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i've got to end this relationship

(67 Posts)
mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:27:55

last night my fiancee, (lived together for 3 years , together 4.5 yrs) grabbed my 13 yo DS round the throat and swore in his face. i have told him that he will be moving out (he will go back to the box room at his parents until he finds somewhere) i cant believe this has happened and i am so angry and dissapointed in him. he just totally flipped out.

my son was sitting at the computer at 10:15 and i told him it was time to go upstairs and he started trying to argue and backchat me. i was handling the situation just fine and did not need any kind of help when my fiancee burst in swearing 'you will do what you're fucking told you little twat' and then grabbed him by the throat (son was still sitting on computer chair) i yelled at him to 'take your hand off my son' which he did, my son then stood up and they both pushed each other whilst i tried to separate them, then my son got past and went upstairs, shouting that DF does nothing for the house and is useless. I went up after DS and made sure he was alright. when i came down DF was still fuming, he apologised to me, but said he would not apologise to DS as he was a spoilt brat.he said he was only trying to turn DS's head so he would look at him.

i told him he would be leaving first thing in the morning.he tells me i am over reacting and he didn't leave a mark on him or grab him tightly. DF has been crying a lot and i feel, trying to manipulate me. please can i have your opinions as i am getting so confused. i have bipolar and i know i do overreact but in this case, i think i am right. i dont want the relationship to end but fail to see how it can continue now. i cant put my kids at this risk of him losing his temper again.i have been trying to phone womens aid's helpline all night but there is no answer. i even phoned the samaritans but they were really just interested in if i felt suicidal (i dont) i was just desperate to talk to someone about all this. Ds seems ok, i kept checking on him til he fell asleep and he has no marks (yet)to be honest he seemed rather nonplussed, not that that changes anything. I just cant believe this has happened.

Chubfuddler Wed 29-May-13 05:41:17

Yes you need to end the relationship. Where he goes really isnt your concern. He's just crying for himself, he's been found out as an arsehole. He expected you to tolerate this. I'm so glad you won't.

antsypants Wed 29-May-13 05:41:25

You are not overreacting.

Sometimes even when your child is maturing, they need parented and protected, your instincts are correct, and your son will have more respect for you and be more assured that you love and respect him for making this decision.

Think of it this way, if you had been out and a grown man had grabbed your 13 year old child around the throat and sworn at him, do you think your reaction would have been any less decisive.

Any man capable of violently attacking and screaming at a child would not be in my house, full stop.

Rulesgirl Wed 29-May-13 05:41:38

Mmmm...not nice for you but at the end of the day, they are your kids and although he lives there too, he has overstepped the mark.

Chubfuddler Wed 29-May-13 05:42:23

And I think you should consider repotting this to the police.

Morgause Wed 29-May-13 05:42:26

Get him out.

You are not overreacting.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 29-May-13 05:44:24

You do have to end this relationship, your fiancée is an abuser with an anger problem. It is totally unacceptable behaviour from him and I imagine that he displays other abusive behaviours too.
You must protect your son, not only physically but emotionally, allowing this abuser to stay in the house or in a relationship with you would tell your DS that he is second best and unimportant.
You're doing the right thing.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:48:14

phew i knew in my guts i was not overreacting, what worried me a lot was that he wasn't even sorry. i am gutted that the relationship has ended in this way as apart from this incident things were fantastic, but once is once too many, i cant risk it happening again. he has been begging me that it wont happen again but frankly, i don't believe him.

i fear i will need some hand holding over the next few weeks as i adjust to single life. i just hope my poor son is not too scared/upset by it. we are going to a pottery cafe tomorrow, just me and DS so I will try and talk to him about it then, and explain that DF wont be coming back.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 05:48:48

what are the other abusive behaviours?

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 06:02:06

ah have found a list on the womens aid website. he can be jealous and likes to know where i am at all times, often phoning me whilst i am out to 'make sure i am ok' and he doesn't seem to like it when my friends come over. And he definitly did this after the events of last night:

'Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.' so yeah. not so perfect after all confused

WarmFuzzyFun Wed 29-May-13 06:18:58

You are a great mother.

It is the right decision. Well done.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 06:30:22

thanks warmfuzzyfun but i dont feel like a great mother, i feel like a fool, this guy seemed like a real safe bet, yet he is not.Maybe there were warning signs? i am thinking back and he has been a bit snappy with the kids and me lately but then if i spoke to him about it he said he was not being snappy in his tone.yet more denial.

i am going to stay single til the kids have moved out i think. Its just too much to cope with , i would always be worried that a future boyfriend would flip out like whats happened last night. I still cant get an answer from the domestic violence helpline, its meant to be a 24 hour number.

both our names are on the tenancy aggreement. i am worried i will have a battle to get him to leave.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 29-May-13 06:56:10

Don't think too far in advance about staying single etc...you never know what is round the corner.

For now, just concentrate on getting rid of this one.

I think you may be right in that I don't think he's going to make it easy for you. But he has to go.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 07:03:04

thanks thebirds thats sound advice, one day at a time is enough for me at the moment. I must remember that. i am actually quite ill at the moment and don't know how i will manage as he is/was my carer. I cant face a battle for the tenancy of the house. i suppose if it comes to it me and the kids can go and stay with my mum. I just dont want them (ex DF and DS) under the same roof ever again as it would not be right by DS.

I am hoping he will be gone (to his parents) when we come back from pottery today. he is asleep on the sofa at the moment. both DS's are upstairs asleep. I will wake them up in a bit, get dressed quickly and take them out for breakfast before pottery to minimise any time with exDF. tried the womens aid helpline again, still no answer.

AnyFucker Wed 29-May-13 07:31:46

Yes, you are right, you need to put your sons first and end this relationship

TimidLivid Wed 29-May-13 10:32:02

It was over such a minor thing , what about when you son gets older maybe has a bit of real rebellion going on, if that treatment is justified for being cheeky. What would ur df do if your son really kicked off like teenagers sometimes do. Sounds like df wouldent be able to respond appropriately. Like he is not cut out for the stresses of family life and sees your son as another big man in his house not the child that he is.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 17:27:46

well i have come home and he has gone,leaving a note saying he has nowhere to stay as of friday. (not my problem) i just cant stop crying

StuffezLaYoni Wed 29-May-13 17:30:12

It must be horrible for you, but you know you've done the only responsible thing. Nobody forced him to assault your son, and if you'd let him get away with it you'd have been sending your son the explicit message that he is less important than your partner.
I hope your day out has been nice xx

AnyFucker Wed 29-May-13 17:42:03

Have a good cry and then give yourself a pat on the back for making it abundantly clear that some bloke is not more important than your children

He left you no choice, love

MadBusLady Wed 29-May-13 17:42:21

You've acted quickly and decisively and put your DS first despite the difficulties it causes you, and he WILL notice that. So don't feel guilty that you made a mistake - you corrected it as soon as it became obvious.

On another note, you must have the most terrifically well-adjusted and lovely 13yo boy if he likes going to pottery cafes with you! I thought they were all in the ignore-and-grunt stage by then.

Mumsnet's page on housing rights.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 29-May-13 17:44:29

I'm sorry mrslincoln it must be so tough. You've done the right thing, for you and your family.

aroomofherown Wed 29-May-13 17:50:53

I would consider reporting this to the police as it might make it easier to get him off he tenancy agreement if you have evidence.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 18:08:21

thank you everyone, i just spoke to womens aid (at last!) and they also suggested reporting it to the police on the 101 number so i will do that. we had a great time at the pottery place, both my sons came along and they both loved it. i had to work really hard to hold it together whilst we were there but i did it.

his note goes on to say that he only ever wanted to look after me and he tried his best and he is sorry if he dissapointed me. there is no mention of the incident or an apology for DS. the p.s states that he will be back next week for the rest of his stuff.

i will need to arrange with him when he comes to collect his stuff as obviously i dont want DS's seeing him and i would like another adult here whilst he is here.

he still has his key,which is worrying. i have locked the door on the inside so he can't get his key in the lock from the outside.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 18:12:21

thanks madbuslady for the info.

Succoria Wed 29-May-13 18:17:20

If it were me I would leave his stuff outside on the street, frankly. But I'm impetuous and irrational like that. Yes, having another adult (preferably an enormous rough looking man) there is a very good idea.

You absolutely did the right thing for you and your family. Don't doubt yourself for one second. You have been very brave and very strong.

mrslincoln Wed 29-May-13 18:23:43

unfortunatly the only enormous rough man i know is his best mate. there is a distinct lack of men in our family and i am quite isolated and don't know anyone around here. i wonder if i can hire a burly man for the afternoon, maybe a 'man and van' type.
i dont feel brave or strong, i cant stop crying and shaking and have a terrible headache.

mrslincoln Thu 30-May-13 14:28:41

well i spoke to the police and they said that my son has to do the reporting as he is the victim, so DS is considering it. a referall to social services was made so i had to see them today. they are satisfied that i am keeping the kids safe but will do a full assesment in about 10 days or so. I am going to court tomorrow to get an occupation order to get his name taken off the tenancy agreement so its all getting sorted out. his stuff is still here. i am going to put it all in the garage and he can collect it from the garage so he doesn't need to come into the house and i dont need to be here when he comes.

Wow - well done for getting all those things sorted out.
You seem to be thinking very clearly which is great.
You will go through a lot of emotions soon though, so be prepared. Keep posting for support. There are some great women on here who can help you with any advice or hand holding you may need.

lookingfoxy Thu 30-May-13 14:43:50

You have done absolutely the right thing. I was a full time step parent for 6 years from age 11 to 17. NEVER once did I come close to anything like this with my stepson, this sounds like normal teenage behavior from your son whilst might be annoying is part of life with kids this age.
What on earth would your ex be like when your son starts wanting to try alcohol and girlfriends, you should give yourself a pat on the back.

itreallyhappened Thu 30-May-13 14:49:00

You're a fantastic mother. Well done

BoreOfWhabylon Thu 30-May-13 14:55:25

You are indeed a fantastic mother. Never doubt it for a second.

MadBusLady Thu 30-May-13 15:05:36

mrslincoln you have kicked ass!

PeppermintPasty Thu 30-May-13 15:07:36

Well, my god. My heart swelled at your actions. Never doubt yourself. You are marvellous for protecting your son and making it clear to him how important he is to you.

Please come on here if you feel upset or wobbly, it's completely understandable.

I feel some ridiculous type of pride or something. Bonkers I know smile

LesserOfTwoWeevils Thu 30-May-13 15:12:11

You've done brilliantly and your DSs will never forget the power of their mother's love.
Amazed by your strength and clarity.

BlingLoving Thu 30-May-13 15:13:45

I don't usually post about these kind of isues but I also just want to say how amazing I think you are. You have stopped it cold, before it escalated and before any permanent damage has been done. Well done.

You deserve a massive round of applause and you should feel proud of yourself.

Godo luck. It will be hard sometiems, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

FauxFox Thu 30-May-13 15:25:39

mrslincoln you rock! I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you start to feel alot better with this man out of your life x

Oscalito Thu 30-May-13 15:41:47

wow. you are amazing. lucky children to have a mum like you.

meddie Thu 30-May-13 16:13:10

Fantastic response. So nice to see someone being so decisive and doing the right thing. Your Son will always remember how his mum immediately chose his safety above staying with an angry man. He might not appreciate it at the moment but it matters.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Thu 30-May-13 16:30:24

MrsLincoln without wishing to be patronising - I'm proud of you. Truly, well done. You have been strong and decisive and so has your son.

mamaslatts Thu 30-May-13 16:38:29

Also think you have set a brilliant example to your sons. They now know that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated and is not acceptable. their future partners should thank you.

AnyFucker Thu 30-May-13 16:39:38

Well done, you brilliant woman

rumbelina Thu 30-May-13 16:52:51

This must be absolutely awful for you. Well done for seeing it through.

mrslincoln Thu 30-May-13 20:24:58

thank you so much for all your messages of support, means a lot to me. i was starting to doubt myself but now i feel better. have got court in the morning, have chosen a black outfit ( my funeral outfit) my son got really upset earlier but he is ok now. he seemed to think it was his fault! i explained to him that it wasnt his fault at all and that its for the best. things will be ok, i keep telling myself. i went to my GP today and got some diazepam so am feeling better, as my bipolar was kicking off. i have a male friend coming over tomorrow to take away all of exfiancees stuff. i have just announced on fb that the relatio0nship is over.

lollydollydrop Thu 30-May-13 20:31:37

What a strong lady. This is inspirational. I just cried for you MrsLincoln (with pride). Wow.

catfourfeet Thu 30-May-13 23:35:06

Hi "mrs lincoln"
Hope DS can get some sleep, and you can to.
Top marks from mumsnet.
Here if you need me.
B.

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 06:38:12

thanks B he is asleep now despite being very upset earlier. i am just worried that he is scarred for life now or something. will update on the court action later. i haven't slept again despite wine. i don't think i will until the court thing is done and i feel safe again.

something2say Fri 31-May-13 06:51:40

Hello well done, hard as it is, you have definitely done the right thing in so many ways.

Ending it...
Reporting it...
Letting SS know...
Getting the order...
Getting his stuff out of the house into the garage...
Can you get the locks changed?

What are your plans re contact now? Is he going to harass you do you think? Let us know if so as we can advise there....

But mostly just well done. It is not acceptable at all and would likely have got worse over time.

Re your son, expect some behaviour. Reward with more love and firmer boundaries, and be clear that the results are about your ex's actions. Nothing to do with your son. Consequences.

Huge hug and good luck today. What are you going to do afterwards? A treat of some sort?

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 07:20:20

thank you something2say, i should be getting his key back via the court today. as it is i have locked the main door from the inside and am using the other door, for which he doesnt have a key to.
what scares me is that my ex is a 2nd dan karate champoin and could do serious harm if he wanted to, and he said after the event that he was 'holding back' very sinister in my opinion.

am going for a coffee afterwards with my shelter support worker, i expect cake will be involved.

i would just like to say that it is because of mumsnet i have done all these things. i have been a member on and off for a while and have posted before about my narc ex (the kids dad). mumsnet showed me what is and what is not acceptable and the biggest turning point was someone recommending the 'living with the dominator' book to me about a year ago. so thank you mumsnet you may just have saved a life or three and that is no exaggeration

Just caught up with this. Respect to mrs L. flowers

rumbelina Fri 31-May-13 08:50:21

Good luck today!

jessjessjess Fri 31-May-13 11:13:47

You rock. You absolutely flipping rock. You are a great mum and have been so strong.

I wish my mum had been like you. Sadly she preferred to live in denial.

mrslincoln Fri 31-May-13 15:52:45

just a quick update, went to court this morning and got an emergency occupation order preventing him from coming near the house or serving 'notice to quit.' am back in court tuesday for another hearing as ex df will be served this pm. i got emergency legal aid which i am so grateful for. i feel safer now and hopefully will sleep better tonight. my son seems a bit better today but is still very quiet.

thank you so much all of you for your support and words of encouragement

Wow mrslincoln this thread is a fantastic birthday present - I love hearing stories about strong women and yours is inspiring. I have bipolar as well so I know it can be a struggle, so many things can be triggers, but you are amazing. Your DS is lucky.

Veryunsure Fri 31-May-13 18:30:06

Yes it's time to end this relationship, your son deserves to feel safe in his own home. So sorry this has happened to you and your son

Peanutbutterfingers Fri 31-May-13 18:45:16

You rock. You do. You really do. Well done for keeping it together and doing all the right things to protect your children. You're an inspiration

DS won't be scarred for life. Keep talking to him, reassuring him it's not his fault. He was assaulted by someone you trusted. You took immediate action. He will know he is loved and he is the most important. Stay strong lovely xx

CrispyHedgeHog Fri 31-May-13 18:53:28

You are an absolute bloody star!!!
Here's to a wonderful, peaceful new life wine

You really are a wonderful woman. You acted immediately and did the right thing for your child. Thank you for putting your child first. Well done. You are well rid of this man.

MummyOfSunbeam Sun 02-Jun-13 22:37:41

You are amazing. Your son must feel so cherished and protected. Truly you are brilliant .

RiotsNotDiets Sun 02-Jun-13 22:46:57

Wow MrsL you rock! Your sons are very lucky!

mrslincoln Sun 02-Jun-13 23:32:05

wow thank you for all your positive encouragement! i feel more confident now that i have done the right thing. thank you all of you who have replied and were there for me when i was scared and alone

Hissy Sun 02-Jun-13 23:44:04

Dear god woman, you really are awesome!

Every move has been faultless!

What a remarkable mother you are, a real woman, an inspiration.

Whatever support you need over the coming days/weeks/months, you just say?

mrslincoln Mon 03-Jun-13 18:40:28

i will do thanks

catfourfeet Sun 09-Jun-13 18:36:16

An I ask for a shout out for mrs Lincoln

She is a friend irl and even with all that she has going on has taken the time to look after me.

I am very , very down ATM and she has come over and got my 4 kids fed, tidied up and sorted their school clothes for tomorrow.

From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU mrs Lincoln

MrsKitty Sun 09-Jun-13 19:07:25

Mrslincoln, you are a wonderful mother, and a wonderful person. Your son will look back and know, forever, that he is and will always be the most important person in your heart and your life, and as a child, and as an adult, that is a wonderful thing, I think. I wouldn't know - I wish my own mother had been half as brave and decisive as you have been.

Well done - I think you're fab.

mrslincoln Fri 14-Jun-13 09:03:27

aw thank you mrskitty and thank you catfourfeet it was a pleasure to come over and help you and i would do it any time day or night, your'e a great friend to me

TalkativeJim Fri 14-Jun-13 09:15:48

What a star you are mrslincoln!

whitesugar Sat 15-Jun-13 11:08:29

Mrs L - you are a total legend - as my teenagers would say. you should be very proud of yourself! When my EXH assaulted my 13 year old DS the police told me I could report it. This saved my DS doing so & given that he was really conflicted, it meant that the assault was reported. The PPS didn't take it on but that was due to administrative error, long story but due to communication error between DS in child protection & police at station.

It was reported though which was crucial when EXH assaulted my 16 year old DD. He got adult caution because I didn't want my DD to have to go to court. Police were fantastic, WPC told me police wanted stiffer sentence but understood my DD doing GCSE & didn't need stress of court.

Both DC know now that assault is not acceptable even if it is within family. They have also learned that if they ever assault anyone they may face criminal proceedings. It's a tough but very valuable lesson.

My son seemed non plussed about incident but ended up in trouble at school for throwing a chair & being rude to a teacher. Luckily his form teacher listened to him & DS cried & told him about assault. He seemed fine but it was an act. It's really hard to tell with teenage boys as you know. The subject is an open topic in our house and I frequently check in with him. Funnily enough he he told his friends who told him that the same thing happened to them.

Well done for being a legend, your DC won't forget it!

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