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I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

(271 Posts)
OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:07:44

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

Lweji Thu 13-Jun-13 13:11:51

Yes, and you don't need to refund him.

wannabestressfree Thu 13-Jun-13 13:12:26

It sounds like my bf except he doesn't live with me. I am feeling slowly suffocated but know bringing anything up with him results in a meltdown..... he is very woe is me. He resents the amount I have my children [their father works away] not liking the fact we don't have 'our' time. I have introduced him to friends and he is quiet to the point of being sullen even in front of my family.

If we could live in a bubble it would be perfect for him. He has a very low sex drive but is very tactile.

Anyway sorry for hijacking. I really hope it goes well. If it feels wrong and that there is a problem there generally is.

I just like the time you can date people. Nothing all consuming etc.

you are so right. Learn from this! Remember, you don't have to justify or explain anything. You don't have to give reasons. its just not working for you. have a good birthday smile

FringeEvent Thu 13-Jun-13 13:14:48

I agree with Lweji on both counts

Sodapop55 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:15:42

If he makes you unhappy, do it. Much easier to finish while its still fresh and you're unhappy than two years down the track when you're committed much more (by kids, finances or otherwise) and utterly miserable.

3Caramel Thu 13-Jun-13 13:15:51

Only you know what is the right think to do, but it does sound like you'll be relieved once you've done it (always a sign that you've done the right thing)! And the fact you're so seriously thinking about it, yes, get it over & done with. Of course you'll be sad (and he'll be hurt) but that can't be avoided. Keep the explaination simple i.e. I just don't think that it's working out, rather than giving a reason that he could make excuses for e.g. it's all moved too fast.

I wouldn't mention money or reimbursing re bills/food or household purchases. If he brings it up, then just give him all the bits he paid for back.

Good luck! And happy birthday - sorry it's all coming to a head today of all days.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:17:35

Thank you Lweji

Meltdowns sound very bad news wannabe. I don't like the sound of that at all. Would you like to join me in binning? Strength in numbers and all.

I shall not be dating for Some Considerable Time. if ever

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:21:04

So how do I deal with the guilt of ruining his life? I know what I want (out), and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.

And I need not to be talked out of it.

Would I be better asking for a 2 week break to think about it? Easier for him?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:22:17

And what do I say to the children? He's become quite a big part of their life and they always ask if he'll be coming over. Do I just tell the truth 'we split up' which seems brutal, or do I let them think he's busy for a while and get them used to him not being here again?

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:23:59

You are definitely doing the right think OP. You know that this relationship is over. He must know it too. Yes, he will be sad, but it is much better to do it now.

Good luck OP.smile

MooncupGoddess Thu 13-Jun-13 13:24:35

No, don't say you want a break! That will just prolong the agony. End it now.

And you haven't ruined his life... everyone gets dumped at some point. It's not like you've murdered his entire family and cleaned out his bank account.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:29:12

You have only been going out with this guy a few months. I very much doubt you have managed to ruin his life in such a short space of time.

He still has his own home. He still has his own friends (even if he hadsnt seen them in a few weeks). If you continue in this relationship you will run the risk of things being more difficult for him when (not if) you do end it.

3Caramel Thu 13-Jun-13 13:29:50

Agree with mooncupgoddness - don't prolong the agony by mentioning a break. He's a grown man and, although you obviously care about hurting him, it's not your fault. Relationships don't work out all the time - it's no one's fault!

Re children, yes, it'll be tought on them, but just give a short explaination too i.e. it didn't work out. And maybe they'll be happy to have you back to themselves 100%? Also, I hate to say this, but maybe try to take things a little slower next time, so the kids only get attached once it's more of a sure thing.

Hope it goes ok!

something2say Thu 13-Jun-13 13:31:19

He shouldn't have moved in and perhaps you shouldn't have let him. Never test the depth of a river by jumping in with both feet.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 13-Jun-13 13:32:37

As for your DCs, yes, tell them he is working (to give yourself a bit of time to get your head around it). Then, in a few days, if they mention it, tell them however you think is best.

Ragwort Thu 13-Jun-13 13:35:25

You are not 'ruining his life' - hmm - he will get over it and find someone else to sponge off. Don't say you want a break, just finish it, tell your children you have split up and go out and celebrate your brithday.

(and as others have said, it does sound as though he 'moved in' far, far too quickly).

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:36:03

I should never have let him, you are all right. It just seemed to creep up on me and suddenly he was here all the time and doing the garden. I've got masses coming up and I am never doing this again. Since I split with FWEx my home has been my little sanctuary. Don't intend sharing it so freely again. I have been a pushover and a bit of a mug.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:37:12

I'm normally very strong and independent and a proper leftie feminist

I really don't know what happened to me.

Sounds like he is a cocklodger. He needs to be gone from your lives as of now.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:45:12

sad I don't know about cocklodger. Maybe, but not intentionally. Just not for me I think.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:46:36

Fucking hell. Now he chooses to text me all bloody day saying nice things and suggesting sex. WHY NOW? WTF do I text back? I can't dump by text. That's just too horrible.

LittleFrieda Thu 13-Jun-13 13:50:05

He sounds creepy.

HansieMom Thu 13-Jun-13 13:52:14

He is probably sensing something is amiss.

Ragwort Thu 13-Jun-13 13:54:16

Just reply saying you have something importat you would like to discuss and to meet in a neutral place (that should give him a strong message grin) and ignore any reference to sex sounds immature

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:56:38

He's not creepy. Just misguided. >sigh<

I have been a bit off this week.

Can't meet anywhere but home really as logistics/children/drama lessons.

I should say we need to talk. I think. But that sounds pretty ominous doesn't it. But I am being ominous. Arse.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:59:02

What I WANT to reply is 'Too little too bloody late sunshine. Don't even want to anymore.' or 'you snooze you lose.'

But I am not horrible even though my brain is trying to make me be.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 13-Jun-13 13:59:13

It is only a six months relationship. No wonder you feel suffocated.

Just accept the temporary role of bad girl delivering bad news (for him) and go through with it. There is no good time to be dumped. I remembere waiting until the end of a holiday to dump x. He was so angry I did not dump Hume before the holiday as he could have drown his sorrow in rhum and chased scantily clad girls.

Good luck. Oh, and do get your keys back too.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 13:59:49

His telly is here and it's lovely. I'll miss that. sad

bobbywash Thu 13-Jun-13 14:04:21

No time like the present, I'd get home early and pack his stuff so that he can move out tonight and no excuses to "just pop back and get"

If it isn't working it's best to end it quickly, no dragging it out. You know that otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:06:52

No time to pack his stuff really. Is that kinder than letting him wander round and pick stuff up? There's no kind way is there.

wannabestressfree Thu 13-Jun-13 14:06:55

Sadly I am three years down the line. I liked the neediness to begin with [I had left an artic like marriage - no affection] but its losing its sparkle in all respects. Feel free to inbox me..........

I feel guilty even writing this though. He is very kind and nice in his defence.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:07:23

In fact. Some of his stuff is wet in the washing machine. I have not planned this well at all.

Nagoo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:11:01

Ominous is ok when you need to say the worst case scenario. It'll brace him for it a bit.

And yes, from everything you've said, it is the right thing.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:20:54

Apparently he has some things he'd like to discuss too. May be easier than I thought.

Oh dear - I thinks it's going to be harder than you thought.
But definitely pack as much of his stuff up as you can.
It would be horrid for him to have to go round from room to room finding all his stuff.
I did this with someone. Went home at lunchtime - packed up all his stuff and he just took it away that night.
Hope it's as easy as mine was.
Good luck!

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:28:39

Or maybe the birthday gift is something sparkly for your finger... <hope not>

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 14:30:24

Solo beat me to it - I reckon that he's sensed your feelings have cooled and the 'things he'd like to discuss' will involve ramping up the relationship.

Clean break, OP! Like ripping off a plaster. Kindest for him in the long run.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:31:56

Right. I have 10 mins to run round for stuff before all the other stuff.

His message didn't sound like it was positive stuff. Is it wrong to wish for a massive difference of opinion and then that will be that? I wishing that. And IGNORING you Solo. Erk.

Vivacia Thu 13-Jun-13 14:33:18

I bet that he's sensed something is wrong. Be prepared for promises to change, improve etc.

VulvaVoom Thu 13-Jun-13 14:33:23

If you're thinking it's not great now, imagine how it would be when he moves in, or if you get married. Hopefully that will give you the motivation to end it. Get rid while you can.

Be brief, factual, get it done quickly and then leave (or if he's at yours, ask him to go before any begging!)

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:33:31

Hmmm...so you need to say your bit first or it'll be more difficult to do if he starts down on one knee or does the 'proper moving in' speech...

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:35:44

Yes, yes. Ignore me!

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:41:15

No offence Solo wink

It's the getting him to go I'm worried about. I'm sure about this. I sound sure don't I? confused

LaRegina Thu 13-Jun-13 14:41:22

Yes definitely clean break - be firm and slightly cold! And you can buy another telly grin

And maybe next time don't let a BF spend so much time with your DC until you are really sure about him?

And have to say something I love your quote - 'Never test the depth of a river by jumping in with both feet'. Am going to keep that one in the bank smile

LaRegina Thu 13-Jun-13 14:42:42

OP have you got any friends/family living nearby who you could ask to turn up at 3 or something? Then he'll feel too embarrassed to drag it out .....

<heartless cow>

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:43:54

None taken! and yes, you sound sure. Just do it and good luck! smile

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 14:46:49

I can put a friend on notice, that's a good idea LaRegina. I'm working now, and then kids and then they are going out at 6 and then the talk.

He definitely has an inkling what's coming. Had another text. It is going to be worse. Yet at least he has a clue.

Running off to do all the things now. Thank you lovely vipers x

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 14:49:12

Good luck and let us know how it goes! smile

SgtTJCalhoun Thu 13-Jun-13 14:54:27

I'd do it by text <<heartless>>.

ImperialBlether Thu 13-Jun-13 14:56:18

Can I just ask when was the last time he bought any food for himself to eat? Does he take lunch from your house to work? Have you paid for every meal in all this time?

ChasedByBees Thu 13-Jun-13 14:59:45

Oh he sounds like a dreadful boyfriend. No sex, under your feet all the time, shouting at your kids, bleurgh. Ditch! Do it like you're ripping off a plaster, quickly. He is responsible for his own feelings. He's not a child or some delicate little flower you have to protect. He'll get over it.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 15:35:20

That made me smile chasedbybees (as well as your excellent name)

He has bought food in the past. But less lately. I seem to be funding a lot. I think that's what tipped me this week. I funded a weekend of lovely food, he said he was a but skint, then asked him to cook on Tuesday, and he couldn't be arsed so got takeaway.

I'm basically dumping him for buying a takeaway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Jun-13 15:47:17

Straw.... camel..... back...... Sometimes it's the takeaway that tips it.

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 15:47:29

"I'm basically dumping him for buying a takeaway."

It's like an episode of Seinfeld!

You may have to be very firm, but don't be afraid of that. You have every right to end a relationship that you no longer want to engage in. If he becomes shouty and aggressive, it's fine to tell him you will call the police to remove him if he doesn't leave quietly. Of course, he sounds more the passive whiny type who will just sit there sobbing at you. Again, if he really refuses to leave, you can if necessary call the police to remove him, because once you have told him to go, he is technically trespassing (as he has a home of his own and no rights in yours).

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 16:00:09

Laughing at Seinfeld grin

Hope it won't come to that SGB :/

Scrazy Thu 13-Jun-13 16:00:12

If he has stopped sleeping with you, let you feed him and use your home in return for buying the odd watering can then you have nothing to feel guilty about, really.

ChasedByBees Thu 13-Jun-13 16:05:16

It's the advice I wish I had received on several occasions OhTiger. smile

Whenever I had to dump someone I agonised and did lots of hand wringing, but they were always fine and it was always the right thing to do. You have children involved so you don't want to drag this out longer than necessary.

Good luck!

Justfornowitwilldo Thu 13-Jun-13 16:10:38

Run like the wind. You're in the honeymoon period. You should be having good sex. You should be enjoying him being around.

You ending up feeling smothered because he's practically moved in and all your angst about dumping him and 'ruining his life' hmm makes me think you need to do some serious work on being assertive.

Xales Thu 13-Jun-13 16:12:04

Don't get drawn into debates or analysis.

Don't be vague. Don't waffle in an attempt to make it easier.

No I don't want to be in a relationship.

More I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 13-Jun-13 16:14:08

oh dear! hope your talk gets rid. You are in the honeymoon time indeed as justfor says, rubbish sex sporadically is worse than no sex!

bliss88 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:18:25

This sounds very hard...if you have your mind set with breaking off the relationship then you must otherwise is will only get worse. However do you not think being honest and talking about all this with him may help and your relationship can continue? Do you love this man? Or have you compleatly gone off him with everything that is going? Just remember your kids are involved in this too and if its better for them also to break away then do so but do your kids like him? Are they close?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 16:54:57

I think I've just fizzled out bliss. The lack of sex has turned into a huge thing for me, and that won't change, I've talked to him about out before and it just hasn't. What I thought it was, well it turned out to different. He is a lovely man, the kids do like him a lot, I've never introduced anyone before. But I dont think it will be what I want it to be. I'm probably unrealistic and I'm almost certainly better off on my own.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 16:55:47

And I have hesitations that he is as patient with the children as I thought.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 17:22:53

But now he's here and he's being adorable and saying we can sort it and I want to cry and I don't know. Oh hell.

I at least need a break.

MooncupGoddess Thu 13-Jun-13 17:23:50

They're always lovely when they suspect you want to dump them. Stay firm.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 17:25:30

He knows it's coming yet is talking about what's for dinner and doing stuff tomorrow. Can't talk tool kids have gone. This is like fucking torture.

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 17:28:42

Stay strong!!!

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 17:30:25

I am. He's not staying tonight. I can work from there.

Vivacia Thu 13-Jun-13 17:37:21

You need to be straight with him. I think suggesting a break would be disastrous.

lemonstartree Thu 13-Jun-13 17:38:52

If you are sure, and it sounds like you are, then prolonging the relationship is a) pointless and b) a bit unkind to him...

be strong

You can't sort a fundamental incompatibility. Nor can you sort (IMO) shit sex. Or shouldn't bother trying with a fly by night boyfriend like this one.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 13-Jun-13 17:42:11

You are definitely doing the right thing!

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 17:49:33

Good luck then. You're just not going to get the spark back btw. End it and don't prolong the agony.

RoooneyMara Thu 13-Jun-13 17:57:06

Perhaps your tipping point was his shouting at your children. That would certainly have been mine.

Say whatever you need to to make him go away, then you can akways extend the 'break' indefinitely - but you need to give his stuff back. All of it as soon as possible or he will hassle you for longer.

SgtTJCalhoun Thu 13-Jun-13 17:59:36

I would dump him by text, then pack his things and plonk them on the doorstep. He lost any right to a dignified break up when he yelled at your dc imo.

ItsallFeegle Thu 13-Jun-13 18:00:57

The kindest and most respectful thing you could do, for each of you, is to end the relationship without agreeing to trying to make it work or by taking a break.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 13-Jun-13 18:08:21

Good luck, OP. Be firm and very clear - no room for misinterpretation!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 13-Jun-13 18:13:14

Remember... He yelled at your kids!

Hope you're ok. You're doing the right thing, you know. Please don't let him talk you round.

Gingerandcocoa Thu 13-Jun-13 19:19:56

Stay strong!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Thu 13-Jun-13 19:49:35

How's it going, OhTiger?
Your last post sounded like you might have been changing your mind...

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:09:33

I have been talked round.

Well that's not really the case. We've talked. I'm hopeless at expressing myself (I'm going to do the freedom programme this summer, not because him, because previous). He had been trying to work out wtf had been wrong with me and spoke to a friend and now feels terrible.

This family life stuff is all new to him. He's never had kids, adores mine, knows that shooting was the wrong

Vivacia Thu 13-Jun-13 20:12:44

If this is what feels right, then good luck to you all. Have you agreed on any changes?

DisAstrophe Thu 13-Jun-13 20:14:20

Do you really want to be with him or did you just feel like it would be cruel to end it as he was being so nice.

Just call him up and say "actually you know what - I know you talked me round earlier but this isn't working for me. It shouldn't be so hard this early in the relationship. take care of yourself - goodbye"

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:15:19

Sorry. Phone.

Shouting was the wrong thing. The first time was panic as child had opened a door in a moving car, second time he was trying to back me up, badly. We are going to set ground rules. I'm going to haunt the step parenting boards to see what it's appropriate, as I've no idea.

As for sex. I've told him I can't cope. He knows. He feels like he's letting me down. We're having naked bedtimes at last twice a week and on the weekends. He's also going on a diet.

This is the first blip in 6 mths. He's a lovely man and deserves a chance.

Oh, and money. He's paying more. Agreed.

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 20:18:04

You copped out didn't you?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:18:40

No. I do want to be with a nice, kind man that wants top do the right thing, but doesn't know how, and wants us to work together to be a great couple/family. But I'm not doing two thousand chances. And I need to bemore upfront when I'm not happy and not let our build up

justgivemeareason Thu 13-Jun-13 20:19:49

Sorry your relationship sounds awful, especially the sex. Why bother?

Vivacia Thu 13-Jun-13 20:19:57

It sounds as though you've both cleared the air and things are looking up.

Xales Thu 13-Jun-13 20:20:25

So your ending of a relationship because you were feeling suffocated has ended up with you doing more work to find out about how he can step parent. He is going to pay more so he is going to be there just as much. He has spent 3 out of 6 months giving you crap sex and you are going for more.

How did he talk you round?

something2say Thu 13-Jun-13 20:21:10

Ok but no irrevocable decisions ie a baby. X

Doha Thu 13-Jun-13 20:21:50

In other words--you have been talked round.

Good luck but no doubt you will be back posting about him in a couple of months sad

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 20:22:55

Yeah you did. You copped out.

DisAstrophe Thu 13-Jun-13 20:25:33

Op - you sound like a lovely kind and romantic person. But you are flogging a dead horse.

If this was your husband of 10 plus years and father of your children I would understand why you'd want to "work together". And why you might need to inject a bit of magic back into the relationship.

But he is your bf of only six months.

You should be at it like rabbits not putting together a DIY sex therapy programme.

Just don't let him get his feet further under the table until you are more sure of him

Vivacia Thu 13-Jun-13 20:25:51

I think it's unfair to write off the OP's relationship. Sometimes resentments build up. Yes, he has been at fault but so has the OP and they're both willing to try to improve things.

lemonstartree Thu 13-Jun-13 20:27:12

Good luck to you. I think clearing the air is important and its easy to let things build up. He can't know you are unhappy or why unless you tell him :-) ... I hope things improve now you have had that chat

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:31:06

Kind of Pictish. But not forever copped. I have a time limit on it being really good.

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 20:32:24

It's been 6 months!!!
Why on earth would anyone put effort into salvaging a relationship of six months old where the sex is shit already and they are feeling smothered and bored? 6 months in!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 13-Jun-13 20:37:42

pictish I agree wholeheartedly.

It should be hearts and flowers, shagging all over the place and staying up half the night talking.

Not arguments about money, discipline of children, lack of sex. Those are the topics for a ten/twenty year old marriage!

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 13-Jun-13 20:40:11

Aw, OP, you should have bags under your eyes from all-night shagging and a spring in your step at this stage of the relationship!! I hope for your sake there's a mahoosive change in his behaviour.

TalkativeJim Thu 13-Jun-13 20:42:10

So is he going to spend more time at his place and stop smothering you?

Fair enough, give it another go, but don't givbe a third chance. Because the worst thing about a situation like this is that you are WASTING TIME.

He bores you.

That should say it all, really.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:46

And I'mnot doing much work on the step parent thing, I've pointed him at mumsnet step parenting boards and he's looking at Amazon to see what books he can read. His friend recommended an older one but he's looking for an up to date one.

As for why, he's a good person, he's in a very new situation, never dated a mum, never been around kids, wants it to be good, loves me

Makes me laugh, generally understands my pov, ages with feminism

carabossse Thu 13-Jun-13 20:45:32

Why is it so important that he gets what he wants?
Are his feelings more important than yours?

Like everyone else said. - 6 months in!
I feel sad to imagine what sort of relationships you've had, that you expect so little.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:45:57

Gah. Phones being a dick. But anyway, trying cos I can, I can see what went wrong and so can he. If it doesn't get sorted I can say I tried. He accepts it's mostly his fault, but I accept I haven't helped by putting up with shit til it overcame me.

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:08

I'd find it hard to look forward to "naked bedtimes" with somebody I'd seriously been wanting to dump.

So you've had a shitty relationship (or more than one) in the past? You've got another one here. This man isn't interested in your feelings, he's interested in his own wellbeing, and having a woman to feed and clean up after him. He's a Klingon, and now you've let him talk you round, it's going to be even harder to get rid.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:36

Yes, he's going home more. So I don't feel smothered, and Friday afternoons he'll housework with me so I'm not doing it all.

He doesn't bore me. When we talk he's funny and interesting and clever

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 20:48:37

If you are determined to have another go, I really think you should be looking at him spending far less time at your house. It really isn't fair to children to move this quickly.

Jux Thu 13-Jun-13 20:52:36

Honeymoon period is 2 years. Generally. On average.

Less than 6m means ..... what, OP?

Means get rid and look elsewhere, in my book

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 20:54:44

No chance of babies! Hysterectomy at 32. That's sorted.

ChasedByBees Thu 13-Jun-13 21:00:57

Oh OhTiger (sorry couldn't resist that) wink

"I haven't helped by putting up with shit til it overcame me."

But there shouldn't be too much shit in the first place. Not this soon in a relationship. Learning to communicate better is a vital step though.

You sound very nice - too nice even. Please just keep your guard up - having a time limit for things to get better is a good idea. Encourage his independence too, he should still be seeing his friends, not just parking himself on the sofa for cuddles.

All the best x

TalkativeJim Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:41

Well, all good then. Really yes if there are good points and you genuinely want to give it another go then you might as well. I only say this because you sound pretty sorted and feet on the ground with it - so, yes, go for it... but keep this thread, read it again in a month and be honest with yourself about the level of change. And if you find yourself having the same conversation with him EVER AGAIN... no more chances!

Good luck with lewdly nekkid bedtimes, eek.

spondulix Thu 13-Jun-13 21:02:06

The sex issue alone would ring alarm bells for me at this early point in a relationship. It is going to rear its head again, sorry.

But good luck, OP.

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 21:06:05

I think you're selling yourself short, because he talked you round.

Anyway - here's another take on it. If I were in a relationship of six months and the fella told me he wanted to break up and that he wasn't happy, I have to tell you, I would not be trying to convince him to give me another chance. Even if I was deeply in love.

If, after six months, he is not that keen, and talks of splitting, then the relationship is not good enough. I won't be on trial or work harder to make him love me. It shouldn't be like that so early on. It would also set a bar in which I felt like if I made one false move, I'd be ejected.

No thank you.

Why would he settle for that? Ask yourself.

RoooneyMara Thu 13-Jun-13 21:11:35

Also...it just sounds like really hard work.

You can rationalise it as much as you like, he's good at this, great at that, funny etc...but there is no spark.

It's the spark what makes it go one way or the other. You NEED a spark.

I know it's easy to slip into the 'well I'm old enough to have been married for 10 years so this is how my relationship should be' type of thinking. But think back to the last time you really, really loved someone so you couldn't be apart.

Was it like this? No it wasn't. and in the words of Bob dylan...if something ain't right, it's wrong.

OneMoreGo Thu 13-Jun-13 21:29:13

You're not ready. That's okay.

When you are ready, come back here and talk to us and we'll support you. All the best, OP.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 13-Jun-13 21:30:12

I'm sorry to hear about your hysterectomy - but relieved that you can't get pregnant to him.

You have had a bad (several bad??) relationship(s) in the past and it is blinding you to how bad this one is - sure, it's probably better than you have had... but it's a LOT less than you (and your kids) deserve.

Think on my love - really, you shouldn't be wasting another minute with this guy.

If its not doing it for you at 5 months it never will I'm afraid.

HamsterDam Thu 13-Jun-13 21:38:47

he isn't a step parent. he's your boyfriend of 6 months.

NomNomDePlum Thu 13-Jun-13 21:40:24

sex not working after only six months? sorry, op, hiding to nowhere.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 21:50:50

* he isn't a step parent. he's your boyfriend of 6 months.*

But he's around my kids a lot, and likes them, and wants us all to be happy and neither of us have done this before, so where else to start?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 13-Jun-13 22:12:45

Supportive voice here. If this is what you truly want, then I do wish you the very best.

I would just say, keep a check on those promises and make sure it stays the way you agreed smile

ExcuseTypos Thu 13-Jun-13 22:16:38

Sorry but you really shouldn't be letting your dc see this man as a step parent. He's your friend, not their step dad.

HamsterDam Thu 13-Jun-13 22:20:57

well its abit late now but start with doing fun things together outside the home rather than move him in.
it doesn't matter how much they like each other or how much time he spends on your sofa- he isn't a parent or step parent.
you said you don't need help with discipline so what advise is he looking for on the step parents boards?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 22:26:12

Just how best to interact I think. And what his role is. And if they were being particularly tricky for me what he does. He's lovely with then, they like him.

zzzexhaustedzzz Thu 13-Jun-13 22:26:50

Pictish, above makes a really good point. It's amazing how we can allow others (I do mean men usually) to behave in ways we would never allow ourselves. I too would be gone from this relationship in his shoes and question what's keeping him.
Having had trouble ousting men from my life in the past I have observed:
- they could talk me round very easily
- I was afraid of their reaction, that they would be devastated etc etc and they exploited this kindness. In reality they snapped out of it fairly quickly afterwards.
- These were relationships I chose to continue because perhaps I wanted a man to be emotionally dependent on me. Whether they actually were I don't really know! But it seemed they needed me when I did not need them.
I have done something similar to the freedom program. It is useful to talk to other women about how abusive men behave because the amount of similarities is scary and you feel less alone and stupid (which is how I felt). Not saying anything about your present partner, we don't know enough.
Good Luck OP, thanks for sharing, hope you get your sex life sorted.

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 22:58:04

I clearly need to re read this thread and have a think. I also have a friend who says she 'doesn't understand' , yet I think we can be happy. Maybe I'm still fucked up. I thought I was not so much and had my head screwed on these days. Bollocks.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 13-Jun-13 23:07:40

<Big Hug>

I'm really sorry you are going through this - it's shit but I am very very pleased that you are going to re-read the thread and have a think. I think you expect too little from other people/relationships (due to your past) and that he only seems lovely/kind/whatever compared to your previous partners but to the rest of us he seems like a user/cocklodger/taker/whatever.

We will be here no matter what you decide to do - but please try to understand/believe what people are saying.

You are a few months into this relationship - it should be fun, lovely, romantic, filling you with happiness... - not all this crap.

Also, this is the sex you will be having for the rest of your life - any temporary improvement will be just that - temporary. Can you live like this?

OhTiger Thu 13-Jun-13 23:13:14

No. I cannot live like this. So if it doesn't change now I've said so... Well next time I do it by text and leave bin bags st the end of the garden I suppose. But right now it's lovely so I'm going to relax for the weekend and see what happens.

pictish Thu 13-Jun-13 23:22:49

Fair dos...but don't settle petal.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:49

Do let us know how things go wont you
x

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:53

And have a lovely birthday too!

Hissy Fri 14-Jun-13 01:52:25

He's just tested you.

A mère 6m in and you let him off.

You have history of abusive relationships, and you have let this guy under the radar.

He new the gig was up, he batted his eyelids, a few 'sweethearts' here and there and you fell for it.

It's ok, we've all been there! smile

Do the Freedom Programme, and keep your eyes open, get some distance between your DC and him, and keep your wits about you. Don't compromise!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 14-Jun-13 06:01:16

For what it's worth, I think it is good to be able to talk about what is wrong in the relationship so you can try and fix it. It just depends whether you think you can be happy with him if things change, or if you'd still feel the same about him.
People on here can guess at which it is, but only you really know.

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 14-Jun-13 07:15:36

Why are you fighting so hard for a six-month relationship? Why are you encouraging your children to see him as a step father? You are setting yourself up for some serious heartache here. But maybe you don't think you deserve any better.

Can he not go live in his own house and give you your own space and just see him on a casual basis , it doesn't need to be all or nothing , it's not fair on your kids having this interloper in your home.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 07:51:41

oh dear

Chance missed

You shouldn't have to tell/show someone how to act. He's a grown man, not a child you have to raise.

6 months in and the sex is shit ? And he is "sorry" ?

Baaaaad vibes

HamsterDam Fri 14-Jun-13 08:16:36

he should interact with your kids as one of your friends and a visitor in their home. that is his role and that's the role he plays if they are being tricky for you playing up or whatever. not step dad. who is it that's pushing for more with the dcs?
he's lovely with them when he's not shouting at them. he will always have the excuse he used for doing that, will you let him off next time?
have they been particularly more tricky for you since you moved a stranger into their home?

JustinBsMum Fri 14-Jun-13 08:28:19

I want to say that 'the children like him' etc is your take on their views, unless you have had an honest discussion about him moving in, and coming from a dysfunctional home myself, the DCs will do what they think makes YOU happy. So if mum appears to want the bloke there they will go along with it happily.

I would not want him living there after only 6 months. If he isn't around so much then you might find what their views actually are. I'm sure they would like a father figure but after only 6 months it's too soon to tell imo. You do make the final decision but second guessing what the DCs want shouldn't influence that.

bobbywash Fri 14-Jun-13 08:30:14

Hmm

OP good luck, when you come back on here in a few weeks time and saying how do I do it, you'll still get support.

Just a thing, if you're having naked bedtimes a couple of times a week and at weekends, he's not really moving out much. You asked if you were right to move on because of the way you were feeling. Most, actually all, said yes, yet you've allowed yourself to be talked round. I thoink the answer to why you've had a few shitty relationships is right there.

As I said before good luck and MN will still be here.

G

bobbywash Fri 14-Jun-13 08:30:57

... how the h**l is there a random G at the end of that???

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:01:23

My head is all over the place.

When we are together it's brilliant. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy.

The kids do like him. Little one suffered with anxiety which has disappeared now, Coincided with him being around. He makes a massive effort to think of things they would like and things to do with them.

Calling him names and things like interloper doesn't help. I fell in love with this man and he loves me. It makes me defensive of him and makes out harder to think.

I could end it by text this morning and have his stuff packed I suppose. But doesn't he deserve a chance? Can't anyone see that? An I really being a massive twat?

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 14-Jun-13 09:01:39

The random G is your subconscious trying to write GET RID.

G

MooncupGoddess Fri 14-Jun-13 09:11:41

Well, it can't be that brilliant when you're together if you haven't had an orgasm in three months.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:16:05

Yes. Well the sex thing is the biggest problem, clearly. I mean talking, laughing, pointing things out, is easy and fun and just nice.
I'm really struggling here.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 14-Jun-13 09:17:48

It can't be that brilliant if you were going to break up with him yesterday?

You haven't had an orgasm in 3 months.

He doesn't contribute properly financially.

You feel smothered.

I suspect that your DCs anxiety disappearing had something to do with the fact that you were suddenly happier, and very little to do with him. You have to work out how to achieve that without a man, and then any relationship is a bonus.

Kiriwawa Fri 14-Jun-13 09:22:18

Can I just remind you of your OP which you typed less than 24 hours ago:

I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

We barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He shouted at both [my children] (separate incidents) yesterday.

I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months

This is not a nice man. This is not a man who loves you. This is a man who's looking for a cleaner and housekeeper. And the fact that you can't see the red flags in that list just shows that your boundaries are fucked.

I'm really sorry if that's harsh but the longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be for you to get rid

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:22:22

You're not being a massive twat at all!
You are being short sighted because of the pace of this relationship.

That he should have practically moved himself in already is too much. That his presence has any influence on your kids (good or bad), at this stage is too much.

You are accepting less than you want, because he is so established and embroiled in your lives! You feel obligated to him now because you want consistency for your children!
You have convinced yourself that he is good for the kids, yet there have been incidents where your instinct has alerted you to the idea that that might not be the case after all. If he were not already stitched into your pocket, you would feel far more able to view this objectively. As it is you're all entangled in a way that probably isn't appropriate for a five month old brand new relationship!

Who set the pace?

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:28:13

I don't know who set the pace. It just sort of happened.

I've just dumped him by text and told him, as I clearly can't do it face to face. I feel horrible. He's going to be so upset at work. We were supposed to be visiting his friends together this weekend, and I just don't want to. So I'm not.

Kiriwawa Fri 14-Jun-13 09:32:25

Oops sorry, cross-posted.

Really, really well done OP. Have some flowers and brew

You should feel really proud of yourself.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:33:17

Happy birthday to me. Ha.

I can cry now?

ExcuseTypos Fri 14-Jun-13 09:34:36

Kiri I was just about to post exactly the same.

OP just look at what you said and ask yourself, if this was a friend of yours what would you be advising?

There are many red flags but the fact he hasn't given you an orgasm for 3 months, out of a six month relationship, tells me he's a very selfish person.

ExcuseTypos Fri 14-Jun-13 09:36:23

X posted. Well done.

Don't feel guilty, it's the best thing for you and your dc.

Lweji Fri 14-Jun-13 09:37:56

You did the right thing.

Don't cry. You should be relieved.

Why are you feeling sad?
For him? Don't.
Because you are morning a relationship and what it could have been? That was mostly wishful thinking.

Think instead of the relaxed weekend ahead of you and all the possibilities. smile

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:38:07

Eeeek!!
Well done and poor you all at the same time.

Now have a good bawl, yes.

You have done the best and kindest thing. Ultimately.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:38:15

He's not picked up message. I need a response so it's done. Argh.

Lweji Fri 14-Jun-13 09:38:39

And happy birthday. flowers

I think you have just given yourself the best birthday present you could wish for.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:39:55

Don't cry for too long though!

Kiriwawa Fri 14-Jun-13 09:39:59

Yes, cry but also remember to tell yourself how far you've come. You've realised that this isn't a good relationship and you've ended it. So I was wrong. You do have boundaries, they're just a bit sketchy right now. You can spend some time now making them stronger.

(And not having shit sex which is much worse IMO than no sex!)

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 09:40:15

Have a really good cry, love

You will be ok, you and your kids are a family unit and don't settle for something that clearly wasn't working

You can't shove a square peg in a round hole, no matter how hard you try xx

Kiriwawa Fri 14-Jun-13 09:40:40

Can you organise a birthday treat for yourself?

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:42:28

And seriously, to be pragmatic for a minute, if he starts begging for another chance after this, then his self respect is at zero, and believe you me - that is going to end being an awful lot of hard work. It is already.
Don't do it to yourself.

Happy Birthday opthanks

You did the right thing, unhappy after only 6 months in says it all really!
You have your children and now atleast you have your space without the constant drain he bought to your life. And always remember there are more fish in the sea and plenty of chances to meet someone that makes you truly happy.
Have a brew and tonight a wine

HamsterDam Fri 14-Jun-13 09:49:03

well done you have done the right thing. you cant be as sure as you sounded yesterday without being right.
i bet it was him that's set the pace by the fact that he's jumping in when you're disciplining your dc and you're the one uncomfortable with how fast things have moved.
really don't like the sound of him to be honest, hope he respects your wishes and that's the end of the matter x

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:54:50

Apparently he's fighting for me. Not sure how that works when I've said enough.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:56:14

You're supposed to think that's romantic, rather than desperate.
I'm not saying that to be mean about him...I just can't think of a kinder way to put it.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:16

It's also subtly domineering. Think you know your own mind? Well you don't - he will change it for you.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:29

I'm sad beside I don't like upsetting people.

This is how this happens. I also feel sick.

I am going out for sushi tonight with kids and was supposed to be him but now my friend is coming.

I always have shit birthdays. Don't know why I bother.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:00:01

It is a bit isn't it Pictish? I'm trying to be annoyed by it.

NicknameTaken Fri 14-Jun-13 10:04:42

I say this with utter kindness, as something that helped me get past the guilt: are you really so utterly wonderful and irreplaceable that by dumping him you've destroyed his chance of happiness forever?

No, you're not - not because there's anything wrong with you, but because relationships end and people move on all the time. You've set him free - maybe he'll find a woman who would rather have cuddles than sex, and then he won't be with someone who has a nagging sense of dissatisfaction. Fairer for everyone.

That's taking him at face value as a decent guy. But I'd also remind you that "no means no", and applies to a continuing relationship as well as to sex. I couldn't fancy a man who nagged and guilted and persuaded me into sex, and the same goes for one who nagged and guilted and persuaded me into continuing a relationship.

Januarymadness Fri 14-Jun-13 10:10:07

Dont think of thos as a shit birthday. It is a new beginning.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:14:13

Thank you nickname taken they are great points.

I need to work on bring firm in person as I can only do it in writing it seems.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:46

Congratulations lovely flowers

Have a lovely brew and a birthday treat. From this minute on you are going to have GOOD birthdays smile

Please don't be talked around again - it's control/desperation not love that he's displaying.

SanityClause Fri 14-Jun-13 10:17:57

Oh, lovely, you remind me of DD2, who doesn't like to upset people.

Me - Stop saying sorry!

DD2 - Oh, sorry.

Do the Freedom Programme. Then, you'll be better placed to find someone who gives you lovely raunchy orgasms, and also space, when you need it! wink

And Happy Birthday! flowers

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 10:24:08

Great post nicknametaken.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:27:28

I'm going to sign up for it today Sanity Clause

I'm also going out now I think. As he's finishing early to get his things. Best if I'm not here?

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 10:30:19

Yes, go out.
I would bag and box them up and leave them outside for him personally.

Gingersstuff Fri 14-Jun-13 10:34:56

Yes, definitely go out. He will talk you round otherwise and you've done well so far flowers. Honestly, no relationship 6 months in should be this much hard work. He's not the one for you.
Pack up his stuff and leave it outside. If it were me I would also leave a note telling him not to contact me again.

curryeater Fri 14-Jun-13 10:36:28

I hope the text said the things you mentioned upthread - "you snooze, you lose" or "too little too fucking late".

Sorry but this guy is a dick, he is trying to force you to be with him, which I think did happen on Seinfeld - didn't George do that? Didn't he once just refuse to accept his endumpment, or something?

Look, someone needs to explain to him how this works - dumping is unilateral, he doesn't have to agree. Give me his phone number and I can clarify a few things.

Happy birthday. I hope you have a nice time with the dcs and friend. Is the friend funny? If so you will be screaming with laughter over this idiot once the children are in bed. I hope so.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:38:42

I'm still struggling with calling him an idiot. I feel so sad I've made him sad.

RoooneyMara Fri 14-Jun-13 10:39:46

That's Ok. You feel bad because you're a nice person and perhaps so is he - but nice doesn't make a relationship.

It is te ONLY fair option, to end it. I am a bit worried he will stick around at yours if you're out, just to see you, and 'fight' for you a bit. You may end up kicking him out.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:48

Ugh at "fight for you"

Wtf does that even mean ? Keep nagging you until you cave in ? Don't engage with him any further

No means no

curryeater Fri 14-Jun-13 10:44:39

He is an idiot because he made you dump him by text, which you didn't want to do, because you were trying to be nice and grown up and honest and face to face. For that alone he is an idiot and has forfeited any rights to being treated with dignity. I agree that you should not be there when he comes to get his stuff because he will start whining on at you. Are his clothes that were washed yesterday dry now? Don't you dare iron them.

RoooneyMara Fri 14-Jun-13 10:57:50

He sounds very clumsy with very basic no relationship skills

Perhaps his parents were a bit dysfunctional

either way he hasn't got a lot to offer you - which is sad.

That saying about 'somone you could live with' rather than 'someone you couldn't live without' is popping into my head here.

Sorry for calling him an interloper but you really don't sound like you love him OP, you sound like you are a nice person who feels bad for hurting him but that doesn't mean you should keep him in your life.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 11:05:22

He came back early. I went straight out. He didn't seem fighty. I'm now in a field wondering how long to leave it...

I'm going to have to buy a new telly.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 11:06:51

Can you walk somewhere for a coffee?
Are you ok about him being alone in your house?

Well done Tiger, you have moved forward by dumping this cocklodger that came into your life.

Do enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap. You need to re-establish proper set boundaries on relationships and this will take some considerable time. You need to also consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up, you may well have been taught some damaging lessons.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Happy Birthday to you flowers from a fellow Gemini.

curryeater Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:32

Maybe there is a TV on your local freegle?

Well done.
I do hope he leaves you alone now.
And...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Enjoy your evening as best you can!

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 11:12:36

No coffee for 20 miles. Middle of nowhere. I'm ok with him being there, had to be done. He's not a bad man. Just not for me.

I'll get that book Attila, thank you x

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 11:12:48

Try Gumtree as well. I buy loads of stuff through Gumtree.

Well done OP it's always hard splitting up with someone whether you love them or not.

Good point curry or freecycle!
Worth a try as a stop gap for now.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 11:17:54

Well, it's ok that he's not for you. You have done no wrong. You are showing respect by turning him loose.

I would far rather take the hit and feel the pain, than desperately try to emotionally blackmail and pressure someone into keeping me in their life.
I want to be adored and respected. I think I deserve that. If they don't want me, it's their loss and nowhere near good enough for me!

You keep this guy on, and at very best, you will soon become his mum.

Don't go there.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 11:23:40

I'm home he's gone.

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 11:24:33

brew

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 11:31:03

Thank you. You have all been lovely and right and supportive. MN rocks x

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 11:34:12

Change your username to HeyTiger instead. wink grin

You've handled this very well. Kudos to you, and happy birthday. xx

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 11:39:36

That's very kind pictish you have been especially sensible and I really do appreciate it smile

I am having tea, charging my phone and going to have a look at cash converters. They have tellys. I'd like to have one there when kids get back from school. Too weird otherwise.

I'm going to tell them he has to work tonight. Then they are at their dads sat night. Then I'll work out what to say. I think maybe they'll get used to it just being me again and then it will not be too traumatic.

Solo Fri 14-Jun-13 11:45:21

Well done OhTiger smile now your birthday celebrations can begin! flowers

BeCool Fri 14-Jun-13 11:48:41

Happy birthday OhTiger!
flowers
You've given yourself a fantastic gift (even if it doesn't feel like it yet).

ChasedByBees Fri 14-Jun-13 12:12:27

Happy birthday Tiger! flowers

whippetwoman Fri 14-Jun-13 12:29:06

Happy Birthday smile

MisguidedAngel Fri 14-Jun-13 12:32:22

Bit late on the scene, but this is something a friend told me when I was in a similar situation trying to let someone down gently -

"Soft doctors make stinking wounds"

spondulix Fri 14-Jun-13 13:33:17

Well done, OP. It may seem shite right now but you really HAVE done the right thing.

Happy birthday flowers

TotallyBursar Fri 14-Jun-13 13:35:01

Phew, about midway through I was getting knots in my gut - you didn't dump him and it made me go hot & cold for you.

Then you made it all come right.
What a fucking relief.
I will sound a cunt but what you can't see, that everybody here can read, is you need the freedom program. This level of negotiation is not right for 6 months, it is a clear sign of a mismatch.

You, I'm sure, have your head screwed on 99% of the time. But your reaction to this was a hot wired one that bypassed your sensible circuits.
It's been 6 months - he lived at your house, got comfortable enough there to SHOUT at your kids, acted like a cock lodger but without any sex.
Your response was to respect yourself and your children by calling it a day. Your conditioning kicked in (I could literally see it happening) and you accepted the balls out lies of empty promises to change. You do know you aren't required to fix him & manage the situation? You don't need to carry that responsibility for making things right & making sure no one ever gets upset or hurt.

This sounds terribly judgmental & putting you down - it's not coming from that place.
It's coming from an abused child who nearly missed out on a wonderful DH because she felt awful for splitting with a needy man. I nearly swallowed my needs to facilitate him because he was good enough. I wouldn't have been happy because he couldn't do what he kept promising he would. I am happy now & so is he - he's getting married to a great woman because he sorted himself out & she has different needs from me.
I inherited a fear of being alone, accept any man as long as he doesn't hit you...and if he does, well maybe you should look at your own behaviour first. It's hard to ditch that thinking when it's carved into your psyche.
We each hold the responsibility for our own happiness, we all have the right to self determination. That very much includes finding out the consequences of your behaviour - being insulated from that (or rescued) does nobody any favours.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:08:02

I have bought a telly. Tesco. Sorted. Just need to set it up now.

Not sure what to day to kids still. Just that he had to go away I think.

My friend who was coming to dinner now can't come. So it will just be me and kids. Like it was for ages. I suppose it might be nice.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:08:47

And I'm agreeing with everything you are saying. I've been a bit silly, but at least I've sorted it out now.

BeCool Fri 14-Jun-13 14:10:49

OhTiger - you have been brilliant!!!
Enjoy the new telly.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 14:18:13

Great post, TB

OP, respect to you for recognising what you needed to do so quickly

6 months is not long to turn this around (but next time don't let them push you so fast, eh......)

Jux Fri 14-Jun-13 14:22:59

Tiger, you are a fabulous example to everyone, but to your children most of all and most importantly. They will now see that the behaviour he indulged in is not acceptable, a very valuable lesson, but also that it is possible to put a stop to it.

Well done, very well done indeed thanksthanks

Kiriwawa Fri 14-Jun-13 14:25:27

You haven't been silly at all! You listened to your gut feelings, tested them out on here, nearly got persuaded by him that you were doing the wrong thing (because that's your conditioning), checked again and realised you were right all along.

What's silly about that? No one gets out of an abusive relationship unscathed, no one.

MorrisZapp Fri 14-Jun-13 14:30:44

Good work OP, he needed binning and you did it.

I must admit, sometimes I wish I could build a time machine and go back and bin a few losers from my past, with the strength and wisdom I have now.

God I'd love to see their faces. Instead I was a pathetic wuss but hey ho, we can't change the past. At least now I know how to handle myself smile

Happy Birthday!

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:43:00

Aaaaaaand I've tuned the telly smile

You are all being very nice to me, thank you!

I shall be single for a good long time I think. It's a shame. I wanted to model a good relationship for the DC. That will have to wait.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:46:43

Or should I tell the children that I didn't like him shouting at them? Among other reasons obviously, like not going home. I don't want then thinking it's their fault. But it might be good for them to see you don't have to put up with crap. I don't want then thinking 'poor mum got dumped'. They are girls, 9 and 11.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 14:51:31

I would tell them an age appropriate variation of the truth, otherwise you risk them misunderstanding the situation

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:53:29

That's the tricky bit. I'll work something out.

overture Fri 14-Jun-13 14:53:39

Happy for you OhTiger smile
I did the single mum thing for nearly 7 years, it was not bad at all. I love my DH to bits, but I sometimes miss it. confused (have a bit of a fierce independent streak)
We spent loads of time, going to movies, talking about all things, camping, indoor/outdoor picnics, cuddling up in my bed reading charlie and the chocolate factory/james and the giant peach(DC fave books) til late evening over and over till the pages are nearly knackered. My DC look back at those times they say "as the best".

We didn't have everything during that time, but we made the best of what we had and the time we shared.

I suppose I'm just saying, You might not be able show them a good relationship yet, but you can show them what a good parent is smile

Best of Luck and don't feel guilty flowers

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 14:57:04

That's lovely overture. I have missed the 'us against the world' stuff we used to do. Out will be fine, brilliant again, even smile

I'd just tell the kids it didn't work out and you didn't want him living with you all long term, they will understand better being straight with them than confusing them.

Solo Fri 14-Jun-13 15:07:01

I wouldn't tell the Dc's it was because he shouted at them just in case they then blame themselves. Maybe just tell them you mutually decided it wasn't working between you and went your separate ways?

CinnamonAddict Fri 14-Jun-13 15:09:02

Hi Tiger,
well done!
Have a lovely birthday! If you can't find anyone else to go out with tonight, have a wonderful celebratory meal with the dc and a bottle later on tonight? (There's always the drunk thread... grin)

You will find someone who is perfect for you, I'm sure. After this programme you will be even better equipped to trust your gut instincts. Go Tiger

wine

I would tell them that, although you like him, you didn't love him and sometimes grown up relationships have to end.
Leave it at that.
Don't involve them by saying it's because he shouted at you.
They will think it's their fault and it's not.
Have a nice night with your girls.

FeegleFion Fri 14-Jun-13 15:17:46

Listen, I've been dumped by text, a lot of people have. It's not the ideal, but you at least attempted to tell him in person, he used emotional blackmail and charm to change your mind (or try to).

He will live and....

....It's your BIRTHDAY, the first of many for an upwardly positive life.

May you find happiness within and when you do, the rest will follow grin wink

Today, is a special day. I'm glad that your DC have their mum all to themselves today.

Happy Birthday flowers

overture Fri 14-Jun-13 15:43:08

oh and Happy Birthday smile
flowers

pictish Fri 14-Jun-13 15:45:38

I agree. Tell them the truth...that you were not as enthusiastic about the relationship as he was, and you felt it would be unfair to carry it on, knowing it would have to end sooner or later.
Because that's the bones of it.

curryeater Fri 14-Jun-13 15:55:56

Tell them he was crap in bed.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 16:02:55

Tell them that you weren't satisfied with how you were getting on, so you decided to call it a day. Emphasise that nobody has to stay with someone if they don't feel happy and that we all have the right to end a relationship as long as you do it decently and that the other person has to accept it gracefully.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 16:07:22

Haha curryeater

I think I'll keep that info for just anonymous internet forums. I feel a bit of an idiot for putting up with it in the first place.

curryeater Fri 14-Jun-13 16:29:21

All the more reason to let your girls know it is not acceptable! ;)

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 14-Jun-13 16:50:20

Well done Tiger! Glad you are doing what is right for you xx

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 14-Jun-13 16:59:06

Happy Birthday. flowers

TotallyBursar Fri 14-Jun-13 17:09:57

I think AF has it there.

Your girls will be fine, the gift you have given them (knowing how to be a strong and independent, happy woman that has ownership of her feelings - and that it is a good thing) is one many women wish their parents had given them as part of their emotional toolbox.
It may not feel like it now but I can't tell you how much I wished my mother had stood up and showed me I could stand up too; that I didn't have to hand over my feelings and future to the first man that would take them on. Even if he had less than my best interests at heart. That I didn't have to learn that lesson the very hard way.
Also that it's fine to be sad when things change but 'better the devil you know' is not a motto to live by.

You are a wonderful mother, a thoughtful and resilient woman & you are far -far- from silly.
Enjoy your new telly, have a lovely meal with your fabulous girls and, most importantly, happy birthday! thanks thanks

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 17:25:52

Don't make me cry bursar!

I've told them. I kind of had to as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. I said I wasn't happy with some stuff he said and did, and he probably wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. Dd1 gave me a massive hug, grinned her face off and said she didn't mind at all, as he was an angry person. I never thought of him as that at all, quite the opposite

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 17:27:37

Phone!
DD2 shrugged and said she didn't mind one bit, and smiled and hugged me.

NOW I can enjoy my birthday and buy a lovely bottle of wine on my way home

RELIEF!

BOF Fri 14-Jun-13 17:35:45

YAY! Good for you, bloody well done grin

Happy birthday x

Jux Fri 14-Jun-13 17:41:44

Hurray! What lovely children you have smile

Happy, happy, happy birthday!

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 17:44:25

Yay, what a tight little team you are with your girls

He really was an interloper wasn't he, and one found very ranting indeed

Isn't it amazing how children sometimes just <know> ?!

DD (16) met someone I've known for years (and not liked) recently.

She spent 30 mins in that person's company, and in the car on the way home told me that she didn't like X, X was a very cold person who had looked her up and down in a very judging way.

Exactly the reasons I don't like X - but took me about 10 years to articulate it to myself!

Darkesteyes Fri 14-Jun-13 17:46:55

Saw this thread last night but didnt comment. Bloody well done to you OP. Saw the clues in yr first post that it was a sexless relationship waiting to happen.
And the shouting at your DC!

Have a Happy Happy Birthday from another Gemini.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 17:50:41

I do wish they'd told me before. That bothers me.

They know they are number one for me, I've always said so. I'll find out why they didn't say. I always need them to say.

That's brilliant your daughter has such great instincts on the bottom with a Womans weekly you must be proud smile

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 14-Jun-13 17:53:38

Trouble is, you don't want to make it their responsibility to vet your boyfriends. Too much responsibility.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 17:54:01

SEE - even the kids were onto him. Just shows what a great decision you have made smile

Enjoy the rest of your birthday flowers

Any second thoughts when he's texting/calling/sobbing - come right back here & well put you straight!!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 17:55:56

She's not asking them to vet her boyfriends hmm she's finding out why they didn't feel confident enough to say 'I don't like him - he's an angry person'. Big difference.

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 17:59:00

Vet boyfriends no! I agree, that would be horrid. But yes, I just need them to know they can say of they don't like ANYONE we have in our home, for any reason and I'll listen. I won't make a song and dance out of out. Just need then to be clear.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 18:08:16

This is why you can't just assume that kids are ok with something

If they think YOU are ok with it, they are less likely to speak up to protect you

OhTiger Fri 14-Jun-13 18:50:32

Totally right AF. Lesson learned. They thought they would hurt my feelings and I'd be upset. I've told them they can't hurt my feelings by having feelings of their own, and we discussed it a bit. Now they'll tell me I hope. But I'll be sure to check harder. Of I ever so this again.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 14-Jun-13 18:52:41

well done for todays turn of events. You have done really well - for your girls, yourself and I wish you a fantastic Birthday - whats left of it.

flowers

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 14-Jun-13 19:05:14

Out of the mouths of babes, eh?

Enjoy your birthday! wine

TotallyBursar Fri 14-Jun-13 21:00:18

You must be very proud of them.
Although they didn't want to hurt your feelings they have just demonstrated exactly why the terribly hard things you have done have been worth it - they can clearly judge a person, and they now have it cemented that those instincts that will do the most work to keep them safe are spot on.
Alongside you reinforcing the idea they can always talk to you about misgivings is such a healthy place to be.
Ranty eh?...Telling language there.

It did show too that maybe you are the one that didn't see it so clearly, but you did get there and you did know that. Hence post.
How far you must have come. I have a great deal of respect for what you have done in order to get girls so switched on.

Crack open the wine and enjoy!
I'm typing this while eating a babybel as no booze for me - it's not quite the same sad grin.

Well done OP. And one more little thing to consider - in your opening post you mention that this loser man has not had much 'luck' with relationships in the past. Hmm, could that be because he is actually an arsehole?

I do love you SGB grin

Hissy Sat 15-Jun-13 00:01:39

Oh me too! I <3 SGB!

pictish Sat 15-Jun-13 02:18:37

I just grin at SGB there too!

Basic but accurate.

OhTiger Sat 15-Jun-13 06:47:51

Nail on the head SGB grin

He thought it was because all of his previous girlfriends were mad. I know. I know.

2013go Sat 15-Jun-13 08:08:41

Go, tiger!
Don't weaken if he tries to come back- your inner voice is firm and clear.
Your girls sound amazing

OhTiger Sat 15-Jun-13 09:43:02

Morning.

I am being strong but feeling a bit sick. I must stop checking Facebook.

Happily my gayest best friend is coming over this afternoon. He'll sort it out.

Dread to think what the very gossipy neighbours will have to say about a new fella turning up a the last ones left. Lots I imagine.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 15-Jun-13 10:02:32

dont be worrying about what the neighbours think, they dont pay your bills!

Stay strong, you have done the right thing.

OneMoreGo Sat 15-Jun-13 10:51:55

Ah, is he still on your facebook? Time to defriend I think, or at least hide him for a while.
You've done so well and I love the turn this thread has taken, with your kids speaking up and the whole thing bringing you closer together as a family. Their instincts are spot on smile And they sound like great kids. Well done.

chipmonkey Sat 15-Jun-13 14:00:00

Oh, Defriend and block! There's no other way.

zzzexhaustedzzz Wed 19-Jun-13 22:13:57

Wow, I am so pleased for you Tiger!
Just caught up with this and wanted to say:
Well done
Women's Aid (don't forget!!)
and enjoy having your freedom back...
Oh and yes - Facebook BLOCK!!

OhTiger Wed 19-Jun-13 23:16:34

I managed to accidentally hide this thread from myself blush

Anyone know how I unhide?

I have to see him this week to swap over some stuff. That is not going to be nice. It was supposed to be today, but I bailed. Urgh.

Must remember Womens Aid. Thank you for the reminder. Googled a bit and looks like no freedom programme around here til October sad

bobbywash Thu 20-Jun-13 08:28:46

Why do you have to meet, there are other ways to swap stuff without meeting each other.

Take a friend with you and be 'on our way' somewhere else. Remember, he is dumped so you do not have to socialise with him. If he bleats and fusses, just keep calmly repeating 'There is nothing to discuss, the relationship is over.'

zzzexhaustedzzz Fri 21-Jun-13 13:07:55

You can just ring womens aid for a chat. I did (or IDAS? same thing...) and found they were great listeners and very understanding... Felt like a fraud at first as I'd always assumed that you had to have been battered to need/warrant their help.
Yes deffo be on the way somewhere and or with a friend.. this is a chance he won't want to waste!!

JEANNY71 Sun 03-Nov-13 22:51:27

I did the Freedom Programme on line via the womens aid site. Would thoroughly recommend it. Abuse comes in many different forms, the pyschological scars are probably harder than the physcial ones and harder to grasp in many ways.

There is a book called "Living with the Dominator. It describes the many traits and characteristics of abusers which many women take as being "normal". I did, made excuses, ignored the "red flags". It is an essential read if like me you attract a certain type of man.

Trust your gut instincts as a woman they never let you down. Enjoy being you. Best of luck x

YouAreMyRain Sun 03-Nov-13 22:57:06

Zombie alert

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 04-Nov-13 11:29:53

Hooray for you, Tiger! Have only got one thing to add to everyone else's fabulous advice above, which is where you said up-thread before you did kick him in to touch (well done!) "he deserves me to give him a chance" or something along that line - in your future relationships can you please, please always remind yourself that:

a) you are already giving someone a chance by going out with them in the first place;
b) that no one has the right to mess anyone about "first", before they start treating them properly; and
c) that the population of people who deserve to be treated properly from the start includes you (Well, it includes everyone of course - but that also means you! smile)

Onwards & upwards love flowers

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