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DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together(184 Posts)
NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.
Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).
Is it possible he could be having an affair. His fault-finding would be fairly typical behaviour of someone who is no longer emotionally fully invested in the relationship.
Btw I'm v sorry he's so unappreciative of you.
Sorry. The first thing that came to my mind is affair. It sounds like he is trying to excuse himself in his own mind for his actions. i.e. she is not perfect so I am entitles to play away.
It really isn't about you. If you were suze zero he would find something else.
I get get rather angry when OH's go on about their partners weight, is he the perfect specimen of manhood then?
Tbh it sounds like the weight issue is an excuse to have a go at you, you say he works away alot. Presumably he stays in hotels and has everything done for him, meal on the table, beds made and everything tidied up for him. it sounds like he has become used to having a 'staff' of people ready and waiting to clean up after him. Coming home to the normality of life and having to do things himself is probably a bit of a shock (and thats not excusing him, just a possible explanation).
Can you ask him straight out what the problem is? Will he see that he's making you feel bad and talk to you properly?
Sorry he is probably looking for justification for his cheating behaviour.
I would do some digging around before you start blaming yourself and try to be the perfect wife.
Too right don't start trying to be the perfect wife, he's a rude twat. Ask yourself, would he say that to other people in his life, a female friend, his mum, his sister? No he wouldn't so he has a bloody cheek saying it to you.
Affair ime, or at least on the brink of one.
Get your angry on, that's my advice.
Sorry - but I think 'affair & justification' too
Abusers can be plausible to those in the outside world, your family liking him means nothing really because they do not have to live with him day to day. Also such criticism can wear a person down and they can come to believe it.
It would not surprise me at all if he was found by you to be having an affair.
Presumably if you commented like he does you would be shot down in flames verbally.
His comments are an excuse to have another go at you, he's already criticised your supposed laziness and lack of discipline. All that strikes me as he actually being a nasty piece of work. So I have to ask the question why are you together at all now?.
I do admit that my first though was that somebody had turned his head but not that he's having a full blown affair perhaps.
I would be crushed if my man said stuff like that to me.
Maybe a come to Jesus conversation should be had in the near future.
Be very vigilant of an affair, sounds like cognitive dissonance to me also.
I'm not sure I understand " it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired". I mean, yes, when you're tired you're more likely to be a bit cranky or argumentative, but to say nasty or hurtful things is something different. I think perhaps rather than dismissing what he says you should be a bit more angry and offended about it. Why on earth would he say such things?
I also thought affair - sorry.
So you haven't changed? Just his feelings towards you?
So after children, and being older you're thinner than you were when you got together but now you're too big??
That makes no sense, and two even if it's how he has begun to feel it's incredibly cruel to say that to you. I think cognitive dissonance too. He feels justified to think about cheating/to cheat because you clearly (in his thinking) don't want him to stay faithful to you, or you'd have lost a stone or two.
I agree, the possibility of his being embroiled in an affair, or starting to contemplate one does seem realistic.
From your thread title, I thought a hearty rejoinder of 'well, I can't look past you saying stupid hurtful things like I used to' might be in order. But it seems the criticisms are coming on more than one issue, and although I think partners need to be able to say bad things as well as good to each other, it is vital that kindness and consideration remain; and he seems to have crossed beyond that.
Have you considered telling him that his working away from home isn't proving acceptable to you? Even if it means a career hit or change of job, you'd rather take those and have him properly at home and the two if you working as a team? Some couples can sustain working separations, there's can't. It's not a judgement, it simply a description of how things are for you. That's on an assumption that things were OK before the absences started. If he won't take your point of view seriously, then I'd take it as a bad indicator.
What an utter knob!!!!! He actually said that to you? Out loud? And you seriously didn't kick him squarely in the nuts? If he's away, quite honestly I'd tell him to not bother coming home. What a shit.
What a cruel thing for him to say to you & the least likely thing to inspire you to continue losing weight!!
Or if its not an affair could be jealousy of your weight loss and trying to bring you down a peg or two, have you started a new job or got new friends or anything that would make him jealous?
Theres weight you need to lose, its called Dead weight, i.e "D" P,
Definitely, an affair or someone has caught his eye.
" He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him"
FFS.... when you think that a partner is meant to be the one that loves, cherishes, respects and cares for you WARTS AND ALL... who the hell does this arse think he is? That's the kind of withering critique an employer says to one of their less talented staff at an appraisal.
Aren't you furious ?!!?!
Not making enough effort for him!
What a massive wanker, I'm sorry to have to say I agree with the others about the possibility of an affair.
And you are with him still because?
"not making enough effort for him" WTF!
I'm so sorry. I read the title and my first reaction was not affair, but what, if anything, is he lovingly doing to support you if it would be beneficial to your health to lose weight
My friends friends wife had a heart attack. My friend
* my friend panicked and started telling his wife in an unhelpful way that he was worries about her weight etc,
I sat open mouthed as he repeated what he had said then told him he would have got a kick in the undercarriage if I was his wife. I helped him phrase things better and they supported each other to lose a stone each.
Do you do any sport?
Not sure why everyone's up in arms about this. You're in a romantic relationship with someone. A big part of it is about physical attraction. Otherwise, why not just be good friends?
Doesn't sound like he's insulted you. It sounds like he's being honest.
That's not honest at all. 'I can't look past your weight any more' means 'I used to think you were tolerable but now you're substandard'..... MASSIVELY insulting
What sort of work is he doing when he is away? Is it where for instance he sees a lot of well groomed women?
Or is eating in restaurants or hotels where people are well groomed?
Is he working and being in situations where everything has to be just so.
Another one who thinks this is him justifying cheating or contemplating it.
If that is the case, then nothing you do would ever be good enough.
What everyone else said (except waddle cakes). He's either having an affair or contemplating one.
If it was one remark, well, maybe he is tired, but a series of new faults is something else.
He has fallen out of love with you, I am afraid.
Maybe an affair, maybe a new mate, who knows.
The important thing is that he is not treating you with respect.
If he wants out, he should say so and give you the freedom to build a happy life.
If he wants to stay in, he needs to reflect on the real causes of his behaviour, i.e. not you but what has changed in him, address this causes and change. Noticeably so, where you are the judge of change, not him.
Or ''I can't look past your weight any more'' might mean ''You used to be a bit overweight but now even more so, and you've also just generally stopped bothering with your appearance and it's making me find it difficult to want you.'' (OP said he mentioned her being 'lazy').
What's wrong with that?
Or would you rather he said nothing and then went to find a OW he finds attractive?
There's no evidence that the op actually is fatter, or lazier. In fact she actually said if anything she is slimmer now. So he's just picking faults. Which pretty much makes him an arsehole.
(OP said he mentioned her being 'lazy'
That doesn't mean she is lazy, it's just another casual insult to throw her way in preparation for the time he tells her he's having an affair.
You have low standards if you think a comment like this is what a respectful person would make to another. Would you find it ok for a friend to say to you 'Oh waddlecakes I just can't see past your weight any more and I don't want to be around you'?
This is just about being a respectful human being. Why do you think people should put up with less from a partner?
I don't automatically think 'affair'. I do think "twat" though.
So he's perfect is he? He's certainly not that perfect if he's being unkind to you. Maybe tell him your finding it difficult to get past the fact that he's turned into someone who is unpleasant and critical.
Do you think he has met someone while away and is trying to provoke you into separating? If he treats you terribly and this is horrible it will take the onus off him to do anything He is wrong on so many levels. I would call his bluff tbh Say you can't look past how he treats you and maybe you need a break.
I would be angry, sorry but men like that are so irritating. And it usually men who think having a shower is making effort at their own appearance and no doubt have wobbly beer bellies. Sorry last bit was abit uncalled for......
He married Rain when she was heavier than now, and now he takes issue with it?? Rain mentioned he comes home and wants house and life perfect.
I'm worried that something is amiss. What's changed that he's noticing so many faults aside from Rains weight, house, etc??
Really sorry Rain
Waddle I disagree, My DH has a largish nose, but I'm not going to tell him tomorrow, Hmmm I think I take offense to your nose now?!?
I love him for more than his looks, yes looks are important, but ffs in 30 years it isn't going to matter then, it will take more than looks then.....
Definitely something amiss.....
Sorry - I think affair too.
"Darling, I have noticed you have put on quite a bit of weight recently and I am worried for your health. Is there any way I can help or support you in a healthier lifestyle" = fine
"I know you are thinner than you used to be but its still not good enough, nothing you do is good enough, you are not good enough" = arsehole
If you add on to that that it is a sudden change in behaviour which just happens to coinside with him being away from home loads = self justification for having an affair.
^^ what January just said.
I'd be furious
Sorry - I agree with the affair thing too.
Been there got the t-shirt and it's all too familiar!
Is he a really fit bloke that weighs exactly what he should?
Get angry and don't let him to speak to you like that anymore!
Do some digging to find out about another woman.
Sorry for disappearing. He could easily be having an affair to be honest, he's away quite often for a few months at a time so there does have to be a certain amount of trust involved. I don't think he would but then he is behaving out of character, I'd been trying to ignore that possibility really.
He stays in hotels sometimes, other times he might be in a rented place for a few months, it depends how long he's there for really. I tried to ask him what his problem was last night and that was how we got onto weight.
I haven't had biological children, so it's not a case of he was attracted to me before kids. We're not married. I've never actively tried to lose weight, but looking at pictures I am slimmer now than when we got together. I'm a UK size 8/10 but I'm quite short (5''2ish). Can't pluck up the courage to weigh myself. No idea what my BMI is and I accept I could be slimmer but I'm definitely not in danger of having a heart attack. I go to the gym, I swim and I do dance classes. I don't think I put any less effort into my appearance than I did three years ago, but DP clearly does. This is very out of character for him in all fairness, up until a couple of weeks ago we'd never really had any full on disagreements/rows.
If you're an 8/10 he can get fucked. He's a weasel. Your weight, my hole.
You're an 8/10!
What an arsehole.
You're 5'2" tall and a uK size 8-10???
On which planet, exactly, is that overweight????
You are not overweight OP. Your OH is a dishonest arsehole. Whether or not he's having an affair remains to be seen, but to calls someone who wears a UK size 8-10 "overweight" clearly has totally unrealistic expectations of what a healthy woman should look like.
Ah. Not good at all IMO.
Don't have unprotected sex with him.
Gather copies of all your financial dealings.
Seek evidence of infidelity.
Tackle him in case he is just being a complete wanker.
Decide whether you feel he warrants the effort of continuing. You sound to me as if he should be making much more effort for you.
WTF - you're an 8/10 and he has an issue with your weight!!?!?
Lying bastard - he's up to something.
Typical "distancing" and "demonising" behaviour from someone in the throws of, or seriously contemplating, infidelity
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! i'm 5'2" and size 10/12 and I don't feel fat! I know I am healthy slim, but possible not slebslim, magazine slim? tell him to fuck off and good luck with clara devigne.
I was picturing you at least a size 16. What a KNOBBBER your husband is. If you are size 8 then you really don't need to lose a GRAM
I just knew you would be very slim and not some poor woman who is housebound because she weighs 30stone.
20 yrs ago I had a prick of a boyfriend who constantly called me fat (5ft 8 and a size 10) and he did this to make me feel shit and that he genuinely felt I wasn't good enough for him.
Your DP may or may not be having an affair but the real fact we have is that he has no bloody right to speak to you like this. Tell him to go fuck himself.
He is clearly disgruntled about something. Whether he is thinking about an affair I dont know.
I think I would be tempted to ask him outright.
Even if she was a size 16 thats STILL no excuse to behave the way he has.
Waddlecakes comments like yours is how eating disorders start. Very victim blamey In fact its the second victim blaming comment ive seen on these threads in the past 24 hours.
Its about time women were valued for more than just their looks. Too many ppl have been brainwashed by "slebrity"
i need to shorten my advice in the light of recent information.
TELL HIM TO GET TO FUCK!
'Darling, I'm afraid I'm no longer happy with the size of you penis.I know it's the same as when we met, but now I feel I need a bloke with a bigger one. Sorry.'
Omg!!!!! Im 5 foot 3, and i'd love to be a 8/10.
Theres definately something amiss here.
and tell him exactly what Hesterton just said, not satisfied indeed.
Yeah, coz of course you could, if YOU felt the need to, lose weight. He, on the other hand, is going to be pretty stuck trying to alter the size of his knob.
I don't understand. How exactly is your size something he has had to "look past" if you're a size 8-10?
The more I hear about this man the less I like him.
Thanks for the reassurance. I'm tempted to try and say something to him tonight (no idea what) but it would have to either be over the phone or via skype, not as easy as face to face plus I'm not very good at confrontation.
He thinks it would be OK if I was taller (though it's not my height he's complaining about) but in proportion to my height I look fat. I do look younger than I actually am and still have what my mum would call 'baby fat' in my 20s . So I wonder if that's where he's coming from, but I honestly don't look huge and I'm definitely buying the right size! FWIW he does work with a lot of women who are 'magazine slim'- the ones I've met anyway.
hesterton I wish I was that brave!
Stop questioning yourself, the bloke is a prick
Why would you need to be brave to hurt him like he has hurt you ?
Do you feel he is too good for you, like you are batting above your average ?
You won't be, btw
I'm sorry I am siding with your DP on this one...
You do need to lose weight...HIM
SAY FUCK YOU!!
Do tell him to get to fuck and what Hesterton has said. This man is a nasty piece of work.
In no way is your height/dress size fat. Don't even think about it.
What a Cock
Tell him to fuck off!
Seriously irrespective of whatever size you are he is a twat.
You are in your 20s, you are a size 8-10, you have no kids and he is a prick of the highest order.
Life is too short to deal with that much crap. You need someone who will be there when life is hard. Someone you trust and someone worth fighting for. Do you really think this is him. 3 yrs in with no ties this should be sunshine and roses, not self doubt and pain.
Really tell him to get to fuck. He really isnt worth the heart ache.
Yup. It's time to lose some serious weight - about 12 stone. Dump the fucker.
You are not overweight. I don't think there is any way you could be and be a size 8-10!
I am 5ft 1inch and a size 16. I am overweight! (but working on it!)
His statement is manipulative!
If you are in any serious doubt about your weight - book an appointment with your GP practice nurse!
"... he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together..." How very gracious of him.
You are so young and have so much going for you. Do you really want to spend your life with this man? Couldn't you write him off as a starter relationship and spend some time being single and having fun? Apart from him being a complete twat, it must be lonely for you having him live away a lot of the time. Can you imagine some other kind of
twatless life for yourself?
Op I'm exactly the same height and size as you. An XP gained 4 stone when we were together (2 years) he started telling me I needed to 'tone up' and commented on everything I ate.
Turns out, He was behaving like a knob so id dump him coz he didnt have the stones to dump me and wanted to play the victim.
Any man who says this to you is a wanker, use the penis comment from pp and walk away with your head held high
Is he having a fucking laugh? Send him a 'You're dumped' e-card with a photo of you noshing through a tub of Ben and Jerry's whilst flicking the V-sign.
Seriously - this is complete bollocks and you need a massive dose of self-esteem.
I'm curious about what Waddle feels about her/his comment now.
He thinks it would be OK if I was taller
this actually made my jaw drop
just who the fuck does he think he is?
His cock would probably be an ok size if he were a different species.
Just dump him
You're 8/10 and 5ft 2'!You're about the same size as a Jennifer Lopez type figure and absolutely a figure to die for.
Without a doubt he is a fuckwit and you're going to be better off dumping his flabby arse.
You are worth much more than being with this man.
So are you going to tell him to stop being a twat, say nothing or finish things with this prick?
What a horrible man. Either he has a majorly skewed view of what size is healthy or he's being a knob to grind you down. I'd bet on the latter.
Seriously OP LTB. If he can't cope with you not being Kylie-sized, what'll happen when you start to show signs of aging?
What if you had kids and were one of the less lucky ones in terms of the effect on your body?
I am shorter than you and a good size bigger. My DP will support me in my weightloss, but would never speak to me like that and still tells me I look lovely. This isn't because he's perfect, it's because he's not a dickhead.
An 8/10 is slim, even at 5'2.
He's an arsehole.
Seriously OP I looked hot when I met my husband size 10 32E boobs nice curves and I've had 3 kids now and I'm stretch marked a large size 14 and my boobs are nearly round my waist , and do you know what my husband wouldn't DARE say anything about my body or my weight, he has no right to.
If he takes issue with you at a size 8 pre kids and manages to make you doubt yourself , how will you feel when you do look worse?
Tell him to shit off!
And since it's not been said, get yourself tested for STDs.
Right DD is now in bed so will read through properly, back in a minute. I really need to pull myself together tomorrow, she's given me her panda because she thought I looked 'unhappy and a bit confused'
Ah I assumed you didn't have kids yet for some reason
Probably because she said she hadn't had biological children in a previous post.
I think OP needs something a little more constructive than "tell him to f* off".
Before you speak to him, prepare a script of what you are going to say and how you will react if he says something else nasty, eg "I don't think saying deliberately hurtful things is going to help us to work this out". Start by saying you we're hurt and upset by what he said about your weight and that you don't feel you have anything wrong with your figure. Perhaps ask him if there's an alternative to his working away all the time (you may already know the answer). Maybe suggest you both go out for dinner next time he' back (when is this) so you can discuss your problems. You'll probably get either denials that anything is wrong or he'll lose his temper and fling more insults so be prepared for both eventualities. Or he might apologize. Good luck! x
Ah sorry for the confusion- I don't have biological children, DD is soon to be special guardianship.
I don't want to upset him by coming down on him like a ton of bricks, is that weird? He's not normally like this, that's my dilemma. I don't want to end things with him if he's going to turn round and apologise next week and go back to normal. But then can't go on like this indefinitely. Should probably point out that we've both worked away from home a lot the whole time we've been together, we actually met working abroad. Since then I've moved to where I work most of the year and changed my work pattern because of DD, though I've always assumed we would both settle down properly eventually. DP lives here when he's not away working. I can't have kids so no worries there in terms of his reaction to me physically afterwards. For the last 3 years, DP wouldn't have made comments like this either.
Testing is a good point, I don't have any evidence he's cheated yet though. Going to attempt to confront him tonight (evening his time) if I can work out what the hell I'm going to say.
I'm a UK size 8/10 but I'm quite short (5''2ish).
Overweight in what planet?
You are only 1 inch shorter than me and I am a size 8. I certainly don't look fat.
What baby fat? I wonder if your mother has lowered your self esteem regarding your weight.
in your behalf.
I agree that it seems like he's trying to lower your self esteem or find an excuse for something (affair?).
It isn't just the weight comment though is it. You have said the is often making you feel inadequate. How eould you feel if a man treated your dd like this? What would your advice be to her?
This thing about expecting to come home to a perfect home stuff is bullshit too. But it rang v true for me when I was with exh when he worked away. He also made similar comments about my (cough) inadequate figure especially post baby. I seem to be posting this every day atm but here goes - I'm happily divorced
And exh was emotionally abuse, a textbook case.
He seems to have lost perspective to me.
But as I posted previously, I think you need to find out if anything untoward has happened.
If you DD is soon to be under guardianship is this all a new arrangement? Has he actually met her yet if he is away a lot? If so do you think he is struggling with the suddenly being a father part?
Apologies if I've completely got the wrong end of the stick.
Thid rings bells. Is this the guy that got time off to come and meet dd but wouldnt actually take it?
Ah yes. I remember this. I'm afraid the red flags are fluttering for me here too.
If that is the same guy somethigns not right as u are saying he has changed his behaviour from previous three years so he needs to tell u what's changed and he sounds not very nice
Managed to talk to him in his break and it was an absolute disaster, not sure where I stand now really. He insists he hasn't cheated but I'm not convinced I believe him. DP did refuse to come home for the week to meet DD yes, I've posted about some of the other milder problems over the past few weeks under a different NN (I was hoping someone would pick up on the similarities between that and my NC but it would seem my music tastes are too weird!). Things with him and DD have been much better- they have been sending each other postcards and talking on skype etc. I suggested DP could find somewhere else to stay when he gets back (only I have custody of DD so he's not legally taking on a 'father' role) but he apologised and was adamant he wanted to make a go of it- he and DD have been getting on quite well since then but that was when the comments with me started.
You have a dd now.
Go no contact for couple weeks.
He didn't want to meet dd.
Being nice over Skype to her isn't hard.
Being nasty to you is all too easy.
Dd doesn't know him she won't know any different if he doesn't come into her life .
No link between the names for me, apparently my musical taste is shocking, just the story rang too many bells!
Not legally taking on a father role means nothing when the expectation appears from your post that he will be taking on the fathers role. I understand that comes from both of you.
I wouldn't be going down the is he cheating route. Regardless of what you've both said before DD came into your lives it actually happening is a massive adjustment for everyone. Its all compounded that he is so far away and you are unable to talk properly.
Forget his comments and any suspicions at the moment as neither of you are thinking properly, hes probably panicking massively now reality has kicked in and things need to settle down whilst you all get used to the new set up.
Sit down and discuss things properly when he gets home.
I hope it works out for you all and your DD settles in well.
lweji that was what my mum told me it was when I was about 16 when it was pointed out at school, she promised me I would grow out of it, I did to a point but I'm still waiting for it to go completely. That's my own opinion though, not my mum's.
I don't want to end things with him if he's going to turn round and apologise next week and go back to normal
OP, it sounds to me that this behaviour of his, is going to be the norm, by his standards. He might be not cheating, who can say for sure, but even if he isn't, his comments still boil down to him being an insensitive, arrogant cocksplat.
He doesn't deserve you or your DD. Deep down I think you know that. I wish you and dd all the best x
I'm not planning on having any contact with him for a few days, I need some time to think. He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had, which apart from anything is making me more conscious of the fact that while he's abroad there has to be a great degree of trust between us and I don't really see how I can have that in him at the moment. I might try and call my mum tomorrow if I can work out where to start, not sure yet.
Seems like the weight thing is a catalyst not the major issue. I can resonate on the mother front.
FWIW my mother told me I needed to lose weight constantly as a teen because she had major weight issues. I was 5' and 8st at the time. I've spent my entire adult life thinking I'm fat and it's only now at 10.5st when I actually am overweight (and I've lost 10lbs to get here) that I realise I was fine before. That feeling is shit, IMO because I didn't enjoy being 'young and beautiful' because I didn't realise I was...
Don't let this guy put you in that space.
"He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had"
Uhhhh.... what the fuck? Of course you could blame him! I don't even understand what he means.
I don't know the circumstances of the guardianship, but probably what your DD needs right now is love and kindness and stability. If your DP can't provide that wholeheartedly then forget him.
It sounds like his laying the ground work, by trying to make you insecure about yourself, so that in his warped little mind, he can justify his reasons for cheating.
I realise this is anecdotal, but when I met my DP I had 2 children already (single mum) and I guess must be the same dress size as you. I also had/have a wrinkled, stretch-marked tummy (looks a bit like a deflated airbag ). My DP has never made me feel anything less than gorgeous; even when I carried DS3 and felt like a whale, he still made it clear he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met.
Don't allow this loser to bring you down x
He says not cheated but could I blame him if he had??
No excuse for that, it's bang out of order. That does change things and I'd seriously think before making him a fixture in your DD's life.
He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had
All the reasons why you should show him the door and put his stuff in bin bags on the drive right there in that little sentence. Twunt.
If he builds a relationship with DD and then pulls this self absorbed childish shit it could be awful for her. You need to be able to trust he will not hurt you or her, and that seems difficult from his recent behaviour. You have a child now and she comes first, before you but especially before him.
I think I've more or less decided I have to finish things with him if I'm perfectly honest with myself. All else aside, DD's been mucked around enough and it's not fair to put her through another muck around again knowingly.
His argument is it's my fault for being fat and physically unattractive to him- as has been mentioned on here it's almost as if he's trying to justify it to himself. He honestly wasn't like this a few weeks ago. I almost wish I'd just ended it when I spoke to him earlier but I think I was so convinced he was going to apologise that when he went in completely the other direction he took me back a bit. I probably should have expected it really but I didn't want to. I don't really see how we can move on from some of the things he said tonight if I'm honest.
Just to clarify I really don't blame my mum, she was the one telling me it was just a phase and I would come out the other end of it when I was being teased at school. I did to a point (admittedly not until my early 20s but I did go through puberty ridiculously late), I still don't feel I have lost what she would call 'baby fat' completely but that's coming from me, not from her. I am sensible enough to know the majority of what P is telling me is crap.
I'm not going to be able to sleep now, I'm highly tempted to go round the house with a black bag and pack his stuff up.
Put bbc2 on, watch breakfast club with me and chuck his stuff the fuck out.
I'm on it chubfuddler, had to go for Secret Life of the Cat on iplayer though as starting in the bedroom and Breakfast club not available online I have a bin bag though and I'm clearing his stuff out of here or I won't be able to sleep in here, will work out what I'm going to do with it in the morning.
Really? It's on BBC 2 you should be able to watch online.
Bag it and out it on the doorstep.
Yes do it
I clicked on this thread with a perspective of expecting it to be a very much larger lady and feeling very torn between sympathy and my honest feeling that for me, a very large size beer gut for instance ..would matter.
8/10????? That is an impossible size for me to imagine ever getting to and haven't been that size since puberty.
He is being particularly nasty to justify his exit or affair. Chuck him. Retain your self respect
Not available online according to my iplayer app, first time I've seen that message, I'm quite disappointed! Ah but he's abroad though, he's not going to have a chance to claim it until August, is that mean?
OP, so sorry, I twigged who you were part way through too.
I think you have made the right decision.
op you said the issues started around the time dd came into your life, he might be jealous that he's now not tge be all and end all for you, it's in no way an excuse to say those things to you but he night be saying them to cover these feelings he might be having?
go for it! with you in spirit and full of admiration
Just having his stuff in bin bags in one room somewhere, if there's no relative of his you can park it all with, will be therapeutic - at least it won't be scattered round the house as if you were still together. Sounds like his feelings for you were more fragile than you realised, and the arrival of DD has been a tipping point for him. So sorry.
I agree with Steffanoid. Sounds like insecurity/panic to me. I didn't get "affair" from OP.
That's not to say you're not right to finish with him if you think that's the right thing to do for you and your daughter. He has been bang out of order.
His argument is it's my fault for being fat and physically unattractive to him
By the same twisted logic, if you had an affair it would be his fault for being a wanker and emotionally unattractive to you. With the extra justification that he is demonstrably a wanker and you are demonstrably not fat! (Not that his words would be acceptable if you were).
You might be physically unattractive to him.
But that's about him, not you. We are not physically attractive to everyone, but we usually are for those who love us.
If that really is the case, he should be leaving you. Not blaming you.
I think you are quite right to remove him from your life.
Even if he were to apologise, he'd be likely to say similar things in the future and start the inevitable cycle of abuse.
By staying I can only see your self esteem go down.
Insecurity, jealousy and panic? Oh ffs, tell him to man up.
I think he has a 2 dimensional view of you. You have gone from being red hot lover to mother overnight. In hos mind mother = frumpy and that is why he is saying these things to yoi.
In A proper 3d relationship people have layers they can be all sorts of things to each other. Mother, lover, friend, confidante, companion etc....
That is not to say it is dds fault. If she hadn't come along it would have been another part of your personality he couldnt see past in the future. This just means you were never his forever!
Sorry for typos. You know what I mean.
Another one who thinks it's the sudden change in homelife (dd) that's triggered this. He says you '*are not making enough effort with him*' - ie you have more Important things in your life now than him, poor guy.
This will not change. He will not change. Get rid and concentrate on your DD.
He is being an idiot, if you are overweighted it will be always be better for you to loose some purely for health reasons, that is your husband should be worried about. I think he has some issues of his own, or he is unhappy for estress, overwork, resent you because you get to stay at home, and he has to go away often (does he like travelling?), or he is getting some female attention and got himself an EGO now.... Do not let him to put you down, if he say something about a fault of yours, you just mention one of your best qualities, and do not give it a thought. Now if he is unhappy, he needs to identify what is what he can not cope with and change it, maybe he should look for a work near home, and not take on with others (you)
To me, it sounds like he is not cheating, but is flailing around and trying to back out of the 'father' role. He is planting seeds of not being attracted to you as an excuse rather than saying, I don't want to be a dad.
He reminds me of a boyfriend I had at your age. I dumped him for a bloke who thought I had the body of a sex-goddess I suggest you do the same!
Thanks everyone for the support. I've been round the house last night and packed his stuff into bin bags (all of it I've found so far, anyway), he's car's currently in the garage so I've put them in there too. Relatives all live a few hours away unfortunately, plus I'm terrified about telling his mum, I'll let him do that. I reckon I've got a few days before I'll have to tell DD she's not going to be getting another postcard.
I think it could well be panic, but whatever it is I can't be with him if he's going to be like this, and it's too much to dismiss and excuse. After his could I blame him for cheating comment I'm really not going to be able to trust him. I like the two dimension explanation actually, that seems to sum it up quite well. I haven't actually told him I can't do this anymore yet though, I'm dreading that conversation. I don't think it's really hit me yet, I felt a bit like a weight had been lifted last night but not so much now.
I'm going to have to phone my mum later, not the faintest idea how I'm going to explain it to her, she thinks P is great (I haven't told her about any of the recent stuff and we're normally very close). And hold myself together in front of DD.
He doesnt deserve you OP And he doesnt deserve to be a dad.
You deserve nothing less than the best and he is nowhere near it.
And i will reiterate again that he had/has no right to say what he did whether you are a size 8 or a size 22.
I'm 99% I've got all his stuff packed up now, so that's something.
He's tried to call me a couple of times today but I've missed him (genuinely missed not 'missed', he did phone at a bad time but I'm not about to call him back, he wouldn't be able to answer now anyway). What I am struggling with is telling my mum what's happened, she tends to call late Saturday night/Sunday morning. I do feel quite ashamed actually, my family think P is lovely (which he was until a few weeks ago), slightly worried they're going to think I'm the one with the problem if I'm totally honest.
You don't have to earn people's approval. You can simply say the relationship made me Unhappy. tHE relationship made me feel lonelier than being alone.
That is an 'explanation' that people can understand, accept,
desist from arguing with you hopefully ... if you start saying "well, he said my bum looked big in the yellow trousers..." they will minimise it all and they just won't get it. You'll be made feel like you have no right to end the relationship.
She'll want to know why I was unhappy though, Another, that's the problem. You're right, it's the worry that she won't get it if I say what did happen, but I'm a crap actress when it comes to my mum and she'll know there's more to it than I'm saying. Sort of wish I could go up there really but it's about 4 hours each way and DD has school on Monday so not going to be a goer.
Your mother will come round. Mine wasn't very supportive when I left exdh. I ended up shouting and screaming at her. But that stemmed from historical things too.
Just tell her the truth. You have nothing to hide.
yeh don't worry if she doesn't get it. You don't need her permission. Although my mother was not abusive I do realise that I was trying to please her growing up and never really managing it, so if I explained something to her and she didn't get it, it was MORE upsetting than it should have been. I didn't seem to have that ability to shrug over her not getting my choices. She never acknowledged that by choosing something different from her I wasn't being awkward or making a point, I was just quite simply a different person from her.
So, Rambled there, but if she 'gets' it great, but if she doesn't get it, come here and vent and no doubt there will be thousands here who WILL get it.
Don't feel that you have to justify explain or defend the decision to your mum. Tell her why obviously but if she doesn't accept that your unhappiness is a good enough reason..... well, what can you say ot that.
He didn't mention health Bluecarrot, he said quite clearly he wants her to loose weight for him.
I'm such an idiot. Spoke to my mum, told her just that I was going to end things with P as wasn't happy anymore, cried like a baby and she's now on her way down to mine, she would have set off about 20 minutes ago and it's a 4 hour drive. I feel really guilty now.
Don't feel guilty. If it was your daughter crying on the phone to you what would you do? You wouldn't hesitate.
Big hugs. Your mum will look after you.
Dont feel bad. It is what any decent Mum would do. Glad you have her support.
Lydia read the thread, OP is not overweight, she is a size 8/10 at 5ft 2.
I think you are doing the right thing. Clearly your P is incapable of sharing you with a child. That says a lot about him.
Be strong with your mum, tell her the unvarnished truth (bolstered by everything that has been said to you on this thread).
He is not lovely, he is an arse and you need to be shot of him.
True, if it was DD I would go no matter how old she was. I'm going to have to stay up and wait for her though, she has a key but I'd feel awful leaving her to let herself in.
Plucked up the courage to weigh myself and BMI is fine, he's being an arse. I'm trying to reassure myself now, I do know it's stupid.
Aww lovely mum Take are.
So, your STBX is going to be doubly kicked out?
Any Mum worth their salt would crawl over hot coals to help their daughter out at a time like this. And I have read far too many threads on here where Ms have sided with the abusive ex for god knows what reasons.
Be honest with her. You have a lovely DM so let her be there for you and help you get through this. If only everyone had a DM like yours! Cherish her x
He doesn't know he's being kicked out at all yet Lweji, still not quite sure how I'm going to do it. But he's not coming back here when his contract ends in August, no. I haven't been able to look in the mirror today and I've made my poor mum drive 4 hours down the motorway at midnight because of him, there's no way he's coming back.
Oh I do Mary, she's fab
Nah she's spending 4 hours driving down the motorway cos she knows you need her. That's Mum business! And I say that as the Mum of a nearly 26 year old. We know what we need to do! Zero interference, just support when we are needed.
Good luck WatchingTheRain!
Soon you'll meet someone who will cherish you as you deserve.
You have a fab Mum OP, stay strong.
That's what good mums do-you will always be her wee girl. You are distresses -she will be there to support you.
I am so pleased you told her
Well done Watchings mum
I suspect mothers side with an abusive ex because they think it is all about them and therefore if their daughter can't keep hold of a man they thinks it reflects on them as their DD is probably similar in looks, etc.
oh good. glad your mum got in her car to come to you.
OP I know you've struggled to explain your weight / shape.. I am a similar height & weight and I know exactly what you mean in terms of 'puppy fat'... You just hold the little weight you have in areas that teenage / developing girls tend to do... Is that right?
For what it's worth I am a good 10yrs older and I still carry it in a similar way... I am not skinny but in no stretch of the imagination am I fat... In fact I am curvy where women are supposed to be curvy
I have had similar comments from an ex - it's one of the reasons he's an ex... It's hurtful and spiteful - you are doing the right thing and your mum all those years ago appears to have said it in a different way because you weren't hurt by it, in fact it made sense to you...
My mum told me I was fat so I understand the difference
Also for what it's worth my mum and sister are also similar heights but were super petite in their 20 / early 30s so there was a constant reminder to how I could be (which my mother pointed out a lot) but I have bigger hips & shoulders and huge knockers so I soon realised it was unrealistic... In fact when I lost a lot of weight when I was breast feeding I found that people were commenting that I looked really unwell - the lack of curves really did not suit me Thankfully as my son took more food & less milk the weight went back to normal
I have never let my mothers comments affect me - rather I have unpicked them logically like you are - by weighing myself, staying a health weight range & keeping my head when, like all women, I have not been happy with my weight.
Be strong - love yourself and look after DD
Oh god yes, I have only recently realised my mother actually has Food Ishoos (my formerly anorexic sister pointed this out) and that I am not a huge fat heifer (I am slightly shorter than you, I am a size 10 also with hips, shoulders and huge knockers ). Hang on in there.
Bit of a progression, I managed to get hold of P earlier and told him I was ending things. He completely flipped, don't think he was expecting it actually. Lots of insults thrown at me, mainly that I'm lucky he'll have me because I'm fat and unattractive and I won't get anyone else. He did want to negotiate time off work to come home and 'fix things' originally, but told him not to bother.
My mum is brilliant, I agree.
That's it Doris, much better way of putting it. Mine is all hip and belly fat left that won't shift, the bit you get just before you have a growth spurt and your body stretches out and matures, except I've been waiting for that part for about 10 years I was like that all over but the rest of it disappeared a few years ago. P has been specific in that it's this area his has a problem with. As I don't think it's diet, I exercise regularly and don't look 'fat' I'd accepted it as the way I'm built and not given it much thought, do want to try and get rid of it now though.
I'm hoping he'll tell his mum in a few days and she can come and clear his stuff out, I'm certainly not keeping it here until August now it's over.
I don't understand why you are still giving his "you are too fat" comments headspace
even though you have dumped him, you are still second-guessing his ridiculous comments
dump those issues immediately
Oh, just put his stuff in black bags and tell his mum to come and pick it up next weekend or you'll bin it.
Eee what a cheeky shit he is. You're well rid.
I'm trying to get his digs out of my head, it's not as easy as it sounds. Have emailed his mum, wasn't brave enough to call her and really can't predict whether he's likely to tell her or not. My mum wants to call him and shout at him, I'm holding her off. I'm also getting the locks changed tomorrow, I know I'm paranoid but it'll make me feel better. He's tried to call me since the last time we spoke but I've rejected his calls, lord only knows what he thinks is left to be said.
As in have emailed his mum to get her to come and clear his crap out my house.
What a horrible horrible man. for you OP
Well done to both you OP and your mum
He knows he isn't good enough for you and wants to bring you down with him.
I would imagine you have the type of shape that catches my eye in women and I'm straight doris said it perfectly.
What an arsehole.
What an utter shit he is. You do realise, rain, that he is saying all those things to you because by dumping him you have won?
He thought he could keep you emotionally needy and dependent by putting you down and now you're wise to him, prioritising your DD and not putting up with his crap, and he can't handle it. You and your DM should sit down and celebrate with a lovely or because you are bloody marvellous.
You can now start working on your self-esteem and you will have that moment when you look in the mirror and all you see is a strong, independent, gorgeous woman who deserves a real man.
Well done. Utter shit he is.
Waddlecakes, you have a lot to learn.
OP, what a vile man. He doesn't deserve you.
Please do not waste any time imagining there is something wrong with your body shape. His comments would be completely unacceptable even if you were overweight - there's a marked difference between someone gently suggesting you could stand to lose a few pounds but they still love you and "you are fat and unattractive to me and therefore worthless" which is basically what he is saying to you - EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT FAT. This is purely a vulnerability in your self-esteem which he is exploiting. It could be anything - he doesn't care as long as he can feel he has power over you. You telling him to fuck off demonstrates that his power is gone. And thank god for that.
Definitely change the locks, and focus your efforts on rebuilding your self-esteem. You are far too awesome - at any weight you choose - for a such a tosser.
Silent cheering here for you Rain!
Is the house in your name? Will you be ok financially? Not sure what the situation is with your dd but presuming you candothis on your own.
I actually feel a tiny bit sorry for him now, tried to call me again and my mum answered
House is in my name, finances are separate for lots of complicated reasons, we do have a joint account but not really used. A lot of the time we're not living together anyway because of his job and my job so in some ways nothing really changes I suppose.
Feeling fairly shitty about myself in all honesty but glad he's gone.
I think you should take some time with dd and your mum and do something to make yourself feel good.
Don't bother trying to get rid of it - it is just who you are and you are a healthy weight x
And for what it's worth even nearly a stone & half down I still had hips, belly and thigh to be proud of.
Ignore the bastard as well as leave him xxxx
It's the same thing I was teased over at school though doris, and my mum's 'it'll go eventually' explanation doesn't seem to be running true. It's not so much I'm unhappy with the way I look, I'm unhappy at being made to feel unhappy IYSWIM. But then with my luck at the moment I probably won't be able to get it off even if I do try. Feel a bit muddled really.
well done is all i can say
and i love your mum
Well you have just shed a large amount of useless weight.....him!
Bullies in school will find something to tease you over, they will find something you're sensitive about and tease you whether or not it's actually true.
Same as bullies at home.
You can't, can't be fat at a size 8-10. You remind me of me when I was 24. I moaned to everyone that I was fat and wore clothes to disguise my belly. And now, looking at the photos of me in a bikini, I look really thin, with maybe just a teeny-tiny belly. I would give anything to look like that now!
I Watched 'White Chicks' the other day on telly - now that is a movie that HATES women! All those skinny, skinny blondes squealing about their 'fat', their 'cellulite', their 'flabby' bits. Watch it, Rain and you'll see how ridiculous they are (made to look), and how ridiculous he is being to make you feel like that.
I'm 5.4" and a size 10, so similar to you. No way would anyone call me fat. And if they did, it's a problem they have, not me, or YOU.
And agree, bullies will find something; fat, eyebrows, bucky teeth, ginger hair - there is always something about yourself that they can go for. Again, that is their problem.
When you say all your finances are separate and the house is in your name, am I to take from that that he was not any old utter shit, he was a cocklodging utter shit at that?
We never got round to putting the house in both our names, rather glad we didn't now. Partly because we haven't been living together too long in the general scheme of things, because of him working away, me working away etc. Joint account is only really used for gas bill etc, I've cancelled my payment into that.
His mum is trying to convince me to take him back and has promised to 'talk to him' Not happening.
Thanks captainmummy, I'll have a look. Thanks everyone for your support, I do realise I must sound like a self obsessed teenager I am aware I'm not huge, just really loathe the fat bit at the moment. My mum thinks I'm being ridiculous.
It's an area that you have a sensitivity about; fair enough. Mostly you don't worry about it, and your mum has had a part in that, in your accepting of it. At the moment you are more sensitive about it, I suspect mainly - or wholly - due to your ex.
Your mum is trying to pull you back into where you were before he started on you, I think. It's exactly how my mum would have gone about it, too. I'm not entirely sure how helpful it is, but it would have given me a dose of reality and perspective, or that would have been her intention.
There will be fall-out from your split, inevitably. Your intellect is telling you what your mum is telling and your emotions are telling you what your ex (and those school bullies) told you.
I also think that if your ex hadn't picked on this then he would have found something else. Easy to say don't carry him with you for the rest of your life, but you do want to shed his malign influences, along with him!
I think he wants out now that you're going to have a daughter to look after tbh.
Glad you've ended it-she's more important.
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