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Dating thread 55, everyone welcome!

(1000 Posts)
lubeytoobooby Fri 31-May-13 13:19:39

Woop! Lubes is BACK grin

newbies, daters, those taking a break, online dating real life dating or otherwise, and the loved up.... all welcome!

Off we go -chit chat away.

(I might even dip a toe back in myself)

MirandaWest Fri 31-May-13 13:21:45

Hello smile

lubeytoobooby Fri 31-May-13 13:24:44

Good luck meeting the parents Miranda, you'll do grand, don't worry!

Kirstywirsty Fri 31-May-13 13:27:35

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. If it is not fun, stop

Kirstywirsty Fri 31-May-13 13:29:53

Marking my spot - been seeing Rocky for almost 4 weeks .. all going quite well I think .. We seem to be quite a good match .. want the same things ( lots of lovely sex and no commitment but only seeing each other) and the chemistry is great

KinNora Fri 31-May-13 13:43:34

Hello lovely shiny new thread, she's not said anything yet - hmmm, as a rule she thinks it's fine to say whatever she wants to me, frequently based on her own obsession with weight.
Last time she said anything she compared my legs to my famous-for-having-horrible-legs grandma's, I refuted this as although they ain't the endless supermodel limbs of my dreams, I don't have cankles.
She is also obsessed with any hint of underwear on show as she believes it's 'immodest' - fortunately she is blissfully unaware of me having had spectacular sex in the Scottish countryside which would put me off the 'immodest' scale and cause her to disown me.

Lubey yes I'm off again and can't wait. It will have been four weeks since I saw him. Again, no return ticket but planning on a week or 10 days this time. I like it at his place, it's like being on holiday.

Kin does showbiz have a place in Scotland?

Kirsty that sound like a perfect arrangement, a relationship really without any hassle and he seems a good'un

VelvetSpoon Fri 31-May-13 13:55:25

Quick <wave> to new thread!

Things are better for me. Children are (ftb) manageable, job is great and I am enjoying some slightly inappropriate flirting with the oldenoughjusttobemydad guy I am working for, who holds eye contact with me just a bit too long and thinks all the work I'm doing is great (he's right of course!). No real progress with C but I am rather smitten (work stuff being just a bit of harmless fun!) and will be seeing him again soon, and am hopeful things are going in the right direction.

And I've lost a stone in 4 weeks smile

Hope everyone else is well and happy, not at all up to speed with everyone's dating etc, will try to keep up with this thread a bit better now I have less of a doomcloud hanging over me smile

lubeytoobooby Fri 31-May-13 13:56:01

oooh lovely Juliette grin

and yes Kirsty that's exactly my preferred kind of arrangement.Brilliant! Go girl!

Moanranger Fri 31-May-13 14:14:31

Hi, all, about time for new thread. Meet Up guy update - two excellent nights of passion, but now I am in emotional panic mode, as he has suddenly "disappeared". I am probably channelling my inner 15 YO again as it has not been 48 hours since I last heard from him - we both very busy, no hint of issues in his last text, but suddenly - nothing! I am hoping lost mobile or something.
My insecure side notes that he spent several days at ex-Ps house ( where his kids live) dIYing, but there is always the possibility of ex re-emerging as a "let's try again" situation. Help!
Juliette Montague any words of advice? My freak out is around trust - trusting someone enough to sleep with them, trusting them enough to believe they say what they mean.
Dating - yuk!!!

Iwantavwcamper Fri 31-May-13 14:47:14

Hello everyone. I'm a long time lurker and think all your goings on and advice are just fab. I've been seeing a guy I met in RL for about 6mths. He's lovely and we get on really well. The downside is that he's really busy work wise and I'm a single, working mum to 3 teenagers so getting together is difficult sometimes. We used to met up a couple of times a week initially but seems to be weekly now although can be longer gaps if he's away working. We do text a lot though, very chatty/flirty and he's very open about where he is and what he's up to. I'm not looking for a new partner too live with me or anything but sometimes feel like I'm doing all the giving to fit in to see this guy when it fits in with him. It feels a bit lopsided IYKWIM. Any thoughts? I've stayed over at his place several times, he's met the children once but never stayed over. I'm worried that I'm starting to invest more than him. Is that just a female thing to worry like that now we've been together for about 6mths. This is my first relationship post divorce(exH left for OW almost 4yrs ago).

KinNora Fri 31-May-13 14:50:27

How lovely to hear you sounding so much happier Velvet and bravo on both the weight loss and the flirting with the boss.

Moan it is hideous, you have my sympathy, the inner 15 year old is always waiting to pounce. The thing is that if they're going to disappear or make the beast with two backs with their ex, they'll do it regardless so the worrying just serves to make you feel bad, I tell myself that I'm not that bothered, big whatever and go off doing things that make me happy. I realise that self-deception isn't an ideal way to manage anxieties but it helps me.

Juliette - nah, Showbiz hasn't got a place in Scotland, Spud Wankface lives up there.

T2710 Fri 31-May-13 15:23:11

Will catch up in a mo, just marking a place

Snapespeare Fri 31-May-13 17:02:07

Very quick thread mark, off to namelesses for the evening. Going to drive over as 15yo DS1 is home alone and not 100% certain that I should do a sleepover tonight. DS seems OK in himself, but hasn't had house to himself overnight before. Haven't made up my mind whether to drive back tonight, or tomorrow. Hmm. Thoughts?

Lovely to see a happy velvet it's nice when you're feeling awesome, because you are. smile

lubeytoobooby Fri 31-May-13 17:13:38

Snape I left DD overnight now and then from age 15. No probs at all. Depends on the individual teen I suppose

WarmFuzzyFun Fri 31-May-13 17:21:26

Well hello thread 55! (Said in a Cilla Black 'Blind Date' stylee)

Snape, I would go home, if you are not sure. Otherwise you might spend the night worrying and not really relaxing/sleeping (after 'activity' time).

I will be back....

Hello everyone!

Think I'm meeting up with oil rigger to see the new Star Trek movie tonight. And if he can't make it, I am going by myself!

Find myself actually wishing for his company though.

Bant Fri 31-May-13 18:28:07

Hello camper (I can hear Ruth Madoc from hi-de-hi in my head)

Has he not sleep over as either of you are uncomfortable about the DC? Sometimes work can take a priority especially once a relationship is established, but it can feel like being taken for granted.. How old ate your DC? And does he have his own kids?

T2710 Fri 31-May-13 18:34:09

I think it depends on how mature a 15 y/o he is, in sure you know best, just do whatever you feel comfortable doing smile

This has got me wondering, is there anyone here with younger children? My ds is only 19m

contortionist Fri 31-May-13 18:42:07
Iwantavwcamper Fri 31-May-13 18:47:26

Ho-de-Ho Bant !! Yes it felt strange for me at the beginning to have him here with the DC's and because he has his own house and lives on his own its been fine to spend time there. He does have his own children, 5yo twins who live with his exPartner. She works away two days a week(stays away overnight) so he stays at her place to look after them. They are on fairly good terms and it works best as all the children's stuff is there etc. I'm not sure how I start to integrate him into my life a bit more; I don't want him to feel like I'm putting pressure on, I'm not at all I just like spending time together. I worry a bit when I suggest something and he declines because he's busy ir something. I think as well I have these moments of insecurity because of what happened with exH and also have a tendency to overthink things maybe.

Iwantavwcamper Fri 31-May-13 18:48:26

Oh meant to say my lot are 17,14,12

Hi all! Feeling better at the moment, sunshine and drinks with a friend tonight have helped.
Also am subject to a rather romantic persuing from a chap I used to work with. We went on a date end of last year and spark wasn't really there for me. Then it emerged he had a girlfriend of sorts and she saw texts and texted me, all very awkward and I wrote him off. He's now texting, fb'ing and now has messaged me on POF and has changed his description of himself to say he's looking for 'someone like Dolly who I used to work with, she'd be perfect but I fear I have ballsed that up and made an arse of myself' blush Not sure how the other women on the site will be impressed with that but it did raise a smile smile What do you think? Worth meeting for a drink? The sort of girlfriend is off the scene, obv. I just feel that if we meet again and it's still not there for me then I've led him up the garden path. Sigh.
Cop boy still seems keen but no date arranged after a week of chatting and phone calls....
By the way I have young ones too, almost 4 and 14 month old DD's.

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 31-May-13 19:31:25

Hi all, I'm on the dating scene again and having fun mostly but its a minefield. So, fwb texts today asking if I'm free over the weekend, I tell him no I'm not then he texts saying he's back with his ex and wanted to meet to tell me face to face. It would seem chivalry is not dead. So, he's dropping dvd back to me Sunday. sad

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 31-May-13 19:52:57

In a nicer note, I'm hoping to meet someone for coffee on Sunday. If I can get a sitter.

Pomegranatenoir Fri 31-May-13 20:09:55

My children are young - 4 and 14 months.

Not quite sure I qualify for dating though as my love life is pretty non existent!!!

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 31-May-13 20:26:06

Pome, why wouldn't you qualify for dating? Do you get any free time?

Pomegranatenoir Fri 31-May-13 21:45:35

I work full time but try to get nights out when I can. Struggling a bit at the minute to get nights out sorted. All my friends are coupled up (which equals busy!) and I don't seem to meet any decent men online. I must be doing something wrong!!!

Think I could do with a profile check if anyone fancies helping out...?

How about you oops?

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 31-May-13 21:52:05

I work full time too and have the problem of having next to no childcare but do attract some men who seem ok and the odd one that's not ok. I was invited out by 3 men this weekend but no childcare. It's shit but that's life. Do you have family, what about dad?

I'm a big fan if a sparse profile, use the word fun at least once and if you want those who are serious be clear you're looking for a relationship. There are lord if nice men out there. I've yet to meet him but I'm sure we will find someone.

Pomegranatenoir Fri 31-May-13 22:07:02

Their dad has moved quite far away and only sees them every fortnight. Can't see that changing either.

Might give the sparse profile a go. Need some new pics too. I get lots of complements on my pic and profile bit none of them are off men I would like to date. It is soul destroying at times!'

Well done to you on getting 3 dates. That's brilliant. Childcare is tricky for me too. It's hard to balance what is right for children by what is right for mum. I feel your pain!!

Ranger we all have the 15 yo inside us. What you do about it depends on whether you think it's because of your own past experiences or something to do with him. If it's a gut feel that something isn't right from signals you're picking up then yes, be alert. But you say you think it's coming from you. I know it must be difficult to trust again but like I said recently most men don't cheat. Do you have any reason whatsoever to think he's cheating? or is it that you think he's going to turn around and vanish completely (this is my own personal hell of choice), or 'dump' you, or run away because you've slept with him? Any of these are possible, none of these would be a reflection on you or your having slept with him. It's the risk you take when you get involved with someone and most of the time, the other person is oblivious to our private hell because nothing is going on.

You are having some great sex and other good times and that's to be celebrated. What will be will be, people behave as they want to for their own reasons and no amount of fretting will change that unless you start some proper stalking. Meanwhile you channel insouciance, keep your radar tuned and try to relax into it (yes I know, virtually impossible but whatever) grin

mercury7 Fri 31-May-13 22:26:56

most of the time, the other person is oblivious to our private hell because nothing is going on

well said Juliettegrin

but it's very hard not to keep wandering into the private hell...that labyrinth of tortured irrational speculations

ike1 Fri 31-May-13 22:49:03

Does anyone else like the smell of their own feet? My STINK! I have been uphill gardening all day and am enjoying the fetid waft as I sit here typing.....

ike1 Fri 31-May-13 23:15:36

That's a resounding NO then.....

KinNora Fri 31-May-13 23:20:47

<books Ike some therapy sessions>

No, I don't and I'm getting worse about feet as I get older. Shudder.

ike1 Fri 31-May-13 23:28:40

Lol ....maybe its just mine then that are particularly aromatic ...

KinNora Fri 31-May-13 23:32:44

Do you enjoy your own flatulence too, you mucky pup ?

Snapespeare Fri 31-May-13 23:48:48

came home, felt a bit weird about leaving DS home alone, but had lovely evening & might acquired some photographs for 'personal use'. blush

If he ever dumps me, keep a close eye on my Facebook. <jk> hmm

ike1 Fri 31-May-13 23:52:26

Heh heh I Do actually Kin! Snape I dont need photos I have my own delightful fragrances to turn me on....

T2710 Fri 31-May-13 23:59:03

Well you probably wouldn't have been able to relax if you'd stayed snape. Glad you had a good evening.

I have upped my game on Pof and actually sent a message to someone!! I've got a few on the go now, which is distracting from my slightly bruised ego from Thursday (even though it was clearly for the best). Should have a few dates lined up for the next couple of weeks!

ike1 Sat 01-Jun-13 00:24:52

Back to messaging Mr Beard...he seems like a super guy ....might have to find my way around the beard...

Bant Sat 01-Jun-13 01:23:23

Shitty day. My boss shouting for most of the afternoon, followed by a 3 hour delay at the airport on the way back to england, get home to find the decree nisi in the post.

Still, I get the next few days with my DC. Makes up for it, almost.

No dating news.

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 06:47:41

Sorry you had a crap day Bant, not that saying that helps you very much but the sentiment's there. Have a lovely time with your children.

Snape I'm wearing my intrigued face.

Ike and you look like such a charming, dainty young woman.
Beardy is the ZZ Top bloke, right ?

T27 that's good news, I hope the dates turn out to be great.

Morning everyone, it's too early, me no likey.

Kirstywirsty Sat 01-Jun-13 07:49:29

ike is uphill gardening not something else altogether??? ;)

Djangounhinged Sat 01-Jun-13 08:14:10

Hello new thread smile

Not much to report here... Broke contact with the chap I was supposed to meet last night, as a bit of googling revealed that he had told a heap of lies and was at least 10 years older than his profile said....

On your good advice I favourited and messaged a few nice looking men on POF, have a couple of wee chats which came to nothing.... But a few very flirty messages from a very handsome joiner. Hoping we might meet up this evening cos I'm free soon!

And if that fails I've got an interesting looking plumber to message with. As someone who said she was looking for someone with a degree, I'm quite surprised to be going round all the trades like this!!

Happy dating to those of you off out this weekend smile

Secretservice Sat 01-Jun-13 08:20:03

I'm back, literally and figuratively grin

You lot move on so fast, half of you here now will never have heard of me, and to the others I might, at best, sound vaguely familiar!

But I need a stern talking to, and where better than here!

I have a date today!!!!! And I'm far too excited

It's the first since the amazing disparu, but I appear not to have learnt my lesson and need some cold water thrown in my face, or the application of a wet fish!.

Especially as he's just texted to say he's looking forward to seeing me!

Bant sorry yesterday was bad, the boss shouting meh, but the divorce has to have felt awful even when you know it's coming. Divorce doom is to be expected though, I'm sure it will shift once its all done. Meanwhile DC days ahead and (hugs).

django that's pants but well done you for catching and dumping.

secret hello! you'll find the fish is still on my profile but a bit of excitement is a good thing, yes? grin

Talking of which, five sleeps wink

Secretservice Sat 01-Jun-13 08:43:09

Excitement is good, Juliette but look what happened last time I felt like this! Moderation is not my friend at the moment.

Thrilled at you and Dutchy, it's reading about yous two, Nameless, Rocky, Mr Nice and any other loved-ups (or as close as dammit) that has hep me going - that there some good uns out there and it's time I got mine!

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 09:13:33

Sorry, not been very postative recently, feeling a bit low and discouraged for no particular reason and didn't want to put the thread on a downer maaan.

Off out tonight with potentially very good bloke, overwhelming feeling is why bother because it will just be another one going nowhere. I am going to bother, though - maybe this time? I think he's getting a bit carried away and needs the fish, have tried to tell him I'm not going to be the same as the person he's imagining, but it's his first date and he's all starry-eyed and over-excited.

I knew you couldn't resist a good beard Ike! But I'm with Nora on the foot thing. Bit of fresh ordinary sweat is ok but not horrible foot sweat!

Django good googling, better to find out now. I am going to google people in future - googled LM recently which I'd not done before but I was being sad, and found out something absolutely shocking that has knocked me for six. I am well out of it. Hope you get to meet up with the joiner.

SS course I remember you! Loads of luck for your date!

Pom more than happy to look at your profile but won't be til Monday as my PC at home is broken and my phone blocks dating sites ... I go out once or twice a week, get babysitters over. Hasn't had any ill effects on the dc I hope.

T sounding good.

Bant nothing like an overheated tirade to round off the working week - silly sod. Getting the papers is bound to be a difficult time, unsettling, even though you know it's the right thing. Hope you have a wonderful weekend with the dc.

Hello Camper - sounds like a bit of a chat with him is in order. He probably doesn't realise how you feel so better to just say you'd like to spend a bit more time together, and see what happens ...

Nora hope you have a nice half-slip on today, otherwise the sun might shine through your skirt and people will <gasp> see your legs. Beware.

Miranda fingers crossed it all goes well.

Hello everyone else!

Secretservice Sat 01-Jun-13 09:50:45

OWW sorry you're feeling a bit down today, hopefully Newbie can put a spring back in your step! Sorry LM is still shocking you, but at least it must help do away with all the 'what ifs'

This is my first daylight first date - only 3 hours to go, and I don't think there's another concealer in the world to hide my bags and sags.

And which tights? Opaques or not. Is the dress too dressy for lunch? Aaargh! Where is my insouciance?

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 10:14:49

Secret insouciance has to be worked at ( I'm no fricking good at it at all ) - have fun and remember the loo report.

Django good sleuthing, I take the view that it's best to be armed with information.

OWW sorry you're feeling fed up and even more sorry that Loser Man has managed to upset you even at a distance. I hope new bloke is a breath of fresh air. You're bothering because you're a lovely person and one day you will find a fantastic man who won't be able to believe his luck.

I'm wearing jeans but have, like the no-good trollop I am, got a black and green bra on underneath a gingham shirt - I'm channelling The Beverly Hillbillies today ( I can sing the theme tune for you if you'd like )

OWW LM is nor worth another thought, you already found out loads when you were with him but that was like being slowly boiled from a cold pan. Don't let him knock you any more, he's nothing compared to you.

Kin dark bra, gingham shirt? Straight to hell grin

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 10:43:38

Have a cup of Texas Tea Nora!

Tonight's bloke is different to my usuals, to be honest I wouldn't have contacted him but he contacted me and just seems really nice and genuine. Am also in need of a damn good seeing to which might be colouring my judgement.

SS what sort of place are you going to for lunch? I have had very few daytime dates, much prefer to lurk about in dim and forgiving lighting. But I bet you look great, and I bet you he won't notice your outfit apart from thinking "Wow!"

Not really upset about LM but shocked! And doubting my judgement even more ...

Morning all.

I'm back. I had a OD break for a couple of weeks. I have checked it and its no better grin

I'm going out tonight so might find him while out. My take away is back blush I saw him topless and now its back! He also now waves if I'm out and he's driving past. I'm getting there. grin

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 10:57:32

Has he lost the hat SP?

He lost his hat and his top and I must say its a very nice sight grin

OD isn't getting me anywhere. Just random nutters and strange requests. I'm going to try RL i think. It will take forever no doubt but its worth a shot.

Tonight I shall see what talents out grin

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 11:12:06

Pizza Man SP ? Quick, someone get the porn soundtrack.

OWW ah the 'need a damn good seeing to' spectacles, they're responsible for a lot if you ask me.

Swimming pools and movie stars ...

Yes its the pizza man again. He was topless and hatless and it was lovely to see. Maybe I judged the hat too much grin

ike1 Sat 01-Jun-13 11:40:30

Now dont laugh...Mr Beard is a qualified bushcraft instructor (yes another one)

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 11:59:09

Too late Ike ...

ike1 Sat 01-Jun-13 12:17:19

Yep Kin and he cant wait to tame my woodland...

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 12:26:33

Ike that has made me grin. Wonder what the exams involved for that then?

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 12:37:41

On one thread I read once, probably about bikini waxing or something, a poster described her genitalia as 'looking like David Bellamy saying 'WOW' ' - it made me hysterical for a while and for some reason you've reminded me of it now.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 13:18:06

grin @Ike

I know I have been lurking and neglecting my Jezebel behaviours recently [WFF looks shamefaced]

But in my defence I've been...well, actually not much. Won't bore you lovely folk with my Nihilist existence...been a bit meh, ya'll know how that is? wink

SP I would make mention to pizza man the places you frequent, see if he turns up...

SS good to see you back and good luck (fingers crossed), I look forward to the post date report...

Django I have found, googling can create a 'what the hell is he doing with me?' thought, if the person in question has achieved much/has a lot of positive stuff. (especially wrt: Lab)

Bant sad about the nisi, enjoy your time with your children, give them tail feathers a

OWW, you should trust yourself more not less as a result of what you found out, as you have more evidence that you were and are complete right about him. smile

Juliette 5 sleeps eh? You'd better make the most of them there sleeps as there will be little sleeping once you see Dutchy wink and yes I am buying a fascinator in orange, in the shape of a yacht, just in case, so there!

Miranda hope all goes well smile

Hey Twinny I imagined you looking more of a Daisy Dukes/Dukes of Hazard caricature (in the nicest possible way, of course). I had a lovely gingham shirt but the buttons could not longer stand the strain so another item to the charity shop blush

Hey T, Merc, Velvet, Snape*Lubes, Kirsty, Moan, camper, Raf, Dolly, Daisy, Pom*

Now, I haven't mentioned everyone, I know but please forgive me, I've tried me best!

ike1 Sat 01-Jun-13 13:33:57

Dunno my darlings probs an nvq for ferreting around in damp undergrowth ....he's teaching rifle shooting this afternoon so man of action as well as beard....

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 13:35:29

Hello Twinny, love. My gingham blouse is a VoH special, I wish I looked like Daisy Duke - more of a David Dickenson vibe going on ( hilarious gag for those who've been exposed to whatever that ITV afternoon antiques show is called ). How are you and how's Lab ?

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 13:36:01

I think he sounds lurvely Ike. Ya'll know I like man hair...drools

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 13:36:14

Has he got an impressive weapon Ike ?

Well i wont be going anywhere tonight due to having my bag stolen with ID.

Night in and cant even get take away man to come as card was in bag so cant get money out. Today loves me

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 13:41:20

Hey Kinsmile Lab is...I am not sure...met him for coffee the other day. Was nice, but I am getting a different vibe from him, not one I like either. Am wondering if I did the right thing to close down my options and go exclusive so early on...

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 13:45:28

TMI alert:

Having said that, I always sit there (whenever we go out) and just count the hours/minutes until I get to take him to bed, so blush I may let my leaping ladyparts rule proceedings for a bit and continue to go with the flow of events.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 13:47:02

Oh no SP angry Sorry, it is a pain, especially on a weekend.

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 14:27:19

God, I'm sorry SP that's horrendous, can you get hold of any emergency cash ?

WFF arf at 'leaping ladyparts' - I stole 'fanny flutter' off someone on another thread. Do you think he might still be dealing with his recent problems ? Also, are your other options still open ?

No emergency cash. Even if could still ID issue

Snapespeare Sat 01-Jun-13 14:41:33

secret eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! At date! Excited! Hope it goes well. smile

bant kindly accept a nice mug of brandy hot chocolate and an all encompassing hug of non MN-i-ness. It will all be well, it's just the getting there.

juliette. FIVE!!! (Almost booked holiday, we have decided on Corfu, he found lovely little quirky guest-house last night. Public thank you for all of your suggestions and help x)

OWW brandy hot chocolate and hugs for you as well, my lovely.

Am excited for daters-dates tonight and sending positive vibes.

Snapespeare Sat 01-Jun-13 14:43:15

And fucking hell! at SP. thats a bugger. sad

'leaping ladyparts' - & 'fanny flutter' grin I like the term 'fizzy knickers' blush

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 14:48:09

Yes, let's hope it is life and it's dramas rather than him going off me grin

But believe me, as much as I like him, I have rhino hide.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 14:49:23

blush look at that: its not it's fgs (goodness, not god)

SP that's horrible. I hope you get it all sorted as soon as.

Right, I'm at Mum's. I will sound like a heartless cow but I'm surprised I haven't combusted. I want to scream.

Also, bear with me on this as It will seem silly but just need to get it out, she's given away/thrown out from her garage the only two items from childhood that I asked her to keep . When I asked about the things that have gone she got ill.

So out go the things that i treasured and instead my Mum has dug out a creepy doll collection i didnt know she kept , but i hated as a kid and laid them on the bed 'to stop them being crushed'. The one (black) doll I did like, never existed.

I know it's now dementia but its always been like this. I can't say anything or she gets ill ( I think it's a genuine reaction), or cries or denies.

Sorry for the outburst, i know it won't change but someone just say something nice, please. I don't think I'm heartless, just Leary to be hard hearted.

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 15:09:00

Dear Juliette you are not heartless, you are allowed to feel angry and hurt, dementia is an infuriating, distressing, hurtful terrible thing to deal with, sometimes it's harder for the relatives to deal with than it is for the person themselves. Big hug x

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 15:11:34

And you can say whatever you want on here or via pm, it's important you feel able to vent.

Snape I love 'fizzy knickers' , that's genius. grin

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 15:12:11

Oh ffs I meant grin

Thanks Kin. the thing is, it's always been like this so it's a continuation of the same things but I actually find it easier to deal with knowing there is dementia as well. I'm raging though.

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 15:29:00

Oh Juliette that's awful, really understand how you are feeling. If she's given the things to someone, any chance of getting them back? Hugs to you, horrible situation and so difficult to deal with.

And hugs to you SP. Absolute bummer.

WFF what were the vibes? If it was just a one-off I don't think there's anything sinister going on, probably just a crap day.

Ooh Corfu Snape that will be lovely, beautiful place away from the touristy bits.

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 15:31:58

Juliette my mum has always been "difficult" but now I am 100% sure there's some kind of mental illness there too - it makes it easier in a strange way as I can put things down to the illness rather than just her being a crap mum (which is also true).

VelvetSpoon Sat 01-Jun-13 15:34:09

SP that's utterly rubbish I'm sorry.

My good mood has evaporated due to my tosspot of an Ex kicking off, long and rather nasty story I won't go into, suffice to say he has upset and annoyed me in equal measure, and fucked up my weekend plans. Arse angry

In such stressful times I would usually seek solace in chocolate, alcohol, or a man[ blush] But I cant just ring C up out of the blue and say 'come and give me a hug' because, well, he's not my boyfriend. And alcohol and chocolate are banned on my diet. Water and carrot sticks are scant consolation!

Will try and relocate my happy inner self and report back later smile

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 15:50:34

Juliette yes, I remember you saying that your mum had always been 'difficult', the whole thing must be very difficult to deal with.

Velvet - what an arse he sounds.

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 15:52:13

How about a long bath and a good book? Works for me. Sorry to hear about your ex and hope you get your equanimity back soon - sounds like you are in a much better place generally smile

Snapespeare Sat 01-Jun-13 16:04:44

juliette you poor thing. I know exactly what this is like, my teenage years were spent looking after my great aunt who lived with us who developed Alzheimer's when I was around 12. I'll PM you a hilarious (in retrospect...) story about royal wedding day and the hidden poo. But I absolutely get how upsetting and difficult this is for you. I know that you know there is little that can be done, other than looking after yourself and your resilience and recognising that you are not alone in this. Have a sneaky-hug. I'll be thinking about you. smile

Thanks all, OWW yes when you know there is something else wrong it is easier to deal with.

Snape I missed the bit about Corfu. How exciting, yay for guest houses grin

Velvet. What an arse. Good on you for sticking with the diet though.

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 17:26:25

SS need an update on your lunch date - hoping it went superbly.

Got butterflies about tonight. Trying not to get excited, but I am, a bit. Foolishly did some painting this afternoon and despite a bath keep finding little speckles of white emulsion all over. In the hair is worst as they bear an uncanny resemblance to nit eggs. Not the best look for a date.

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 17:27:07

Or dandruff, and that's not much better.

Kirstywirsty Sat 01-Jun-13 17:52:34

juliette,*velvet*, bant and SP hugs

I'm heading out on a ladies night .. 25 of us for dinner and then onto the pub to a reserved area .. Not heard from Rocky today .. I have texted him first the last couple of days so resisting the temptation .. Insouciance personified me grin

Kirstywirsty Sat 01-Jun-13 17:53:23

OWW look forward to loo update!

Hi to everyone else ( hit send too soon)

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 18:07:08

Good luck OWW, enjoy yourself, you too Kirsty and anyone else going out tonight.

ike1 Sat 01-Jun-13 18:09:02

Glad you are now getting excited OWW ...good sign lovely girl...

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 19:07:56

Oh I hope so Ike - I am butterflying and fizzing all over the blooming place now! Maybe, just maybe, and it's only a maybe ....

Iwantavwcamper Sat 01-Jun-13 19:24:50

Thanks all for your thoughts and I think you're right in that I'm sure he wouldn't realise that I was worrying about stuff. It's all in my head I think. Good luck to everyone dating tonight

Djangounhinged Sat 01-Jun-13 21:09:00

Hope you're having a good time OWW smile

SP sorry to hear about your purse, that truly sucks sad

Juliette I also have a mum who has done/said all sorts of horrid things over the years, she is a narc, I can empathise. I can see how it's almost easier to understand now that your mum has Alzheimer's, but at the same time, I'm sure it still hurts like hell, like it always has. Hugs to you.

Kirsty your current arrangement sounds fab and the kind of thing I'm looking for!

Hello to everyone else smile

Well my lovely joiner didn't get back in contact with me and I suspect he has moved on already - why do most men on OD have the attention span of a gnat? Shame, I was loving his flirty banter so much better than the usual earnest starter conversations I seem to get embroiled in, and was thinking he'd be fun as a FWB type.....

Have set up a profile on Match tonight as I got 3 days free. Bit freaked at having a more "public" profile though as I spotted my XH on there a few months ago, as well as a few of his mates.... Is there a way of hiding a Match profile, in the same way as you can hide your profile on POF?

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 22:07:33

The short answer: no, unfortunately Django

You can suspend your account, you won't be picked up on searches etc, but then you have to wait 48 hours before you can reinstate it.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 01-Jun-13 22:17:29

You can block people you don't want to talk to though, but they can still see your profile.

Match searches are a bit weird IMHO, who really wants to search for a prospective partner based on the fact that you share the same birthday confused

The men on Match made me appreciate POF

Djangounhinged Sat 01-Jun-13 22:54:13

Thanks WFF, I'm not inspired by Match offerings so far, a lot of the guys I recognise from POF anyway....

Think I might ditch OD for a while after the free days anyway, don't think I'm coming across very well and I'm getting grumpier by the day with it all!

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 22:59:28

Oooh well that was lovely. I like this man, no idea if he likes me or not. Very nice kissing in his car at the end though.

KinNora Sat 01-Jun-13 23:07:35

<gets special Northern hat and makes some nice pies and Eccles cakes for the reception>

Bant Sat 01-Jun-13 23:19:22

Come on OWW - spill. More details please

OhWesternWind Sat 01-Jun-13 23:35:34

Lovely man, proper northerner, bricklayer made good, not handsome but there is just something about him, easy conversation, no idea whatsoever if he likes me, nice meal then drinks, nothing about another date, lovely snog in the car surrounded very bizarrely by people leaving a lavish Indian wedding three doors down. No text (yet?). Says he is coming off PoF

Should I just wait and see if he texts?

T2710 Sat 01-Jun-13 23:57:55

Haven't caught up properly yet but OWW that sounds great! Try to hold out to see if he texts you! (That's what I would attempt to do anyway, I don't have much willpower)

Kirstywirsty Sun 02-Jun-13 00:30:27

I have my fingers crossed for you Oww

Flipper924 Sun 02-Jun-13 01:19:48

Fingers crossed for you here, also, OWW.

Hugs to all having tough times. SP, will you be able to get some money/id etc sorted soon?

Bant, new beginnings and all that, mate. One of my best friends is male, and obviously we can't do the same squealy hugs and 'i love you's that I do with female friends, so we have proper man love instead. I think you might benefit from some proper man love now.

Juliette, I've had similar with my Mum - she'd promised me her Mother's wedding ring and then denied all knowledge of it when I discovered from my SiL that Mum had given her the ring to sell. SiL had kept it, thinking that I might want it, but Mum then insisted that SiL had kept it because it clearly meant a lot to my brother, and I should therefore give it back. My brother had no idea the ring even existed. Mum has also thrown away all of our childhood photos (well, they were hers to throw away, after all), except for the few that she chose to put into an album for each of us. I'm quite hardened to her now, but I struggle when people expect me to be close to my Mum, because girls always are.

Growing up with a Mum like that has a lot to answer for, in my opinion, in terms of my relationship history. I always had low self esteem until fairly recently, and even now have to fight to convince myself that I am worthy of someone else's love and respect sometimes.

Ike, thought of you this afternoon and very nearly laughed out loud when 'I am the Resurrection' came on my iPod while I was walking home from the station.

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 08:58:08

Well, have had one text off him to say thanks for a good night and another one to say he enjoyed the kissing bit ...

Also just got a text off someone else about having a coffee later today - don't know whether to go or not now.

Flipper924 Sun 02-Jun-13 09:13:27


OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 09:25:56

Oh, he wants to come over tonight - I am going to say yes I think ...

MirandaWest Sun 02-Jun-13 09:35:17

That all sounds good OWW smile

Is that yesterday's one to come over tonight?

OWW ooh what are you going to do? smile

Flipper, nail.on.head. To those of you who PMed me, thanks from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences and kind words.

BillMasen Sun 02-Jun-13 10:02:03

I'm seeing mo

BillMasen Sun 02-Jun-13 10:03:24

I'm seeing moon girl for a drink on Thursday. Hmmm. No good will come of this.

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 10:09:32

Would it be really awful to see two in one day? And, more importantly, do I get a Jezebel badge to sew on my knicks if I do?

Really don't know what to do here.

Yes, it's the one from yesterday wants to come over tonight, have said yes.

Bill how did it come about, You're right of course confused

OWW it's only a coffee thing, you haven't slept with MadeGood and you have no idea of his intentions although don't be sewing on your knickers Is he coming to take you out or to your place?

Bant Sun 02-Jun-13 10:26:54

OWW - there's no moral problem with meeting two men in one day. MadeGood is just a second date. Just make sure you keep them separate times, separate places, and there's no chance of running into the other one by mistake.

Bill - why? I thought you'd called it quits with MoonGirl?

An interesting thing about messaging with CheshireCat is that she signs off with a kiss - although we didn't actually kiss the other night. However, instead of signing with a 'x' she types the phonetic translation of the hungarian word for 'kiss'.

Which is 'pussy'

Very strange way to sign off. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know. That's going to be an interesting conversation

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 10:36:57

It's a him coming here thing because of babysitters Jules - hoping for a bit of a drink and a chat then we will see, not intending to do too much as children will be in bed but some fun could be had!

Bill you know it's a Bad Plan - how has this happened and what about the Italian?

Bant that sign-off is wonderful. Are you really going to tell her? Reminds me of a conversation I had to have with my mum to disabuse her of the notion that "twit" and "twat" were synonyms that could both be used in polite society ...

BillMasen Sun 02-Jun-13 10:49:22

Moon girl, for those who don't know, was the the girl from work who was all hot and cold, on and off, messing about and not talking for weeks then back in touch.

I recieved drunken texts, then apologetic ones. It seems neither of us is going to just leave well alone so we're "catching up".

If the cycle of a bit of dating followed by a lot of silence is just going to start again then I'm not interested. Italian is nice but early days.

Kirstywirsty Sun 02-Jun-13 10:55:24

Morning all .. Haven't heard from Rocky since Friday .. We are meeting up on Tuesday ( it's his birthday) I usually hear from him every day although I have initiated contact a lot of the days .. Should I just drop him a text or leave it?

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 11:02:40

How very exciting OWW - you're not in a relationship with either man so I think it's probably fine to see them both on the same day, I reckon you qualify for a Jezebel Level Two badge.

Hello Bill it's nice to see you, to see you nice. I'm supremely unqualified to tell you it's a bad idea to see Moon Girl again, or rather probably extremely qualified, just never been one to be sensible where some people are concerned, so I'll hope she treats you the way you deserve to be treated this time.

How many sleeps Juliette ?

My sister is married to an Arab, visiting her in laws one day she talked to them in Arabic about sitting on your 'chair' unfortunately the Arabic for 'chair' with a slightly different emphasis sounds like the Arabic for 'cunt'. Apparently it was 'awkward'

Bill you know the best thing you could do is text MG saying you can't make it. If she actually became a gf she would be that crazy one you try and laugh about in years to come but you'd rather not think about. You have women at your feet already, you deserve one who treats you right.

Bant fnarr. That's priceless grin

Kirsty It's Sunday, he will be in touch before Tuesday, he has to it's his birthday...

OWW nothing wrong with two in one day at all, as Bant says seperation is the key to manovers (that was a spelling error but I quite like it).

Kin it's four sleeps! He was very sweet to me last night when I finally cracked after my day and trailed snot over the screen blush. Feeling more chipper today, thanks again for your kindness.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 11:24:53

What a sweetie Dutchy is, I'm glad you're feeling better, chuck. flowers

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 11:38:50

Dutchy is lovely Juliette. Bet you can hardly wait. Are you shagging fighting fit now in the back department?

Put the badge away Nora - it now transpires that Bloke 2 is away this weekend. Bit relieved if I'm honest, one at once is enough.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 11:45:44

I've put the badge back in its box as instructed OWW.

OWW my back is still a bit crap but I can walk and sit without wincing. Given that I could barely move for a lot of last time, the poor man won't know what's hit him grin.

Kin yes he is a sweetie, I'm getting to appreciate just how good he is <slushy>

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 11:55:01

Awwww, you're entitled to a smidge of slush.

Did they diagnose a prolapsed disc, Juliette ?

ike1 Sun 02-Jun-13 13:02:13

Mornin darlinks Oww WOW result! Jules nearly there chick! Backs are a no joke are they...lovely girl. Men have arrived in the village. Could have copped off last night in RL shock! But didnt fancy either of em. Oh and am having a great time messaging Mr Beard and Mr Falmouth both lovely geezers it seems...

Kin It's a 'bulging disc' apparently, not sure if that's prolapsed. I've now started doing stuff at the gym which has made a huge difference smile

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 13:09:44

Men in the village Ike?? Shame they're not coppable, maybe they will grow on you - or are they together?

Getting cold feet now about him coming round - yikes, yikes and thrice yikes. Have spent all morning cleaning the house and it's still a dusty, rubbly building site full of rads and tiles and sacks of mortar. Can't disguise lack of carpets either.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 13:42:41

Ah ok Juliette, medical terminology is always tricky but yes I'd say that 'bulging' probably means the same as 'prolapsed' or 'herniated' ( if you've seen any referral stuff, they might've written PID ) - they usually recommend something like Pilates or The Alexander Technique to strengthen your paravertebral muscles, I think but I'm not a physio (or else I'd be more use and a bastard )

Men in the village, Ike ? Whatever next

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 13:44:52

It'll be fine OWW , he won't be looking at the house

BillMasen Sun 02-Jun-13 16:22:17

Thanks everyone. Oh i know full well what I should do. It's just that there are some people who are just under your skin so I also know full well I won't do what i should. Which would be to ignore. I will, however, take no more messing.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 16:25:25

It's a bugger, innit Bill ? Look after yourself.

Bill, I'd take a pass on MoonGirl if I were you. I've got a fella like that, and its actually really difficult for me because I do like him a lot, but he's very wrong for me and I'd be terribly unhappy in the end.

I've been talking to Oil Rigger quite a bit, he's such a sweetheart. He wears his heart on his sleeve, which is actually quite refreshing as I don't have to guess at where his head is. Need to see him a few more times to actually know, but I think this one could go somewhere as long as I don't get scared and do a runner.

Bant and Kin, I am giggling so much over your language error stories. Too funny grin

Juliette glad to hear your back is better. You're going to knock his socks off grin But if he's wearing socks during sex there will have to be words...

Secretservice Sun 02-Jun-13 17:11:54

Sorry haven't caught up yet, only left date in time to come straight to work today [shame]

Met him at 12 and seemed pointless to go home when I was still out with him at 10pm. I figured we'd killed at least three dates in one, so...

He's lovely, cooked breakfast followed by huge bubble-making in the park! And as I really hope you'll hear more of him I shall call him Bubbleman!

grin grin grin

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 17:29:43

Rafaella I'm glad you're feeling more positive about Oil Rigger, it's very hard, I think, not to get scared and to start trusting someone again, I hope he turns out to be marvellous.

Yay Secret ! - give that woman a level Four Jezebel badge immediately.

en in the village you say? Whatever next Ike.

Secret fantastic! Jez level 4 I think. Not sure what 5 is for but I'm sure someone on here will get there.

Raf this is sounding rather good. Any sense of fancying him yet? If there was any sign of socks during sex there would be no sex

Kin yes bulging hernia has been mentioned too. It's taken a while but it's definitely getting there. Agree physios are a 'type' grin

Crossed posts with Kin there Secret. Looks like Level 4 is confirmed.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 17:40:55

Deffo Level Four, I'm thinking Level Five will be gained with the assistance of Dutchy later this week Juliette grin

Obviously it would be unprofessional to diss my physiotherapy colleagues scary

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 18:27:05

SS. Wow!!! Fabulous stuff. More please - what's he like?

mercury7 Sun 02-Jun-13 18:45:18

I had physio for a prolapsed disc several years ago Juliette, I think it was brought on by weight training, still prone to a bit of sciatica but I find yoga helps keep it at bay, and running tends to spark off the sciatica a bitsad

On my personal Jezebel scale level 5 is sex within half an hour of first meeting someone, that kind of thing is now outside of my comfort zone grin

ike1 Sun 02-Jun-13 18:55:02

Hows this for Jezebel. My mate fb'd one of the blokes in the pub last night after I left her at her door, bloke came over to hers, they ordered in a load of booze and copped....

stopusingmynicknames Sun 02-Jun-13 18:55:32

hello, may I join please? looking to start dating again.
One question - is it possible to meet a date who DOESN'T demonise their ex???? The last three men I dated were so bitter, and it's so boring hearing the 'oh she was such a bitch / I actually think she was mentally ill' type comments! I actually get on really well with my ex, but I almost feel obliged to slag him off as it seems to be the done thing!

Any thoughts, ladies and gents of the dating world?

mercury7 Sun 02-Jun-13 19:11:55

thats pretty high on the Jezebel scale Ike, but still a fairly sensible way of doing things, I mean said mate had a chance to observe him in the pub, then go away & think about it, see what her gut feeling was.
Not as nerve wracking as making an on the spot 'do I want to shag him' decision?

Hello Stop smile
you'd think, wouldnt you, that folk'd realise that slagging off the ex just makes you look bad confused

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 19:27:28

Was this one of the new men Ike? Fast work!

Stop there are a lot of men like that around, women too probably. Too much of any type of conversation, flattering or otherwise, about an ex is a bit of a bad sign.

ike1 Sun 02-Jun-13 19:33:56

I see your rationale Merc and yes OWW one of the few men under 80 that come into the gotta work fast around here. Discussing taking out the bins on POF with my menfolk

Bant Sun 02-Jun-13 19:35:18

Stop - I've heard it's quite common - and a red flag. It kind of shows an inability to accept any responsibility and to externalise blame.

And they'd end up doing the same thing with you in the future- blame you for all their problems and leave and slag you off.

Maybe you can get better at screening them out if you know signs to watch for in early conversations, but I couldn't say what those signs are. Some people (women too) seem very friendly, chatty, upbeat and happy until the subject of their ex comes up, at which point they can become very bitter - that's when I change the subject and decide they have too many issues, generally.

How about you're staying at your boyfriends flat whilst he's working abroad and waking up in the night to get water, you find a gorgeous random man on the living room sofa (friend of a flatmate I think).

In mitigation, the boyfriend had previously said that he wouldn't mind if I slept with anyone as long as he was out of the country so I took him at his word.

Bant Sun 02-Jun-13 19:39:17

And Juliette earns her level 5.

Mine was meeting a housemates friend when they got in from the pub, and being in bed with her an hour later. And same thing with a different friend (same housemate) the following weekend.

Never just stumbled across a random person on the sofa though..

Stop yes there are men who don't demonise their exes. The men on this thread for example. There is a huge difference between mentioning the facts of what happened and laying all the blame at the exes door. Even worse imo are the men who constantly complain about the money 'she's' cost him, how he still 'keeps her', she has the car blah blah. I actually avoid recently separated men, I found the issues could be too close to the surface.

ike1 Sun 02-Jun-13 19:46:41

Oh yeah, here we go again its the original H club members and their memories...............

Kirstywirsty Sun 02-Jun-13 19:56:54

Still no word ...

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 20:06:51

I think not texting is still the best plan though Kirsty especially if you've been making most of the running recently. Do you have definite plans for Tuesday?

Really hoping he's in touch with you soon. The waiting is awful, isn't it? Put your phone in a different room and watch crap tv or something for a couple of hours so you don't keep checking.

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 20:09:09

Bloody hell I'm the Mother Theresa of the thread. <hangs head in shame>

Kirsty any chance he could be up a mountain without any reception ?

MsWazowski Sun 02-Jun-13 20:17:06

Hi everyone, I've lurked on here on and off since the start, posted a few times, but not for ages.

I met someone for an initial quick drink today, he's left it up to me to text him if I want to see him again. It was pleasant enough, but I'm not sure if we had much in common really. I'm not sure if I'm just really fussy and should give it another go or whether to leave it.

I should say that I've been single for a very long time and don't think that anyone will ever meet my standards, I'm also a bit shy and worry about offending people, so if I say we could meet again, he might think I'm more interested than I think I am, then it will just be a cycle of the same. But if I don't then, I don't know, he was the only half decent seeming one on the site at the time.

On the other hand he might not be bothered either, it was hard to tell.

I know I'm over thinking this, but some other people's thoughts would help. TIA smile

Bant it would have been rude not to grin

KinNora Sun 02-Jun-13 20:34:58

MsW did you enjoy anything about meeting him or were you willing the minutes away until you could leave ? If the former then I'd see him again. I think it's worth seeing OD as a chance to get learn about what really appeals to you and what you actually want, after years of putting with with stuff.

Pomegranatenoir Sun 02-Jun-13 20:41:21

Kirsty how you feeling? That seems bit odd. I would hold out but I know it tough

Kirstywirsty Sun 02-Jun-13 20:44:55

nora he wasn't going that far afield till today .. We will see I am not texting him

MsWazowski Sun 02-Jun-13 20:58:28

Thanks Kin, it was ok really, so maybe I should give it another go. I'm really rubbish at this!

up a mountain without any reception sounds like a euphemism to me wink

MsW what do you want to do? Don't worry about what he might think, do you want to see him again. When you say not much in common what do you mean, is it the stuff that is really important to you?

zaz123456 Sun 02-Jun-13 21:26:16


I recently started dating a guy, met him on an internet site. We dated for around 8 weeks, the chemistry was unbelievable and we had amazing sex. It was a strange setup, he is divorced but liked to keep private about his personal affairs, which I respected. Over time I developed feelings for him, I didnt tell him I felt this way. We never chatted on the phone it was all texting, all seemd to be going well. Then one night Id had too much to drink and told him i wasnt willing to put my time and emotions into something that had no longevity or future. The next morning we kind of avoided the conversation.

Later that evening when I got home, we texted one another and i mentioned to him that i had lost all inhibitions and told him what i had felt the previous evening, he then text back saying that i am looking for love and he is looking to be friends, we ended it. I really liked him and i do think he liked me, I deleted his number but he contacted me a few days later. I was still hurt and angry and my text messages were not v nice, we were due to spend weekend together, he had booked and paid for it all.

He has now gone to thailand and the phillipines for a month, i have text him several times but he has not replied, what shall i do?

I thought Id feel different after two weeks but its worse, I miss him and Ive told him this but he has not replied. Any advise, would be appreciated.

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Jun-13 21:54:00

My personal opinion would be that he is married zaz123456

MsWazowski Sun 02-Jun-13 21:56:58

Juliette, I'm not really worried about what he might think, I don't really know what I'm worrying about. We've got different tastes in music and I'm sure he's got quite different political views from me (although we only slightly touched on the subject) and I've got quite strong opinions, so might be a sticking point.

Honestly, I annoy myself grin

Bant Sun 02-Jun-13 22:02:13

zaz - I'm sorry, I don't think there's any positive to come out of this.

Either, as Seraphim says, he's married - which is a strong possibility given the lack of background and phone calls.
Or - he's looking for FWB only and he's been scared off but is too much of a shit to talk about it with you properly.

Either way, after two weeks he should have picked up the phone and got in touch with you if he felt anything like what you feel. But it looks like he doesn't. Sorry.

Leave it, get on with other stuff, maybe send one final text to apologise for the nasty messages, and see if he gets in touch when he's back from 'thailand' (which sounds fishy anyway). Then see if he gets in touch. But you need to talk to him properly, not just when the chemistry is buzzing. Chemistry fades, if he's not going to talk to you about other stuff, there's no future anyway, is there?

ike1 Sun 02-Jun-13 22:13:19

I have seem to have procured a date with a widower ....

mercury7 Sun 02-Jun-13 22:53:53

zazhad he mentioned before that he had a months holiday in thailand booked, or might he have invented it to give himself a bit of breathing space?

As Bant says it does sound as if he is only looking for something casual, i think I'd be inclined to try and put it behind me if he's not replied to several texts

Zaz sweeping statement here but some men who go to 'Thailand' for extended periods of time have local OW or a 'wife' there. No excuse for him not texting back at all, if he can treat you like this now then it wouldn't bode well for the future anyway. Sorry.

Secretservice Sun 02-Jun-13 23:21:12

<twirls with shiny new badge clipped to a bra strap>

Thank you all! Still randomly grinning to myself, and then frowning when I remind myself of what happened last time, but still the grin sneaks back grin I must look deranged

For OWW he's a strapping not so young man, who had knocked the same number of years off his age as I had, so I'm actually not nearly a decade older after all! He shares all my vices blush, is solvent and intelligent, probably takes himself a little too seriously, but give me time...!

He only contacted me on Wed morning on POF, had a couple of long conversations Thursday, Friday. Met Saturday, a day I usually work. But by coincidence, or is that fate, I'd booked a day off, forgotten I'd done it and was facing a wasted day, as I'd organised nothing! Turned into the best 24hrs in many a year!

Now I have to decide if I should offer this Wednesday or wait for him to arrange the next encounter! Hmmm

Is that option no3 Ike? You seem to be slowly and quietly building a male hareem over there!

OhWesternWind Sun 02-Jun-13 23:42:02

Oh goodness, have just had proper amazing sex, absolutely brilliant. Bloody hellfire!! Am all of a daze. Oldest bloke I've been to bed with and it was fantastic.

He's coming to knock my fireplace down (not a euphemism) on Saturday, apparently ... We shall see, no idea if this will continue or not but that was just what I needed grin

zaz123456 Sun 02-Jun-13 23:43:49

Ok, Im going to forget him, v difficult. Im deleting his number again, and just going to focus on getting my head sorted. Its really put me off men!! or maybe Im allowing the wrong type of man into my life. Anyway, thank you all for the advise, maybe he is married or leads another life, who knows!! Thank you!!!

Secretservice Sun 02-Jun-13 23:51:23

Yay for OWW you can join me in the day after the night before vacant grin stage!

Winefiend Mon 03-Jun-13 00:07:34

Hello all grin

First of all - OWW major major envy ! You deserve it though so enjoy him er knocking ya fireplace in grin

Juliette how many sleeps?

Also, oiiiii! My lovely ex is a physio you know! though I only went on 2 nights out in several years as I wasn't keen on colleagues

I have had a fair bit going on. Ex moved our proper yday. Was fine till I got home then I had a bit of meltdown (even though we split well well over a year ago). Will take a bit of getting used to. The dog benefitted as he got to sleep in my bed and watch Friday's Corrie (he right likes Corrie).

On the sofa atm. Pof hidden. Though a really sweet lad ( doesn't feel quite right calling him a 'man' hmm) who I have been speaking to a while asked me out last night. He is nice, absolutely zero red flags. However, a touch of the geek but in too much of a boyish way if that makes sense? I dunno. I've put him off until at least mid June as I have too much uni work.

Mmm I dunno. I have pretty much decided that I am gonna move to LA with Josh Homme and spend my days riding on dirtbikes with the Arctic Monkeys so all of the above does not matter!

What does everyone mean by asking Juliette "how many sleeps"?

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 04:47:08

Rafaella 'how many sleeps' is the number of nights until Juliette sees Dutchy again.

OWW I am taking my hat off to you, excellent work, here's your badge (Showbiz is 13 years older than me, he appears to know stuff )

Secret what excellent use of a day off.

Zaz I know it's shite and hurtful but don't let one knobber put you off men, there are some good ones out there, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Wine I'm sure your lovely ex was very lovely, I've always thought going out with a physio would be particularly handy when you get a chest infection. The closest I got was one called Clive (yes, indeed) who wanted to have my 'babies', I wouldn't have wanted him to so much as hold my chips.

A bit of insomnia is always helpful, isn't it ? How I'm loving the prospect of getting up for work in an hour's time. Have a good day everyone.

OhWesternWind Mon 03-Jun-13 07:09:59

Stricken by morning-after blues. Not sure it was such a good idea now. I knew I'd feel like this and I still did it. Bit fed up with myself.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 07:34:39

Morning Nora hope you got a wee bit of sleep .. I didn't sleep well either .. It's a joy that it is Monday again and back to dull dreich weather

Are you all packed Juliette ??

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 07:43:45

OWW why do you have the blues??

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 07:53:06

Oh OWW don't be feeling unhappy, you did something that felt right, you're allowed to enjoy yourself.

Hello Kirsty , sorry you had a rough night too, any news from Rocky ? I slept a little, it's my own fault though - I'm a fricking halfwit.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 08:11:55

Nope nothing Nora .. Maybe he fell down a ravine or something.. One of the many things going through my head last night .. Everything was great so I wonder if he's just getting a bit twitchy again ( he was worried that I am looking for some sort of commitment and he's not .. I have assured him before that I couldn't be less interested in ever living with someone again) .. I will text him to say happy birthday tomorrow if I haven't heard from him

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 08:39:38

Is he given to those kind of wobbles Kirsty ? Having suffered at the hands of an eternal wobbler, I have to say that I find it very wearing. I hope he gets his act together.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 08:50:16

After our first weekend together he sent me a text saying he felt a bit twitchy and that he wasn't looking for commitment but he's been fine since ..

OhWesternWind Mon 03-Jun-13 08:50:43

Really sorry you've not heard anything Kirsty. I just cannot be doing with that sort of behaviour, it's incredibly draining emotionally. Hope you hear something off him soon and with a proper explanation too.

I am going to think properly about why I have the blues, so this might be a bit disjointed and rambling. I think for me sex really goes hand-in-hand with emotional closeness, and of course this early on that just isn't there. Plus I still have the conditioning about "Nice girls don't" - I know they do, but I had it drummed in to me so often during my formative years that this kind of thing is bad and cheap behaviour that I find it difficult to shut that voice up altogether. Physically it was very, very good indeed but it is the whole other side of things that was missing - not my fault, not his fault but just too early in the day for that to be there. Feel a bit sad and empty about it all I think because it brings it home that I don't have anyone to get the emotional closeness from, rubs it in a bit having one without the other. I could manage much more happily with closeness without sex than the other way round. Hope that makes a bit of sense, it's the best I can do before nine o'clock!

Don't know what will happen now. He's texted to say thanks for last night and he will be round to fettle my fireplace . . .

Flipper924 Mon 03-Jun-13 08:51:41

No! Don't be down, OWW! You had fun, you're entitled to!

And yay! for Secret, too.

I had more drinks with Mr 3DD last night, met his kids (well, officially, I've met them in the street lots before), chatted lots about OD, and we agreed that being friends is best, though he did give me a kiss as I was leaving. He said he would definitely have asked me out if I didn't live on the corner of his street, which was nice and cheered me up. I can see a very drunken summer coming up!

OWW you had a good tie, you got fantastic sex and in addition your fireplace is going to be attended to. It's all good and as Kin says, you are allowed to enjoy yourself.

Stupidly, I decided now would be a good time to sell some disasters I've never worn clothes on ebay. All sold which was a shocker and now I''m furiously packing and posting before I leave.

Raf Dutchy is actually Dutch and lives in Holland, this will be our second date. The first one was a month ago, I went to visit him for a couple of days and it lasted a week grin

Winefield it's three sleeps!

Nora not packed a thing and fortunately Dutch likes the 'casual' look.

Kirsty that is very silly behaviour from Rocky. Even if he's got twitchy, that is no excuse for being rude.

ok I've realised that last post of mine was deranged. Ignore.

OWW you are a woman first and foremost, you can do anything you want to do. You also deserve to be happy in any way you want to.

T2710 Mon 03-Jun-13 09:47:48

Kirsty that's rubbish. Hope he gets his act together.

OWW- I am exactly the same and I hate it. I find it hard not to over invest emotionally after dtd (-and also have the nice girls don't thing) BUT if you both had fun then don't feel down. He doesn't sound like a player if he's coming to fettle your fireplace :0)

Juliette- this is all so romantic and exciting. I'm jealous!

I had date with someone yest. He was actually one of the first people I spoke to on POF a few months ago and we got I great but i turned him down as I didn't feel rest to date. He messaged me again 2 weeks ago as he been off the site a while and we arranged yesterday.

Had a really nice time. Can't get out if my head that he's not my type, but this far my type has served me badly. He's also only 5'10 which is shorter than if usually go for (I'm 5,7 so may cause a heel issue) but I'm desperately trying to remind myself that it REALLY doesn't matter. I'm ridiculous. I'm not going to get to involved with this one too soon though. Hot guy (hate calling him that now, but I guess I still would wink) hurt me a bit hmm. He wants to see me again but will leave it to him to arrange. Have 4 other offer for this week from guys I've spoken to but not sure who to prioritise.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 10:34:34

Is it being rude though? I haven't texted him either ..? I am stressing that both of us will think that the other isn't interested and it will all fizzle out

Flipper924 Mon 03-Jun-13 10:37:21

Xposted with OWW. I'm the same with sex and emotions, which is why I couldn't handle a FWB arrangement, but I do like sex, so I tend to get intimate quite quickly. That always then leaves me feeling a bit weird, because the feelings haven't caught up, or I find that i'm more emotionally involved than I should be so early on.

Getting excited for you Juliette.

mercury7 Mon 03-Jun-13 10:53:31

Kirsty, I've lost count of the times I've wrongly assumed that no news is bad news...I try to take the view that everything is good unless the other person tells me differently

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 11:23:18

I decided just to text him and ask how his weekend went .. He has just replied

Hey weekend was good ta. Have been thinking things through and would like to leave things as they are. This casual stuff does not sit right with me. No reflection on you cos you are lovely but more me. Don't want a relationship and don't want that's a fucked up place to be lol x

Ah we'll at least I know now

mercury7 Mon 03-Jun-13 11:27:04

thats rather a downer Kirsty
do you think he has been fair or has he messed you around?
It is of course better to know sooner because then you can start working on putting it behind you

OhWesternWind Mon 03-Jun-13 11:34:37

Oh really sorry to hear that Kirsty, but at least he has been honest. What a shame, though. Hope you are alright.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 11:45:27

Hey ho .. Yes I am fine ( or I will be)

Kirsty fucked up indeed, he was the one who was keen to meet up so often too. A text before now would have been helpful though hmm. I'm a bit pissed off on your behalf, I hope you are ok with it all. As you say, at least you know and can cross him off your list.

T and Flipper I am beyond excited.

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 03-Jun-13 12:39:15

Kirsty, I am sorry. He is a coward though, he should have texted you rather than go silent then only explain when you contact him. Sighs, bloody bad manners, and it annoys me. Hope you have other blokes to focus on.

(If you feel you can) brush the experience off, one less to test run!

Flipper924 Mon 03-Jun-13 12:51:08

Hm, sorry about that, Kirsty, but it does explain the mixed signals you were getting. WFF is right about the lack of manners.

Secretservice Mon 03-Jun-13 12:51:38

Hope you feel better soon oww, I too struggle with the 'good girls don't' mantra.

Had to give myself a good talking to in the mirror at his on Sat! Started off with 'what the fuck are you doing here, you've known him less than three days' then I had a revelation - I'm not a girl, I'm a woman of nearly 50, what do I care what people might think! grin God knows what he thought I was doing in there!

Still found myself thinking of excuses lies to tell any friends who might ask, though.

kirsty sad hope it's not knocked you too much

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 12:56:24

I think I'll be on the sofa for a while .. Got my divorce underway and my house purchase underway .. However may arrange to meet TheBoy next time he is in Glasgow as he has been in touch

I got the all clear from the sti clinic a short while ago. As it happens, Dutchy had texted me this morning to tell me he had just received his. So I texted him back to let him know exactly what I was going to do to him that I hadn't done already. Except that it wasn't him, I had texted back the sti clinic blush.

Thankfully, the number didn't accept texts, but I imagine there is a special room somewhere that all the misdirected rude texts in the world go where they are kept forever.

Secretservice Mon 03-Jun-13 13:49:49

juliette what with your Dutch physio story, I can't wait for your next medical snippet grin

ike1 Mon 03-Jun-13 13:50:08

Oohh gosh Kirst I bet you felt like ramming the lol down his throat. Oww everything is kool for skool dont start analysing the shit out of it (but i DO understand the essence of what you are saying sometimes shagging screws with your logic).

Am thoroughly enjoying POF at the mo. Bit in love with both Mr Beard and Mr Falmouth. Mr Beard builds round houses and viking boats for kids...a man of action who shoots, does archery and rides big noisy motorbikes. He is looking for a lovely lady to spoil though, I think, I would probs be a bit much for him with my wicked ways.

Mr Falmouth is a fun guy goes to pop up sewing nights and skateboards and is just a sweet n jolly chap. Nice chats with both and they are full of praise and sweet words. Dont want to go spoiling it and meeting the buggers.

The gentleman who has lost his wife to breast cancer is also very sweet but havent chatted much to him and cos he lives closer we have decided to meet up next week for a drink. POF at its best but sure the wind will change soon enough

ike1 Mon 03-Jun-13 13:51:52

Oh no Jules...hahahahahahahahahahah..........

Ike have you got them in a holding position? What with the men-in-the-village, clearly word has got out about your allure smile. Do meet them, they sound like they would be great friends if not lovers.

Secret no, please just no. I'm not taking big pants, I'm asking for aren't I grin

MirandaWest Mon 03-Jun-13 15:01:45

Juliette that just made me giggle away to myself grin.

Kirstywirsty Mon 03-Jun-13 15:11:55

Juliette thank god the number doesn't accept texts!! You just made my day with that grin

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 16:04:27

Kirsty - it's things like that which make me think that I will never understand (some) men. I hate the going silent thing, I really do, and I'm sorry you've been subject to it.

Secret I'm still impressed by your impulsive weekend of bedroom frolics.

OWW I understand why you're feeling the way you do, god knows the 'nice girls don't' thing was drummed into me but please don't be harsh with yourself.

Ike you got it goin' on, girlfriend, I like the sound of Falmouth particularly, they're putty in your hands.

Juliette that made me arf, have you told Dutchy ?

Hello Flipper Miranda and Twinny, and everybody else (it's a fast day, I've not got the strength to type everyone's name, also got dd lying with her head in my lap, suffering with her period I think )

Bant Mon 03-Jun-13 16:10:26

Oww - just relax and enjoy the afterglow without the guilt. And good luck with the fettling.
KW - at least you know. He could've been more communicative but at least he was honest.
Juliette - I'm sure they've heard worse

I'm very much avoiding the sweet trolley due to impending dates with the Translator (who has big emotional stuff going on in her life but hasn't told me what yet) and CheshireCat.

But I keep getting quiver suggestions from ok Cupid and just wanted to point out how not to write a profile..

In one, there is a woman whose entire profile description is about her sculpture and other artworks. Nothing about her. Apparently she's an artist, I can work out that much

She also mentions she hates New York. And she likes to work hard and, yes, you guessed it, play hard.
That's all.

This is the equivalent of me banging on about my job in software for three paragraphs, saying I like long walks on the beach and don't like helicopters. How much information can be garnered from that apart from my being somewhat self centred and prone to cliches?

89% match. Meh

Secretservice Mon 03-Jun-13 16:43:25

I must confess to being a little impressed with myself, too Kin!

Now I just need a way to stop fretting that he hasn't replied to text suggesting a replay this Wednesday. I know he doesn't really do texting, didn't see his phone all weekend! But he did text, earlier yesterday to say he'd see me soon. The insouciance is starting to fray a tiny bit at the edges.

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 17:30:24

Frankly Secret I'm possibly the least insouciant person going, it sounds like you're doing pretty well to me.

T2710 Mon 03-Jun-13 18:39:20

Yesterday after my date, we discussed doing it again via text and would both like to. I desperately want to avoid being over keen (as I'm not with this one) but have other prospective dates for this week. Should i ask when he wants to do it again (we have exchanged texts again today) or leave it for a bit??

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 19:17:05

Is the only reason you aren't asking him because you don't want to look too keen T ? Because if that's the case and you really want to see him, I'd just say, life's too short to not do things you enjoy.

OhWesternWind Mon 03-Jun-13 19:23:34

Feeling much better. So many people who understand - thank you all but isn't it crap that we have these Victorian double standards still hanging over us? Saw my mum after work, was paranoid that she would "know" - pathetic!

A man who is incredible in bed AND handy round the house - could be worse! I think he is going to be even better than LM once I have trained him a bit. Makes me realise how many years of rubbish sex I put up with ....

SS hope he's in touch soon. And yours too T - think I'd leave it a bit.

Love the sound of the Viking Ike!

Juliette grin and not long to wait now!!

T2710 Mon 03-Jun-13 19:40:42

Yes Kin. I suspect I maybe appeared over keen with the last guy and put him off a bit (even though he appeared more keen than me through actions Iykwim) and don't want to do that again. It's stupid really. Just want to know so I can plan my week. He did send the last text however, so ill give it a few hours then ask casually

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 20:17:11

Yes surely a man who is incredible in bed and handy around the house is some kind of mythical creature, a bit like trying to track down a unicorn. I'm really glad you're feeling better OWW , it's difficult to overcome years of conditioning but you deserve some fun.

T the thing is, I'm not sure that if a man's keen then you can put them off like that ( unless you send them a photo where you've photoshopped your faces onto Will n Kate's wedding pictures or something ) so I reckon you should just be direct with them.

T is there a reason you have to know now? If not, I'd wait a bit. He's already said he would like to do it so its only a matter of him asking you, so why not let him have that pleasure. If it gets to the end of the week though, ask away wink

Flipper924 Mon 03-Jun-13 20:45:59

Is anyone else getting a lot more traffic than usual on pof today? Has the sun brought them all out?

OhWesternWind Mon 03-Jun-13 21:02:17

I am going to have to test him out and make sure that last night wasn't just a one-off - purely in a spirit of scientific enquiry, you understand.

KinNora Mon 03-Jun-13 21:05:54

That's commendable dedication to the scientific cause OWW.

Dunno Flipper I'm not on PoF, no corresponding movement on okc though.

T2710 Mon 03-Jun-13 21:25:39

I've had less today to be honest flipper. I have had days when I've had a lot and I think that's been because my pic has been at the bottom on the main page so perhaps that's why?

Well I asked about the date, no issues, likely on Sunday. :0) I only needed to know as child care is proving difficult at the moment with pain in the arse ex so I need to know what I'm doing in advance.

T2710 Mon 03-Jun-13 21:26:45

(Also I'm sure you've realised but I changed my name from toni2710 to t2710-just a bit more private but still completely uninspired unfortunately)

48howdidthathappen Mon 03-Jun-13 22:41:45

Hi all.

I loved Scotland. I love Mr R&R smile

We spent alot of time day dreaming about moving to Scotland. Happy days.

48 that's so lovely grin. How long have you and R&R been together now?

Snapespeare Mon 03-Jun-13 23:25:57

Brief bread dash as I am literally shagged out blush

oww I hope you're feeling a little brighter? Absolutely get what you're saying with regard to next-morning-doom & good-girls. Sensibly speaking, we know it's guff. It's 100% ok to do it like a itch scratch and when the emotional stuff gets added, I personally think it level-ups a bit. That's not to say that people can't have incredible, fulfilling sexual connections on a compatible genitalia level, but it's ok to want the swoon. smile. The emotional stuff will flow, or it won't. He's doing everything right, just see how it evolves and enjoy what it is. smile

juliette ahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaahhahaahhahaahh!! grin

Ohh, kirsty sad onwards. I know it's tiresome, sometimes you just need to hoist that bosom and stare it out. You won't be fine, sweetie. you'll be awesome. smile

bant we've been dumped by Matt smith. <weeps>

48 ahhhw! smile

Holiday very almost booked. V excited.

<thread wave>

hi guys, thought i would check in and let you know whats happening. met up with mr online for coffee 3 weeks ago friday, then again the following thursday, and for lunch on the friday. since then we have been for dinner, and to the cinema, and he spent the day with me on sunday, met the kids who have al given a large seal of approval (even the tough to please 14 year old who likes to look after his mum), came to sainsburys with me, then came back, spent the afternoon and had tea with us. he went back to work today for 4 days so i wont see him until friday, but am really happy so far. it feels like so much longer since we met, but it truly is only 3 weeks. we have a lot in common which is good, and can talk about almost anything. he is only 2 inches taller than me, but doesnt mind at all when i wear 5 inch heels and tower over him. taking things slowly is proving difficult, but have managed so far, have not slept with him yet so thats a record. he is perfectly happy to wait until i am ready smile

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 01:33:23

cherry all sounds great .. I dropped TheBoy a whatsapp .. Been chatting all night he is so funny .. I realised when thinking back on the treadmill that rocky had no chat but he was gorgeous .. He also kept referring to my vagina when we dtd .. 'Your vagina is so sensitive' 'your vagina is so powerful' etch etc .. The vagina monologue indeed

Anyway meeting TheBoy for a drink after work on Friday .. Onwards and upwards and all that

KinNora Tue 04-Jun-13 06:58:04

Quick hello to everyone,
Kirsty - 'your vagina is so powerful' - seriously ? That would make me laugh out loud, also while I'm a huge fan of proper anatomical terminology, I'm not convinced it works it that context - ' I must warn you that I'm going to stimulate you until I cause your levator ani to contract repeatedly ' - 'ooooh baby'

Have a good day groovy daters.

MirandaWest Tue 04-Jun-13 08:41:28

I would start giggling if my vagina were being talked about....

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 08:44:25

I'm afraid I have to return my Jezebel badge, it seems I fraudulently accepted. Will not be seeing Bubbles again. Apparently 'the sex didn't work for him' sad

At least I know, I suppose

Pleased for you Kirsty, that you've found such an immediate distraction!

And that things are you going well for you cherry

ike1 Tue 04-Jun-13 09:16:26

Had the complete low down on all Mr Beards' health diagnoses last night....head to one side ...doing Kin's 'really? That's no way to live....'

mercury7 Tue 04-Jun-13 09:24:21

Secret, he sounds unkind and tactless angry

I'd never say that to a man, even though it has often been the case, if pushed I would say that the chemistry didnt feel right, and really I think often if the sex doesnt work it's because you're just not compatible in that way.

Djangounhinged Tue 04-Jun-13 09:49:08

Morning all,

Kirsty I'm glad TheBoy is on hand to take your mind off vagina monologue man - sounds like your treadmill epiphany helped too smile

Secret, sounds like you're better off without that one sad, sorry he turned out to be a shite.

As for those of you getting some serious sexy time, I am jealous! (Oh and 48 you brought the sun to Scotland with you too, thank you grin)

My joiner got back in touch on Sunday so we have been messaging away for last couple of days.... He says he wants to take me out on a date but hasn't actually set a day/time yet.... The banter is v flirty and I'm loving it, but leads me to think he is just looking for a shag n run.... Much as I'd love some (he looks v cute from his pic), I've decided to pull right back and see if he chases me for that first meet. Then we'll see! I am channelling insouciance.... Well, trying to wink

Secret so now he says that. I bet he wasn't giving that impression at the time hmm. Even if that was the case, and my gut tells me it wasn't what sort of man says something like that? My first thought is that he has some serious ishoos and somehow gets off on being cruel. Knob.

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 10:18:19

Secret - you get to keep the badge, but you should let him know he's earned a 3 star FuckMonkey sticker.

What a tosser. The 'sex didn't work for him'?


Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 10:37:20

I wish I could be so certain of his 'fuckmonkey' grading (thanks Bant that made me laugh!).

It's almost like I want to take the blame - and accept I am rubbish in bed, after all it's not the first time it's been said - rather than admit I got it wrong when judging his character. As if my intelligence/insight are more important to protect - I thought he was on the level, therefore he must have been ergo he must be right

Not sure that makes sense, and probably far too much

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 10:42:32

Oops! on my part. I tried, it failed, move on!

And in that mode, I've been to buy my euros for next week's holiday!

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 10:46:45

And again, the word over thinking is missing at the start blush

mercury7 Tue 04-Jun-13 10:50:35

Secret, you are not rubbish in bed....he just wasnt the right person to make you feel comfortable and relaxed.

Sometimes people can bring out the best in each other, other times people just dont gel.
Some people find it harder to feel relaxed and uninhibited, that doesnt make them rubbish in bed

Snapespeare Tue 04-Jun-13 10:55:59

secret i am actually aghast! what a fucking prize he is! he's projecting his inadequacies on to you. bell-end badge, highest possible A* grade. angry angry angry angry angry angry

Secret don't give him any more of your headspace. I really think this is about him, not you. As for your mistaking him for a decent human, knobs and screwed up little men don't have it written large, they put on an act, even to themselves angry

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 11:03:35

Secret - it's very rare, in my experience, for sex with someone to be absolutely amazingly out of this world when you don't know them very well.

I think some people are more or less inhibited and repressed, which makes them bad lovers for people who are on a different level. Once you know someone's level and have an emotional bond it makes things better. I've had times when the first time was only okay, but the second time was incredible. You really can't judge whether someone is good or bad when you've just met them. This is about him trying to blame his inadequacies, of whatever sort, on you.

You can, however, judge whether someone is a knobend. He is. Don't give him headspace, just accept he's a prick and move on.

This is about him trying to blame his inadequacies, of whatever sort, on you. This.

and this he's projecting his inadequacies on to you

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 11:36:22

Been with Mr R&R about 5 months Juliette Had a few downs. Plenty of ups grin

Secret Sex to me is a journey. I was with my ex for over 25 years. Our sex life was better at the end than at the start.
You are well rid. Undeserving wanker.

mercury7 Tue 04-Jun-13 11:37:49

re his character Secret, if he was a nice guy he'd never have said anything so unkind.

Mind you it may that women are more likely to be careful with a mans ego in this respect than vice versa?

There were times when I could have justifiably said 'frankly my dear you were rubbish'
It's not as if I knew them well enough to care to much about hurting them, I'd no intention of seeing them again so it's not as if they'd get the chance to be cruel back.

And yet I still couldnt bring myself to say something so wounding confused

I've just been running through some 'first times'. Everyone has people they'd forgotten about right? Also normal to have forgotten about different continents/countries phases in your life, yes? blush

mercury7 Tue 04-Jun-13 12:08:05

well certainly some people were more memorable than others! grin

OhWesternWind Tue 04-Jun-13 12:22:11

SS agree totally with what everyone else has said. What a wazzock. Please don't let this dent your confidence in any way at all, you are worth way, way more than this kind of treatment. Horrible man.

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 12:28:01

Juliette I wish there were enough to forget any grin

Thank you all for taking the time to reassure me. I am pathetically grateful. And, I'm a bit embarrassed at causing Snape so much anger! flowers

It's my own fault, I appear to be far more naive than I'd ever realised. There were a few things over the weekend that I prickled at - not in a good way - but dismissed as my me being too sensitive. Maybe I'm just to keen to prove to myself I'm something that I'm not, or - even worse - too desperate to have a man in my life blush

But that's it now. Headspace cleared - you lot plus sister cannot all be wrong. He is a knob. I am well rid. I will move on!

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 12:35:45

Too keen, obviously.

OhWesternWind Tue 04-Jun-13 12:43:48

SS I think I am really naive too, worry about my judgement and my willingness to give people (not just men!) the benefit of the doubt. And I know just what you mean with the bit about proving yourself to be something else. I want to be all insouciant about sex, able to have fun wtihout getting all emotionally tangled up, but really I'm not like that, not sure that I am comfortable with even trying to be that kind of person, so after this one (which I'm assuming is not really going anywhere) I am going to get back to normal boring unsexy OWW. I want a man, and I want to have sex, but I think for me I'm going to try to build up a proper relationship first. (But it can be so tempting sometimes . . . difficult to know what to do).

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 12:55:13

I have lived in the same area all my life. I have possibly walked past men I have shagged with no recollection at all blush grin

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 13:02:50

Just got a text. Would I consider being platonic friends. He likes how I think and wants me to teach how to bake!

Answers, please...

Djangounhinged Tue 04-Jun-13 13:07:06

SS and OWW, I feel exactly the same. I quite envy people who are good at NSA and FWB, and up til the weekend I thought this was what I wanted and could handle too. But it's not me, I invest way too soon with men and if/when I sleep with them then I am already way more emotionally involved than I have admitted to myself....

Was about to agree to all sorts of things with cute joiner last night, ahead of ever meeting him, because I wanted to keep his interest. And because I'd really love some hot sex, it has been a while....

Caught myself just in time for once, and read a bit of "Why men love bitches...." I know there's a lot of crap in there, but it helped me to remember that I am the prize.... Even if I don't believe it, I'm trying to fake it til I make it..... Sorry, I am a walking cliche today!

Djangounhinged Tue 04-Jun-13 13:10:09

Secret, friends??! He hasn't exactly shown himself to very friend,u so far, I bet he is crap at baking too. Who needs friends like that?

Djangounhinged Tue 04-Jun-13 13:10:53


OhWesternWind Tue 04-Jun-13 13:11:37

SS I'd just ignore him. A cutting response is very tempting, but don't even give him the time and headspace it would take to think of one. What a tit.

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 13:12:08

Secret Tell him you haven't the time, you are too busy cooking up something someone hot grin

MirandaWest Tue 04-Jun-13 13:19:05

I'd ignore him Secret. He isn't worth a response I don't think.

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 13:21:22

Probably best to ignore. I couldn't resist it myself.

Secretservice Tue 04-Jun-13 13:22:36

I thought I could maybe reply he could find baking tutorials on t'internet, where he obviously learnt his sexual attitudes. grin

But silence is probably best.

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 14:06:45

Personally I'd be very tempted to respond

Thanks, but no. I'm afraid your personality didn't work for me.

mercury7 Tue 04-Jun-13 15:28:40

Secret, he insults you and then asks to be your friend wtf
sounds like he thought you might try and win him over after he brushed you off?
Up to you but I think he deserves a put down

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 15:31:00

I'd go with bant's response .. Brilliant!

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 15:34:53

Maybe. 'You like how I think. I like a man THAT thinks'.

KinNora Tue 04-Jun-13 15:38:57

Secret, is he a professional tit ? Because if he isn't, he's in the wrong career.

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 15:50:50

nora I may have to steal that one grin

Fuck him, I would go with what Bant said.

ike1 Tue 04-Jun-13 16:52:32

Secret I find the whole idea of being 'good at sex' very odd....its like being 'good at eating' is a basic function of the human race really....

T2710 Tue 04-Jun-13 17:22:59

Argh secret that has really annoyed me so goodness knows how you feel. What the hell gives him the right to say something like that? I'm fast losing faith in OD. I love Bants suggestion and I would totally reply with that!!

Snapespeare Tue 04-Jun-13 18:29:57

I endorse the bant approach... Alternatively, fuck him up.

' I can't be friends with you. My baked goods are not worthy of your magnificence, I can not sleep. I can not eat. My darling, being with you is why I was born. I think of you the moment I wake up. You are my last thought when I finally drift into fitful, exhausted sleep. I yearn, I perish, I pine...

Actually, no. Wait! You're a twat. Happy to help.'

Snapespeare Tue 04-Jun-13 18:32:56

Oh. Just booked my holiday with my boyfriend Eep.

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 18:41:01

Eep indeed. And also yay

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 18:43:40

Oh fuckety fuck. Just realised I have a date with the translator in an hour...

And with Cheshire Cat tomorrow night

Hi all

Sorry to jump back on thread after a few weeks away with a self absorbed post, but here goes....

Have been on a bit of a rollercoaster, was seeing MrAttractive for the last month, had 7 dates, including 3 of those being weekenders / overnights etc. Anyway, short version, I really liked him, thought he really liked me, couldn't quite believe my luck at having met such a great person after only a month or so online. Some of the time we spent together seemed really magical, for both of us, but neither of us were talking about love or anything. But just very lovely being together. Last night I was dumped sad.

Have been trying to be brave today, and see it all from positive perspective etc, but the tears have arrived, and tbh I am a bit heartbroken sad. Absolutely gutted. Back to my lonely unloved life with no affection, sex, male company, or new experiences. I feel utterly hurt and bemused and could cry for hours (I never cry). sad

KinNora Tue 04-Jun-13 20:09:03

Oh I'm sorry Hey that's awful, did he say why ?

T2710 Tue 04-Jun-13 20:20:04

That's absolutely awful, what's wrong with people at the minute. Poor you. What did he say?

Well, I'd been feeling a nagging doubt growing while we were apart (although times together were always great), and so I told myself it was just me overthinking / fretting. Anyway, he was quite dismissive in a text last night, so I texted to say (paraphrased) 'what's going on, are you backing off', and got a long reply saying (paraphrased) 'it was great to start with, we were so close, but the feelings have changed for me over last few days, sorry to hurt you'. <wails> sad

I dared to believe that maybe relationships weren't all bullshit and lies after the train wreck end of my long marriage, but no, apparently I was fucking bang on. <smashes head against wall>.

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 20:34:49

hey sorry to hear that .. Sending you a hug

bant loo update please

snape go you and your boyfriend!!

I am now Facebook friends with TheBoy .. He looks about 14 .. Hope he looks more manly in person on Friday !!

OhWesternWind Tue 04-Jun-13 20:36:12

Hey was thinking about you recently. What a horrible thing to happen, especially out of the blue like that. So sorry. It can be awful when you are starting to have a few hopes and dreams, even if you've not spoken about them, and then like you say it's a shock to find yourself back where you were.

Crying is probably the best thing for it.

Loads of hugs, sweetheart.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 04-Jun-13 20:36:27

Hugs to Hey I am so sorry. It is going to hurt for a bit, but thank goodness it wasn't longer.

Some people are so flakey when it comes to dating. He'll be back, mark my words.


Thanks t Kirsty OWW and WFF, funny how internet hugs do actually make you feel better <weak smile>

I think I will go back on POF again in a few weeks, but not yet, as I just spent about 10 minutes on there sobbing, thinking 'i don't want this, I want MrAttractive'. Fucking hell.

Sorry to be so self indulgent, and sorry to see that times are a bit pants for several of us on here at the mo. x

KinNora Tue 04-Jun-13 20:50:00

Hey don't be fretting thinking you're being self indulgent, what makes it really hard is that it can take such an effort to allow yourself to trust and be open with someone again but you've been brave enough to do that. There will be more and better, have a little while being gentle with yourself. And a big hug and wine

Djangounhinged Tue 04-Jun-13 20:58:46

Hey, sorry to hear that sad, have a hug from me too. I agree with others that a good cry is the way forward for now - better out than in. And yes, POF will be there for you when you're ready, and will live up to its name x

Thanks Kin and Django. All this kindness of strangers has inspired me to go and actually eat something, as all I've managed all day is a spoonful of porridge and a croissant. Chin up, tits out <after a few more days of sobbing and wistful staring at my mobile>.

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 21:04:45

Maybe I am just a hardened cynic hey but I just think that the thing I have learned from OD is that there are indeed plenty more where the last one came from .. And so I don't get too bothered if things don't work out

KinNora Tue 04-Jun-13 21:12:25

Nae problem, Hey , I've been there, chuck x

I see what you are saying Kirsty, this has been my first experience of forming an actual relationship from an OD, and he was only the 3rd bloke I'd actually dated at all. This will definitely have hardened me up a bit for if/when I meet someone else again that I deem worthy to take into my bedroom smile

OhWesternWind Tue 04-Jun-13 21:27:06

You will meet someone else when you're ready Hey but just for now take your time and don't push yourself into starting looking again until you feel it's the right time.

Even if nothing else, it's shown you that despite the horrible stuff with your ex, you are still able to be open and honest and loving with someone, and those things will stand you in very good stead when you meet a better type of man.

48howdidthathappen Tue 04-Jun-13 21:57:34

Oh Hey I am sorry. Sounds like you are bouncing back smile

Go you Snape grin I feel so much closer to Mr R&R since our holiday. Time to really get to know each other.

Thanks OWW, yes am trying to spin it positively that I could do all the open, honest and loving thing, rather than it being a sign that I am just doing everything wrong.

Trouble is, I don't think he was a bad sort of man, just that something indefinable I did turned his affectionate feelings into 'meh', which is never a self esteem boosting place to be in. Oh well.

lubeytoobooby Tue 04-Jun-13 22:04:24

Hello hey. I can promise you will feel better soon and there will be someone else just as good or better before long. Likely in different ways, but I find the good ones just keep getting better wink

Thanks Lubey, I hope I will experience the same smile

Hey I'm sorry this has happened. There is no reason whatsoever to think it was something you did to 'turn his feelings to meh'. It could be anything, it doesn't even have to be something.

You did have a good time together, it will be difficult to see the positives now but it will pass. Meanwhile you are allowed to wallow a bit, cry lots and do whatever gets you through it (((hugs)))

Secret "Thanks, but no. Neither your cock nor your personality worked for me"

Snape Yay for holidays! you two are so sitting in an olive tree grin

I felt a bit sad and also a bit proud as I dropped DS off for his last exam and last ever school day. It only seems like a couple of years ago I took his photo as I walked him to his first day at school.

Two sleeps! Two! grin grin grin

Kirstywirsty Tue 04-Jun-13 23:32:33

Yay juliette

Bant Tue 04-Jun-13 23:45:46

Un-banty-like hugs from me too. Sorry about the bloke, don't feel like you did anything wrong, sometimes things just don't work, for whatever reason.

Humph. Translator cancelled due to tiredness. I met another mutual friend tonight though who told me she dumped the Dane. I think she has too much going on in life to focus on something new, or she's playing hard to get way too hard.

Either way, I'm not going to pursue, no matter how nice she was at the zoo. Cancelling two dates in a row just isn't on.

Tomorrow, a meal with CheshireCat. She just seems remarkably lovely.

And ridiculously goodlooking. If I wasn't so cynical, this is someone I could fall hard for.

Flipper924 Wed 05-Jun-13 01:15:25

Aww, so pleased for you and your boyfriend, Snape.

Enjoy CheshireCat, Bant. I have a good feeling about this.

Juliette, I'm up ridiculously late, so by the time you read this, it will be only one more sleep!

Hey, hugs. It always hurts like mad at this point, but it will get better.

Hi to everyone else, only skimmed the last couple of pages, so will have missed lots, sorry.

48howdidthathappen Wed 05-Jun-13 07:21:57

Hardly slept all night. Surprising how quickly I have got used to sharing a bed.

Damn it!

twoonefive Wed 05-Jun-13 07:24:06

Hey I'm so sorry. Being personality twins I do so much get how you must be feeling. I would be in a lake of tears by now. Just hold onto the fact it's not you, and that it's (slightly) better to know now rather than after 3 or 6 months. I won't say anything about loads of better men out there etc because I never believe all that stuff when people tell me. But you won't always feel like this, your tears will dry and it will, somehow, get better smile

If its any consolation when I (inevitably) get dumped by C, I will cry for months weeks.

Not much to report from me. Haven't heard from C for a week (though this is not unusual), bit of flirtation going on with manager at the client firm I'm working for, somewhat inadvisable because he is old enough to be my dad, he is a client, and lots of other reasons, but it is making me smile (especially that he tells everyone how amazing I am, and tells me he never wants me to leave their office etc!). Oh, and the 23 year old (who has now finished his training and is a policeman) wants to show me his uniform and probably some other stuff besides but I am holding him at arms length because it's only sex and that's not what I want.

I have had a lightbulb moment in realising pretty much every bloke I dated, and liked (most of them) and then got rejected by after the first date (all of them) had Exs who don't work, and never had (not since DC anyway). Guess it may explain why they found me so difficult to cope with.

The only exception to that is C, whose most recent Ex had a better job than me.

velvetspoon Wed 05-Jun-13 07:57:14

Sorry the above is me. Namechanged to post something elsewhere (because I didn't want to be identified!!) And forgot to change back blush.

I really am a complete idiot. Sorry.

<Waves to rest of thread> which I rudely forgot to do earlier.

More blush

Kirstywirsty Wed 05-Jun-13 08:55:04

I recognised you anyway velvet

Secretservice Wed 05-Jun-13 09:01:16

I thought I'd posted on here last night - a long, warm thank you hug of a post, with lots if comisserations for Hey- but apparently not blush

I decided not to answer cock-for-brain, I was really tempted to use Bant's suggestion, with. Couple of expletives thrown in, but I suspect he would have 'I don't know why your angry, I didn't mean to upset you, just being honest' comeback, so would to have ignore at some point

Feeling much better today, going back over the Weekend's events, I've realised there was quite a lot wrong and odd. He was like two separate people: chatty, warm, witty, considerate until we got naked, when he quite quickly became the opposite of all those things. But reverted immediately. The bubbles in the park are probably the single most romantic thing I've ever done and I think I just wanted to wish the rest away.

Velvet have you seen C since he came back off holiday?

One sleep Juliette!!! How's your back holding up?

Scattylatte Wed 05-Jun-13 09:43:44

Morning everyone

ss Im glad you are feeling better. What he said was cruel and not worth a response. Condescending idiot, he thinks you would want him as a friend??? Do one matey. I think he will be back as well.

hey I'm sorry. It's horrible, especially when it's so unexpected. How are you today?

velvet I knew it was you as well. Great to 'see' you.

Have a good date bant and oww how are you?

I'm good in general peppered by emotional days and some wobbly days. Fireman and I are still plodding on. Thankfully we haven't talked about the future as I don't feel I can at the moment. We are very romantic together and see each other twice a week or so. I go through real stages of insecurity whereby I start thinking he wants to finish with me because I have a tendency to catastophize things somewhat. I tell him about my insecurities and he reassures me but then I start worrying that he can only take so much! Please tell me to bang my head against a wall.

Scattylatte Wed 05-Jun-13 09:44:37

And juliette and others who are having a great time...brilliant xx

velvetspoon Wed 05-Jun-13 10:03:53

I thought everyone probably would recognise me anyway! I am useless at being incognito..!

scatty so pleased things are better for you. I don't think the fireman is going anywhere so try not to worry - though I can understand why you would. But honestly I think it will be ok and you've found a good one smile

secret sorry about that guy being such an arse. Good though you can now see a few things that were a bit 'off'. And no, not seen C since before his hols, which again is not that unusual. Might see him friday, but not getting my hopes up too much...

OhWesternWind Wed 05-Jun-13 13:20:25

Hi Scatty - I think all sounds good with the fireman. It's been a fair while now hasn't it! Looks like you've found a good 'un and the other stuff is the anxiety talking, nothing to do with what he's really thinking. When you last posted, all the signs were good then so it looks like it's all going well. Really happy for you.

I recognised you too Velvet! Glad things are a feeling brighter, and hoping that C sorts out something to see you soon. Sounds like the lad wants to show you his truncheon . . .

Well, things here are okay. Feeling increasingly ambivalent about last weekend's man. He'd offered to come round and do some work on my house for me but I've texted him and said it's not convenient (in a nice way) and should we go out one night over the weekend instead. I think I want to see him again somewhere where we are not just going to end up in bed to see if there is/could be something there or not as I'm really not sure. Great sex by itself isn't enough and it's actually made me feel quite low.

The man I liked off Match who asked me for coffee and then disappeared has reappeared to say his subscription is up and here's his e-mail so I can keep in touch and go out some time. There is also one I really like but who lives too far away, nothing to be done there, and a couple of others that are possiblities including a nice-sounding ginger bloke who I am quite tempted by.

Worried I am getting the sweet trolley mentality here, though. Do you think I am, honestly, or am I just not wanting to settle for something that doesn't feel quite right? How do I know the difference especially in the early days?

Bant Wed 05-Jun-13 18:50:42

Wish me luck

OhWesternWind Wed 05-Jun-13 19:00:07

Bonne chance, mon ami! (Closest I can get to Hungarian). Loo update essential!

Ah, thanks for the hugs everyone on page 13! (too many to name check), it really does help, and I'm a bit touched smile

I'm feeling better today than yesterday, only 2 brief tearful moments, rather than the sob fest of yesterday. And I know that every day I will feel that little bit better, and then he will just become a story I tell. Still hurts though, and I miss him. Wish I had had more explanation, but I deleted his number as soon as it went wrong. I did send him a message on POF but he's not been back on since his pre-dump visit (that sounds wrong), so he's not seen it. It's just so hard sharing lots of really intimate, emotional time with someone and then just have it stopped with no reason. sad Oh, am feeling a bit shit again now!

Have been back on POF today, chatting rather manically with about 5 different people. Displacement activity, I know it's not particularly healthy, but is a distraction.

I can just feel that this incident with MrAttractive has stolen away yet another piece of my faith in 'relationships', and made me that little bit harder and more cynical. I almost feel like I just want to go out there and shag loads of randoms in some sort of revenge act, but who the hell would I be hurting other than myself?

Anyway, enough about me. Am chuffed that Dutchy is still going well Jules,

Very pleased to see you back on here personality twin Velve smile you clearly have a few well deserved admirers at the mo

Bant, hope Cheshire Cat goes well, she sounds lovely and much less hard work than the Translator. Oh, I thought of you and OWW during the highlight of my day, when I asked my 3 year old what music she wanted to listen to in the car. Was expecting 'Moshi Monsters' but got 'The Femmes, Blister in the Sun'. smile

OWW I totally get you about feeling sad about the sex thing, so sending hugs

Scatty hope things go ok with the fireman, don't want to be the voice of doom, but it sounds just like me and MrAttractive, and I am glad that I asked him if things were ok (which they weren't), otherwise I think we'd still be together, but heading for doom. Well done on not replying

secret, dignity in silence always best <ignores emails sent to MrAttractive>

thanks for the hugs flipper. Sorry if i've missed anyone.

Fuck me that's a giant post [shame] sorry!

TigsytheTiger Wed 05-Jun-13 20:29:41

well, sorry long time no post and now i'm afraid to say that it's over between me and Mr EA, 10 months later, 4 weeks before we are due to move in with each other, he has had a change of mind. We had a disagreement last night, he huffed off this morning and didn't come back to mine and when I called him told me he didn't want to move in with me. Totally shell shocked, now left with a house sale going through and needing to find somewhere for me, 2 kids and a dog to move to, and on day 3 of my new job....... life fucking stinks at times sad

<Waves at thread>

Good luck Bant, loo update obvs.

OWW I don't think it's sweet trolley, the only thing I would say is that you threw yourself into OD right after LM, your default is kind of to do OD as a distraction maybe. Nothing wrong at all with checking out the trolley, maybe just pace yourself so that you give yourself a chance to recognise a great flavour when it hits you grin

Hey just a couple of teary moments today is very good going! It will pass, don't let it put you off relationships. If it's not good, you don't do it so by that logic although it may take a while, you will have a good relationship smile

One sleep! I should be packing, instead I'm on here. Have just caved and decided to pay to shove luggage in the the hold thus not having to make any more packing decisions. It's the shoes... blush. Wedge heels, flats, converse, flipflopy sandals plus trainers. Totes reasonable imo. It will scare Dutchy though grin

God Tigsy, that is bloody awful, I am so sorry sad

All is reasonable wrt shoes Juliette <gavel>

Oh Tigsy I'm so sorry, what a bombshell. Better to know now and all that but the timing is terrible. How dare he let it get this far before saying something. You've been through worse, you will survive and maybe once the shock wears off you may be able to think about what you'd like to do on your own terms. Meanwhile (((((hugs)))))

MirandaWest Wed 05-Jun-13 20:49:34

Tigsy am really sorry sad

KinNora Wed 05-Jun-13 20:49:36

Bloody hell Tigsy , that's awful, I'm so sorry. Life does stink to high heaven sometimes. Big hug, chuck. x

AndLibbyMakesThree Wed 05-Jun-13 20:56:13

Tigsy, I'm so sorry. I was just thinking about you earlier this evening and wondering how you were getting on. You must be so shocked and so worried about what you're going to do. Is there any chance he might just have said that in the aftermath of the argument? Were things ok until yesterday as far as you knew?

Sending you big hugs.

OhWesternWind Wed 05-Jun-13 20:58:09

Tigsy oh god I am so very, very sorry. What a nightmare for you. Sweetheart, how are you doing? Have you got someone to come round and just be with you and look after you a bit? You must just be just numb at the moment from such a bombshell but you know where I am if you want to talk.

Please keep posting on here - it brought me a lot of comfort to have the support of my lovely friends on here, you included, and I hope it will help you too.

Sending you lots of hugs and really heartfelt sympathy. Xxx

TigsytheTiger Wed 05-Jun-13 21:09:47

it's shit! I thought it was okay, but obviously not, one argument doesn't make you want to cancel all your future plans ........ cold feet, but his timing is a nightmare! just want to cry lots and not see anyone, but tomorrow got to plaster on a smile for day 4 of my new job, oh and find somewhere to live. He couldn't even have the guts to speak to me face to face, he just didn't turn up here and it was a telephone call. coward!

OhWesternWind Wed 05-Jun-13 21:23:06

Bloody hell Tigsy that is a carbon copy of the chicken shit stuff I had with LM at the end, not turning up and then a cowardly phone call. It helped, later, to realise how pathetic and yellow he was.

So sorry this had happened. And very difficult with the new job too. Will you have time in your lunch hour to set up some appointments with letting agents? Sorting out the practicalities will be hard but it will give you a focus and you'll feel so much better once it's done.

Just concentrate on what you've got to do to get through the next few awful days. Please get as much help as you can from the people around you, think about telling your boss what's happened so s/he will understand if you are a little distracted, and don't expect too much from yourself. So very sorry.

KinNora Wed 05-Jun-13 21:24:47

Well that's really rather pathetic of him then Tigsy. It's very hard to say anything comforting I know, because nothing really helps ease the shock and the pain but we all understand.

Winefiend Wed 05-Jun-13 21:26:03

Oh tigsy, what an utterly spineless knobhead. In a way, at least you have work to sort of keep you going and distracted. Still stinks though sad

hey you poor thing too, it sounds like you're doing well so far though - just don't be giving him the satisfaction of emailing him again. Step away from the keyboard (and into the fridge/cupboard/offy/whatever makes you feel that wee bit better).

juliette jesus you must be fit to burst with excitement by now grin

Hello others!

I am still reeeeeeeeet busy. Have someone coming to view my spare room on Sunday so hopefully she is not mental or has a strong aversion to pissed up Glaswegians making potato waffle sandwiches at 4am Yet another uni project to plough through. Yet another one I have left to the last minute. New QOTSA is getting me through grin. Work is wank, having second thoughts about staying there as it is becoming clear their ethics are only slightly short of repulsive where staff are concerned (but hopefully something else on the horizon). Pretty much on the sofa too. I am actually still enjoying it, it is weirdly.....freeing? If that makes any sense.

Winefiend Wed 05-Jun-13 21:27:14

Wise words from oww up there, tigsy

Moanranger Wed 05-Jun-13 21:30:36

Have been unable to post due to evil git STBXH cancelling broadband. Am now on line via iPhone link via personal hotspot.
Re my previous meltdown, where one inner 15 year old emerged: complete nonsense - moral of story - IGNORE INNER 15 YEAR OLD!!
Meet Up guy took me out night bird watching ( listening, actually) - totally romantic - listening all alone in silence while western skies go pink & then black - much kissing!
Thank you KN for words of wisdom - his XP totally not a threat, but whose to know early on in a relationship? We are now in a blissed out endorphin/oxytocin induced state of euphoria. Both agree this is the best sex either of us have had for years! Who would have thunk STBXH arsiness would have lead to this. Have I/we found soulmates? Watch this space...

TigsytheTiger Wed 05-Jun-13 21:37:43

I've got a wardrobe of his clothes, his shoes, his toiletries, bike stuff the lot all around my house ...... and a holiday booked in August that I have just paid the balance for (oh the irony, with money from the sale of my old wedding ring) <<hollow laugh>>

Trying not to cry as puffy face at work will not be a good look, but the tears keep welling up, my mum and dad go on holiday tomorrow too, just seems everything has fallen apart in a matter of hours.

I want to phone him, but if he wanted to speak to me, he would call, wouldn't he?

OhWesternWind Wed 05-Jun-13 22:00:25

Try not to call tonight, give yourself a bit of time and space to process things and let them settle. He'll need to get in touch at some point - take your time to think through what you want to do and don't be afraid to put him off until another time if you're not ready to talk.

Have a good cry, holding it in will just make it feel worse.

Have you told your parents?

Flipper924 Wed 05-Jun-13 22:05:24

Tigsy, love, I don't know what to say. It's shitty. I guess that yes, if he wanted to speak to you he'd call, but it's hard to say without knowing exactly how your last conversation went. You're right though, reading your post what struck me is that you don't throw a relationship way because of a single row, especially at a time when everyone's stressed anyway.

Where's Bant's loo update?

48howdidthathappen Wed 05-Jun-13 22:06:28

Oh Tigsty What a shock. I am so very sorry. Life can be fucking shite!

Personally I wouldn't call tonight. Although sitting on your hands is never easy.

KinNora Wed 05-Jun-13 22:17:39

Tigsy, no don't call. Do you think doing the big draft email trick might help ? Writing everything down, letting it all spew out, saying things that you would only admit to yourself but not sending it. This is what I did, and still do, it saves me contacting him and the rejection feeling even more acute.

Bant Wed 05-Jun-13 22:31:47

Hi all. Belated loo update, actually on a sofa in a ruin pub. Date finished an hour or so ago.

Firstly, sorry tigsy, I can't add anything better than oww did above. And continued hugs to hey. And I'm so pleased my DC don't ask for the moshi monsters song or the femmes. Getting them addicted to smashing Pumpkins already caused a ruction with the ex.

So. CheshireCat is lovely, sweet, clever and very attractive. 2 hours chat over dinner (she was late but texted), I made her laugh a bit and she did likewise. Walked her home, was looking for an opportunity to link arms or something but none. Went for a kiss and she deftly (as last time) turned it to a cheek kiss.

I'm confused. Lots of eye contact, a bit of mutual soul-baring (tho not too much) and she was making positive noises but non committal about another date.

She seems to like me. I'd like her to. I quite like her.

Guess ill find out more later

Sending you hugs Tigsy, I really feel for you and what bloody awful timing re your new job. Is it possible to talk to your new boss do you think?

Sounds quite good Bant, could the kissing thing be cultural? there was no kissing on my date 2 with MrA but by date 4 it was a weekend thing.

Talking of which, have just had a text about returning something to me. I then replied at how sad I was to have been dumped, and he has replied saying that he didn't dump me, but was just expressing that his feelings had changed, but not that he didn't want to stop seeing me. OMFG.

What do I do with this now? Because no doubt he will be damn sure wanting to dump me now. God I have utterly fucked it all up and just feel so sick sad

Tigsy no I wouldn't call. He has to call at some point about his stuff and meanwhile every hour that goes by without him calling, knowing you are up the creek without a paddle now, puts him in a worse light for doing it all like this.

Was the new house somewhere you were buying together? I can't remember if you'd exchanged contracts already on your place. If you haven't, you can still pull out without any penalties - I had to do this once on the day the exchange was going to happen, there is still time if you want to stay. My heart goes out to you.

Bant maybe she's doing the euro out to dinner and no assumptions thing where it often ends in the cheek kiss until some moment where she jumps makes a move on you? Either way, she sounds like good company so lots of possibilities.

Hey wtaf? what are you supposed to do with that information. He gave every indication of dumping, isn't in touch, texts about stuff being returned and now denies it? You haven't fucked anything up at all, this is him being, I don't know, whatever. I'm all for being straight with people but there is a point when 'honesty' is so selfish its abusive. Could you simply ask him exactly what he meant? Unless it is what you want, you don't have to accept it all on his terms.

Bant Wed 05-Jun-13 23:27:54


You did NOT fuck this up. He did. There may be a way he can crawl back from the things he said, but you should tell him what he said, how you (obviously) took it and not accept the gaslighting

Well, he had sent me the dipping feelings text as a response to my text asking him whether he was backing off, which i read as 'you are dumped', so i replied 'ok. good luck with the future'. So maybe he read that as 'you are dumped'. Fuck me. I don't know what the fuck to make of any of it.


So either things are about to go a very happy way, or a very shit way. Or far more likely, a tentatively being dangled on a string way with outbursts of anxious happiness, followed by lots more hurt. SCREAM!

Hey so he thinks he can say stuff like that without any consequences, or he is thoughtless, or so wrapped up in himself that he is now 'surprised'. Clearly you can't be dangling, I would get this cleared up one way or another but decide what YOU want, because his crumbs would not be good enough, would they.

velvetspoon Wed 05-Jun-13 23:36:34

Tigsy that's awful I'm sorry. I agree with Kin's email suggestion, I always write out what it is I want to say, helps me get it all off my chest and onto paper, and to focus my thoughts a bit, there's something cathartic about it.

I do think, sorry, that if he could end it over an email then either he's not the person you thought he was and would have overreacted like this at some point eventually, or that he had actually made his mind up to end it already (for whatever stupid reason) and this row has just become an excuse to hide behind. There is a further possibility, which is that he's just overwhelmed with the moving in together stuff and that he still does want to be with you. But for me, unless he came to me of his own volition saying that, apologising for the hurt he's caused, and being quite clear he would and could never do it again, I don't know if I could forgive and go back to how things were. I think once someone behaves like this, and finishes things almost on a whim, it's incredibly hurtful and very difficult to get over. Will be thinking of you.

And just to endorse what Juliette says (with my lawyers hat on) pull out of the sale if need be, and if it's not past exchange, even if just to give you some breathing space and you put it back up for sale in a couple of months.

Hey shock. see, this is what I hate about texts, the potential for misunderstanding. So, when he said before (I'm probably paraphrasing) his feelings had changed, and he was sorry to hurt you, that he didn't mean 'I'm finishing it, sorry cos I know you will be upset' but more that his feelings were changing (deepening?) and he was sorry if you were upset by what you might have perceived as him backing off but wasn't?

Can you meet with him for a drink and discuss it? It does sound like possibly just a horrible misunderstanding. But I would be wary that he did initially mean it as it sounded, and he's now backtracking, but that's me being cynical (I am in that sort of mood, was actually half-hoping earlier C would text me and end it - I don't want him to, but I am fed up with the limbo, and in some ways would like to be put out of my misery. But I won't end it myself because I still like him lots, I just don't think he likes me...meh)

Velvet he did mean that his feelings were lessening, but more along the lines of 'yes, i am backing off a bit as i've been having a big wobble over the last few days, so i'm sorry to be hurting you by saying this'. i thought he meant 'sorry to be hurting you because this means I'm dumping you, you cah'. He is coming over tomorrow to discuss! But clearly he may just be coming to say, 'yes my feelings for you are less, what can we do about that' which is hardly ideal. I don't want to be left in a 'begging for scraps scenario. I keep having mad leaps of hope, but then, because of our twin like cynicism, am just thinking this is just a new way for the universe to kick me in the stomach. <vomits into bucket>

I so understand every bit of how you feel about C (sorry that sounds really presumptuous) and am sorry life is so bastard difficult x

WarmFuzzyFun Thu 06-Jun-13 00:15:06

Hi. sad Things are turning to shit aren't they?

Bloody hell Tigssadsad <WFF Sighs> You deserved better than that, and I thought he was better than that.

I am so fed up with (some) people's hot again/cold again shit. We all are terrified, we all don't want to mess up, but when you find someone you find attractive, have stuff in common with, and could see a future with, you need to man (woman) the fuck up and get on enjoy it.

Why is it so hard?

It's not been great in the world of WFF, I have decided to downgrade Lab from exclusive to just someone I am seeing due to his lack of consistent contact. To be fair, he has had issues, but I irrespective of that, something has changed qualitatively. He is still very lovely, but I don't see the point in being exclusive if I am not seeing him/in contact with him enough to make it feel worth my while. It may change when/if he gets a job in my town, but until then I do as I please.


Bit of a rant but honestly, I am actually angry on behalf of my OD family and the rubbish going ons.


Jules please carry the baton for OD thread, have a great time, give Dutchy as many kisses as you can manage envy smile

velvetspoon Thu 06-Jun-13 00:25:49

Hey I think all you can do is wait and see what he says, for me it helps (but is also a bit upsetting) to kind of rehearse the different scenarios in my head, so I can think about what I want to say, and also how I'd feel in each, and what might happen...I hope whatever happens tomorrow the outcome is good for you, regardless of what anyone else (including your personality twin!) might do or think.

I'm being a bit huffy and silly about C for a stupid reason, namely that I got a really good offer for something to do on Friday, but I don't know if I'm seeing him then, I'd text him before I saw it, don't want to text him again and suggest it because then I will be treble-texting. But for stupid offer I wouldn't be bothered that I'd not heard back, but now I'm feeling all peevish. I annoy myself sometimes!

SmallChangeBigDifference Thu 06-Jun-13 00:35:05

As I am not feeling the WFF I have name changed.

Velvet how about you go ahead and do the good offer and if he gets back to you can tell him you made other arrangements. Otherwise you be sitting about being all available and missing an interesting evening.

velvetspoon Thu 06-Jun-13 00:49:55

Juliette it's only an afternoon tea thing, I've been before with friends but I thought it'd be nice to do with him. Obvs it would be dependent on him being able to duck out early on Fri anyway. Just me and one of my silly pie in the sky romantic ideas!

And shouldn't you be in bed now getting some sleep in before your travels? smile

TigsytheTiger Thu 06-Jun-13 07:59:21

I did call him last night, I just needed to understand, it doesn't really make sense as things are so good between us. The argument came about because I am so stressed with all the other stuff, I got upset and he wasn't very comforting, he's a bit rabbit in headlights with tears, he thought I was having a go at him for not being appropriately sympathetic and not saying the right thing and it ended up being a night of not talking, me not accepting his attempt to apologise in the morning and him storming off. He thinks that this sort of thing happens too often and that he can't be the person I want him to be. nothing really sorted, he is coming over after work tonight but not sure what that really means. I did tell him he was a coward for running off and not telling me how he felt to my face. feel shit, tired and sick and it's not even a hangover!

Onwards and upwards as they say ....

Flipper924 Thu 06-Jun-13 08:06:27

All you can do is talk to him, Tigsy, and try to clear up any misunderstanding (same one's for you, too, Hey), but until then, use the time to think about what you want. Is he the man you want him to be? Do you want him o be something different?

Good luck o both of you.

Flipper924 Thu 06-Jun-13 08:06:38


KinNora Thu 06-Jun-13 08:08:53

Can't add anything to what Flipper said, you two look after yourselves.

Hello everyone, have a good day

OhWesternWind Thu 06-Jun-13 09:06:54

Hey - I would be really wary about this. Having been in a relationship a bit like this last year, which did me no good at all, I'd be very wary about this blowing hot and cold and saying that kind of thing to you. Hurtful and unnecessary. I think/hope if it were me, I'd leave it, as it's not going to get better and once people get away with this sort of thing once, they think they can get away with it again. I am determined never again to settle for the crumbs off anyone's table - it's the whole loaf or nothing.

Tigsy hope you can work something out but please bear in mind what Flipper said and think if he's the person that you want/need. Difficult to do sometimes in the panic of a relationship potentially finishing, but it's better to try and think about things clearly and decide whether you want to continue in light of what's happened. I know he's been very good and reassuring in the past with you so maybe this is just a blip?

Secretservice Thu 06-Jun-13 10:00:53

Hugs to Tigsy and Hey. Hope things for both of you turn out in whatever way suits you.

Bon voyage Juliette envy

Bant maybe Cheshire has just met a few too many of the type of ODers we've had in here recently and is therefore wary. She sounds definitely worth persevering with.

I've slipped back today, feeling a all woe-is-me. Not for Bubbles per se, he's just another piece of the pattern of my life: intelligent, witty men just don't want me. I make a good (or not) plaything for a while, but only ever a stop gap.

Bubbles and le disparu are cases in point, but there must have been another half a dozen others on the sites who I seemed to have a good, grown-up rapport with who didn't even make it to the date stage.

I have always been able to find and keep - but why? - men who have no further thought than their belly, their pints and the TV/music, and of course, their cocks.

Not sure where this is going, really blush sad but it all just seems a waste of time and hope.

ike1 Thu 06-Jun-13 10:27:42

Good friends and laughs is where its at ladies. Oh and just use the blokes for fun texting....much better. SS lovely girl...this feeling will pass I promise am so annoyed that fucker has got under your skin, though! And Tigsy...i dont know what to say...really....what the heck has got into him???

Kirstywirsty Thu 06-Jun-13 10:28:28

SS, tigsy and hey sending you hugs

bant I wouldn't be put off .. Have you arranged a 2nd date

Juliette have a fantastic time

Hi to everyone else .. Got drink with TheBoy tomorrow .. He said I can ID him after the barman does grin

mercury7 Thu 06-Jun-13 10:59:38

totally agree Ike, guys are just playthings,aint no point expecting any kind of rational grown up connection

Bant Thu 06-Jun-13 11:14:49

Service - sorry you're feeling woeish.

CheshireCat I met in RL, she's never done OD I think - but you still get the same problems with people you meet in the real world, it's just less intense compared to OD I think.

The more I'm going back over what she said last night, the more I think she's maybe not into me. There was eye contact and stuff, like I said, which was positive, but I mentioned seeing her again and she said she'd seen I was going to the next Expat thing, next week, and she'd be there. It was when I said I'd like to see her before then she was noncommittal.

So, is she pushing me towards the friend zone (I'd love to see you again, but not as a date) or is she being a little coy, or.... ?

It's all very nice dating a Hungarian, except I don't know the 'rules' here. British, American, French women are all a bit more upfront and generally let me know if they're into me or not - verbally or with body language. I can understand and accept if she's not into me - but trying to work it out is just doing my head in.

I'll ask her out for the beginning of next week, see what she says.

If 'no', then I'll see her and chat to her at the next Expat thing, flirt a bit with someone else and see if that makes her jealous enough to get possessive. That's probably the best way to work it out.

Kirstywirsty Thu 06-Jun-13 11:19:49

mercury and ike I am with you but maybe we're just cynical ??

OhWesternWind Thu 06-Jun-13 11:24:59

Bant - not sure about the flirting thing - if I was a little ambivalent about a man who I thought liked me and I might potentially like him, and then I saw him flirting with someone else I would think he was a player and steer well clear. Wouldn't show any jealousy but would retreat with dented confidence and leave him a clear field to pursue the other person.

Ike, Mercury, Kirsty I hope you're wrong! No evidence to the contrary, but I hope you are!

mercury7 Thu 06-Jun-13 11:33:33

Bant, this is horribly cynical of me but I think she is trying to draw you out so as to see whats in it for her (?)

Bant Thu 06-Jun-13 11:44:52

Maybe you're right, OWW but the problem is it's difficult to tell whether someone is acting disinterested as part of some Rules-type approach to dating, or is genuinely disinterested.

If they're actually not interested and just want to be friends, then it's a waste of time pursuing them. And to be honest, I probably have enough friends to be going along with, without adding a new one I'll just pine after.

If they're interested but are playing a game, it annoys me, and how long do I have to get dangled on a string? Do I really want to start off a relationship based on emotional manipulation?

If they're interested and are willing to just be honest about it, then we both win.

Mercury - I don't quite get what you mean - do you mean she wants to just be wined and dined in expensive restaurants and will flirt with me to get that? To be honest I have that concern with any Hungarian woman because they generally earn about a fifth of what a Brit earns. The average doctor over here takes home ten grand a year. So it's always in the back of my head. CheshireCat said she wants to move to another country to earn more money - she was quite plain about that. So am I a means to an end for her?

It's all a bit irritating trying to work out whether there is a hidden agenda.

mercury7 Thu 06-Jun-13 12:04:25

iirc Cheshire Cat is the woman with 'model looks' who you consider to be 'out of your league'?
and compared to her you're rather wealthy?
Dinner buys you a kiss on the cheek...I'd say you're supposed to be wondering what the price of a snog is

"So Debbie, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Bant Thu 06-Jun-13 12:21:05

I think British women quite like a man who's financially stable so won't be asking to borrow a fiver all the time, but while my income is modest in UK terms, it's silly over here - am I just going to meet women who are more interested in my wallet and the opportunity to maybe move to another country? I don't think all - or even many - hungarian women are looking for a meal ticket, but probably a lot more than in the UK.

I like to buy meals on a first date, even second or third date. I have more disposable income, fine. But where's the line between wanting to show a woman I can provide (however ridiculously old fashioned that is) and 'paying for a kiss'? I really feel uncomfortable with that..

Ah - just got a reply back from Cheshire. I'd said I enjoyed talking to her last night and would like to take her out again - she said 'I also enjoyed it and I hope we'll meet soon'

.. thoughts on that? Should I suggest a specific day?

Kirstywirsty Thu 06-Jun-13 12:24:26

Yes! Suggest a day or ask when she is free

OhWesternWind Thu 06-Jun-13 12:33:51

Ask her when she's free, Bant, that all sounds good. Am picturing you with your magic wand . . .

This might be shallow, but I wouldn't want to go out with someone who earned a lot less than I do (not that I earn a lot). If it was someone who could never afford to go out or put petrol in the car or worse still tried to borrow money, I'd hate that.

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 12:41:15

tigsy and hey so sorry that it's been very difficult for you over the last couple of days. been thinking about you. Nothing to add to the very good advice other above, other than to let you know you will be fine.

bant it's really not meant to be this much work i think. Don't put yourself in the position of having a friend that you pine over; trust me. that way lies madness. that said, she might have single friends.... i think you dont want to put yourself in the dangling position either. that just sounds uncomfortable. You've been doing the manly, pursuit thing.... I'd advise back-off a bit, go to the ex pat night, certainly talk to other people and a little bit of very mild flirting? sure why not - as long as you don't actually have your tongue down anyone elses throat, I don't personally see a problem...

DS1 got a DLA award. this is immense! changes everything, we can go swimming and stuff! <low expectations, me>

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 12:42:20

oh, cross posted with bant while i was typing... smile good. all is progressing!

mercury7 Thu 06-Jun-13 12:44:31

I cant see that it is's pretty obvious that a large income discrepancy can make things very awkward in lots of ways

Bant Thu 06-Jun-13 12:50:01

fantastic news on the DLA award Snape

okay I suggested the weekend, she's busy (away with family) - and the following weekend. And the one after. This was becoming an obvious theme so I suggested a weeknight instead and it seems we're set for next Tuesday. And next wednesday at the expat thing but we'll both have friends there then so it's not a date as such.

She hasn't said 'yes' to tuesday yet though. we appear to be asking each other directions to the library in french for some reason.

OhWesternWind Thu 06-Jun-13 13:09:52

Excellent news Snape!

We are back together grin much excellent talking, opening up, explaining of doubts, snogging and gazing into each others eyes.

God I am delirious with happiness <skips around the room>

<have decided to ignore my inner cynic just for today and just bask in the gloriousness of it all, but am very much valuing all above advice re crumbs etc and will do some serious thinking about my own needs once my delirium has settled>

Thanks so much threadees, I bloody love you all <squeezes to bosom>

Bant you are in a tricky sitch, but I would give it one more date. Maybe time to put yourself forward a bit on date num 3 wrt snogging!

<twirls until dizzy> grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile grin smile

Fab news re DLA Snape smile Hmmm, it's all sounding a bit like hard work from your last post Bant?

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 14:41:33

hey I mean this with ultimate kindness - it's lovely to see you happy, but be wary of the roller-coaster relationship... I think it's good to have met to talk things through and it's also good that he could tell you when he was having a bit of a wobble, just be a little cautious that this does not define your relationship. I've known very strange people who enjoy the drama of highly volatile realtionships - if this has been a simple misunderstanding, tehn all well and good - however, if it is the start of a dump = despair, get back together = euphoria cycle, then that sounds exhausting.

grin for you though. i love infectious happiness, me. smile

That is very good advice snape and I am honestly bearing it all in mind. I am hoping that it was just a misunderstanding, but having been through a fairly soul destroying marriage breakup, which can be summarised by 'No I really do love you' followed shortly by 'oops, i've just had sex with another 20 something' repeat ad nauseum, I am very aware of this possibility.

We did talk very frankly about a few other things that I think were really useful, basic misunderstandings about some fundamentals, that all seems a lot clearer now.

Will have a day of grin followed by some more sober pondering hmm.

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 14:59:28

Very glad you've taken it in the spirit with which it was intended hey (& really don't want to give you a buzz-kill, because happiness is fab, isnt it!?) I think the main advice, as always given on thread is take opportunities to step back and have a look at your relationship from outside - ensure everything is where it should be and whilst it is very tempting to be swept along in the romance and relief that you've found someone, particularly after soul-destroying break-ups, there should be an element of cautious protection of who you are and what you want and need from a (new) relationship, because that is important.

getting a bit older hmm maturing as a person brings (hopefully) a better appreciation of who you are, what you want, what you can offer and less opportunity to be fucked over. And part of that is talking about the useful things and ironiong out misunderstandings smile

Can we have another badge? - a kind of sensible, acting like an adult badge? it won't be called a jezebel - in the spirit of not-taking any shit, could it be called a Germaine? grin

velvetspoon Thu 06-Jun-13 15:20:53

Hey really glad it's all worked out ok! Giddy happiness is fab, I've not had any for 5 years so tis but a distant memory. One day maybe. In the meantime I shall continue trying to flog what appears to be a particularly dead horse...

Kirstywirsty Thu 06-Jun-13 15:43:05

TheBoy has just cancelled .. A friend is arriving earlier than expected .. Think I will just leave it at that

Good news hey grin

God Velvet.... still nothing??? How can you stand it?

Departure gate gringringringringrin

OhWesternWind Thu 06-Jun-13 16:03:43

Yay Juliette

In an hour I can hold him, kiss him and anything else just about decent for an arrivals gate. I am at excite con 10 grin

Fabulous Juliette grin Have loads of fun!

MirandaWest Thu 06-Jun-13 16:27:11

Have a great time Juliette grin

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 16:50:36

Have a lovely time Juliet. I'm off to namelesses to watch the 2nd half of the George Harrison documentary have sex smile

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 16:51:11

Juliette (tsk!)

Agree completely Snape, I've had some counselling over the last few months to help me come to terms and final peace with my divorce, and I've learnt so much about myself, it's been very useful. Sign me up for a Germaine please smile. Enjoy your sex documentary....

Thanks Velvet, I truly am hoping that the giddy stuff comes your way soon x

Excited for you Juliette grin (and am waiting for updates to rub my thighs at wink , although am telling myself that there can't possibly be one as funny as the physiotherapist update, can there? )

Thanks Kirsty, hope you not disappointed about TheBoy

velvetspoon Thu 06-Jun-13 18:13:28

stumped I 'stand it' because I like him very much, and because its far, far better than the alternative which is another 4 years of never getting beyond a first date with anyone. And the evenings and nights when I do see him, when he holds my hand all night and tells me how lovely I am, are infinitely preferable to those ridiculous stream of first dates with horrible men who I was far too good for. So if you look at it like that, its very easy to bear.

TigsytheTiger Thu 06-Jun-13 20:09:35

Well, all is well with Tigsy and Mr EA, he arrived and gave me a big hug, apologised and said he had been very silly, we talked about our breakdowns in communication and how we needed to recognise the cycle we get into and stop ourselves when we feel it happening again. I believe all is well, he has never given me reason to doubt him before sp I have to take it at face value. I like the fact that when I told him that telling me on the phone was cowardly he came to see me face to face.

You are all so kind, supportive on this thread, honestly a lifeline of common sense and compassion. I hope I can give you all as much ad you give me, << hugs to each and every one of you>>

KinNora Thu 06-Jun-13 20:23:14

Tigsy and Hey so glad that things are better for you both, and really genuinely thrilled that Juliette and Snape are both having a wonderful time.

Yay Tigsy, that is brilliant news. smile

Kirstywirsty Thu 06-Jun-13 21:07:00

Brilliant tigsy

Flipper924 Thu 06-Jun-13 21:26:16

Ah, calmness is restored to the thread once more. Very pleased for Hey and Tigsy that misunderstandings are now ironed out, though echo Snape's caution.

Bant, sounds like game playing, or keeping at arms' length to me, but could also be just taking her time to get to know you. Ask her for another date.

48howdidthathappen Thu 06-Jun-13 22:48:13

So happy for you Tigsty

Fingers crossed all goes well Hey

High five Juliette

Snapespeare Thu 06-Jun-13 23:32:49

Caaaaaaan you feeeeeeel the loooooove tonigiiiiiiiiiiht!?

All is well.

Watched documentary, did not have sex, this is good. :-) lots of hand-strokey, cuddled up somewhat chaste kissing. <happy shrug> it was still very lovely. He can't wait to go on holiday with me. Idiot. grin

Tigsy and Hey I really hope these were just blips but also what Snape said.ale sure you get what you really want for you. If you find yourselves on the back foot at all after these incidents then take some time to consider if its working for you.

Snape, great news on the DLA! smile

All is well in Dutchlandia, lovely hugs on arrival and much snogging all over. Home, sex rest and got up to have a few glasses of prosecco out the back (Priorities) wink

I love a bit of hand stroking snape <happy sigh>

Yay for Dutchie Juliette, sex AND prosecco? envy

Have had several very reassuring, affectionate texts from MrAttractive this eve, am seeing him on Sunday <god, pleeeeease let it be weird blip and not nascent personality disorder> <i do really think it was a blip> <but on vigilant alert>

Kirstywirsty Fri 07-Jun-13 07:37:31

Morning all

snape and juliette envygrin

I have decided to tell TheBoy today that I am not going to give him another chance. We have been in touch on and off since march and he has cancelled twice .. I need someone more reliable to be on tap for sex as I only have a couple of free nights a week

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 08:11:10

Nice to hear lots of happy news for people.

I'm not one of them of course. Have text C twice now and no response. Its possible I might still hear from him, but as each day passes I fear it's increasingly unlikely. Which because he was pretty much my last chance, makes me incredibly sad.

Can only cling to the shred of hope that I'm wrong, because if he has dumped me, that's it for me. My last chance at anything. Not like I'm going to find anyone else through OD <hollow laugh>.

Kirstywirsty Fri 07-Jun-13 08:31:08

velvet it is not your last chance at all .. C has been keeping you dangling. If he doesn't reply this means that you are free to see other people .. Even let the cop show you his truncheon for a bit of fun


Sorry you are feeling so sad. It's a really difficult situation with C, and only you can make the judgement as to whether the pleasure is worth the pain. You are clearly attracting men, as you have 2 men in your life at the moment who are interested (colleague and policeman).

All I would say though is that the only certainty in life is that things change. This is not your last chance at happiness, your life will not be the same in 5 years as it is now, because change is inevitable.

Putting my cbt head on, I would say that although you feel that this is your last chance (and these feelings are very real and painful), that it is useful to challenge the thoughts (much easier to challenge than feelings).

Feel free to ignore my waffle, but please do accept my giant hugs smile

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 10:07:24

Morning all

Sorry you're feeling down velvet but as others have said - you have other men interested in you, it's just that the one you want isn't stepping up. OD is definitely not the answer, real life may work better for you.

Juliette, hope your back holds up

Tigsy & Hey - I'm happy things are back on track.

I got talking to a couple of friends last night who've been here longer than me - both women. They said that basically women in Hungary are like British women from the sixties (apparently there was a survey on dating attitudes in various countries, and Hungary and a couple of others matched up with women's expectations and approaches from the UK in 1962)

So they're not forward when it comes to dating - they will never ask a man on a date. They will never offer to pay for a meal. Many of them basically expect to marry, have kids, do the cleaning and cooking and not have a career of their own. They expect to be pursued, for a man to be persistent, to provide, all that stuff.

As I'm meeting Hungarian women who are somewhat more forward thinking - as in they want to live outside Hungary, have careers etc, and don't want to marry Hungarian men because they're so conservative, then I'm going to work out how far they've moved on since '62 - but I still can't expect them to be forward or even kiss on the first, or second, date. It's not a bad sign, it's to be expected.

Crap, I've got to learn the rules all over again.

Ahem Bant my back is just fine than you despite my Dutchfest.

Velvet this is so not your last chance. I can understand it must feel like that because C was a hope but you are the one woman on this thread who attracts men wherever she goes. It will happen,

Oops it will happen one day with a man who truly is worthy of you (((((hugs))))).

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 13:13:06

I know you're all trying to be kind, and its nice of you and everything, but it's fairly obvious it's not going to happen for me. I've wished, I've tried, and there's nothing I can do.

I know I'm attractive. Without wanting to seem too Samantha Brick about it, most men fancy me. But that's as far as it goes. Men want to shag me, but that's all. They never want want me as a girlfriend. I'm the one they fancy, the one they'd sleep with (strictly as a one off of course). But not the one they'd have a relationship with. I can't change that can I?

It's not just OD. I meet men in RL. But I'm the same - a bit of fun, no more. C was the only exception in 4 years, and even he didn't want a relationship.

I'm kidding myself if I think I'll find anyone else, if I was going to I would have by now. Why would anything change? It hasn't in 4 years.

JoylessFucker Fri 07-Jun-13 13:53:21

Oh lovely lovely velvet. I know you're aware that we care and we find you fabulous, so I'm not going to repeat any of that now.

But ... I do feel the need to say that your 4 years before C was the "old way velvet did OD". You changed your criteria quite dramatically recently and you met C. He fit that new criteria, but is clearly not ready to be in a relationship yet. That doesn't mean that everyone else who meets your new criteria will also be as unready. It just means patiently wading through the shite in your high-heeled fucking fabulous wellies darling until you find one who isn't. I'm not going to say it'll be easy, I wouldn't be so foolish as to promise you a happy-even-after, I just think that you only gave your well-thought-out new criteria one go, so please don't feel that C is your last hope. I rather regard him as your turning point ...

JoylessFucker Fri 07-Jun-13 14:04:04

<waves at thread>

Sending a envy to Juliette, Snape & 48

Also a smile and good to hear you're keeping your wits about you to Hey and Tigsy

Bant what's Hungarian for Rules?

My dating news is pretty meh ...
Pawnee has kinda withdrawn due to practical concerns in his life. Not insurmountable in my view, but he clearly thinks so, whilst wanting to keep in touch hmm Trouble is that I like him, think he could be genuine but don't want to waste time if he's messing with me. I did ask, he says he isn't and sounds truthful ... but who knows. On the basis of its all BS till it isn't, I'm continuing with other prospects. Can't say any are setting any parts of me a-flutter atm ...

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 14:09:52


not the easiest language.

So my dating situation - the CheshireCat may be interested, we've kind of got a tentative date planned for next Tuesday. Translator may also be interested but is too busy with her new job to go out in the evenings. She did dump the Dane a couple of days after meeting me, but that may be completely unrelated.
I'm trying not to look at the Sweet Trolley, but haven't contacted anyone online in about a month or so, it's tempting, there are some interesting people there. And I haven't even had more than a cheek kiss from the two Hungarian women, so I think exclusivity is a bit of a way off..

Think I'll see if I can get a date for this weekend. Otherwise I'll be bored.

Absolutely brilliant point there from Joyless about C being a turning point after you changed your criteria Velvet. Really try and take the positives from that (((squeeeeeze))).

A1980 Fri 07-Jun-13 15:00:47

Might have a date next week. he's 2-3 years younger than me though.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 15:02:27

Tell all, A1980

A1980 Fri 07-Jun-13 15:08:16

Met online. He sent me some very sweet messages and asked me straight out. his profile looks very nice. he's not bad looking either.

I got horribly dumped in January so I'm nervous.

Dutch has got his chopper out, hip hip hip hooray. Dutch has got his chopper out and he's

making wood for the bbq. No I haven't had a drink yet

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 16:17:49

Really pleased to hear the good news from Tigsy and Hey. I think eyes wide open is the best way to proceed (for all of us, not just you two)!

Well, the man from last weekend was after coming round to mine tonight but I have put him off as we'd arranged to meet up and go out tomorrow. The problem is I think he is far too focussed on sex - I like sex (and sex with him - it's good), but there needs to be a balance with other stuff too - so I'm going to have a bit of a conversation with him, or maybe just see how things go, but I'm more than half anticipating that this will be coming to an end if he doesn't want more than a shag every weekend.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 16:25:53

OWW I dunno about the talk to be honest. Yes, obviously you want it to go somewhere and not just be a booty call, but unless you phrase it carefully it may come across as a 'where is this going' conversation really quite early on.

Instead of saying that how about you suggest doing something a bit more cerebral or bf/gf like, a museum or cinema or something, and subtly make it clear there won't be any opportunity for sex. That way you get to see if he wants you for your mind or your body without coming across as someone looking for a husband.

I know you're diplomatic, but you can find out the same stuff without having a conversation which can itself put pressure on a relationship and cause problems early on.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 16:27:25

And 1980 - 2 or 3 years isn't huge. Make sure we get a loo update and remember the Rules OD advice

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 16:29:31

Joy I know what you're saying and that it probably seems I am being negative and defeatist, but I did try again though, I really did. When I thought all was lost with C in December, I bunged up another profile. And attracted the same men as ever, who saw me only as one off sex.

If I met men I didn't fancy, I'd keep going. I'd think somewhere there must be an attractive one. But that's not it. I meet men I fancy, and who fancy me all the time, they just don't want more than a ONS.

I'd like to think none of these men wanted relationships (I know lots of men don't who OD, it's just a thing to do, they just like the odd date here and there and that's it). That would make it easier. But lots of them do now have gfs. Just like men I meet in RL.

But none of them want me.

And I just don't understand why.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 16:44:59

Velvet - PM me your profile details again, and I'll look at it from the perspective of a bloke looking for a quickie and see if I can suggest changes

JoylessFucker Fri 07-Jun-13 17:24:41

velvet the one thing I don't think you're being is negative and defeatist. What I do think is that you sound defeated and its hardly surprising. OD is hard work. It can knock your confidence, it can make you question your very soul.

I do remember you giving it another go - was that the profile that was written for you or a different one? I'd be happy to give feedback on it whichever it is, but only if you feel it would be useful.

The things that makes me not just want to hug you but also to try and reach you is that I could write those words you've written. Oh yes - I have wondered why men only what to shag me? Although in my case you can add: except for the broken birds who fly off when I put them back together? I have been left utterly broken, totally bereft and have sobbed till exhaustion. I have also felt loved, desired and special - but, like you & C - not nearly enough ... but that's why I keep at it.

My secret weapon is a very special group of friends who are single and dating (on & off). It helps, because they know, they understand and probably most important of all, they are there to do things with. So I have a great social life and I fit in OD when I feel like it. The older I get (I'm 56), the more important "finding someone" feels but one thing this thread has taught me is to value myself and to make sure that someone is special and not just anyone. You are one of those people who taught me that valuable lesson, so I'd do anything I could to help you find your sparkle again.

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 18:08:26

Bant oh you cosmopolitan city dweller you! Museum?? Cinema??? Erm, not round here on a Saturday night!

I do take your point though and won't go blundering in with a heavy conversation about his intentions. In fact I'm thinking it will all become clear during the evening without saying anything at all. The sexual interest has to be there but so does the interest in me as a person so if he shows that, great, and if not I will say at the end of the night that I think we're looking for different things.

Snapespeare Fri 07-Jun-13 18:15:16

velvet love. It's because you look like a young jackie Collins, so generic blokey-blokes think 'rarrrrr!' & then you turn out to be incredibly smart and accomplished and they can't cope with that, because they're scared of intelligence in a woman that rocks the cleavage/hair/eyelashes combo.

It takes a very special, intelligent bloke to deal with what might be perceived as emasculating. More fool them for missing out...and I know you really like him and he's broken your 2nd date cherry, but C is an arse.

You're lovely and intelligent, you have a huge heart and a wild romantic soul. It's fucking awful, so have a rest and a recalibrate but don't dumb yourself down (ha! as if) because I am going to dance at your wedding one day...and I don't hang out with bimbos.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 18:28:09

(I do)

A1980 Fri 07-Jun-13 18:31:50

Bant I am new to this thread. What OD advice?

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 18:35:58

I can't dumb myself down. I keep winning the work quiz (single handed, against teams of people blush because I'm such a bloody show-off about how clever I am blush

Thank you Snape. I don't think men who want a relationship with me actually exist though sad I so wish I could believe that I'd have a wedding. I'd settle for being able to change my Facebook status, but that doesn't seems likely to ever happen either.

Bant/ Joy I deleted all my profiles a while back but honestly, I don't think it's anything in there, because RL men treat me the same. It's not some men, it's every man.

And it makes me really, really sad.

Snapespeare Fri 07-Jun-13 18:36:24

bant bless you, you're just doing that so you're not intellectually challenged and you think you'll get laid...shock grin

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 18:40:03

Hey. i like being intellectually challenged.

And getting laid.

The first one seems to happen far more often than the latter though.

1980, the 4th post (I think) in this thread outline the rules of online dating. Thick skin, etc, gained from collectively hundreds of years of experience of it

Snapespeare Fri 07-Jun-13 18:42:08

bant they're not mutually exclusive you know! smile

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 18:45:56

Velvet. There are men out there who want relationships. Believe me, I know. They want them with atteactive intelligent women like you.

So there are two options here. Either you're only attracting the hyenas who are looking for a quick f*ck, or you're attracting all types of men and giving out a signal that that's all you're looking for. Which is why that's all you get.

Not forgetting the fact that some of the men you dated bat gave actually been desperate to go on a second date with you but you didn't fancy them. I am NOT saying you should, I'm just trying to understand what's happening.

You are getting dates. It's not as if you never speak to anyone, never get mails from anyone, its just that somehow its not working out.

If it is one if those two things, which is more likely?

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 18:51:26

My previous post, by the way, is based on the premise that there are actually decent blokes out there.

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 18:51:46

Where are you going A1980? Is this your first date since the break up? I'd recommend meeting him as soon as you can, so you don't build things up in your head too much, which is so easy to do. And don't expect too much - likelihood is that he'll be a nice, pleasant man but there's no spark. That's the case 90%+ of the time, but you will strike lucky sooner or later!

Please carry on posting!

A1980 Fri 07-Jun-13 19:19:40

Just for a walk and drinks. It'll be my second date since the break up. the first was awful.

There was instant chemistry with my ex so its hard having crap dates.

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 19:23:45

Bant I don't think I'm attracting men who are only looking for sex full stop, as evidenced by the fact several of my dates are now in relationships - so they obviously were 'in the market' for a girlfriend. BUT I don't think any of them ever considered me as girlfriend material, possibly not before the date and certainly not after, as I never saw them again.

There have been 4 men in 4 years I didn't want to see again. 2 clearly felt the same, as apart from a nice to meet you text, I never heard any more from them. The other 2 asked, and I said thanks but no spark etc. One of those then told me it would only have been for sex anyway. I got 'casual' vibes off the other one too, so I doubt that would have been different.

So that leaves.... me giving a signal of just wanting a quick shag?

I honestly don't think that's true, I hope it isn't. And if it was, I'd have given the same signal to C, which I can't have, because he never saw me just as that.

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 19:35:48

Is it possible just to give that signal even? I'm worried now...what would I do if I was?

I don't ask about 2nd dates etc but just because I don't want to presume, not because I don't want to discuss it.

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 19:44:11

I've seen that signal from people I've dated. I know I could get them into bed very easily. Personally I choose not to because I know it'll never go anywhere and I don't want to upset people.

You seem like a confident intelligent attractive woman. You get dates. Maybe you come across as too independent, or too dependent - I really don't know, having never met you. I think there are so many people out there who are looking fur someone like you, maybe you just need a different 'dating face'

We all want to be ourselves on dates but also put our best, funniest, most attractive, mysterious yet friendly sides forward in order to impress.

I dunno. Maybe I should take you out on a date and give you a critique later smile

JoylessFucker Fri 07-Jun-13 19:48:06

OK, so what we're dealing with is the way you've perceived velvet. So, obviously your appearance is a large part of that. For once, it may be easier to correct that misconception in on OD than in RL, because let it be understood that I would never ever ever suggest you change ...

So, to use me as an example - on the outside, I'm a grey haired motherly woman. Truly I am. But there's a naughty twinkle apparently (so I'm reliably informed). On OD that won't get across unless they meet me in person. So, because I like sex and its a very important part of a relationship for me, I have a strap line that reads: motherly exterior, bad girl interior. Not always, but mostly its attracted those who get that they are buying into both aspects of me.

For example velvet, you could have one that reads: bimbo exterior, brainiac interior (and please don't take offence, I was going for alliteration). Glamour-puss exterior, football mad interior. Va va voom outside, bright & brainy inside. You get where I'm going and I'm sure you'll come up with better. I know the belief is that profiles should be brief, but I think one that showcases who you really are is the one that has a chance of attracting someone who'll appreciate the you that we see. Otherwise people will go with the easy stereotype and you, my dear, are worth way way more than them.

And now I have to go on my date ... ho hum, can't say I'm overly excited.

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 20:10:09

Hope it goes well JF - update if you have time

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 20:55:37

CheshireCat just sent me a picture of her cuddling her puppy. I think I may be falling a little bit for her

Kirstywirsty Fri 07-Jun-13 21:03:39

For 1980

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. If it is not fun, stop

velvetspoon Fri 07-Jun-13 21:03:47

My last profiles - the one that I found C with, and the one I did after that, were very much along don't judge a book by it's cover, I'm not the average girl etc. But apart from C I still got the same men.

I don't know what dating face I give. All I know is I do my best to come across as witty and amusing. I don't try too hard. In RL people like me. I am popular, perceived as outgoing, friendly, warm. Not one person in RL can understand why men are not queuing up to be my boyfriend. And they're not. They never have.

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 21:16:15

That's where I'm going wrong Bant - am sadly lacking in the photos of me with cute puppies department. Do you think I should send Weekend Bloke a photo of me in my hard hat pointing at some defective render and see if it makes him go all gooey?

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 21:37:19

Strangely a profile picture of a woman with a pet is a turn off. But we chatted about her dogs and she went all misty eyed. It was sweet

Snapespeare Fri 07-Jun-13 21:44:52

Just so we're absolutely clear, 'puppy' is like, a dog' yes?! Not a euphemism?

Bant Fri 07-Jun-13 21:46:11

A Yorkshire terrier called buksi.

Snapespeare Fri 07-Jun-13 22:26:06

is 'buksi' hungarian for 'foof'? wink

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 22:33:04

It should have a topknot with a ribbon in and be called Foofie-Woo a la James Herriot ...

Poogate Fri 07-Jun-13 22:34:43

Hello everyone, long time lurker / first time poster; this thread has helped immensely in my OD journey so far.

So last Friday had third date, he came back to mine, we DTD, everything thus far seemed normal, good manners, no red flags, so far so good. In the morning he took a shower (good sign, hygienic), but just before he left, he did something that has disturbed me ever since; he took a poo (in my loo, obviously); I was somewhat taken aback by this seemingly brazen behaviour as I have been known to have stomach cramps from not wanting to go to the loo (wee is ok!) at a new guy's place... Ok so some of you will tell me to get a grip, it's a normal bodily function and that is my issue and you are probably right, but he could have waited til he left, which was 2 mins afterwards!

This however is not his most heinous crime. This is: he left skidmarks on my loo. And I have a toilet brush!! Sorry for the tmi but it left me quite disturbed. I would never do that to someone I had known for years, let alone someone I was trying to impress. And he's a surgeon and seemed intelligent and switched on but this kind of makes me feel that he has no self awareness.

Interested in what others think. It's put me right off him!

Kirstywirsty Fri 07-Jun-13 22:36:55

Love the name poogate grin I'm with you .. He should have waited till he left .. What are you going to do???

mercury7 Fri 07-Jun-13 22:38:07

some sort of territory marking behaviour?? confused

squashedbanana Fri 07-Jun-13 22:38:42

venturing in...need some advice...

First off I have trust issues - in men and in myself in not attracting a sociopath, you'd understand why if you knew my full dating history

Met someone on Badoo and we hit it off immediately, lots of funny banter and both of us waiting to hear the ping telling us the other person had replied. Neither of us are looking for a relationship but looking to make friends and if anything develops it would be a bonus.

After realising we're both the male/female version of the other he suggested we just have a laugh and that we don't take things too seriously and just see what happens. I agreed and then his flirting begins and he signs off his messages with lots of kisses and is open about his excitement about meeting me when we set a date.

Now I am typing this, I am wondering what it is I want to ask or what I want to know. He has his boys every weekend (he's been divorced 5 years) I sent him a text message asking him some questions as he said he wants me to know him, it was just after 10pm and he texted back and said he was tired after messing around with his boys and he'd answer in the morning as he was going to bed. The part of me that's always looking for red flags and is on high alert is thinking why didn't he just answer the questions when he texted back. But then I think I am just being insecure and over cautious. This is really about me not him isn't it?

Poogate Fri 07-Jun-13 22:48:57

Hey Kirsty, well he's been pretty flaky anyway and wasn't long term material (7 years younger and I think a bit of a player), I was just interested to see what you thought, whether I was overreacting ! Glad to see that you think not, most of my friends said it was a deal breaker but one or two said I was being precious... Another one binned off then! Back to the drawing board.... grin

Actually while I'm here I got a message from a a seemingly normal, not bad looking guy yesterday, and he's four years older than me which is like gold dust! I came home, told my friend and she had received a message from the same guy the day before! Blardy typical. She's not interested but I'm not sure whether to pursue or not, I guess I wouldn't have known if he'd messaged every woman on the site but knowing he messaged my friend kind of tainted it. Should I give him a chance?

OhWesternWind Fri 07-Jun-13 22:49:37

Poo erm aren't toilets for doing poos in? If he had a drive after leaving, perhaps he just had to go. But yes he should have cleaned up!

Hello Banana - I wouldn't worry, could well be he was busy and tired and wants to be able to give your questions some proper thought.

Poogate Fri 07-Jun-13 22:54:58

OWW yes indeed they are. I'm just a bit 'precious' about keeping an air of mystery, at least for the first few times after DtD!! As I said, it's my issue, I know... I could have lived with it if he'd cleaned up!

KinNora Fri 07-Jun-13 23:02:24

A brief pop in from me,

Poogate - have you known many surgeons ? Because I'm telling you that a lot of them would feel perfectly entitled to climb up on your breakfast bar and poo next to your Rice Krispies if they felt the urge (and possibly throw your spoon at you for disturbing them mid-void) - you got off lightly.

Banana - I think that's probably fairly reasonable from him but keep your spidey senses on alert just in case.

Big hug to the Velvster.

Admiration for Dutchy and his chopper.

Mwahhhhhh to you all.

Poogate Fri 07-Jun-13 23:12:42

Kinnora. No only the ones who have operated on me! I've never been 'intimate' with a surgeon before. Thinking back he certainly had a sense of entitlement about him!

Kirstywirsty Fri 07-Jun-13 23:18:00

What's the difference between God and surgeons? God doesn't think he's a surgeon grin

Bant Sat 08-Jun-13 04:28:31

Morning all

Hello poo and banana

Poo- it may seem a bit entitled, but I'd be more put off by the surgeon thing. He may be one if those people who are very regular and have had a longish journey after leaving yours?
As for the guy who messaged you and your friend - it's not really fair on the guy is it? I had one woman cancel a date on me because she knew someone I'd dated fur a few weeks, which was annoying but understandable. But just for messaging someone?
Would it be fair for him to disappear on you because it turns out he knew someone else that messaged you? OD is a numbers game, sometimes there will be weird coincidences

Banana - he was tired, maybe he needed to think about the answers. I'm sure you've had times when the DC have exhausted you and you needed to go to bed.

That said, if the behaviour of someone just feels weird, maybe they're not right - but we do all realistically have to compromise, no one is perfect.

Hello everyone, sorry I've been absent all week. Just very busy with work, and spending every afternoon/evening at the watermark with dd before she does to her dad for three weeks.

Had second date with oil rigger, dinner and a nice walk. I'm glad I gave this a second chance. I do like him very much, he's easy to talk to and it feels we've known each other forever. He's a fabulous kisser, makes me feel all hugs and cuddles I've ever had, too. He hasn't pushed for sex although I certainly know he's game. He's had the oomph moment, he told me in so many words but said he's happy to take things at whatever pace I feel comfortable with as he really likes me and wouldn't want to ruin anything.

The more I know him, the more I like him. I find that I miss him when we aren't talking during the day. Sometimes he'll send a text that just says "how's it going? Thinking of you" and I go all fluttery.

I haven't had sex with him yet, although I wanted to grin that's where I seem to rush into things in the past so I'm deliberately going slowly. If he doesn't get called early to a new jobs site next week he's taking me to the coast for the weekend, he wants to take me to the aquarium there. If we go, I am certain to DTD. I won't be able to restrain myself, I'm sure. But why should I, anyway. I am quite sure he's not only interested in a shag.

The potential to get my heart broken again is becoming real. But nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Bant Sat 08-Jun-13 05:06:19

Raf - do aquariums push your button then? smile

Slow and easy. It's great to think he might be great and you've met a great guy, but as with anything worth having, there's a potential for hurt too. Just keep doing what you're doing and tell us about the fish smile

velvetspoon Sat 08-Jun-13 06:57:55

Off to friends for lunch today (and squidgy cuddles with their baby) then drinks in the evening with other friends.

Will be a) trying not to cry when (inevitably) they ask about my lovelife and how things are going with C and b) hoping against hope to hear from him.

Poogate Sat 08-Jun-13 08:14:56

Hello Bant, good advice, I will message him back - thanks smile

Poogate Sat 08-Jun-13 08:16:22

grin @ Kirsty

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 09:29:46

Good morning. I've been having a little lurk and trying to catch up on everyone's stories. I'm looking for a bit of advice but will share a bit of background first.

Very recently separated (6 weeks) but been over for 2 years in reality. I'm ready to move on and been shown some attention for once. Anyway, been using badoo/pof and had a couple of dates.

1. Really lovely bloke. Met a few times and then he decided to inform me that he is married. Ended all contact

2. No physical attraction at all and very boring. Made me realise that I don't fancy short men.

Fast forward to number 3 and the advice I want. ..

Started talking on POF a week ago and have met up for a drink. Physically attracted to him and had a really lovely night. We kissed and he was a perfect gent. Next plan had been to meet up on Monday for another drink but stupid ex is now saying he doesn't want to see the kids. Mr.Policeman has said I'm welcomed to come round tonight. Should I go? I've googled/stalked him on Facebook/twitter etc and everything he's said seems to ring true so far. He took a call from his ex wife whilst I was sat there so I'm confident he isn't married! My instincts say go for it but am I insane? I really really want to see him. ... Help!

OhWesternWind Sat 08-Jun-13 09:33:43

Raf glad things are all going well.

Need a bit of advice here please - I'm due to see the bloke from last weekend again tonight and essentially I was going to use tonight to see if I thought there was anything there. We are going out for a meal and a drink which is his suggestion. We were texting a bit last night, just nice normal chat, then he phoned. I'd told him before I didn't like phoning but I picked up otherwise it would have seemed very rude.

Anyway, chatted a bit and started talking about where we would go tomorrow. He started saying the restaurant we went to last week was rubbish, he didn't enjoy it (but he'd seemed fine at the time). So I said well where do you fancy going tomorrow? And he goes, oh don't ask me, I'm just the provider. What?? Was very taken aback, his suggestion to go out for a meal both times and he insisted on paying.

Not sure if I want to go out tonight with him, been wavering all week but I thought that was a really odd comment. Think I will text and suggest just a drink and say that I am more than happy to pay my way. Or should I just cancel and if so how at this late stage?

Bant Sat 08-Jun-13 09:36:23

Can you trust your instincts, martini? You're the only one that can make a decision. As long as someone knows exactly where you are and he does seem trustworthy, then id say go for it. Other people may have better advice

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 09:36:48

oww that comment would always stick in my mind. Sounds like he has some kind of hang up. I think you should suggest just a drink and see how you feel after?

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 09:40:07

bant my instincts are usually pretty spot on. I think it's cause I've been reading so many dating horror stories. Worried I'll get to his house and he'll attack me! It's hard not to think that everyone online is either a psycho or married. I figure at some point I need to take a risk. His kids will be there and in bed so I don't think he'll be trying anything on. Plus he knows that's not even an option yet. I've seen his warrant card so he is a policeman.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 09:42:00

And anyone dated a policeman. I've heard a few people say it's not the ideal profession. It tends to turn people quite hard and aggressive. I'm not one to stereotype but these comments make you question things. I'm so pleased I've found somewhere I can ramble. Can't do it in RL

velvetspoon Sat 08-Jun-13 09:44:49

Martini I wouldn't go round to his house tbh.

Not for any danger reason, more because almost all policeman are serial shaggers with a few on the go at any one time. If he's inviting you round, it will be because he wants sex. Fine if that's an itch you need to scratch too, but bear in mind you probably won't see him again after.

Feel free to ignore my advice of course, because I'm just someone who can't get a boyfriend and who men consider an easy lay, so what would I know?

Bant Sat 08-Jun-13 09:53:37

Oww - strange thing for him to say. I'd do the drinks thing but look out for more red flags

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 10:00:54

velvetspoon I'm very similar to you. I have a 'look in my eyes'. God knows why! I've not had sex with anyone other than my ex in ten years so even if that's what he wanted. It isn't happening. I suppose I want to go and see if that's all he is interested in. It's a whole mine field

OhWesternWind Sat 08-Jun-13 10:21:57

Martini I wouldn't worry about his job, not that I have any experience with policemen (or surgeons)! Serial shaggers and aggressive types can be found everywhere - my ex was both and he worked in a "caring" profession. Don't let that put you off, but go in eyes wide open.

Have texted bloke suggesting just drinks. We will see.

squashedbanana Sat 08-Jun-13 11:14:40

Thanks for the advice. He texted me a lovely message this morning and we have been swapping texts all day. He seems such a lovely man. Icing on the cake now is he's just told me his eldest boy isn't really his, he took him on as his own when he was just 17 months old and treated him as his ever since.

Not found a red flag or a 'catch' yet but am keeping one eye open for one, but for now it seems all good.

About dating a policeman, I met one on camfrog about ten years ago, got on like a house on fire, made arrangements to meet and he stood me up. I realised after, once I read back our messages with a more cynical mind that he wasn't single, he was just looking for someone on the side

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 11:18:05

squashed he sounds lovely! Not the policeman one.

I've not seen any red flags so far. Despite looking and rereading all our messages. The only issue for me is his job. It's purely the danger aspect of going to his house that is concerning me

squashedbanana Sat 08-Jun-13 11:53:46

We've made plans to meet the week after next, we're both so excited!

I really wouldn't go to his house Porn if you have misgivings, trust your instincts

Bant Sat 08-Jun-13 12:16:30

If his kids will be there (and you trust that's true) and you let someone know where you are - and you let him know that someone knows, you'll probably be okay.

I would never recommend this for a first date, and personally I'd feel very weird having someone round to mine when the DC are there, if they haven't met and I don't know them well, but if you feel okay with it, do it.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 12:21:21

I do trust what he says. He hasn't pushed for me to go round. It was more a case of not being able to see him Monday, so he suggested tonight. He is going to check if his lodger will be there or not. I'm gonna go for it. Half hour drive but I can let a couple of friends know where I am. No alcohol involved.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 12:22:23

The kids will be in bed. I won't be meeting them!

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Jun-13 13:36:07

Poo of course you can't write someone off because they've messaged someone else. People like and message lots of people at any one time and that is absolutely fine. Given that you're friends it's likely you'd both be his 'type' based on the info you can give on a profile.

squashedbanana this alone is not a red flag in my view. Answering messages can be tiring, if I wanted to go to bed I wouldn't want to have to start pumping out information. But to be honest I get annoyed if someone asks too many questions pre-meet anyway.

velvet apologies if this isn't helpful, but you're posts make me so sad. I can't help thinking it would be better if you took control and ended things with C, or at least made it clear to him that you will have to if he can't give you what you need.

I'm a little jaded by OD at the moment and thinking of taking my profile down for a break, but I'm worried about it sending the wrong signals to someone I am dating.

Porn I'd be very uncomfortable going to someone's house for a first date. Even if it's not a hook up and there are practical childcare arrangements in place I just don't think it sets the right tone. It's either too lazy or too intimiate. But I'm childless and everyone I date is so I don't pretend that any of my views are applicable to you.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 13:42:07

Thanks for input. Decision made. Lodger is in tonight so at least I don't have to decide. Hopefully all able to meet Monday now.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 17:30:06

Oh god. Someone tell me that I am insane. I am about to drive 30 miles so I can kiss him on the doorstep. Turn around and drive 30 miles back. It started off as a joke but now I actually want to do it.

OhWesternWind Sat 08-Jun-13 17:59:31

Have you gone Martini?

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 18:01:09

Just getting ready. Mental?

Kirstywirsty Sat 08-Jun-13 18:15:00

martini do you feel it is mental or right?

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 18:18:16


pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 18:26:15

Leaving now! Update later

OhWesternWind Sat 08-Jun-13 18:32:07

Probably too late but are you sure this is giving him the right signals?

squashedbanana Sat 08-Jun-13 18:35:19

Arrggghhhh like him so much! two more weeks of texting before we have arranged to meet. I don't want things to fizzle out before we meet up as text messages aren't conducive to flowing conversation and I don't want two weeks of this just to meet him and find out he only has half a mouth of teeth or is married.

Thinking of saying friends have cancelled on me one day this week and suggest we meet sooner, too eager?

OhWesternWind Sat 08-Jun-13 18:40:12

Banana sorry I am sounding like the voice of dooooom tonight, but try not to get too emotionally involved before you meet. The real person is in my experience never the same ad the online persona which had so much input from your own imagination. Much better to meet sooner and see if the reality matches up to expectations, so I think doing something this week would be a great plan. Go for it and good luck!!

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 19:20:05

Did it. Oh my god he is seriously seriously hot. Lovely house. He can read whatever signals he wants. Sex is not on the agenda for a while. If he likes me then he will understand why I'm making him wait. But. ... he makes me melt. Was worth the drive

EternalRose Sat 08-Jun-13 19:27:18

Pornstar- what was the joke? You had to drive over there, kiss him on the cheek and leave? Call me blonde but I don't get it...

As for me, life is beyond crap right now.

squashedbanana Sat 08-Jun-13 19:42:34

awwww pornstar!!!

Western, I am going to go for it!

Sorry to hear that Eternal sad

Snapespeare Sat 08-Jun-13 19:43:38

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Nameless possibly meeting at least 2/3rds of children tomorrow & possibly DD when she returns from France with her grandparents (who I regard as my parents, XPs DM& DF.)

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Significant-ex-after-DCs-dad (SEADD?) met them 18 months in, never met ex-out-laws, even though we'd gone out for 6 years (?) I never met his mother. Nameless will be ultra-laid-back & I am hyperventilating.

<cleans house>

<drinks cider>

Winefiend Sat 08-Jun-13 19:45:08

Hello all, quick update!

Lots going on for you guys and hello new folk grin

martini (I am loathe to call you porn grin). Ach, a bit of spontaneity is a good thing sometimes (er sometimes, maybe not in my case with Ken/Barbie --even though it led to one night of enjoyable sex--) but make sure he bends over backwards at your next meet.

banana Totally with OWW on this one. I have learnt my lesson there. Maybe talk to some other guys too? My friend has been doing the same and as their first date he wants to whisk her away to a city near us. Try to point out to her how potentially awkward this could be. He has also mentioned deleting POF profiles. I am getting bad viiiiibes man. But hey ho, what do I know grin. Just reckon it is too much too soon.

As for me, I am still completely minus men atm and actually loving it. Loads on. Had an email today from a potential lodger who has a border collie. This pleases me grin I like dog folk.

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 19:46:27

We were messaging. I said I wanted a kiss. He said come and get one. I said see you in half hour. He said you're joking and there we are.

Sorry to hear you're having a crap time

pornstarmartini Sat 08-Jun-13 19:53:25

It was totally worth it. Wanted him to see me dressed up. Left him and on my way to a party. I won't message now and will wait for him to contact. Walking round shop with stubble rash, nice. Had to pick up wine

Snapespeare Sat 08-Jun-13 20:02:30

<applauds martini> adventuress!

squashedbanana Sat 08-Jun-13 20:17:17

go martini!

I want to meet this guy and get it out the way, if he's a let down, one week of anticipation won't be as bad as two weeks of of anticipation if it all ends in disaster

And if he's not a let down, the sooner I meet him the better! grin

EternalRose Sat 08-Jun-13 21:33:57

Ah I see now, sorry head is absolutely mushed today. Just wrote a thread in the main boards, really need someone above to give me a break.

Kirstywirsty Sat 08-Jun-13 21:48:41

Can you put a link here Rose

EternalRose Sat 08-Jun-13 22:07:17

Hope it doesn't depress anyone...

EternalRose Sat 08-Jun-13 22:34:13

Oh, and apologise for barging in all me, me, me.

I haven't had the time to keep up with the thread so not sure if anyone has any dates this weekend but if any of you did tonight, hope you had a good night.

Bant Sun 09-Jun-13 07:15:45

did anyone have dates this weekend? Other than martinis long drive for a kiss?

Spoke to the Translator last night, asked her (one more time) to go to dinner, and as I thought she said she'd love to, but only as friends - things are 'complicated' with her and the Dane, so that's all she wants at the moment.

I can't say I'm surprised really, it's two weeks since we went to the zoo and she hasn't found any free time since then to meet, so it was kind of obvious.

The CheshireCat is more up my street. She's a brunette who prefers dogs to cats and who eats meat. I know it's strange to classify people like that but I can't help it. I want to be able to cook for someone, something other than baked squash with beans. Still trying for a date on Tuesday

pornstarmartini Sun 09-Jun-13 09:27:15

Went to my party. No message from him. I caved in and send one about 9:30. He replied a couple of hours later and said he had fallen asleep, was tired and will speak tomorrow (today). No mention of the fact I've driven miles! We shall see what today brings. Gonna be strong and not send a message today. I hope he doesn't just disappear as I quite like him. He took his profile down from pof and I asked him why. Said he didn't need it now. Oh mixed messages. Feel bad that I can't comment on everyone else's situations but I'm only justlearning all your stories

Bant Sun 09-Jun-13 09:36:56

hmm martini - that's somewhat of a red flag - the taking down the profile thing. But people who are new to OD can get overly enthused about someone they've met.

It's not a bad sign in itself - he may be bowled over by you. Keeping a profile up is a temptation to look at the sweet trolley. It is somewhat putting all his eggs in one basket, of course, but as long as he doesn't propose within a few days maybe it's not so bad.

Not replying to a text or being overly grateful you drove miles isn't that bad either. Some people nap, especially when running around after DC all day. See how you get on today, be careful for signs he's overly enthusiastic and loves you after a week, and see how you go..

I am going to eat my tescos cottage pie for lunch (in a couple of hours) and then go and look at the flooding here with an ice cream. It's 30 degrees and my local train station is flooded. Kind of like a day at the beach, except without the donkey rides.

pornstarmartini Sun 09-Jun-13 10:01:07

bant Thanks for the advice. Will keep posting. I know I fall in love too easily so reigning it in. We are meant to be meeting tomorrow night. I'll wait for him to mention it. I'm glad I didn't spend the evening at his house. Think it would've moved too fast. That boy can kiss. It's freezing here!