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Sister thinks bf is rude & arrogant to me

(50 Posts)
rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:15:30

I went to see her yesterday with bf and we were talking & I corrected him over something that is a habit that I have. He wanted to make it aware that he was right and I was wrong so (what sounded to me like a joke) repeatedly told me to "shut up". Now, I could tell by the look on my sisters face that she didn't approve with him butting in on me saying something and telling me to shut up but I moved to another subject. She thinks he's rude because he said hello to my dad & her partner but didn't say anything else to them or engage in conversation with them afterwards. In fairness he could have done and did have chances to but I put it down to him just not wanting to. I know my sister doesn't approve of him because he is quite competitive and very much "if it's not perfect in my eyes it's not perfect at all". Little things bother him. For example if there's no bacon that he likes in the shop, he'll continually say how upset and pissed off he is. That to me isn't something to be pissed about. My sister said she thinks he's arrogant, stuck up & in his own bubble where he's right and everyone else is wrong. She said he makes excuses, won't accept where he's wrong and that if I answer back with my opinion and he sticks to his opinion he'll turn it into an argument. I hadn't noticed this but I nad noticed that Yesterday he seemed a bit grumpy. I can see what she means. He's not horrible to me but I can see how she means. I do feel silly when he tells me to shut up and when I tell him not to talk to me like that he laughs and says hes joking and he's sorry. He also won't take anything I say seriously. He laughs about everything that's serious to me and it makes me feel like I'm thick. Urgh I don't want to go through a break up tbh. We've been together 2yrs, he gets on with dd and I would just like to be settled with that. sad

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:15:49

I could have done with a few paragraphs in that.

DTisMYdoctor Fri 14-Jun-13 07:25:54

A loving partner is respectful and makes you feel good about yourself - they don't tell you to shut up and make you feel thick.

Not wanting to go through a break up isn't a good enough reason to stay with something. He may get on with your dd, but what impact will it have on her if she grows up watching him treat you badly?

I'm not a LTB type, but if I were you, I'd have a good hard think about whether I wanted to live with him for the next 40+ years. If not, for your own and your daughter's sake, get out ! You don't have to settle with what you've got.

Your man has a lot of red flags surrounding him.

Why are you together at all, what do you get from this relationship, what needs of yours are being met here?. Yes your needs.

Sometimes others can see things more clearly than those who are in the middle of it. Stop making excuses for him as well, why are you making excuses for him?.

Well if you do not want to go through a break up (though goodness knows why you do not if he is like this because such behaviour only gets worse over time) then your only choice is to put up with him. You could do far better however re a choice of man, all this man is doing is dragging you down with him by association. He will drag your child down as well. In your case it is far better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

He probably gets on with DD because she is easy to control. These men like women who do not or cannot answer back He does not take you seriously. Repeating "shut up" to you does not sound like a joke at all. He is saying, "get back in your box you and stay there".

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 07:28:12

I'd listen to your sister. He sounds worse than rude, he sounds like an arrogant bully. Telling someone to shut up is not 'joking' it's offensive and unacceptable. Ignoring what you say, making you feel stupid or laughing at your opinions is offensive and disrespectful in the extreme. How can you say 'he's not horrible to me' when he treats you with such contempt?

This thing about 'if it's not perfect in his eyes... etc' and making a big fuss about the wrong kind of bacon... he sounds petty, obnoxious and your sister is quite right to point it out. Does this 'upset and pissed off' act make you feel like you should be making an effort to make him happy? Do you feel responsible for keeping him sweet? Does he embarrass you by being rude to your Dad and his partner? Do you avoid talking about certain things to him because he'll tell you to 'shut up' or make you feel stupid?

'He gets on with DD' is a poor reason to keep letting this man treat you this way. Listen to your sister.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 07:29:40

Please read this article

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:33:49

Its only since yesterday I had started thinking that actually my sister is right. I don't know if anyone else has picked it up but just not said anything out of fear of upsetting me but I think yours right & so is my sister. I've never been treated like this so it's hard to see what's his true colours and what's a one off. This is going to sound weird cause I don't usually go by what horoscopes say but I.was reading magazine and mine said something along the lines of your relationship will make you reconsider what you want for your future & yourself. And it has.

tribpot Fri 14-Jun-13 07:35:40

He also won't take anything I say seriously. He laughs about everything that's serious to me and it makes me feel like I'm thick.

Would you - in a million years - want your DD to be with someone like that? If no, best not demonstrate to her that mummy settled for it when she was growing up.

You've made a whole bunch of excuses for him in your OP that don't even make sense: your sister thinks he's rude for not talking to your dad, you excuse it with 'well he didn't want to talk to him'. Er, so he was rude, then.

Disrespectful - especially of you - arrogant and over-opinionated. Personally I think this is a fish to throw back in the sea.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 07:35:52

Listen to your sister

Branleuse Fri 14-Jun-13 07:39:34

i think your sister is right actually sad

Hissy Fri 14-Jun-13 07:39:53

I think your sister has a point.

2years is round about thé time that many abusive traits start to come out.

For your sister to say something, she's thought it for a while.

No-one wants to go through a break up, but that should never be the reason to stay with someone.

You're worth more than this guy, so is your DD.

Don't settle with someone just because he gets on well with your dd.

I think your Sister is right and that he is a twat.

ginslinger Fri 14-Jun-13 07:42:49

Your sister is right. Dump him as fast as you can.

Lweji Fri 14-Jun-13 07:43:55

Another one firmly siding with your sister.

Do you live together?

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:46:55

Thankfully we don't live together though have considered it. I never ever thought I'd be in an abusive relationship. I thought they only consisted of physical abuse. If I was ever physically abused I know I'd leave. So why am I letting this happen? I don't allow people to treat me like this at work. I feel like such a twunt to not see this sooner. I don't want dd to feel this is normal.

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 07:49:16

Cogito - thank you for the article. It's put things into perspective and made things clearer.

Slainte Fri 14-Jun-13 07:49:40

Listen to your sister and then run for the hills. There's so many red flags here.

flowers for your sister

Your ideas and values have already formed but can you imagine dd thinking this is acceptable and behaving in this manner from spending time with him. She won't have a whole lot if friends!

Lweji Fri 14-Jun-13 07:59:28

Don't feel bad.
It's often difficult to see abuse for what it is from the inside, as they slowly build it up and disguise it as humour too.
You have to be particularly alert, and even then it's easy to think you are being too cautious or imagining things.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 08:02:12

"So why am I letting this happen? "

Don't be too hard on yourself. In the first weeks of a romance, it's easy to see the best in someone and ignore their faults. As time goes on, the more they get away with and the more used to it you become, the less you see the faults and the more you modify your behaviour to accommodate them. Abusive/controlling/selfish/bullying types know this and they deliberately exploit it. It often takes someone outside the relationship... someone not motivated by love or fear of loneliness... to point out that the Emperor is not wearing any clothes.

Glad you have a sister prepared to tell you the truth and glad you're listening to her. Good luck

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 10:12:47

I just spoke to my best friend cause I thought if anyone else would know a difference it'd be her. She said she didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to upset me incase it offended me but she thinks he's worse now than what he was last year. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:34:52

What a great friend for being so honest. Takes more than a little courage to speak out like that - even if you've been asked straight. Try to turn sad into a bit of indignant angry.... I think you're going to need it.

Don't feel bad that you didn't see it sooner.

It's insidious and doesn't start overnight...because if it did it would be noticed.

The point is that you're seeing it now.

Take action now that you're seeing it but not completely ground down yet thanks

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 10:42:01

Where do I start on this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:05

Do you mean where do you start dumping him? Or are you still thinking he could change behaviour?

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 10:45:30

I honestly don't know. Can someone like him ever change? Or is it going to be a case of he changes for a while?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:46:20

"We need to talk" usually puts the fear of god into them.... Follow up with "I've been thinking about us and don't see any future in it. It's over." No need to explain or complain.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 10:48:09

"Can someone like him ever change? Or is it going to be a case of he changes for a while?"

Miracles can happen... but, in the case of bullying types who are self-important, arrogant and entitled, you're talking about their core personality, not just a few behavioural ticks. Core personality is pretty fixed.

K8Middleton Fri 14-Jun-13 10:56:24

They don't change. You cannot change someone else and would be better off putting your energies into finding someone else.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 14-Jun-13 12:09:48

They don't change.

He could change. But only with intensive therapy and ALONE.

This means out of any relationship.

You can't fix him and you won't help him by sticking with it.

You owe your child and yourself better than this.

Listen to your sister and your friend. They've loved you healthily, normally and longer than he has!

OxfordBags Fri 14-Jun-13 13:22:38

He won't change. Because if he wanted to not treat you like this, he wouldn't be treating you like it already, do you see? He sounds very self-obsessed and verbally and emotionally abusive. And your DD will see you being treated like this and learn that that's how women should be treated like men. Do you want that for her future?

Crinkle77 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:23:08

I agree with your sister I'm afraid. To not engage in any sort of conversation to your family is incredibly rude.

spondulix Fri 14-Jun-13 14:23:29

He sounds dreadful: disrespectful and rude, your sister is right. I would not tolerate this behaviour from anyone, let alone a boyfriend.

Vegehamwidge Fri 14-Jun-13 14:37:38

Your sister is right.
And I can't get over the fact that he tells you to shut up as a "joke" and laughs at things you find serious, but gets all upset and pissed off over...bacon.

I think the 'we need to talk' is a good place to start.
cogito is right as always.
Don't engage too much. No explanations, just that you don't want to be with him anymore and it's over. Done!
Good luck and well done for recognising that it's wrong.
And..... No they very rarely change. It's not up to you to fix him. He's an adult and he has chosen to be this person.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 14-Jun-13 15:53:04

It's very hard to see when your in the relationship, your dsis and friend obviously care about you. My ex was abusive and made me feel bad about myself and made me grateful if he was even a bit nice to me. I always think of these times as me scrabbling under the table desperate for a crumb of affection.

He did become physically abusive, I actually think the number he did on my head was as bad as the punches.

How does he describe his ex girlfriends if he has any?

Justfornowitwilldo Fri 14-Jun-13 16:02:34

Don't feel bad. If he'd been like this from day one you wouldn't have gotten involved. He's gotten worse by increments, day on day, week on week. It makes it hard to see from inside the relationship. On the plus side, you have a sister and friend who care enough about you to risk telling you the truth.

DTisMYdoctor Fri 14-Jun-13 18:49:50

I really hope that this thread helps you realise you deserve so much better OP. A friend of a friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship that has got steadily worse over the years - she's about to marry him sad. My friend is at her wits end, she doesn't know how to make her friend see sense.

You deserve better. And your DD deserves better.

rainbowslollipops Fri 14-Jun-13 19:49:03

He is best friends with his ex but got a bit jealous when she got a boyfriend and didn't tell him hmm The only bad thing he said about her was that she was very basic in the bedroom and was very up & down with her mood. He said the only way they could stay friends was by sleeping together after breaking up. That's not me and personally I think that's a stupid thing to do.

anonacfr Fri 14-Jun-13 20:05:30

Excuse me???? That is wrong on so many levels. The only bad thing- he dismissed her as shit in bed and moody but that's the only bad thing?
And the only way he could stay friends with her was by sleeping with her?
That's not a friend, that's an easy shag when he feels like it.

He sounds vile.

MumnGran Fri 14-Jun-13 20:12:19

Family (of the non-toxic kind) like nothing more than to see the people they care about being happy, settled & loved.
As a rule, they don't start saying that a man isn't good for you unless they are seeing the bigger picture ... while we are ignoring small signs because we want the relationship to work.
To be honest, the things you are highlight could be identified as the early warnings of emotionally abusive patterns.

Your sister loves you. Listen to her
Your own small inner voice is spotting things he does that aren't quite right. Listen to it

Just because you have invested some time in this relationship doesn't mean you should stay with it when you KNOW he is acting oddly.
You have a DD to protect.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Jun-13 05:20:10

"He said the only way they could stay friends was by sleeping together after breaking up"

Wow... How up himself is he? She was allegedly so emotionally insecure she had to keep coming back for a piece of His Lordship just to remain friends ... and he graciously obliged? hmm When then was he the one pissed off when he got replaced? Bet if you spoke to her she'd have a completely different version of this fairy story......

Dozer Sat 15-Jun-13 09:39:35

What a tosser, run for the hills OP. Your sister and friends have your interests at heart, and if you ask others they will probably say similar things.

In telling you about his ex's "flaws" he was basically warning you: "do what I want in the bedroom and don't have emotional needs".

You and even more importantly your DD definitely do not need someone like this around. At all. Don't waste time and energy trying to change him.

kalidanger Sat 15-Jun-13 10:07:35

I think what he told you about his ex was bullshit, but designed to keep you on your toes. I.e. "Don't be annoyed or upset with me and work hard in bed" And also stating "you won't make the decision to get rid of me"

Ugh. Good luck OP

Thank God for your sister and best friend.
He won't change. Finish it now. It's better, easier, before he moves in. You're not alone, you have a lovely daughter and brilliant friends and family. I hate that story about his ex. IMHO men who claim women are 'bad in bed' are the ones with the problem. No-one is 'bad' at sex unless they have a thoughtless, selfish, mismatched partner.

Your sister is right, he is rude and all the red flags are flying high in the air!!
Get rid, you could do much better, he sounds hardwork, controlling, rude and quite simply a pita.

MaMaPo Sat 15-Jun-13 10:29:52

OP, I think you're wonderfully lucky to have a supportive and honest friend and sister. Keep talking to them - they'll be around for you when this dick has gone. Best of luck with this.

BOF Sat 15-Jun-13 11:50:49

The being rude to your family is a classic: you eventually feel too awkward to socialise at family occasions or participate fully, even on your own because you worry they are going to ask questions about him. So you end up seeing much less of them and fall further under his control.

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