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Advice/flaming/help needed. Think I've fucked up.

(49 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:30:07

My dh left me a few months ago, saying he no longer loved me, and couldn't cope with my PND.

He left me & our 3 dc, and has refused to talk about our relationship. He has kept changing his stance, saying he did love me, then he didn't. He wasn't IN love with me etc etc. Following the script, basically.

So, after a huge row two weeks ago, and him saying it was definitely over, I registered with an OD site. Just to make myself feel better I think, and prompted by collegues.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
Met a bloke. We get on well, surprisingly, and we have been texting.

Dh saw a text over my shoulder, and hit the roof. Says of course he loves me etc. I'm evil, yadda yadda.

Ironically, dh have been getting on better than ever. I love him. I want to stay married to him. I am not ready for a relationship!
But I do enjoy texting this bloke.
I don't know what to do!

rubyslippers Wed 05-Jun-13 12:32:59

why do you want to stay with your ex after what he has put you through?

he left you, told you he doesn't love you and then messed you about on and off

the minute he thinks you are moving on you are the evil one hmm

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:34:36

I have tried to keep this brief!

I can see I'm keen on this bloke because it's a nice distraction, and he is actually nice to me. I know it's because he wants to get in my keks. I'm not naive.

I just think dh is jelous.
But should I continue flogging the horse that is our relationship?

niceupthedance Wed 05-Jun-13 12:36:55

He told you it was over, then you started getting on better? I think your answer is right there. Don't go back because it's just the easiest option. Your DH is being an arse, by the way.

ItsallFeegle Wed 05-Jun-13 12:37:23

It really sounds like he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to 'have you' either.

I think his treatment of your heart and the total lack of respect for you is appalling.

If your marriage is to stand a chance it's time to draw a line under the recent past and both put your cards on the table.

You need to force him to be honest about what he wants and plan from there.

However, if I were you, I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

TallyGrenshall Wed 05-Jun-13 12:38:33

Well of course he has now declared love and made it all your fault.

You are not following his script. You are supposed to be chasing, begging, agreeing to change and basically hanging around waiting for him to make a decision.

You are not supposed to be trying to make a new life, or be happy. He wants you miserable.

Only you can decided what to do. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you are free to text/date/shag whoever you please because he said it was definitely over - that makes you single.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 05-Jun-13 12:39:22

Who the hell does he think he is?

He walked out on you!

He gave up any right to be cross about you dating the day he said he didn't love you and didn't want to be with you.

don't you bloody dare accept being the bad guy here!

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:40:41

Am I moving on too soon though, Ruby?

He fell out of love in December, moved out, came back, and moved out again only in early march.

We have spoken for two one hour periods since then.

I think the fact we had been getting on wonderfully the last two weeks makes it so hard, but maybe that's because I've stopped caring.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 12:44:52

Thank you all.

I thought I would die of grief when he left.

Now he says he only left to save our marriage, although nothing he has done since has indicated this.

I should add my mh was very bad just before he left. I have since sought counselling. It's helping. smile

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 13:03:37

What they all said. Bollocks did he leave to save your marriage. That sounds very convenient now that YOU have checked out of your marriage.

It probably is too soon to be moving on to a new relationship, but there's no reason why you can't go out on dates and have a bit of fun already if you want to.

Your H is being an arse and the fact that he "hit the roof" when he peeked over your shoulder and read a private message says it all. Cheeky fucker.

You are not evil, you are single. He had left you. You may think you want to stay married to him, but that is probably just for the safety and familiarity as it doesn't sound like he has been treating you very well or supporting you through your MH issues.

Perhaps you both need a proper break from each other so that you can figure out what you really want without any distractions. If you would be happy with him dating other people during that time, feel free to do the same. If you still feel tied to each other then just take it easy, back off from the other guy/OD and get yourself straight first.

But please don't just take him back because its the easy option.

BalloonSlayer Wed 05-Jun-13 13:06:32

You don't leave someone suffering with PND alone with three children to "save your marriage."

he is taking the piss.

dopeysheep Wed 05-Jun-13 13:08:57

'Should I continue flogging the horse that is our relationship?'
No. The horse is dead. Maybe turn it into a tasty lasagne.

Good luck I think things will get easier once you make a firm decision to leave.

I broke up with my ex (mutually) 2 years ago and started something with someone else. As soon as he found out he wanted me back. It was pure jealousy! We gave it a try, didn't work out. Since splitting last summer I have not been interested in dating, it's just a distraction from my real feelings IMO. But as long as you are aware of that, why not?

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 13:52:38

ok.. I am going to get slated for this but here it goes..

What few women realise is that when they go through PND it is not only them that need counselling but their partners as well.
Because the person you married evaporates suddenly before your eyes. The depths they go to, and sadly if you love them - the depths you go to.
Human instinct thinks its your fault as the partner, and you cant fathom why your love can't seem to help them.
MN goes on about EA, well try living with someone with truly bad PND then you have EA multiplied.

What he did was wrong. he's love was not 'big enough'. But you identified that since you have been getting help he was warming up to you. I would hazard to say since the new chap started showing an interest you started loving yourself again. and this shone through.

Rather long response - apologies for that, but yes maybe he couldn't love the you, you had become so he is in fact not the right person for you. (but then again new chap hasn't been through the worst has he)

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 14:07:58

Here's one to remind him of when he next comes calling -
“If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

Xales Wed 05-Jun-13 14:19:21

He abandoned you and your DC when things got tough. He said your marriage was definitely over two weeks ago.

You are free to chat, meet, snog or shag anyone you feel like.

He may still love remnants of you but not enough to be with you.

Tell him to mind his own business.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 14:24:44

I 100% get what you're saying, Mice&men. I think what I put dh through was akin to ea. Truley. But he didn't seek help. He sought council from a woman at work whom he developed a crush on.

You're right in that I've been happier since giving up and realising I'm not actually an unlovable minger, and he sees flashes of the "old me" now.

I kinda knew this would happen.

Can I use this to my advantage? Eg getting my marriage back on track?
I'm being foolish, aren't I?

I feel a bit sorry for this other bloke.

I remember your posts and your devastation and his cruelty and coldness. I wouldn't have him back.

ofmiceandmen Wed 05-Jun-13 14:43:44

Uterus big difference he knew it was PND and not a self motivated desire to inflict pain on someone. Therein lies his true colours.
you were ill, and he left. thats the plain truth.

Whether you forgive him or not is purely up to you.

I stayed when my ex had severe PND, which involved PA,VA and any other acronym thats used on MN. Ironically she ended up leaving (apparently it made me too much of a walk over, HW and nappies do not an attractive man make). and yes at the time I was desperate to save the marriage. but there is life after it. and you do recover (plenty of mistakes and insecurities mind, but you recover).

Think its you time now. become whole, take your time and be a better you. he will come back (they always do) but maybe by then you may not want him back

Snazzywaitingforsummer Wed 05-Jun-13 14:48:26

If you use it to 'get your marriage back on track', I would bet, unfortunately, that as soon as you drop contact with the text bloke, your husband will be back in his old ways. He wants you now he can't have you. Dangerous game to think he would change long term.

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 14:54:24

Your DH doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

It's all about him.

Keep texting the other guy, just to boil dh's piss.

lisac99 Wed 05-Jun-13 15:29:53

He keeps changing his stance, he says he loves you, no, wait.. he doesn't, oh wait.. it's Tuesday so he does love you. No wait! Eastenders is on the TV so he doesn't love you.... no hang on, it's the second Thursday of the month, therefore he loves you more than anything!

Seriously, what does he want you to do? hang on until he changes his mind? wait around and then accept him back with open arms after he changes his mind?

It sounds like he's jealous and doesn't want you seeing anyone else, however it's absolutely fine for him to move on.....

Don't take him back. What he's done if terrible.
He wants his cake and eat it.
No way!
You sound like you are doing great so don't let him get under your skin now.
He cheated when you were suffering - unforgivable in my book - sorry!
Keep texting this guy if it's making you feel better.
Enjoy the attention and two fingers to your DH!

UterusUterusGhali Wed 05-Jun-13 20:07:03


You've made me feel a lot better.

Dh hasn't once said "let's just get away together, to talk" or similar. He really couldn't care less. sad

Sorry for my ghastly spelling upthread.

anothershittynickname Wed 05-Jun-13 20:10:27

Don't let any man treat you like shit!!

My ex treated my like absolute crap - very emotionally abusive!! When I told him it was over it took him 6 month to leave MY house!!

In that time I joined OD for the VERY same reason as you and am now very happily married to the bloke I wouldn't even divulge my actual location to ;-)

UterusUterusGhali Tue 18-Jun-13 01:39:18

Can I just update?

I really like this bloke. sad

Dh wants to make a go of it now. Wants to try relate. I've detached I think.

I know the right thing to do is to make a go of my marriage. But I like this bloke. Quite a bit.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 18-Jun-13 02:13:25

2 weeks ago, you posted (re your H) ' he really couldn't care less'. Only you can know what your marriage was like before he 'fell out of love' with you - were you really happy with him or were you making a lot of allowances for arsey behaviour because you felt committed to the marriage? If the latter, then 'trying to make a go of the marriage' is not the right thing to do. It will be hard to be objective with a new possibility already in your life, but bear in mind that you don't really know 'new man' yet and there's plenty of time for that one to go tits up - the decision has to be made independently of your new liaison. If you're not sure what to do, err on the side of doing nothing, just tread water for a while where you are. If H is being a jealous dog in the manger, he'll start being nasty again and you'll have your answer and be glad you didn't rush back into his arms

TotallyBursar Tue 18-Jun-13 02:24:27

Why is the right thing to do saving your marriage?

No snarkiness here - honest question for an honest answer.

How do you know it is the right thing? I don't know that, so where is your certainty coming from?

UterusUterusGhali Tue 18-Jun-13 10:36:44

I guess because there are dc involved. I absolutely did not want to be a cliched statistic of divorce.

I know I can't base any decisions on this other bloke. He is a distraction, and it wouldn't work long term, but he's got me thinking that actually there are better matches for me iyswim. Dh is not neccessarily perfect for me. I share a lot of interests with other bloke.

I realise I sound like someone having an affair. "he gets me" etc. I feel like I'm having an affair.

I know I need to distance myself from any man, but getting compliments, and having someone ask about your day is kinda addictive.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 18-Jun-13 10:39:26

I was making allowances, but I'd call it compromising.

I married this man and promised to stick by him.

He has utterly screwed us financially I found out yesterday, which has made me detach even more.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 18-Jun-13 10:55:12

If you left this other man out of the picture, would you say you had a good marriage, worth saving? Your post above about him screwing you all financially doesn't suggest that. Earlier you said he 'couldn't care les' and hasn't made an effort to improve things. As far as the DC are concerned I think you and they would be better off trying to work out how you and him can co-parent in a way that is good for the DC but not being a couple anymore. They will adjust to it, really they will. That's better than another 1/2 years of miserably trying to make it work against the odds. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you are (for well-meaning reasons) romanticising the notion of doing the right thing and 'sticking by' your husband when he isn't doing that for you, and if you aren't both prepared to do it then it won't work.

ofmiceandmen Tue 18-Jun-13 11:17:38

You're both going for safety in each other (better the devil..). and this other chap really has no bearing in your decision.

Perhaps time to reassess your own true feelings and time to be alone.
Intentional or otherwise you will either end up hurting this other bloke (playing with him long enough to regain your confidence or likely fall into an E abusive situation as you are clearly still struggling.. EA's have a nose for it- a few words of flattery and he's your true connection - surely you did with your H when you married him?).

Good luck. please dont fall into the 'PRIMARK' mind set, 'must get new dress but its cheap so i can buy it and get rid of it when i dont want it anymore'. the costs could be more than you bargain for.

Xales Tue 18-Jun-13 11:45:17

Your H only wants you because you are interested in and interesting to another.

He does not want you for you.

As soon as you drop the other bloke and agree to try again you will be back at the start.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 18-Jun-13 12:04:29

Mice, I do actually think this bloke could be a bit dodgy in that respect. Just little things. I've been in an abusive relationship before, so I've always got my bullshit detector on.

Btw the lasagne comment is still making me chuckle. grin

It does make the heartache easier, having a gentleman distraction.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Jun-13 12:13:27

"Out of the frying pan into the fire" was what struck me, give yourself some breathing space.

Check in here for compliments instead.
How is your day going? You have stunning eyes and, um, neat ankles <flounders>.

Feckssake Tue 18-Jun-13 12:19:57

ooo, my turn! Can I just say that your moniker is exceptionally clever and that must mean you're exceptionally clever.? UterusUterusGhali. It makes me chuckle every time I see it.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 18-Jun-13 12:29:35

Thank you, ladies. grin

<<hides cankles>>

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Jun-13 12:36:05

If you both want to save your marriage, then you need to sit down and talk and yes, maybe see a counsellor. But you BOTH have to really want to do that. Maybe you can only decide that After a session of counselling.

Maybe your H left because of the financial situation, has he got into debt and been afraid to discuss it? I am not condoning his behaviour one iota, but it is hard to walk away from a marriage when children are involved.

While you are texting somebody else, then they will be getting all the good feelings and your H won't. So if you decide that you can save your marriage, you obviously need to stop texting. My XH walked out, came back for six weeks, and texted OW thousands of times during that period, so our marriage was never going to work, because his heart and head were elsewhere.

I am not saying that you should save your marriage, only you can decide that. This is why you need to talk, examine all the reasons and then take it from there

LEMisdisappointed Tue 18-Jun-13 12:38:09

ofmiceandmen - with respect, you are full of shit. Having suffered from severe PND and anxiety, the last thing i needed was for my DP to leave me (oh he threatened to go becuase he couldnt stand it anymore, but he didn't because HE LOVES ME. He took me to the doctor, made sure i got the help i needed. Came home from work at a drop of a hat when i couldnt cope. It caused us BOTH terrible pain. Do NOT make out people with PND and MH issues to be guilty of EA. There is a monumental difference between calculated difference between EA and the desperation that is depression. Yes, people with depression lash out, emotionally and even physically, but it is very very different. He is not justified in leaving and now he can see she is getting on with her life he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that she isn't running after him. If he truly cared he would have gone to counselling WITH her, talked and talked and talked, but no, he "fell out of love".

UUG - this new man is no more than a distraction, too soon for anything else but if it makes you feel good enjoy it, but please don't read anymore into it that what it is just now. Your vulnerability will be obvious, he could be taking advantage.

As for your 'D'H tell him to do one!

Cailinsalach Tue 18-Jun-13 12:42:39

I think you are witty and beautiful....and smell nice!

Dahlen Tue 18-Jun-13 13:53:14

I 100% get what you're saying, Mice&men. I think what I put dh through was akin to ea. Truley. But he didn't seek help. He sought council from a woman at work whom he developed a crush on.

This is your key sentence Uterus. Your 'D'H had a plan B (the woman at work).

You were difficult to live with because of your PND. Fair enough. How much help and support did he give you during this phase? Did he do more than his fair share of laundry, ironing, vacuuming, tidying, cooking, shopping, baby burping, nappy changes, night wakings, school runs, homework with older DC, playing with the other DC? I'm going to strike out here and suggest probably not. hmm

Instead, he chose to confide in another woman - not another father whose wife has had PND and who could help him gain some ideas about how to get through this and worked for him - but a woman.

He could have used the energy and money he spent moving out to help make your life easier.

He could have taken the children with him while you recovered.

He made a choice to make your PND about his needs not being met.

And I suspect those needs were all focused on the other woman. Conveniently, your PND gave him the ideal excuse to try his cake and eat it while convincing himself that he wasn't an unfaithful unsupportive husband because he wasn't actually having an affair. He'd behaved honourably by leaving the family home, etc hmm and if it didn't work out with OW then it would be unlikely that you'd move on in that time, given your PND, so he could move back in, playing the caring DH role who couldn't bear to leave his children and wanted desperately to support his wife - conveniently ignoring the fact that she'll have done most of her healing without his support and will already be well on the mend when he returns so can resume the role of chief bottle washer while simultaneously wanting to make up for the "hell" she put him through while suffering from PND.

If he genuinely loves you and wants to try again, he won't try to convince you that you are wrong to have moved on and do X, y, z yourself. He'll apologise for not being there for you and try to convince you that he's worth taking the chance on because he is going to do x, y, z to make your marriage better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Jun-13 14:25:20

He didn't just leave OP he skipped out on their 3 DCs too. Even if he could justify walking out because of her PND he still thought her fit enough to care for the DCs. Which is useful if he is unburdened just as he picks another woman's shoulder to cry on.

noddyboulder Tue 18-Jun-13 14:43:25

Uterus - I remember a thread by you a while ago. This man is a nasty bit of work. He has had an affair and caused you an enormous amount of pain and is now still trying to control what you do. WTF? I'll bet his bit on the side has dumped him so he's now sniffing around for another mug to wash his socks and service him.

Don't be that woman. This is your chance for freedom. If you get back together, could you really ever forgive him for leaving you when you needed him most? And who's to say that if things get bad in future he wouldn't find another welcoming fanny female shoulder to cry on? Run woman, run!

Well said noddy
Couldn't have put it better myself.
No no no no and again NO!!!!!!!!

TotallyBursar Wed 19-Jun-13 01:58:35

You both made promises actually love.

You seem to be the only one that cared about keeping them.

Stay for the children, in misery, until he leaves anyway. He skipped out and dumped them quick enough before. Your children won't thank you for it so why suffer it.
You had abusive relationships in the past...that tense is troubling me, because his actions betray him.

You are a wonderful, witty, intelligent woman. Don't waste that on him when it could be so valuable to you and your children.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 02:15:23

Keep detaching from this utter prick... for your own sanity. He wants what he can't have - That Is All. If he got you back he would soon be back to 'I don't know what I want', 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and all the rest of the shite.

You and your children deserve much more than that twat. Yes, you made your vows - but I am sure you didn't vow to love & honour him no matter how much he controlled, abused or hurt you!?!

Yes New Bloke is a welcome distraction. Have some fun. Be safe. Don't introduce him to your kids.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 19-Jun-13 14:10:26

Chipping, I deffinately won't introduce him to my dc! I don't refer to them by their names. He won't be coming to my house either.

DialsMavis Wed 19-Jun-13 14:38:51

I read the thread when your DH left, it was heartbreaking. Please don't go back to him.

badinage Wed 19-Jun-13 14:49:59

Isn't your ex the ridiculous little man who used to complain that you weren't servile enough towards the 'man of the house'? shock

Who left you high and dry because he was having an affair?

You would be utterly bonkers to go back to him.

Say no and see where this new relationship takes you. Don't mess this other bloke around and be clear you're still not in the right frame of mind for anything more than a pleasant distraction.

Why on earth would anyone flame you or think you fucked up for getting involved with a new man when you are single? confused

As soon as that silly little drip of a man left home, the fidelity contract was broken. But he broke that waaay before he left home anyway. He was so obviously shagging this OW before he left you. It's probably all gone belly-up for him now and this is why he wants to reassert his 'rights'.

But he hasn't got any rights over you any longer. Don't let him back into your life.

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