusive relationships as I didn't know it wasn't 'normal'.

You have the power to change things. Show your DC how different life can be.

I would go to your sisters today. Pack clothes and documents and just go. Who cares if it's crowded there. Better to live in a crowded house than not be alive at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 11:23:46

Not much to add to all the great advice you've been given except to say that your husband is not 'ill'. He's a violent bully that despises women and that is not an illness, it's a deliberate choice.

I hope you get yourself and your DCs away safely and that you get all the help you deserve. Willing to bet that your teenage DD will change her mind when he can't keep up the act. Keep the door open to her

Fairenuff Sun 16-Jun-13 11:36:03

He doesn't really think you will go. When he realises you mean it, he will become even more dangerously violent. He might not let you go.

Don't mention leaving to him again, just make plans quietly and quickly to move out as soon as you can. Is Monday the earliest you could go, whilst he out of the house?

Wolfiefan Sun 16-Jun-13 12:18:51

I've been in a similar situation (as the DD!) your kids won't hate you. My mum was too terrified to leave before I'd left home. I did beg her to get out at one point.
To your DD this is normal. She's just scared of her life changing.
Be safe.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Jun-13 16:24:50

How are you today OP?

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 17:06:59

Thanks all I have read all of your posts. I don't think I've realised how bad it actually is as as well as the kids I'm used to it too. I used to think that it was important to stay together as a family as breaking up would hurt the kids more and I always told myself I would get out when they were grown up but I can see now it is worse to stay for them and for me. If it is as dysfunctional as it is there is never a good reason to stay together. Unknowingly I have not put my children first and I feel terrible for that as they shouldn't have had to put up with what they have had to witness and hear.
I'm ok today thank you had a spat earlier but I just kept quiet dh spouting off as usual. Been called some nice names but that's all. I couldn't bring myself to give him the Father's Day present from the kids I feel a little bad about that. Never done that before. No matter what happens between us I always do what I should like make him dinner wash his clothes etc etc.
I've been given a moving in date to the new house which is good and its a 3 weeks away.
I also told dh last night that if he ever laid a finger on me again then I would call the police and I mean it and we will see who they think is right and who is in the wrong.
Thanks all x

garlicnutty Sun 16-Jun-13 17:07:18

Bodybuilders experiment with sub-cutaneous injections of human growth hormone and of testosterone (steroids.) Some also inject vitamin B12 this way, but it's only known to be effective in vegan bodybuilders and those with certain blood disorders. In deficient bodybuilders, B12 improves strength & endurance.

The side effects of HGH are not yet known, apart from a rash at the site of injection, however it's likely that supplementation with HGH will prove to increase cancer risks. There have been reports of erectile dysfunction with HGH. Some bodybuilders use it to increase the ratio of lean tissue to fat.

The side effects of testosterone are well known. Erectile dysfunction, sudden raging hunger and/or tiredness, hot and cold flushes, thinning skin, allergies, headaches and temper tantrums are common. "Roid rage" refers to sudden, irrational and violent outbursts. It can be extremely dangerous, leading to murder in several documented cases. Bodybuilders use steroids to increase muscle bulk and power. They find it hard to give up because they can't get equivalent results from their training without the hormone, and there are withdrawal symptoms.

Your husband sounds extremely dangerous, Crystal. I agree you should leave as quickly as possible; sort out the other stuff later. You might need to leave DD1 with her darling daddy - if so, just keep in contact with her so you can stay on top of things.

I'd recommend both calling on your sister's help and Women's Aid. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Good luck, keep posting.

garlicnutty Sun 16-Jun-13 17:08:33

Cross-posted. Can you not just clear off with the younger DC for three weeks?

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 17:18:42

get out, your children shouldn't have to have these memories. If you don't get out as soon as possible with all your children, you are doing them a disservice.

If your DD doesn't like it tough. You are her mother, not her friend

MadBusLady Sun 16-Jun-13 17:31:51

Hi Crystal, glad you're ok today.

You're realising a lot of things in a rush and it's a lot to take in, you sound stunned but very brave and I am full of admiration. Please try not to punish yourself for what's passed, you are going to protect your children NOW and that is what matters. Also I totally agree with Custardo re your eldest. She is old enough to have a say in what happens to her when it comes to the legal process, but for now I think plan to protect her like you are protecting the younger ones, whether she claims to like it or not.

BUT. I'm a little worried. He sounds unhinged. He really does. Your thoughts are obviously moving fast, so is it possible you are still emerging from a state of denial about how immediately dangerous he is?

Please, please do consider calling Women's Aid and quietly arranging your exit sooner than the moving in date. Does he know about the moving date? Apologies if you've said this above.

Please contact women's aid. If you can't go to family they may be able to help you find a place in a refuge. You and your children are not safe where you are.

minouminou Sun 16-Jun-13 21:06:13

Been thinking about you today, Crystal.
If you can, make him think you're going in three weeks, but go beforehand....to your sister's or wherever....just for a week.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:06

flowers flowers flowers thinking of you Crystal.

CyrstalStar Sun 16-Jun-13 22:25:40

Thanks all. It's nice to have such great support from you all. My ds has autism so it can be really hard dealing with it all at times.

Lweji Portugal Mon 17-Jun-13 05:53:10

You are sounding very strong. smile

But, as others said, that could spell danger for you yes.

If he knows you are moving in 3 weeks, or suspects it, he's likely to become worse.
Make sure you have things ready(ish) and just pick up the kids and go if you get warning signs.
In any case, I'd want to move out before when he thinks you are.

And yes, take all children. Your DD should experience not being around him. Then let her decide.
Lots of women go back after leaving their OHs for the first time.
Your DD may be under a similar spell.
Maybe you should get counselling for her.

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