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Job offer away from MM

(30 Posts)
youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 20:08:23

I have had an affair with a MM at work - I don't need anybody to tell me what a mistake this was. I'm deeply deeply sorry and full of remorse - trust me, I am. Last week I got offered a new job over 100 miles away from my life (I am single, but my friends and family are here). I know I should take it and make the break from MM but him aside, I have been there over 10 years and love my job/colleagues etc. Are these reasons enough to stay? Should I make the clean break and leave my job since my actions have left me no choice? Haven't I sacrificed enough for this guy - i.e. my entire moral core?

I know I don't deserve your help, but would be extremely thankful for any advice.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:12:46

What steps is he taking to atone for his actions ?

AThingInYourLife Thu 23-May-13 20:16:04

Is it a better job?

Better location in terms of future prospects?

You don't owe anyone relocation, except yourself if it is best for you.

Has he had a hand in arranging this move?

No, you don't need to go anywhere if you don't want to.

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 20:22:20

AF - he doesn't share my remorse and wants the affair to continue (not trying to paint myself as the good guy here btw)

AThing - Yes there are many prospects in the new job and I suppose would be a new lease of life after quite a dark place, it's just I love my job and worked hard to get where I am.

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 20:23:05

Beer, no he hasn't (I hope!)

LittleBearPad Thu 23-May-13 20:30:07

You may love the new job too and it could lead to all sorts of opportunities this is regardless of the issues in your current job.

If MM wants the affair to continue then I don't think you can stay at your current job - one way or another, sooner or later the shit is going to hit the fan. Move on and away while you have the chance to.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:30:57

Well, you can certainly tell him to fuck right off, because it isn't his choice for the affair to continue

Relocate if you think it's right for you

No other reason

As long as you stay away from him and his family of course, but I guess that goes without saying....yes ?

If it's not on your career plan then don't even consider it. If it adds nothing to where you want to go then you'd just be running away.

And do tell him to fuck right off, as AF says.

Hissy Thu 23-May-13 20:41:58

"Haven't I sacrificed enough for this guy - i.e. my entire moral core?"

Love, you CHOSE to sacrifice your MORAL CORE, you did. You CHOSE to carry on with someone else's H. Please don't blame anyone else but yourself here.

NOW, you need to end this, once and for all and you need to do this YESTERDAY. We understand that your lack of self esteem/confidence/pride prevents you from doing what you know you need to do, so perhaps the JOB is the catalyst you need. Sometimes we have to do what is right, no matter what our heart/whatever are screaming.

Make the break, make it work for you and go onwards and upwards. Be the better person that you think you were before you met this creep.

Rise above him and this sordid affair.

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 20:45:39

Thanks - I really don't want to relocate but part of me thinks I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it by moving on elsewhwere. MM is constantly on at me about restarting the affair and it's difficult to move on (relationship wise) with this cloud hanging over me. Why did I have to f things up so spectacularly.

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 20:47:30

Hissy - that is good advice. I didn't mean to come across as blameless. I am extremely sad at what I've done. I know it was my choice.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:49:19

look love, just tell MM to fuck right off and stop engaging with him

the affair is over, right ?

right ?

tell the sleazy fuck to do one, and get on with your life

and look to your own behaviour in future

imagine relocating and taking up with another married man ?

think about that

you can run, but you can't hide from yourself

sort your self out, everything else will follow

if you are still indulging in "shag me again, I lovvvve youuuuuu" correspondence with a married man you are one fuck up wherever you might be

Hissy Thu 23-May-13 20:55:24

OK, so now you know... Now you have to change it.

Be the person you know you are. Maybe not this job, but maybe it's a sign that you need to change things, break habits.

If the job were around the corner, would you jump at it? Would it progress your career, would it make a logical contribution to your CV? THAT'S what you have to consider now.

You can't allow feelings to get in the way of ending a BAD relationship. Trust me.

Hissy Thu 23-May-13 20:57:00

Oh and I'm not attacking you, I'm talking tough and decisive like. smile

I WILL get cross if you don't wise up don't try to reach your true potential. grin

maristella Thu 23-May-13 20:58:07

^^ What the Hissmeister said. Make a break and don't look back

Kernowgal Thu 23-May-13 20:58:30

I've been there (I am not proud, I was very young and naive and he was a predatory arsehole). I ended it and he pestered me for ages afterwards but I stood firm. I also could have moved elsewhere but I was damned if I was going to leave because of him. Things soured and he was very unpleasant to me, not good when you work in a small office.

As it turned out we had a round of redundancies a few months later and he got the chop. I think my (fab) boss knew what had gone on and decided to get rid of him. Is anyone else higher up aware of your relationship? If he continues to be a pain I would consider having a word with them or HR.

AuntieStella Thu 23-May-13 21:01:19

If you stay put, and the affair comes to light, it will get extremely messy. And, fair or unfair, you will find yourself in a career limiting shitstorm.

Unless the move is career suicide, go. Widen your experience, improve your CV. You can always come back, and maybe it'll be a new and better you.

AThingInYourLife Thu 23-May-13 21:06:27

Only go if it is best for you.

If this wanker is pestering you, go to HR.

But I will say this - if getting away from him will make your life better, the give it some serious thought.

Is he in a position to ruin this job you love?

If he is, then it might be time to go somewhere he can't touch you (literally or figuratively).

Bollocks to "doing the right thing" by leaving.

You don't need to be punished here.

This is your life. Make the best choice for you.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-May-13 21:08:50

Other people at work will already knw about the affair, you won't have been anywhere near as discreet as you think you have. Therefore, your career prospects at that place will be severly curtailed.

So you are now not going anywhere at that job. Let's look at the new job, is it what you want? Is it in an interesting town? What else wasn't happening right in your life that you entertained yourself with a MM at work? Could it be a fresh start elsewhere would be good for you because the rest of your life is a bit dull? Or is the rest of your life great? in which case, could you not just look for another new job locally?

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:12:24

What about the MM's profile at work ? It that still whiter than white ?

I would only go if it suited me.

But you need to stop engaging with MM, or you are still having an affair.

50shadesofknackered Thu 23-May-13 21:22:21

If you don't want the new job tell this bloke to fuck off and stay put. Threaten to tell his wife, that should be enough to see him running for the hills. Please try to have some more self respect in future, surely you are worth more than being some arsehole's bit on the side. Btw I may be really thick but what does MM stand for?

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:28:28

MM = married man

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 23-May-13 21:31:37

Why did you apply for the job? Were you seeing it as an escape but didn't really think through the implications?

50shadesofknackered Thu 23-May-13 21:49:50

Of course, I was being thick! Thank you anyfucker

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 22:05:55

Thank you very much for the replies - great advice and much food for thought.

AF - thanks for the straight talking. It is over for sure but i'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for him though this doesn't mean I will EVER go back there - I am adamant. It is hard not to engage him as I see him everyday. The one advantage of the job would be a fresh start and a clean break from him.

Yes Snazzy, I applied for the reasons you say but didn't think i'd get an interview, never mind the job, in a million years.

Dontmind, it IS a good opportunity I just feel like i'd be giving up a whole lot and potentially for the wrong reasons (to get away from MM is my sole reason) but you are right, it could be just what the doc ordered life-wise.

AThing - MM (and me) have already ruined the job I love since I dread going into work and have lost a lot of my enthusiasm/energy for it since the affair began. I was hoping I could get it back.

Kern - Great for you - glad it all worked out!

Hissy - thanks for the tough love. smile

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 22:10:12

Bollocks, love. If you have to speak to him about professional matters that is one thing. To still be engaging with him emotionally and giving him the opportunity to make it clear he'd still like to be continuing your affair is quite another.

The best move you could make is to stop lying and making excuses for yourself

Nobody has your arm up your back (unless he is blackmailing you professionally) to make you listen to his attempts to stay in your knickers

youaretheweakestlink Thu 23-May-13 22:17:30

AF, it is incredibly difficult but I catch your drift. To be clear, I'm not sat there swooning with love hearts instead of eyeballs and have tried very hard to maintain professional distance but he always brings it back round to relationship talk.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 22:19:47

You don't have to engage with him when he tries it

Get up and walk away, switch off your phone, close down the laptop

Excuses

Report him if he is harassing you (or at least threaten it...he will run like the wind)

Bogeyface Fri 24-May-13 00:37:23

AF is right. If he even sniffs a harassement case he will leg it as the last thing he will want is his wife asking why he has been suspended!

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