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Please help me stop my anger over divorce getting the better of me

(66 Posts)
SoBloodyAngry Sun 26-May-13 23:15:32

It's almost a year since STBXH left DS and I for OW. He has shown not once ounce of remorse and in fact openly gloats to anyone (including me) about his fantastic new life.

He only sees DS when the OW has other plans and as soon as the sun is shining, he's nowhere to be seen. Any complaints i make about this are met with letters from his solicitor about me causing trouble by using DS a emotional blackmail.The divorce is hell and he's successfully getting away with paying us only the bare minimum despite his big city salary.

Trouble is I'm finding my anger towards this man getting the better of me and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm daydreaming about him getting run over by a bus and such like and I appreciate that this just isn't healthy. He knows exactly what buttons to push and find myself at times shaking with such pure anger that I feel I am going to explode.

What the hell can I do to stop him getting to me like this? I want to not give a flying shit about this man but it is all so bloody unfair. Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure? When do they get to feel a tiny bit of the absolute hell and devastation that they cause? I want him to pay for what he has done and all he gets its a pat on the back for being 'brave enough' to leave a relationship that was clearly not keeping him happy.

I feel like I'm going insane, please help!

jynier Mon 27-May-13 00:11:40

SBA - You are not going insane; you are having a perfectly natural reaction to the betrayal by your H and the loss of your plans for the future together!

I am not the best person to advise anyone but stay on here and MNs will soon rally round - best wishes and good luck! Try and have a good night's sleep! x

PurpleThing Mon 27-May-13 00:21:16

I don`t think this helps but I feel the same.

I just try and focus on the good things, not having to put up with his crap all day, closer with ds, free to do what I want.

Lweji Mon 27-May-13 07:00:59

The first thing is to try and rise above the anger towards him and be thankful the twunt is out of your life.

However, I think I'd be writing a letter to his solicitor about the emotional impact of his neglect everytime he misses contact times.
And every time the children need something, such as new clothes.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:26:38

And this is exactly why I am contemplating gritting my teeth and putting up with "my" dickhead for a bit longer.
I can just imagine every scrap of child support would need to be fought for, everything I asked for deemed unreasonable.
It's really hard but I guess you have to wait for the day when your son is old enough to realise who the good parent was and is thankful for that.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:28:07

If he tries to gloat, slam the door in his face - if you happen to catch his nose/fingers/balls that's a bonus

purplewithred Mon 27-May-13 07:39:13

Perfectly reasonable to be angry and fantasise about him Coming to a humiliating and painful end. Personally I think it's quite healthy allow yourself a bit of a vent while the pressure is on, and not to bottle it up.

The best bit of advice I had was Do Not Engage. Separate from him as much as possible, minimise all contact, keep it formal, keep it logical and rational. Focus elsewhere. Like Mosman says, the world will be his judge and the world doesn't think much of people who treat their Dcs badly.

And Mosman, the sooner you get on with it the sooner you will be out the other side.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 07:55:45

grin

BalloonSlayer Mon 27-May-13 08:26:21

His comeuppance will be that his DS will realise in time that his father couldn't be bothered with him. And Ex will have virtually no relationship with the fine young man that you will raise by yourself.

You have tried to get him to see more of his son. You got accused of emotional blackmail. So stop trying. You've done your bit. DS does not need a twunt like that in his life.

Cut off all contact as much as you can. Only contact him by email, about contact with DS.

Don't engage in conversation or give him any other opportunities to gloat - tbh I would be thinking perhaps he "doth protest too much" - people that go out of their way to go on and on at how fab things are for them are probably only trying to convince themselves.

If other people say to you "I hear Ex has got a new blahdeblah" just hold up your hand and say, "I'm really not interested." Fake it till you make it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 08:32:54

The phrase is 'don't get mad, get even'.... so do you have your own solicitor? Why is he getting away with the bare minimum? Why is he allowed to play fast and loose with the contact arrangements?

BalloonSlayer Mon 27-May-13 08:33:04

There was a psychological study many years back that got people who were thinking of buying a new car to rate models of cars on the market.

After they had bought their new car, they got them to rate them again.

They always rated the car they actually chose higher after they had bought it than they did before they bought it.

This is because people feel the need to validate their own decisions. They so much wanted to have made the right decision that they convinced themselves that the car they had chosen was miles better than all the others, even though before they had bought it they rated it much more realistically.

Similarly, when people like your Ex screw other people over and wreck lives, they have to convince themselves (and everyone else, but mainly themselves) that the new life they have got for themselves is so so SO much worth breaking hearts and having everyone think they are a shit. Because otherwise they might have to admit they made a dreadful mistake, thrown away their loving family for nothing, and yes they actually are a shit, and that ain't ever going to happen, is it?

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 08:41:33

I understand completely.

Things that helped me -

- being thankful every day that I didn't live with him anymore
- keeping any contact to the bare minimum, curt and business like
- stopping trying to 'fix' him by being nice to him. This was a biggie. I thought that if I was as reasonable as possible ex would reciprocate. Big mistake. Letting go of that idea really helped.
- allowing myself to be angry and knowing it was a perfectly reasonable emotion to be feeling
- allowing myself the occasional ' run over by a bus' fantasy

I focused on my DC, other family and friends and made a point of being busy as I could be out with work hours.

It is not easy, it is not fun but you will get there. As ballonslayer says you may have to fake it but eventually it will be real.

2712 Mon 27-May-13 08:49:31

This is exactly the reason so many of us teeter so long on the edge before leaving as we can see what's ahead of us, and it ain't pretty.
I keep that saying in my head "What goes around, comes around" and I know that my DCs will eventually see what an arse their father is without any intervention from myself.
Keep strong OP, this will happen with your DS too.

lalloooooo Mon 27-May-13 08:54:57

Feel exactly the same... So consumed by anger. Reading this carefully and taking notes.

lalloooooo Mon 27-May-13 08:55:09

thanks

Detach as far as possible - no texts, no phone calls, no emails. Set contact times, get someone else to be at the house to do handover - leave if he doesn't show up within 15 minutes (and don't tell your son that contact is happening until your ex pulls up - that way he can't be disappointed).

Being angry is a completely normal emotion, enjoy your fantasies - they will lessen eventually.

Until you feel it, practise indifference - not rage, not being nice, indifference.

And get a good solicitor to get the maximum money for supporting your son - it's for him, it's not vindictive no matter what your ex says.

He won't be around much so you have to make sure you get the maximum amount.

lemonstartree Mon 27-May-13 09:11:14

Sorry for you troubles.

I agree, detach. If at all possible do not see him - can anyone else do handovers? y kids ae old enough that I drop them at the end of their Dads road and he drops them outside mine. We do not see one anther at all. Contact is by email only except in an emergency. It helps (alot)

Once you don't have the trigger 'in your face' all the time, I think you will be able to process your feelings better and let go of you anger

AND, you need a bloody good lawyer. Fight for your (and most importantly DS's ) financial security. Don't let him have it all his own way....

it WILL get better

lst x

mrsspratt Mon 27-May-13 09:21:03

Sobloody I am in a similar situation but six months further on from you. My Ex isn't as much as a knobber as yours, but things like contact are on his terms. The things that help me are:

I like the moral high ground-It's better than revenge!
I live with my children and see them a lot more than him so our relationship has become closer
I am now relieved that I don't have to live with him so I don't have to deal with the grumpy old git's sulks
As they get older the children make their own judgments about him, they see him `warts and all'

Oh, I am just about to start doing boxercise- to put those under a bus thoughts to good use!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 09:29:41

"Where is the punishment they get for destroying families for their own personal persuit of pleasure?"

NEWSFLASH! There is no 'punishment', no 'karma', no 'what goes around comes around', no 'natural justice' etc. The world does not stop turning for selfish people, and they rarely wake up one morning thinking 'what have I done?' ... because everything they do is for them and, as long as it's someone else holding the shitty end of the stick and not them, they're good. The thinking process is 'I'm winning and she's losing, therefore I'm happy'

I think the frustration you're feeling is coming to terms with the above. So rather than waiting or hoping for horrible things to happen to them (which is stooping to their level, let's face it) focus on making your life as good as it can be. A shit hot solicitor solves a multitude of sins as well. smile

comingintomyown Mon 27-May-13 10:15:15

I have been there and heres what I did

Quietly go about making sure you receive a fair financial settlement, at no point throw the towel in on this or resentment will fester away until your DS 18

Read several self help/divorce books to whizz me through the recovery process

Remember that the "solution" to all the pain and anger would be to be with him again and no way did I want that so therefore I would have to accept the pain and anger

Call to mind the way I was treated and all the positives about no longer having him in my life.

I agree with Cogito in that there wont be any karma as such, people said to me Oh it wont last with ow but it has for almost 4 years now and xh seems happy as Larry. Its interesting though I have wondered if what Balloonslayer said is true in this case as he would never want to admit his decision to leave was wrong

budgieshell Mon 27-May-13 10:30:37

This is all good advice and the best revenge is your own happiness.

Look to the future, try and let go of as much of the past as you can.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 10:37:12

I think Balloonslayer's philosophy is a version of sour grapes, unfortunately. We'd love to think, as the injured party, that our replacement will not shape up but that's just wounded pride talking. The new relationship may or may not succeed and the ex may or may not have regrets but there's damn all we can do about it. smile

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 10:44:08

That's so true Cogito. It's all about letting go of the idea that you can have any kind of influence over the ex for good or bad.

My ex treated me very badly. He is remarried, happy and very successful in his career. But what can you do?

In a lot of ways I'm quite pleased about it because it makes DS's life easier. I'm not a saint though so do grind my teeth about it from time to time.

Basically it's his life not mine and I am very, very glad I'm no longer part of it.

Getting the practicalities properly sorted is important though.

Selba Mon 27-May-13 10:53:14

Absolutely agree with cogito's news flash above.
People do nasty stuff and totally get away with it, and there is no karma, no " what goes around ..." Etc.

Maybe he is happy as Larry, and will be forever. Maybe not. But there is no cosmic force guaranteeing him his comeuppance so don't waste energy thinking there is.

Be glad you are rid of him and as everyone else says, disengage!

He is a selfish git and wherever he goes he will be in the company of a selfish git! You won't - the OW has done you a favour by taking the selfish git off your hands. She is now the proud partner of a selfish git (lucky her) and you are now free to live a life of your choosing when the time is right.

Enjoy life with your lovely DS and feel pity for your Ex who doesn't know what he is missing - and get your fair share of maintenance as well.

verygentlydoesit Mon 27-May-13 10:56:25

I'm afraid to admit that I agree with Cogito, I don't want her to be right (nothing personal, just that the karma story sounds fairer), but she is. I think it's a tricky thing to come to terms with, but it's well worth doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 11:14:11

"I'm not a saint though so do grind my teeth about it from time to time."

I literally haven't seen my ex since the day he left and what grape-vine there was has withered away because it's been so long now. But I know he's successful, married to the 'OW', has a couple of kids and a nice lifestyle in a swanky part of London. All things we planned to do. When things look tough I occasionally grind my teeth and think 'she's living my life' but then I sit down with a brew and remember what an utter arse the man was in so many rich and varied ways.... and smile.

SoBloodyAngry Mon 27-May-13 11:18:16

Thank you everyone so much, I scare myself sometimes with the strength of the anger that rises up inside me when I have to deal with this man. I don't ever think I've had such strong emotions about anything like this before and I think I'm also so frustrated that its wasted on this pathetic creature.

My solicitor is doing all he can to get my fair share but ex is no fool and has disposed of bonus payments etc via 'legitimte debt'. Even the letters from his solicitor have me climbing the walls as they accuse me of being difficult and stirring up trouble rather than being 'flexible'.

Sorry to hear there are so many of us in the same boat, at least we have MN to help point us in the right direction and know that we are not alone and clinically insane.

I think I'm going to have to find a way of totally cutting him out of my life, I have been trying to do the 'polite and courteous' thing for DS but at the moment it's doing more harm than good. I feel selfish myself for putting my feelings in front of what is best of DS but I fear that if it continues I may do something I'll regret at a later date.

Hello So

Sadly I have been and continue to be in your situation. My ex-H left me unexpectedly for OW (I was in middle of IVF), pays minimum, hugely difficult about everything (2 years later ongoing legal letters about various things) and with added twist I'm stranded on other side of world.

Things that I wish I had done/help me now are:-

1. Don't get bullied by his solicitor (access to $$ to spend money on intimidating). Easier said than done but I rolled over and died on a few key issues as did not at that point have the fight or money to spend on it. Wish I had.

2. The hardest thing to get my head around is that there is no 'better' side of him/history of our family to appeal to. The person I knew has gone. It has taken me 2 years to realise this and stop being emotional in my dealings/interaction with him.

3. Have a 24 hour rule if you are phone/text/email in contact - ie don't respond to anything until you have sat on it to let anger to settle and be considered.

4. Sounds dramatic but read key passages of the 'art of war'. This has helped me reign in my natural inclination to rush into things and think that he has best interests of DS.

5. This is hard. But resolve he has taken the life you expected to have but he will not take the life you can have. This isn't going to happen over night but it has taken me SO long to realise that i'm actually dealing with the 'enemy' here.

6. Concur with consensus on karma BUT take some comfort in the fact that it is a sign of insecurity/weakness to want to rub things in to the person left behind. My ex does this ALL the time. Simple logistical email about football is met with 'can't do that as DS really enjoys spending time with his family and his brother (OW son - not his technical brother) and I now have to send all emails to OWnameandexHname @....email....used to INFURIATE me, now I think how sad that you are spending energy on telling me how happy you are. If I am as happy again, as I hope to be, I certainly won't be wasting any time on telling ex H. I'll must live it.

7. Finally managed anger can propel you thought. One of my favourite quotes is Maya Angelou "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean"...use it wisely.

Huge love
Dolly

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 11:33:41

What's best for DS is you feeling strong and confident. If that means being true to yourself, not putting on a brave face & cutting out Dad for all but essential communications, that's how it has to be. If Dad CBA keeping in contact, if he makes life difficult, then he has to ultimately take responsibility for the impact that has on his relationship with his child. I don't know how old your DS is but children are not daft.... they see things, hear things and, above all, they can spot when someone's being fake.

MissAnnersley Mon 27-May-13 11:45:31

I love that quote from Maya Angelou dolly.

noxius Mon 27-May-13 11:57:30

Your anger is natural and understandable. Trite to say, but it will get easier.

Agree about cutting contact. Don't engage with the man, let your solicitor deal with everything. Distance yourself as much as possible, let somebody else (if possible) do the/any handovers so you don't have to see him.

ivykaty44 Mon 27-May-13 12:09:16

all the people that have told you to detach are giving wonderful advise grin

if he is able to push bottoms then you are engaging with him - either by phone, text, or on the doorstep - stop

if he doesn't want to see his dc - then that is his problem. I would get your own solicitor to wrote a letter stating you want him to have regular contact every other weekend friday through till monday and not keep letting dc down by not turning up etc.

Then build your own life- meet friend, look for clubs to join that run at weekends - ok so you miss one weekend but still go along and meet new people.

Think of things you and dc can do together any joint interests? karate, running, cycling (plenty of cycling clubs around) book clubs or start an adult and junior book club yourself.

By the time you have put so much energy into your own life and made it fantastic - you will not have the time or energy to be angry at - who was it you were angry with whats his name?

skyeskyeskye Mon 27-May-13 15:00:12

hate is the other side of love. the thing to aim for is indifference. I'm still not there yet, but will be one day. It's been 12 months since XH walked out with no warning after excessive contact with OW. OW is still with her H, XH is still obsessed with her.

I have dreams of karma, of her dumping him and him realising that he fucked his whole life up. This may or may not happen. What I do know for sure is that XH is up to his eyes in debt. This doesnt make me happy, but it proves that I did the right thing by divorcing him so quickly.

I reply to emails instantly. XH can take up to three weeks or never. This infuriates me. Yet I dont reply to ONE text from him to speak to DD, so he doesnt ring her at all and its all MY fault, because there was no point in him trying again.... - after one missed text..... talk about giving up easily.....

I was accused of being awkward and difficult for not having DD back on one of his weekends, so that he could go out with OW for her birthday I wasn't home myself..... I have come to realise that whatever I do, I am branded unreasonable, awkward and difficult, so there is no point in trying to be nice about anything.

i agree with no contact. I put all DD's things outside the door and XH just picks her up, I don't see him at all, or speak to him. We communicate by text and email.

I wasted too much energy on XH, trying to get him to reply to emails, answer questions, pick up and drop off on time..... at the end of the day, my DD will one day realise what a twat her father is.

as for karma, well I'm still hopeful that his life will fall apart. That will probably be my fault too, even if its in a few years time grin

so stay strong, resolve to get a good deal on the house or whatever finances there are to sort out. Keep contact to a minimum, keep emails/texts to the point. make sure that you go to the CSA to ensure that you are getting the money that you are entitled to. It should be £12% of his gross salary for one child, increases for more children. He can still pay you directly if thats what he is doing now.

ivykaty - push bottoms ?? grin grin

Selba Mon 27-May-13 15:35:08

dolly, that's a great post and I got angry at number 6 on your behalf!

You've had some brilliant advice on here, and I will only repeat what others have said - try to detach yourself as much as you can.

I'm currently going through a messy divorce with my H. I've just had his baby. He's with OW, who has also had his baby in December. shock He has been an absolute bastard.

However, one thing I've learnt over the last few months is whilst I can't change him, I can change the way I respond to him. Which for me has been to ignore him. He has been constantly texting me, emailing me, sending me cards during the last few months, and all this was inevitably 'getting' to me. Several months ago I decided to ignore everything he sent and have only had contact through a solicitor. It was hard, but very soon the power I felt was worth it. These men want to hurt you, they want to goad you, they want to gloat. My H has hated the fact that I have ignored him. Yes he still pisses me off enormously and I still have dreams about bad things happening to him, BUT I will never ever give him the satisfaction of him knowing this.

Also agree with the comment about Karma too sadly.

PenelopePortrait Mon 27-May-13 16:55:02

Some great advice here.

Dolly so agree re your points, especially the solicitor. It absolutely enraged me together those letters saying that I was lying, being difficult and he was a bloody saint who only wanted what he was entitled to. It was my bloody money and my house he wanted! In the end I gave up/caved in, couldn't fight anymore. It was a relief thought - at the time.

X even emailed my DM telling her how difficult I was and how he only wanted the best for everyone. She was bloody apoplectic with rage and emailed him putting him straight. I would love her to bump into him, even now - that would be karma.

I don't have any contact, ignored his texts and emails. It 's over 4 years now. On the whole I would say I am indifferent, just now and again hate creeps in.

jynier Mon 27-May-13 22:23:07

dolly - have been a huge admirer of Maya Angelou for years and years; heard her on Desert Island Discs not too long ago and was deeply moved by her level-headedness and lack of hatred!

However, believe that (for many of us) bitterness and anger are linked, especially when we have suffered huge betrayal and loss so the quote doesn't work for me (sadly)!

SBA - sincerely hope that you are feeling a bit better! Best wishes, x

springymater Mon 27-May-13 22:56:38

I relate totally to what you're saying. I had vivid fantasies of torturing my husband - it got me off to sleep! It was relaxing and soothing....

However, I had extensive contact with my ex, who went to great lengths to goad me etc. The main point of contact was our children. He wasn't at all interested in a relationship with them and predictably blocked my attempts to facilitate a relationship between them. Then he realised he could wind me up better/have more access to me through the children, so he got on to that with gusto.

I was so angry sometimes my body quaked on the inside. I realise now that the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother. He just tortured me (hence my torture fantasies??) and he enjoyed the power of it <<quake>>. I was an idiot to force a relationship between him and the children imo.

Find a way to let the anger out. It's there for a reason, you can't stuff it down, it'll find a way out. I found hitting a baseball bat on the bed/cushions so therapeutic to express the anger, through my body. Perhaps kick-boxing or something very physical would do the same thing = lance the anger. You have been deeply, deeply hurt - and continue to be deeply, deeply hurt. Allow the anger for now until the time it starts to ease. You can't rush it imo.

this all happened to me a long time ago. I can't agree with other posters about 'karma' etc. I used to think it was bullshit, platitudes to help people cope with the injustice of life. I suppose I've been around long enough to see that you really do reap what you sow. My evil ex reaped what he had sown. By the time he did, I didn't care. I even felt sorry for him in a distant way.

The best thing is to go no contact. Make this your aim to effect this to the very best of your ability. re If his shit isn't constantly in your face, with him rubbing salt in the wound, you don't get a chance to recover: insult on injury. If you get a break from him, you get a chance to smooth your feathers and find your centre again.

springymater Mon 27-May-13 22:58:03

imo Maya Angelou didn't get to her lack of hatred overnight. She went through the anger and bitterness of intense injustice and pain.

springymater Mon 27-May-13 23:00:55

got jumbled there re isn't/is

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 28-May-13 09:39:55

There may not be karma, but selfish, immature unreliable men do not suddenly become great guys when they fuck off with another woman. She gets this inferior specimen.

He remains a selfish wanker and I can only hope that men who lack substance like this, are seen for what they are by those who really know them - a form of karma perhaps

These 'starter overs' who do not live up to their promises are a very low life form :-(

I agree with Springy re the sentiment. Trite as it may sound it is a journey to both use and get through the anger. The trick - which is hugely difficult - is to make sure that the anger doesn't become destructive to your own well being.

Personally, and this isn't presented as a learning as everyone is different, but for me, I certainly didn't and have no apologies for the intense anger I felt. Like you at times I was worried about myself in terms of the intensity but I think it is entirely natural. After all, lets not forget I (we) bet our lives on someone and ultimately they betrayed us. Damn frickin straight I was incandescent about being discarded (in my case) with no warning, financially marginalised, forced unwillingly to be a part time parent, forced to scramble to reignite a career in a new country and create a new life at precisely the moment I was least equipped emotionally, physically and financially to do so.

I felt pressure from (his) family and friends to 'get over it' within weeks/ months. I can't tell you how many people who urged me to 'keep hold of your dignity' that is the only thing you have left. Well actually. Fuck that. I didn't do anything 'insane' or 'undignified' per se BUT if my anger expressed in private to select people made people uncomfortable then tough shit. Of COURSE I was/am angry about the life I had chosen, lived and embraced was ripped away. Of COURSE I was pissed off that ex turned into twat and spent the next several year shirking his responsibilities and being a **. I was happy to OWN that anger. IMHO insane not to feel electrically furious about it to make other people more comfortable. But I did learn to talk to those who 'get it' and to train myself to disengage from ex and not fan the flames of my ire. Didn't always happen but I'm a big believer in feeling what you feel till you don't feel it at all.

Huge love
Dolly

and meant to add to those who said my dignity was all I had left. My internal if not external reponse was - and remains - actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that! xx

springymater Wed 29-May-13 14:51:18

actually I have my integrity, humanity, intellect, usual foibles, wit, smarts, frailities and I don't subscribe to reductive phrases like that!

oh yessssss! GO GO GO crappy reductive phrases - G0

<<waves effusive pom-poms>>

<leg kick, leg kick>

<high 5>

startlife Wed 29-May-13 16:35:45

Brilliant, Dolly.

We often feel angry when our boundaries have been violated, lots of violations = lots of anger.

The anger could be the start of your healing but its important to disengage and establish new boundaries so that he doesn't continue to hurt you.

I have found yoga really helpful, it seems to release my creativity so that I can problem solve which helps me to move forward.

SoBloodyAngry Wed 29-May-13 16:40:11

Yes, yes, YES!

If I have to listen to another well meaning relative telling me to me 'rise above it', 'keep your dignity', 'swallow your pride for the sake of your son' and simply just 'let it go' I'm afraid I might just let go of more than they bargained for!

Yes, I know they all speak sense and I truly, honestly wish I could do all those things as i know that ultimately its me that is being eaten away whilst he lives it up, its just that I have this burning desire to see him struck down with cock rot and as cogito said, I'm really struggling with the hideous realisation that it just isn't going to happen.

I can't think of many other aspects of life where you can enter into a contract and just decide one day that its not for you, piss off sticking two fingers up and there is no punishment or come back. Even with a job you have to work a notice period!hmm It's just so wrong and so unfair.

However, I will not let this arse wipe of a man destroy the rest of my life. He has taken a year from me and probably my home too but he is as worthy as a stain on used underwear.

I know I must detach if I have any chance of making progress in pulling my life out of the U bend and I seriously will take onboard all of the fantastic advice. I can't promise that ill stop praying for that rogue bolt of lightning to hit him right between the eyes any time soon though....grin

Personally I think hanging on to some dignity is a very good strategy - don't give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt/upset you are. You might not appreciate it at the moment but you will when you look back and have less cringe making memories than you might have had. It is better to be civil for the sake of your children even if you have to grit your teeth in the process you will feel glad you did in the future - and there will be a time when you look back and feel nothing for him.

That doesn't mean you can't be bloody furious in private and stick pins in an effigy of him - I think you just have to live with the anger and let it find its own way out in time. You feel that someone worthwhile has been taken from you but he isn't and one day you will be glad that he is gone. Hiis treatment of you and your son is not the behaviour of a decent guy and one day you will realise you are well rid.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 18:14:37

Sometimes you have to deliver a short, sharp, slap. NOt roll over and be 'dignified' - which they read as 'weak'. It's not weak, but they're too stupid to see it for what it is. Pearls before swine...

Of course it shouldn't happen in front of the children! That goes without saying. However, if you have no choice but to have to engage with a wanker then it is not always the best thing to channel your Jane Austen. Sometimes Bouddica does the trick.

I always think a good ROAR at an appropriate time and place is good for the soul, personally. Not an anguished roar but a

POWERFUL

R-OOO-AAAA-RRRRRRR

ticktocktammy Wed 29-May-13 19:52:50

When Maya Angelous speaks of injustice and anger she means a people who suffered slavery and centuries of violent social and political oppression and discrimination.. not getting dumped by a BF/ExH.
Think about it.

springymater Wed 29-May-13 20:56:06

Maya Angelou's book of choice on her Desert Island was a book by David Icke. Just saying. Great woman and all that

If you let him see you angry he'll probably think:-

1) She can't live without me. I've got two women mad about me how fantastic am I? - huge ego boost.

2) She is crazy - no wonder I felt the need to look elsewhere - I am totally justified.

It might seem better to express your anger but there is a lot to be said for not letting him get any satisfaction or 'emotional hit' from your pain. The pay off for dignity is in the future - it might seem like an old cliche but there's a reason for it - it's good advice.

As for channeling your inner Jane - with her keen wit and sense of humour she would likely have made mincemeat of an errant spouse so it might be a good ideasmile

IKnowWhat Wed 29-May-13 21:27:36

Ride out the anger.... of course you feel angry, anyone would feel angry in your situation. Can you just do the best you can to manage the anger with the knowledge that IT WILL GET BETTER.

It just takes time.

Maybe it will never go away but I bet it will improve dramatically over the years.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 29-May-13 21:39:15

David icke?

My heroines feet are looking a bit clay like! How could she?

springymater Wed 29-May-13 23:03:55

Who cares what he thinks? He's nobody in this scenario, just a horrible little scrotum. And OP is supposed to be holding in her volcanic, righteous, power-the-universe anger so she doesn't look bad in front of him ??

that, if I may say so, makes no sense to me. Who gives a fuck about his opinion, frankly.

tightfortime Wed 29-May-13 23:17:37

Revenge... Best served looking and feeling fab with a brilliant new life and showing complete and utter indifference. While raging, certainly. Focus on you. Not him.

Ticktok

I think it's clear no one (inc myself) is equating being left by a husband to centuries of political and racial oppression. As is common, I was using a quote to illustrate a point of view. Quotes are rarely used solely in their absolute context (otherwise they would not be quotes). I'm a bit puzzled by the exhortation to 'think about it'.

BringMeTea Thu 30-May-13 06:26:05

Dolly
Of course that was clear. Pay no mind to the muppetry. I have seen some of your previous posts and am full of admiration for your intellgence and wit in the face of extreme adversity.

If he's a 'horrible little scrotum' (and he certainly is) then he's not worth OP's anger. Anger shows that you care and it's pointless showing that you care to a man who has checked out and moved on. The OP is left playing catch up emotionally unfortunately. No contact and reaching the goal of indifference all the way.

It's not to care about what he thinks (I was just pointing out that angry outbursts will serve no purpose - he'll only twist it for his own ends) it's just self protection to put those boundaries up until you really don't care - fake it till you make it. Using the anger to sort out maintenance, housing etc. and making sure to get everything you're entitled to is a much better channel for it at the moment imo.

'Revenge best served looking and feeling fab' - totally agree with that.

whenwillthisbedone Thu 30-May-13 14:49:33

I needed this thread more than anything today! Im 5 months on and my DD has now started spending time with the XP and the OW (my DD BFs mum). She wouldnt speak to me to establish some boundaries and it was all done behind my back!

I sometimes think my anger is drivng me crazy! (made worse by my she has everything thats mine thoughts!)

springymater Thu 30-May-13 17:27:46

Again, who gives a fuck what he thinks? I'm not talking about angst-ridden rage, I'm talking about RAGE. So what if he thinks 'she's nuts'? So what? You don't hve to make a habit of it, just don't fucking hold it in for a slimebag.

((((( whenwillthisbedone )))))

What selfish, selfish, selfish bastards! And how does dd and dd's BF cope with this unbelievably selfish behaviour on the part of their unbelievably selfish father/mother??? angry

She doesn't have your life (though I get what you're saying, of course). She has the lowlife who would do something as low as this.

bats22 Thu 30-May-13 18:26:58

Apparently anger requires physical expression in order to be worked through. When shouting and violence are not practical (always?!), you need to find another outlet. I'm going to try the classic writing an angry letter and then BURNING it. And trampling on the ashes. Not entirely sure this is up to the job, tbh, but worth a go.

I think the problem with anger at the end of a relationship is that it is so normal, so everyday, for relationships to end that the world just expects you to get on with it, even if you've been royally screwed over. You can feel like a stuck record going on about your pain to your friends, which is why counselling is so useful. You can't bore a counsellor with your feelings.

bats22 Thu 30-May-13 18:32:08

What I'm trying to say in a clumsy way is: don't try to stop your anger, aim to express it safely.
That's what I've been told to do anyway!

springymater Thu 30-May-13 18:37:27

apologies for being insistent there ^^ I'd already said that, it didn't need repeating.

whenwillthisbedone Fri 31-May-13 09:29:00

springymater

Thankyou! DD is doing remarkably well she had a small melt down last week at after school when her and her BF had a argument that with quotes such as - my mummy hates your mummy and heartbreakingly my DD replied your mummy stole my Daddy away. I am concerned though as last night she told me her Daddy was now her BFs daddy so i needed to get her a new one - but not for a while as its the best just the two of us!

She is moving schools in a few weeks just to try and get some distance really for both of us as I dont want my DD witnesssing her Dad with her BF or her BF saying your daddy did this with us etc

Her BF seems ok about it all as she is 5 and this is man number 3 in her life.

Its just not the life I wanted for your family! But I think Im more upset that the 'dreams' has been taken and will be lived by someone else rather than the reality that in fact he is a prick!

A1980 Fri 31-May-13 10:04:48

I would be tempted not to divorce the Bastard in these circumstances.

He has no grounds divorce you. If he wants to divorce you he'll have to wait 5 years for the no consent divorce ;)

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