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Abusive husband

(62 Posts)
Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 13:22:05

I've left my husband after an incident last night.
He was drunk, he hit me, he went and sat at the top of the stairs whilst my daughter was asleep in bed. I thought he was going to hurt her.

He broke my cheek and my nose, I'm covered in bruises. He is still at the police station I think.
I don't know.

I'm scared for him to come back.

HeySoulSister Sat 25-May-13 13:23:10

are you home now? read last nights thread...

karatekimmi Sat 25-May-13 13:24:59

I'm sure wiser people will be here soon, but didn't want to read and run. Have you contacted women's aid? They should be able to offer help and advice.

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 13:26:14

I'm at my brothers, staying her for a few nights.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Sat 25-May-13 13:33:28

Hello.

I just caught up with last night's thread as well.

You need to call Women's Aid, there is a link at the top of the page I think. They will help you with practical advice on how to do everything you need to do.

If you are still at your brother's then your husband won't be able to "come back" to you, will he?

Please remember one of the things someone said to you last night, when you feel up to it, reread the thread, because they told you some very wise things that you need, when you're feeling calmer, to get a hold of. If you don't end this relationship, this will not be the only time you come on here on a Friday night because you've been lamped.

MissBlennerhassett Sat 25-May-13 13:34:51

Hi Longtime. I have no experience here but I was on last night's thread and wanted to say hello and tell you how glad I am to see you safe.
Well done leaving him. It's such the right thing for you and your precious baby. People are here for you and many will have gone through the same thing. Take care flowers

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 13:38:10

Thank you

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 25-May-13 13:54:15

Involve as many people as you need to help you stay safe. A lot of people are afraid of social services but if you think he was going to hurt her and you say he has threatened to use her to keep you quiet then they can help you deal with him (as they woud be helping you to keep her safe from him). Womens Aid, Shelter, your local council, Gingerbread, your local domestic violence unit (they have officers specifically trained to deal with domestic violence and its lasting effects). To name but a few

Stay safe, keep your Dd safe. Wishing you well.

Reach out, there is loads of help out there. With a bit of luck this shitbag man can be sent to prison for his attack on you; at the very least you will be able to get a court order keeping him out of your home as he is such a danger to you and your DD.
And keep posting, there is lots of support on here as well.

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 14:28:41

Thanks for your support
This isn't the first time he's been violent but there's no proof will that matter?
I'm going to phone women's aid today, and a solicitor Tuesday.

I followed last night and I am so glad to hear that you and the baby are safe.

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 16:15:54

I left my husband for DV four months ago. The difference is he had never and I am satisfied would never hurt the children. Social services have been involved, the police were brilliant. Have the police not been in touch today to update you about charges etc? I'm surprised if not - so they know where you are? If they do I would ring the police station and explain you'd like an update.

They offered to help me get an occupation order of family home but it was rented anyway and I didn't want to go back there. That is something you could look Ito - women's aid can also advise on that and housing options generally. I applied for council emergency housing but in the end I didn't need it as got a private rental. Being forced out to flee a DV incident which you can prove is all logged with the police would help you with that.

Have you given a proper statement? I told the police about previous incidents. They believed me.

Chubfuddler Sat 25-May-13 16:16:42

Help you with the council list I mean, not help get a private rental.

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 16:20:51

The police got in touch earlier saying he was still in custody and would send someone round to go through what's happening next I'm just waiting for them now.
I gave a full statement last night,and told them everything

I might ring for an update now
I don't know where I stand to be honest

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 16:21:59

He was kept in hospital overnight

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 25-May-13 16:29:11

Was he kept in because he was drunk, or because your db punched him? Good he's still in custody.

Longtimelurker0111 Sat 25-May-13 16:33:13

Because he was drunk - he's got a cut lip because of my brother but that's all
Apparently they couldn't get anything out of him and he passed out because of the amount of alcohol he had drunk

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 25-May-13 16:35:38

He's probably still pretty rough now, then. I suppose it's just a case of "wait and see" now, while you take care of dd and yourself.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 25-May-13 20:36:14

longtime I have no specific advice but I wanted to say well done. I was on your thread late night. It takes guts to leave, call the police... Keep going. Holding your hand.

whitesugar Sat 25-May-13 20:53:38

I am sorry this has happened to you. When this happened to me I contacted a solicitor who very quickly got a court order which prevented him from coming near me. This might give you time to consider your options. Best of luck

MadBusLady Sat 25-May-13 22:12:02

I was lurking on your thread last night. On proof: I've no special knowledge of how the police work, but given your injuries this time I suspect they'll believe you about previous incidents.

You must be completely in shock with all this. Hope WA have been helpful.

ChestyNut Sun 26-May-13 09:10:32

How are you this morning?

Fairylea Sun 26-May-13 09:16:19

I'm sorry, what a terrible time.

Make sure you take lots of photos of your injuries, including ones over the coming days showing the extent of the bruising. These will be helpful later for your solicitor and also if you have a bit of a wobble feeling sorry for him (I know I did when something similar happened to me as stupid as it sounds).

Also, if finances allows or if you have somewhere else to go I would hide there for a bit .. unless he doesn't know your brothers address?

Also get in touch with your local council and say you have been made homeless due to domestic violence and have a baby. They will give you advice and help.

Good luck x

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 12:24:52

I'm feeling a lot better about everything today, still shaken up - but I have my daughter to think about!

Thanks Fairy, I will phone my council tomorrow/ Tuesday to see why advice they cAn give me. I am happy staying with my brother for a few weeks but after that I will need help.

I am taking photos, and will give them to a solicitor when I have got one.

My husband knows my brothers address - but I feel safe here, my brother works from home so is always here.

Thanks for your help, x

All the best OP. flowers

Jux Sun 26-May-13 15:26:50

Call Women's Aid, too. I lurked on your thread last night but the broadband was being iffy and kept falling over, so couldn't post.

How often does he get drunk?
How often does he get drunk and hit you and threaten (or imply that he will) hurt your baby?

Sorry, not really giving you the third degree. Just, last night it was clear that this is not the first time something like this has happened, and that he has made you very scared that he will hurt your baby. Sometimes it helps to get things a bit clearer in your mind.

Please don't feel pressured to answer, if you don't want to.

Hoping you have a more relaxed day, and can enjoy this sun with your daughter.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 16:40:24

Thank you for your reply.
He gets drunk often, a few times a week - sometimes he will be out of his face, others just a bit tipsy. 7/10 times he is more than tipsy he will hurt me and threaten to hurt my baby. Sometimes he will just punch me (jokingly - according to him) on the arm, barge past me, and when it's worse he will push me, hit my, kick me, pressure me into oral sex, sex.
He is generally quite physical

We've had a lovely day today, out in the garden cuddling my precious daughter - I can't believe I ever put her in harms way 😪

Iamreeling Sun 26-May-13 18:22:41

I saw your other thread, well done for ringing your brother and getting out. You are AMAZING! I hope they throw the book at him for what he has done to you.

MadBusLady Sun 26-May-13 19:25:43

I'm glad you've had a lovely day OP, it's been great weather hasn't it, for once! Also glad you're out of there shock he's basically a violent criminal isn't he? With any luck he'll get sent down, but even if he doesn't you don't EVER have to have him near you again.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 21:05:25

Violent? Yes. Criminal? Is he?

It has been a lovely day, brightens the atmosphere doesn't it

I know a few of you have mentioned prison. Can he really be sent down?

Chubfuddler Sun 26-May-13 21:06:39

It's a crime to punch someone in the face. Of course it is.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 21:08:46

How long will he go down for?

MadBusLady Sun 26-May-13 21:15:21

Likelihood of prison depends on the severity of the offence, any previous convictions etc. But yes, these actions are criminal, so if duly convicted of them that's what he'll be.

Chubfuddler Sun 26-May-13 21:15:21

He won't necessarily. It depends on lots if things, what he us charged with, whether he has previous convictions, whether he admits it or tries to deny.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 21:17:19

Oh god

MadBusLady Sun 26-May-13 21:18:47

x-posts, police and solicitor can help you with that. But whether or not he goes to prison, a solicitor can help you get an injunction so that he can't come near you.

AlfalfaMum Sun 26-May-13 21:20:03

The level of abuse he's subjected you is horrendous. Please keep you and your baby safe from him. One thing you must take comfort from is that your baby is too young to remember any of this, if you stayed with him much longer it would have affected her terribly to witness and also be a victim of his abuse.

When you say pressurising you into sex and oral sex, do you mean forcing you..? Please give police full details of this because it will add to the charges.

I'm so sorry you've been through this, I wish you a peaceful life from this day on xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 21:24:31

I don't want him near us, but do I want him in prison? I don't know, I just know I need to keep my daughter safe

Alfalfa - yes he would constantly force me, I did give details to the police so they do know everything.
I'm so glad my baby won't know any of this, but what do I say to her when she is older? This is such a mess

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 22:00:34

Thanks Lunatic.
I feel all over the place - my brother is so angry he can hardly talk to anyone, including his wife sad

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtimelurker0111 Sun 26-May-13 22:42:49

Hmm. Like what?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Sun 26-May-13 23:00:34

Running? Gym? Just a skipping rope in the garden, or jumping on the trampoline. Digging a new flowerbed. Clearing out a box room. Redecorating. The list is endless!

Sleep well. No one should ever have to live like you have. Thank goodness you have put a stop to it.

Longtimelurker0111 Mon 27-May-13 06:26:35

He does swim, I'll encourage him to go and maybe to the gym too. He needs to push it out of his kind and focus on something else. He's punishing himself way to much sad

I'm currently sat looking out the window bfing my baby girl feeling the best I've felt in months - something I couldn't have done before. It's amazing how much my life's changed in a few days - and I have you ALL to thank for that smile

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Mon 27-May-13 07:23:42

You are doing brilliantly Lurker smile

Have a lovely day with your baby and your family.

Jux Mon 27-May-13 11:28:35

Lurker, that's lovely. It brought tears to my eyes. What your life has been like is beyond comprehension. So happy for you.

Longtimelurker0111 Mon 27-May-13 15:15:16

Hi everyone, things are a lot better today. Everything's a lot calmer smile we've actually had a lovely weekend.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllThatGlistens Mon 27-May-13 17:35:45

So glad to hear you're feeling better OP, keep that strength up for you and your little one flowers

Longtimelurker0111 Tue 28-May-13 19:48:41

He's denying everything. Said none of it was true. Said ive been having an affair and it wasn't him doing the beating.

He said it was all a lie - what do I do

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Tue 28-May-13 19:53:10

This is typical abuser behaviour. Blaming it all on you, of course it's your fault, you provoked him, you made him mad, it's all you.

You mean he has lied to the police and said it was your putative other man who hit you? How original of him.

Do NOT let him get away with this. Are you still at your brothers? They believe you, the police believe you, and we believe you. xx

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 28-May-13 20:05:19

I believe you.

You do not have anything to do. He is trying to wriggle out of what he has done. Don't engage with him or try to justify yourself.

You told the truth. It is logged. Keep protecting yourself and the DCs. Keep talking to people in RL about what happened, what has been happening and how to prevent it happening again.

MadBusLady Tue 28-May-13 20:10:04

Is this what the police have told you he said? If so, just reiterate that your statement is correct, and see what the police/your solicitor advise.

I really hope you're not talking to him/in touch with him via a non-official channel.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 28-May-13 20:37:21

I believe you.

Stick to your statement and be guided by what the police and your solicitor say. If it is them who have told you this it doesn't mean they in any way belive what he has said, just that they are informing you this is the stand he has decided to take.

Keep strong and protect yourself and you Dd.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlittySluttySlots Tue 28-May-13 21:59:19

I believe you too thanks

Earthworms Tue 28-May-13 22:23:17

I believe you,

Jux Tue 28-May-13 23:01:20

I believe you.

vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 29-May-13 08:36:28

Ok first of all I believe you.

Now I hope I explain this correctly, bear with me.

He lying and saying he didn't hit/hurt you because he knows what he did was wrong. He's not even doing the classic she made me do it/ she forced me in to it, because he knows no- one will believe him, that normal decent people see right through that shit, so he going for total denial.
Does he really think that the 'A big boy did it and ran away' excuse is any better?

You know what happened, that is all that matters.

I think the one thing you need to realise/ believe is that you don't need anyone's permission to end this relationship. There doesn't have to be a list of faults, no one has the right to force you back in to a relationship with him.

What he did was criminal, and all you have to do is continue to tell the truth and keep yourself and your baby safe.

Jux Wed 29-May-13 12:03:41

Are you OK, Lurker? How's it going?

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