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DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

(118 Posts)
ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:41:23

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

Beamur Sat 25-May-13 21:43:57

He probably wouldn't leave, but perhaps he wants you to see how much he really doesn't want a cat.
Looking at it from the other POV, he's probably pissed off that you're not respecting his wishes.
If your relationship is otherwise fine, don't worry - but don't get the cat, it's not worth all this hassle over.

myroomisatip Sat 25-May-13 21:46:02

Not helpful I know but my Ex would not let us have pets, nada, nothing.

We now have two beautiful, perfect, adorable, purring kittens smile

ElectricSheep Sat 25-May-13 21:48:50

It's a shame but not worth having that much of an argument over imo. Give in graciously OP - may be your DH wants to know he's more important than a pet.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:48:56

but it works both ways... i really want the cat, he's not respecting my opinion by saying no. how do you reach amicable compromises when someone has to 'win' and someone will 'lose'. it feels exactly like a competition.

otherwise things are good. we hardly ever argue, probably why im not sure how to deal with this. he likes to have the last say in things but so do i so we often hit these walls. he usually wins. i suppose im tired of losing.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:49:56

myroom, the key to your sentence is 'my ex'. grin

MikeLitoris Sat 25-May-13 21:50:46

Well me and dp have had a convo like this but the difference was ours was over having another baby.

Even then there was no threats to leave.

Not at all helpful but I would be so tempted to call his bluff* but then again I am a stubborn cow at times.

(*probably not a good idea in reality)

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 21:51:20

Aah the cat is a symbol.

Having a pet, having a child, there's no compromise. You either have it or not. You can't have half a cat.

I hate cats.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:52:02

im not sure its an ego thing. we've never had a pet as we've been in private rental for 5 years. he always knew when we got out of renting i wanted a pet. cats are my ds' fave animal its more for the kids than me.

SirSugar Sat 25-May-13 21:52:45

H never allowed cats, H died, I have two cats

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:53:24

mike, im as stubborn as you. half of me wants to call his bluff. half of me doesn't because i think he's serious.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:54:27

sirsugar, sorry you lost your husband sad

SirSugar Sat 25-May-13 21:54:46

And one of them is driving me crazy tonight, think needy, over affectionate, naughty Siamese boy. I adore him

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:55:31

sounds like my ds grin

Beamur Sat 25-May-13 21:55:50

I sympathise - but the default situation when you both want/don't want something is not to have it.
I'd like another baby, DP does not. We won't be having another.
But the importance of the thing - be it cat/dog/baby - is relative and ultimately you have to decide what is more important to you.
Luckily we're both pretty easy going about pets though and usually have a few on the go grin

SirSugar Sat 25-May-13 21:56:56

He was my H Alovely, not my DH, and pretty much didn't allow anything.........

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:57:48

i always thought the default was to get it/have it anyway and the other party will grow to like it... no? bugger. grin

MikeLitoris Sat 25-May-13 21:57:53

Well if gorgous little ds likes cats you need one asap. How can H say no to that smile??

Seriously though I have no idea how you get around this one. Today is threatening to leave over a cat, what about when real issues come up? Will he just strop every time he wants his own way?

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:58:18

ah ok, yay for your cats sirsugar grin

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 21:59:51

mike, exactly my worry. we've never had any serious issues, so i don't know how he would deal with that if he can't deal with a cat. the cat isn't the issue. sad

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:01:31

and he does strop when he wants his way. then he wins. when i strop when i want my way he wins.

oh i don't know. this has opened a can of worms in my head.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:02:09

too much childish stropping ain't it.

MikeLitoris Sat 25-May-13 22:03:13

It's a toughie.

Has he given any actual reasons for not wanting it?

I just dont want one wouldnt wash with me.

nemno Sat 25-May-13 22:04:24

Was he trying to indicate just how much he doesn't want a cat because he suspected you would try and railroad him and now it has got rather out of hand? He probably wouldn't leave but I think if you can't both agree then you don't get one.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:05:08

that he doesn't like them. doesn't want one. it might scratch the carpet. i have hard floors downstairs hmm

olgaga Sat 25-May-13 22:05:17

I guess if you'd rather have a cat than a husband, get the cat.

I'd be appalled if my DH insisted on getting a cat or dog. He did say once he'd quite like a dog again. I said if you get your own place you can do what you like.

He hasn't mentioned it again.

Cailinsalach Sat 25-May-13 22:06:38

Some things are just non negotiable with some people. For me it would be a snake, African Snails or stick insects. Dogs, cats even rabbits or guinea pigs would be ok. Hamsters, mice or any rat type animal would have me iut the door.

I think you maybe have to accept that for your DH, a cat is a pet too far. Sorry it seems a battle.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:07:03

the thing is though, it became more than the cat far too quickly. i haven't been insisting, or stropping about it. i asked twice. politely. certainly haven't gone on and on pushing and goading.

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:07:04

It's not a competition - there are no 'winners'.

You're the one who wants to break the status quo by bringing an unwanted (by one party) pet into the equation.

If you'd said at the start of your relationship "I'm the type of person who will want a pet/cat at some point, you need to know this and be ok with it", then fair enough. But having complete disregard for his feelings in not wanting a pet is a poor show.

It's a cat. He doesn't like them. You know this. Get over it.

Beamur Sat 25-May-13 22:07:13

I'll play devils advocate on this one...
My DP was a champion sulker when we met, but I realised he was yanking my chain and started to refuse to engage - and now he doesn't do it anymore.
Perhaps your DP strops the 'small stuff' but would be more mature if you had a genuine problem? But you say you strop too...

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:09:00

tobago , see my post at 21:52.

I've always said i wanted a pet.

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 22:09:07

I wouldn't give a cat houseroom.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:09:43

i do strop. blush

this is ridiculous.

i concede.

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:13:01

But did you explicitly say that it was a 'deal-breaker' if that pet wasn't a cat?

My DH would freak if I brought a cat home (I quite like them -he doesn't. No phobia, just not his thing).

I think you're reading too much into this.

A bit of mutual respect required. You both agree on such a big commitment or you don't go ahead with it.

MalcolmTuckersMum Sat 25-May-13 22:13:10

Is there something that he'd like that is a complete NO for you? If so switch positions and how would you think then?

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 22:14:14

If I had a husband and he wanted to bring a cat into our house I would strenuously object. Just because you want it and he doesn't doesn't mean you have the upper hand. He is perfectly entitled to not want a cat in the house. I would absolutely hate to live with a cat. A while ago we thought we had a mouse in the house and my kids borrowed a cat for the night to get rid of the mouse who might or might not have been in the house. I didn't sleep at all knowing the cat was in the house. It made me actually prefer the option that there might be a mouse in the house than knowing there was a cat in the house.

Maybe the way to avoid this situation in the future is to make pre-marriage courses compulsory and instead of just discussing parenthood etc there could be other agenda items for consideration like animals, textured wallpaper, cheese slices, fake plants and watching Emmerdale.

Obviously joking but I would hate to live with a cat!

independentfriend Sat 25-May-13 22:14:20

Possible stuff relevant to compromise here:

* keep the cat shut out of the bedrooms/any room that your husband particularly uses (I'm thinking home office type thing here)

* locate the litter tray somewhere out of your husband's way.

* be committed to using a cattery/friend who can care for the cat if you need/want to be away overnight.

* think about finances - vet bills/pet insurance/food/toys - if it's solely your cat, then maybe the costs should come out of whatever money you have allocated for non-essentials, rather than generically out of shared money. Maybe he should get a similar quantity of money to spend on something nice for himself?

I'd be with him; an animal moving into my home would be a dealbreaker for living together, for lots of reasons.

Lweji Sat 25-May-13 22:15:39

Tbh, a cat is not like a fish that stays quietly in a corner.

If he doesn't want a cat at home you shouldn't have one.
If you have a good relationship, then do you really want to throw it away for a cat?

If your relationship is crap, though...

My can of worms was when exH started mistreating our lovely kitten. sad
He did get better when I threatened to kick him out.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:20:07

actually I think it sounds like your husband just likes 'winning' the argument, being in control, in charge, whatever you want to call it.

or course I could be wrong but your post at 22:07 made me think that. if he quickly shuts down a discussion about something that is important to you, without as much as being willing to explain why then that would ring alarm bells for me. like you say, what happens further down the line when more serious issues arise? I think its a bit off of him to just say he'll leave. if the situation were reversed, how'd he feel if you said the same? I don't think this is about the cat either but there's something not quite right about the way he quickly threw his toys out of the pram over it.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:20:27

the relationship is far from crap and I'll accept im being only slightly unreasonable.

i hate dogs so flip it and that's a dealbreaker for me.

i suppose were both stubborn and a bit childish on the small stuff.

peeriebear Sat 25-May-13 22:20:35

The thing I'm getting from all this is that your H always gets his way.
Why does he always get his way? Why does he always get the final say? If you want to reduce it to childish argument, that's not fair.
Do you just concede to stop his stropping/sulking?

Tobagostreet Sat 25-May-13 22:22:01

Accept the cat is a no go. Have some winewinewine and make up grin.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:23:08

he always gets his way on things because i cba to argue. im not good at confrontation however small.

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 22:23:53

I have friends who have cats and the minute you walk into their house you smell cat.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:24:41

oh and you say you don't disagree much but it sounds like maybe he is just used to getting his own way and cannot handle it when that is challenged. Maybe you don't argue much cos its easier to give in?

If you'd gone on and on and ON about taking in this cat, I could better understand his perspective but as you say, you've only mentioned it a few times and he was already having none of it.

Showtime Sat 25-May-13 22:24:49

If you postpone the cat decision until the youngest is old enough to respect an animal, its possible your DH will be more reasonable, and not make threats to leave on another occasion.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:24:56

i must be a pushover sad

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:25:35

x posted with you OP! I knew it! he gets his way because you cba to argue....hmm

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:27:02

so how do i make him more willing to listen to another POV? leaving the cat aside now, if he's always used to having a final say can that be changed?

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 22:27:07

I don't know if you are a pushover. I would shut down a discussion about getting a tarantula or a stick insect or a rodent because the idea would repulse me.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:31:10

why the hmm face? i haven't enabled this on purpose.

Lweji Sat 25-May-13 22:32:20

I think it depends on what is it that he wins the arguments.
It really shouldn't be about winning, but compromising.

If he wins on stuff like getting a cat in the home, then that's fair.

If you only eat what he feels like, then he's unreasonable.

TotallyBursar Sat 25-May-13 22:32:34

It dies seem that the 'we don't have many arguments' & the he strips when he doesn't get his way & likes the last word are the interrelated problem.

Arguing is a grown up skill - it's not whoever shouts loudest or sulks deepest or wins thing. It's knowing you're starting from opposite ends and meeting in the middle. If you end up in a slanging match or Not Speaking then it's got too far.

What benefit is it to him, or you, to win? Because in reality what has happened is you just display who has the least regard for the other & the family. I don't want to admit to anyone show that it is my main aim to be right, get my way and be Mrs big bollocks at the expense of how the people I love most feel, that it is more important to me to show them their place than be generous enough of spirit to compromise.

The cat - I think you need to call him on it personally. Tell him what you felt - what that would make me feel is 'I mean so little to you that you would threaten to leave because I didn't immediately take your decision as law and drop it'
He needs to justify that like an adult and cut that shit out.
I don't take kindly to idle threats of that nature, don't make them and won't accept them. Your tolerance may vary obviously!

Is he a grown up communicator usually?

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:32:49

chubfuddler its not so much that the OPs husband has a genuine aversion to cats, I don't think, its more that he always gets his own way and has shut down any discussion about something the OP wants. of course there are some things that aren't negotiable but there should be compromise.

this isn't about the cat.

OP I think you need to stop giving in to him all the time, I think the cat is better going to a home where both people living there want it so prob best leave that one for now, but in other areas of your life don't let him trample over your feelings/needs.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:33:19

when we're making decisions i don't just back down immediately to avoid argument. im.not a little old lady. i always make my opinion known. but i never like to push it too far. how do you know hoe far you can argue your point?

TotallyBursar Sat 25-May-13 22:33:56

He strips? Well that might solve the problem.

And massive x post that means irrelevant answer from me. Fuck it, sorry ignore me.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 22:35:14

was that question about the hmm to me? if so, I put it there because I meant it was a bit suspect that he'd put you in that position of giving in. Wasn't implying you were 'enabling' him.

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 22:37:36

You don't know he doesn't have a genuine aversion to cats. I can't stand them myself. If someone I thought knew and loved me declared their intention to bring a cat into our home id get pretty shitty.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:38:27

totally that's a really helpful post actually. neither of us are grown up communicators.

im actually upset now. realised I've let him control too much now i can't pull it back.sad

we just end up giving each other the silent treatment. nobody apologises first.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:39:21

yes sorry i know what you meant now re the hmm thing sorry.

Beamur Sat 25-May-13 22:45:41

Ah, don't be upset.
Perhaps now you see the pattern you can set about changing it.
smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 22:53:14

things seem so much worse than they are. he's a really great guy normally. i actually trust him, he is kind and generous and we have a nice life.

like i said, we haven't had any major problems in our time together to see how we'd both cope. it's gone swimmingly really. these little 'competitions' are always because if small things like i want to watch a film, but he gets to watch football. stupid little things. but its the little things that bug me because deep down i know if we were faced with a big problem he'd step up. i just hate the competitive shit. it's me as well which makes it worse. and i don't know how to go about making changes. im useless at this relationship stuff.

myroomisatip Sat 25-May-13 22:58:02

Again.... I know I am not being helpful here, I love cats, I have had one before and she was no trouble whatsoever.

I got my two kittens at Christmas and they are part of our family now. My Ex and I are very amicable and he has been over and helped me out with a few DIY things and he is all over my cats and that makes me bloody cross because my children missed out when they were little! sad

I cant advise you sadly, except that my ExH not allowing my children to have a pet was all about control. Just the tip of the iceberg.

My kittens make me laugh and smile all the time,whereas my Ex didnt!

MrsSpagBol Sat 25-May-13 22:59:06

Don't say you are useless OP.

Why not post on Rships and get some advice from some people that are wiser than I am

myroomisatip Sat 25-May-13 23:00:43

I could have said this: * it's gone swimmingly really. these little 'competitions' are always because if small things like i want to watch a film, but he gets to watch football. stupid little things. but its the little things that bug me because deep down i know if we were faced with a big problem he'd step up.*

My Ex is still prepared to help out and sort out problems, but it was the constant criticism of my choice of t.v. programmes, books, films, music, etc etc that ground me down sad

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 25-May-13 23:00:53

You're not useless, he is - if he can never compromise, always strops and sulks until he gets his own way.

You can't live your life giving up every single time just because he acts like a petulant child unless you do.

The cat is irrelevant. It highlights this particular little fucked-up corner of what sounds like an otherwise good relationship.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:07:48

myroom, it wasn't salvageable for you then?

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 23:09:33

OP does he like dogs?

We wanted a pet 6 months after we moved in together, both dog people but not allowed dogs in rented houses (often). However this house had a cat flap- so we enquired and we were allowed a cat. Googled the most 'dog-like' cat breed (in terms of personality) and we then ended up with an amazing silver Maine Coon kitten Tinkerbell. 3 houses later we are on to our second Maine Coon, brown tabby Meredith (Merry) and we are completely obsessed..

MC's are affectionate, sweet, funny, clumsy, follow you around the house like a dog, make adorable chirrup noises when they want to talk to you, and are so laid back and fluffy and gorgeous like big purry teddy bears! grin Everything you will read on them if you google them is true.

Sorry I didnt read whole thread, sure everyone else had useful comments just wanted to say, if you did decide you wanted a cat/pet in future and DC thinks he doesnt like cats, please try a Maine Coon- I actually really disliked cats beforehand but I could not every imagine not having an MC in the house. They have brought me such joy and happiness, they have such lovely personalities and are my big fur babies. You would never regret it I can tell you! My OH is equally as besotted with Merry grin (We named her that as she literally does not stop purring, she is such a contented cat and is completely adored)

By the way MC's are the largest domestic cat breed so they can get pretty big!!! (ours is 2-3 times the size of moggies her age- more fluffter to love!)

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:10:30

the only time I've 'won' is when i wanted a new pushchair. i went on and on and on. i knew we could afford it but wanted his nod before i ordered. he gave in eventually. never before and never since.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:12:05

lolly, neither if us like dogs im afraid. but thank you smile

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 25-May-13 23:12:08

you're not useless OP! please don't feel that way.

LemonPeculiarJones post has hit nail on head.

if you've both been doing the competitive stuff and its now ingrained/habit the only way to break the cycle is to change things, stop doing it/change your reactions, don't play along with it. choose your battles wisely.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:15:36

just googled Maine coon cats, lolly. they are gorgeous grin huge but gorgeous!

TotallyBursar Sat 25-May-13 23:17:08

Not useless. Learning. Both of you are, together.

Every one of us is the main event in our own head. If we weren't continually socialised by people around us and trained in how to get along with them most of us would be really selfish dicks.

I wasn't trying to say he was an abusive, controlling or a bad person. But that if we aren't all kept in line by each other we get complacent, a bit lazy in our thinking and take people for granted. If we are indulged in behaviours that get us into the habit of thinking and acting for ourselves, that's what we do. We get spoiled.
It's hard to be a grown up. It's easy to act like a child, particularly if it works.

If things are good, if he loves you and is a decent man that does genuinely care about how you feel then it's all good. Because both of you can step up and make the choice to act differently. Talk to him. He should want to try to behave better.
He should put the same amount of effort in as you do. Together you train each other to treat each other with respect.

That doesn't mean fake smiles & stepford wife. But when you argue or talk you're primed to hear each other & work together for mutual benefit. We all have wins & losses but keep count & get resentful you get in a vicious circle that means it's all about fighting your corner against all odds.

Ime. Obviously.
We argue like cats in a sack sometimes but it all serves to work us through what's pissed us off and find a resolution. I can see his pov...even if I think he's being a twat. He lets me let off steam when I'm being unreasonable & make my point. I rarely want to piss in his shoes and blame it on the cat now.

It's only if he doesn't give a shit about changing because this suits him just fine, no matter how you feel, that you have bigger problems.

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 23:18:13

If neither of you like dogs- get the cat!! grin Sorry I'm not being helpful am I?

I agree its not about the cat. I posted about an ink cartridge yesterday and it wasnt about the ink cartridge either. Should've been on here with the nice Relationship ladies. Instead I was on AIBU and got slated blush

I thing you need to sort out the little things, as little things reflect something fundamental in the relationship, and build up to become big things, or develop into bigger things, so whatever ground rules you set at the start can influence what behaviour is deemed as acceptable

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:18:14

dontyou, sounds like discipline advice for parents.

i will try and stand up for myself a bit more and not back down but try not to get embroiled in he said she said and silent treatment. this has gone on too long.

i dont think it's his personality to be like this i think its learned from his father. he was a bellend.

lollydollydrop Sat 25-May-13 23:18:45

They are amaaaaazing!!!!gringringrin

TotallyBursar Sat 25-May-13 23:19:12

I've fucking done it again. Jesus I hate being on this phone. Nvm.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sat 25-May-13 23:21:28

totallybursar, you're very wise. thank you smile

olgaga Sat 25-May-13 23:24:30

You have to think ahead about this. A pet becomes part of your family. Is it fair to the animal if someone really doesn't want them around?

My DF would do sneaky things like dump cats unceremoniously off chairs when they were sleeping, toe-poke them while letting them out, make sudden loud noises to get them agitated etc - usually not in front of DM, unless he wanted to piss her off. They did separate eventually.

I'm not saying your DH would be like that (hope not anyway) but a basic, continuing reluctance to engage with a pet, constant moaning about the smell and the presence of cat hairs on clothing and furnishings - do you really want that?

What about when you go on holiday - you have to arrange for their care and it can be costly. Vets fees can be costly. All of these things will result in constant friction if he really doesn't want to share a home with a pet.

I really don't see that it's worth the hassle.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not.... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

No, you're right. It's become a bit of a power struggle. Do you really want to jeopardise what you have for the sake of something which will cost you money you could spend elsewhere, stink your house out (despite all your sterling efforts) and at best cause endless bickering about unnecessary expense?

I think you need to choose your battles more wisely - or start planning your separation!

nowwhat Sun 26-May-13 00:01:20

I think this has gone beyond the cat now, but my ex boyfriend threatened to have my cats put down if I applied to a uni course an hour away.

After we split (not relevant but I like to point out that he cheated) he asked to keep one of my cats. I said no. He bought a cat of his own.

It wasn't about the cat, it was about controlling me.

My current boyfriend asked me to move in with him after only a few months, I wasn't ready and during the discussion I said well what if I wanted to do something like get a cat. He was a bit sad and said "but I wouldn't mind if you wanted to get a cat" (in the most despondent way a 29 year old man can muster!). A year later we're having a baby, but we haven't got the cat yet.

Maybe you CAN judge a man by his attitude to cats! smile

pegwin Sun 26-May-13 00:50:13

op i think you need to actually talk to him about this. not about the cat but the power struggle thing.

tell him you feel like he always has to win and you always have to compete. tell him also all the positive things you said on this thread.

no point in you deciding to change on your own without telling him. it will work better if you are both on the same page and you both work on it together.

the cat though is a bad idea. not a short term decision that you can easily change if it does not work out.

but do tell him that his threat to leave was a big deal.

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 01:04:27

I'm just sorry I'm so far behind & make it look like I'm ignoring everyone else!

Wise shock. Thanks grin

I'm a VN I always have room for one more stray thing. DH always said no cats, I brought home 2 dumped kittens, he said no more, we accumulated another dog, cat, 2 rats, 3 hedgehogs and a snake. When I said I had found a home for the foster cat he cried. We've still got them all. And he's in love with 'his' cat (a beautiful little girl that fluttered her eyelashes at him & adopted him the day she arrived) to the point he nicked one of my pillows to make her bed comfier even though she sleeps on him all night angry grin.
He makes a token protest now but just to make sure I hear him, at the end of the day he knows how important they are to me & helping is to me. How much it means to me & how that makes me feel is more important to him than how he felt about it because Yeh scales tip in my favour - he was not as anti as I am for.
But if I'd battled him, beaten him down by manipulating his feelings for me (as your H is doing with the sulks) he would resent me and them I think.
We heard each other, I validated him, he understood me. It's a lovely bonus he adores them all, his imagining of the situation was wrong but he would have stuck with the scenario in his head & magnified it out of all proportion in order to feel justified if I'd ignored him.

I've just downloaded the app & no idea how it quite works so God knows what I've written - it's really hard to see & review sorry!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sun 26-May-13 01:15:33

Ex and I split up because of an argument over where a table should go.
He said he would move out if I didn't put the table where he wanted it.
He meant it.

I put it where he wanted it but that was the beginning of the end. It was a lightbulb moment.
He was wonderfully easygoing about stuff he didn't care about, but if he did care, then everything was a dealbreaker as far as he was concerned.

The table issue was what finally made me realise he was EA.
He would happily sulk for weeks on end if I dared to criticise him or show even mild annoyance.

A year later he pulled the same stunt, threatened to move out over something trivial.
That time I didn't back down.
He was stunned but carried out his threat.

By then the relationship had been dead in the water for a long time.
It wasn't about the table, just like your quarrel isn't about the cat.

I think cats and dogs, like babies, take two yes votes to get and one no vote to not get one.
I like other peoples dogs. I'm sure Dh would love one, but I don't want to live with one.
We do have a cat, it took two yes votes and a lot of kid begging.

Cravingdairy Sun 26-May-13 01:59:59

Owning a pet is too serious a commitment to enter into if one of the household is set against it. It's not fair on the pet.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 26-May-13 03:35:07

Relate maybe? It doesn't sound like he's necessarily a controlling arse, although there are a few elements. It just sounds like you've both got into that pattern of how to (not) deal with disagreements.

Probably best if you don't go to him declaring that you need to go to Relate because of a cat grin but might be a conversation to start about conflict management/disagreements in general?

changechangechange Sun 26-May-13 07:38:46

I moved out over a cat.
It was my trigger moment- he was EA- but even in a healthier relationship, I'd consider going if my DP moved a cat in against my wishes. Two yes votes needed, as with DC.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 08:19:32

thanks for all the responses, i won't reply individually as im on the app and i can't see the thread when im typing. its a bit shit.

so we definitely aren't getting the cat. it wouldn't be fair on the cat that DH wouldn't like it.

i will speak to.him later tonight. he's at work today so ill wait til kids are in bed. he will most likely agree that ot went beyond being about a cat far too quickly. ill say im tired of everything feeling like a competition that i always lose and if he can't learn to compromise on a few things when i make it clear that it means a lot to me then we'll have to think about thongs more seriously.

i will update accordingly. smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 08:20:24

things. id prefer if he wasn't thinking about thongs grin

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 08:52:43

Thongs are often thoroughly distracting yes grin.

Sounds like a plan. Sometimes a bit of a nudge is all it takes to make us realize we've been a bit of a twat. I'll have my fingers crossed it goes well.
If it doesn't he will be but one man stood against the might of a righteous wife & MN, I would not envy him that wink

littlemissgiggles79 Sun 26-May-13 13:15:01

Reminds me of an exp from years ago.

He grew up with pets, I did not.

Nothing would have changed my mind. I like animals but not to live with them.

My sister has one and everytime you go to her house, cat hair everywhere including on your clothes when you leave, litter tray to clean, scratched furniture, the smell of cat food makes my stomach turn, cats periodically puke all over soft furnishings.

Add on vet bills.

Why would you want to deal with that?

He doesn't want a cat, nothing you can do.

unapologetic Sun 26-May-13 13:19:29

Not everyone can live with a cat. Or a dog for that matter. It really is a big deal if you don't like pets.

When it comes to pets I'm afraid if one person really doesn't want one you can't get one. There is no such thing as a compromise on pets.

Could you get a slightly less invasive pet that doesn't have free run of the house?

Personally I'd hate to have a cat, they get everywhere, as does their fur, so I can see his point. I'd be ok with a semi feral one that lived outside. The cat rescue near me is always trying to re-home semi feral cats to anyone with a garden and a shed.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 26-May-13 13:40:08

If he'd be happy for you to get a different pet, I'm not sure it is about control.

How would you feel if he wanted to move in a dog? I know you said he doesn't like them, but it's the same idea.

Would he be happy with you having chinchillas, or degus? Mine are very tame and kitten like, but can be put away in their cage, too.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:30:31

we've spoken...

he said he hadn't realised things always turn into competitions and apologised for not justifying his reasons properly. he said he didn't mean he'd walk out for good when he said he'd leave. he said he meant for an hour or something. he said he'd always come back with his tail between his legs because he can't live without me grin

i said from now on ill make it clearer when things are important to me and said i accept his decision about the cat it isn't fair on him or the cat. then he said he'd been thinking about the cat all day at work and said it's be great for the kids and he doesn't hate them that much to fall out with me over.

so guess who's coming to stay tomorrow...? grin grin grin

and for the first time it feels like we had a conversation about making a decision and it feels like it was mutual. nobody 'won' or 'lost' smile

ithaka Sun 26-May-13 20:40:01

Yay, so happy you are getting your cat.

DH always thought he was allergic to cats, he'd grown up in a home without pets. I thought when I married him I could never have cat, which made me sad, but we were so in love..

Well, as a wedding present, he got me a kitten from the cat home. It was the loveliest, most unselfish gesture of commitment - really, it justified my love for him.

That kitten is 20 this year and so is our happy marriage. It sound like you have the sort of relationship that will go the distance too...

Lweji Sun 26-May-13 20:54:08

smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:55:31

he has his moments but i can't imagine being with anyone else smile

Lweji Sun 26-May-13 20:57:39

Now, just keep the momentum and negotiate everything else instead of being his way or yours. smile

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 20:59:55

ill try my best. he genuinely didn't realise we were competitive. he looked really shocked when i described how i felt. told me to stop keeping things to myself.

wordyBird Sun 26-May-13 21:12:26

Oh wow smile that's lovely! Have been lurking on this thread, and that's a wonderful outcome in every respect smile

Beamur Sun 26-May-13 21:28:29

smile

I love cats and I still think you're being unreasonable - you can't force a baby or a pet on someone if its not agreed.

That's why you discuss it before you move in together.

You are the one wanting to change the terms of your relationship.

Ah right, seen the update.

Enjoy your kitty smile

edam Sun 26-May-13 21:45:30

Hurrah! Not only are you getting a cat, but you and dh have sorted out something that was potentially going to be a huge issue in your relationship. So glad you've worked it out and you are all happy. smile

edam Sun 26-May-13 21:47:02

(Just hope you don't argue about kitty's name... I STILL bear a grudge that dh and ds wouldn't let me call our cat Taliesin!)

MikeLitoris Sun 26-May-13 21:51:11

How exciting!

Good luck with the cat.

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 22:00:36

Of course cat is great & lovely but you guys just grew together grin. That's awesome & I don't care if people boak at my excitement!
He makes a good point - be explicit (wink ) about how you feel, it's not weakness & you can be clear without being hurtful.
You talk, he thinks. Lovely.
What a great model for your DC.
It's all coming up roses thanks

myroomisatip Sun 26-May-13 22:05:40

smile smile smile smile smile

Oh I am soooooo glad lol

I have spent so many hours today (I know I should have been busy) watching my kittens chase flies and wasps in the garden! I have laughed so much. It is like having two little kiddies and I am saying to my daughter, 'they are getting lots of fresh air' and 'they will sleep well tonight' smile

It is great you managed to have a productive conversation over this and, honestly, I couldn't really look at someone in the same way if they hated animals, (apart from well, spiders urgh I could not have one of those as a pet!).

They are one of the family and as I type one of my kittens who was and still is, incredibly timid, is snuggling up to me on my sofa. I cant feel lonely when I have her attention smile

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 22:07:02

Oh what a fabulous outcome! Thanks for updating smile

ZZZenagain Sun 26-May-13 22:07:51

I really couldn't live with a cat. If dh bought a cat, I think that would be a major crisis for us.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Sun 26-May-13 22:41:55

we definitely have reached an amicable decision. i dont feel like I've cornered him and i dont feel like he's given in to shut me up i can tell he's actually thought about it. his time away at work today obviously paid off as we both got a bit of thinking space.

i do need to be explicit, totallybursar, you are right. i have issues with looking weak and i dont cry, or vocalist my opinion enough because i dont like to look like im bothered by stuff. ive always had that problem so i do need to work on that.

and i could tell you how we met if you really want boak-worthy tales! grin

WafflyVersatile Sun 26-May-13 22:51:31

Awww, look at you two learning and growing together in your relationship. smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 26-May-13 23:30:13

Happy day smile

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 23:48:31

I'm all for the romance, spill grin. Who wooed, he or you?! Oooh were there eyes across a crowded bike rack? I love a good meeting!

Seriously though - you have made a move together that may well be one of the ties that bind you together during a big crisis (which I of course hope you never have). We never expected to have to deal with some of the stuff we have. Two of these times, the death of a child and a severely disabled, life limited child, this was the thing that ultimately saved us. Harder, but I didn't have to watch the destruction of the rest of my grieving family at our hands. We got stronger. We are very, very lucky, a lot of marriages get broken under the strain. I understand why & ours would have followed if we were still acting like we used to. I'm so bloody grateful we learned in time.
Not a cure all, but it never hurts to stack the odds in your favour!

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 27-May-13 00:13:56

Awww I'm glad it was a happy ending grin

lollydollydrop Mon 27-May-13 23:43:31

grin Yayyyyy!!! So happy for you!!

Woohoo! Just seen this thread and the fact that you got your cat through mutual agreement - fantastic!

Just wanted to add my tuppence' worth; I wanted a cat and DH said no for years as a) he didn't like them and b) he was allergic to them. He finally conceded last month on the condition that if I got a cat he could get a motorbike - something I have always 'banned' as I think they are terrifying death traps. I got my cat and he is in love with him and it doesn't bring out his allergies at all. smile He got his 'motorbike' - it's a 20 year old Vespa and doesn't do more than 40mph at a push so I'm happy and he's only going to use it to bob around town, get to work and back a couple of miles away, etc. I was going to suggest tit for tat and he get something he really wanted in return for you getting your way about the cat, as that way you both win, but it seems you've managed to get the cat with his agreement so that's great. smile

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